Tag: Community

My Hero’s Journey, So Far

Here is how my gender journey lines up with the Hero’s Journey. Missed my previous post about Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey? Check that out first and then come back to read my story.

ORDINARY WORLD

When my husband started being identified as a man by strangers, their ingrained heteronormative views told them that I must be a woman. I started getting treated as more feminine when we were together and this didn’t sit right with me.

I had never been comfortable with the term lesbian, and instead had always called myself gay or queer.

In grade 10 I had a gender fluid experience where I would feel like a boy named Ray for a few days every few weeks, shifting back to feeling like a girl named Meaghan in between.

I grew up in a very liberal and supportive environment but at the inception of my gender journey I had moved away and was working in a more conservative and very hetero- and cis-normative environment.

CALL TO ADVENTURE

Part way through my husband’s transition, I realized that I was definitely experiencing dysphoria as well. We had been attending local PFLaG meetings and had been listening to people describe a range of identities and experiences. Some of these, especially the more androgenous, gender neutral, gender fluid, and nonbinary ones, really resonated with me.

REFUSAL OF THE CALL

However, my husband was still in the middle of navigating how to get top surgery, how to change all his legal documentation, and what to do about continually being misgendered at work, months after coming out. From witnessing his experiences and hearing about similar experiences from the community, I knew that exploring your gender and clarifying for yourself who you are and what you need to feel authentic can make not having those things feel a whole lot worse.

Knowing that my husband still needed a lot of my support and I was not working in an environment that would be condusive to coming out as nonbinary, I decided to put off all gender related self-discovery for the time being.

MEETING THE MENTOR

As soon as my husband felt fairly stable in his transition, he encouraged me to do my own gender exploration work. As a result of his transition, he finally felt ready to be a parent (being able to picture himself as a dad instead of a mom) but also did not want to be the one to be pregnant. This meant that, if possible, I would be the carrying and birthing parent.

There is so much unknown and out of your control in the process of trying to conceive, pregnancy, and birthing. I didn’t want gender related feelings to be one more. So I started to explore what felt not so great, what felt awesome, and how my gender felt on a daily basis.

CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

Turns out I am nonbinary. I discovered that I have both female and male genders which balance out to an overall experience that is a mix of the two or ‘somewhere in the middle’. I discovered that I do have some physical dysphoria during which times I feel better if I wear a binder (if my body can tolerate it). I discovered that I have significant social dysphoria and feel much better when referred to using they/them pronouns and neutral language.

The physical dysphoria I could manage pretty well with some practice. The social dysphoria was a whole other story, especially at work.

TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES

Partly as a result of constant social dysphoria, I started expriencing periods of burnout that would last 1-2 months and re-occur every 4-6 months.

I had a few new colleagues at work that were queer and super supportive and a few others that I slowly built friendships with and eventually came out to. These allies, especially at work, were a major help on bad dysphoria days.

I had a colleague who was also a friend come out as nonbinary. Unfortunately, the support from the management team was not in place and did not appear when they needed it. There were very few allies around them and they were continually misgendered, had repeated conflicts with coworkers, and ultimately moved to a different job. As an example of what it would be like for me to come out at work, it was a pretty clear one.

Navigating the world of fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum as a nonbinary person is extremely difficult. There were times I found community and resources and felt like I could belong. There were also times that were nauseating and traumatic that I will carry with me for life.

APPROACH TO THE INNERMOST CAVE

While I was on parental leave (for a whole year – go Canada!), and in the middle of a global pandemic, I had minimal interaction with the outside world unless I reached out for it. I had significantly less dysphoria and significantly less burnout, despite being a new parent in a pandemic. This told me that my burnout was indeed primarily dysphoria related and in order to feel more comfortable in my life, and have the emotional reserve I wanted and needed to support my child, I would need to make some changes. I would need to find spaces that I was comfortable being out in. And I would need to be out in as many spaces as I could.

This was especially true around family. I wanted my kid to grow up hearing people refer to me using the correct pronouns. This meant I would first have to explain my identity to everyone my kid would be interacting with regularly (namely family) and train everyone to use my pronouns and preferred language. This would take time and my kid was growing up at a steady pace. I had to come out to family before my kid started understanding what pronouns meant and remembering and repeating phrases from those around them.

THE ORDEAL

The first step I took was to apply to a graduate school program using my preferred name, pronouns, and gender identity. I was open with my supervisor from the beginning and made it clear in my application that my identity and lived experience was a big part of why I wanted to do research work. This meant that in September, when I started school, I had the foundation and backup to expect that everyone refer to me correctly. When they don’t, I have significantly more confidence to correct them than I ever have in other environments.

When my kid was about ten months old, I bit the bullet and came out to my in-laws (who live near us) and my parents (who live across the country but were coming for a month-long visit). I did this via email with the hope of some reply, either of support or questions or concerns that I could respond to. Mostly, there was silence and confusion. I had a brief follow up conversation with my in-laws and, after a period of awkwardnes and tension, saw some awereness and progress. My sister had many follow up conversations with my parents on my behalf but I had minimal expectation that they would be able to/willing to follow through and change their use of pronouns for me during their visit.

However, their visit happened to coincide with work I was doing to develop inclusive training material for a health professions college. They were curious about my work which gave me an opening to talk about many of the issues trans people face in health care settings (mostly related to ignorance and being misgendered). The materials I was developing included a ‘bad’ version of a health care interaction and a ‘good’ version. I sent them both versions and we had a few conversations about why the ‘bad’ version was ‘bad’ and why it was important to interact in ways that were depicted in the ‘good’ version. They were able to grasp these concepts significantly better than the information my sister had attempted to explain, perhaps because it wasn’t directly about them and thus did not make them feel as defensive. They almost immediately started making an effort to use my correct pronouns. While they weren’t great at it, and they will likely back-slide between in-person visits, this was more progress than I expected and I took it as a positive sign.

REWARD

It’s an increadible feeling, being seen. It’s even better when you don’t have to fight for it first. I now have numerous allys who actively step in to do the educating and, if necessary, fighting, on my behalf. I am better at advocating for myself (or getting better at it slowly), and better at identifying situations where having an ally would be useful and then recruiting one.

Confidence, euphoria, authenticity, and visibility are pretty good rewards. Do I wish I didn’t have to fight for them? Sure. But it’s still worth the fight.

THE ROAD BACK

I now spend the majority of my time working in an inclusive environment with my name and pronouns displayed correctly on my zoom screen during ‘meetings’. I have more bandwidth to apply to my work and family. I have not had a period of burnout in over a year despite having a baby during a pandemic. I am able to exercise despite the accompanying dysphoria because, for the majority of the time, I experience more euphoria than dysphoria. I can recover easily from the few days I spend in my previous work environment where I am still not out (and likely will never be).

I am using my unique experiences and perspective to help others make their work more inclusive. I am being recognized for the value of my experiences and identity rather than ‘supported’ or ‘accommodated’.

I am thinking about the future and what I might want for myself in my transition. Are there ‘next steps’? I have a long road to recovery from pregnancy related body changes and have chosen to focus on this prior to pursuing anything further related to transition. Though, likely, at some unknown point in the future, I would like to have some form of top surgery. Will this be my ‘Ressurection’? Who knows! If you stay tuned, you’ll likely find out when I do!

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Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey

The heroes in our favourite stories all start out as ordinary people. Their journeys often follow a similar pattern as they face trials and tribulations, discover their inner strength, and return triumphant. Joseph Campbell orginally described this story arc using 17 stages (and fairly problematic language). It has since been revised into 12 stages, most recently by Christopher Vogler.

As it turns out, these stages match the emotional stages of a gender transition pretty closely. Which means trans people are all heroes or heroes-in-training!

Here’s how it looks:

There are three parts: Departure (the beginning), Initiation (the middle), and Return (the end). These are broken down into the 12 stages.

The journey starts with the hero in the ordinary world living in a harsh and unforgiving external light in a state of unhappiness, stress, ignorance, and/or confusion.

They move to a new, extraordinary, or special world during the Initiation phase. Here they move through darkness as they struggle to discover their own internal source of light.

They then return to the ordinary world in a state of triumph and rebirth, having learned how to shine brightly from withinwith. They now have a new perspective, skill, or, in our case, identity.

As I was thinking about the steps in the Hero’s Journey and lining them up with the experience of gender transition, it was interesting how easy it was to see. Some of the original wording even makes sense without changing much except the context.

Let’s break it down and look at each of the twelve steps:

Stage 1: Ordinary World

Classic: The hero is uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware. They are living a life at the mercy of their enviornment, heredity, and personal history. The hero feels pulled in different directions and is stressed by the dilemma.

Trans: You are living with confusion and discomfort, just trying to get by with no language or understanding of why you feel different, that there is a way to relieve your distress, or what path your life is going to take.

Stage 2: Call to Adventure

Classic: Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change.

Trans: You discover that your discomfort might be gender related by meeting a trans person, seeing a trans person represented in media, or learning about language, labels, or experiences that feel right for you.

Stage 3: Refusal of the Call

Classic: The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly. This uncertainty may be voiced by someone else rather than the hero themself.

Trans: You have immense fear about the enormity of what this would mean for your life. This fear takes over and you ignore what you have just learned, bury the knowledge deep down, convince yourself that you don’t need to transition or don’t need to think about this. You try as hard as you can to fit in with what is expected of you or numb/ignore this awareness.

Stage 4: Meeting the Mentor

Classic: The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives them training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey. Or the hero reaches within to a mentor from their past or an internal source of courage and wisdom.

Trans: You meet someone who sees you for who you are and encourages you to delve into yourself. This could be a trans or queer person from the community who is living their best life and provides the experience and support you need, a therapist that starts helping you unpack your gender identity and dysphoria, or a close friend or family member who is no longer willing to let you hide from your truth.

Stage 5: Crossing the Threshold

Classic: The hero commits to leaving the ordinary world and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values.

Trans: You come out to yourself, accepting yourself for who you are, accepting your true authentic gender identity. You are flooded by understanding, fear, excitement, confusion, discomfort, and determination.

Stage 6: Tests, Allies, Enemies

Classic: The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the new, special world.

Trans: You now know why you’ve felt uncomfortable your whole life and being able to point to and name dysphoria makes it so much bigger, louder, and more constant. You search the internet for trans information and find a huge community on social media platforms and many local and national organizations that offer support. At the same time, you start recognizing all the transphobic and cisnormative language around you and feel like no one in your life will accept you for who you are.

Stage 7: Approach to the Innermost Cave

Classic: The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the special world.

Trans: You collect information from allies about coming out and navigating transition which helps you clarify for yourself what you want/need. This intensifies the dysphoria which gets harder and harder to deal with, especially when you haven’t told anyone yet. The internal pressure of knowing what you want, who you are, and how you want to be seen builds, pushing against the confines of the closet until…

Stage 8: Ordeal

Classic: The hero enters a central space in the special world and confronts death or faces their greatest fear. Out of this moment of ‘death’ comes a new life.

Trans: You decide that coming out is worth the risk, worth the loss of those that don’t support you, worth the potential harm in order to be who you are. You take the first steps to telling others who you are, breaking down that wall one brick at a time, or by driving a bulldozer straight through it and coming out to everyone at once.

Stage 9: Reward (Seizing the Sword)

Classic: The hero takes possession of the treasure they won by facing death. There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.

Trans: Some people you come out to start using your correct name and pronouns and you have your first real taste of gender euphoria and what it could feel like to live as the person you are. Not everyone is supportive or consistent and dysphoria continues to fight it’s way in. You fight to hold onto your confidence in who you are and your resolve to seek what you need, using the bursts of gender euphoria as your guiding light.

Stage 10: The Road Back

Classic: The hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the special world to be sure the treasure is brought home. Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.

Trans: You learn how to integrate your new trans identity with your life at work, home, and school, with friends and family, and in social activities, hobbies, and sports. You struggle to navigate and access the medical care and legal services you want/need in order to be safe and feel authentic in your body and identity. You are desperate for the changes and progress yet they happen at a maddeningly slow pace.

Stage 11: Resurrection

Classic: The hero is tested once more on the threshold of home. They are pruified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level. By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.

Trans: You start to recognize the person in the mirror, be recognized correctly by people around you more often than not, and feel more comfortable in your body. You come up to and cross a milestone of significance for you in your transition (starting hormones, top surgery, changing your gender marker, bottom surgery, etc) with all the doubt, fear, excitement, relief, pain, re-learning, and celebrating that comes with it.

Stage 12: Return with the Elixir

Classic: The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.

Trans: You reach a sense of completion related to your transition or have found confidence and peace in the sense of an ongoing and lifelong gender discovery and evolution. You are living authentically, supporting others who are questioning their gender or know someone who is, expanding your society’s view of gender and authenticity, and maybe even advocating for trans rights. Huzzah!

What an epic journey! Can you see yourself, or the trans person you love, as a hero? What stage of your Hero’s Journey are you at?

I know everyone’s transition is different. Are there stages that line up differently based on your experience?

If you add in specific details that match your own experience, what story does it tell? Who were the mentor, allies, and enemies? What tests did you face? What treasure do you carry with you to this day? What final milestone did you face and overcome during your stage of resurrection?

What was the timeline of each stage, and the journey as a whole? Did it progress in a linear fashion the way it sounds like it would here?

Share your story in the comments or send it to me in an email! If you’re willing to share it, I’ll publish it here as a post! The more stories the better. We need more variety of trans experiences and we need more trans heroes!

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When You Get It Wrong: How to Correct Yourself and Others When it Comes to Trans Identities

WHEN YOU MISGENDER SOMEONE

Even I, a nonbinary person with a trans husband, sometimes get people’s pronouns or preferred language wrong. Our brains are used to holding onto stereotypes and first impressions as shortcuts. It takes conscious effort to change how we perceive people and the language we are using for them. So, when someone you know comes out as trans or nonbinary, or simply asks you not to use certain language when referring to them, you will likely get it wrong at some point.

When you get it wrong, correct yourself and move on.

Do not apologize, especially not repeatedly or profusely. By apologizing, you are putting the focus on you and the mistake you made and forcing the trans person into the socially conventional role of either thanking you for the apology or excusing the original mistake, neither of which is acceptable.

The more you apologize, the more you are emphasizing the mistake in your brain. Repeating what you said with the correct pronouns, name, or other language is necessary to cement the correct version in your brain. The more you de-emphasize the mistake and emphasize the correct version, the faster your brain will adapt and stop making mistakes in the first place.

If someone else corrects you, say ‘thank you’ (not ‘sorry’), repeat it correctly, and move on.

Sometimes we are talking without hearing what we are actually saying and someone else hears the mistake for us. If the person you misgendered doesn’t correct you, it’s not because ‘it’s fine’ or they didn’t notice. Trust me, they did. It’s more likely that they don’t want to draw attention to the mistake, to themselves, or don’t have the energy to correct you and everyone else around them every time they are misgendered.

If the trans person or someone else catches your mistake and corrects you, that’s a good thing! That means that the culture of the place you are in or the relationship you have is one of support, openness, and inclusion. Respond to the mistake in a way that upholds this culture. Thank them for making the effort to bring your mistake to your attention, even though it meant going against social convention and interrupting the conversation. Correct yourself by repeating what you said with the correct language. And then move on by continuing with the conversation.

WHEN SOMEONE ELSE MISGENDERES SOMEONE

If people around you are making mistakes, make sure to correct them if you feel it is safe to do so. It is often easier to hear when other people make mistakes than when we do it ourselves. The more you correct someone else, the more you are emphasizing the correct version to yourself and others. You can correct others by interrupting them and stating the correct pronoun/name/language, by repeating what they said but using the correct pronoun/name/language, or by continuing on with the conversation, ensuring to use the correct pronoun/name/language with added emphasis.

If you know the person they misgendered personally, and especially if that person is often present when this misgendering occurs, consider asking them how they want you to respond in these situations. Depending on the relationships involved, they may prefer you don’t correct certain people in favour of preserving a tenuous connection. Or they may not feel comfortable correcting people themself but would really appreciate if you do it on their behalf. It may depend on who else is around or what context you’re in. Sometimes they don’t know yet and it takes some trial and error. You can always check back with them later to confirm or clarify their preferences.

WHAT IF THE PERSON THEY MISGENDERED WILL NEVER KNOW?

Let’s say you’re at a business meeting where a colleague is referring to a previous client who was trans. Or you’re a health care professional at a complex case discussion and someone brings up a case with a trans patient. Or you’re at a family gathering and your uncle refers to a celebrity who is trans. Now let’s say this colleague or family member uses transphobic or ignorant language when referring to the trans person.

What do you do?

You have three options:

  1. Correct them in the moment
  2. Correct them later, in private
  3. Don’t correct them at all

How you decide is important. If you would pick option 1 if there are trans people present who would be directly affected by their comments, and option 2 or 3 if there were no trans people present at the time, I take issue with this. You are assuming that you would know or be able to tell if there are trans people present. This means you are assuming that either trans people are recognizable by how they look (false), or that, because you are an ally, anyone who is trans or questioning would have told you (also false). It also means that you are assuming that if you don’t know of any trans people in the room, everyone must be cis. You are using cisgender as the baseline until proven otherwise rather than keeping an open mind.

I would prefer if you decide based on safety and energy. If you were to correct them in the moment, would it put you at risk, create a much bigger argument that would lead to significantly more transphobia rather than less, or use more energy than you personally have at this time? If any of these are true for you, then pick option 2 or 3, using the same questions to decide. If none of these are true for you, please choose option 1. You never know who in the room needs to hear the correction, either for themself, someone they love, or someone they will interact with in the near future.

Let’s look at each of these options in more detail.

Option 1: Correct them in the moment

This takes practice. The first few times someone says something transphobic in front of you it will be gone and the conversation will have moved on before your brain clicks in and says hey, that’s not right. If you are socially confident, you might be able to interrupt the conversation to make the correction. If not, it will take some planning and repetition.

Make note of phrases that you’ve encountered and what the correct phrase would be or what assumption needs to be corrected. Plan a one sentence correction that you could say. Also plan an interjection to use to get the attention of the people in the conversation first. There’s no point in making a correction if no one hears it. Something like “Excuse me, I heard you say something that I don’t think is right” works well.

The goal isn’t to create a debate around language use and trans issues. It’s to correct how they are referring to a person or using terminology in this context and continue the conversation. So keep your corrections relevant to the topic at hand, using examples specific to the current conversation.

This option takes significant confidence and energy, even if you aren’t a trans person. But it gets easier with practice. It also takes some quick calculations about what the social environment is, how the people in the room are likely to respond to your correction, and whether you have sufficient social capital to be heard. This is a small scale example of the types of calculations that trans people make all day long. It’s part of what it means to be an ally.

Option 2: Correct them later, in private

If, for whatever reason, option 1 isn’t going to be good for you or potential trans people in the room, or the moment passed and you didn’t recognize it or decide what to do about it until later, option 2 is the next best. You have time to think about what you want to say, gather some resources that might be helpful, and pick an appropriate time when they might be more receptive and/or you feel safer or more capable of making a good impact.

This can be a face to face conversation, a text, a phone call, or an email. Sometimes it’s best to have it in writing, sometimes not. You could also consider having backup included in the conversation if necessary – either someone else who was in the room, a supervisor, or an inclusion and diversity rep if one exists in your setting. You can make sure they go with you for the conversation or add them to the email, even privately if necessary.

The important part is that you take action. If the person who made the mistake is receptive, you will be supporting them in making a positive change and providing useful resources. If they aren’t receptive, you are safer and know that you’ll have to take it to the next level should this issue come up again.

The major drawbacks of this option are that the other people in the room didn’t hear the correction so a) they may not recognize that what was said was wrong, b) they may not know what should have been said instead even if they know it was wrong, and c) any trans, nonbinary, or questioning people in the room don’t know you are an ally. So, if you choose option 2, consider other things you can do to address these aspects as well.

Option 3: Don’t correct them at all

This is the least useful option but is also the safest. Only pick this option if you have no other choice. But, if you do have to pick this option, consider other ways you can get information out to the people around you about common errors or assumptions about trans people and corrections/accurate information. Because if you didn’t correct them, and no one else did, it’s not only the person that made the mistake that needs the information but everyone else who was present and didn’t say anything either.

I hope this helps you feel more prepared and more comfortable with correcting yourself and others instead of letting mistakes slide. Leave a comment below with your experiences of correcting yourself or others and any other tips or suggestions you have.

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From Baby to Toddler: First Birthday and First Anniversary of Birthing

MILESTONES VS ANNIVERSARIES

Milestones are typically cumulative: one leads to the next and to the next, either in number (as with birthdays) or in skill level (as with motor development). Anniversaries, on the other hand, are a remembering of a singular event. Milestones feel like an accomplishment, a moving forward. Anniversaries feel like pausing and looking back, to see how far we’ve come.

The first birthday of my child was a strange mix of both. Their first birthday: a huge milestone, and hopefully the first of many birthdays to come. The one-year anniversary of their birth: this time last year I was in labour for four days, having an experience unlike any other in my life.

The birthday celebration feels very external – it’s about the baby, how much they’ve changed and grown in one year (so much!) and celebrating with family. The anniversary of birthing feels very internal and personal. It’s an experience I went through with my husband that we have only shared with a couple people.

So how are you supposed to celebrate these two highly interconnected experiences that are so wildly different?

FIRST BIRTHDAY: IS IT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?

For most birthdays, it’s all about the person who’s birthday it is. But for a child’s first birthday, they don’t really understand what’s happening, don’t have any expectations of what a birthday is, and won’t be disappointed if it is skipped altogether. So why bother with all the fuss?

For the parents of course! Getting through the first year of your child’s life is a huge accomplishment. Whether it felt easy or hard, take this excuse to celebrate!

We initially didn’t really care about having a party. Everyone was busy, I was navigating the end of parental leave and returning to work, and our kid was just starting daycare and was exhausted. But we knew we would feel disappointed if we didn’t. So we made it work. We had a small family gathering outdoors and our baby got to try cake for the first time. It was nothing extravagent but it was definitely important.

Our baby is now officially a toddler (but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop calling them my baby).

REMEMBERING THE BIRTHING PROCESS

In the days leading up to my baby’s first birthday, I was tracking what was happening the year before. A year ago at this time I was just starting labour. A year ago at this time we were talking to the midwife for the second day in a row. A year ago at this time things were getting pretty intense and I was already exhausted. A year ago at this time we were heading to the hospital. A year ago at this time we were holding our baby for the first time.

I had a long slow labour. This remembering, therefore, spans the three days prior to my baby’s birthday as well as the birthday itself. At the same time as wanting to remember these experiences, life was continuing on. I was at work one of those days. We were doing two hour daycare visits on two of those days. My husband was working for three of those days and we didn’t have much time to reminisce together. So sometimes, something important had happened the year prior, but the moment had already passed by the time I had the awareness to remember.

It felt like I was doing the experience and myself a disservice by missing these key moments. But really, no one around me knew or cared. It was just for myself and therefore I can decide how and when I remember them. Not remembering them at that exact moment a year later doesn’t mean they didn’t happen, that I’ve forgotten about them, or that I’m ignoring the impact they had. It just means that it was one experience, a moment in time, and I am continuing to live my life beyond that moment.

I definitely want to find a way to commemorate this experience more concretely next year. I want to include my husband, and potentially even my child, in my remembering process. I want to build a tradition.

BUILDING TRADITIONS

Traditions are important. They are used to mark milestones (such as having a birthday celebration) and anniversaries (such as going on a date or exchanging gifts on your wedding anniversary). Because of this, a tradition can tie these two wildly different connected experiences toogether.

For me, a tradition around my birthing experience would involve some recognition of the intensity and endurance involved in that experience. It would be a remembering and celebrating of what my body was and is capable of and the role my husband played in supporting me through that process. This year, I did this mostly on my own, internally, with a bit of sharing with my husband.

A tradition around my child’s birthday would be pretty typical – the cake and candles, the presents, and the family gathering. I also want to include a reflection on the past year – some of my child’s, and our family’s, important experiences, challenges, and achievements. This year, we had a family party with cake (no candles because fire and one-year-olds is a dangerous combination), and my husband and I did a quiet re-reading of our monthly baby journal entries and a look back through our pictures and videos.

One way we could combine these experiences in the future is with a candle. I would light the candle on the anniversary of when my labour started, each of the next few evenings we would share some memories of the labour experience and the past year of our child’s life, and on their birthday we would light the candles on their birthday cake (or cupcake if the actual party is on a different day) using the same candle. My labour candle lights my child’s birthday candles. It has the symbolism and recognition I’m looking for.

Maybe next year I’ll write another post describing what we actually end up doing. Until then, let me know what your experience of your child’s first birthday was. How do you comemorate your labour and birthing experience?

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From Baby to Toddler: Motor Milestones and Ableism

FROM BABY TO TODDLER: FIRST STEPS

Technically, a baby becomes a toddler on their first birthday. There is so much development in so many different areas around this time but the one that gets the most attention is walking. A baby’s first steps are often much celebrated and, emotionally, mark the shift into toddlerhood. The name ‘toddler’ even comes from the unsteady, wide based gait quintessential to new, young ambulators.

With walking comes more independence and the end of crawling, bum scooting, rolling, or other forms of baby locomotion. From then on into adulthood, they’ll be walking (or so we assume and hope – more on the ableism of this perspective below). Though they aren’t yet talking (for the most part), potty trained, or really all that independent, it feels like a sudden shift away from baby behaviours and into the next phase of their life.

Babies (or toddlers) learn many other motor skills before taking their first steps. There’s rolling, sitting, and crawling but even once they start working towards walking there are many skills still to learn. There’s pulling up to stand (and learning how to safely return to the ground), weight shifting, cruising, letting go in standing, taking a reaching step while cruising, and then, eventually, a free standing step. And even then, it’s a while longer before walking becomes their main mode of locomotion.

As with all types of development, babies practice each of the smaller steps constantly. They are trying new things, seeing what works, and getting excited when they figure out how to consistently replicate an action. Especially when it helps them gain access to new areas and perspectives. And we get excited right along with them. We encourage them, get excited with them, protect them, and console them.

But why focus on first steps? Why aren’t a baby’s first words or some other milestone the most celebrated aspect of becoming a toddler?

THE PROCCUPATION WITH MOTOR MILESTONES

Motor milestones and a baby’s growth are the two main indicators of whether a baby is developing as expected during their first year of life. There are standards of when babies are expected to start holding up their head, rolling, crawling, pulling up to stand, and walking. It is so easy to get hung up on these expectations, comparing your baby to others or to the ‘standard’.

This comparison can cause a ton of anxiety and pressure that we can inadvertantly pass on to our babies. We teach them that their actions and physical development will make us more excited than other areas and that is what they should focus on. We are encouraged to have our babies play on their tummies on the floor, even if they hate it (‘They’ll get used to it, you just have to keep trying!’) rather than trying alternative positions that encourage the same types of development.

Yes, motor development is an important part of a baby’s development because, as I understand it, it encourages, allows for, or results in development in many other areas such as spatial awareness, differentiation of self from others, depth perception, emotional development, etc. But what we’re not told is that there is a range of ways and timelines a baby can develop motor skills that still result in developing all these other areas, especially if the parent(s) are engaged and play with them in meaningful ways.

The most important part is that we are excited for whatever aspect of development our baby is focused on in the moment and is able to achieve. When we’re in community with others, I think it’s important to be excited and curious about all the different ways babies develop and try not to compare, shame, or judge based on differences.

MOTOR MILESTONES AND ABLEISM

The concept that there is a ‘right way’ for a baby to develop is extremely ableist. It is so easy to fall into this way of thinking when everything we are told is about when our baby ‘should’ be able to do certain things. This has become especially evident for me around the ‘first steps’ milestone.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been spinning around my head and how I’ve been trying to address them from an anti-ableism perspective:

Using ‘taking their first steps’ as the indicator for becoming a toddler

This is inherently abelist. Not all children take steps. If they do, they may take significantly longer than 12-16 months to get there. Just the idea that a human that isn’t walking is considered a baby makes me cringe. So no, a baby does not need to take their first steps to be considered a toddler. I think I’ll stick with the first birthday as the marker of that threshold.

Getting excited when my baby learns new motor skills

It’s always exciting when your child learns new things, no matter what type of skill it is. But motor skills seem easier to identify as an observer. We can see all the little progressions and attempts as they work up to being able to do something. And of course we get excited when they are able to do something new.

But does that mean we’re putting unnecessary emphasis on motor skills due to an ingrained ablist perspective? Not necessarily. If we’re excited because our baby is excited and because they learned something new, that seems fine to me. Just because we’re excited to see them roll for the first time, doesn’t mean we’d be any less excited if, at the same age, our baby had just learned how to open and close their fist. Being excited for any development at any age, whatever stage your child is at, is one of the joys of being a parent.

Using motor milestones as the main indicator of development

Again, I think this is ableist. Motor milestones should get no more weight than social development, language development, play engagement and activities, sleeping skills, eating skills, and overall growth. Sure, some of those others are harder to observe and measure and may have a wider range of ages when they appear and develop. But focusing on motor milestones simply because they are easiest to track puts undue focus on physical ability, stressing that that is somehow more important than all the other areas. This is not true and highly ableist.

Identifying motor ‘delays’ and accessing support services

As a rehab professional, this is where I get stuck. I don’t like the focus on motor skills to the exclusion of other types of development but I recognize that if there are motor delays, this can be the earliest and most easily identifiable indicator that there may be delays in other areas as well. I also know that the sooner a child, parents, and family has access to interdisciplinary support, the easier it is for the family to learn how to create a supportive environment for a child who’s needs might be different from the mainstream experience.

I think it becomes ableist when motor delays (or other delays) and accessing support services comes with negative judgement. Anything along the lines of ‘your child isn’t normal’, ‘you have failed as a parent’, ‘you did this to your child’, ‘you should be able to support your child on your own’, or ‘you are weak for needing help’ is pure ableism. Even the more subtle aspects of needing to prevent as much future disability as possible so they can have a good life is ableist. Preventing disability for the sake of enduring less pain, stigma, or struggle is one thing. Assuming that they won’t have a good life if they are born with or develop a disability or delay is a whole other and very ableist thing.

FINAL THOUGHTS

  • First steps are very exciting and are a culmination of many smaller skills and hours of practice.
  • First steps and the beginning of walking (or being fitted for and learning to use their first wheelchair) marks the end of ‘baby’ locomotion skills and can trigger a grieving process around the end of the ‘baby phase’.
  • Babies become toddlers on their first birthday, not when they take their first steps.
  • Focusing on motor milestones to the exclusion of other areas of development is ableist.
  • Stressing about and pressuring your child to perform motor skills they are not yet ready for is unnecessary and comes from internalized ableism.
  • Comparing to others or the ‘standardized norm’ can cause unnecessary stress and focus on motor development.
  • Following your child’s lead and being excited for whatever skill they are working on is one of the joys of parenting and not inherently ableist.
  • Accessing support for yourself and your child should you feel you need to help provide a positive and supportive environment for your child is important.
  • Negative judgement around motor delays (or any type of delay or disability), accessing supports, or perceived future quality of life is extremely ableist.

Have you had similar thoughts and experiences? Do you agree or disagree with what I said here? Leave a comment below with your thoughts or share your story!

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How to Find a Queer and Trans Inclusive Daycare

Parenting is hard at the best of times. When you have to trust your child’s care and guidance to a group of strangers at a daycare, you want to know that all the hard work you’ve put in will be supported, not contradicted.

As a queer and trans family, we believe in raising our child in a gender creative and expansive way. We believe in respecting and affirming their bodily autonomy and teaching and modeling consent. We believe that under no circumstances do body parts define a person’s gender and until a baby is old enough to vocalize their preferred gender, pronouns should be considered temporary. Gendered language should be used sparingly (using child instead of girl or boy) or expansively (using child, girl, and boy equally to refer to the child).

As a queer and trans family, we don’t feel constrained by traditional gender roles. We don’t necessarily use traditional, binary parental terms or binary pronouns. We don’t necessarily celebrate traditional binary parental days. Our families may include sperm donors and donor siblings, surrogate and bio parents, children of our close queer friends whom our kiddo thinks of as ‘cousins’, and many other varieties.

Having to interact with institutions that care for our child opens the door to discrimination, isolation, and othering. Finding an inclusive daycare, school, pediatrician, etc is a lot of work. Often, these don’t even exist or we choose to travel much further than we hoped in order to access them. When we do find one, we often still have to do significant work to explain our identities and family structure and recommend ways they can be even more inclusive.

This is because there is a difference between accepting, aware, inclusive, and affirming. For me, accepting is the bare minimum. This is the absence of overt discrimination. Awareness comes when they understand the unique needs and identities of the queer and trans families they may encounter but haven’t necessarily taken steps to make space or include these in their policies and programs. Once they create and act on these policies and programs and complete some LGBT diversity and inclusion training, I would consider them inclusive. If they actively include diverse gender identities and family structures in their representations, encourage the kids to engage in all kinds of play regardless of sex or gender, vocalize their pronouns and ask families and kids about their own (as age appropriate), and apply all kinds of adjectives to kids regardless of sex or gender, then I would consider them affirming. This, I have yet to find.

We are currently in the middle of searching for a daycare for our little one. I don’t yet have the experience of working with a daycare to understand and respect our family’s identities and our child’s gender presentation and personal boundaries. I’m sure I will share more on that when it comes. For now, here are a few ways I have used to search for a queer and trans inclusive daycare.

COMMUNITY RECOMMENDATIONS

This is the best option. Having a recommendation from another family with similar identities/structure to yours who already attends a daycare and has had a good experience not only gives you a first hand recommendation but also another family to back you up should you need to bring up issues around inclusivity.

However, this is also the hardest to find for most of us. I received one recommendation from a queer (but not trans) family for a daycare they attend and like and one recommendation from a queer and trans family for a daycare they attend and have had no problems with (but isn’t actively inclusive).

So I kept those daycares in mind and moved on to other options:

WEBSITES

I did a quick search for daycares within commutable range of our house and came up with about 13 options. I thought this was a pretty good number. I then looked at all their websites. Of the 13, only one mentioned gender in the types of diversity they were supportive of. A couple others mentioned being supportive of/welcoming all types of families, family structures, and cultures.

This was not super encouraging. Clearly, I would have to ask specific questions to see if any of the others were inclusive even though they didn’t mention anything on their websites.

CONTACT WITH QUESTIONS

So I sent out emails to my top eight choices in our area based on their policies and programs listed on their websites. The more emails I sent, the more brave I got and the more specific and direct my questions became. Because really, what is a daycare going to do to me if they’re transphobic and I’m asking about inclusivity? The worst that could happen is I get a negative response which would give me a very clear answer about whether to send my child there or not.

Here are some questions that I asked:

  • Do you have any policies regarding interactions with trans and queer families and children?
  • Has your staff done any LGBT specific diversity and inclusion training?
  • What is your knowledge of and perspective on gender development in children?
  • What is your approach to children’s toys, clothing, pronouns, and other language?
  • Do you have any LGBT inclusive children’s books?
  • Do you have any LGBT identifying staff?
  • Have you had/do you currently have any other LGBTQ families attending your daycare?

The majority of responses ignored all of my specific questions and used a blanket statement such as ‘we are supportive of all cultures and families’. What this says to me is ‘I don’t understand why these questions are necessary and have no idea how I would answer them in a way that would satisfy you so I will reassure you as best I can and hope that’s good enough’. This falls into the category of ‘accepting’ but not even ‘aware’.

The couple that responded with more specific answers to my questions had decent answers and freely admitted when my question was not something they had ever considered before. One even went so far as to say they would put that at the top of their list for training opportunities for their staff, resources to add to their library, and further learning for themselves. While I would consider that falling in the ‘aware’ to ‘inclusive’ categories, they show potential for being ‘affirming’ in the future and open to corrections and suggestions.

The ones that had good responses and the ones that were recommended by other LGBT people became the list of places we wanted to tour.

TOURING SITES

This is the stage we are currently in. Here is a list of things we are paying attention to when we go on site tours.

What to look for

  • Books with LGBT characters, families, and gender creative representations and stories
  • Gender neutral toys and play spaces (red flags for anything divided into boys/girls or pink/blue)
  • Pronouns included on staff ID badges/name tags or kids’ cubby areas

Interactions with staff

  • Do they respectfully ask about your family structure, identities, and pronouns?
  • Do they introduce themselves with their pronouns?
  • Do they gender your child before asking what pronouns you are using for your child?
  • How do they react if you correct their use of language for your child or family?
  • If you observe them interacting with other children, do they interact in a way you are comfortable with?

HOW TO BE A QUEER AND TRANS INCLUSIVE DAYCARE

If you are someone who works in childcare, here are some suggestions for ways you can be queer and trans affirming in your business structure and programming. This is by no means an exhaustive list.

  • Mandatory 2SLGBTQ inclusion and diversity training for current staff
    • Include this in new staff training or repeat after a period of staff turnover
  • Familiarity and competence using a variety of pronouns
  • Knowledge of how gender develops in children
  • Actively counteract your biases around gendered clothing, toys, behaviours, and types of play
  • Use a variety of adjectives and forms of encouragement for all children
  • Books that depict families of all structures, children and parents of various gender experiences and presentations, and a variety of pronouns.
  • Ask for and offer your pronouns when interacting with kids and adults

If you are a queer or trans parent and looking for childcare, I hope this helps give you ideas or makes you feel less alone in the struggle. If you have other questions you would ask, other things you would look for during tours, or other recommendations to childcare businesses, please leave them in a comment or send me an email! I’d love to hear your experiences with your hunt for inclusive and affirming childcare.

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Who’s Feeding the Baby and Other Influences on Parental Roles

Our parental roles have shifted a few times throughout our baby’s first ten months. In the first two weeks, I was exclusively feeding the baby from my body. As this was not a role that my husband could fulfill, he made considerable effort to take on as many of the other baby care and general household tasks as he could. That included diaper changes, baby baths, making meals, shopping, and getting the baby to sleep.

After two weeks, we had to switch to bottle feeding which meant that we now had equal ability to feed the baby. I still had the extra load of pumping multiple times a day so my husband would typically feed the baby while I was pumping. We would then share the rest of the baby care and household tasks more evenly.

Then my husband went back to work and I became the primary caregiver during the majority of the day. My husband always made (and continues to make) an effort to do as much of the morning and evening baby care as he can, allowing me to have some personal time, extra sleep, or complete household tasks.

To me, this sharing of baby care is normal and expected. In talking to friends who also have new babies, this isn’t the case for every family. I’m not sure why but I have noticed some patterns.

WHO’S FEEDING THE BABY?

The primary factor seems to be who is feeding the baby or whether the feeding duties can be shared.

The baby is exclusively fed by one parent

Historically, the birth parent was the sole nursing/feeding parent and also the primary caregiver for the rest of the baby’s needs. This view seems to still influence some people to lump all the baby care together and place it in the domain of the feeding parent. As it turns out, only the feeding is exclusive to the feeding parent. All the rest of the baby care can be done (and in my opinion should be done) by either/both parents.

In some families, like mine, we view each baby care activity separately – feeding, sleeping/bedtime, changing, bathing, playing, medical appointments, etc. In this scenario, if the feeding can only be done by one parent and is often a highly demanding and time consuming task, at least one if not more of the other tasks could be taken over by the other parent/another caregiver.

The baby can by fed by either parent/any caregiver

This seems to make it more likely that baby care duties will be shared. If the feeding duties can be shared, it makes it more obvious that the rest of the baby care can also be shared. The majority of the care may still fall to one person due to work or other responsibilities but even if this is the case, there is more room for negotiation.

The baby is partly fed exclusively by one parent and can partly be fed by either parent

Whether the exclusive feeding responsibilities are from nursing, body feeding, or pumping, in this scenario one parent takes some of the feeding duties and the rest can be shared with the other parent/caregivers.

Because some of the feeding can be shared, it follows that the other baby care can be shared, as with the previous scenario. I feel like this would make it more obvious to the non-lactating parent how much of the work falls exclusively to the lactating parent. Ideally, this would lead to the non-lactating parent helping out with shareable duties as much as possible.

CONDITIONING, COMMUNITY, AND GENDER ROLES

While the question of who is feeding the baby seems to be a strong factor, there are still the influences of conditioning, community, and gender roles.

Conditioning

How someone was raised and how much they feel a need to follow what feels like a traditional model of baby care can have a strong influence on whether the above feeding scenarios have any impact on their involvement. If someone grew up in a strongly feminist household with an expectation that everyone pitches in with cooking, cleaning, and general household chores, I feel like they would be more likely to prefer/expect to share baby care duties regardless of the feeding arrangement. If someone was raised in a strongly patriarchal, traditional household, they may have the opposite expectation. How rigid this conditioning was and how strongly they still adhere to it as an adult will determine if they are influenced by a shared feeding situation to share the rest of the baby care.

Community

Another influence is how their peers are raising their own kids. This will not only model what baby care is like but also be a guiding force to follow a similar path as they ask for guidance or compare situations.

Another aspect of community is what expectations their community members have expressed when it comes to parental involvement with the baby. There can be guilt and shame placed on someone who chooses to share feeding and baby care duties when they are expected by their community to be the parent exclusively responsible for feeding and caring for the baby. It seems like this negative judgement is less likely to be placed on a non-feeding parent who is choosing to have little involvement in baby care even when their community expects them to be more involved. However, community can be a strong influence, sometimes stronger than a partner’s voice. If a valued member of a community voices a concern, disappointment, or expectation that the non-feeding partner be more involved, it can have a supportive impact.

Gender Roles

How much someone feels the need to adhere to society’s gender roles or carve out a set of gender-based expectations for themself related to baby care would also impact how they share the work. For some people, regardless of gender, the sudden addition of parenting duties could feel threatening to their sense of who they are, how they present, and where they fit in society as related to gender. They may adapt and figure out how to integrate this new aspect of their life into their self concept. Or they may rebel and hold even tighter to the aspects of their familial role and lifestyle that previously contributed to their sense of their gender.

For others, the new role of being a parent and caring for a baby can serve as a replacement for a lost role while on parental leave. It can be a strong gender affirming role or be a substitute for the satisfaction and pride they get from their career or other endeavors that are put on hold. Sometimes it can be challenging if the new parenting role feels satisfying in terms of purpose but at odds with their gender role. This can occur for any parent/primary caregiver.

The person experiencing this sort of internal tension may not even know that gender plays a part in why they feel reluctant to engage in baby care or reluctant to allow their partner to assist with the baby care. If this is your experience or you suspect it may be your partner’s experience, I think it’s worth a conversation.

I hope some of this resonated with you and helped you understand yourself or your partner a bit better. Evidently, I advocate for sharing parental responsibilities as much as possible. This doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50. If one parent is off on parental leave while the other is working full time, it may be more like 80/20. But I don’t believe it should be 100/0. Even if you are a sole parent, I believe you need community support to help raise a child.

Let me know what your baby care situation is and what impact the feeding role, conditioning, community, or gender roles has had on you.

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Diastasis Recti, Body Image, and Gender

Postpartum recovery is typically portrayed as a rapid return to pre-pregnancy weight and shape. For many people, this is not an accurate representation. Many people never return to pre-pregnancy weight or shape. Some do but have to put in a lot of work to make that happen.

I have a short torso so when I was pregnant, I carried my baby out in front. I started showing early and was very round. I had many stretch marks from early on and still have them. At halfway through my pregnancy people were surprised I still had a while to go. I was asked many times if I was having twins.

At six months postpartum my belly had shrunk somewhat but I still looked about the same size as when I was halfway through my pregnancy. While I knew that the media portrays postpartum recovery inaccurately, this seemed particularly slow. So I tested myself for diastasis recti and found a 3-4 finger gap between my abdominals. This was soon after diagnosed by a physiotherapist.

I started doing specific core exercises and regained my core strength fairly quickly. But at just over nine months postpartum, I still look the same as I did halfway through my pregnancy. While out for a walk with my nine month old baby in the stroller, a stranger congratulated me on the second baby I have on the way.

Having a round, pregnant shaped belly is a difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

  • No one should ever comment on another person’s body shape, size, or presentation without being invited to do so and yet pregnancy seems to be a socially accepted time to do this. Being perceived as pregnant invites these sorts of comments.
  • In most people’s minds, being seen as someone who is potentially pregnant puts me in the category of ‘female’ or ‘woman’ and negates any other aspects of my presentation that might suggest otherwise. I dealt with this while pregnant for the sake of having my child but was really looking forward to not dealing with this anymore. And here I am, still being perceived as pregnant.
  • While pregnant, having a large belly helped minimize my perception of the size of my chest by comparison. Now that I am no longer pregnant and would like to flatten the appearance of my chest, doing so would only accentuate the size of my belly.
  • In order to heal diastasis recti, I have to avoid slouching. Standing up straight makes my chest look and feel bigger, increasing my dysphoria for the sake of healing my abdominals.

I know that recovery from or healing of diastasis recti is slow and takes diligent work. Being constantly aware of my posture, movement, and muscle activation takes mental effort. Making myself do core exercises daily takes will power. I am trying but I’m not always successful on all fronts. And without noticeable change in my function or shape, it is hard to stay motivated.

In search of answers and community, I recently turned to the internet and social media. I found lots of good information but every single resource used female terms and pronouns throughout. Finding community and support for part of my experience that actively excluded and invalidated other parts was painful, exhausting, and overwhelming.

Here is yet another topic where gender neutral terminology would not exclude or invalidate anyone and yet at every opportunity professionals refer to ‘ladies’ and ‘mama’.

Throughout this whole internal struggle with post partum body image, I have tried to be aware of where my thoughts and feelings are coming from. I avoid and reframe any thoughts I have about my weight. I try not to judge my body in negative ways due it’s size or shape. However, I can’t escape how my shape triggers my dysphoria or interferes with my preferred strategies for managing my dysphoria. And I can’t ignore how others perceive me when they assume I am pregnant.

No two people recover from pregnancy the same way. Don’t make assumptions about other people’s bodies based on their shape, size, or function. Don’t make assumptions about other people based on their bodies. If you are a professional supporting a community, question your use of gendered language. Substitute gender neutral terms and use language referring to a specific experience wherever possible. If this is something you would like help with, please contact me.

Did you struggle with body image after pregnancy? Did you or do you currently have diastasis recti? Leave me a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

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Trans Affirmations

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

My experience is real.
My experience, my identity, and my life have value. 
I deserve to take up space.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I do not owe anyone an explanation of my gender. 
I have control over my own identity. 
I have a right to any label that feels right for me.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I do not owe anyone an explanation of my transition process.
There is no 'right way' to be trans.
My transition is my own process and I don't need to compare to anyone else. 
I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

While I am trying to avoid dysphoria, I will seek out gender euphoria.
I will seek out what feels right. 
I will do what makes me feel whole. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I love my body for being my vessel in this world. 
My body belongs to me and no one else. 
My body is capable of amazing things. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of love.
I am enough.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I can do this. 
One step at a time. 
I will go at my own pace. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I am allowed to be scared. 
I am allowed to let people assume I am cis.
Doing this does not make me a coward. 
Doing this does not make me less trans. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

There is a community out there that understands and supports me.
When I have the energy, I will advocate for myself and my community.
When I do not, I will find ways to protect, care for, and be kind to myself.

Because I am important. 
And my voice matters.

What words do you find affirming? What do you remind yourself of in the face of transphobic politics, family members, and workplaces? Add your words of strength, encouragement, and assurance to mine by leaving a comment.

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My First Parental Celebration Days as a New Parent

I recently celebrated my first Nonbinary Parent’s Day and Mother’s Day as a parent so I thought I’d share what those days felt like for me as a nonbinary person.

Some background:

  • I am more comfortable being called a parent than a mother or a mom
  • I identify with parts of ‘mom culture’ but the parts I don’t identify with feel really wrong to me, mostly for gender related reasons
  • My parental term of choice is ‘Mur’ which is a sounded out version of M and R for Meaghan Ray (my name)
  • The majority of people in my life do not yet know about my chosen parental term or my discomfort with the label of mom or mother

NONBINARY PARENT’S DAY

Nonbinary Parent’s Day fell on April 18 this year. I didn’t even know about it until my husband mentioned it a few days early. We didn’t plan anything special, just went about our normal activities. But the day still felt special. I was more in tune with my connection with my baby, more grateful, thankful, and had an sense of inner peace and oneness.

Only a couple people other than my husband knew to wish me happy Nonbinary Parent’s Day the way you would for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. This wasn’t surprising since I hadn’t even heard about the day until he told me and hadn’t broadcasted it to the world. I did see lots of celebratory photos and posts on social media from other nonbinary parents which gave me a much greater sense of community and connection.

So while celebrating this day felt great personally, it has very little recognition in the wider world as of yet. I’m hoping this will increase in future years. Starting next year, I will be more proactive at letting my friends and family know that this is my preferred parental celebration day.

MOTHER’S DAY

I had no idea how I would feel about celebrating Mother’s Day, or at least being wished a happy Mother’s Day by others. Turns out it was a complicated experience.

I was looking forward to getting to celebrate my first Mother’s Day as a parent alongside celebrating it for my own mom. I was looking forward to the sense of understanding, shared experience, community, and recognition. Turns out that when the title of ‘Mother’ doesn’t sit right, being wished a happy Mother’s Day doesn’t feel great either.

I did some translating self talk every time someone wished me a happy Mother’s Day. Something like – they’re recognizing my new parental role, expressing their understanding of the work that goes into being in the primary parental role that I’m currently in, and I appreciate that. This translation helped a bit but it also took effort.

Every time I was wished a happy Mother’s Day, while I knew it came from a good place, I also knew that it meant that they had overlooked how my gender interacts with my role as a parent. Feeling seen in my new role as a parent and simultaneously invisible in my gender makes for a confusing and isolating experience on a day when I was hoping to feel seen and connected.

A few friends were careful to wish me a happy Parent’s Day or happy Gestational Parent’s Day on Mother’s Day which definitely felt better. These wishes were more personalized and recognized my gender in addition to my parental role but didn’t lead to a feeling of being connected to any community with similar experiences. I let these friends know about Nonbinary Parent’s Day and was wished a happy belated Nonbinary Parent’s Day instead.

For me, celebrating Nonbinary Parent’s Day feels like the right fit. It’ll take a while for my friends and extended family, and especially the wider world, to recognize this annual day but at least we can make a tradition of it in our family of three.

Next year on Mother’s Day, I will try to use a gentle response such as: Thank you, but I celebrate Nonbinary Parent’s Day instead which is the third Sunday in April.

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