Finding a balance between being a good support for the trans person in your life and your own mental health is extremely difficult. When do you follow their lead and put your own reservations and grief aside and when do you ask them to slow down to give you time to process the changes?
The most important thing to take into account is safety – both psychological and physical. In general, the trans person will experience the highest risk in both these areas. They may withdraw as a result – whether the risk to their safety is actual or perceived. But if they are maintaining a relationship with you and you are able to be a source of support, you also have to be aware of your own safety and the toll that being that support takes on you.
So if the trans person in your life wants to take the next step in transition (coming out, changing legal documents, taking hormones or blockers, surgery, etc) and you don’t feel ready, think about the risk to both yourself and them.
- Will asking them to wait put them at higher risk either physically or psychologically or make them pull away from you?
- Eg: They are ready to come out to the rest of the family but you aren’t sure how to have those conversations with everyone. They may avoid family gatherings as a result and you won’t get any better at having those conversations without practice.
- Eg: They are out to everyone and want to start taking hormones but you are scared of what the changes will be.
- Would you be asking them to wait for a specific length of time or ‘until you feel ready’?
- If there is a specific reason or time frame, this might be acceptable as long as you explain your reasoning to the trans person in your life and they agree.
- Are you actively working on learning about, processing, and grieving the changes that are happening by talking to your own supports (friends and therapist)?
- If not, you have no right to ask the trans person to wait until you are ready.
- If you are, but feel you still need more time, try to be as open and honest about why and what you think that extra time will provide you.
- Is there a compromise that would minimize the risk to their safety but also allow you to continue processing at your own pace?
- Eg: The trans person asking you to take all the pre-transition photos down makes you feel like they are robbing you of those memories. Instead of packing them away in a box, put them up in a room where the trans person won’t typically see them or make a photo album of them that you can flip though whenever you need to.
- Eg: Starting your trans child on hormone blockers to delay puberty rather than withholding medical intervention until they are older because you don’t feel ready.
Every situation that feels hard for you to adapt to will be different in terms of how much risk each option poses to the trans person and yourself and whether there is an appropriate compromise. Finding a solution that protects and supports them while allowing you as much space as you can get takes lots of open communication. If the trans person in your life is not communicating with you, all you can do is talk to other trans people, get their opinions or suggestions and make your best guess. Support them whenever they do communicate with you and take care of yourself in other ways (talking to others, keeping pictures for yourself, keeping a journal, etc.)
If there is no option that reduces the risk for both of you you may need to step away for your safety or theirs and that’s okay. Try to be honest with the trans person in your life so they understand where you are coming from. If possible, help them connect with other resources that can provide some of the support that you can no longer offer.
Some vague thing in the future that may or may not be difficult for you is not a good reason to hold someone else back when they are struggling. In this case, you are letting fear stop you from being a good support. We can only process and grieve things that have already happened. And you may find that you don’t actually need to grieve as much as you anticipate. You may discover lots of things that you can celebrate that you didn’t know would happen.
Before change happens, all we have is fear. After it happens, we can see how much happier the person is, how much more confident, and that helps offset the pain and grief. It makes it worth the struggle. So try to find a way to be a good support that allows you to continue to participate in the process and be present. If you ignore your own process and grief, you will not be able to continue to be a good support for very long.
What parts of the transition process did you have the most difficulty processing and accepting? How did you communicate this to the trans person in your life? Did you find a compromise that worked for both of you? Leave me a comment below. Your experiences might help someone else in a similar situation.