Tag: Transition

Let’s Talk Gender S1E6: Medical Transition: HRT

OVERVIEW

The changes with HRT are some of the most positive and euphoric aspects of transition. We talk about Jake’s experience with Testosterone and going through his second puberty. He talks about all the different physical changes and the emotional changes as well. We also discuss what it was like as his partner adapting to those changes.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s Experience Taking Testosterone

  • Typical trans narrative is based on changes with HRT
    • External, obvious changes
    • Most socially acceptable aspect of transition to ask about
    • Lots of YouTube videos and picture timelines
      • Can be fascinating to show what the body does on HRT but also gives you an idea what to expect (though everyone is different)
  • So much variability
    • Will loosely end up similar to cis men that you are related to
    • Also depends on age, dosage, etc

Accessing Hormones

  • Referral from psychologist to gender psychiatrist
  • Previously required psychiatrist referral to endocrinology but very recently could get a referral from family doctor (most family docs were not aware or comfortable doing this)
  • Wanted to start HRT right away but had to wait to see gender psychiatrist
    • Came out to family doc who then refused to refer to endocrinolgy
      • Wasn’t up to date and wasn’t willing to trust our word enough to seek out more information
    • Found another family doctor who was recommended through the community who was prescribing hormones using informed consent
  • Started Testosterone!
    • Regular family doctor followed up with blood work and adjustments to dose
  • Waited another 6 months to see endocrinology (supposed to see them max 3 months after starting)

Physical Changes

  • Voice
    • Started a few weeks after starting T
    • Voice got a bit husky, thick, then started cracking, then eventually settled into the lower range
    • Voice recordings were helpful to hear the changes that happened really slowly
    • Vocal chords thicken but don’t change as much after you’re done growing
    • Made a big difference to being misgendered, especially over the phone
    • Generally done changing by about 18 months
    • Partner experience
      • Had a fun time with the voice change
      • Making fun of the cracking, drawing attention to something that was affirming
      • My voice started sounding higher in comparison (caused voice dysphoria for myself)
        • Worked on lowering my own range
  • Facial Hair
    • Very slow – mustache and side burns and under-chin hair first, very slowly filled in
    • Helps with passing from afar
    • Lots of euphoria
    • Lots of time spent staring up close in a mirror
    • Partner Experience
      • Enjoyed scruffing his beard, trying to encourage it to grow
      • Eventually had to encourage him to shave which he had a big resistance to
  • Body Hair
    • Lots more on thighs, forearm hair thickened, more on tummy
    • More fascinating than facial hair growth because it was less expected
    • Grew a lot at the beginning, then slowed down a lot but has continued
    • Partner Experience
      • Not much need to adapt to this as it wasn’t a huge change and has been fairly slow
  • Increased Temperature
    • Lots of overheating initially on T but has since improved
    • Especially when exercising which was very frustrating
      • Better after top surgery which meant he was comfortable exercising without a shirt on
    • Partner Experience
      • Used him as a heating pad
      • Wildly different environmental temperature requirements
      • Unable to exercise together for a while
  • Menstruation and Lower Changes
    • Periods stopped almost right away
      • Might be related to already having an IUD in
    • Other changes in downstairs anatomy that we did not discuss (go look them up if you’re interested/need to know)
  • Strength
    • Baseline strength increased without trying
      • Could suddenly lift tires more easily which felt weird
      • Didn’t need to workout to increase strength
    • Noticeable only when doing things, not all the time (like facial hair) so often took him by surprise
    • Partner Experience
      • Felt so much weaker by comparison!
      • Jealous of his strength and easy muscle gain when he was working out
      • Fun to see his confidence increase with his awareness of his strength
  • Body Shape
    • Very delayed and slow
    • Fat distribution changes – less on hips and thighs, more on belly
    • Changes within face – less in cheeks, more to jaw
      • Gives appearance of wider jaw even though bone structure isn’t changing

Emotional Changes

  • Concerns before taking hormones about becoming angry and raging
    • We were told that it augments emotions that are already present – if you’re an angry person, you might feel more angry but if you’re not, you won’t just suddenly become angry
  • Hormonal fluctuations definitely makes people generally more emotional just like typical puberty
    • As an adult there are adult expectations and responsibilities you have to manage while having mood swings
    • Hopefully have more coping skills as an adult
  • Less sadness, more channeled into frustration
  • Initially quire irritable but calmed down within a few months
  • Less emotional range and less nuance
    • Doesn’t feel wrong or repressed or stunted
    • Feels normal, the way his emotions should have been from the beginning
  • Less emotionally triggered, less emotionally invested
    • Maybe due to increased confidence
    • Seems more aloof but as a guy, people don’t particularly care (aloofness is somewhat expected)
  • Confidence increased which is difficult to measure as the person going through it
    • As a partner, this was easiest to see as compared to the rest of the emotional experience
      • Less social anxiety
      • More comfort in masculine clothes
      • Was very cool to see and very much offset any mild discomfort I had with the physical or emotional changes
  • Partner Role
    • Being a sounding board
    • Encouraging him to express the huge emotions when he wasn’t used to having them or having so much of them
    • Suggested a variety of positive outlets for emotions

Looking Back 2.5 Years on T

  • Lots of euphoria from HRT but at the time was painfully slow
    • Celebrated every little change we saw and made a big deal out of them
    • This was the good stuff during all the frustrations of accessing medical care and getting legal documents changed
  • Looking forward to more facial hair, body hair, and body shape changes
  • What will happened during the age of menopause/andropause? We have no idea!

Nonbinary Identities and HRT

  • Can take low dose to have fewer and slower changes
    • ‘Micro-dosing’
    • Can stop after the voice change but before much hair growth
  • I have minimal consistent physical dysphoria, no particular desire for facial or body hair changes, minimal voice dysphoria which I dealt with by working on my range
    • Also trying to get pregnant so would not be able to be on T currently
  • Open to it in the future if I ever felt like I needed it

Next episode: Top surgery!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E5: Social Transition: Coming Out At Work

OVERVIEW

Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.

Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.

We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s process for coming out at work

Preparation

  • Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
  • Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
    • They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
  • Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them

Tipping Point

  • Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
  • Told team lead in advance
  • Had written an email
  • Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
    • Generally supportive
  • Sent email to whole department
    • Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
  • Told other higher-ups
    • One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
    • Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)

Challenges

  • Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
  • Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
  • Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
    • Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
    • She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing

Bathrooms

  • Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
  • Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
  • Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
    • Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
  • Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
  • Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
  • Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR

Looking Back

  • Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
  • Fighting on all fronts
  • Exhausting and circular and convoluted

Did People Adapt?

  • Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
  • An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
  • Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
    • Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
  • People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
  • Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
    • Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
    • Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots

Other Interesting Situations

  • Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
    • Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
  • People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity

Partner Experience

  • Could only be a cheerleader
  • Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
  • Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
    • Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
    • Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
    • Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
    • Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
  • Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
    • Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
    • More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
  • Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
  • Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
    • Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
  • Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work

  • Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
  • Half the people I interact with are strangers
  • Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
    • Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
  • Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
  • Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
  • I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct

Jake’s experience as a partner

  • Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
  • Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
  • Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E4: Social Transition: Coming Out To Family

OVERVIEW

Coming out to friends and family is a long process that involves lots of uncertainty, strategy, and a bit of luck. We discuss Jake’s process of coming out as a trans man and Meaghan Ray’s experience of that process as his partner, including how this process went for us, what methods we used to come out to people, what emotions we experienced, and what responses we got.

We also discuss Meaghan Ray’s experiences of coming out as non-binary so far (still early on in the process), Jake’s experience of being their partner, and how their two experiences are similar or different.

You can find the audio for the episode at the bottom of the page or subscribe to Let’s Talk Gender in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

The following is Jake’s coming out process and Meaghan Ray’s experience as his partner.

Who to come out to first?

  • Friends, then close family, then work, then extended /more questionable family, then strangers
  • Everyone’s process will be different
    • Start with the people that will be most likely to be supportive and work your way up to the least supportive people

Partner Experience during closeted and early coming out phase

  • Various pronouns depending on the situation and who was present – female, male, neutral, avoiding pronouns altogether
  • Still trying to get used to his new identity so using female pronouns made that harder
  • Lasted about 4 months
  • Didn’t realize the toll that this took until about 8 months later (caused fairly severe burnout)
  • Got used to doing a quick check in before each social situation of who’s going to be there, who are you out to, is it worth going out, which name and pronouns are we using?

Coming out to family

  • Thought it would be similar to coming out as gay but it really wasn’t
    • Being trans is about who you are and requires them to do a lot more work – change how they think of you and how they refer to you
  • Started with the first few people who were most likely to have a positive to neutral response and who had less direct impact
    • Didn’t judge all of those correctly but overall it went ok
    • Be open to any response they have
    • Keep safety in mind
  • First part felt like it went really slow
    • Few people know and if they’re hanging out with people who don’t know it gets very stressful
    • Asking people to hold back on gendering you correctly which slows down their process of coming to terms with it
  • Eventually there is a tipping point where it’s easier just to have everyone know

Coming out to partner’s family/long distance family

  • Multiple conversations
  • Expecting close family to come out to other members of the family for you does not work – you end up having to do it yourself
  • Mostly done through email with generally positive, supportive responses
  • Follow up conversations at face-to-face gatherings
  • Took them longer to adjust but generally had less impact on us
  • Partner can do more of the work, especially with the follow up conversations

Methods for coming out

  • Face-to-face is the hardest, tended to avoid that if possible
  • Sent lots of emails in the early stages
  • Wrote a letter and read it out face-to-face
  • Sent lots of shorter emails to the more extended family
  • Facebook/social media for general public, past friends, far extended family

Responses to coming out conversations

  • Told close family early on that he was thinking about it/working on it as a warning that transition might be coming
  • Told them a while later that he for sure was trans but they didn’t seem to understand that there was much difference from the first convo
  • No change in pronouns or name
  • Had a family wedding coming up that necessitated telling Jake’s brother
    • First person to appropriately change pronouns, name, and referents (brother) and introduced him that way at the wedding
  • His family realized that they were the only ones referring to him with female name and pronouns and suddenly was making it more unsafe for him
    • Kick started their use of proper name and pronouns in an unexpected way
    • Positive effect of strangers getting name/pronouns correct around family that is getting it incorrect
  • Was a high risk, high reward situation
  • Realized afterwards that family had been reluctant to change likely out of fear for his safety (when he wasn’t passing yet)
    • What they didn’t realize (and what we didn’t understand early enough to explain to them) was that the toll on his psychological safety was worse than the physical safety risk that they perceived

Partner experience during early stages of being out to family

  • At the beginning, tried to hang out with them and refer to Jake in third person as much as possible to set a good example
    • Complete opposite from previous stage where we tried to use second person or no pronouns as much as possible
  • Really enjoyed being able to refer to Jake correctly, felt good about setting a good example and trying to help
  • When they were not getting it at all, it got very difficult to hang out with them
    • Jake wanted them to figure it out at their own pace and didn’t want to correct them
    • Started getting angry with them too easily and had to not hang out with them as much (until they suddenly figured it out at the wedding)
  • Once they figured it out, it was much easier to hang out with them again
    • Started correcting themselves, correcting each other

Correcting others when you get misgendered

  • Often happens in larger groups or in the middle of a conversation
  • Don’t want to derail a conversation or become the center of attention
  • Will remind them via text message later if they do it repeatedly without correcting themselves
  • Much better if someone else corrects them for you because you automatically have an ally and don’t have to make yourself vulnerable in order to stand up for yourself
  • Always takes emotional energy so it’s a balance of how much pain it’s causing you vs how much energy you have to spend to correct them

Emotions during coming out to family

  • Transition from questioning stage to coming out stage was the hardest
  • Fear, nervousness, what if someone becomes vengeful, actively negative
  • Questions about which family would chose to never talk to me again
  • Can’t base people’s reactions to you being trans on how they reacted to you being gay
  • Eventually reached a tipping point of it is more difficult to live in the closet than the fear of how people would react
  • Realization of how many people you actually have in your family
    • Exhaustion, frustration, unending
  • False urgency to tell everyone as soon as he started hormones because changes would be happening and people would notice
    • Didn’t happen nearly as fast as he felt like it would
    • Wanted changes to happen faster to help people have an external reference for changing name and pronouns

Mental vs physical image and adjusting to new identity

  • Lots of detailed conversations between us where Jake explained how he saw himself and would feel most comfortable which helped Meaghan Ray change their mental image of him earlier than anyone else would be able to
    • Made it easy for me to use correct pronouns well before any physical changes
  • Other people don’t get to have those detailed conversations and therefore can’t change their mental image because they don’t know what to change it to
    • Often do much better after physical changes start happening
  • Family have known you longest and will have the strongest mental image of you pre-transition
  • 5% rule: people will take up to 5% of the time they have known you to get used to new name and pronouns

Partner emotions during coming out to family

  • Fear, mostly for psychological well-being as he was having lots of difficult conversations
    • Kept my phone on me at all times
  • Tried to provide lots of validation and support so he had at least one positive influence
  • Offered to go with him when he would be having those conversations
  • Still didn’t really understand how hard those conversations were and how things were going
    • Had to ask really specific questions in order to find out because he didn’t want to make it harder for me and did not have any more energy to spend on another gender based conversation

Burnout lasts a long time

  • Still nervous about talking about gender and transition because there is a conditioned response that those conversations will lead to something huge and exhausting
  • Reviewing past experiences is much easier than talking about current ones
  • If you are the second person to transition in your immediate family or even within your relationship, those around you might have a hard time as a result of the residual burnout from past experiences with it

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out as non-binary

  • Even harder than coming out as binary trans
    • The person you are coming out to already has an idea of what you mean by ‘male’ or ‘female’
    • Most people do not have that reference for ‘nonbinary’
    • Requires a lot more sex and gender 101 education to work up to getting them to understand which puts them in information overload
  • Really, all I’d be asking is for them to use they/them pronouns and maybe a different name and even that seems to be extremely hard for people to do
    • We use they/them automatically all the time but when people are asked to do it consciously, apparently it messes with their brain and they can’t do it
  • Takes so much energy that I haven’t done a lot of coming out to family yet
    • Something else always seems more important to talk about when visiting with family
    • Sent an email with an explanation but haven’t talked about it since
    • Good sibling support, will likely help my family come around but want to have those conversations with my parents first
  • Will likely have those conversations with close family once I’m pregnant/having a kid and have more extended visits with them and potentially more gender-based discomfort

Jake’s experience as Meaghan Ray’s partner

  • Trying to avoid pronouns at all costs
    • Awkward pauses, reorganizing sentences
  • Being supportive while Meaghan Ray is slowly working up to coming out
    • Spending a long time in limbo
  • Can’t be fully invested because limbo causes burnout and limbo will last much longer

The coming out equation

  • Deciding when you’re ready to come out will be different for everyone
  • How uncomfortable it is to be misgendered vs how hard it will be to come out and how much benefit you will get
    • Very different answers to this equation for each of us

Every coming out process is different and personal but inevitably affects and involves the people around you.

Join us next week when we talk about coming out at work.

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Prioritizing Together Time

Whether you are in a relationship or have a close friend or family member that you rely on for support, prioritizing time with them is especially important if you are questioning your gender or transitioning.

Any exploration or change in our gender identity and presentation is a big change that very much affects the people around us. Close relationships only remain close if we keep communicating to understand how each person is changing and growing so we can support or adjust as needed.

From my experience during my husband’s transition and my own gender exploration, I discovered there are a few different types of quality time that serve different purposes. We were not always good at using out together time to the best advantage but we definitely got better at it over time out of necessity. Hopefully, by sharing our experience, I can help you skip the muddling through process and keep your relationships strong right from the start.

TALKING TIME

Setting aside time to share how each of you is doing or discuss new thoughts and emotions is the most important. These conversations can take a lot of energy but they are the core of what will maintain your mutual understanding and support.

These conversations can be intense, draining, and difficult. Here are some ideas you can try that might make them easier:

  • Schedule a regular check-in time that includes self care strategies before and/or after (journaling, exercise, creative expression, time in nature, etc).
  • Have these talks in a safe and isolated environment such as the bedroom (ie pillow talk), the car, or when you’re out for a walk together.
  • Write down some notes in advance if you get easily emotionally overwhelmed and have difficulty expressing yourself or staying present in the conversation.
  • Request a conversation to give the other person some warning. If this is helpful but also makes them anxious with wondering what it’s about, you can use a shorthand to define the parameters – Is it a you thing, me thing, or us thing? What is the general topic? Is it a big thing, a medium thing, or a small thing?
  • Try NOT to think of these conversations as a one-off for any topic. It’s important that you have a chance to come back to anything you have discussed previously to delve deeper, clarify or adjust how you explained yourself or how you understood each other, or to have another opportunity to explore, express, or process the same emotions or situation.

ACTIVITY TIME

Spending time doing something that you mutually enjoy is also really important. This is a way to take a break from the gender based conversations and maintain your bond based on previous activities. You can choose activities that are not inherently gender based or dysphoria inducing or agree to not discuss gender based topics during the course of a particular activity or day.

These activities may need to be adjusted somewhat if they trigger dysphoria. Be self-aware and honest about this. Sacrificing your well-being and hiding your discomfort defeats the purpose of doing something you both enjoy to strengthen the relationship. Finding new ways to enjoy the things you bonded over will initially take a bit of effort, communication, and time, but the pay-off is well worth it.

EXPLORATION TIME

Maybe you are exploring your gender and need a sounding board, someone to go shopping with, or someone to be your safety buddy when trying out a new presentation in public for the first time. Maybe you have started hormones or are having surgery and your body and emotions are changing and your partner or close support person needs time to explore these changes with you so they can get used to them.

These moments of exploration can happen spontaneously or be part of a planned activity. They are particularly important for intimate relationships but are also helpful for other close relationships.

Some examples of this are when I would feel my husband’s facial hair as it grew in or ran my hands down his chest when he was wearing a binder or post top surgery to get used to the change, or when we took a vacation trip where we explored different names and pronouns for him.

The exploration time is mutually beneficial. It can help the transitioning person be more confident in exploring something new or doing something scary. It can also be euphoric for the transitioning person and help them see their partner/support person being curious and making the effort to adjust. And of course, it includes the partner/support person in the transition process, helps them adjust their mental image of the transitioning person, and adjust to new changes.

SHARING SPACE

Sometimes all you need is to be in the same space together. You can be doing completely different things and not talking to each other at all, but just feeling the other person’s presence can be a balm against the irritation, frustration, and exhaustion from interacting with the rest of the world and navigating transition.

Acknowledging each other’s presence in small ways helps strengthen the value of this time. Whether it’s staying within view, checking in with each other with a look, a touch, or a few words, or sharing some aspect of the space while you’re doing different things (ie listening to the same music or watching the same TV show), this helps turn two people doing separate activities into quality time.

I hope these descriptions of different types and purposes of together time help you be more purposeful and effective with maintaining strong relationships during transition or other big life changes.

If you have other suggestions for together time, please leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E2: Transition Timelines

OVERVIEW

Transitioning is a slow, often frustrating, ongoing process. It can roughly be broken down into four phases: personal, social, medical, and legal. We discuss the general timeline of each phase and how they overlapped for Jake’s transition from female to male. At the end, Meaghan Ray shares what their transition has included so far.

SHOW NOTES

General Thoughts on Transitioning

  • Typical FTM trans narrative
    • Binary transition from one to the other
    • Medical system sees it as a treatment to change from one to the other
  • In reality, it’s a slow frustrating process
    • No sudden tipping point or specific end point
  • Non-binary transition is even more vague
    • Often have to fake a binary identity to get the medical care you need
    • Wide variety of social, medical, and legal changes
  • Generally made up of four stages
    • Personal transition: an exploration of your own identity
    • Social transition: the coming out process
    • Medical transition: any medical interventions that help ease dysphoria or increase gender euphoria (HRT, surgery, electrolysis, voice therapy)
    • Legal transition: changing name and gender marker on legal documents and with various institutions
  • Stages can overlap or blend into each other
  • Trans people do not need to go through all of these stages in order to transition or be considered trans.

Jake’s transition process:

Personal Transition

  • Longest stage
  • Began in 2015 until late 2016
  • Self-questioning, self-doubt, internal conflict
  • Talking to friends, looking things up on youtube
  • Found a therapist that was trans friendly that was familiar with the referral process
    • Referral to gender psychiatrist
  • Felt like the therapist and Meaghan Ray were much more convinced that it made sense and he would be going through with it than he was
  • Finally determined that he would be more comfortable living as a man
  • Personal exploration continues throughout transition
    • Getting used to body changes
    • Learning how to communicate your identity
    • Learning how to navigate new social status and changes in privilege

Social Transition

  • Came out to parents with a message of ‘I’ve been thinking about this, I’m exploring this’
  • Different approaches to coming out
    • Emails, letters, face to face
  • You realize how many people you have in your life
    • Very overwhelming and exhausting
  • Started with the people who would be most likely to be supportive
    • Didn’t always work out as planned but generally helped build support
  • We were hoping that some people we told would pass on the information to others but it never actually worked out
    • Ended up having to tell them ourselves
  • Reactions
    • Some people changed name and pronouns right away
    • Some people needed to be told multiple times and are still misgendering Jake (in late 2019)

Medical Transition

  • Lots of gatekeepers
  • Gender psychologist – referral to gender psychiatrist in summer 2016
  • Gender psychiatrist in summer 2017 on a cancellation
    • Referrals for endocrine and surgery consult
  • Family doctor who was willing to write prescriptions for HRT – started Testosterone in May 2017
    • Turned out to be an easy process once he built up the courage to ask the affirming doctor
  • Top surgery consult in fall 2017, didn’t feel good about the two year wait or the type of surgery offered
  • Had top surgery done at a private clinic (paying out of pocket) in April 2018
  • Hysterectomy in October 2018
  • Potential for bottom surgery in future – would require another visit to gender psychiatrist to get referrals to surgery and separate referral for funding
  • Got most of the information about who is allowed to make referrals, who is willing to make referrals, who is accepting referrals, and what the wait times are through the trans community
    • Connections to community are very important

Legal Transition

  • Different process in each province or local area
  • First item was a piece of paper stating that [previous legal name] is transitioning from F to M that officially explains why you don’t look like the picture on your ID
    • Important during the stage when you’re already on hormones and presenting differently but haven’t yet changed any ID
  • Name and gender marker change document that requires fingerprinting
    • Submitted in Aug 2017, received it in October 2017
  • Immediately got driver’s license changed
    • Felt safer in general but now had conflicting documentation with national documents
  • So many different documents that needed changing
    • SIN card
    • Banking information, loans, mortgages, credit score
    • Marriage certificate
    • School records, work ID, email addresses
  • National documents were the hardest
    • Birth certificate took the longest due to waiting for laws to change – finally done in summer 2018
  • Took over a year
    • No international travel
    • Lots of stress, confusion, frustration

Transition is never completely finished

  • Will always be people to come out to or correct, medical history to explain, and documents that pop up that don’t match

Meaghan Ray’s Process:

  • No medical or legal transition yet
  • Personal transition started with a genderqueer experience back in grade 10
    • Ignored it, put it away until Jake’s transition provided more language, strategies, and community to give myself space to explore it
  • Tracked my gender and explored it for a bit
  • Have just started coming out to friends and family and coworkers one at a time, very carefully
    • Limited understanding of what non-binary means so coming out requires a lot of educating
  • Will be an even longer, slower, more careful process than Jake’s
  • May be interested in some form of top surgery or legal gender marker or name change in the future

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Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice

Finding a balance between being a good support for the trans person in your life and your own mental health is extremely difficult. When do you follow their lead and put your own reservations and grief aside and when do you ask them to slow down to give you time to process the changes?

The most important thing to take into account is safety – both psychological and physical. In general, the trans person will experience the highest risk in both these areas. They may withdraw as a result – whether the risk to their safety is actual or perceived. But if they are maintaining a relationship with you and you are able to be a source of support, you also have to be aware of your own safety and the toll that being that support takes on you.

So if the trans person in your life wants to take the next step in transition (coming out, changing legal documents, taking hormones or blockers, surgery, etc) and you don’t feel ready, think about the risk to both yourself and them.

  • Will asking them to wait put them at higher risk either physically or psychologically or make them pull away from you?
    • Eg: They are ready to come out to the rest of the family but you aren’t sure how to have those conversations with everyone. They may avoid family gatherings as a result and you won’t get any better at having those conversations without practice.
    • Eg: They are out to everyone and want to start taking hormones but you are scared of what the changes will be.
  • Would you be asking them to wait for a specific length of time or ‘until you feel ready’?
    • If there is a specific reason or time frame, this might be acceptable as long as you explain your reasoning to the trans person in your life and they agree.
  • Are you actively working on learning about, processing, and grieving the changes that are happening by talking to your own supports (friends and therapist)?
    • If not, you have no right to ask the trans person to wait until you are ready.
    • If you are, but feel you still need more time, try to be as open and honest about why and what you think that extra time will provide you.
  • Is there a compromise that would minimize the risk to their safety but also allow you to continue processing at your own pace?
    • Eg: The trans person asking you to take all the pre-transition photos down makes you feel like they are robbing you of those memories. Instead of packing them away in a box, put them up in a room where the trans person won’t typically see them or make a photo album of them that you can flip though whenever you need to.
    • Eg: Starting your trans child on hormone blockers to delay puberty rather than withholding medical intervention until they are older because you don’t feel ready.

Every situation that feels hard for you to adapt to will be different in terms of how much risk each option poses to the trans person and yourself and whether there is an appropriate compromise. Finding a solution that protects and supports them while allowing you as much space as you can get takes lots of open communication. If the trans person in your life is not communicating with you, all you can do is talk to other trans people, get their opinions or suggestions and make your best guess. Support them whenever they do communicate with you and take care of yourself in other ways (talking to others, keeping pictures for yourself, keeping a journal, etc.)

If there is no option that reduces the risk for both of you you may need to step away for your safety or theirs and that’s okay. Try to be honest with the trans person in your life so they understand where you are coming from. If possible, help them connect with other resources that can provide some of the support that you can no longer offer.

Some vague thing in the future that may or may not be difficult for you is not a good reason to hold someone else back when they are struggling. In this case, you are letting fear stop you from being a good support. We can only process and grieve things that have already happened. And you may find that you don’t actually need to grieve as much as you anticipate. You may discover lots of things that you can celebrate that you didn’t know would happen.

Before change happens, all we have is fear. After it happens, we can see how much happier the person is, how much more confident, and that helps offset the pain and grief. It makes it worth the struggle. So try to find a way to be a good support that allows you to continue to participate in the process and be present. If you ignore your own process and grief, you will not be able to continue to be a good support for very long.

What parts of the transition process did you have the most difficulty processing and accepting? How did you communicate this to the trans person in your life? Did you find a compromise that worked for both of you? Leave me a comment below. Your experiences might help someone else in a similar situation.

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Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

  • Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
  • Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
  • Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
  • Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
  • Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
  • Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
  • Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
  • Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

  • Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
  • Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
  • Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
  • Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
  • Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
  • Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
  • Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
  • Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Lost and Found in Transition

LOST IN TRANSITION

With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming.

As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy.

  • Straightforward medical care
  • Access
  • Fertility
  • Familiarity
  • Safety
  • Security
  • Global travel
  • Friends
  • Family
  • Relationships
  • Relatability

Not everything you lose is negative. Some things that you lose are harder to recognize but should be celebrated.

  • Confusion
  • Pain
  • Boxes
  • Tension
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Walls
  • Ignorance

Grief allows you to make room for new and meaningful things. Change is growth. Processing what you have lost allows you to recognize what you have found.

FOUND IN TRANSITION

With any change comes many new things. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest.

Some changes you want. Some you just have to deal with.

Some are sudden and turn you upside down. Some you see coming forever. Some you only see in hindsight.

Some happen slowly whether you want them to or not. Some happen fast and force you to adapt.

  • Puberty 2.0
  • Body shape
  • Medications
  • Scars
  • Euphoria
  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Support
  • Deeper understanding
  • Pride
  • New identity
  • Openness

Big changes bring lots of new things. These are the building blocks of who you are and who you will be. Understand, accept, and celebrate the new things big and small.

This is the first zine I have created! Hope you like it. Find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters to see a video of what the zine looks like in full!

As always, please leave a comment below to tell me what you think!

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Name Options

Picking a new name is a quintessential part of gender transition. But not every trans person feels the need to change their name. Some are perfectly comfortable with their given name. Some have more than one name and use different ones depending on how they feel or who they’re with. This is my experience.

Meaghan

Meaghan is my given name and is not particularly gender neutral. But this doesn’t automatically mean I am uncomfortable with it. Most of the time, it feels like this name fits me. Even if I’m feeling more male, Meaghan still feels like it represents at least half of who I am so it doesn’t particularly feel wrong, just not wholly representative.

Ray

Ray is the name that I have always associated with the male part of my identity. At times when I am feeling more male than female, this name feels better than Meaghan. However, as a gender fluid person, there are many times when Ray would not feel comfortable so at the moment, legally or socially changing my name to Ray does not feel like a good option.

Meaghan Ray

This is my most preferred version of my name. I think of my name as being both Meaghan and Ray, almost as though it was hyphenated. I am considering changing my middle name to Ray so that it would appear this way on my documents. I have tried introducing myself using both names but everyone either thinks Ray is my last name and just uses Meaghan or just shortens it for ease unless I take the time to correct them or specify that I go by both names. But I am getting better at making it clear how I want to be referred to. And just knowing in my head that this name represents the whole of who I am, and especially knowing that this is how my husband thinks of me, is hugely helpful.

Meaghan With Occasional Ray

This is where I’m at right now. I typically go by Meaghan but use Ray in certain circles (ie with queer friends). The times when I get to use Ray are a breath of fresh air. They help me feel balanced. They help me feel seen. At times when I feel more male but I’m being called Meaghan, I can look forward to the next time I’ll be around friends who call me Ray.

Gender Neutral Alternative

For a while, I searched for either a way to combine Meaghan and Ray into a new name that was gender neutral or find a completely different name that would feel good more consistently than either one. But the more I searched, the more confident I became that these names are who I am. There are two separate parts of me and having two different names makes sense. Sure, navigating how I want to be identified is harder and more confusing for everyone around me but this is who I am. As I spend more time exploring my identity and building confidence, I get better and better at asking people to use the name that feels best at the time and correcting them when they get it wrong, just like with pronouns.

Just because you are trans does not mean you have to change your name. You can keep the one you were born with, use a different one occasionally, or combine two names if that feels best. If you are someone that feels perfectly content with your name even though you are not comfortable with your gender assigned at birth, this does not invalidate your identity or experience. I hope that sharing my experience with my names has helped give you more confidence with yours.

Please leave a comment below with your experience with names. Did you change yours, add a new part to it, or stick with the same one? I’d love to hear from you.

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