Trans – Page 3 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Gender Vs Sex

No, this is not a ‘gender’ reveal post.

First of all, what I would be revealing is the sex of my baby, not the gender. We can find out the sex of our babies before they are born based on seeing their genitalia on an ultrasound or having a genetic test done that tells us their chromosomal makeup. Both of these are markers of sex, not gender.

The whole concept of finding out the sex ignores the existence of intersex conditions and identities. The idea that we automatically know the baby’s gender based on their sex markers ignores the existence of trans and non-binary identities. So every time someone asks me what the gender of my baby is, it feels like an erasure of mine and my husband’s identities, even if the person asking doesn’t realize it or mean it that way.

We can assume that the baby will be cisgender (that their gender will match their sex) which is statistically more likely than the baby being trans, but we will not know their gender for sure until they are old enough to express it to us.

This is what goes through my mind when people ask me “What are you having?” or “Are you finding out?” or “Do you know the gender?” So of course, there is a long pause while I decide whether I want to educate, be snarky, or bite my tongue and play along with the social routine.

Is it worth the energy and vulnerability to educate people on why this question feels inappropriate to me? Am I in a safe environment to out myself or my husband in order to illustrate the point? Can I educate them well enough, with enough impact, without outing either of us? The mental and emotional gymnastics to figure out whether to challenge them on their assumptions behind the question are exhausting on their own.

Most of the time I answer the “What are you having?” question with “A baby” or if I’m feeling snarky, “Well, I’m not having a puppy…” If they ask if we’re finding out the gender, I usually say “Yes, we already have but we’re not telling anyone” even though it hurts me a bit to reaffirm their ignorance instead of contradicting it. Occasionally I’ll reply “You mean the sex?” or “Well, we found out the sex but the kid will have to tell us their gender when they figure it out for themself.” If you’re in a similar situation, hopefully these variations of answers give you some options when you don’t have the energy or safety to educate.

We decided to find out the sex of the baby before birth so that we would have time to process what it would mean to counteract societal influences, stereotypes, and our own preconceptions in order to raise them in as gender-expansive a way as possible. We decided not to tell anyone else the sex of the baby because we don’t trust everyone else to do the same work without our direct influence so the longer we can force those around us to think of the child as gender neutral the better.

As I have talked about in a previous post (Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-Binary Person), we will be using the pronouns associated with their sex assigned at birth (or before birth in most cases nowadays). It would be too challenging for both of us to fight for neutral pronouns when the likelihood is that the child will be cis-gender. We will be giving our child every opportunity to explore and be exposed to all aspects of gender identity, presentation, and expression. We will be having open conversations about all aspects of gender and sex as they become relevant. We’ll see how this goes!

How do you respond to questions about finding out your child’s ‘gender’? Did you find out your child’s sex in advance of birth? Have you taken any specific steps to raise your child(ren) in a gender-expansive way? Please share in the comments! I’d love to hear your experiences.

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E8: Legal Transition

OVERVIEW

We start by talking about Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on top surgery because we didn’t have time in the previous episode. Then we talk about Jake’s process of changing his legal name and gender marker, Meaghan Ray’s role as his partner through that process, and Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on potentially changing their name and gender marker in the future.

This is the last episode in this series which has focused on the various stages of transition as we have experienced them so far. We will be taking a break and will return with a new series in the future.

SHOW NOTES

Meaghan Ray’s Thoughts on Top Surgery

Some NB people will get top surgery without testosterone, take testosterone but not have top surgery, or do both.
- I have a harder time relating to the NBs that do both because I am genderfluid and have a significant female component to my gender
I don’t feel the need to wear a binder all the time
- When I have top dysphoria it isn’t debilitating, just irritating
Having top surgery to have a flat chest doesn’t feel right for me at the moment but I would consider having a breast reduction
- Enough that I wouldn’t need to wear a bra if I didn’t want to and could get the appearance of a flat chest fairly easily but could also wear a bra to have the appearance of breasts
Got lots of good info from a talk at the Trans Philly Wellness Conference on top surgery
- To get a more NB look you can look at various factors separately to mix and match more female-typical and male-typical markers
  - Contour
  - Overhang
  - Nipple placement
  - Nipple size
  - Shape of scars
  - Placement of scars
- If you know what look you want with relation to all these things you just have to find a surgeon who knows how to do it!

Jake’s Legal Transition

Jake started to live ‘full time’ in May 2017 which is when he also started HRT
Saw gender psychiatrist in July
- Received generic form to certify that he is transitioning and said it would make sense to amend his sex on any ID
- Also can be used to explain why he might look male when his ID still says female
- This document counts as the ‘medical letter’ that was required to change provincial ID
  - No longer required!
Went into registries in August
- Found out he had to get fingerprinting done to get his legal name change and needed to apply for a legal name change before
Got fingerprints done
Applied for legal name change in August
- If he was born in Alberta, could have gotten birth certificate and marriage certificate done all at once but he wasn’t so the process was even more convoluted
- Received certificate in the mail in October
- Got a new driver’s license!
Had to apply for marriage certificate from Nova Scotia
- Took two tries for them to get it right
Tried to submit for a new SIN card which eventually was returned saying that he needed to change his birth certificate first
Hardest part was birth certificate
- New Brunswick hadn’t changed their laws yet – still required proof of ‘sex reassignment surgery’
- Need an updated birth certificate to get updated passport
Was stuck in limbo with a drivers license that didn’t match his passport and a passport that didn’t match how he presented
- Made it too unsafe for us to travel to the states and had to cancel a trip we had planned
Getting banking info was also convoluted and for some reason he still can’t order cheques without the wrong name coming up
His workplace wouldn’t update his name in their system until his SIN card had been changed (which required the birth certificate again)
Wrote a letter to an MLA in New Brunswick about how frustrated he was and how many problems this archaic law was causing (December 2017)
- Heard back at the beginning of February that it was already in the works
- They ended up emailing and calling him to tell him that the forms were up and how to apply
- Was very lucky in his timing because if he had started any earlier he still would have waited for this law to change and would have spent even more time stuck with mismatched documents and old work ID
- Finally got it back in March 2018
- Allowed him to update his passport and SIN card which he received in May 2018 – one year after coming out
In the meantime, he had found a way around the issues at work
- Concerns with payroll’s info not matching his banking info and a T4 being issued in the wrong name
- Got in contact with an HR Diversity and Equity person who had all his work stuff changed over in two months (done in December 2017)
  - As random things kept coming up he would contact her again and she would fix it super quick
  - Had been out since May and had lots of co-workers wondering why they couldn’t find him in the system to send him an email and he kept having to tell them to look under the old name
    - Very long 8 months
Found several resources for recently married people with lists of documents you need to get changed once you change your name
- Land title, mortgage documents, credit score, etc
- Super helpful but often ran into problems where the forms or procedure for changing the document did not include either change of first name or change of gender marker
- Felt like he had to tell his life story and out himself as trans in order to get the document changed (over and over)
Situations keep coming up
- Recent election – two voter cards showed up, one under each name, tried to get it changed, just caused confusion
- Now that he passes as male people are even more confused because they can’t compute that he ‘used to be a woman’
- Still can’t order cheques at the bank – has given up on that one after going in person and calling on the phone many times
- Had to contact the city because he was getting his old name coming up during a job application and in emails despite applying under his current name
  - Had a fast, positive response and got it fixed quickly
In general was he was burnt out and apprehensive from having to go back to the same places over and over, never knowing what response he would get, if he would get different info from the previous time
- He was super strategic about which locations he went to and at what time of day because he knew it would take a while and didn’t want there to be a long line of other people behind him listening to him explain his life story
No overt transphobic experiences (hurray for Canada!)

Partner Experience During Legal Transition

Provided support and encouragement
Gave permission for him to take some time away from working through the long list
Would have gone with him as a buddy to all the various offices if our schedules allowed
- Moral support
- Safety
For parents: call ahead to medical offices to ensure they have the proper name and pronouns in their system before your kid arrives
- Old information can keep popping up depending on when the last time was that you interacted with that particular medical office/hospital
Had to change Jake’s information on my benefits plan
- The form had a list of reasons that did not include transition so I had to write it in
- Did not have a space to indicate a change of gender marker
- Had to call them multiple times to correct it as they returned various iterations

Meaghan Ray’s Plans for Legal Transition

Could change provincial documents to ‘Meaghan Ray’ and X
- May do this some day but it’s a lot of work and not necessary for now
Could change national documents to ‘Meaghan Ray’ and X
- Would be more dangerous to travel internationally to places that don’t recognize that as a gender marker
Potential incentive was to get it changed before having a kid because we can’t change parent’s names on your kid’s birth certificate
- However, it’s only first and last names that appear on the birth certificate, no gender marker, and we can choose the parental labels that we use (mother, father, or parent for either or both of us)
So for now, the emotional cost of changing anything out-ways the benefit for me

This brings our series on transition to a close. We will be back sometime in the future with a new series and hopefully some guests! Stay tuned!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E7: Medical Transition: Top Surgery

OVERVIEW

In this episode we talk about Jake’s path to top surgery and his experiences of the procedure and the recovery process. We also discuss the role of the partner and Meaghan Ray’s experience during each stage of this process.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s Top Surgery Experience

Referral to gender psychiatrist September 2016
Saw gender psychiatrist July 2017
- Referral to top surgery – likely a two month wait
- No word, called back, finally heard from the surgeon two months later
Two surgeons in our area that rotate so one is taking consults then start working on the surgeries while the other one takes consults
- Trans people are at the bottom of the list in terms of priority
- A friend got in for a breast reduction after a year, Jake has been waiting two years and still hasn’t heard back from them
Initial consult was a fast twenty minute run through with minimal information
- Didn’t know what questions to ask yet
- Learned that he would likely end up with dog ears
- Revision to get rid of dog ears is not covered by provincial health care
- Liposuction to prevent dog ears was not covered or even discussed as an adjunct out of pocket
- Offered double-incision method only
- Left Jake feeling uncomfortable and frustrated
Started googling where else he could get surgery
- Found McClean Clinic in Toronto where they do ‘Mascuplasty’ to create appearance of a male chest instead of just double mastectomy
  - Includes liposuction and revision
- Called the clinic, filled out the application, and was put on the list for a phone consultation which happened 4 months later (8 months after original referral)
- Likely wait was listed as 3-6 months after consultation
Phone consult in March 2018
- Surgery is done under informed consent – don’t need a referral from psychologists or psychiatrists but instead have to pay out of pocket
- Similar vetting process to the gender psychiatrist – what are your expectations for surgery, why do you feel you need this surgery, describe your dysphoria…
- Feel like you have to explain how you feel in stereotypical ways in order to ‘qualify’ and get access to the medical treatment you need
Offered a date 6 weeks later!
- Took a day to consider if this was what he wanted
- Much less time to logistically and emotionally prepare
  - Good support from community, even people who had personal experience with the McClean Clinic who all had great experiences
  - One friend showed his results and provided a list that he had made of tips and tricks after his surgery
  - Did lots of research on facebook groups for trans guys and breast cancer survivors
Trip to Toronto for surgery!
- Willing to pay for better results and less wait time
- Able to stay with family
- Second guessing at the last minute
  - Not a ton of physical dysphoria but lots of social dysphoria that was severely anxiety inducing especially in public washrooms
In-person consult the day before
- Surgeon was 2 hrs late
- Jake burned through all his anxiety during the long wait
- Brief but thorough description of the surgery plan, results, and follow up
Day of surgery
- Measurements and markings based on ratios
- Awkward but done in a medical way
- IV started
- Went into surgery and came out crying for no reason
- Very sore across the chest
  - Wearing a compression band over the bandages
- Got up to the bathroom and was dropped off with no supervision, felt very panicky, light-headed and gross
- Was rescued by a nurse who then asked about any history of anxiety
  - Maybe they should ask about this before surgery?
- Eventually met up with MR and was escorted out to the back door in a wheelchair
  - Lots of difficulty finding the car, figuring out where they wanted him to be picked up, etc

Partner Experience of Top Surgery

Included in all the pre-op appointments
- Helping remember information and nice to know what was going on
Day of surgery
- Stayed for pre-op measurements etc
- Kicked out when he went in for surgery
  - Told it would take about 2 hrs and they would phone when he was done
- No word after 2 hrs so I checked in with the desk and was shooed away with no actual updated estimate
- Waited another 45-60 mins with no word so I checked back in
  - They went to check with the nurses and this time gave me a spot to sit around the corner
    - Had all our winter gear and personal belongings and my entertainment to keep me occupied during the surgery piled around me
  - Eventually came back and told me he was just crying a bit and I could go back in a few minutes when he was feeling better
  - Would NOT let me go back to help him calm down/recover
    - Tried really hard not to get in the way but also mentioned that I am familiar with medical things and could probably help him
- Eventually got to see him once he was back in the pre-op room (after the whole anxious bathroom experience)
  - Very pale, shaky, sweaty, nauseous and in pain
  - Got a wet cloth for his neck
  - Helped him eat crackers
Generally poor communication with me
Fiasco with getting him to the car was very frustrating
Drove home very carefully
- He was already in lots of pain and getting very nauseous
- Had to pull over a couple times to make sure he was doing ok
Got home, got him settled and took it easy for a few days

Jake’s Top Surgery Recovery

Returned to the clinic the next day to ensure everything was going ok
- 15 minute appointment with lots of driving to get there and back
First few days were mostly sleeping, resting, watching movies, sleeping propped up
Became very itchy from the pain meds
Pain from the compression vest under his armpits where they had done liposuction
- Sensation in areas of liposuction came back very quickly with lots of bruising
- Tucked some towels over the edge to make it feel less sharp
- Moved the vest down a bit and loosened it a bit
Went back for a follow up after 7 days where they took off all the bandages
- Could already tell his chest was flatter but with no bandages or vest it felt very flat
- Subdued reaction due to pain meds and that it matched his expectation so it didn’t feel surprising
- Partner reaction was much stronger
  - Had spent so many months picturing him with a flat chest because that’s how he pictured himself that his chest area had blurred out and had become uncomfortable to really pay attention to
  - With the bandages off it was the first time that I could comfortably look at that part of him and have it look right
  - Also knew how awesome he would feel about it once his head was clear of the meds and he was feeling better
  - Took some pictures and video including the side view which was the greatest
Flew back to Alberta
Took an extra week off work in order to recover enough stamina
Was supposed to keep the compression vest on for 4 weeks but ended up taking it off after 3 because it was so uncomfortable to wear under work shirts
Kept nipple covers on to keep nipples moist
- Nipples scabbed as they healed (normal)
  - Looked like two black nipples and felt like something was wrong (also very common)
- Scabs started coming off and the nipple was so light that it looked like it wasn’t there but everything was fine
Sensation returned slowly
- Lots of areas across the top of his chest that started to itch as sensation came back
- Then down into armpit and across towards the nipples
- Played games where we would test where his sensation had gotten to
- Nipple sensation has returned part way, somewhat hypersensitive
- One spot in the left incision where a nerve ending was exposed and caused serious stabbing pain each time it was touched
Traumatized by liposuction video
- Makes sense why those areas were so numb
Scar care
- Bio-oil
- Scar massage
- Really careful to not raise his arms
  - Found other ways to exercise by modifying activities to deal with the feeling of being cooped up
Mostly frustrated with the irritating symptoms as the sensation returned and changed constantly
- Had to use numbing gel at times

Partner Experience During Recovery

Listen to what they are experiencing
Look up extra info such as scar care and desensitization strategies if needed
- Your person is so irritated by those sensations and burntout from the whole experience
Had fun figuring out where the sensation had returned to
Helping out others in the community since

Looking Back On It

If you’re considering private options, take the time to look around, including international options
- Worth pricing them out regardless of distance
- Consider amount of post-op support from family/friends
- Consider whether you will get the results you want and what medical follow up is offered
Most people have had positive experiences with McClean Clinic
- Jake found a big difference between the high quality customer service at a distance vs less awesome experience in person

Next time: Legal Transition

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E6: Medical Transition: HRT

OVERVIEW

The changes with HRT are some of the most positive and euphoric aspects of transition. We talk about Jake’s experience with Testosterone and going through his second puberty. He talks about all the different physical changes and the emotional changes as well. We also discuss what it was like as his partner adapting to those changes.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s Experience Taking Testosterone

Typical trans narrative is based on changes with HRT
- External, obvious changes
- Most socially acceptable aspect of transition to ask about
- Lots of YouTube videos and picture timelines
  - Can be fascinating to show what the body does on HRT but also gives you an idea what to expect (though everyone is different)
So much variability
- Will loosely end up similar to cis men that you are related to
- Also depends on age, dosage, etc

Accessing Hormones

Referral from psychologist to gender psychiatrist
Previously required psychiatrist referral to endocrinology but very recently could get a referral from family doctor (most family docs were not aware or comfortable doing this)
Wanted to start HRT right away but had to wait to see gender psychiatrist
- Came out to family doc who then refused to refer to endocrinolgy
  - Wasn’t up to date and wasn’t willing to trust our word enough to seek out more information
- Found another family doctor who was recommended through the community who was prescribing hormones using informed consent
Started Testosterone!
- Regular family doctor followed up with blood work and adjustments to dose
Waited another 6 months to see endocrinology (supposed to see them max 3 months after starting)

Physical Changes

Voice
- Started a few weeks after starting T
- Voice got a bit husky, thick, then started cracking, then eventually settled into the lower range
- Voice recordings were helpful to hear the changes that happened really slowly
- Vocal chords thicken but don’t change as much after you’re done growing
- Made a big difference to being misgendered, especially over the phone
- Generally done changing by about 18 months
- Partner experience
  - Had a fun time with the voice change
  - Making fun of the cracking, drawing attention to something that was affirming
  - My voice started sounding higher in comparison (caused voice dysphoria for myself)
    - Worked on lowering my own range
Facial Hair
- Very slow – mustache and side burns and under-chin hair first, very slowly filled in
- Helps with passing from afar
- Lots of euphoria
- Lots of time spent staring up close in a mirror
- Partner Experience
  - Enjoyed scruffing his beard, trying to encourage it to grow
  - Eventually had to encourage him to shave which he had a big resistance to
Body Hair
- Lots more on thighs, forearm hair thickened, more on tummy
- More fascinating than facial hair growth because it was less expected
- Grew a lot at the beginning, then slowed down a lot but has continued
- Partner Experience
  - Not much need to adapt to this as it wasn’t a huge change and has been fairly slow
Increased Temperature
- Lots of overheating initially on T but has since improved
- Especially when exercising which was very frustrating
  - Better after top surgery which meant he was comfortable exercising without a shirt on
- Partner Experience
  - Used him as a heating pad
  - Wildly different environmental temperature requirements
  - Unable to exercise together for a while
Menstruation and Lower Changes
- Periods stopped almost right away
  - Might be related to already having an IUD in
- Other changes in downstairs anatomy that we did not discuss (go look them up if you’re interested/need to know)
Strength
- Baseline strength increased without trying
  - Could suddenly lift tires more easily which felt weird
  - Didn’t need to workout to increase strength
- Noticeable only when doing things, not all the time (like facial hair) so often took him by surprise
- Partner Experience
  - Felt so much weaker by comparison!
  - Jealous of his strength and easy muscle gain when he was working out
  - Fun to see his confidence increase with his awareness of his strength
Body Shape
- Very delayed and slow
- Fat distribution changes – less on hips and thighs, more on belly
- Changes within face – less in cheeks, more to jaw
  - Gives appearance of wider jaw even though bone structure isn’t changing

Emotional Changes

Concerns before taking hormones about becoming angry and raging
- We were told that it augments emotions that are already present – if you’re an angry person, you might feel more angry but if you’re not, you won’t just suddenly become angry
Hormonal fluctuations definitely makes people generally more emotional just like typical puberty
- As an adult there are adult expectations and responsibilities you have to manage while having mood swings
- Hopefully have more coping skills as an adult
Less sadness, more channeled into frustration
Initially quire irritable but calmed down within a few months
Less emotional range and less nuance
- Doesn’t feel wrong or repressed or stunted
- Feels normal, the way his emotions should have been from the beginning
Less emotionally triggered, less emotionally invested
- Maybe due to increased confidence
- Seems more aloof but as a guy, people don’t particularly care (aloofness is somewhat expected)
Confidence increased which is difficult to measure as the person going through it
- As a partner, this was easiest to see as compared to the rest of the emotional experience
  - Less social anxiety
  - More comfort in masculine clothes
  - Was very cool to see and very much offset any mild discomfort I had with the physical or emotional changes
Partner Role
- Being a sounding board
- Encouraging him to express the huge emotions when he wasn’t used to having them or having so much of them
- Suggested a variety of positive outlets for emotions

Looking Back 2.5 Years on T

Lots of euphoria from HRT but at the time was painfully slow
- Celebrated every little change we saw and made a big deal out of them
- This was the good stuff during all the frustrations of accessing medical care and getting legal documents changed
Looking forward to more facial hair, body hair, and body shape changes
What will happened during the age of menopause/andropause? We have no idea!

Nonbinary Identities and HRT

Can take low dose to have fewer and slower changes
- ‘Micro-dosing’
- Can stop after the voice change but before much hair growth
I have minimal consistent physical dysphoria, no particular desire for facial or body hair changes, minimal voice dysphoria which I dealt with by working on my range
- Also trying to get pregnant so would not be able to be on T currently
Open to it in the future if I ever felt like I needed it

Next episode: Top surgery!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E5: Social Transition: Coming Out At Work

OVERVIEW

Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.

Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.

We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s process for coming out at work

Preparation

Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
- They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them

Tipping Point

Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
Told team lead in advance
Had written an email
Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
- Generally supportive
Sent email to whole department
- Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
Told other higher-ups
- One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
- Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)

Challenges

Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
- Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
- She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing

Bathrooms

Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
- Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR

Looking Back

Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
Fighting on all fronts
Exhausting and circular and convoluted

Did People Adapt?

Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
- Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
- Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
- Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots

Other Interesting Situations

Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
- Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity

Partner Experience

Could only be a cheerleader
Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
- Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
- Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
- Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
- Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
- Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
- More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
- Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work

Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
Half the people I interact with are strangers
Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
- Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct

Jake’s experience as a partner

Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E4: Social Transition: Coming Out To Family

OVERVIEW

Coming out to friends and family is a long process that involves lots of uncertainty, strategy, and a bit of luck. We discuss Jake’s process of coming out as a trans man and Meaghan Ray’s experience of that process as his partner, including how this process went for us, what methods we used to come out to people, what emotions we experienced, and what responses we got.

We also discuss Meaghan Ray’s experiences of coming out as non-binary so far (still early on in the process), Jake’s experience of being their partner, and how their two experiences are similar or different.

You can find the audio for the episode at the bottom of the page or subscribe to Let’s Talk Gender in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

The following is Jake’s coming out process and Meaghan Ray’s experience as his partner.

Who to come out to first?

Friends, then close family, then work, then extended /more questionable family, then strangers
Everyone’s process will be different
- Start with the people that will be most likely to be supportive and work your way up to the least supportive people

Partner Experience during closeted and early coming out phase

Various pronouns depending on the situation and who was present – female, male, neutral, avoiding pronouns altogether
Still trying to get used to his new identity so using female pronouns made that harder
Lasted about 4 months
Didn’t realize the toll that this took until about 8 months later (caused fairly severe burnout)
Got used to doing a quick check in before each social situation of who’s going to be there, who are you out to, is it worth going out, which name and pronouns are we using?

Coming out to family

Thought it would be similar to coming out as gay but it really wasn’t
- Being trans is about who you are and requires them to do a lot more work – change how they think of you and how they refer to you
Started with the first few people who were most likely to have a positive to neutral response and who had less direct impact
- Didn’t judge all of those correctly but overall it went ok
- Be open to any response they have
- Keep safety in mind
First part felt like it went really slow
- Few people know and if they’re hanging out with people who don’t know it gets very stressful
- Asking people to hold back on gendering you correctly which slows down their process of coming to terms with it
Eventually there is a tipping point where it’s easier just to have everyone know

Coming out to partner’s family/long distance family

Multiple conversations
Expecting close family to come out to other members of the family for you does not work – you end up having to do it yourself
Mostly done through email with generally positive, supportive responses
Follow up conversations at face-to-face gatherings
Took them longer to adjust but generally had less impact on us
Partner can do more of the work, especially with the follow up conversations

Methods for coming out

Face-to-face is the hardest, tended to avoid that if possible
Sent lots of emails in the early stages
Wrote a letter and read it out face-to-face
Sent lots of shorter emails to the more extended family
Facebook/social media for general public, past friends, far extended family

Responses to coming out conversations

Told close family early on that he was thinking about it/working on it as a warning that transition might be coming
Told them a while later that he for sure was trans but they didn’t seem to understand that there was much difference from the first convo
No change in pronouns or name
Had a family wedding coming up that necessitated telling Jake’s brother
- First person to appropriately change pronouns, name, and referents (brother) and introduced him that way at the wedding
His family realized that they were the only ones referring to him with female name and pronouns and suddenly was making it more unsafe for him
- Kick started their use of proper name and pronouns in an unexpected way
- Positive effect of strangers getting name/pronouns correct around family that is getting it incorrect
Was a high risk, high reward situation
Realized afterwards that family had been reluctant to change likely out of fear for his safety (when he wasn’t passing yet)
- What they didn’t realize (and what we didn’t understand early enough to explain to them) was that the toll on his psychological safety was worse than the physical safety risk that they perceived

Partner experience during early stages of being out to family

At the beginning, tried to hang out with them and refer to Jake in third person as much as possible to set a good example
- Complete opposite from previous stage where we tried to use second person or no pronouns as much as possible
Really enjoyed being able to refer to Jake correctly, felt good about setting a good example and trying to help
When they were not getting it at all, it got very difficult to hang out with them
- Jake wanted them to figure it out at their own pace and didn’t want to correct them
- Started getting angry with them too easily and had to not hang out with them as much (until they suddenly figured it out at the wedding)
Once they figured it out, it was much easier to hang out with them again
- Started correcting themselves, correcting each other

Correcting others when you get misgendered

Often happens in larger groups or in the middle of a conversation
Don’t want to derail a conversation or become the center of attention
Will remind them via text message later if they do it repeatedly without correcting themselves
Much better if someone else corrects them for you because you automatically have an ally and don’t have to make yourself vulnerable in order to stand up for yourself
Always takes emotional energy so it’s a balance of how much pain it’s causing you vs how much energy you have to spend to correct them

Emotions during coming out to family

Transition from questioning stage to coming out stage was the hardest
Fear, nervousness, what if someone becomes vengeful, actively negative
Questions about which family would chose to never talk to me again
Can’t base people’s reactions to you being trans on how they reacted to you being gay
Eventually reached a tipping point of it is more difficult to live in the closet than the fear of how people would react
Realization of how many people you actually have in your family
- Exhaustion, frustration, unending
False urgency to tell everyone as soon as he started hormones because changes would be happening and people would notice
- Didn’t happen nearly as fast as he felt like it would
- Wanted changes to happen faster to help people have an external reference for changing name and pronouns

Mental vs physical image and adjusting to new identity

Lots of detailed conversations between us where Jake explained how he saw himself and would feel most comfortable which helped Meaghan Ray change their mental image of him earlier than anyone else would be able to
- Made it easy for me to use correct pronouns well before any physical changes
Other people don’t get to have those detailed conversations and therefore can’t change their mental image because they don’t know what to change it to
- Often do much better after physical changes start happening
Family have known you longest and will have the strongest mental image of you pre-transition
5% rule: people will take up to 5% of the time they have known you to get used to new name and pronouns

Partner emotions during coming out to family

Fear, mostly for psychological well-being as he was having lots of difficult conversations
- Kept my phone on me at all times
Tried to provide lots of validation and support so he had at least one positive influence
Offered to go with him when he would be having those conversations
Still didn’t really understand how hard those conversations were and how things were going
- Had to ask really specific questions in order to find out because he didn’t want to make it harder for me and did not have any more energy to spend on another gender based conversation

Burnout lasts a long time

Still nervous about talking about gender and transition because there is a conditioned response that those conversations will lead to something huge and exhausting
Reviewing past experiences is much easier than talking about current ones
If you are the second person to transition in your immediate family or even within your relationship, those around you might have a hard time as a result of the residual burnout from past experiences with it

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out as non-binary

Even harder than coming out as binary trans
- The person you are coming out to already has an idea of what you mean by ‘male’ or ‘female’
- Most people do not have that reference for ‘nonbinary’
- Requires a lot more sex and gender 101 education to work up to getting them to understand which puts them in information overload
Really, all I’d be asking is for them to use they/them pronouns and maybe a different name and even that seems to be extremely hard for people to do
- We use they/them automatically all the time but when people are asked to do it consciously, apparently it messes with their brain and they can’t do it
Takes so much energy that I haven’t done a lot of coming out to family yet
- Something else always seems more important to talk about when visiting with family
- Sent an email with an explanation but haven’t talked about it since
- Good sibling support, will likely help my family come around but want to have those conversations with my parents first
Will likely have those conversations with close family once I’m pregnant/having a kid and have more extended visits with them and potentially more gender-based discomfort

Jake’s experience as Meaghan Ray’s partner

Trying to avoid pronouns at all costs
- Awkward pauses, reorganizing sentences
Being supportive while Meaghan Ray is slowly working up to coming out
- Spending a long time in limbo
Can’t be fully invested because limbo causes burnout and limbo will last much longer

The coming out equation

Deciding when you’re ready to come out will be different for everyone
How uncomfortable it is to be misgendered vs how hard it will be to come out and how much benefit you will get
- Very different answers to this equation for each of us

Every coming out process is different and personal but inevitably affects and involves the people around you.

Join us next week when we talk about coming out at work.

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Gay vs Trans

There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay.

Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay and non-binary and my husband’s experiences of being gay and trans. We both identified as gay first, and later discovered and expressed our non-cis gender identities.

SIMILARITIES

Incorrectly assumed to be the default (cis or straight)
Living with confusion and feeling like you don’t fit in before you know why
Have to figure out your identity
Have to ‘come out of the closet’ ie tell other people
Dealing with fear of rejection, prejudice, loss of housing or work as a result of coming out
Excitement and comfort of finding people that have the same/similar identity/experiences as you
Culture, experiences, and history specific to queer community
Lots of different terminology, language, and labels
Different interaction with people in your community than people outside of it
Risk to physical and psychological safety by living authentically
Pride parades, pride month, pride flags and symbols
Being labeled by strangers (often incorrectly) based on how you look or who you’re with
Often become parents via alternative fertility methods, surrogacy, or adoption
Prejudice in health care and legal systems (significantly worse for trans identities but present for both)
Lack of appropriate/relevant sex education

DIFFERENCES

Who you like vs who you are ie sexuality vs gender
Gender based experiences and identities are much less understood and accepted by the general public than sexuality based ones (though this wasn’t always the case and we hope to get to the same place with acceptance of gender identities)
- Significant energy has to be put towards educating the people around you when you come out as trans that isn’t necessary when coming out as gay
Coming out as gay requires the other person to change how they refer to your partner (if you have one) whereas coming out as trans requires them to change how they refer to you (which takes a lot more work on their part)
Dysphoria with trans identities that doesn’t relate to gay identities
Possibility of medical intervention and changes to legal documents with transition
Difficulty accessing appropriate/competent medical care as a trans person when it wasn’t a problem as a gay person
Gay community is readily available and easy to find while trans community is much smaller and harder to find
Extreme shift in privilege with transition that is much less pronounced with coming out as gay
Most trans people pick a new name, gay people don’t

If you have anything you’d like to add to these lists, leave me a comment below!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E1: Language and Labels

OVERVIEW

Language and labels are used to communicate our identities to others but for trans people, the first step of this process is finding language and labels to understand and define our own identities.

There is a ton of language that is specific to the trans community and trans experiences and identities. As the partner of a trans person, finding this language can be helpful but also overwhelming.

The social context and definitions of labels change over time. Labels should be tools for self-definition, not boxes that we force people in to. Having a variety of labels can help you communicate your identity in a variety of contexts and still feel authentic.

Our identities change over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed.

To listen to the full podcast episode, scroll down to the bottom of the page for the audio player or search for Let’s Talk Gender and subscribe in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

Language

Finding language to understand your own identity
- Talking to people from the queer community
- Looking things up online, YouTube
Having a lack of language makes it very difficult to understand your own identity
Feeling overwhelmed as a partner with all the new language and information
- Often feel one step behind the trans person
- Find your own resources and look up your own language and then ask the trans person if this matches their experience
Finding new language to refer to yourself and your body to make yourself more comfortable
The internal tension of referring to someone incorrectly to protect their identity/for their own safety
So much gendered language that we have to change beyond just pronouns when someone transitions
Communicating our identities to others requires bridging the gap between our understanding of language and terms and theirs
- Can go along with the terms/narrative that others understand to achieve the goal of the conversation
- Often takes a lot of energy to correct their use of language and explain the nuances
- Very difficult to explain non-binary experience or request neutral terminology and pronouns (hopefully this will get better in the future)

Labels

Generational gap
- Labels seen as negative from when they were used as slurs
- Too much language, that it’s evolving too fast
- Reclaimed language used in a positive way by younger people but still viewed as negative by older people
Labels being put on you can feel negative
- It tells you how they are seeing you but doesn’t change who you are
Labels are terms for self-definition
- Allow communication of your identity
- Helps you find community
- Helps you connect with people who have similar experiences
The more labels you have that you are comfortable with that have different connotations or definitions the more flexible you can be
- Specificity vs generality
- Widely understood vs newer or less well known terms
The interconnection of labels for sexuality and gender can make some labels easier to use than others
Feeling like you have to justify the labels you use can be frustrating and make you feel defensive
The labels we use
- Trans, non-binary, co-gender
- Queer, gay, neutrosexual, pansexual
- Trans vs transgender vs transexual
Not everyone feels the need to have lots of labels or any at all and instead, prefer the more general terms
Our identities evolve over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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