Coming out is not a one time thing. The closet metaphor may be accurate for how it feels with each instance but it is not a good metaphor for the lifelong process and constant decisions.
Coming out is a matter of degrees. You can be completely open about your identity or experience or just hint at one part of it. You can also be out to a different extent to different people.
Deciding how ‘out’ to be can be a complicated process. How ‘out’ is it safe to be in this situation? How much energy do you have for the questions that will follow? Is it worth the risk? How much benefit will all the effort give you?
The way I see it, it is a matter of need and benefit on the ‘pro’ side vs cost and risk on the ‘con’ side. For me, this equation usually tips to the con side at the moment. But I’ve been working on being more aware of the balance and, when it does tip to the pro side, taking the opportunity to come out to more people.
PROS
Need
Because my gender shifts between male and female so I am comfortable being seen as female about 30% of the time. When I am uncomfortable it is a moderate discomfort so my need to come out is at a low to moderate level at the moment.
Benefit
The benefit of coming out is always hard to determine accurately. It is hard to predict the future. Some things that can help is seeing out people respond to hypothetical conversations or how they respond to a mutual friend or family member coming out before you do.
As a nonbinary person, the benefit of people accepting me for who I am 100% of the time would be just as strong as for any binary trans person but the likelihood of that happening is significantly less. This is simply due to the lack of awareness and the reliance on the binary for so many aspects of western society (see my posts on passing as non-binary and how to explain your fluid gender identity for more discussion on this). So, while the benefit would be huge, I would generally rate it as low likelihood of receiving that benefit.
CONS
Cost
I think of the cost of coming out as an emotional cost. How much effort will it take to get people to understand and eventually lead to the benefits? For similar reasons to the benefit being low, the cost of coming out for me is generally high. I am often the first nonbinary person they have met so I have to start at gender 101 for them to understand why it’s important what I’m saying and why it’s important that they make an effort to use they/them pronouns.
The other thing to take into account in terms of emotional cost is how it feels to be misgendered after coming out to someone vs before. When someone is unaware of my identity, being misgendered feels uncomfortable. When I have come out to someone and still get misgendered it feels terrible. Given the high likelihood of being misgendered as a nonbinary person, this also contributes to the cost being high.
Risk
I think of the risk of coming out as the physical or safety risk. I am lucky to live in an area where being visibly queer does not inherently put me at high safety risk. I would not likely lose my job, my family support, housing, or access to medical care. So the risk of coming out for me is low.
FTM VS NONBINARY
The stage at which this coming out equation is most relevant is the time between when you come out to yourself and the time when you are fully out to everyone in your life (or as out as you ever want to be). I call this stage ‘limbo’. My husband’s limbo stage lasted about about 9 months. Mine has so far been going for about a year and a half with no end in sight.
So what makes such a huge difference? On the pro side, his need was much higher than my own. He was not at all comfortable being identified as female and it only got worse the longer it went on. His benefit was high but had much higher likelihood of paying off. On the con side, his cost was still pretty high but not as high as mine as it is generally easier for people to understand identities that fall within the binary. And, since he has a similar situation to me, his risk was fairly low. So his equation balanced in the ‘come out’ direction much faster than mine has.
SHIFTING THE EQUATION
So what shifts my equation to create those situations where it is worth it for me to come out?
The biggest one is the cost going down. If I am talking to someone who is queer or someone with previous trans knowledge, I have to do a lot less educating. In this situation the likelihood of experiencing the benefits also goes up.
The other time I am likely to come out is when my need is significantly higher (usually as a result of a triggering situation or bad dysphoria).
I will often try opening up about other ‘difficult’ topics to see what kind of response/support I get from someone as a way of testing the waters. If their interaction with me changes for the worse, my likelihood of coming out to them as nonbinary goes down significantly. So don’t take less important seeming conversations any less lightly.
Maybe some day, when the general population is more knowledgeable about nonbinary identities or if my gender shifts more consistently in the male direction, I will come out publicly. Until then, I will be paying attention to this equation situation by situation, person by person and take it one decision at a time.