Year: 2020

How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking

The majority of the world’s cultures are structured around the gender binary – male and female. Everyone who grows up in these cultures is automatically trained to see everything around them through the lens of the gender binary. We are trained to associate almost everything around us with gender. Similar to prescribing human traits to animals, a lot of these associations are fake.

Even when we ascribe gender to a person, it is often based on many aspects that, while related to gender, are not synonymous with gender. As a nonbinary person, this leaves little space for me to exist unless I constantly fight for it. So I’d like to share some strategies you can use to reprogram yourself away from seeing the world through the lens of the gender binary and build yourself a new, clearer lens that is at least gender neutral, if not gender expansive.

GENDER ISN’T BINARY, AND NEITHER IS SEX

The first step is to recognize that gender isn’t binary. Often people assume it is because we base gender on sex when a baby is born and we see sex as binary. But, as it turns out, sex isn’t binary either. Sex is made up of many factors including chromosomes, hormones, hormone receptors, gene expression, internal and external genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics.

Some of these can be tested for, some of these are known from birth, but some of these fluctuate throughout life, especially during puberty. Often, if someone has external genitalia that we have ascribed to a binary sex, that is the category they are assigned to. If they have other aspects that don’t match that category, they may not find out until puberty, or through fertility testing, or even later.

So no, gender isn’t binary, and neither is sex.

DICONNECT BODIES FROM GENDER

If gender and sex are separate traits, then our gender is not based on our body. Our gender is in our heart and our mind. So no matter what body I have, for me it is a nonbinary body. All parts of this body are nonbinary. Even parts that are typically used to determine a person’s sex. Because I am nonbinary, those parts of my body are also nonbinary. So why assign a gender to any part of anyone’s body that isn’t their own gender?

This takes a little more work, but try to disconnect bodies from gender. Especially genitalia and secondary sex characteristics. Anyone of any gender can inhabit those bodies and anyone of any gender can have any physical characteristics.

DICONNECT GENDER FROM CLOTHING AND OTHER PRODUCTS

The commercial industry would have us believe that certain clothes are for certain genders. Almost every product aisle has separate products for men and women. This, too, is fake. Buy whatever clothes suit you, feel good, and look the way you want to look. Wear whatever colours you want to wear. Use whatever shampoo and razor you want to use. Read whatever books you want to read.

Better yet, when you see someone else wearing certain clothes, colours, or jewelry, don’t assume their gender as a result. Don’t give into the training of the commercial industry!

DICONNECT GENDER FROM PERSONALITY TRAITS AND INTERESTS

The differences between boys and girls has been widely studied. It can be speculated how much of this is nature vs nurture but it is impossible to disconnect a child from the environment they are raised in. If society teaches us that boys are energetic and rough and girls are quieter and more social, then we will subconsciously train children to act that way. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyone can have any personality traits and interests. There are no traits that are strictly male or female traits (again, what about nonbinary people?). So next time someone has a particular interest or acts in a way you’re not expecting, check your expectation. Was it based on their gender? Would you have had the same surprised reaction if they acted in a way that you felt ‘conformed with their gender’? Try to train yourself away from assigning gender to personality traits or associating certain interests and traits with certain genders.

GENDERING STRANGERS

So if you’re not supposed to assume someone’s gender based on their physical traits, their clothing and presentation, or their behaviour and interests, how are you supposed to address them?

As it turns out, you don’t need to know someone’s gender to interact with them. You can refer to anyone using they/them pronouns until their gender is specified to you. This isn’t to say you are assuming everyone is nonbinary. You are using the neutral pronoun of they/them as a place holder. And if it turns out they use they/them pronouns, you’ll have been gendering them correctly the whole time.

This takes practice and requires the use of other neutral language such as person, customer, participants, attendees, friends, folks, or y’all. If you want to point out someone specific who’s gender you don’t know yet, use a physical description such as ‘that person in the yellow skirt’ or ‘the person in the Blue Jays cap’. Try to avoid ‘that woman in the yellow skirt’ or ‘that boy in the Blue Jays cap’. Unless you know this person and their gender, those are the gendered assumptions you have been trained to make that are unnecessary.

RECOGNIZE WHEN NONBINARY PEOPLE ARE EXCLUDED

Often, when referring to a group of people, the genders within the group are specified as men and women – ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads. Nonbinary people are often left out due to lack of reference and lack of awareness. Again, this means we are forced to make space for ourselves in a way that binary-gendered people are not.

Try to recognize these times when gendered language is being used and is nonbinary people. It is easier to recognize when others do it but eventually the goal is to recognize when you do it yourself and correct your use of language to be more inclusive and less binary.

Some of the ways this happens are more insidious. Research is often conducted on ‘men and women’ or sometimes, just men. It is assumed that everyone is cisgendered and binary gendered. Very little research includes a broad enough definition of gender to include nonbinary people. So when you hear a fact that is based on research, assume that it was conducted based on the gender binary unless otherwise specified.

Health care systems are based entirely on the gender binary. Legal systems including prisons and, until recently, legal documentation, are also based on the gender binary. The more you recognize this, the easier it will be to maintain your newly found gender neutral or gender expansive lens while engaging with these environments. If you are in a position to help correct this, please please do. Even if it is just at a local level.

Until you are aware of how and when nonbinary people are excluded, you will likely fall in line with the gender binary assumptions in these situations without realizing it, even if you are pretty good at maintaining a neutral and inclusive lens at other times.

IT TAKES PRACTICE!

Don’t be hard on yourself if this is a struggle at the beginning. It takes a while to realize how much of our daily experience we associate with gender when it really has nothing to do with gender. At some point you will be good at recognizing these situations but not yet be good at correcting your own thinking or language and you will feel overwhelmed. That’s ok! You are making progress! Keep practicing!

It helps if others around you are also trying to change their perspective on gender so that you can help correct each other and have someone to discuss specific assumptions with.

Reprogramming your brain takes time, energy, and practice! I am still working on this myself. The more people that do this, the safer and more welcoming the world will become for me and other nonbinary people. So I thank you in advance. Together, we can change the world.

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Gender Roles in the Family

As a queer family, gender roles don’t really exist. Traditionally, the man goes to work, earns the money, drives the car, does house and auto repairs, and plays sports with the kids. Traditionally, the woman stays home, takes care of the kids, keeps the house clean, does the shopping, and cooks meals. This is all based on societal norms that are harmful and unnecessary.

When I met my husband, we both identified as women. We fulfilled the roles that we were each suited to – my husband likes to cook and drive so that’s what he does. Because he cooks and drives, it’s easier for him to do the grocery shopping as well. We have pets and because my husband has asthma, I do the litter and vacuuming. We each do our own laundry.

Then my husband transitioned and now identifies as male. From the outside, we are assumed to be a cisgender heterosexual (cishet) couple. When we’re doing tasks that fall into the traditional gender role that an outsider would classify us as, I find myself slightly uncomfortable, like it’s suddenly harder to tell if we’re doing things that way because society expects us to or because it’s what we’re suited for.

Then throw a baby into the mix. The majority of baby care can be done by either of us and therefore, we split the tasks. When my husband is working, I’m taking care of the baby. When my husband gets home, he takes over for a bit so I can pump or cook dinner or do a workout or have a shower. On his days off, we trade baby care back and forth throughout the day depending on what is happening and what each of us wants to get done.

By not assuming tasks based on societal gender norms we end up filling roles that we are suited to and are more likely to enjoy. As a team, we become more resilient and more adaptable. All roles are up for negotiation and as situations change, the roles we fulfill can change too. For example, while I was pregnant, my husband cleaned the cats’ litter, despite the fact that he needed a mask and goggles to do it without having an allergic reaction. As soon as I could, I took over again, not because I’m expected to, but because my system can tolerate it better.

How do you determine who performs which roles in your family? Is it by suitability and interest, what you were trained to do as a child, or societal expectation? Leave me a comment below and tell me how your familial roles work!

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Making Sense of Myself by Writing Poetry

Back in 2008, a few years after my initial gender questioning experience but many years before I actually figured out my gender or heard the term ‘nonbinary’, I wrote a poem for an LGBT publication at my university. I was going through boxes of notebooks and found the one I had written it in. Reading through it, I found it incredible how accurate it still feels. I don’t even think it was chosen for the publication but it means a whole lot to me so I thought I’d publish it here.

Both

Neither boy nor girl.
Not neither, both. 
Sometimes one more than the other, 
But always both. 

Gender is fluid, always changes.
It's not black and white, 
not static, 
not for me. 
Gender fluidity.

It's not visible like race. 
It's who I am and part of all I do. 
The way I walk,
the way I talk,
the way I punch your shoulder. 
The clothes I wear defy gender, do not conform,
instead show who I am. 
And the way I sit - have you not noticed?

Of course not. 
I use the women's washroom
(every time glancing at the men's sign).
I check the 'female' box on forms
(wishing it didn't matter).
It's in the language:
Masculine, feminine, he, she, him, her. 
It's defined, as it should be, 
as it needs to be,
for society. 
But not for me. 

I'm not butch, that's just an image. 
Don't call me a tomboy, that's just a name. 
I don't need a category, 
I don't want a label. 
I'm me and will forever be
neither boy nor girl. 
Not neither, both. 
Always both.

There are some parts of this that I’ve changed my perspective on or have a deeper understanding of. I now understand that race can be as invisible as gender, just as difficult to navigate as gender, and is absolutely as inherent to someone’s identity as their gender. I also do appreciate labels as a way to communicate who I am in a variety of ways depending on who I’m talking to and what the situation is. But the labels typically given to me by society feel just as wrong or irritating now as they did when I wrote this poem.

Even without accurate language to describe it, much understanding of it, or much experience exploring my own gender, I was still able to communicate the emotional experience of living as a nonbinary person in a binary-gendered society.

If you’re stuck on a strong emotion and keep going around in circles no matter who you talk to or what advice you hear, try writing it down as a poem. I have relied on this as a tool of expression, communication, and self-discovery many times over the years all the way from elementary school into adulthood. Even if you’re not the poetry type, or don’t think you’re good with words, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be eloquent. If you start from a place of strong emotion and use words that represent that emotion and the experience that triggered it or what it feels like to sit with it, you may be surprised how powerful your words can be.

Give it a try and, if you’d like to share, post your poem in the comments or send it to me in an email. I’d love to read it.

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Goal Setting 2021

If the year 2020 taught us anything, it was that anything can happen and we need to be flexible in order to survive. One of the ways I failed in this was when I set my goals for 2020.

Every year in December I set up my bullet journal for the next year. This includes writing down my goals and deciding how I’m going to track them. Having goals that work for me helps me keep my sense of progress and growth. The act of goal setting forces me to decide what I feel is most important to focus on. And having a way to track my goals and a timeline for when I’ll check back keeps me accountable and shows me concretely how I’m doing.

Last year I picked five goals for the year and broke them down into four parts, one for each quarter of the year. I planned to update the tracker at each quarter to see how I’m doing but life got in the way in a big way. Three out of five of my goals were no longer feasible after the first quarter and another by the end of the second quarter.

So this year I’m picking three goals and only writing them out for the first quarter. At the end of the quarter I’ll revisit my goals and if they’re still accurate, I’ll write them out again for the next quarter which will reinforce my commitment. If not, I have space to adjust the intensity of the goal or pick an entirely new goal.

I’ve tried a number of different goal setting strategies and found one that I like the best. It includes five sections: topic, goal, why, how, and tracking. Here’s what goes into each section:

Topic

This the area of your life that the goal relates to. Ideally, each goal should relate to a different area of your life so that if one area is greatly affected or changed, you won’t lose all your goals; the goals from the other areas of your life sill hopefully still work for you. Examples: Health, Creativity, Work, House, Money, School, Fitness, Sport, Relationship.

Goal

What exactly do you want to accomplish? Is it a finite goal (finish something, achieve a certain level or score) or habitual (complete an activity a certain number of times each day, week, or month)? State the goal and the target. Chose things that you have control over. Examples of finite goals: Finish my novel, run 5K without stopping, save $12,000. Examples of habitual goals: Exercise 3 times/week, write in my journal every day, vacuum the house every week.

Why

Why is the goal important to you? What will you gain by having it as your focus? What benefit will you notice from completing it regularly? Write a list of the top 3-5 benefits that are most important or the strongest motivators for you. Examples: More energy, less stress, clearer mind, financial stability.

How

How will you accomplish this goal? How will you keep up your motivation or find the time you need? Who will you need to coordinate with? If you respond well to rewards, how will you reward yourself? What other habits will support this goal? Examples: Get dressed in running clothes before breakfast, write for 30 minutes before work, plan housework into weekly schedule.

Tracking

How will you measure your ongoing progress? Will you keep track on a calendar, a spreadsheet, or right next to where you’re writing out your goals? Will you use stickers, check marks, or colouring something in? Is the completion of each milestone a yes/no or are there levels in between? For finite goals, I like to break them down into weekly targets but if biweekly or monthly works better for you, use that. Habitual goals are easier – if it’s daily, track daily, if its weekly, track weekly, etc.

I can’t stress how important it is to track your progress towards a goal on a regular basis. Seeing good progress can be motivating. Being aware of poor progress quickly allows you to adjust your strategy, build in new habits, or redouble your commitment to your goal. There’s nothing worse than getting to the end of the goal period and having to do a bunch of work to find out if you have accomplished your goal only to realize you didn’t keep track of some key information.

I hope this helps you set motivating goals that are important to you and help you maintain a sense of progress and growth in your life. Share your goals in the comments below! Or if you have a completely different goal setting strategy that works for you, I’d love to hear it. Send me an email or share it in the comments!

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Feeding My Baby as a Nonbinary Person

PLANNING

When I was pregnant and looking ahead to having a newborn, it was very hard for me to tell how I would feel about nursing. I have dysphoria around my chest that fluctuates and when I read information on or listened to people talk about ‘breastfeeding’, my dysphoria would get worse. I didn’t always know if that was because I was feeling more masculine at the time I was absorbing the information, because the language used was dysphoria inducing, or because the act itself would cause dysphoria.

So we planned for all options. I learned what I could about nursing (which turned out to be just the basics because it would inevitably make my dysphoria worse). We purchased a set of bottles, nipples, a sterilizer, and formula. And I looked up information on pumping and bought a basic manual pump to try. No matter how I felt about nursing or how our baby did with it, we had a way to feed them.

NURSING

The first time I tried nursing was nothing special. There was no feeling of euphoria or ecstasy, no overwhelming feeling of connection with my baby. But it went well and within the first few days both of us had figured out the mechanics. During this initial phase, it was all about learning a new skill and as long as I focused on that, the dysphoria was secondary.

By the fourth day we had pretty much gotten the hang of it but my baby was still looking a bit jaundiced and was showing signs of dehydration. It turned out that although my milk was coming in, my let-down was nearly non-existent. My midwives explained that this is common after receiving an epidural. So they showed me how to hand express during nursing to increase the flow.

This worked well and my baby quickly improved. However, hand expression meant I had to be constantly engaged with my chest during nursing every few hours. My let down didn’t seem to improve a whole lot and after a week of doing this my dysphoria had increased to the point where I needed to keep myself, and therefore the baby, covered during feeding. I would express by feel and be able to watch tv as a distraction without the view of my chest in my peripheral vision.

The juxtaposition of the baby that I had a lot of love and connection to and my chest that I was increasingly uncomfortable with was very emotionally taxing. But due to the intense fatigue that comes from recovering from a four day labour and sleep deprivation from having a newborn that needs feeding every 2-3 hours, I was in survival mode and didn’t recognize how emotionally drained this experience of nursing was making me.

In addition, nursing sessions were lasting longer and longer, often an hour or more. According to everything I had read and been told, once my milk came in and the baby learned how to suck and swallow efficiently, nursing would get faster and faster, eventually down to about twenty minutes. I didn’t know why this wasn’t the case for us but I knew it likely wasn’t good. Not to mention the longer sessions were increasing my dysphoria significantly faster.

At our two week follow up with the midwife we found out that the baby wasn’t gaining weight like they should. Despite all the physical and emotional energy I had been putting into nursing, it wasn’t working. Without warning, I broke down into tears. I felt like we had been doing well. The midwife explained that between the baby’s lower body weight and the long nursing sessions, it sounded like I didn’t have enough milk supply. The baby was burning more calories than they were getting. So we decided to start supplementing with formula.

BOTTLE FEEDING

The plan was to nurse at each feeding time for 15-20 minutes per side, then offer formula in a bottle until the baby decided they were full. We discussed other supplementing options like a supplemental nursing system or SNS but since we already had bottles and it would mean that my husband would get a chance to be involved in feeding (which he was excited to try) we decided bottles were the way to go. Besides, an SNS would likely only increase my dysphoria further.

Luckily our baby took to bottle feeding very easily. Maybe it was because it was a clear source of the nutrition they had been struggling to get from me but without all the effort. My husband did the first bottle feeding session using a paced feeding technique. At the second meal, I tried it. The emotional experience of feeding my baby from a bottle as compared to nursing was significant.

I was able to stay engaged, watching my baby figure out how to coordinate sucking, swallowing, and breathing. I could enjoy the cuddles without experiencing dysphoria at the same time. Since both my husband and I were feeding the baby this way, it was a completely gender neutral or gender irrelevant experience. It was lovely.

Once I discovered how much better feeding my baby from a bottle was, I was reluctant to keep nursing. But I wanted to feed my body as much human milk as I could because of the health benefits and the ease of digestion for their still developing gut. So in order to keep increasing my supply without nursing, I had to start pumping.

PUMPING

I started using the manual pump I had purchased while pregnant. It was fairly easy to figure out. I still didn’t have much let-down due to low supply and therefore had to continue to hand express while pumping which meant the dysphoria was just as bad with pumping as with nursing, but it wasn’t competing or overshadowing the positive emotions I had for the baby. I could experience my love and bond with my baby separately.

I also had a feeling of altruism because I was doing the hard work of extracting the milk so my baby didn’t have to. Unfortunately, pumping 4-6 times per day with a manual pump while hand expressing takes a toll on your hands pretty quickly. My hands started getting too sore to express and too sore to pump more than 3 times a day. So I had to be satisfied with whatever milk I got from those sessions (one eighth to one fifth of what my baby was eating) and say that it was better than nothing.

Luckily, my midwives were connected with a publicly funded, trans inclusive lactation clinic in my area and put in a referral.

LACTATION SUPPORT

As soon as we discovered that I had low supply, I started taking supplements to help increase my supply slowly. I was reluctant to take the stronger, recommended medication in case it increased my supply more than I could handle in terms of dysphoria. I really disliked the few times I experienced the feeling of being engorged while my milk was first coming in. The supplements or the pumping seemed to be working because my supply was increasing. By the time the initial visit with the lactation consultant came up, I was consistently producing a fifth to a quarter of what my baby was eating.

Despite knowing that the lactation clinic was trans inclusive, I had significant anxiety and dysphoria leading up to the initial appointment. But they turned out to be great. The intake form that I filled out online in advance didn’t ask explicitly about identity and pronouns but it used inclusive language for the most part and had a fill-in-the-blank box at the end where we could put anything else we thought would be relevant.

They clarified my pronouns right off the bat and asked about my goals. They made it clear that their role was to support me in achieving whatever goals I had, whether it was to increase supply, maintain current levels, or stop lactation altogether. They were understanding and respectful of my experience of dysphoria and my need to balance that with the desire to feed my baby as much using my milk as possible.

Ultimately, I started taking the standard medication to increase supply and rented a hospital grade, double electric pump. I was nervous about how this style of pump would feel and it definitely took some getting used to but it allowed me to set it and forget it while still getting as much milk as possible. I adapted a sports bra to hold the flanges in place and was able to watch tv or play on my phone while pumping. Best of all, I didn’t have to wear out my hands to get milk. Sure, the altruism factor related to the hard work was less but being able to stay covered up and ignore it was great.

WHERE WE ARE NOW

Now, at three months postpartum, I am producing three quarters to 100% of what my baby eats. We have noticed a big improvement in our baby’s amount of gas and therefore their ability to sleep through the night. Even that, without any other benefit, is enough encouragement to keep me going. I am still taking the medication and my supply is still increasing slowly but with minimal feelings of engorgement and only pumping three times per day.

My plan is to continue what I’m doing for another three months. I will stop taking the medication after about eight weeks on it or once my supply is to the level I want, whichever comes first. Once my baby is six months old and starts eating solids, the lactation clinic will help me decrease and ultimately stop lactation.

I am happy with how this journey has turned out, despite the struggle at the beginning. I have had phenomenal support from my midwives, the lactation clinic, and especially my husband. Regardless, I am definitely looking forward to the day when I can wear my binder again.

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When Your Name or Pronouns Fluctuate

Many people that have a fluid gender identity use different names and/or pronouns at different times. Figuring out how to make this work for you can be a challenge, and then following through and making it happen is even harder.

I’m still learning how to do this but I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far.

KNOW YOURSELF

The first step to knowing what pronouns or name you prefer at a given time or in a given context is to figure out how your gender fluctuates. I did this by tracking my gender daily on a scale of 5 female to 0 neutral to 5 male for the span of a month and a half. You can make up whatever scale works for you.

I also made note of my other activities, habits, emotional state, and menstrual cycle. Correlating the shifts in my gender with these other factors gave me a much better sense of what influenced my gender and how the shifts in my gender influenced my mood and behaviour.

Tracking my gender daily forced me to check in with myself. I learned what to pay attention to within myself to indicate where my gender was sitting and what strategies would be useful to minimize dysphoria and maximize euphoria. This is a hugely important skill for anyone who’s gender fluctuates. Even now, a couple years after the gender tracking that I did, I am much more in tune with where my gender is sitting, when dysphoria is affecting me, and what I can do about it.

Once you know how much your gender fluctuates and what influences it, you can have a better idea of when you’d be more comfortable with one name or pronoun over another. This still takes real world testing to be sure. So finding an online community who will refer to you however you wish on a given day (or a platform that allows you to change your username at each log in) or an in person group of at least two friends who will help you trial names and pronouns.

Now you know how your gender fluctuates and what name and pronoun you want people to use with each state of your gender. Next you have to decide how to find a balance between the different states of your gender and how to go about asking other to refer to you.

STRUCTURED APPROACH

My gender doesn’t fluctuate a whole lot and usually sits close to an equal balance between my male and female components. So I’m almost always most comfortable with they/them pronouns. But in my case, I don’t have a single name that is gender neutral, I have one name for my female side and a different name for my male side.

My job is such that it doesn’t feel feasible to have people refer to me by anything other than my female name and she/her pronouns. So in order to find an overall balance, I decided to use my male name and they/them pronouns almost exclusively in queer spaces.

Maybe you have a supportive work environment but you’re not out to your family yet. You may chose to use your ‘trans’ identity at work because you are always referred to by the name and pronouns you were assigned at birth when you’re at home.

Whatever the case, if there is one area of your life where you feel restricted in your ability to come out or advocate for yourself, this approach may be the best option to still allow you a sense of balance and a chance to experience all aspects of your identity.

GO WITH THE FLOW APPROACH

For some people, their gender fluctuates too often or on too wide a spectrum for the structured approach to feel comfortable. So the other option, if your life circumstances allow, is to go with the flow. This means that however you feel at a given moment, you indicate or request to be referred to by the corresponding name and pronouns.

This approach give you a lot more flexibility and perhaps a stronger sense of authenticity but it requires more clear signaling and more frequent self-advocacy.

GLOBAL APPROACH

Another option is to find a middle ground of where the different components of your gender overlap and use that as your default with the option to request a different name or pronoun if needed.

Or perhaps your gender is in one state the majority of the time and only occasionally fluctuates to a different state. You could use the most common state as your default and only specify when it differs.

Or, like me, perhaps you have a way to refer to yourself that encompasses your entire identity. I am 100% of the time comfortable with they/them pronouns and prefer to be referred to by both my names as though they are hyphenated. I can still specify differently if I need to but this gives me a lot of safety and authenticity.

Whichever system works for you, or if you come up with a completely different one, you will need a way to indicate or express to others how you wish to be referred to.

SIGNALING

One way to indicate to others which name and pronoun to use is via non-verbal indicators or signals. This can be anything from clothing to jewelry to behaviours to pins or name tags.

If you feel most comfortable presenting in a distinct way with each different state of your gender, you can use your general presentation to indicate to others how they should refer to you. This will still take a bit of explanation initially and maybe a few reminders but, in general, would be pretty straighforward.

If you present fairly similarly regardless of your gender or your presentation doesn’t relate to your gender in that way at all, you can use other means to signal your gender. I have a necklace that has Meaghan on one side and Ray on the other. Most of the time I wear it inside my shirt but if I’m in an environment where it is safe to do so, I will wear it outside my shirt with the Ray side facing out as a reminder to others of how to refer to me. You can do something similar with a bracelet, name tag, pronoun or name pin, or more subtle means such as a certain piece of jewelry indicating a certain name/pronoun combo.

Keep in mind that the more subtle the signal is, the more explanation and reminders it will take for people around you to pick up on it and get it right. But if you’re in a potentially unsafe environment, subtle might be necessary for safety.

ADVOCATING

No matter what signals (if any) you choose to use, you will always have to have some sort of conversation with those around you to explain that your gender fluctuates and you wish to be referred to by a different name and/or pronoun depending on the situation or the day and how they will know which one to use. This initial coming out conversation is difficult for any trans person but especially for those with a fluid gender that doesn’t fit binary notions of gender. See Related Posts at the bottom of the page for ideas on how to have this conversation.

As with any trans person, you will also have to correct people when they get your name and/or pronouns wrong. When your gender fluctuates and the name/pronoun you use changes, it takes even longer for those around you to get used to it and inevitably causes even more slip-ups. So decide how often you want to correct people and how best to do it. This will likely depend on your relationship with that person and the context you’re in at the time.

One good practice to get into the habit of is introducing yourself using your name and pronouns every time you meet someone. Not just someone new, even people who know you and already understand your gender. Something like ‘Hi [friend], I’m Ray and using they/them pronouns today’ works well.

Also let the friends and family you interact with regularly and who you’re out to that if you forget to inform them of your name and pronoun at the beginning of an interaction, it is helpful for them to ask about it or cue you to indicate if it isn’t clear from your signaling. How they ask is up to you and again, will likely depend on your relationship with them and the context.

Sometimes, all it takes is having one ally in the room who you have informed ahead of time what name and pronoun to use. Their role is to find an opportunity to refer to you using that name and pronoun within the first minute of you arriving and as often as necessary throughout the event.

IMPORTANCE OF GLOBAL IDENTITY

When you have a fluid gender identity with multiple components it can be easy to get caught up in the parts and forget about the whole. For me, it important to take a step back to make sure I am achieving an overall balance that works for me, even if I can’t get people to refer to me the way I’d prefer in every situation.

The goal of all this work and advocacy is to be able to experience and be comfortable with all parts or aspects of your gender. To get to express yourself in the most authentic way no matter what your gender is. So try not to get caught up too much in the details of every interaction and instead aim for an overall more authentic and gender-filled existence.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of how to navigate the world when your gender and therefore name and/or pronouns fluctuate. Comment with your own experiences, send me an email, or reach out on social media. You can find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters.

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How to Ask About Someone’s Gender

We always say that if you don’t know someone’s gender or pronouns, just ask. But how do you do that in a respectful way? As a stranger, we can use they/them pronouns and avoid gendered language for everyone we meet until they specify. But what if this is a new colleague or a friend of a friend? Or what if your partner or child just told you they are questioning their gender?

The closer you are to someone, the more impact your questions are going to have. You can ask questions to find out the basic information such as how they identify and what pronouns and name to use. Or you can ask deeper questions to get a better understanding of what their identity means to them, how they picture themself, and what their experience of gender is day to day. These deeper questions can help you form a more accurate mental image of the person as they see themself so that you are more likely to gender them correctly. They can also help the other person sort out some of their confusion around their gender (if need be).

THE BASICS

When asking questions about gender (or any other sensitive topic), I follow the principle of not asking any question I wouldn’t also be willing to answer. I also use the caveat that they never have to answer a question I ask, though I do appreciate knowing why they don’t want to answer so I avoid asking other questions that they don’t want to answer.

If you are ever uncomfortable about asking something, it’s a good bet the other person will have some discomfort in answering as well. Be honest about your discomfort but don’t let that stop you. Be aware of your surroundings and choose a place where both of you feel the most safe (likely a private space).

If you’re not sure how to phrase a question or what language to use, be honest about that too. Try to avoid saying ‘I don’t mean any disrespect, but…’. Instead, use a phrase like ‘I’m not sure how to word this question. Is it okay if I ask it anyway and you can tell me how I’m supposed to say it?’ Usually, there is a reason why a certain question is inappropriate. Either the word you chose is seen as offensive, how you used it was incorrect, or the subject matter isn’t appropriate to ask about. It is helpful if you can find out why the question was wrong so you avoid making the same mistake with other questions or in other circumstances.

Asking about basic information such as gender identity, pronouns, or name is pretty straightforward. Offer yours first, then ask. ‘Hi, I’m Wendy. I’m a cis woman and I use she/her pronouns. How do you identify and what pronouns do you use?’ Keep in mind that knowing how someone identifies isn’t usually necessary. Pronouns and name are enough to interact with them respectfully.

Always question yourself about why you want to know the information and what purpose it will serve for you. If you’re just curious, generally you should refrain from asking unless you have a close relationship with that person and you’re in a private space. But, if you feel that you do need to know more information, you’re going to need to know what questions to ask.

DEEPER QUESTIONS

As I said above, you can ask these more intense, specific, personal, and invasive questions to learn more about someone’s gender for your own understanding or to help them figure out their own gender. I have grouped these questions into categories to make it easier to follow. These are just examples – feel free to pick and choose from each list as needed rather than using every question. This list is by no means exhaustive.

Gender Identity

  • How do you identify with regards to gender at the moment?
  • Has your gender identity changed over time?
  • What labels do you use for your gender and how do you define them?
  • Does your gender always feel the same or does it fluctuate?
  • Does your gender influence your sexual orientation in any way?
  • Are you comfortable with your gender identity or is it a source of frustration?
  • Are you confident in your gender identity or do you still have some confusion?

Language

  • What pronouns feel best for you?
  • Do you always prefer those pronouns?
  • What name do you want me to use?
  • What other language feels best for you (guys, ladies, girl, ma’am, sir, bro, dude, etc)?
  • What familial terms feel best for you (sister/brother/sibling, son/daughter/child/offspring etc)?
  • Is there any way I can help you test out various names/pronouns/language?

Body Dysphoria and Euphoria

  • Are there parts of your body that feel wrong or bring discomfort?
  • Are there parts of your body that feel good?
  • How do you picture your body should look?
  • Do you do anything to make your body feel more authentic for yourself?
  • Do you do anything to modify how your body appears to others?
  • Are there specific ways you would like me to refer to or interact with certain parts of your body?
  • Is there any way I can help you test out various presentations?

Medical Transition

  • Are you planning to/have you already started hormones?
  • How do you feel about the idea of/changes from taking hormones?
  • Are there any challenges you are facing with accessing hormones?
  • Are you planning to/have you already have any gender affirming procedures/surgeries?
  • How do you feel about the idea of/changes from [procedure/surgery]?
  • Are there any challenges you are facing with getting [procedure/surgery] done?
  • Have you ever encountered transphobia in a medical setting?
  • Is there anything I can do to support you with accessing basic or trans-specific medical care?

Legal Transition

  • Are you planning to/have you already changed your legal name?
  • Are you planning to/have you already changed your gender marker?
  • What documents have you changed so far?
  • What institutions have you informed of this change?
  • What documents/institutions do you still need to change/inform?
  • Is there any way I can help you with making these changes or support you during this process?
  • If we are in a situation where I need to disclose your legal name/gender, what would you like me to say? (hospital, banking, insurance, police, etc)

Practical Concerns

  • Who are you out to?
  • How would you like me to refer to you around people you are out to?
  • How would you like me to refer to you around people you are not out to but who know you and who you also interact with?
  • How would you like me to refer to you around people you are not out to but who you have no interaction with?
  • Have you encountered any transphobia?
  • Is there anything I can do to provide support?
  • Is there anything I have been doing or saying that is uncomfortable? What would you like me to do/say instead?

I hope this list of suggested questions helps guide your discussions of gender with anyone you interact with. Remember to think about how you would answer these questions before asking them of someone else. These questions are designed to guide a discussion that would be a follow up to the basic learning I talked about in How to Be a Trans Ally so don’t forget to start there.

Let me know how your discussions about gender are going! Or, let me know if you have other questions that you have found helpful in your discussions and I will add them to the list above. Leave a comment on this post or send me an email! Looking forward to hearing from you.

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How to be a Trans Ally

ALLYSHIP 101

Being an ally for any minority takes more than being accepting of a friend or acquaintance from that identity. Not being a biggot is not the same thing as being an ally. Being an ally isn’t a perspective, a state of mind, or even a level of understanding. It requires ongoing action that at first can be a challenge but eventually becomes automatic.

As someone who is part of a majority group, it is not for you to say that you are an ally. If you take actions that show to members of the minority group that you are safe to be around, understanding, supportive, affirming, and uplifting, they will label you as an ally.

Being an ally takes work, requires an open mind, and most of all, a willingness to feel uncomfortable. At some point, someone from a minority group will tell you that what you’re doing isn’t helping or may actually be causing more harm than good. Being an ally means listening to this perspective, asking questions to understand it further and what you can do differently, then acting on what you’ve learned.

Being an ally for one minority does not mean you are an ally for all minorities or even all the identities encompassed by that minority. Being an ally at one time does not guarantee you are an ally forever or in all circumstances.

But don’t let this discourage you! We need more allies!! Below are a number of ideas for what it means to be an ally to trans people. Please leave a comment below or get in touch with me if you have questions or other things to add to this list!

PRONOUNS

Put your pronouns in your email signature, your social media profiles, your video chat name, and on name tags. As a cis person, you likely have never had your pronouns questioned, never felt uncomfortable with the pronoun people assume you use, and never had to justify your use of that pronoun. Trans people have to do this every day or deal with the discomfort of being misgendered. So please, normalize the expression of pronouns by including yours.

Along the same lines, when you are introducing yourself to someone (anyone, not just someone you guess or know to be trans), introduce yourself with your pronouns. “Hi, my name is _____ and I use ______ pronouns.” You may get some funny looks or confusion from cis people who are not trans aware and you may feel awkward the first few times but just like anything else, it gets easier with practice. If you give up the first time it is uncomfortable, you really aren’t understanding how uncomfortable, scary, and often painful it is for trans people to be in a similar situation. And they don’t have the choice to just walk away, pretend it doesn’t exist, or avoid the discomfort.

Learn how to use a variety of pronouns. No, she/her and he/him are not the only singular pronouns out there. They/them is fairly common. There are also neopronouns such as per, xir or zir, and aer. Learn how these pronouns sound, how to use them in a sentence, how to switch between different pronouns, how to use pronouns that seem counter to your perception of someone’s gender, and how to avoid using pronouns altogether. Often, in English anyway, it is easy enough to rearrange a sentence to remove pronouns or substitute the person’s name.

KNOWLEDGE

Understand what it means to be trans. Understand the difference between sex, gender, sexual orientation, and gender presentation. Learn about some of the various identities that fall under the trans umbrella. Learn about the different steps someone might take to transition. You don’t need to know all the ins and outs of all the medical procedures or medication options (unless you are a healthcare worker and this is relevant to your field) but a general understanding is required.

Understand some of the challenges faced by the trans community in your area. This may be systemic barriers such as access to medications and medical procedures, cost of changing ID, wait times for medical procedures and documentation changes, lack of inclusive forms at medical clinics, banks, and workplaces, and difficulty accessing employment and housing. Or it could be interpersonal barriers due to transphobia that increase the risk of physical and emotional harm. Or personal challenges such as dysphoria, lack of social support, or struggles with mental health or addictions.

Some of this knowledge can be gained through online resources (such as this blog) but you will also have to engage with your local trans support networks and advocacy organizations. You may be tempted to simply ask your trans friend a slew of questions to learn about all these things. DO NOT do this. Trans people have to educate almost everyone they come in contact with. As an ally, you do not want to be another one of those people. If you have looked up everything you can online and joined the mail lists of your local organizations to learn more and still have some specific or personal questions to clarify a couple things, ask your friend if it’s okay with them if you ask them and when a good time would be. They are not obligated to answer. If you see this refusal as a lack of their friendship you really don’t understand what it means to be trans.

CHECK YOUR ASSUMPTIONS

Avoid making assumptions about someone’s gender based on their sex, presentation, physical characteristics, or mannerisms. Keep your language neutral by referring to everyone using they/them pronouns and neutral language until they have disclosed their gender to you. Yes, everyone. Not just people who fall outside the ‘norm’ of gender presentation or someone you think might be trans. You can’t tell someone’s gender from the outside. Being an ally means creating a safe place for trans people that you haven’t met yet. The only way to do that is to consider that anyone could be trans and act accordingly.

Once you learn someone’s gender, don’t make an assumption about what pronouns they use, what steps they have taken or plan to take in terms of transitioning, or what their experiences are with dysphoria. Every trans person’s identity, journey, and experience is different. You don’t have to understand all the different possible experiences to be an ally but you do have to keep an open mind and understand that there is no one way to be trans.

KNOW HOW TO ASK QUESTIONS

You may not be able to learn everything you want to without asking a trans person some questions. And if you’re not supposed to make assumptions about anyone’s gender, you may have to ask someone questions to learn more about their experiences. Knowing what questions to ask, how to ask them, and when/where it is appropriate to ask them is part of being an ally. This, too, takes practice.

The knowledge you have gained about terminology will help you with appropriate wording. Knowing what challenges trans people face will help you be aware of the context and choose an appropriate time and place. Beyond that, honesty is the best policy. If you’re not sure if the question is appropriate, or you’re not sure how to word it, make sure you’re in a safe and private environment before asking and then be honest about your lack of knowledge. Ask for feedback and be open to it when it’s given, solicited or not.

Keep in mind that just because one trans person was comfortable answering a particular question does not mean every trans person will be. Some people are open, some people are private. This is true for trans people as well.

ADVOCATE AND AUGMENT!

As an ally, your main roles are to set a good example for other cis people and to create a safe environment for trans people. This means correcting yourself when you make a mistake with pronouns or other gender references and correcting those around you if they misgender someone (regardless of whether the person is present or not). If you’re not sure whether the trans person wants you to correct other people on their behalf, ask them!

If someone asks you to speak about trans experiences and issues or asks you to review a policy or resource to ensure it is trans inclusive, defer to a trans person, especially if it is a paying opportunity. It is not your job to speak for trans people but to give trans people the support, space, and opportunity they need to speak for themselves. You can also share social media posts from trans accounts and spread news stories that talk about trans people in positive ways.

On a smaller scale, you can offer to be a buddy for a trans person in your life, especially if they have limited social supports. Whether it’s going to the public washroom with them for safety, going with them to medical appointments or registry offices for document changes, or being a caregiver after surgery, there are lots of ways you can help support a trans friend when other people who aren’t allies wouldn’t realize they would need extra support or when the trans person wouldn’t feel comfortable asking for support from non-allies.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of how to be a trans ally. If you are a trans person, feel free to share this with people in your life. We need more allies! Please leave a comment below if you have any questions or if you have suggestions for other ways to be a good ally.

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How Being Trans Prepared Us for Parenting a Newborn

On August 27, 2020, a new member of the family was born. Our little one has a full head of hair and is doing well, as are we. But parenting a newborn, especially your first child, is not easy. There are many fears, frustrations, and sleepless nights. Of course, there are also the successes, excitement, and pleasant surprises.

The first three months are said to be the hardest. The baby is the most dependent and only able to communicate via crying. Initially, they only go three hours between needing to eat which leads to very little time for anything beyond basic baby care – feed, change the diaper, rock them to sleep, then two hours later, repeat. Their digestive system is predominantly inactive when they are born and has a steep curve which causes lots of gas pains and therefore screaming. During these gassy periods there is almost nothing you can do as a parent to help beyond be a calming, reassuring presence.

Needless to say, the first three months, and most especially the first six weeks, are extremely difficult. I can’t imagine how single parents or those with minimal support network do it. Even with two of us, and support from our parents on both sides, it felt extremely challenging at times.

Now that we are at week 9, things have settled into a routine and life is more predictable. Looking back, a lot of the skills and strategies we used to help us through the first part of our little one’s life were honed throughout my husband’s transition. It feels like that experience, though it was a huge trial in itself, taught us how to navigate new parenthood. No, we didn’t learn how to feed a baby or change a diaper during his transition, but those more concrete things are easier to pick up. It’s the squishy stuff that is much more challenging.

As I mentioned above, having a new baby can be exhausting and frustrating. You don’t always know what to do or have the emotional reserve to repeat the same actions every three hours. The repetition is exhausting to the point that when you do have a free moment, you no longer have the energy to do any of the things you have be wishing you had the time to do. You are in a constant state of boredom, restlessness, and exhaustion all while feeling like you’re supposed to be enjoying every moment.

Transition is also exhausting and frustrating. You have to repeat your personal story and defend yourself to acquaintances, service providers, friends, and family multiple times a day. You feel worn down but still have to deal with the next interaction that comes along. There are systemic barriers and long wait times that are overwhelmingly frustrating. And the whole time, you just want to be happy and excited that you are slowly becoming the person you want to be.

Learning how to deal with this long, slow burn type of frustration and function despite emotional exhaustion prepared us for new parenthood. The strategy we use is to recognize the emotion of frustration for what it is – a reaction to a situation that you feel you have no control over – and find ways to regain control either within that situation or by completing other tasks.

Another part of the strategy is to focus on the little things that are positive, small signs of progress, and keep the long term picture in mind. With a little baby who can only communicate by crying and who has minimal vision and no control over their limbs, it can be exhausting to sink all your positive emotions into this being and receive only fussing and crying in return. Sure, there are also the times when they are sleeping like an angel and are so sweet you just want to cuddle them and squish them but you don’t dare touch them for fear of waking them. But at the beginning, it can feel like the frustration outweighs the positive feedback. So any sign of development, that they will eventually grow out of this stage, is cause for celebration.

My husband’s transition taught us something similar. Transition is a long, slow process and at times can feel like despite all the fighting, frustration, and effort, you haven’t made any progress. But then you look at your pre-transition photos or compare a voice recording and you realize you have made progress. Keeping up with his transition as his partner required me to recognize and celebrate the little things with him – each crack of his voice as it dropped, each new whisker in his beard, each piece of ID that came back with his correct name and gender marker. We learned how important it was to pay attention to and celebrate the little things and applied the same strategy with our newborn.

Through both gender transition and new parenthood, being aware of your own mental health and being able to communicate how you’re doing with your support network (be it your partner, parent, or medical professional) is extremely important. Through his transition we each learned how to track our own emotional state, how to recognize the signs of depression, burnout, fatigue, or distress in each other, and how to express our own needs as well as raise the issue if we had a concern about the other person.

During his transition, this tracking of our mental and emotional states was up to us. There was no professional checking in, no tracking app with mental health questionnaires and resource articles, and minimal community going through something similar. Since becoming parents, we have had way more support in this area, though we found that both of us have been doing quite well. And when we have a bad day, or a few days of minimal sleep in a row which puts us in a state of burnout, we recognize it quickly and work together to figure out how to regain our positive, stable outlook and look for ways to avoid the same thing in the future.

My husbands transition and my experience supporting him through it didn’t teach us how to be parents. But it did give us the mental health and relationship skills to weather a stressful, exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming time and turn it into something amazing, fulfilling, enjoyable, and a means of strengthening our bond.

Maybe you haven’t been through a gender transition yourself, or with someone you are close to. But maybe you have been through other trying experiences. If you can look back on those experiences and see what skills you developed or what your learned about yourself that helped you through, maybe you’ll be better prepared for whatever life throws at you. Or maybe you or someone you love is going through a gender transition now. If you are a parent and can remember back to the first six weeks of your child’s life, the skills you developed to get through those six weeks will serve you well over the next 3+ years of navigating transition.

If you are trans and have been told that this means you will never be a good parent, I would argue that the opposite is true. We have felt like, by being trans and navigating transition together, we have superpowers that have already served us well on this new, crazy, and exciting chapter of our lives.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E8: Nonbinary Pregnancy and Parenting

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person including navigating the incredibly gendered world of fertility and pregnancy, the physical experience of being pregnant, and my thoughts as I look ahead to parenting.

FERTILITY AND TRYING TO CONCEIVE

Over the course of four years, my husband and I tried as many methods of getting pregnant as we could access. This included home insemination, known donor, IUI, and eventually IVF. I have heard many stories from folks who have gotten pregnant after only a couple tries of these earlier methods but, for no discernible medical reason, this was not the case for us. 

The IUI (intrauterine insemination) trials were done at a fertility clinic. Their language was generally inclusive of gay couples (referring to the partner as ‘partner’ instead of husband) but all the references to patient were female. We also ran into a few situations where, once my partner was identified as a man, people were confused as to why we were using donor sperm. Most notably, the psychologist we had to see to get the go-ahead to use donor sperm (which seemed strange to begin with) wanted to talk about if there was any guilt or shame on my husband’s part about not being able to provide viable sperm and when he stated he was trans she became very interested and curious, wanting to ask a bunch of irrelevant questions about his transness, and nearly derailed the appointment multiple times. You can bet I provided feedback about that encounter. 

The fertility clinic itself also did not have a gender neutral bathroom option and I had to empty my bladder immediately before each procedure. So that was fun. I did end up finding a single use bathroom in one of the medical areas during the IVF but it required a staff member to use a swipe card to get there so not actually for public use. 

I never came out to the fertility clinic, doctor, or nurses as nonbinary. With all the emotional ups and downs of trying to conceive, I didn’t have enough energy to educate or correct any misgendering that would happen afterwards. It was easier to let them assume I was female and deal with the dysphoria as best I could. 

Honestly, I didn’t find the IUI attempts to be that difficult. The procedures were fast with just me and Jake and a nurse in the suite, no high tech stuff. And it was only one procedure every two months. We decided early on that we needed to take a month off between trials to reset and breathe emotionally. Otherwise we would be required to order the next round of donor sperm before finding out if the previous trial had worked which felt a bit like having bad karma by assuming it wouldn’t. 

The IVF process was much more invasive and dysphoria inducing at times. They had to do an internal ultrasound as a baseline, after one week, and then every other day or every day thereafter for about five more visits before the actual procedure was scheduled. The ultrasound wand is much bigger than an insemination catheter and they had to move it around and dig it in to get good images of both ovaries. If my gender happened to be more female aligned on that day, this was mostly just physically uncomfortable. But there were a couple times when my gender was particularly male aligned and let me tell you, the dysphoria during the procedures on those days was a hell of a lot more uncomfortable than the physical part. I think I death gripped my husband’s hand to keep from crying at one point. Oh, and did I mention that these all had to take place first thing in the morning before I went to work? Where I’m also not out to most people and have a decent amount of dysphoria? Those were not good days. But hey, at the time of this recording I am 37 weeks pregnant and by the time this airs we will hopefully have been parents for a couple months so as far as I’m concerned, it was all worth it. 

PREGNANCY, MISCARRIAGE, AND GENDER

Being pregnant comes with its own slew of gendery things. One of those IUI attempts actually did work though it turned out that the egg that was inseminated was empty. I didn’t know this was something that could happen but apparently it’s very common. Usually these types of pregnancies end in miscarriage before the person even knows they’re pregnant. But my body was so ready to be pregnant it did a really good job of implantation and building a gestational sac despite the fact that nothing was growing inside it. So I experienced all the symptoms of early pregnancy until 10 weeks. 

During this first pregnancy, my gender shifted early on to the far end of my female range (which is still only about halfway from neutral) and stayed there. At first I was grateful. I had so much less dysphoria, both social and physical, and without the gender shifts I didn’t have to pay attention to my gender as much or worry about dysphoria taking me by surprise. But after a few weeks I started to feel like a part of myself, that I had only recently gotten to know, was missing. The male half of me that I knew was still there felt like a ghost, something I couldn’t quite touch, feel, or embody. The times I was interacting with queer friends who knew me as Ray felt dysphoric in a way they hadn’t before. I didn’t feel like Ray at all. It was very strange and disconcerting. 

After the miscarriage I was worried that my gender would suddenly shift to the male side and I would be swamped with dysphoria. But the hormonal confusion that I went through either masked that or overrode it completely. By the time my hormones stabilized and I felt more like myself, my gender was back to normal, feeling mostly neutral with a gentle fluctuation to either side. Still, it took some conscious work to re-learn how to use my dysphoria management strategies that I had developed before this weird female pregnancy experience. 

PREGNANCY (AGAIN)

Then I got pregnant again, after the IVF procedure. I was expecting a similar experience and had tried to think of strategies I could use to help with that ghostly feeling of losing contact with my male side for nine months. But as it turned out, my gender has stayed pretty consistently neutral. If anything, the only change is that it fluctuates less, if at all. 

This means that I have experienced dysphoria with this pregnancy. In the first trimester, before many people knew I was pregnant, it was mostly chest dysphoria as my breasts increased by multiple cup sizes. My chest was too sore to be able to wear a binder right from the beginning. I did use tape a couple times but even that was uncomfortable.

In the second trimester, the breast growth slowed down but my binder no longer fit. Once we announced the pregnancy I was slammed with social dysphoria as everyone started using more female language for me and asking about the gender of the baby. I continued to struggle with chest dysphoria until my belly started to grow. As my belly got bigger, my chest looked and felt smaller and smaller in comparison. In the third trimester, my belly was big enough that most regular t-shirts created a tenting effect that nearly completely hid my chest. I’m sure it looks funny to other people but it feels great to me. 

Throughout the pregnancy process I have been trying to consume as much information as I can about pregnancy, birth, and baby care though apps, websites, books, podcasts, and medical care providers. The majority of this information is female centric. The pregnant person is always referred to as mom or mom-to-be, is always assumed to be a woman, and dysphoria is never mentioned as one of the potential symptoms of being pregnant. 

We were lucky enough to find a midwife team in our area that is LGBT inclusive who we were upfront with about both my husband being trans and me being nonbinary from the start. This was hugely helpful for me. I don’t have to brace myself to go to every pregnancy related appointment like I had to during the fertility/trying to conceive process. If you are trans or nonbinary and trying to get pregnant, I highly recommend finding a trans inclusive care provider if you can. If none exist in your area or you don’t have a choice of who you go to, I recommend finding a trans inclusive doula to add to your support team who will advocate on your behalf throughout the process. You will have enough to deal with without having to do all the advocacy and education related to your gender identity on your own. 

At some point mid-pregnancy, I had an aha moment based on something someone posted on one of the facebook groups I’m in. They explained how they had re–framed their pregnancy as a nonbinary experience in a nonbinary body because they identify as nonbinary. When it was put like that, it seemed so simple. Of course if I identify as nonbinary, my body is a nonbinary body, and anything it can do, including getting pregnant and growing a baby, is a nonbinary experience. This mantra has helped a lot on days when my social dysphoria is getting the better of me or when I am trying to consume information that is highly gendered. 

INCLUSIVE TERMINOLOGY MATTERS

I have been able to find some resources that are trans inclusive. The Birth Partner, 5th edition is the best one. I included links to trans doula practices that also provide inclusive resources in Related Posts and Resources at the end of the show notes. 

The prenatal classes we attended were advertised as being LGBT inclusive and did a good job of being LGB inclusive, referring to partners instead of husbands, but they didn’t have much awareness of the trans component. They didn’t introduce themselves with their pronouns, so naturally I didn’t either. They almost exclusively referred to the birthing person as a woman or mom using female language. And when they were talking about feeding the baby they only ever talked about breastfeeding and used that terminology.

Particularly during the class on feeding, I had so much dysphoria that I became claustrophobic and had to pace in order to be able to stay in the room to get the information I needed. One of the perks of being in a pandemic was that these classes were all run over Zoom so I was able to be off screen and still listen in. Otherwise I probably would have had to speak up or leave the class entirely. I also provided the instructors of this class feedback (a couple weeks later once my dysphoria had calmed down) which was well received. 

When I’m trying to absorb information that will likely be helpful in navigating pregnancy, birth, or postpartum and caring for the baby and the information is presented in a gendered way that triggers my dysphoria, it’s very hard to tell if I am dysphoric because I just happen to be feeling more male and have more dysphoria that day, if the language used in the resource is triggering dysphoria that otherwise wouldn’t be there, or if the situation I am learning about will be dysphoria inducing when I’m experiencing it and I should prepare for that. This is why inclusive language is so important. 

If I feel dysphoric when picturing myself in a situation as I read an inclusive resource, it seems much more likely that I might struggle with that experience when the time comes. Since that very uncomfortable prenatal class, I have re-read the section on chestfeeding in The Birth Partner and watched videos by trans doulas on chest and body feeding and the dysphoria I feel when picturing myself doing this has decreased significantly. After this episode airs I will write an update on my blog and let you know how it’s going in real life. 

After the experience with the prenatal class and comparing it to reading The Birth Partner, I wrote a blog post with a list of inclusive pregnancy, birthing, and feeding terminology. This includes using gestating or pregnant person instead of mom, birthing person instead of woman, and chest or body feeding in addition to breastfeeding.

NONBINARY PARENTING

Of course the pregnancy journey doesn’t just stop relating to gender after the baby is born. It turns into a parenting journey. As I am not quite yet a parent, I can only speak to what I have been wondering about and talking to others about in preparation for this next step. 

First of all, there’s what the baby will call me. There are lots of nonbinary parental terms that people use and lots of nonbinary parents that are comfortable with either mom or dad. I honestly don’t know where I will go with this yet. I feel ok with mom but less ok with mommy or momma. I’m considering the name Mur based on my initials M.R. Or there’s something different like Ren or Renny from paRENt, or Mapa which seems highly accurate to my experience but doesn’t have any particular emotional connection for me. I guess we’ll see what sticks once we test them out. 

Then there’s deciding whether to gender your child based on their assumed sex or whether to raise them as gender neutral until or unless they specify otherwise. We have decided to gender our child but raise them in a gender inclusive, gender expansive way. For me, fighting for our child to be recognized as nonbinary when it is likely that they will identify as cis is not worth the effort and would be extremely dysphoria inducing for myself. We will of course be open about our own identities with our child and ask them often about their identity and adjust our use of language as often as they wish. 

This brings up another point. If we are open about our identities with our child, that necessitates being open with anyone the child interacts with – family, medical systems, school systems, playgroups. My husband is fairly open about being trans so this won’t be a huge shift for him. But I have only just started coming out to co-workers and family so this will likely be a steep coming out curve for me. I guess that is a pretty solid way of shifting the ‘need’ factor up in the coming out equation I talked about in Episode 5. 

And lastly, I have heard from many nonbinary parents that the world of parenting is, if possible, even more forcibly gendered than the world of fertility and pregnancy. I’m sure that is something you learn to deal with as it happens. But it’s probably good to have low expectations in order to be prepared and maybe occasionally pleasantly surprised instead of constantly irritated and defensive. 

REACH OUT!

If you are struggling through the process of trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or a nonbinary parent and want to reach out, please email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes. 

As this season is airing, I will hopefully be at home with my husband and newborn baby, learning what it means to be a parent. If you subscribe to my blog, you will continue to get regular updates on our parenting journey and how it relates to gender as well as any other gender related thoughts and experiences such as updates on coming out as nonbinary or any medical or legal transition steps I take in the future. 

I hope you have found this podcast helpful. Please reach out by commenting below or emailing me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I’d love to hear your reactions, thoughts, experiences, and suggestions for future seasons.

Bye for now. 

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