When Jake and I got married, we both identified as women (this was pre gender exploration for both of us). We made some adjustments to the ceremony so it didn’t feel so heternonormative. Since then, I have participated in, and seen pictures and descriptions of, many different gay, queer, and gender non-conforming (GNC) weddings. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve collected:
- Switch Sides. If there is a more masculine presenting person and a more feminine presenting person, stand on the opposite side from the norm of man on the right and woman on the left (from the audience perspective).
- Who Enters First. Typically, the man starts the ceremony at the front or walks in first. So instead, have the more feminine person walk in first or have both of you walk in at the same time up parallel aisles instead of having one central aisle.
- Wear Whatever You Want! Don’t feel confined to one person wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit. Either person can wear whatever they want! Similarly, don’t confine your wedding party to a suit for the men and a dress for the women. Either allow them to choose or offer a midway option of a blouse and suit pants or a skirt with a shirt, vest, and tie.
- Mixed Wedding Parties. Don’t limit yourself to female assigned/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘bride’ and male assign/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘groom’. Pick the people that are most important in your life to stand with you regardless of gender or presentation. That’s why they’re there, isn’t it?
- Colours! Base your colour theme off a queer flag that has meaning to both of you. Include rainbows, or trans colours, or purple and green (as we did, kind of by accident). You can also use rainbows or meaningful colour combinations as highlights such as having a rainbow rose in the table centers.
- Include Your Community. Community is hugely important for queer people and often serves as a chosen family. Include your community in your special day with a ring warming, readings from different people either during the ceremony or at the reception, or a modified sand ceremony where everyone adds a pinch of sand on the way in and those jars are mixed together by the couple. There are so many options! You can pick one that someone else created or make your own!
- Location and Ceremony. If you and your partner are religious, you can absolutely have a queer wedding in your place of worship. But many queer people have had difficult experiences with organized religion and may feel uncomfortable within these spaces and with the religious basis of the ceremony. So consider choosing an outdoor location or a non-religious location that is meaningful to you. Likewise, there are some aspects of the ceremony that are required to be legally binding but some are optional. Definitely talk to your officiant about ways to make the ceremony personal and, of course, queer.
- Language. Weddings are full of heteronormative and binary language. Be open about what language each of you is comfortable with and make sure that your officiant and wedding parties are on board. Consider having a wedding website that includes an explanation of the terminology you will be using. This is also an easy way to specify pronouns and names of people in the wedding party or important family members.
- Identity Pins or Stickers. Have pronoun pins/stickers available for people to wear as a lapel pin if they wish. Weddings bring together family and friends, many of whom will never have met and may come from very different social backgrounds. This can be a way for the queer people participating in or attending the wedding to feel more comfortable.
That’s it for now! If you had a queer wedding or have attended a queer wedding, what strategies did you use? Leave them in the comments below and I will add them to the list!