What gap?
People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, experiences, or knowledge.
For the most part, mainstream culture sees gender as a binary, sees heterosexuality as ‘the norm’ or ‘the expected’, and understands basic labels such as gay and lesbian, occasionally bisexual, even less often, trans. There is rarely an understanding of gender as a spectrum, of how to respectfully describe a trans person, or the variety of labels for and experiences of sexual orientations.
why is there a gap?
Mainstream culture has mainly been exposed to queer experiences through media, as with most minorities. What is shown in media is usually controlled by the mainstream. So how can we expect mainstream culture to have an accurate or even partial understanding of queer/trans experiences? This is slowly changing as media outlets like Youtube allow minorities a way to speak for themselves (when the algorithm isn’t busy censoring them), as more celebrities and professional athletes come out and speak up in support of the queer/trans community, and as more queer/trans characters are included in media.
acknowledging and accepting the gap
Surrounding yourself with like-minded people builds a strong supportive environment but it can lead to an assumption that the rest of the world has similar views. If queer people are aware of this gap of understanding it is often easier to ignore the ignorance around them on a day to day basis than constantly feel threatened or misunderstood. But ignoring it leads to queer people using language that others are not familiar with or referring to common experiences that others find strange. This causes miscommunication, confusion, frustration, and ‘othering’ – a focus on the differences between people, how ‘different’ and ‘strange’ queer people are.
If you say something that a co-worker or acquaintance doesn’t understand such as using a label that is less common or making reference to an aspect of transitioning and your co-worker responds with confusion, try not to take it personally or make them feel stupid. Try to treat this as a flag of truce, an indication where the gap is. This lack of understanding can be frustrating but to narrow the gap we have to communicate using terms that everyone understands, not ignore the ignorance or get defensive and angry when someone demonstrates ignorance. Acknowledge that you have different experiences, different levels of exposure to this sub-culture, and use the opportunity to educate someone new (if you have the energy) or pointing them in the direction of resources. I am not always the best at this but I am working on it. Sometimes it still takes me by surprise when things that seem obvious to me are beyond common knowledge.
when does this gap become an issue?
- Coming out (which can lead to being bullied, fired, or evicted)
- Medical settings (which can lead to health concerns being missed, queer/trans people knowing more about their condition than the medical professional or avoiding medical care altogether)
- When you need support and try to explain what you are struggling with to others and get a ‘that’s interesting’ response instead of ‘I understand and support you’
how to bridge the gap
- Step 1: Identify the gap
- What is the knowledge level of the least aware person in the group?
- What do you want them to be able to understand?
- Step 2: Connect the dots
- What are some key pieces of information that they need in order to understand your identity/information?
- Start with the basics – gender as a spectrum, the genderbread person, separation of sex, gender, orientation, and presentation
- Try to explain what it feels like in your shoes
- How dysphoria feels (not specifically what about your body/situation causes dysphoria)
- The confusion that you experienced before you had the language to understand your identity and communicate it to others
- The fear of repercussions if you come out, the impact of having to stay in the closet
- The impact of being misgendered, both prior to and after coming out
- Step 3: Take away message
- Be super clear that the most important thing they can do is respect your name and pronouns (or whatever the most important aspect is for you)
tips and useful phrases
- Tips:
- Have an exit plan. These types of conversations are intense and difficult. Have somewhere you can go afterwards to recover.
- Have a follow up plan. If they have further questions, where do they go, who can they talk to, who do they bring them up?
- Have back up. If the conversation/discussion doesn’t go well and turns into a bullying situation or you experience outright homophobia or transphobia, who can you go with those concerns?
- Written messages are easier for people to absorb but less personal. If you have a hard time finding the right words or are concerned that the situation may not be safe enough in person, try a written message instead. Keep in mind that an in-person conversation will likely be necessary at some point but at least they’ll have the basics and you can specify the terms of the personal conversation in the original message (ie one on one, boss present, at a specific meeting, etc).
- Phrases:
- You don’t have to understand someone’s experience in order to respect them
- The most important thing you can do is respect someone’s name and pronouns
- If you get their pronouns wrong, correct yourself and move on. If someone else corrects you because you didn’t hear yourself make the mistake, apologize, correct yourself, and return to the topic at hand.
Have you experienced this gap in understanding? How did it affect you? What approach did you take to bridging or overcoming the gap? If you were on the receiving end of this type of conversation at some point, how did it feel for you? Were you able to absorb the information? Did you follow up with the person or look for further resources afterwards? Did it change your perspective or interaction with others? Leave a comment below to tell me your experience!