Year: 2020

Second Trimester Part 1

GENDER

I have stayed close to the middle of the gender spectrum over the past few months with some fluctuations towards the female side. This has made me feel balanced and stable within my gender, much more so than last time (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender).

But as I predicted, dysphoria has definitely gotten worse since telling people I’m pregnant and starting to show. The belly is not really an issue though it is the thing that people use to identify me as pregnant and then start treating me more femininely. Referring to my belly or the fact that I’m pregnant with typically feminine terms definitely increases my social dysphoria and feelings of invisibility.

Worse than the belly is the bra shopping and maternity clothes. Nothing makes top dysphoria worse than your breasts out-growing your bras every couple months. Unfortunately, I have some swelling that could get significantly worse with taping and rib pain that makes binding impossible.

I’m sure both physical and social dysphoria will get worse as I get closer to my due date. Unfortunately, with this social distancing we are all living with at the moment (due to COVID-19), I have less access to the various forms of support I’ve be building for myself over the last nine months (various queer discussion and support groups in my area and a bi-monthly queer games group).

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I have considerably more energy than I did at the end of the first trimester. I have just started getting heartburn. So far I don’t have any swelling in my legs though I have been congested in the evenings and overnight for a few weeks.

Mostly, my joint pain has gotten considerably worse. For most pregnant people, this is a symptom that comes on later in pregnancy with the increased weight and change in posture. But for people with underlying inflammatory or connective tissue disorders/conditions, their symptoms can get considerably worse earlier on in pregnancy. This has been the case for me.

As of mid-March, I have been using a walker when out of the house. Most of the time I can walk around the house without a cane but sometimes I need it in the evenings. I have rib and neck pain, my knees ache, and my wrists, elbows, and shoulders are slowly getting worse the more I have to rely on them to support me when I’m walking.

Needless to say, my role at work has changed and my ability to contribute to household chores has decreased significantly in the last few weeks. I am trying to find creative ways to do things or shift roles to ones I can manage easier even if it’s not something I typically enjoy doing.

The lack of mobility is frustrating but feeling useless or like I’m just getting in the way is worse. I don’t mind having to use gait aids (it is part of my job to encourage people who would benefit from them to use them) but it is hard to deal with the reason I need the walker or cane – the constant but fluctuating pain. Looking ahead to another six months of this as it slowly gets worse is extremely difficult.

I am trying to stay positive and say ‘at least it’s for a good cause’ and ‘at least I know it will have an end point’ but I’d like to be able to enjoy the process of being pregnant, at least a little bit. Maybe once I am consistently feeling the baby move and able to share that with my husband I will feel more connected to the positive side of this process.

For now, I will keep taking it one day at a time, do the best I can, and take breaks when I need to.

How did your experience of your gender change as your body changed with pregnancy? What physical symptoms did you have to contend with?

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Gender Vs Sex

No, this is not a ‘gender’ reveal post.

First of all, what I would be revealing is the sex of my baby, not the gender. We can find out the sex of our babies before they are born based on seeing their genitalia on an ultrasound or having a genetic test done that tells us their chromosomal makeup. Both of these are markers of sex, not gender.

The whole concept of finding out the sex ignores the existence of intersex conditions and identities. The idea that we automatically know the baby’s gender based on their sex markers ignores the existence of trans and non-binary identities. So every time someone asks me what the gender of my baby is, it feels like an erasure of mine and my husband’s identities, even if the person asking doesn’t realize it or mean it that way.

We can assume that the baby will be cisgender (that their gender will match their sex) which is statistically more likely than the baby being trans, but we will not know their gender for sure until they are old enough to express it to us.

This is what goes through my mind when people ask me “What are you having?” or “Are you finding out?” or “Do you know the gender?” So of course, there is a long pause while I decide whether I want to educate, be snarky, or bite my tongue and play along with the social routine.

Is it worth the energy and vulnerability to educate people on why this question feels inappropriate to me? Am I in a safe environment to out myself or my husband in order to illustrate the point? Can I educate them well enough, with enough impact, without outing either of us? The mental and emotional gymnastics to figure out whether to challenge them on their assumptions behind the question are exhausting on their own.

Most of the time I answer the “What are you having?” question with “A baby” or if I’m feeling snarky, “Well, I’m not having a puppy…” If they ask if we’re finding out the gender, I usually say “Yes, we already have but we’re not telling anyone” even though it hurts me a bit to reaffirm their ignorance instead of contradicting it. Occasionally I’ll reply “You mean the sex?” or “Well, we found out the sex but the kid will have to tell us their gender when they figure it out for themself.” If you’re in a similar situation, hopefully these variations of answers give you some options when you don’t have the energy or safety to educate.

We decided to find out the sex of the baby before birth so that we would have time to process what it would mean to counteract societal influences, stereotypes, and our own preconceptions in order to raise them in as gender-expansive a way as possible. We decided not to tell anyone else the sex of the baby because we don’t trust everyone else to do the same work without our direct influence so the longer we can force those around us to think of the child as gender neutral the better.

As I have talked about in a previous post (Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-Binary Person), we will be using the pronouns associated with their sex assigned at birth (or before birth in most cases nowadays). It would be too challenging for both of us to fight for neutral pronouns when the likelihood is that the child will be cis-gender. We will be giving our child every opportunity to explore and be exposed to all aspects of gender identity, presentation, and expression. We will be having open conversations about all aspects of gender and sex as they become relevant. We’ll see how this goes!

How do you respond to questions about finding out your child’s ‘gender’? Did you find out your child’s sex in advance of birth? Have you taken any specific steps to raise your child(ren) in a gender-expansive way? Please share in the comments! I’d love to hear your experiences.

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Non-binary and Pregnant (Again)

That’s right! I am in my second trimester of pregnancy!

HOW WE GOT HERE

After the miscarriage (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender), we continued with IUI for two more cycles (taking a month off between each as before). When that didn’t work, we tried a medicated IUI cycle where I took a follicle stimulating drug. The goal was to force my body to produce and release multiple eggs.

The drugs gave me hot flashes, dizzy spells, racing heart, and decreased appetite. We decided that if this cycle didn’t work, we would take a longer break to build up some money and prepare for IVF. The two week wait was particularly intense and when it came back negative, it took extra time and energy to recover from.

IVF

We calculated that it would take about eight months to build up the money needed for IVF but with the help of both of our families, we were able to start much sooner.

The IVF process involved a lot of hormone injections, abdominal discomfort from enlarged ovaries, many internal ultrasounds, an egg harvesting procedure, daily embryo updates, and eventually an embryo implantation.

What with all the hormones in my system and the aching ovaries, I had no idea if I was pregnant or not until the blood test. Which came back positive!!

PREGNANT AGAIN

This time, we knew for sure that the egg had properly developing genetic material inside so we had already avoided the cause of my previous miscarriage. Over the next few weeks I slowly developed the typical first trimester symptoms – fatigue, nausea (luckily not too bad), and increased hunger and thirst. The aching in my ovaries slowly faded and resolved by about week six.

We had our first ultrasound at week 7. There it was, a little bean, floating in a pool in my womb. Better yet, there was a little fluttering spot in the bean that showed a heartbeat!

My pregnancy symptoms continued to worsen until week nine when the nausea suddenly disappeared. My appetite and thirst increased even more. Around week six I started to have increasing joint pain. I have chronic SI joint problems and low level body inflammation and often take naproxen to manage pain. It is a wonder drug for me but unfortunately, you can’t take naproxen or anything like it while pregnant. So, over time my SI pain has gotten worse and I have had to use a cane, wear an SI belt, and be careful what I do at work.

THE GENDERY STUFF

The IVF process had a lot of ups and downs with regards to gender. There were times when I felt like I fit right in and felt affirmed as a woman, in awe of what my body was doing. Then there were times when I felt very out of place, at odds and uncomfortable with being identified as a woman. At those times, using the women’s bathroom and signing many documents that identified me as a woman were particularly difficult.

I was forced to be aware of and interact with my ‘female parts’ in invasive and unavoidable ways. I had many transvaginal ultrasounds throughout the IVF process, one of which fell on a particularly dysphoric day, after which I immediately had to go to work, and took me hours to recover from. All procedures since then have been slightly more difficult regardless of dysphoria just because of the memory of that experience.

During the pregnancy so far I have been floating around the female side of neutral, much closer to the middle of my typical gender bandwidth than the last time I was pregnant (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender). Is this because I have had more time to become comfortable and confident in my gender or because the hormone balance is different this time around? Who knows. Regardless, this means I have had more balance but slightly more dysphoria than last time.

LOOKING AHEAD

As I move into the second trimester and start to show more and tell people, I’m expecting my social dysphoria, and eventually my physical dysphoria, to get worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage this ok with the support that I have and a lessening of the first trimester fatigue.

I will try to post more frequent updates on how things are going and what being pregnant is like as a non-binary person.

If you or someone close to you is going through the IVF process and you would like more details on my experience or someone to talk to I am happy to share in a more private setting. Feel free to email me or leaving your contact info in the comments.

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E8: Legal Transition

OVERVIEW

We start by talking about Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on top surgery because we didn’t have time in the previous episode. Then we talk about Jake’s process of changing his legal name and gender marker, Meaghan Ray’s role as his partner through that process, and Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on potentially changing their name and gender marker in the future.

This is the last episode in this series which has focused on the various stages of transition as we have experienced them so far. We will be taking a break and will return with a new series in the future.

SHOW NOTES

Meaghan Ray’s Thoughts on Top Surgery

  • Some NB people will get top surgery without testosterone, take testosterone but not have top surgery, or do both.
    • I have a harder time relating to the NBs that do both because I am genderfluid and have a significant female component to my gender
  • I don’t feel the need to wear a binder all the time
    • When I have top dysphoria it isn’t debilitating, just irritating
  • Having top surgery to have a flat chest doesn’t feel right for me at the moment but I would consider having a breast reduction
    • Enough that I wouldn’t need to wear a bra if I didn’t want to and could get the appearance of a flat chest fairly easily but could also wear a bra to have the appearance of breasts
  • Got lots of good info from a talk at the Trans Philly Wellness Conference on top surgery
    • To get a more NB look you can look at various factors separately to mix and match more female-typical and male-typical markers
      • Contour
      • Overhang
      • Nipple placement
      • Nipple size
      • Shape of scars
      • Placement of scars
    • If you know what look you want with relation to all these things you just have to find a surgeon who knows how to do it!

Jake’s Legal Transition

  • Jake started to live ‘full time’ in May 2017 which is when he also started HRT
  • Saw gender psychiatrist in July
    • Received generic form to certify that he is transitioning and said it would make sense to amend his sex on any ID
    • Also can be used to explain why he might look male when his ID still says female
    • This document counts as the ‘medical letter’ that was required to change provincial ID
      • No longer required!
  • Went into registries in August
    • Found out he had to get fingerprinting done to get his legal name change and needed to apply for a legal name change before
  • Got fingerprints done
  • Applied for legal name change in August
    • If he was born in Alberta, could have gotten birth certificate and marriage certificate done all at once but he wasn’t so the process was even more convoluted
    • Received certificate in the mail in October
    • Got a new driver’s license!
  • Had to apply for marriage certificate from Nova Scotia
    • Took two tries for them to get it right
  • Tried to submit for a new SIN card which eventually was returned saying that he needed to change his birth certificate first
  • Hardest part was birth certificate
    • New Brunswick hadn’t changed their laws yet – still required proof of ‘sex reassignment surgery’
    • Need an updated birth certificate to get updated passport
  • Was stuck in limbo with a drivers license that didn’t match his passport and a passport that didn’t match how he presented
    • Made it too unsafe for us to travel to the states and had to cancel a trip we had planned
  • Getting banking info was also convoluted and for some reason he still can’t order cheques without the wrong name coming up
  • His workplace wouldn’t update his name in their system until his SIN card had been changed (which required the birth certificate again)
  • Wrote a letter to an MLA in New Brunswick about how frustrated he was and how many problems this archaic law was causing (December 2017)
    • Heard back at the beginning of February that it was already in the works
    • They ended up emailing and calling him to tell him that the forms were up and how to apply
    • Was very lucky in his timing because if he had started any earlier he still would have waited for this law to change and would have spent even more time stuck with mismatched documents and old work ID
    • Finally got it back in March 2018
    • Allowed him to update his passport and SIN card which he received in May 2018 – one year after coming out
  • In the meantime, he had found a way around the issues at work
    • Concerns with payroll’s info not matching his banking info and a T4 being issued in the wrong name
    • Got in contact with an HR Diversity and Equity person who had all his work stuff changed over in two months (done in December 2017)
      • As random things kept coming up he would contact her again and she would fix it super quick
      • Had been out since May and had lots of co-workers wondering why they couldn’t find him in the system to send him an email and he kept having to tell them to look under the old name
        • Very long 8 months
  • Found several resources for recently married people with lists of documents you need to get changed once you change your name
    • Land title, mortgage documents, credit score, etc
    • Super helpful but often ran into problems where the forms or procedure for changing the document did not include either change of first name or change of gender marker
    • Felt like he had to tell his life story and out himself as trans in order to get the document changed (over and over)
  • Situations keep coming up
    • Recent election – two voter cards showed up, one under each name, tried to get it changed, just caused confusion
    • Now that he passes as male people are even more confused because they can’t compute that he ‘used to be a woman’
    • Still can’t order cheques at the bank – has given up on that one after going in person and calling on the phone many times
    • Had to contact the city because he was getting his old name coming up during a job application and in emails despite applying under his current name
      • Had a fast, positive response and got it fixed quickly
  • In general was he was burnt out and apprehensive from having to go back to the same places over and over, never knowing what response he would get, if he would get different info from the previous time
    • He was super strategic about which locations he went to and at what time of day because he knew it would take a while and didn’t want there to be a long line of other people behind him listening to him explain his life story
  • No overt transphobic experiences (hurray for Canada!)

Partner Experience During Legal Transition

  • Provided support and encouragement
  • Gave permission for him to take some time away from working through the long list
  • Would have gone with him as a buddy to all the various offices if our schedules allowed
    • Moral support
    • Safety
  • For parents: call ahead to medical offices to ensure they have the proper name and pronouns in their system before your kid arrives
    • Old information can keep popping up depending on when the last time was that you interacted with that particular medical office/hospital
  • Had to change Jake’s information on my benefits plan
    • The form had a list of reasons that did not include transition so I had to write it in
    • Did not have a space to indicate a change of gender marker
    • Had to call them multiple times to correct it as they returned various iterations

Meaghan Ray’s Plans for Legal Transition

  • Could change provincial documents to ‘Meaghan Ray’ and X
    • May do this some day but it’s a lot of work and not necessary for now
  • Could change national documents to ‘Meaghan Ray’ and X
    • Would be more dangerous to travel internationally to places that don’t recognize that as a gender marker
  • Potential incentive was to get it changed before having a kid because we can’t change parent’s names on your kid’s birth certificate
    • However, it’s only first and last names that appear on the birth certificate, no gender marker, and we can choose the parental labels that we use (mother, father, or parent for either or both of us)
  • So for now, the emotional cost of changing anything out-ways the benefit for me

This brings our series on transition to a close. We will be back sometime in the future with a new series and hopefully some guests! Stay tuned!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E7: Medical Transition: Top Surgery

OVERVIEW

In this episode we talk about Jake’s path to top surgery and his experiences of the procedure and the recovery process. We also discuss the role of the partner and Meaghan Ray’s experience during each stage of this process.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s Top Surgery Experience

  • Referral to gender psychiatrist September 2016
  • Saw gender psychiatrist July 2017
    • Referral to top surgery – likely a two month wait
    • No word, called back, finally heard from the surgeon two months later
  • Two surgeons in our area that rotate so one is taking consults then start working on the surgeries while the other one takes consults
    • Trans people are at the bottom of the list in terms of priority
    • A friend got in for a breast reduction after a year, Jake has been waiting two years and still hasn’t heard back from them
  • Initial consult was a fast twenty minute run through with minimal information
    • Didn’t know what questions to ask yet
    • Learned that he would likely end up with dog ears
    • Revision to get rid of dog ears is not covered by provincial health care
    • Liposuction to prevent dog ears was not covered or even discussed as an adjunct out of pocket
    • Offered double-incision method only
    • Left Jake feeling uncomfortable and frustrated
  • Started googling where else he could get surgery
    • Found McClean Clinic in Toronto where they do ‘Mascuplasty’ to create appearance of a male chest instead of just double mastectomy
      • Includes liposuction and revision
    • Called the clinic, filled out the application, and was put on the list for a phone consultation which happened 4 months later (8 months after original referral)
    • Likely wait was listed as 3-6 months after consultation
  • Phone consult in March 2018
    • Surgery is done under informed consent – don’t need a referral from psychologists or psychiatrists but instead have to pay out of pocket
    • Similar vetting process to the gender psychiatrist – what are your expectations for surgery, why do you feel you need this surgery, describe your dysphoria…
    • Feel like you have to explain how you feel in stereotypical ways in order to ‘qualify’ and get access to the medical treatment you need
  • Offered a date 6 weeks later!
    • Took a day to consider if this was what he wanted
    • Much less time to logistically and emotionally prepare
      • Good support from community, even people who had personal experience with the McClean Clinic who all had great experiences
      • One friend showed his results and provided a list that he had made of tips and tricks after his surgery
      • Did lots of research on facebook groups for trans guys and breast cancer survivors
  • Trip to Toronto for surgery!
    • Willing to pay for better results and less wait time
    • Able to stay with family
    • Second guessing at the last minute
      • Not a ton of physical dysphoria but lots of social dysphoria that was severely anxiety inducing especially in public washrooms
  • In-person consult the day before
    • Surgeon was 2 hrs late
    • Jake burned through all his anxiety during the long wait
    • Brief but thorough description of the surgery plan, results, and follow up
  • Day of surgery
    • Measurements and markings based on ratios
    • Awkward but done in a medical way
    • IV started
    • Went into surgery and came out crying for no reason
    • Very sore across the chest
      • Wearing a compression band over the bandages
    • Got up to the bathroom and was dropped off with no supervision, felt very panicky, light-headed and gross
    • Was rescued by a nurse who then asked about any history of anxiety
      • Maybe they should ask about this before surgery?
    • Eventually met up with MR and was escorted out to the back door in a wheelchair
      • Lots of difficulty finding the car, figuring out where they wanted him to be picked up, etc

Partner Experience of Top Surgery

  • Included in all the pre-op appointments
    • Helping remember information and nice to know what was going on
  • Day of surgery
    • Stayed for pre-op measurements etc
    • Kicked out when he went in for surgery
      • Told it would take about 2 hrs and they would phone when he was done
    • No word after 2 hrs so I checked in with the desk and was shooed away with no actual updated estimate
    • Waited another 45-60 mins with no word so I checked back in
      • They went to check with the nurses and this time gave me a spot to sit around the corner
        • Had all our winter gear and personal belongings and my entertainment to keep me occupied during the surgery piled around me
      • Eventually came back and told me he was just crying a bit and I could go back in a few minutes when he was feeling better
      • Would NOT let me go back to help him calm down/recover
        • Tried really hard not to get in the way but also mentioned that I am familiar with medical things and could probably help him
    • Eventually got to see him once he was back in the pre-op room (after the whole anxious bathroom experience)
      • Very pale, shaky, sweaty, nauseous and in pain
      • Got a wet cloth for his neck
      • Helped him eat crackers
  • Generally poor communication with me
  • Fiasco with getting him to the car was very frustrating
  • Drove home very carefully
    • He was already in lots of pain and getting very nauseous
    • Had to pull over a couple times to make sure he was doing ok
  • Got home, got him settled and took it easy for a few days

Jake’s Top Surgery Recovery

  • Returned to the clinic the next day to ensure everything was going ok
    • 15 minute appointment with lots of driving to get there and back
  • First few days were mostly sleeping, resting, watching movies, sleeping propped up
  • Became very itchy from the pain meds
  • Pain from the compression vest under his armpits where they had done liposuction
    • Sensation in areas of liposuction came back very quickly with lots of bruising
    • Tucked some towels over the edge to make it feel less sharp
    • Moved the vest down a bit and loosened it a bit
  • Went back for a follow up after 7 days where they took off all the bandages
    • Could already tell his chest was flatter but with no bandages or vest it felt very flat
    • Subdued reaction due to pain meds and that it matched his expectation so it didn’t feel surprising
    • Partner reaction was much stronger
      • Had spent so many months picturing him with a flat chest because that’s how he pictured himself that his chest area had blurred out and had become uncomfortable to really pay attention to
      • With the bandages off it was the first time that I could comfortably look at that part of him and have it look right
      • Also knew how awesome he would feel about it once his head was clear of the meds and he was feeling better
      • Took some pictures and video including the side view which was the greatest
  • Flew back to Alberta
  • Took an extra week off work in order to recover enough stamina
  • Was supposed to keep the compression vest on for 4 weeks but ended up taking it off after 3 because it was so uncomfortable to wear under work shirts
  • Kept nipple covers on to keep nipples moist
    • Nipples scabbed as they healed (normal)
      • Looked like two black nipples and felt like something was wrong (also very common)
    • Scabs started coming off and the nipple was so light that it looked like it wasn’t there but everything was fine
  • Sensation returned slowly
    • Lots of areas across the top of his chest that started to itch as sensation came back
    • Then down into armpit and across towards the nipples
    • Played games where we would test where his sensation had gotten to
    • Nipple sensation has returned part way, somewhat hypersensitive
    • One spot in the left incision where a nerve ending was exposed and caused serious stabbing pain each time it was touched
  • Traumatized by liposuction video
    • Makes sense why those areas were so numb
  • Scar care
    • Bio-oil
    • Scar massage
    • Really careful to not raise his arms
      • Found other ways to exercise by modifying activities to deal with the feeling of being cooped up
  • Mostly frustrated with the irritating symptoms as the sensation returned and changed constantly
    • Had to use numbing gel at times

Partner Experience During Recovery

  • Listen to what they are experiencing
  • Look up extra info such as scar care and desensitization strategies if needed
    • Your person is so irritated by those sensations and burntout from the whole experience
  • Had fun figuring out where the sensation had returned to
  • Helping out others in the community since

Looking Back On It

  • If you’re considering private options, take the time to look around, including international options
    • Worth pricing them out regardless of distance
    • Consider amount of post-op support from family/friends
    • Consider whether you will get the results you want and what medical follow up is offered
  • Most people have had positive experiences with McClean Clinic
    • Jake found a big difference between the high quality customer service at a distance vs less awesome experience in person

Next time: Legal Transition

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Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person

If you have read any of the other posts in the Pregnancy and Parenting category, you’ll know that Jake and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. So naturally, we think ahead to what it will be like to parent as a trans man and a non-binary person.

Below are some of the things we’ve discussed in relation to my identity as a non-binary person. Note: other non-binary parents may have different responses to these situations and my responses may very well change in the future. And that is totally fine! Think of this as a time capsule of what we’re thinking at the moment.

WHAT WILL THE KID CALL ME?

For the most part, I am comfortable with mom or mother. Mommy is a bit less comfy. I have seen various terms that other non-binary parents use such as Baba, Mapa, Maddy, Mappy, etc. None of these feel like they really fit for me but maybe I will just have to pick one that feels the closest and I’ll get used to it.

Another common one is Ren or Renny from parent. I quite like this one but it would not be as intuitive to others what it meant so it would take more explanation on our part or our child’s part. Maybe this is ok and wouldn’t be as difficult or frustrating as I’m picturing.

The other one I’ve thought of is Mur which is a sounded-out version of M.R. for Meaghan Ray. It also sounds like a shortened or slurred form of mother. So maybe I’ll use that.

I’m sure the kid will have their own opinions about what fits so I guess we’ll see what happens.

EXPLAINING MY IDENTITY TO MY KID

Initially, I won’t be telling my kid anything specific about my own gender identity because they won’t necessarily understand and they definitely won’t understand the safety concerns of who to tell and who not to tell. But we will have lots of kids stories about gender diversity and have lots of conversations about gender and gender presentation and preferences geared towards whatever stage they’re at.

When my kid is more preteen age I will likely tell them about my own gender identity. If my kid ever asks outright what my gender is I will be open and honest and deal with whatever personal consequences come from that.

NAVIGATING SYSTEMS

Whether it’s school systems or pediatric medical care, I will likely be identified as the mother on all the paperwork and to all the professionals. I will likely take that one situation at a time and if I come across an inclusive professional or an inclusive form, I will likely be open about my identity (as long as my kid was also aware of it at that time).

We will look for spaces where our kid, and us as parents, can hang out with other queer families so we don’t feel isolated in these various experiences.

PREPARING THE KID TO FIELD QUESTIONS

Depending on what we have told our kid about my identity and how they are referring to me, this may generate questions from other kids or teachers and other parents. We will not be able to control how our child responds but we can have conversations both before and after these questions come up about what they might say, how they felt about being asked the question, and if they feel like they want to ask any questions of us.

All we can do is instill an open minded and positive view of gender in our child and hope that that is what they represent in their answers to others. If they encounter a negative response as a result of my identity, we will debrief with our child and address it with the most responsible adult directly. This is probably the thing I am the most apprehensive about so we’ll see how it goes.

WILL WE RAISE OUR CHILD GENDER NEUTRAL?

Socially, emotionally, and physically – yes, as much as possible. This means playing sports and rough housing with them while teaching them how to be gentle. Modeling and teaching them emotional intelligence and emotional coping skills. Giving them access to a variety of toys, clothing, and accessory options.

However, we will not be using they/them pronouns for our child. We will be using the pronouns that align with their sex. Though neither of us are cisgender, statistically speaking, our child will be. As someone who prefers they/them pronouns, I understand how difficult it is to get people to use them and understand why I am asking them to. It can be quite upsetting for me when I have explicitly asked them to and they don’t. So having to fight for the same thing for my child would be way too much of a struggle and way too emotionally taxing for me when they are likely to be cisgendered.

As I said above, we will frequently be asking our child about their gender using whatever terms they understand. If they ever display a preference for other pronouns, we will adjust accordingly and immediately. For me, being flexible and open is more important than being strictly neutral from the start.

Do you have a child or are you planning on it in the future? What terms do you use? How have you discussed gender with your child? Leave me a message below!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E6: Medical Transition: HRT

OVERVIEW

The changes with HRT are some of the most positive and euphoric aspects of transition. We talk about Jake’s experience with Testosterone and going through his second puberty. He talks about all the different physical changes and the emotional changes as well. We also discuss what it was like as his partner adapting to those changes.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s Experience Taking Testosterone

  • Typical trans narrative is based on changes with HRT
    • External, obvious changes
    • Most socially acceptable aspect of transition to ask about
    • Lots of YouTube videos and picture timelines
      • Can be fascinating to show what the body does on HRT but also gives you an idea what to expect (though everyone is different)
  • So much variability
    • Will loosely end up similar to cis men that you are related to
    • Also depends on age, dosage, etc

Accessing Hormones

  • Referral from psychologist to gender psychiatrist
  • Previously required psychiatrist referral to endocrinology but very recently could get a referral from family doctor (most family docs were not aware or comfortable doing this)
  • Wanted to start HRT right away but had to wait to see gender psychiatrist
    • Came out to family doc who then refused to refer to endocrinolgy
      • Wasn’t up to date and wasn’t willing to trust our word enough to seek out more information
    • Found another family doctor who was recommended through the community who was prescribing hormones using informed consent
  • Started Testosterone!
    • Regular family doctor followed up with blood work and adjustments to dose
  • Waited another 6 months to see endocrinology (supposed to see them max 3 months after starting)

Physical Changes

  • Voice
    • Started a few weeks after starting T
    • Voice got a bit husky, thick, then started cracking, then eventually settled into the lower range
    • Voice recordings were helpful to hear the changes that happened really slowly
    • Vocal chords thicken but don’t change as much after you’re done growing
    • Made a big difference to being misgendered, especially over the phone
    • Generally done changing by about 18 months
    • Partner experience
      • Had a fun time with the voice change
      • Making fun of the cracking, drawing attention to something that was affirming
      • My voice started sounding higher in comparison (caused voice dysphoria for myself)
        • Worked on lowering my own range
  • Facial Hair
    • Very slow – mustache and side burns and under-chin hair first, very slowly filled in
    • Helps with passing from afar
    • Lots of euphoria
    • Lots of time spent staring up close in a mirror
    • Partner Experience
      • Enjoyed scruffing his beard, trying to encourage it to grow
      • Eventually had to encourage him to shave which he had a big resistance to
  • Body Hair
    • Lots more on thighs, forearm hair thickened, more on tummy
    • More fascinating than facial hair growth because it was less expected
    • Grew a lot at the beginning, then slowed down a lot but has continued
    • Partner Experience
      • Not much need to adapt to this as it wasn’t a huge change and has been fairly slow
  • Increased Temperature
    • Lots of overheating initially on T but has since improved
    • Especially when exercising which was very frustrating
      • Better after top surgery which meant he was comfortable exercising without a shirt on
    • Partner Experience
      • Used him as a heating pad
      • Wildly different environmental temperature requirements
      • Unable to exercise together for a while
  • Menstruation and Lower Changes
    • Periods stopped almost right away
      • Might be related to already having an IUD in
    • Other changes in downstairs anatomy that we did not discuss (go look them up if you’re interested/need to know)
  • Strength
    • Baseline strength increased without trying
      • Could suddenly lift tires more easily which felt weird
      • Didn’t need to workout to increase strength
    • Noticeable only when doing things, not all the time (like facial hair) so often took him by surprise
    • Partner Experience
      • Felt so much weaker by comparison!
      • Jealous of his strength and easy muscle gain when he was working out
      • Fun to see his confidence increase with his awareness of his strength
  • Body Shape
    • Very delayed and slow
    • Fat distribution changes – less on hips and thighs, more on belly
    • Changes within face – less in cheeks, more to jaw
      • Gives appearance of wider jaw even though bone structure isn’t changing

Emotional Changes

  • Concerns before taking hormones about becoming angry and raging
    • We were told that it augments emotions that are already present – if you’re an angry person, you might feel more angry but if you’re not, you won’t just suddenly become angry
  • Hormonal fluctuations definitely makes people generally more emotional just like typical puberty
    • As an adult there are adult expectations and responsibilities you have to manage while having mood swings
    • Hopefully have more coping skills as an adult
  • Less sadness, more channeled into frustration
  • Initially quire irritable but calmed down within a few months
  • Less emotional range and less nuance
    • Doesn’t feel wrong or repressed or stunted
    • Feels normal, the way his emotions should have been from the beginning
  • Less emotionally triggered, less emotionally invested
    • Maybe due to increased confidence
    • Seems more aloof but as a guy, people don’t particularly care (aloofness is somewhat expected)
  • Confidence increased which is difficult to measure as the person going through it
    • As a partner, this was easiest to see as compared to the rest of the emotional experience
      • Less social anxiety
      • More comfort in masculine clothes
      • Was very cool to see and very much offset any mild discomfort I had with the physical or emotional changes
  • Partner Role
    • Being a sounding board
    • Encouraging him to express the huge emotions when he wasn’t used to having them or having so much of them
    • Suggested a variety of positive outlets for emotions

Looking Back 2.5 Years on T

  • Lots of euphoria from HRT but at the time was painfully slow
    • Celebrated every little change we saw and made a big deal out of them
    • This was the good stuff during all the frustrations of accessing medical care and getting legal documents changed
  • Looking forward to more facial hair, body hair, and body shape changes
  • What will happened during the age of menopause/andropause? We have no idea!

Nonbinary Identities and HRT

  • Can take low dose to have fewer and slower changes
    • ‘Micro-dosing’
    • Can stop after the voice change but before much hair growth
  • I have minimal consistent physical dysphoria, no particular desire for facial or body hair changes, minimal voice dysphoria which I dealt with by working on my range
    • Also trying to get pregnant so would not be able to be on T currently
  • Open to it in the future if I ever felt like I needed it

Next episode: Top surgery!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E5: Social Transition: Coming Out At Work

OVERVIEW

Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.

Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.

We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s process for coming out at work

Preparation

  • Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
  • Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
    • They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
  • Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them

Tipping Point

  • Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
  • Told team lead in advance
  • Had written an email
  • Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
    • Generally supportive
  • Sent email to whole department
    • Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
  • Told other higher-ups
    • One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
    • Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)

Challenges

  • Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
  • Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
  • Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
    • Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
    • She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing

Bathrooms

  • Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
  • Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
  • Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
    • Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
  • Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
  • Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
  • Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR

Looking Back

  • Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
  • Fighting on all fronts
  • Exhausting and circular and convoluted

Did People Adapt?

  • Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
  • An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
  • Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
    • Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
  • People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
  • Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
    • Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
    • Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots

Other Interesting Situations

  • Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
    • Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
  • People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity

Partner Experience

  • Could only be a cheerleader
  • Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
  • Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
    • Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
    • Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
    • Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
    • Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
  • Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
    • Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
    • More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
  • Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
  • Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
    • Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
  • Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work

  • Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
  • Half the people I interact with are strangers
  • Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
    • Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
  • Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
  • Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
  • I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct

Jake’s experience as a partner

  • Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
  • Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
  • Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E4: Social Transition: Coming Out To Family

OVERVIEW

Coming out to friends and family is a long process that involves lots of uncertainty, strategy, and a bit of luck. We discuss Jake’s process of coming out as a trans man and Meaghan Ray’s experience of that process as his partner, including how this process went for us, what methods we used to come out to people, what emotions we experienced, and what responses we got.

We also discuss Meaghan Ray’s experiences of coming out as non-binary so far (still early on in the process), Jake’s experience of being their partner, and how their two experiences are similar or different.

You can find the audio for the episode at the bottom of the page or subscribe to Let’s Talk Gender in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

The following is Jake’s coming out process and Meaghan Ray’s experience as his partner.

Who to come out to first?

  • Friends, then close family, then work, then extended /more questionable family, then strangers
  • Everyone’s process will be different
    • Start with the people that will be most likely to be supportive and work your way up to the least supportive people

Partner Experience during closeted and early coming out phase

  • Various pronouns depending on the situation and who was present – female, male, neutral, avoiding pronouns altogether
  • Still trying to get used to his new identity so using female pronouns made that harder
  • Lasted about 4 months
  • Didn’t realize the toll that this took until about 8 months later (caused fairly severe burnout)
  • Got used to doing a quick check in before each social situation of who’s going to be there, who are you out to, is it worth going out, which name and pronouns are we using?

Coming out to family

  • Thought it would be similar to coming out as gay but it really wasn’t
    • Being trans is about who you are and requires them to do a lot more work – change how they think of you and how they refer to you
  • Started with the first few people who were most likely to have a positive to neutral response and who had less direct impact
    • Didn’t judge all of those correctly but overall it went ok
    • Be open to any response they have
    • Keep safety in mind
  • First part felt like it went really slow
    • Few people know and if they’re hanging out with people who don’t know it gets very stressful
    • Asking people to hold back on gendering you correctly which slows down their process of coming to terms with it
  • Eventually there is a tipping point where it’s easier just to have everyone know

Coming out to partner’s family/long distance family

  • Multiple conversations
  • Expecting close family to come out to other members of the family for you does not work – you end up having to do it yourself
  • Mostly done through email with generally positive, supportive responses
  • Follow up conversations at face-to-face gatherings
  • Took them longer to adjust but generally had less impact on us
  • Partner can do more of the work, especially with the follow up conversations

Methods for coming out

  • Face-to-face is the hardest, tended to avoid that if possible
  • Sent lots of emails in the early stages
  • Wrote a letter and read it out face-to-face
  • Sent lots of shorter emails to the more extended family
  • Facebook/social media for general public, past friends, far extended family

Responses to coming out conversations

  • Told close family early on that he was thinking about it/working on it as a warning that transition might be coming
  • Told them a while later that he for sure was trans but they didn’t seem to understand that there was much difference from the first convo
  • No change in pronouns or name
  • Had a family wedding coming up that necessitated telling Jake’s brother
    • First person to appropriately change pronouns, name, and referents (brother) and introduced him that way at the wedding
  • His family realized that they were the only ones referring to him with female name and pronouns and suddenly was making it more unsafe for him
    • Kick started their use of proper name and pronouns in an unexpected way
    • Positive effect of strangers getting name/pronouns correct around family that is getting it incorrect
  • Was a high risk, high reward situation
  • Realized afterwards that family had been reluctant to change likely out of fear for his safety (when he wasn’t passing yet)
    • What they didn’t realize (and what we didn’t understand early enough to explain to them) was that the toll on his psychological safety was worse than the physical safety risk that they perceived

Partner experience during early stages of being out to family

  • At the beginning, tried to hang out with them and refer to Jake in third person as much as possible to set a good example
    • Complete opposite from previous stage where we tried to use second person or no pronouns as much as possible
  • Really enjoyed being able to refer to Jake correctly, felt good about setting a good example and trying to help
  • When they were not getting it at all, it got very difficult to hang out with them
    • Jake wanted them to figure it out at their own pace and didn’t want to correct them
    • Started getting angry with them too easily and had to not hang out with them as much (until they suddenly figured it out at the wedding)
  • Once they figured it out, it was much easier to hang out with them again
    • Started correcting themselves, correcting each other

Correcting others when you get misgendered

  • Often happens in larger groups or in the middle of a conversation
  • Don’t want to derail a conversation or become the center of attention
  • Will remind them via text message later if they do it repeatedly without correcting themselves
  • Much better if someone else corrects them for you because you automatically have an ally and don’t have to make yourself vulnerable in order to stand up for yourself
  • Always takes emotional energy so it’s a balance of how much pain it’s causing you vs how much energy you have to spend to correct them

Emotions during coming out to family

  • Transition from questioning stage to coming out stage was the hardest
  • Fear, nervousness, what if someone becomes vengeful, actively negative
  • Questions about which family would chose to never talk to me again
  • Can’t base people’s reactions to you being trans on how they reacted to you being gay
  • Eventually reached a tipping point of it is more difficult to live in the closet than the fear of how people would react
  • Realization of how many people you actually have in your family
    • Exhaustion, frustration, unending
  • False urgency to tell everyone as soon as he started hormones because changes would be happening and people would notice
    • Didn’t happen nearly as fast as he felt like it would
    • Wanted changes to happen faster to help people have an external reference for changing name and pronouns

Mental vs physical image and adjusting to new identity

  • Lots of detailed conversations between us where Jake explained how he saw himself and would feel most comfortable which helped Meaghan Ray change their mental image of him earlier than anyone else would be able to
    • Made it easy for me to use correct pronouns well before any physical changes
  • Other people don’t get to have those detailed conversations and therefore can’t change their mental image because they don’t know what to change it to
    • Often do much better after physical changes start happening
  • Family have known you longest and will have the strongest mental image of you pre-transition
  • 5% rule: people will take up to 5% of the time they have known you to get used to new name and pronouns

Partner emotions during coming out to family

  • Fear, mostly for psychological well-being as he was having lots of difficult conversations
    • Kept my phone on me at all times
  • Tried to provide lots of validation and support so he had at least one positive influence
  • Offered to go with him when he would be having those conversations
  • Still didn’t really understand how hard those conversations were and how things were going
    • Had to ask really specific questions in order to find out because he didn’t want to make it harder for me and did not have any more energy to spend on another gender based conversation

Burnout lasts a long time

  • Still nervous about talking about gender and transition because there is a conditioned response that those conversations will lead to something huge and exhausting
  • Reviewing past experiences is much easier than talking about current ones
  • If you are the second person to transition in your immediate family or even within your relationship, those around you might have a hard time as a result of the residual burnout from past experiences with it

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out as non-binary

  • Even harder than coming out as binary trans
    • The person you are coming out to already has an idea of what you mean by ‘male’ or ‘female’
    • Most people do not have that reference for ‘nonbinary’
    • Requires a lot more sex and gender 101 education to work up to getting them to understand which puts them in information overload
  • Really, all I’d be asking is for them to use they/them pronouns and maybe a different name and even that seems to be extremely hard for people to do
    • We use they/them automatically all the time but when people are asked to do it consciously, apparently it messes with their brain and they can’t do it
  • Takes so much energy that I haven’t done a lot of coming out to family yet
    • Something else always seems more important to talk about when visiting with family
    • Sent an email with an explanation but haven’t talked about it since
    • Good sibling support, will likely help my family come around but want to have those conversations with my parents first
  • Will likely have those conversations with close family once I’m pregnant/having a kid and have more extended visits with them and potentially more gender-based discomfort

Jake’s experience as Meaghan Ray’s partner

  • Trying to avoid pronouns at all costs
    • Awkward pauses, reorganizing sentences
  • Being supportive while Meaghan Ray is slowly working up to coming out
    • Spending a long time in limbo
  • Can’t be fully invested because limbo causes burnout and limbo will last much longer

The coming out equation

  • Deciding when you’re ready to come out will be different for everyone
  • How uncomfortable it is to be misgendered vs how hard it will be to come out and how much benefit you will get
    • Very different answers to this equation for each of us

Every coming out process is different and personal but inevitably affects and involves the people around you.

Join us next week when we talk about coming out at work.

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Gay vs Trans

There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay.

Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay and non-binary and my husband’s experiences of being gay and trans. We both identified as gay first, and later discovered and expressed our non-cis gender identities.

SIMILARITIES

  • Incorrectly assumed to be the default (cis or straight)
  • Living with confusion and feeling like you don’t fit in before you know why
  • Have to figure out your identity
  • Have to ‘come out of the closet’ ie tell other people
  • Dealing with fear of rejection, prejudice, loss of housing or work as a result of coming out
  • Excitement and comfort of finding people that have the same/similar identity/experiences as you
  • Culture, experiences, and history specific to queer community
  • Lots of different terminology, language, and labels
  • Different interaction with people in your community than people outside of it
  • Risk to physical and psychological safety by living authentically
  • Pride parades, pride month, pride flags and symbols
  • Being labeled by strangers (often incorrectly) based on how you look or who you’re with
  • Often become parents via alternative fertility methods, surrogacy, or adoption
  • Prejudice in health care and legal systems (significantly worse for trans identities but present for both)
  • Lack of appropriate/relevant sex education

DIFFERENCES

  • Who you like vs who you are ie sexuality vs gender
  • Gender based experiences and identities are much less understood and accepted by the general public than sexuality based ones (though this wasn’t always the case and we hope to get to the same place with acceptance of gender identities)
    • Significant energy has to be put towards educating the people around you when you come out as trans that isn’t necessary when coming out as gay
  • Coming out as gay requires the other person to change how they refer to your partner (if you have one) whereas coming out as trans requires them to change how they refer to you (which takes a lot more work on their part)
  • Dysphoria with trans identities that doesn’t relate to gay identities
  • Possibility of medical intervention and changes to legal documents with transition
  • Difficulty accessing appropriate/competent medical care as a trans person when it wasn’t a problem as a gay person
  • Gay community is readily available and easy to find while trans community is much smaller and harder to find
  • Extreme shift in privilege with transition that is much less pronounced with coming out as gay
  • Most trans people pick a new name, gay people don’t

If you have anything you’d like to add to these lists, leave me a comment below!

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