Tag: Pronouns

My Hero’s Journey, So Far

Here is how my gender journey lines up with the Hero’s Journey. Missed my previous post about Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey? Check that out first and then come back to read my story.

ORDINARY WORLD

When my husband started being identified as a man by strangers, their ingrained heteronormative views told them that I must be a woman. I started getting treated as more feminine when we were together and this didn’t sit right with me.

I had never been comfortable with the term lesbian, and instead had always called myself gay or queer.

In grade 10 I had a gender fluid experience where I would feel like a boy named Ray for a few days every few weeks, shifting back to feeling like a girl named Meaghan in between.

I grew up in a very liberal and supportive environment but at the inception of my gender journey I had moved away and was working in a more conservative and very hetero- and cis-normative environment.

CALL TO ADVENTURE

Part way through my husband’s transition, I realized that I was definitely experiencing dysphoria as well. We had been attending local PFLaG meetings and had been listening to people describe a range of identities and experiences. Some of these, especially the more androgenous, gender neutral, gender fluid, and nonbinary ones, really resonated with me.

REFUSAL OF THE CALL

However, my husband was still in the middle of navigating how to get top surgery, how to change all his legal documentation, and what to do about continually being misgendered at work, months after coming out. From witnessing his experiences and hearing about similar experiences from the community, I knew that exploring your gender and clarifying for yourself who you are and what you need to feel authentic can make not having those things feel a whole lot worse.

Knowing that my husband still needed a lot of my support and I was not working in an environment that would be condusive to coming out as nonbinary, I decided to put off all gender related self-discovery for the time being.

MEETING THE MENTOR

As soon as my husband felt fairly stable in his transition, he encouraged me to do my own gender exploration work. As a result of his transition, he finally felt ready to be a parent (being able to picture himself as a dad instead of a mom) but also did not want to be the one to be pregnant. This meant that, if possible, I would be the carrying and birthing parent.

There is so much unknown and out of your control in the process of trying to conceive, pregnancy, and birthing. I didn’t want gender related feelings to be one more. So I started to explore what felt not so great, what felt awesome, and how my gender felt on a daily basis.

CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

Turns out I am nonbinary. I discovered that I have both female and male genders which balance out to an overall experience that is a mix of the two or ‘somewhere in the middle’. I discovered that I do have some physical dysphoria during which times I feel better if I wear a binder (if my body can tolerate it). I discovered that I have significant social dysphoria and feel much better when referred to using they/them pronouns and neutral language.

The physical dysphoria I could manage pretty well with some practice. The social dysphoria was a whole other story, especially at work.

TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES

Partly as a result of constant social dysphoria, I started expriencing periods of burnout that would last 1-2 months and re-occur every 4-6 months.

I had a few new colleagues at work that were queer and super supportive and a few others that I slowly built friendships with and eventually came out to. These allies, especially at work, were a major help on bad dysphoria days.

I had a colleague who was also a friend come out as nonbinary. Unfortunately, the support from the management team was not in place and did not appear when they needed it. There were very few allies around them and they were continually misgendered, had repeated conflicts with coworkers, and ultimately moved to a different job. As an example of what it would be like for me to come out at work, it was a pretty clear one.

Navigating the world of fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum as a nonbinary person is extremely difficult. There were times I found community and resources and felt like I could belong. There were also times that were nauseating and traumatic that I will carry with me for life.

APPROACH TO THE INNERMOST CAVE

While I was on parental leave (for a whole year – go Canada!), and in the middle of a global pandemic, I had minimal interaction with the outside world unless I reached out for it. I had significantly less dysphoria and significantly less burnout, despite being a new parent in a pandemic. This told me that my burnout was indeed primarily dysphoria related and in order to feel more comfortable in my life, and have the emotional reserve I wanted and needed to support my child, I would need to make some changes. I would need to find spaces that I was comfortable being out in. And I would need to be out in as many spaces as I could.

This was especially true around family. I wanted my kid to grow up hearing people refer to me using the correct pronouns. This meant I would first have to explain my identity to everyone my kid would be interacting with regularly (namely family) and train everyone to use my pronouns and preferred language. This would take time and my kid was growing up at a steady pace. I had to come out to family before my kid started understanding what pronouns meant and remembering and repeating phrases from those around them.

THE ORDEAL

The first step I took was to apply to a graduate school program using my preferred name, pronouns, and gender identity. I was open with my supervisor from the beginning and made it clear in my application that my identity and lived experience was a big part of why I wanted to do research work. This meant that in September, when I started school, I had the foundation and backup to expect that everyone refer to me correctly. When they don’t, I have significantly more confidence to correct them than I ever have in other environments.

When my kid was about ten months old, I bit the bullet and came out to my in-laws (who live near us) and my parents (who live across the country but were coming for a month-long visit). I did this via email with the hope of some reply, either of support or questions or concerns that I could respond to. Mostly, there was silence and confusion. I had a brief follow up conversation with my in-laws and, after a period of awkwardnes and tension, saw some awereness and progress. My sister had many follow up conversations with my parents on my behalf but I had minimal expectation that they would be able to/willing to follow through and change their use of pronouns for me during their visit.

However, their visit happened to coincide with work I was doing to develop inclusive training material for a health professions college. They were curious about my work which gave me an opening to talk about many of the issues trans people face in health care settings (mostly related to ignorance and being misgendered). The materials I was developing included a ‘bad’ version of a health care interaction and a ‘good’ version. I sent them both versions and we had a few conversations about why the ‘bad’ version was ‘bad’ and why it was important to interact in ways that were depicted in the ‘good’ version. They were able to grasp these concepts significantly better than the information my sister had attempted to explain, perhaps because it wasn’t directly about them and thus did not make them feel as defensive. They almost immediately started making an effort to use my correct pronouns. While they weren’t great at it, and they will likely back-slide between in-person visits, this was more progress than I expected and I took it as a positive sign.

REWARD

It’s an increadible feeling, being seen. It’s even better when you don’t have to fight for it first. I now have numerous allys who actively step in to do the educating and, if necessary, fighting, on my behalf. I am better at advocating for myself (or getting better at it slowly), and better at identifying situations where having an ally would be useful and then recruiting one.

Confidence, euphoria, authenticity, and visibility are pretty good rewards. Do I wish I didn’t have to fight for them? Sure. But it’s still worth the fight.

THE ROAD BACK

I now spend the majority of my time working in an inclusive environment with my name and pronouns displayed correctly on my zoom screen during ‘meetings’. I have more bandwidth to apply to my work and family. I have not had a period of burnout in over a year despite having a baby during a pandemic. I am able to exercise despite the accompanying dysphoria because, for the majority of the time, I experience more euphoria than dysphoria. I can recover easily from the few days I spend in my previous work environment where I am still not out (and likely will never be).

I am using my unique experiences and perspective to help others make their work more inclusive. I am being recognized for the value of my experiences and identity rather than ‘supported’ or ‘accommodated’.

I am thinking about the future and what I might want for myself in my transition. Are there ‘next steps’? I have a long road to recovery from pregnancy related body changes and have chosen to focus on this prior to pursuing anything further related to transition. Though, likely, at some unknown point in the future, I would like to have some form of top surgery. Will this be my ‘Ressurection’? Who knows! If you stay tuned, you’ll likely find out when I do!

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Gender Inclusivity in the Workplace: What it is and How it Feels

For the last five years I have worked in the same environment. During this time, my husband came out as trans and I discovered my identity as a nonbinary person. I recently cut back on my hours at this job and started a different job. These two jobs are wildly different environments, types of work, levels of inclusion, and effects on me as a nonbinary person.

For the last few years, I assumed that any workplace connected to my chosen profession would be the same in terms of it’s effect on me with mild variability in inclusivity. But since switching to the new job, I am realizing how much of the burnout I’ve been experiencing is from inclusion related factors, or the lack of inclusivity at my previous job.

A lot of these factors are within the control of my colleagues and management staff. But some of them are simply related to the nature of the job.

WHAT A NON-INCLUSIVE WORKPLACE FEELS LIKE

When going to work at my job that has minimal inclusion, recognition, or support for my identity as a nonbinary person, I have a nebulous feeling of resistance, anxiety, apprehension, disappointment, and risk. I carry this around with me to varying degrees throughout the whole work day. It is distracting and tiring. I feel like I am hiding, shrinking, holding myself in a small tight ball inside myself for the course of the day.

Every time I have a chance to show a part of this aspect of my identity I have to make a risk vs reward calculation. Every time I encounter something that directly relates to or impacts my gender identity, even if it isn’t directed at me, I have to decide if I’m going to hide or react which is again, a risk vs reward calculation.

This isn’t to say that everything about that work environment is bad and negative. There are lots of things I like about it or else I wouldn’t still be working there. But in order to engage with the things I like about that job, I have to bring the rest of this heaviness along with me.

I am not out to the majority of people in this workplace because it doesn’t feel safe or feasible (more on this below). When I am misgendered, it is primarily out of ignorance and assumption. But, because of many factors, I expect that the majority of people would continue to misgender me even if I did come out. This means that coming out is not worth the effort or risk.

WHAT AN INCLUSIVE WORKPLACE FEELS LIKE

At my new job, I am excited to get to work every day. I can focus and do my work efficiently. At the end of the day/week I am as tired as I would expect given the amount of work I did. I still have mild reluctance to engage with people who are not necessarily trans competent but I know that, should I need to correct them on my name or pronouns, I have the support to do that.

I entered this workplace using my preferred name, pronouns, and gender identity. Not everyone I interact with knows all of that information but I feel safe in providing it openly when I need to. I can share any parts of myself that are relevant without fear and with minimal risk vs reward calculation because the risks are much lower and the reward is more likely to occur.

Colleagues recognize the types of knowledge and expertise that my nonbinary identity affords me and come to me when they have things I can help with.

Overall it feels easy, affirming, and allows me to simply focus on my work.

WORKPLACE FACTORS THAT IMPACT GENDER INCLUSIVITY

Culture

This is the factor that we think about the most in regards to inclusivity and it is definitely the most complex one. You can think of cultural factors in three groups: policies and procedures, competence, and representation.

Policies and Procedures

Is there a policy in place that protects workers based on gender identity? Do their policy documents use gender neutral language? If they have a dress code, is it gender neutral? Do their application forms and other types of documentation such as ID and health insurance forms have inclusive fields (sex, gender, legal gender marker, legal name, preferred name, pronouns, neutral labels, etc)? Is the use of homophobic and transphobic language pervasive, ignored, discouraged, or penalized in the professional work spaces as well as the social spaces in the workplace? Is it commonplace to include pronouns in introductions and email signatures?

Competence

Is the management trained in equity, diversity, and inclusion to the degree they need to be in order to put the policies and procedures into practice? Do they know what to do if an employee or colleague comes out as trans or requests they use different language or pronouns for them? Is there positive, neutral, or negative regard for differences and diversity? Are there ‘safe space’ stickers on office doors? Is the messaging around safe spaces and being inclusive accurate to the level of competence of the staff?

See the end of this post for numerous other posts on this blog related to building basic trans competence.

Representation

Is pride month celebrated? Is diversity represented in the company/business promotional materials, staff support messaging, and among the workforce?

I’m sure there are more but these are the ones that come to mind from my experiences comparing these two work environments.

Physical Environment

This factor is a bit more straightforward but often overlooked by anyone who isn’t negatively affected by it. For gender related inclusivity, some of the questions that come to mind are:

Are there gender neutral/single use bathrooms and changing spaces (if applicable)? For places like gyms, yoga studios, and rehabilitation clinics, are there spaces that aren’t surrounded by mirrors? If asking clients about their personal or health related information, are these meeting spaces private (for both sight and sound)? Is the messaging that is visible at the entrance and throughout the space inclusive and representative of diversity?

Social Demands

This is a factor that is often overlooked and took me a while to recognize as important. My experience with it is more specific to gender identity (though I’m sure it applies to many other minority groups as well).

How many social interactions with strangers or acquaintance level co-workers are required throughout a day of work? This is important because, especially for nonbinary people, strangers, and anyone who we haven’t specifically come out to, will make incorrect assumptions about our gender identity and pronouns. No matter how inclusive the workplace is and how comfortable you are being ‘out’ in that environment, every interaction with a stranger requires coming out again.

Many of the components of the other factors make this significantly less onerous. For example if the company’s messaging is clearly trans inclusive, if employees have pronouns on their ID badges, and if the culture is supportive, affirming, and protective of trans people, I would feel much more comfortable introducing myself to a stranger using my pronouns (they/them). If the other factors are poor in terms of inclusivity, this one gets exponentially worse.

But, if the type of work requires very little interaction with strangers, it is significantly easier to get through the day in a workplace that has mediocre cultural and physical inclusivity.

  • What have your experiences been with gender inclusion in your workplace?
  • Have you ever quit a job due to it’s lack of gender inclusivity? What factors affected you the most?
  • How would you rate your current workplace on it’s gender inclusivity based on the factors above (or others that you’d like to add)?

Leave me a comment below or send me an email! I’d love to hear from you.

RELATED POSTS

Workplace and Coming Out

Surviving in a Non-Inclusive Workplace

Trans Competency

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How I Respond When Strangers Gender My Child

MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY CHILD’S GENDER PRESENTATION

When we’re going out for a walk, to a park, or to a grocery store, I have to decide what my child is going to wear. When I choose my own clothes, it is often based on gender related factors – dysphoria and euphoria, how I want my gender to be viewed by others, safety – and of course, the weather. But my goal is to provide my child with a wide variety of gender related experiences. This includes styles and colours of clothing.

Sometimes I’ll pick a well coordinated cute outfit that looks cute because it all matches and not care about the gendered component. Sometimes I’ll specifically pick an outfit that is white and pink and purple and teal. Sometimes I’ll pick clothes that are red and black and navy blue. More often, I’ll pick a mix of things – a pink top with navy blue pants and red dinosaur socks. Or a blue and yellow striped top, jeans, and pink unicorn socks.

I try to pick clothes based on what I like and the experience I want to give my child. But I am also aware that the clothes my child is wearing is the main way strangers will determine my child’s gender. Other than their clothes and accessories (hair clips, bows, toys, lunchbox, backpack, etc) children appear fairly gender neutral. I have fun using my child’s clothing to test and/or mess with strangers’ perceptions of my child’s gender (or really, since they haven’t developed a gender identity yet, their sex).

THE DREADED QUESTION

Some strangers are bold enough to ask if my child is a boy or a girl. I know this is often coming from a place of wanting to be respectful during our interaction and use the correct pronouns.

I hate this question.

As a nonbinary person, I find it frustrating, othering, and triggering. It often makes me freeze. I am stuck between the place of wanting to educate/counteract the stranger’s binary assumptions, honour our experiences as a gender creative family, and avoid conflict by providing an easy answer.

I would love to say “It doesn’t matter. Any pronouns are fine.” Of the many times I have been posed this question, I have only been able to make myself use this answer a couple times. Most often, I cave and say the gender that matches my child’s sex assigned at birth. I hate that my child hears me assign them a gender in answer to this question. This factor will become more important to me as my child gets older and may help me stick with my preferred, open ended answer.

But what if they don’t ask? What if they assume? That’s where it gets interesting.

WHEN STRANGERS ASSIGN MY CHILD A GENDER

Because of how I dress my child, and possibly because they have thick curly/wavy light brown/blonde hair, strangers choose to refer to my child as a girl or a boy in approximately equal amounts. I find this fascinating.

What’s even more interesting is that the gender they choose to assign my child doesn’t always match the societal gender norms based on the clothes I chose that day. I’ve had people assume my child is a girl when they’re wearing black, blue, and red. Less often, but still once or twice, I’ve had strangers assume my child is a boy when they’re wearing white, pink, and purple with lace or ruffles.

In no way do I think that certain colours or clothing styles are ‘girl’ clothes or ‘boy’ clothes. In fact, my whole parenting strategy around clothes and gender is an attempt to teach my child that this is not the case. But I am very much aware that people use these as gender related signals.

So when strangers assign my child a gender, what does that say about my child, or my decisions around what they wear? Absolutely nothing. It is a reflection of the stranger’s biases, stereotypes, and assumptions. Some people heavily gender strangers based on their clothing. Some people gender strangers based on their hair style or facial features, or any other numerous factors.

The funny thing to me is that the majority of these ‘gendered’ signals aren’t present in babies and young children. Yet the majority of people still look for them and make an assumption based on the limited information the parents have given them via the child’s clothing, hairstyle, and accessories. The need to assign a gender is so strong that most people will try to do it despite having limited and even conflicting information. The alternative – to not know a child’s gender – is so far outside their awareness as being an option that their brain doesn’t even consider it as a fallback plan.

TO CORRECT THEM OR NOT, THAT IS THE QUESTION

When strangers gender my child using pronouns that are associated with their sex assigned at birth, I usually go with it. This is how our child is most often gendered at home and at daycare. We are trying to provide gendered experiences from a wide range regardless of their sex assignment but we have still chosen to use binary gendered pronouns for the most part. As stated above, I often dress my child in a variety of colours and styles of clothing so I usually find it interesting and wonder what about my child’s presentation lead them in that direction.

When strangers gender my child using the binary pronouns that are not typically associated with their sex assigned at birth, more thoughts go through my head. I still find it interesting and wonder what lead them to that assumption. Then I wonder ‘Should I correct them?’ If I do, this will challenge the stranger’s connections between my child’s presentation and their gender. But it will also model to my child that their gender is supposed to match their sex assigned at birth. This is a transphobic belief and not one I want to reinforce for my child. If I don’t correct them, the stranger gets to keep their assumptions around presentation and gender in tact (unfortunately) but my child gets a more gender expansive experience of getting to see how it feels being referred to using different pronouns.

So far, I err on the side of ‘go with the flow’, avoid conflict, and provide my child with a more interesting gender experience. After all, my child’s experience is more important than expanding a stranger’s mind. However, as soon as my child expresses awareness of their own gender and a preference for a particular set of pronouns and language, I will be happily correcting strangers whenever they get it wrong.

How do you respond when someone genders your child, correctly or incorrectly? What tthoughts go through your head when deciding how to respond?

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When You Get It Wrong: How to Correct Yourself and Others When it Comes to Trans Identities

WHEN YOU MISGENDER SOMEONE

Even I, a nonbinary person with a trans husband, sometimes get people’s pronouns or preferred language wrong. Our brains are used to holding onto stereotypes and first impressions as shortcuts. It takes conscious effort to change how we perceive people and the language we are using for them. So, when someone you know comes out as trans or nonbinary, or simply asks you not to use certain language when referring to them, you will likely get it wrong at some point.

When you get it wrong, correct yourself and move on.

Do not apologize, especially not repeatedly or profusely. By apologizing, you are putting the focus on you and the mistake you made and forcing the trans person into the socially conventional role of either thanking you for the apology or excusing the original mistake, neither of which is acceptable.

The more you apologize, the more you are emphasizing the mistake in your brain. Repeating what you said with the correct pronouns, name, or other language is necessary to cement the correct version in your brain. The more you de-emphasize the mistake and emphasize the correct version, the faster your brain will adapt and stop making mistakes in the first place.

If someone else corrects you, say ‘thank you’ (not ‘sorry’), repeat it correctly, and move on.

Sometimes we are talking without hearing what we are actually saying and someone else hears the mistake for us. If the person you misgendered doesn’t correct you, it’s not because ‘it’s fine’ or they didn’t notice. Trust me, they did. It’s more likely that they don’t want to draw attention to the mistake, to themselves, or don’t have the energy to correct you and everyone else around them every time they are misgendered.

If the trans person or someone else catches your mistake and corrects you, that’s a good thing! That means that the culture of the place you are in or the relationship you have is one of support, openness, and inclusion. Respond to the mistake in a way that upholds this culture. Thank them for making the effort to bring your mistake to your attention, even though it meant going against social convention and interrupting the conversation. Correct yourself by repeating what you said with the correct language. And then move on by continuing with the conversation.

WHEN SOMEONE ELSE MISGENDERES SOMEONE

If people around you are making mistakes, make sure to correct them if you feel it is safe to do so. It is often easier to hear when other people make mistakes than when we do it ourselves. The more you correct someone else, the more you are emphasizing the correct version to yourself and others. You can correct others by interrupting them and stating the correct pronoun/name/language, by repeating what they said but using the correct pronoun/name/language, or by continuing on with the conversation, ensuring to use the correct pronoun/name/language with added emphasis.

If you know the person they misgendered personally, and especially if that person is often present when this misgendering occurs, consider asking them how they want you to respond in these situations. Depending on the relationships involved, they may prefer you don’t correct certain people in favour of preserving a tenuous connection. Or they may not feel comfortable correcting people themself but would really appreciate if you do it on their behalf. It may depend on who else is around or what context you’re in. Sometimes they don’t know yet and it takes some trial and error. You can always check back with them later to confirm or clarify their preferences.

WHAT IF THE PERSON THEY MISGENDERED WILL NEVER KNOW?

Let’s say you’re at a business meeting where a colleague is referring to a previous client who was trans. Or you’re a health care professional at a complex case discussion and someone brings up a case with a trans patient. Or you’re at a family gathering and your uncle refers to a celebrity who is trans. Now let’s say this colleague or family member uses transphobic or ignorant language when referring to the trans person.

What do you do?

You have three options:

  1. Correct them in the moment
  2. Correct them later, in private
  3. Don’t correct them at all

How you decide is important. If you would pick option 1 if there are trans people present who would be directly affected by their comments, and option 2 or 3 if there were no trans people present at the time, I take issue with this. You are assuming that you would know or be able to tell if there are trans people present. This means you are assuming that either trans people are recognizable by how they look (false), or that, because you are an ally, anyone who is trans or questioning would have told you (also false). It also means that you are assuming that if you don’t know of any trans people in the room, everyone must be cis. You are using cisgender as the baseline until proven otherwise rather than keeping an open mind.

I would prefer if you decide based on safety and energy. If you were to correct them in the moment, would it put you at risk, create a much bigger argument that would lead to significantly more transphobia rather than less, or use more energy than you personally have at this time? If any of these are true for you, then pick option 2 or 3, using the same questions to decide. If none of these are true for you, please choose option 1. You never know who in the room needs to hear the correction, either for themself, someone they love, or someone they will interact with in the near future.

Let’s look at each of these options in more detail.

Option 1: Correct them in the moment

This takes practice. The first few times someone says something transphobic in front of you it will be gone and the conversation will have moved on before your brain clicks in and says hey, that’s not right. If you are socially confident, you might be able to interrupt the conversation to make the correction. If not, it will take some planning and repetition.

Make note of phrases that you’ve encountered and what the correct phrase would be or what assumption needs to be corrected. Plan a one sentence correction that you could say. Also plan an interjection to use to get the attention of the people in the conversation first. There’s no point in making a correction if no one hears it. Something like “Excuse me, I heard you say something that I don’t think is right” works well.

The goal isn’t to create a debate around language use and trans issues. It’s to correct how they are referring to a person or using terminology in this context and continue the conversation. So keep your corrections relevant to the topic at hand, using examples specific to the current conversation.

This option takes significant confidence and energy, even if you aren’t a trans person. But it gets easier with practice. It also takes some quick calculations about what the social environment is, how the people in the room are likely to respond to your correction, and whether you have sufficient social capital to be heard. This is a small scale example of the types of calculations that trans people make all day long. It’s part of what it means to be an ally.

Option 2: Correct them later, in private

If, for whatever reason, option 1 isn’t going to be good for you or potential trans people in the room, or the moment passed and you didn’t recognize it or decide what to do about it until later, option 2 is the next best. You have time to think about what you want to say, gather some resources that might be helpful, and pick an appropriate time when they might be more receptive and/or you feel safer or more capable of making a good impact.

This can be a face to face conversation, a text, a phone call, or an email. Sometimes it’s best to have it in writing, sometimes not. You could also consider having backup included in the conversation if necessary – either someone else who was in the room, a supervisor, or an inclusion and diversity rep if one exists in your setting. You can make sure they go with you for the conversation or add them to the email, even privately if necessary.

The important part is that you take action. If the person who made the mistake is receptive, you will be supporting them in making a positive change and providing useful resources. If they aren’t receptive, you are safer and know that you’ll have to take it to the next level should this issue come up again.

The major drawbacks of this option are that the other people in the room didn’t hear the correction so a) they may not recognize that what was said was wrong, b) they may not know what should have been said instead even if they know it was wrong, and c) any trans, nonbinary, or questioning people in the room don’t know you are an ally. So, if you choose option 2, consider other things you can do to address these aspects as well.

Option 3: Don’t correct them at all

This is the least useful option but is also the safest. Only pick this option if you have no other choice. But, if you do have to pick this option, consider other ways you can get information out to the people around you about common errors or assumptions about trans people and corrections/accurate information. Because if you didn’t correct them, and no one else did, it’s not only the person that made the mistake that needs the information but everyone else who was present and didn’t say anything either.

I hope this helps you feel more prepared and more comfortable with correcting yourself and others instead of letting mistakes slide. Leave a comment below with your experiences of correcting yourself or others and any other tips or suggestions you have.

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How to be a Trans Inclusive Health Care Professional

THIS IS IMPORTANT AND YOU CAN HELP!

Trans people experience a wide range of barriers to health care including overt discrimination, uninformed health care professionals, systemic discrimination, and personal biases. As a result, trans people frequently have negative experiences in health care settings and often avoid accessing health care services even when it is necessary. Ultimately, this leads to significant health disparity. This is compounded by having intersectional identities and experiences that also experience health care bias (fatness, racial minorities, disabilities, neurodivergence, sex workers, previous incarceration, current or past drug use, etc.)

Trans people have a significantly higher risk of suicide, especially youth. The single biggest protective factor against this increased risk is having supportive people in their life that respect their name and pronouns. That’s all it takes (though the more support the better of course).

So as a health care professional, what can you do to help? Here are some suggestions.

DON’T ASSUME

Don’t assume you know someone’s gender. Not based on their legal gender marker, their presentation, their body shape, their voice, their experiences, or the clinical service they are accessing. Trans men can be pregnant, birth, and body feed their children. Trans women can have a low voice. Nonbinary people come in all shapes, sizes, and presentations. Not every trans person is able to or cares to change their gender marker.

Don’t assume someone’s pronouns or the language they prefer based on their gender (or any of the other above information). People can use any pronoun regardless of their global gender identity. Pronoun preference can shift day to day, depending on context, or depending on the people they’re with. Other gendered terms are separate from pronouns. People can prefer seemingly conflicting terms (such as preferring Mx., sir, guy, sister, and Mom) and this is perfectly fine.

Don’t assume a trans person’s transition trajectory. Don’t assume every trans person wants to transition in any way, what components they will want to include in their transition, or what order or length of time they will take to access and engage with the options available to them. There are not only two pathways for transitioning. There is no set end point to transitioning. It is a highly variable and individual process that spans many many years if not the rest of their life.

So if you’re not supposed to assume any of these things, how do you find them out so you can interact respectfully and provide the appropriate care? You use neutral language for everyone (not just the people you suspect of being trans) until they specify or until you confirm by asking specific questions. Knowing what questions to ask and how to ask them in a specific and respectful way comes with practice. It is your choice whether you want to practice on your own time (via accessing formal training opportunities or informally interacting with trans people on a personal level) or over the course of your professional career.

RESPECT NAMES, PRONOUNS, AND GENDER IDENTITIES

You don’t have to understand every gender identity in order to respect them.

When you get someone’s name or pronouns wrong (which you will, we all slip up sometimes), correct yourself and move on. Do not apologize, especially not repeatedly or profusely. By apologizing, you are putting the focus on you and the mistake you made and forcing the trans person into the socially conventional role of either thanking you for the apology or excusing the original mistake, neither of which is acceptable.

Repeating what you said with the correct pronouns, name, or other language is necessary to cement the correct version in your brain. The more you de-emphasize the mistake and emphasize the correct version, the faster your brain will adapt and stop making mistakes in the first place.

If someone else corrects you, say ‘thank you’ (not ‘sorry’), repeat it correctly, and move on.

If people around you are making mistakes, make sure to correct them if you feel it is safe to do so. It is often easier to hear when other people make mistakes than when we do it ourselves. The more you correct someone else, the more you are emphasizing the correct version to yourself and others. You can correct others by interrupting them and stating the correct pronoun/name/language, by repeating what they said but using the correct pronoun/name/language, or by continuing on with the conversation, ensuring to use the correct pronoun/name/language with added emphasis.

This goes for documentation and patient records as well. Find a way to include preferred names, pronouns, and other important language in your patient demographics tracking system. Document using the patient’s preferred name and pronouns. If these don’t match their legal information, start with a note that states that you will be referring to [legal name] as [preferred name] and using [preferred pronouns] for the remainder of the patient’s chart. If you have to do this at the beginning of every chart note, then do it. It’s important.

IT IS YOUR JOB AS A PROFESSIONAL TO BE OR BECOME INFORMED

It is not your patient’s job to educate you on the basics of trans identities, trans health care, trans bodies, or how to respectfully interact with them.

It is your job to know what aspects of trans experiences and medical care relate to your scope of practice. If you are a medical doctor and do not understand that trans men do not need prostate exams and trans women do not need pap smears, you have a significant amount of learning to do to be considered a competent medical professional (for anyone, not just trans people).

‘I was never taught that in school’ is never a good reason not to know something. All regulated medical professions have an expectation of continued learning and keeping up with medical advances and new research. Would you prescribe someone the same medication now that you did twenty years ago even if it was no longer recommended and newer medications that are cheaper, more effective, and with fewer side effects had since been developed? No? Then don’t treat a trans person according to twenty year old ‘best practice’ guidelines. Those are no longer best practice. The world of trans care is changing rapidly. It is your job as a professional to stay up to date.

YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING TO BE A GOOD HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL

Even if you are doing your best to stay informed, there will be times when you’re not sure whether you’re missing something or whether their experiences as a trans person simply aren’t relevant. You don’t need to know everything. But…

You need to be willing to admit when you don’t know something.

You need to do the work to learn what you need to know when you identify a gap in your understanding or knowledge.

And you need to be able to find the information you need and assess whether the source is reputable, scientifically based, and whether it holds bias (hint: there is always some bias if it is a scientific source so it’s important to be aware of it).

TRUST THE PATIENT

Trans people’s experiences are incredibly nuanced, intersectional, and often very internal. You cannot judge what a trans person (or anyone, really) is struggling with internally by looking at them. Therefore, you cannot judge what care would be best without first understanding and accepting what they are telling you about their experiences, struggles, joys, and desires.

It is your patient’s job to be as honest with you as they think is safe and necessary in order access the care they need. Sometimes this involves misrepresenting their identity or hiding parts of their medical history. The more informed you are and the more respectful you are, the more likely your patient will trust you, the more honest they are likely to be with you, and the better the care you can provide.

Don’t question their lived experience because it is outside your area of experience or expectation. Trans people are not exaggerating when they describe the systemic barriers they face such as long wait times, repetitive updates and submissions of forms, lack of appropriate processes for changing legal documentation, etc. You can be shocked and disgusted that that is the way the system is but unless you have your own lived experience of navigating these barriers with a trans person and have found a way around or through them, you have no right to argue against them, suggest that they are doing something wrong, or simply haven’t tried hard enough.

TRANS PATIENTS ARE STILL PATIENTS

At the end of the day, trans patients are still patients. If you’re not sure how to proceed, draw on your clinical knowledge and treat the patient in front of you, not the trans patient you are assuming they are.

Don’t know whether the testosterone that a trans patient is taking may be relevant to the reason you are seeing them? Go back to the basics. What affects does testosterone have on a human body? What body systems might it affect? Are these relevant to your patient’s current concerns? You can follow a similar thought process for any component of trans experience or medical care.

If you think something might be relevant, explain your reasoning to the patient in terms they would understand and ask some clarifying questions. If you’re still not sure, make a note of it and move on to the next part of your assessment. Then, before you see the patient for their next visit, learn more about it.

As with any patient, consider the whole health of the patient, mental health included. If there is a component of their trans identity or trans specific medical care that you are worried is causing concern for other aspects of their health, consider ALL the consequences of interrupting that behaviour or medical care before making a recommendation.

Often, trans people have to compromise their physical health and wellbeing in order to protect or maintain their mental health and wellbeing enough to function in society. If you then suggest that they change their behaviour in order to protect or improve their physical health, that change could cause significant damage to their mental and emotional health (which is much harder to get help with and recover from). So, before making any recommendations, ensure that you understand the patient’s reasons for engaging in that behaviour or pursuing that avenue of medical care. You may not be seeing the big picture, or your version of the big picture might be different from your patient’s.

WHERE TO GO FROM HERE

I hope this has helped clarify a few things and point you in the right direction. Simply by reading this, you are already showing you are a better health professional to trans people than the majority. That is how low the bar is. Please help raise it.

Below you will find recommended resources. These are a place to start, not a sum total of what you need to know. If these links are outdated or broken, please let me know. I will try to keep it up to date. But again, if you are a health professional, you have the skills to find these resources on your own.

Beyond these links, how are you supposed to learn more about trans people (or other minority groups that differ from your experience)? Here are a few options:

  • Talk to a trusted friend or family member who is trans (or other minority) outside of a professional-patient relationship
  • Read descriptions of trans experiences written by trans people (such as this blog)
  • Attend a lecture or other learning opportunity presented by a trans person
  • Pay a trans person to provide education to you and your staff or assess your clinic/practice on the basis of trans inclusion

Reach out if you are struggling to find specific resources. If you are a trans person and would like to add suggestions to this post for how health professionals can be trans inclusive, please leave a comment!! The more experiences and voices the better.

REFERENCES AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

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How to Find a Queer and Trans Inclusive Daycare

Parenting is hard at the best of times. When you have to trust your child’s care and guidance to a group of strangers at a daycare, you want to know that all the hard work you’ve put in will be supported, not contradicted.

As a queer and trans family, we believe in raising our child in a gender creative and expansive way. We believe in respecting and affirming their bodily autonomy and teaching and modeling consent. We believe that under no circumstances do body parts define a person’s gender and until a baby is old enough to vocalize their preferred gender, pronouns should be considered temporary. Gendered language should be used sparingly (using child instead of girl or boy) or expansively (using child, girl, and boy equally to refer to the child).

As a queer and trans family, we don’t feel constrained by traditional gender roles. We don’t necessarily use traditional, binary parental terms or binary pronouns. We don’t necessarily celebrate traditional binary parental days. Our families may include sperm donors and donor siblings, surrogate and bio parents, children of our close queer friends whom our kiddo thinks of as ‘cousins’, and many other varieties.

Having to interact with institutions that care for our child opens the door to discrimination, isolation, and othering. Finding an inclusive daycare, school, pediatrician, etc is a lot of work. Often, these don’t even exist or we choose to travel much further than we hoped in order to access them. When we do find one, we often still have to do significant work to explain our identities and family structure and recommend ways they can be even more inclusive.

This is because there is a difference between accepting, aware, inclusive, and affirming. For me, accepting is the bare minimum. This is the absence of overt discrimination. Awareness comes when they understand the unique needs and identities of the queer and trans families they may encounter but haven’t necessarily taken steps to make space or include these in their policies and programs. Once they create and act on these policies and programs and complete some LGBT diversity and inclusion training, I would consider them inclusive. If they actively include diverse gender identities and family structures in their representations, encourage the kids to engage in all kinds of play regardless of sex or gender, vocalize their pronouns and ask families and kids about their own (as age appropriate), and apply all kinds of adjectives to kids regardless of sex or gender, then I would consider them affirming. This, I have yet to find.

We are currently in the middle of searching for a daycare for our little one. I don’t yet have the experience of working with a daycare to understand and respect our family’s identities and our child’s gender presentation and personal boundaries. I’m sure I will share more on that when it comes. For now, here are a few ways I have used to search for a queer and trans inclusive daycare.

COMMUNITY RECOMMENDATIONS

This is the best option. Having a recommendation from another family with similar identities/structure to yours who already attends a daycare and has had a good experience not only gives you a first hand recommendation but also another family to back you up should you need to bring up issues around inclusivity.

However, this is also the hardest to find for most of us. I received one recommendation from a queer (but not trans) family for a daycare they attend and like and one recommendation from a queer and trans family for a daycare they attend and have had no problems with (but isn’t actively inclusive).

So I kept those daycares in mind and moved on to other options:

WEBSITES

I did a quick search for daycares within commutable range of our house and came up with about 13 options. I thought this was a pretty good number. I then looked at all their websites. Of the 13, only one mentioned gender in the types of diversity they were supportive of. A couple others mentioned being supportive of/welcoming all types of families, family structures, and cultures.

This was not super encouraging. Clearly, I would have to ask specific questions to see if any of the others were inclusive even though they didn’t mention anything on their websites.

CONTACT WITH QUESTIONS

So I sent out emails to my top eight choices in our area based on their policies and programs listed on their websites. The more emails I sent, the more brave I got and the more specific and direct my questions became. Because really, what is a daycare going to do to me if they’re transphobic and I’m asking about inclusivity? The worst that could happen is I get a negative response which would give me a very clear answer about whether to send my child there or not.

Here are some questions that I asked:

  • Do you have any policies regarding interactions with trans and queer families and children?
  • Has your staff done any LGBT specific diversity and inclusion training?
  • What is your knowledge of and perspective on gender development in children?
  • What is your approach to children’s toys, clothing, pronouns, and other language?
  • Do you have any LGBT inclusive children’s books?
  • Do you have any LGBT identifying staff?
  • Have you had/do you currently have any other LGBTQ families attending your daycare?

The majority of responses ignored all of my specific questions and used a blanket statement such as ‘we are supportive of all cultures and families’. What this says to me is ‘I don’t understand why these questions are necessary and have no idea how I would answer them in a way that would satisfy you so I will reassure you as best I can and hope that’s good enough’. This falls into the category of ‘accepting’ but not even ‘aware’.

The couple that responded with more specific answers to my questions had decent answers and freely admitted when my question was not something they had ever considered before. One even went so far as to say they would put that at the top of their list for training opportunities for their staff, resources to add to their library, and further learning for themselves. While I would consider that falling in the ‘aware’ to ‘inclusive’ categories, they show potential for being ‘affirming’ in the future and open to corrections and suggestions.

The ones that had good responses and the ones that were recommended by other LGBT people became the list of places we wanted to tour.

TOURING SITES

This is the stage we are currently in. Here is a list of things we are paying attention to when we go on site tours.

What to look for

  • Books with LGBT characters, families, and gender creative representations and stories
  • Gender neutral toys and play spaces (red flags for anything divided into boys/girls or pink/blue)
  • Pronouns included on staff ID badges/name tags or kids’ cubby areas

Interactions with staff

  • Do they respectfully ask about your family structure, identities, and pronouns?
  • Do they introduce themselves with their pronouns?
  • Do they gender your child before asking what pronouns you are using for your child?
  • How do they react if you correct their use of language for your child or family?
  • If you observe them interacting with other children, do they interact in a way you are comfortable with?

HOW TO BE A QUEER AND TRANS INCLUSIVE DAYCARE

If you are someone who works in childcare, here are some suggestions for ways you can be queer and trans affirming in your business structure and programming. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

  • Mandatory 2SLGBTQ inclusion and diversity training for current staff
    • Include this in new staff training or repeat after a period of staff turnover
  • Familiarity and competence using a variety of pronouns
  • Knowledge of how gender develops in children
  • Actively counteract your biases around gendered clothing, toys, behaviours, and types of play
  • Use a variety of adjectives and forms of encouragement for all children
  • Books that depict families of all structures, children and parents of various gender experiences and presentations, and a variety of pronouns.
  • Ask for and offer your pronouns when interacting with kids and adults

If you are a queer or trans parent and looking for childcare, I hope this helps give you ideas or makes you feel less alone in the struggle. If you have other questions you would ask, other things you would look for during tours, or other recommendations to childcare businesses, please leave them in a comment or send me an email! I’d love to hear your experiences with your hunt for inclusive and affirming childcare.

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Trans Wisdom: Language Is Important

PRONOUNS ARE FOR EVERYONE

Since trans people have become more visible, pronouns have been discussed a lot more openly. The funny thing is, we were all using pronouns the whole time. We were simply assuming the gender of the people around us based on their presentation and then assigning the pronoun that related to that gender.

What trans people are trying to show the general public is that not only can you not assume someone’s gender based on appearance but you also can’t guess what pronouns someone is most comfortable with. This means we have to ask people what pronouns they use. Not only if someone looks ambiguous or doesn’t fit our cis-based expectations. Everyone.

This means cis people should also get asked what pronouns they use. Even better, cis people should be initiating the conversation about pronouns with each other. Specify your pronouns and then ask a new acquaintance for their pronouns. Keep doing this until it no longer feels awkward.

Have you ever thought about what pronouns you are comfortable with? Have you ever tried referring to yourself with a set of pronouns you don’t typically use? Try it. See how it feels. If it’s extremely uncomfortable, you will have a better understanding of what trans people experience. Maybe you’ll discover that a different set of pronouns actually does feel better than what you’ve been using. If pronouns do not equal gender, your gender can align with what you were assigned at birth (you can be cisgender) even if you are more comfortable with a different set of pronouns.

KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE FEELS GOOD TO YOU

There is a lot of gendered language out there other than pronouns. Depending on your history with various terms, some of it will be comfortable for you and some won’t. You can think critically about the language that people use to refer to you on a daily basis and decide what you’re okay with and what you’re not. And then you can ask those around you to use the language that you’re comfortable with.

This practice is part of the trans experience but is not exclusive to being trans. When someone comes out as trans, most of what gets talked about is respecting their name and pronouns (very important). But another component is using appropriately gendered language. Saying ‘hey girl’ in greeting to a trans man is likely to be extremely uncomfortable for them while saying it to a trans woman might be very affirming.

More to the point, there might be cis men that like being greeted with ‘hey girl’ and cis women who hate it. You are allowed to specify what language people use to refer to you. But in order to do that you have to know what language bothers you and what language you would prefer them to use instead.

ANYONE CAN CHANGE THEIR NAME

Lots of people change their last names when they get married. Trans people often change their first names. If trans people can do it, so can cis people. You do not have to change your gender marker when you change your name. Those are two completely separate processes. You can change your name to anything you want. You can do this legally without asking people to call you by the new name, you can ask people to call you a different name but not bother to change it legally, or you can do both. It is a challenging, irritating process but it does not require you to provide proof of being trans.

If you or someone you know might be interested in changing their name and is wondering where to start, ask a trans person who lives in your area! If they haven’t gone through the process yet, they can likely find out how from someone they know.

LANGUAGE CAN BE DANGEROUS OR PROTECTIVE

It is extremely important to be aware of the context in which you are using language. It can be irresponsible and possibly damaging to your relationship if you refer to a mutual friend’s recent cancer diagnosis when you were the only person they had told. Or if you treat someone differently after they tell you they’re pregnant and thus alert others to that fact before they were ready.

Outing someone as trans in a situation where they are vulnerable (to their employer, to a group of people who are potentially transphobic, to their family that they live with) can be extremely dangerous. This could happen a couple different ways: if they are assumed to be their correct gender by those around them (stealth) and you make reference to their trans status or misgender them, or if they are assumed to be their gender assigned at birth and you refer to them with their correct name or pronouns.

However, constantly misgendering someone in situations where they want to be identified for who they are also has a chronic negative effect on their mental health. For this reason, making sure to gender them correctly has a protective effect. It also sets a good example for the people around them.

So if gendering them correctly and gendering them according to their sex assigned at birth could be both dangerous and protective depending on the situation, how are you supposed to know what language to use?

You ask them privately, or better yet, in advance.

It is important to find out who knows what type of information and who it is safe to mention it to. This is the same strategy that you should use for other types of sensitive information such as a cancer diagnosis or pregnancy. Find out who else knows and how that should inform the language you use around them.

INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE REQUIRES SPECIFICITY

Lots of people or organizations want to be inclusive. They filter out any words from their messaging that label a specific group of people assuming that the more generic their message, the more inclusive it is. For a general statement of address such as changing ‘ladies and gentlemen’ to ‘honoured guests’ this is fine. But for anything more specific than that, in my experience, generic does not equal inclusive.

If language doesn’t specify a group of people or a specific experience, the assumption is that it is designed to meet the needs of the majority, not designed to be inclusive.

Another way people try to use language to be inclusive is by naming a specific group and tailoring their services to that group. This becomes a concern when their services are actually related to an experience, not a group. They make the assumption that everyone in that group shares that experience and everyone with that experience belongs to that group. For example, labeling everything related to pregnancy as a woman’s experience. Instead, it is more inclusive to name the experience instead of a group. For example, ‘people who menstruate’ instead of ‘women’.

In order to use language in inclusive ways you also have to know how the meaning of words has changed over time and how different groups of people use words differently. The same messaging could mean very different things to people of different generations, different races, or different classes.

It’s hard to be completely inclusive but using language that is as specific to what you really are talking about makes it more clear who you are referring to.

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Gender in Isolation

In the time of the COVID 19 pandemic, many of us are living in physical isolation. We have significantly less social interaction, especially with strangers, and the majority of our social time is over the internet using video chat. Depending on your situation, this time of isolation may have been helpful or harmful as it relates to your gender. For me, it has been a bit of both.

My experience of isolation, in general, has been positive. I live with a supportive spouse, I have job and housing security, and I haven’t had any major medical incidents (other than giving birth to our baby). I know this is not the case for everyone, especially queer and trans people. Many are isolated with family members that are not supportive of their identity or even abusive. Many have lost their income. Many have had major mental or physical health crises. If your experience differs from mine, I would love to hear about it. Please share in the comments or send me an email. However, I will stick to my own experiences for the purposes of this post.

HELPFUL ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Separating Physical and Social Dysphoria Triggers

When I am home alone, or with only my spouse, the majority of my dysphoria goes away. This has made it even more obvious to me how much of my dysphoria is triggered by social interactions and how important it is for me to build a life for myself where I am predominantly in supportive environments. The flip side of this is that it also has shown me what aspects of my dysphoria are present regardless of social interaction. These are physical and part of my experience even when I’m by myself.

For example, I always assumed my dysphoria related to my chest was triggered by having other people see me as female as a result of the shape of my chest. Turns out I have almost the same amount of dysphoria even when I’m by myself, it’s just easier to ignore because it’s not compounded by all the other socially triggered parts of dysphoria.

Decreased Social Dysphoria

About 75% of my dysphoria is triggered by social situations. This includes being misgendered, hearing female language used to refer to me, and being expected to look and act a certain way. Since being in isolation, I have had so much less exposure to these triggers that I have way more energy and emotional bandwidth to spend on other things, like taking care of my four month old!

Seeing how much of a difference this has made has given me incentive to try to be open about my gender when interacting with new people and even work on coming out to other people in my life. Hopefully over time this will shape my social environment into a more supportive one that has fewer triggers for dysphoria.

Space to Experiment in Safety

Though I haven’t felt the need to experiment in the last few months as I have done a fair amount of this already, I have found isolation necessary to experiment in the past. Trying something in private has always been the first step in seeing how I feel about it gender-wise. If it feels good, I’ll try it in a queer inclusive space next. If it doesn’t, I’m always glad I tried it on my own first.

The isolation isn’t just good for the experimentation but also for the process of building up courage and taking care of myself afterwards. Sometimes this means laying out what I want to try and just holding it up to myself or feeling it before trying it on. Sometimes it means having time to take pictures or look in the mirror. Sometimes it means changing into comfy clothes and working out or cleaning afterwards to get rid of excess energy and re-ground myself in my body. Almost always, it means having time to journal about the experience either immediately after or a day or two later. Having to interact with others while feeling vulnerable and confused about the experience is extremely taxing. So doing the experiments is always easier during a period of isolation.

DIFFICULT ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Testing Public Reactions

Often when I make a change to my appearance or behaviour I am doing it in an attempt to influence how other people see me and interact with me. Seeing how the change influences others can’t be done without social interaction. This means that while I may find ways of being that I am very comfortable with for myself, it may not have the effect I’m hoping for when I’m out in public or at work. This stage of experimentation will have to wait for when the social isolation has ended.

Coming Out and Reinforcing the Change

Being in isolation may have given me the bandwidth to build up courage to come out to more people and shown me how necessary it is but it doesn’t allow me to reinforce the changes that others have to make as a result. Coming out as trans or nonbinary requires a bunch of work from the other party. For me, this usually includes changing the pronouns and language they use to refer to me. Most people can’t do this without significant practice. And most people need to be corrected when they get it wrong before they start to correct themselves or get it right on the first try.

Without the regular social interaction following coming out, I can’t do this repeated correcting and reinforcing. Sometimes this means the change in how they refer to me happens slower, and sometimes it stalls and doesn’t happen at all and I have to repeat the coming out process at a later date.

Separation from Queer and Trans Support

While the global pandemic has led to many support groups moving online and therefore becoming accessible to me even though I don’t live in the area, it has also led to not having access to my in person, local group of queer and trans friends. There’s something different about meeting in person that I don’t get from an online group. I miss it and I’m looking forward to the days when I can get it back.

How has isolation influenced your relationship with your gender, either recently or in the past? Leave me a comment or send me an email with your thoughts and experiences!

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Childhood Influences on Parenting Experiences

Note: This is the first guest post on the blog! If you listened to Season 1 of Let’s Talk Gender, you’ll have heard Jake talk about his transition. Now you get the first blog post from him. Enjoy!

As trans people, we know that a person’s sex doesn’t dictate their gender and upholding societal expectations of gender would be hurtful to our child’s existence. The gender of the child is especially irrelevant in the early stages of parenting because babies are mostly blobs. As they grow we will help them explore the vast world of gender. Regardless of how our child chooses to present and identify in the future, we will love and support them.

And yet, when we were trying to get pregnant, the question of “are we hoping for a boy or a girl?” still came up. I was hoping slightly more for a boy. I thought that raising a girl and trying to build up her confidence against a misogynistic world would be harder than teaching a boy about privilege.

I was beyond thrilled when our 10 week blood test came back with no abnormal chromosomal conditions and that we would be having a boy. I felt that I could vicariously live through his “male” childhood since I didn’t get to have one myself.

This is not fair to him. It is his childhood, not mine. Even by virtue of who his parents are, his childhood will be completely different from mine. However, this reaction, and the subsequent un-learning, has lead to a lot of reflection.

HOW MY PARENTS GENDERED ME

My mother had me at 19, and whether it was a function of her age, because it was the 80’s, or because of who she is as a person, she let us do what we wanted. My sister and I played with what we wanted, where we wanted, and wore what we wanted. My mom’s easy-going approach was a big reason why it took so long for me to realize I was trans (but more on that in a different post).

My father, however, was 8 years older and grew up in a military house. He always said that he wanted to make his love apparent to us since he didn’t feel it much from his parents when he was growing up, but he was much more strict about what was expected from us, including enforcing societal views on how we should be acting as girls.

RAISING ‘BOYS’

My parents divorced and remarried and my dad had another child who is now 7 years old. My dad has mellowed with age and perhaps a marriage that is more his style, and mentions frequently that he regrets how he raised us, that he was too strict, and wishes he let us express more of who we were.

In watching my dad interact with his young son, I am amazed at how lenient he is with him. Maybe my dad has become more easy-going, as he says, or maybe he is more willing to let his son do what he wants because “boys will be boys.” My dad has mentioned that his son is “all boy” in the way he interacts – he is rough and boisterous and doesn’t like to follow instructions. He has also said he wants to take good care of his health because “it is clear to him that my son will need a strong male role model” in his life. These are not phrases I would be comfortable using in reference to my own child.

My dad frequently sends me texts about his son and his bodily discoveries, saying “Just wait til your son gets older”, and “boys!! oi-vey!!”. I know he sends these in an attempt to commiserate and create a bond that is strangely based on our child’s genitals, but it leaves me feeling dysphoric and unsatisfied with my childhood. Of course I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with a penis and experience all those discoveries. Of course I don’t know what it’s like to experience the freedom that’s granted to boys and not girls, and seems to be perpetuated by my dad.

But will I let this dissatisfaction make me overcompensate with my own child? Will I let the influences my parents had on me dictate how I raise my own child? Not if I can help it.

MOVING FORWARD

While I initially fell victim to the same “do I want a boy or a girl” thinking that seems to predominantly afflict cis and heteronormative parents-to-be, what’s important is how to move forward. I vow to do better by my child. I challenge my assumptions when I think of my child as a grown up. I remind myself to not restrict myself (or my child) simply based on what genitals he was born with.

While we have chosen to use he/him pronouns for our child, we don’t believe that this dictates his gender. We avoid all other gendered language (son, little man, good boy, etc). We put him in clothes that we like and that fit him, regardless of design or colour. And we will be allowing him to play with any toys, where he wants, and to wear what he wants. We will be asking open questions about gender and presentation and be honest with him about our own identities.

While I initially wanted a boy, I now truly understand that it wouldn’t matter. My baby is my baby and will grow up into whatever human being they want to be.

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How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking

The majority of the world’s cultures are structured around the gender binary – male and female. Everyone who grows up in these cultures is automatically trained to see everything around them through the lens of the gender binary. We are trained to associate almost everything around us with gender. Similar to prescribing human traits to animals, a lot of these associations are fake.

Even when we ascribe gender to a person, it is often based on many aspects that, while related to gender, are not synonymous with gender. As a nonbinary person, this leaves little space for me to exist unless I constantly fight for it. So I’d like to share some strategies you can use to reprogram yourself away from seeing the world through the lens of the gender binary and build yourself a new, clearer lens that is at least gender neutral, if not gender expansive.

GENDER ISN’T BINARY, AND NEITHER IS SEX

The first step is to recognize that gender isn’t binary. Often people assume it is because we base gender on sex when a baby is born and we see sex as binary. But, as it turns out, sex isn’t binary either. Sex is made up of many factors including chromosomes, hormones, hormone receptors, gene expression, internal and external genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics.

Some of these can be tested for, some of these are known from birth, but some of these fluctuate throughout life, especially during puberty. Often, if someone has external genitalia that we have ascribed to a binary sex, that is the category they are assigned to. If they have other aspects that don’t match that category, they may not find out until puberty, or through fertility testing, or even later.

So no, gender isn’t binary, and neither is sex.

DICONNECT BODIES FROM GENDER

If gender and sex are separate traits, then our gender is not based on our body. Our gender is in our heart and our mind. So no matter what body I have, for me it is a nonbinary body. All parts of this body are nonbinary. Even parts that are typically used to determine a person’s sex. Because I am nonbinary, those parts of my body are also nonbinary. So why assign a gender to any part of anyone’s body that isn’t their own gender?

This takes a little more work, but try to disconnect bodies from gender. Especially genitalia and secondary sex characteristics. Anyone of any gender can inhabit those bodies and anyone of any gender can have any physical characteristics.

DICONNECT GENDER FROM CLOTHING AND OTHER PRODUCTS

The commercial industry would have us believe that certain clothes are for certain genders. Almost every product aisle has separate products for men and women. This, too, is fake. Buy whatever clothes suit you, feel good, and look the way you want to look. Wear whatever colours you want to wear. Use whatever shampoo and razor you want to use. Read whatever books you want to read.

Better yet, when you see someone else wearing certain clothes, colours, or jewelry, don’t assume their gender as a result. Don’t give into the training of the commercial industry!

DICONNECT GENDER FROM PERSONALITY TRAITS AND INTERESTS

The differences between boys and girls has been widely studied. It can be speculated how much of this is nature vs nurture but it is impossible to disconnect a child from the environment they are raised in. If society teaches us that boys are energetic and rough and girls are quieter and more social, then we will subconsciously train children to act that way. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyone can have any personality traits and interests. There are no traits that are strictly male or female traits (again, what about nonbinary people?). So next time someone has a particular interest or acts in a way you’re not expecting, check your expectation. Was it based on their gender? Would you have had the same surprised reaction if they acted in a way that you felt ‘conformed with their gender’? Try to train yourself away from assigning gender to personality traits or associating certain interests and traits with certain genders.

GENDERING STRANGERS

So if you’re not supposed to assume someone’s gender based on their physical traits, their clothing and presentation, or their behaviour and interests, how are you supposed to address them?

As it turns out, you don’t need to know someone’s gender to interact with them. You can refer to anyone using they/them pronouns until their gender is specified to you. This isn’t to say you are assuming everyone is nonbinary. You are using the neutral pronoun of they/them as a place holder. And if it turns out they use they/them pronouns, you’ll have been gendering them correctly the whole time.

This takes practice and requires the use of other neutral language such as person, customer, participants, attendees, friends, folks, or y’all. If you want to point out someone specific who’s gender you don’t know yet, use a physical description such as ‘that person in the yellow skirt’ or ‘the person in the Blue Jays cap’. Try to avoid ‘that woman in the yellow skirt’ or ‘that boy in the Blue Jays cap’. Unless you know this person and their gender, those are the gendered assumptions you have been trained to make that are unnecessary.

RECOGNIZE WHEN NONBINARY PEOPLE ARE EXCLUDED

Often, when referring to a group of people, the genders within the group are specified as men and women – ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads. Nonbinary people are often left out due to lack of reference and lack of awareness. Again, this means we are forced to make space for ourselves in a way that binary-gendered people are not.

Try to recognize these times when gendered language is being used and is nonbinary people. It is easier to recognize when others do it but eventually the goal is to recognize when you do it yourself and correct your use of language to be more inclusive and less binary.

Some of the ways this happens are more insidious. Research is often conducted on ‘men and women’ or sometimes, just men. It is assumed that everyone is cisgendered and binary gendered. Very little research includes a broad enough definition of gender to include nonbinary people. So when you hear a fact that is based on research, assume that it was conducted based on the gender binary unless otherwise specified.

Health care systems are based entirely on the gender binary. Legal systems including prisons and, until recently, legal documentation, are also based on the gender binary. The more you recognize this, the easier it will be to maintain your newly found gender neutral or gender expansive lens while engaging with these environments. If you are in a position to help correct this, please please do. Even if it is just at a local level.

Until you are aware of how and when nonbinary people are excluded, you will likely fall in line with the gender binary assumptions in these situations without realizing it, even if you are pretty good at maintaining a neutral and inclusive lens at other times.

IT TAKES PRACTICE!

Don’t be hard on yourself if this is a struggle at the beginning. It takes a while to realize how much of our daily experience we associate with gender when it really has nothing to do with gender. At some point you will be good at recognizing these situations but not yet be good at correcting your own thinking or language and you will feel overwhelmed. That’s ok! You are making progress! Keep practicing!

It helps if others around you are also trying to change their perspective on gender so that you can help correct each other and have someone to discuss specific assumptions with.

Reprogramming your brain takes time, energy, and practice! I am still working on this myself. The more people that do this, the safer and more welcoming the world will become for me and other nonbinary people. So I thank you in advance. Together, we can change the world.

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