Tag: Pronouns

When Your Name or Pronouns Fluctuate

Many people that have a fluid gender identity use different names and/or pronouns at different times. Figuring out how to make this work for you can be a challenge, and then following through and making it happen is even harder.

I’m still learning how to do this but I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far.

KNOW YOURSELF

The first step to knowing what pronouns or name you prefer at a given time or in a given context is to figure out how your gender fluctuates. I did this by tracking my gender daily on a scale of 5 female to 0 neutral to 5 male for the span of a month and a half. You can make up whatever scale works for you.

I also made note of my other activities, habits, emotional state, and menstrual cycle. Correlating the shifts in my gender with these other factors gave me a much better sense of what influenced my gender and how the shifts in my gender influenced my mood and behaviour.

Tracking my gender daily forced me to check in with myself. I learned what to pay attention to within myself to indicate where my gender was sitting and what strategies would be useful to minimize dysphoria and maximize euphoria. This is a hugely important skill for anyone who’s gender fluctuates. Even now, a couple years after the gender tracking that I did, I am much more in tune with where my gender is sitting, when dysphoria is affecting me, and what I can do about it.

Once you know how much your gender fluctuates and what influences it, you can have a better idea of when you’d be more comfortable with one name or pronoun over another. This still takes real world testing to be sure. So finding an online community who will refer to you however you wish on a given day (or a platform that allows you to change your username at each log in) or an in person group of at least two friends who will help you trial names and pronouns.

Now you know how your gender fluctuates and what name and pronoun you want people to use with each state of your gender. Next you have to decide how to find a balance between the different states of your gender and how to go about asking other to refer to you.

STRUCTURED APPROACH

My gender doesn’t fluctuate a whole lot and usually sits close to an equal balance between my male and female components. So I’m almost always most comfortable with they/them pronouns. But in my case, I don’t have a single name that is gender neutral, I have one name for my female side and a different name for my male side.

My job is such that it doesn’t feel feasible to have people refer to me by anything other than my female name and she/her pronouns. So in order to find an overall balance, I decided to use my male name and they/them pronouns almost exclusively in queer spaces.

Maybe you have a supportive work environment but you’re not out to your family yet. You may chose to use your ‘trans’ identity at work because you are always referred to by the name and pronouns you were assigned at birth when you’re at home.

Whatever the case, if there is one area of your life where you feel restricted in your ability to come out or advocate for yourself, this approach may be the best option to still allow you a sense of balance and a chance to experience all aspects of your identity.

GO WITH THE FLOW APPROACH

For some people, their gender fluctuates too often or on too wide a spectrum for the structured approach to feel comfortable. So the other option, if your life circumstances allow, is to go with the flow. This means that however you feel at a given moment, you indicate or request to be referred to by the corresponding name and pronouns.

This approach give you a lot more flexibility and perhaps a stronger sense of authenticity but it requires more clear signaling and more frequent self-advocacy.

GLOBAL APPROACH

Another option is to find a middle ground of where the different components of your gender overlap and use that as your default with the option to request a different name or pronoun if needed.

Or perhaps your gender is in one state the majority of the time and only occasionally fluctuates to a different state. You could use the most common state as your default and only specify when it differs.

Or, like me, perhaps you have a way to refer to yourself that encompasses your entire identity. I am 100% of the time comfortable with they/them pronouns and prefer to be referred to by both my names as though they are hyphenated. I can still specify differently if I need to but this gives me a lot of safety and authenticity.

Whichever system works for you, or if you come up with a completely different one, you will need a way to indicate or express to others how you wish to be referred to.

SIGNALING

One way to indicate to others which name and pronoun to use is via non-verbal indicators or signals. This can be anything from clothing to jewelry to behaviours to pins or name tags.

If you feel most comfortable presenting in a distinct way with each different state of your gender, you can use your general presentation to indicate to others how they should refer to you. This will still take a bit of explanation initially and maybe a few reminders but, in general, would be pretty straighforward.

If you present fairly similarly regardless of your gender or your presentation doesn’t relate to your gender in that way at all, you can use other means to signal your gender. I have a necklace that has Meaghan on one side and Ray on the other. Most of the time I wear it inside my shirt but if I’m in an environment where it is safe to do so, I will wear it outside my shirt with the Ray side facing out as a reminder to others of how to refer to me. You can do something similar with a bracelet, name tag, pronoun or name pin, or more subtle means such as a certain piece of jewelry indicating a certain name/pronoun combo.

Keep in mind that the more subtle the signal is, the more explanation and reminders it will take for people around you to pick up on it and get it right. But if you’re in a potentially unsafe environment, subtle might be necessary for safety.

ADVOCATING

No matter what signals (if any) you choose to use, you will always have to have some sort of conversation with those around you to explain that your gender fluctuates and you wish to be referred to by a different name and/or pronoun depending on the situation or the day and how they will know which one to use. This initial coming out conversation is difficult for any trans person but especially for those with a fluid gender that doesn’t fit binary notions of gender. See Related Posts at the bottom of the page for ideas on how to have this conversation.

As with any trans person, you will also have to correct people when they get your name and/or pronouns wrong. When your gender fluctuates and the name/pronoun you use changes, it takes even longer for those around you to get used to it and inevitably causes even more slip-ups. So decide how often you want to correct people and how best to do it. This will likely depend on your relationship with that person and the context you’re in at the time.

One good practice to get into the habit of is introducing yourself using your name and pronouns every time you meet someone. Not just someone new, even people who know you and already understand your gender. Something like ‘Hi [friend], I’m Ray and using they/them pronouns today’ works well.

Also let the friends and family you interact with regularly and who you’re out to that if you forget to inform them of your name and pronoun at the beginning of an interaction, it is helpful for them to ask about it or cue you to indicate if it isn’t clear from your signaling. How they ask is up to you and again, will likely depend on your relationship with them and the context.

Sometimes, all it takes is having one ally in the room who you have informed ahead of time what name and pronoun to use. Their role is to find an opportunity to refer to you using that name and pronoun within the first minute of you arriving and as often as necessary throughout the event.

IMPORTANCE OF GLOBAL IDENTITY

When you have a fluid gender identity with multiple components it can be easy to get caught up in the parts and forget about the whole. For me, it important to take a step back to make sure I am achieving an overall balance that works for me, even if I can’t get people to refer to me the way I’d prefer in every situation.

The goal of all this work and advocacy is to be able to experience and be comfortable with all parts or aspects of your gender. To get to express yourself in the most authentic way no matter what your gender is. So try not to get caught up too much in the details of every interaction and instead aim for an overall more authentic and gender-filled existence.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of how to navigate the world when your gender and therefore name and/or pronouns fluctuate. Comment with your own experiences, send me an email, or reach out on social media. You can find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters.

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How to Ask About Someone’s Gender

We always say that if you don’t know someone’s gender or pronouns, just ask. But how do you do that in a respectful way? As a stranger, we can use they/them pronouns and avoid gendered language for everyone we meet until they specify. But what if this is a new colleague or a friend of a friend? Or what if your partner or child just told you they are questioning their gender?

The closer you are to someone, the more impact your questions are going to have. You can ask questions to find out the basic information such as how they identify and what pronouns and name to use. Or you can ask deeper questions to get a better understanding of what their identity means to them, how they picture themself, and what their experience of gender is day to day. These deeper questions can help you form a more accurate mental image of the person as they see themself so that you are more likely to gender them correctly. They can also help the other person sort out some of their confusion around their gender (if need be).

THE BASICS

When asking questions about gender (or any other sensitive topic), I follow the principle of not asking any question I wouldn’t also be willing to answer. I also use the caveat that they never have to answer a question I ask, though I do appreciate knowing why they don’t want to answer so I avoid asking other questions that they don’t want to answer.

If you are ever uncomfortable about asking something, it’s a good bet the other person will have some discomfort in answering as well. Be honest about your discomfort but don’t let that stop you. Be aware of your surroundings and choose a place where both of you feel the most safe (likely a private space).

If you’re not sure how to phrase a question or what language to use, be honest about that too. Try to avoid saying ‘I don’t mean any disrespect, but…’. Instead, use a phrase like ‘I’m not sure how to word this question. Is it okay if I ask it anyway and you can tell me how I’m supposed to say it?’ Usually, there is a reason why a certain question is inappropriate. Either the word you chose is seen as offensive, how you used it was incorrect, or the subject matter isn’t appropriate to ask about. It is helpful if you can find out why the question was wrong so you avoid making the same mistake with other questions or in other circumstances.

Asking about basic information such as gender identity, pronouns, or name is pretty straightforward. Offer yours first, then ask. ‘Hi, I’m Wendy. I’m a cis woman and I use she/her pronouns. How do you identify and what pronouns do you use?’ Keep in mind that knowing how someone identifies isn’t usually necessary. Pronouns and name are enough to interact with them respectfully.

Always question yourself about why you want to know the information and what purpose it will serve for you. If you’re just curious, generally you should refrain from asking unless you have a close relationship with that person and you’re in a private space. But, if you feel that you do need to know more information, you’re going to need to know what questions to ask.

DEEPER QUESTIONS

As I said above, you can ask these more intense, specific, personal, and invasive questions to learn more about someone’s gender for your own understanding or to help them figure out their own gender. I have grouped these questions into categories to make it easier to follow. These are just examples – feel free to pick and choose from each list as needed rather than using every question. This list is by no means exhaustive.

Gender Identity

  • How do you identify with regards to gender at the moment?
  • Has your gender identity changed over time?
  • What labels do you use for your gender and how do you define them?
  • Does your gender always feel the same or does it fluctuate?
  • Does your gender influence your sexual orientation in any way?
  • Are you comfortable with your gender identity or is it a source of frustration?
  • Are you confident in your gender identity or do you still have some confusion?

Language

  • What pronouns feel best for you?
  • Do you always prefer those pronouns?
  • What name do you want me to use?
  • What other language feels best for you (guys, ladies, girl, ma’am, sir, bro, dude, etc)?
  • What familial terms feel best for you (sister/brother/sibling, son/daughter/child/offspring etc)?
  • Is there any way I can help you test out various names/pronouns/language?

Body Dysphoria and Euphoria

  • Are there parts of your body that feel wrong or bring discomfort?
  • Are there parts of your body that feel good?
  • How do you picture your body should look?
  • Do you do anything to make your body feel more authentic for yourself?
  • Do you do anything to modify how your body appears to others?
  • Are there specific ways you would like me to refer to or interact with certain parts of your body?
  • Is there any way I can help you test out various presentations?

Medical Transition

  • Are you planning to/have you already started hormones?
  • How do you feel about the idea of/changes from taking hormones?
  • Are there any challenges you are facing with accessing hormones?
  • Are you planning to/have you already have any gender affirming procedures/surgeries?
  • How do you feel about the idea of/changes from [procedure/surgery]?
  • Are there any challenges you are facing with getting [procedure/surgery] done?
  • Have you ever encountered transphobia in a medical setting?
  • Is there anything I can do to support you with accessing basic or trans-specific medical care?

Legal Transition

  • Are you planning to/have you already changed your legal name?
  • Are you planning to/have you already changed your gender marker?
  • What documents have you changed so far?
  • What institutions have you informed of this change?
  • What documents/institutions do you still need to change/inform?
  • Is there any way I can help you with making these changes or support you during this process?
  • If we are in a situation where I need to disclose your legal name/gender, what would you like me to say? (hospital, banking, insurance, police, etc)

Practical Concerns

  • Who are you out to?
  • How would you like me to refer to you around people you are out to?
  • How would you like me to refer to you around people you are not out to but who know you and who you also interact with?
  • How would you like me to refer to you around people you are not out to but who you have no interaction with?
  • Have you encountered any transphobia?
  • Is there anything I can do to provide support?
  • Is there anything I have been doing or saying that is uncomfortable? What would you like me to do/say instead?

I hope this list of suggested questions helps guide your discussions of gender with anyone you interact with. Remember to think about how you would answer these questions before asking them of someone else. These questions are designed to guide a discussion that would be a follow up to the basic learning I talked about in How to Be a Trans Ally so don’t forget to start there.

Let me know how your discussions about gender are going! Or, let me know if you have other questions that you have found helpful in your discussions and I will add them to the list above. Leave a comment on this post or send me an email! Looking forward to hearing from you.

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How to be a Trans Ally

ALLYSHIP 101

Being an ally for any minority takes more than being accepting of a friend or acquaintance from that identity. Not being a biggot is not the same thing as being an ally. Being an ally isn’t a perspective, a state of mind, or even a level of understanding. It requires ongoing action that at first can be a challenge but eventually becomes automatic.

As someone who is part of a majority group, it is not for you to say that you are an ally. If you take actions that show to members of the minority group that you are safe to be around, understanding, supportive, affirming, and uplifting, they will label you as an ally.

Being an ally takes work, requires an open mind, and most of all, a willingness to feel uncomfortable. At some point, someone from a minority group will tell you that what you’re doing isn’t helping or may actually be causing more harm than good. Being an ally means listening to this perspective, asking questions to understand it further and what you can do differently, then acting on what you’ve learned.

Being an ally for one minority does not mean you are an ally for all minorities or even all the identities encompassed by that minority. Being an ally at one time does not guarantee you are an ally forever or in all circumstances.

But don’t let this discourage you! We need more allies!! Below are a number of ideas for what it means to be an ally to trans people. Please leave a comment below or get in touch with me if you have questions or other things to add to this list!

PRONOUNS

Put your pronouns in your email signature, your social media profiles, your video chat name, and on name tags. As a cis person, you likely have never had your pronouns questioned, never felt uncomfortable with the pronoun people assume you use, and never had to justify your use of that pronoun. Trans people have to do this every day or deal with the discomfort of being misgendered. So please, normalize the expression of pronouns by including yours.

Along the same lines, when you are introducing yourself to someone (anyone, not just someone you guess or know to be trans), introduce yourself with your pronouns. “Hi, my name is _____ and I use ______ pronouns.” You may get some funny looks or confusion from cis people who are not trans aware and you may feel awkward the first few times but just like anything else, it gets easier with practice. If you give up the first time it is uncomfortable, you really aren’t understanding how uncomfortable, scary, and often painful it is for trans people to be in a similar situation. And they don’t have the choice to just walk away, pretend it doesn’t exist, or avoid the discomfort.

Learn how to use a variety of pronouns. No, she/her and he/him are not the only singular pronouns out there. They/them is fairly common. There are also neopronouns such as per, xir or zir, and aer. Learn how these pronouns sound, how to use them in a sentence, how to switch between different pronouns, how to use pronouns that seem counter to your perception of someone’s gender, and how to avoid using pronouns altogether. Often, in English anyway, it is easy enough to rearrange a sentence to remove pronouns or substitute the person’s name.

KNOWLEDGE

Understand what it means to be trans. Understand the difference between sex, gender, sexual orientation, and gender presentation. Learn about some of the various identities that fall under the trans umbrella. Learn about the different steps someone might take to transition. You don’t need to know all the ins and outs of all the medical procedures or medication options (unless you are a healthcare worker and this is relevant to your field) but a general understanding is required.

Understand some of the challenges faced by the trans community in your area. This may be systemic barriers such as access to medications and medical procedures, cost of changing ID, wait times for medical procedures and documentation changes, lack of inclusive forms at medical clinics, banks, and workplaces, and difficulty accessing employment and housing. Or it could be interpersonal barriers due to transphobia that increase the risk of physical and emotional harm. Or personal challenges such as dysphoria, lack of social support, or struggles with mental health or addictions.

Some of this knowledge can be gained through online resources (such as this blog) but you will also have to engage with your local trans support networks and advocacy organizations. You may be tempted to simply ask your trans friend a slew of questions to learn about all these things. DO NOT do this. Trans people have to educate almost everyone they come in contact with. As an ally, you do not want to be another one of those people. If you have looked up everything you can online and joined the mail lists of your local organizations to learn more and still have some specific or personal questions to clarify a couple things, ask your friend if it’s okay with them if you ask them and when a good time would be. They are not obligated to answer. If you see this refusal as a lack of their friendship you really don’t understand what it means to be trans.

CHECK YOUR ASSUMPTIONS

Avoid making assumptions about someone’s gender based on their sex, presentation, physical characteristics, or mannerisms. Keep your language neutral by referring to everyone using they/them pronouns and neutral language until they have disclosed their gender to you. Yes, everyone. Not just people who fall outside the ‘norm’ of gender presentation or someone you think might be trans. You can’t tell someone’s gender from the outside. Being an ally means creating a safe place for trans people that you haven’t met yet. The only way to do that is to consider that anyone could be trans and act accordingly.

Once you learn someone’s gender, don’t make an assumption about what pronouns they use, what steps they have taken or plan to take in terms of transitioning, or what their experiences are with dysphoria. Every trans person’s identity, journey, and experience is different. You don’t have to understand all the different possible experiences to be an ally but you do have to keep an open mind and understand that there is no one way to be trans.

KNOW HOW TO ASK QUESTIONS

You may not be able to learn everything you want to without asking a trans person some questions. And if you’re not supposed to make assumptions about anyone’s gender, you may have to ask someone questions to learn more about their experiences. Knowing what questions to ask, how to ask them, and when/where it is appropriate to ask them is part of being an ally. This, too, takes practice.

The knowledge you have gained about terminology will help you with appropriate wording. Knowing what challenges trans people face will help you be aware of the context and choose an appropriate time and place. Beyond that, honesty is the best policy. If you’re not sure if the question is appropriate, or you’re not sure how to word it, make sure you’re in a safe and private environment before asking and then be honest about your lack of knowledge. Ask for feedback and be open to it when it’s given, solicited or not.

Keep in mind that just because one trans person was comfortable answering a particular question does not mean every trans person will be. Some people are open, some people are private. This is true for trans people as well.

ADVOCATE AND AUGMENT!

As an ally, your main roles are to set a good example for other cis people and to create a safe environment for trans people. This means correcting yourself when you make a mistake with pronouns or other gender references and correcting those around you if they misgender someone (regardless of whether the person is present or not). If you’re not sure whether the trans person wants you to correct other people on their behalf, ask them!

If someone asks you to speak about trans experiences and issues or asks you to review a policy or resource to ensure it is trans inclusive, defer to a trans person, especially if it is a paying opportunity. It is not your job to speak for trans people but to give trans people the support, space, and opportunity they need to speak for themselves. You can also share social media posts from trans accounts and spread news stories that talk about trans people in positive ways.

On a smaller scale, you can offer to be a buddy for a trans person in your life, especially if they have limited social supports. Whether it’s going to the public washroom with them for safety, going with them to medical appointments or registry offices for document changes, or being a caregiver after surgery, there are lots of ways you can help support a trans friend when other people who aren’t allies wouldn’t realize they would need extra support or when the trans person wouldn’t feel comfortable asking for support from non-allies.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of how to be a trans ally. If you are a trans person, feel free to share this with people in your life. We need more allies! Please leave a comment below if you have any questions or if you have suggestions for other ways to be a good ally.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E6: Complexities of Nonbinary Identities

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about some of the more complex aspects of being nonbinary such as genderfluid identities, how physical and social aspects of gender can feel at odds with each other, and how nonbinary genders interact with sexual orientation.

GENDERFLUID IDENTITIES

Let’s start with a deeper look at genderfluid identities. I’m going to break this into three different categories for ease of explanation. These categories are arbitrary but I have found them useful in making sense of various gender experiences and the vast number of nonbinary identities. 

The first category is multi-genders. This includes bi-gender, tri-gender, co-gender, etc. People with these gender experiences have more than one gender and fluctuate between them. They can experience one at a time or a combination of all their genders. They may shift between them on a fairly regular schedule, completely randomly, or depending on the situation they’re in. They may experience one gender more often than the others or all their genders equally. It may be an hour, a day, a week, or even longer between shifts. 

They may have a different name, pronoun, and presentation for each gender or they may consistently be comfortable with one name or pronoun. When beginning an interaction, they may use a short hand of ‘I’m Meaghan and I use she/her pronouns today’ or ‘I’m Ray and I use he/him pronouns today’. People they are out to who they interact with regularly will get used to these shifts and may not even need this explicit identifier but I have learned that it is a good habit to get into for my own sense of confidence, authenticity, and visibility. 

The second category is single, fluctuating genders. People with these genders only have one experience of gender but that gender moves around various parts of the gender spectrum. It can move over a large variety of genders or a very narrow range of genders. It can consistently cover the same parts of the spectrum or suddenly feel like a completely different gender than it has before. And similar to multi-genders, it can fluctuate in a predictable way based on time or situation or in a random way. 

People with this experience may have a variety of names and pronouns they use or pick a name and pronoun that feels comfortable for the majority of the time and stick with that. It’s always a good strategy to ask them how they identify or want to be referred to at each interaction. 

The third category is a gender expansive experience. People with this type of gender have one gender but it encompases a wide range on the gender spectrum. They may choose to present one aspect of their gender at a time or embody a variety of components at once. They may appear to have a genderfluid identity when in actuality their gender is stable but expansive. People in this category may choose a gender neutral name and pronoun that feels right no matter which part of their identity they wish to express, they may be comfortable with their birth name and gender marker, or they may have an ‘alter ego’ that they use when they want to present differently from their typical day to day expression. 

If you are genderfluid and your experience differs from all of these, please let me know! I’d love to hear your experience. You can send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment below. 

Explaining your experience of gender as a genderfluid person can be challenging. Not only does it include much of the basics that cis people often don’t understand about nonbinary identities that we talked about in Episode 5, but you then have to explain your overall experience of your gender as well as your current experience of your gender. 

You often need to develop a code to flag to people how your gender feels and how you want to be referred to each time you see them. This can be a verbal code such as simply stating the name and pronoun you wish them to use at that time. It can be a tag of some sort such as a name badge, pin, or dog tag that states your current name and pronoun. Or it can be more subtle such as a piece of jewelry or combination of presentation aspects that signal one name and pronoun combination over another. The more subtle the signal, the easier it is for you but the more practice it takes for the people around you. So if you opt for a more subtle approach, be prepared to correct people if needed and to resort to a more overt approach for people that you interact with less often or who don’t know you as well. 

PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL ASPECTS OF GENDER

Shifting gears, I’d like to talk about physical and social aspects of gender, how these don’t always line up, and what I do in those situations. 

If you’ve listened to previous episodes or read parts of my blog, you know that I have both male and female components to my gender and that they overlap in the neutral area. The balance between these two sides shifts at times such that my day to day sense of my gender moves around between about 25% male to 50% female. I use my innate sense of my gender, various types of dysphoria, and various experiences of euphoria to determine where my gender is on that scale at any given time. 

This is where it gets interesting. Dysphoria and euphoria can both be broken down into physical and social components. Anything to do with my body that I experience with no outside influence whatsoever I consider to be physical. Anything to do with interacting with others including how they gender me based on my body I consider to be social. When I was tracking my gender to see how much it fluctuated, I tracked physical and social aspects separately and discovered that they actually fluctuated differently. 

I often have very little physical dysphoria and have an innate feeling that my body is female or, on a different day, that my body is neutral. But at the same time I will be very uncomfortable being identified as female by others and will prefer to go by Ray and use they/them pronouns if I can. It is more rare to be the other way around but does occasionally happen. 

So what do I do in these circumstances? I tried to come up with dysphoria management strategies and euphoria heightening strategies that targeted either the physical components or the social components. For me, some of the physical strategies were wearing more masculine clothing and jewelry, wearing a binder, or wearing a packer. My social strategies included not responding to feminine language, ‘forgetting’ to wear my name tag, and spending less time with cis het folks I wasn’t out to and more time with queer friends and allies. 

The times when I feel physically male and socially female are easier because I can wear a binder and masculine clothes and people will barely notice and I don’t feel uncomfortable hearing my name, she/her pronouns, or female language. The times when I feel physically female and socially male are much harder. I don’t personally have the need to change my appearance and would feel comfortable wearing my more feminine clothes but if I do, I will have even more social dysphoria about feminine language and she/her pronouns. So I often have to employ some of the physical strategies just to feel like I am having some influence on the social interactions or at least that I did what I could to flag how I wanted to be identified and if the other person didn’t pick up on it that’s their problem. 

Managing this balance can seem complicated and some days it definitely feels exhausting. But I’ve found that the more I can be aware of my own gender and whether it is physical or social aspects that are bothering me most, the better I am at using appropriate strategies to manage it. 

GENDER AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Another area where being nonbinary can feel unnecessarily complicated is how it relates to sexual orientation. Gender and sexual orientation are two completely separate concepts and yet not only do many people tend to mix them up but when we are exploring our gender it often makes us feel unsure about our sexual orientation as well. 

I think this is partly a language thing. Many sexual orientation labels define who we are attracted to in relation to what our own gender is so when our gender or the way we define it changes, often those labels feel like they no longer apply even if who we are attracted to hasn’t changed. The easiest solution to this is to find a new label for your orientation that doesn’t relate it to your gender. 

However, sometimes when we are exploring our gender, it changes how we relate to others and can directly influence our sexual orientation. For example, before doing any of my own gender exploration, I identified as gay. I was female presenting though always more of a tom boy, female identified, and often was labeled as a lesbian. This term never felt right to me and I never used it for myself, which I now think was likely due to my yet undiscovered gender identity. When my husband transitioned I felt no less gay and no less attracted to him. This wasn’t specifically what made me question my own gender identity but once I started to I realized that I had always used the term ‘gay’ to mean ‘attracted to people like myself’. As my awareness of my gender shifted towards the neutral part of the spectrum, so too did my orientation. 

I know of lots of people who’s sexual orientation has remained stable throughout their gender exploration and transition. They have remained attracted to the same types of people they were prior to any gender questioning. I know other people who’s sexual orientation remained stable in relation to their own gender and shifted with their gender through the exploration and transition process, more like mine has. And I know people who’s sexual orientation expanded significantly as they explored their gender because they learned how to see bodies and people as separate from gender. 

Having your sexual orientation questioned when you come out as nonbinary can be frustrating and confusing. If you have an easy answer, feel free to use it. If not, try reflecting their question back to them and see if they can question their own assumptions about how your gender and sexuality interact. Sometimes they are informed and know of all these different experiences I talked about and just want to know which one applies to you. But more often than not, they are making an assumption based on the labels you have used in the past and the way they categorize both gender and sexuality as binary, all-or-nothing, or as static. If you can get them to recognize their own assumptions rather than having to do all the education we talked about in Episode 5, go for it. 

REACH OUT!

If you are working through some of these more complex aspects of identifying as nonbinary and want to reach out, please email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 6 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 7 I will be talking about living in the world as a nonbinary person including navigating public bathrooms, going to the gym, and what ‘passing’ means for nonbinary people.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E5: Coming Out as Nonbinary

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again), and how to respond to inappropriate questions and ignorance. 

TO COME OUT OR NOT TO COME OUT…

I look at coming out as an equation between pros and cons. On the pro side, I have need and benefit. How much do I need to come out? This often comes down to how much I’m struggling with not being out. As someone who is somewhat genderfluid and about 50% of the time is comfortable being identified as female, most of the time my need to come out is pretty low. If I’ve been experiencing a lot of dysphoria or been through a triggering situation, the need definitely goes up. 

How much will coming out benefit me? And how likely am I to receive those benefits? The benefit to me of everyone I come out to accepting me 100% as a nonbinary person is very high but the likelihood of that happening is very low, much lower than for binary trans people. This is simply due to society’s reliance on the gender binary and the lack of understanding of nonbinary identities. 

On the con side, there’s cost and risk. What is the emotional cost required to receive the benefit? I.e. how much emotional labour will I have to do to get someone to the point where they understand my identity or at least understand how to be supportive and are consistently following through on that? This varies but is generally on the high end. Also included in cost is the emotional cost of being misgendered. In mine and my husband’s experience, being misgendered by someone you have come out to hurts a lot more than being misgendered by someone you haven’t come out to yet. And if it’s going to be a struggle for people to understand my identity and gender me correctly, I am likely to get misgendered more often than correctly gendered. So this definitely puts the cost at the high end. 

I think of risk as what I might lose by coming out. Is there a risk to my physical wellbeing either due to safety or stability (job, housing, etc) by coming out? In my case, I have a lot of privilege and support in this area and have very low risk to my safety and security. 

So if the need and benefit of coming out are both low and the cost is high, why have I come out to anyone? Well, certain things can shift this equation in favour of coming out. As I said, the need goes up when I’m having a particularly difficult day, a longer period of more intense dysphoria, or experience a triggering situation. The cost can also go down significantly if I am talking to someone who is queer, someone who openly expresses awareness of trans issues or, even better, nonbinary identities and pronouns, or if I am in a position of power in relation to the person or people I am coming out to. 

The longer I have identified as nonbinary and the more times I’ve come out to people, the better I get at recognizing these low cost situations and capitalizing on them or the higher need situations and making sure I get the support I need without traumatizing myself further by having a high cost conversation with someone just based on proximity. 

COMING OUT CONSIDERATIONS

So what are some of the things you should think about when you’re deciding to come out to someone?

The first thing should be safety. This includes both emotional and physical safety. What views has the person expressed? How much risk is there to your wellbeing if the conversation isn’t received well? Coming out is always a scary process. I don’t think I have ever come out as nonbinary to someone without at least a small amount of fear. So it definitely can be a challenge to figure out if this fear is your natural anxiety about doing something big or if there is a legitimate risk to your safety. Take precautions, have a back up plan in case it doesn’t go well, find outside sources of support and stability as much as possible, and trust your gut. 

The next thing to do is figure out what your expectations are. What outcome are you expecting from this particular coming out conversation? How much might you lose? How hard to you think the conversation (or conversations) will be? This will help you figure out if it’s worth the cost. 

And lastly, consider the context. Who are you coming out to? If they are someone that is very close to you and has a high impact on your safety and stability, the emotional cost and risk will be higher, but also so will the need and benefit. Are they likely to talk to anyone else, either because they tend to spread news or because they will need to have someone to discuss it with in order to process? Are you ok with that or is this something you want to explicitly discuss during the conversation? Who else is around you at the time you are having this conversation? Are there others that might overhear who you don’t want to be coming out to, or who you would like to overhear so they know without you having to explicitly tell them? What medium are you using to come out? Up until now I have discussed it as though it is a face to face conversation but this doesn’t have to be the case. Both my husband and I have found a written format, usually via email, to be the easiest. But that only works for the planned, thought about in advance type of coming out conversations, not the ones where you capitalize on a low cost or high need situation. And lastly, consider your ability to care for yourself in that context. Will you have time alone soon after? Will you have access to your most effective self-care tools or support networks? How can you adjust the context so you do have access to those things?

This can seem like a lot of questions to ask yourself in a split second between someone calling you by a binary term and you deciding to correct them or not. But some of these questions will be more important to you than others. Some of them are make or break. Those are the ones you want to focus on. 

EXPLAINING YOUR IDENTITY TO CIS PEOPLE

So let’s say the equation tips in favour of coming out. Coming out as nonbinary, or any queer identity for that matter, requires using language that is not necessarily understood in the same way or understood at all by the person you are coming out to. When we find labels that work for us, they help us understand ourselves and often help us connect with others who share our experiences. But when we are going to use them as a communication tool such as in the coming out process, we have to remember that words are used to represent abstract concepts and not everyone has the same understanding of those concepts as we do. 

There are lots of aspects of queer identity and culture that are not understood, or misunderstood, by mainstream culture. This is because the majority of exposure to queer culture is via the media which is notorious for picking stories that are sensational, that are the most shocking or the most palatable to the mainstream, and that are the most visible or common. This leaves many queer experiences misinterpreted or not represented at all. So when we use language that connects to concepts built by the media, it can take a lot of energy to counteract those concepts in order for the person we are trying to come out to to accurately understand our experience and identity. 

This knowledge gap can be very frustrating and can often take you by surprise. What do you mean you’ve never heard the term nonbinary? What do you mean you’ve never heard of anyone using they/them pronouns? When we have been so immersed in this world and information as we try to figure ourselves out, it can be a shock to realize how far behind everyone else is. 

When you are coming out, you can ignore this knowledge gap and expect people to look up the terms you used that they don’t understand (and even provide them resources) but what if they don’t even understand that it is important enough an issue that they need to do this work? If you can find a key person or two in each group of people you are coming out to (family, co-workers, friends) and spend the time and energy to bring them up to speed, they can hopefully then help bring others along or at least be a good example of how to refer to you. 

The first step to bringing someone up to speed is noticing when there is a knowledge gap and identifying how big it is. If they have looks of confusion or ask vague awkward questions like ‘So when did this start’ or ‘Why are you telling me all this’ or even ‘What, what do you mean, nonbinary,’ these are good indicators that they do not have the background knowledge required to understand what you are telling them. 

The next step is to connect the dots. I tend to use a working backwards approach. If they’re confused about nonbinary, I suggest that gender isn’t just male and female. If they relate my gender to my body, I talk about gender and sex being separate concepts. If they want to know my life history and make everything about gender or are looking for some kind of trigger, I talk about identity as an ever evolving thing that was there from the start even if I didn’t have the words to understand or express it. If they have a strong, especially negative, reaction to a label I use, I ask them what comes to mind when they hear that label. If it’s a new label to them, they might just not like the feeling of being confused. Or, they may have a bad or incorrect association with it from media representation that I would then have to correct or find a different label to use (which is why I like knowing a few different ones that work for me). From there, I work my way back up to the understanding of my identity that I wanted them to have in the first place. 

The last step is to leave them with a clear takeaway message. For me, this is usually a combination of ‘You don’t have to fully understand my identity in order to support me’ and ‘I would like you to avoid female gendered language and use these terms and they/them pronouns instead’ or whatever my expectations are for that individual or group. Check out the post on bridging the gap between mainstream and queer and trans culture for more tips and useful phrases.

EXPLAINING DYSPHORIA TO CIS PEOPLE

Another aspect of coming out is often having to explain why you don’t feel like the gender you were assigned at birth. Typically this includes a description of the types of dysphoria you feel. Most cis people don’t know about the concept of dysphoria let alone understand what it feels like. So I find it helpful to relate it to something they might have experienced. Some of the phrases I’ve used include wearing an ill fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off, having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to painful that you can’t do anything about, or not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror. 

Even more important than explaining what dysphoria feels like is explaining what the impact is on you. For this, I describe how exhausting it can be to have part of your mental and emotional space taken up by the effort to ignore those sensations of pins and needles, or how it feels like being pinched every time you’re misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone you’re not out to) and punched when you’re misgendered by someone you are out to, or how you feel like the parts of you that feel comfortable are invisible and the parts everyone can see are the ones that feel wrong. 

I hope you find these phrases helpful in your coming out process. 

THEY/THEM PRONOUNS

If you are someone who uses they/them or neopronouns and will be asking people you come out to to adopt these pronouns, these conversations are all about shifting the other person’s mental image of you. This takes practice and most people have never had to do this until someone they know comes out as trans. So naturally, the more clarity you can give them on who you are, why your old identity doesn’t fit, and why the identity you are telling them about feels authentic and important to you, the easier time they will have in adopting the pronouns and name you are asking them to use. Take a listen to Season 2 Episode 4 for more ideas on names, pronouns, and other gendered language. 

EXPLAINING FLUID GENDER IDENTITIES

If you are someone who has a fluid gender identity, coming out often requires an explanation of your total gender experience and a shorter version of how you feel in the moment and how you want to be referred to that you would repeat at each interaction or when your gender has shifted. I’ll talk more about this in Episode 6. 

KNOWING YOUR BOUNDARIES

As you will have noticed from what I’ve talked about so far, and likely experienced yourself, coming out involves a lot of educating others. Often, especially at the beginning of this process (that goes on for the rest of our lives), we engage in conversations that are more exhausting than they are worth or reveal more personal information than was necessary for that individual or situation. In short, we cross our personal boundaries before we realize. 

People will ask invasive and inappropriate questions without knowing that’s what they’re doing. And sometimes, you will answer them without realizing that you don’t owe them that information. This can make you feel exposed, defensive, or antagonistic either in response to the question or at the next encounter with this person. This has definitely happened to me and is never a good place to be. The other person may be surprised when your demeanor suddenly changes or may become antagonistic themself. The relationship that you valued enough to want to come out can become a source of pain or even a safety risk. 

So how do you figure out where your boundaries are before you or someone else crosses them by accident? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself that might help. 

With regards to general information, are you comfortable…

  • Disclosing your birth name?
  • Explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
  • Talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
  • Talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance  or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
  • Talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
  • Talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
  • Talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

With regards to medical and legal information, are you comfortable…

  • Talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
  • Talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of these medications?
  • Disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?
  • Talking about legal documentation changes?
  • Discussing transphobic policies and politics?

Answering yes or no to each of these questions is a good start. You may want to do this a few times based on who you are talking to or what context you are in. For example, you may answer differently if you are talking to a co-worker, a close family member, a trans person, or your medical doctor. 

So what if someone asks about one of those things that you aren’t comfortable disclosing that information but you don’t want to discourage them or shut down the conversation completely? Here are a few different options. 

Try explaining why that’s not something that is appropriate to ask or why this is not an appropriate context to ask it in. This response still provides education and helps them be better informed and a better ally and keeps a positive relationship and rapport between you but without crossing your personal boundaries. 

Have resources ready to recommend so they can look up general information on the topic they are asking about. Usually acquaintances, co-workers, or friends are asking you specifically because you are the first trans or nonbinary person they have been exposed to and you happen to be there when the question occurs to them. They don’t necessarily want to know your specific story even if that’s how they phrase the question.

Challenge them based on the phrasing of the question. If they ask ‘Are you having the surgery?’ you can respond ‘What surgery?’ If they can’t answer with a more specific informed question, they don’t deserve your personal response. 

Provide a general response instead of a personal one regardless of how they ask the question. For example ‘I’m not comfortable answering that for myself but from what I’ve heard from other trans people, some do [example A for these reasons] and some do [example B for these reasons]’. 

Remember, hindsight is 20/20. There will definitely be times when you disclose more than you meant to or realize later that there was no reason why you had to answer their question. This can lead to a lot of guilt and regret about not standing up for yourself or protecting your privacy when you had the right to. Try to be kind to yourself. We’ve all done that and all you can do is learn as much as you can from others about how to have the conversations in advance and explore where your boundaries are before they are crossed. 

SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND GENDER

Another aspect of coming out in terms of gender is how it impacts your sexuality. When my husband came out at trans one of the most common questions I got was whether that made me straight. I haven’t gotten nearly as many questions about my sexuality when I have come out as nonbinary but I also haven’t come out to nearly as many people. However, I definitely questioned my own sexuality and how to describe it to others when I came out to myself as nonbinary. Also consider that coming out to your partner may cause them to question their own sexuality (which they may or may not feel prepared to do). I’ll talk more about all these intersections of gender and sexual orientation in Episode 6 as well. 

GUIDELINES FOR CIS PEOPLE

One of the other posts on my blog I recommend checking out is called How to Be Respectful Towards a Trans Person. This is a resource written for cis people as a guideline of how to respond when someone in their life comes out to them as trans. It has different sections depending on the nature of the relationship to the trans person. You can read through this yourself to get a better understanding of how people should and should not respond to you when you come out or you can include it in your resources that you recommend or give to people when you come out.

REACH OUT!

Coming out is an intense, scary, repetitive, exhausting, but often rewarding experience. If you are struggling with this process and want to reach out, you can email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember, you are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 5 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 6 I will be talking about some of the more complex aspects of being nonbinary such as genderfluid identities, how physical and social aspects of gender can feel at odds with each other, and how nonbinary genders interact with sexual orientation.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E4: Name, Pronouns, and Other Gendered Language

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about figuring out how you feel about your name, pronouns, and other types of gendered language and how to decide what feels right. 

NAMES

Some people feel very uncomfortable with their birth name, either because it is typically interpreted in a gendered way or because it is associated with their past identity before coming out. 

Some people are perfectly comfortable with their name but decide to change it because of how it is interpreted by society or to signal their change of identity to others.

Some people are comfortable with their name and never feel the need to change it. 

Some people, and this is the version that relates to my experience, use different names depending on how they feel or what situation they’re in. 

I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name – Meaghan – because it represents the female half of myself. I also have the name Ray that represents the male half of myself. I think of myself as Meaghan Ray and will go by Meaghan or Ray or Meaghan Ray depending on the situation. Primarily I use Meaghan in everyday life and with family and Ray in queer spaces. So far I haven’t changed my name legally but I am considering changing my middle name to Ray.

But how did I figure out that this way of using different names was right for me? 

If you listened to Episode 1 of Season 2 you heard me talk about my initial gender experience in grade 10 where I was switching back and forth between Meaghan (female) and Ray (male). I had no idea why I was responding to the name Ray or where it came from. It just seemed to be part of my male identity from the start. So essentially, I never had to search for a name that fit. But that also meant that switching to a new, gender neutral name that would encompass both parts of myself didn’t feel right either. So I had to figure out how to use both Meaghan and Ray as names in a way that gave me a sense of balance and authenticity. 

At first it felt awkward and scary to introduce myself as Ray in queer spaces. One of the biggest experiments I did with this was going on a writing retreat on a cruise ship with a whole group of strangers that I may or may not ever interact with again. The organizers were very queer friendly and had everyone fill out a form stating what we wanted on our name badge. It didn’t have to match our legal name and would include pronouns. So I went with Ray and they/them pronouns. People followed through on the name really well because they had never known me as anything else. Pronouns were a different story but I’ll get to that in a sec.

If you are uncomfortable with your name and want to change it, here are a few strategies to try. 

Start with a gender neutral or more affirming nickname version of your name if one exists. If this feels better than your birth name, it not only points you in the right direction and gives you a bit of affirmation and euphoria but is also easier to get people to use without having to come out (if you don’t feel ready yet).

Look up gender neutral names in a baby name app or ask close friends what they think might fit you. Test out various names by writing about yourself in third person, using that name as an online identity, ask close friends to test it out with you, or put a different name in each time you order something online (or when ordering coffee) so you see how it feels when it arrives. 

There will be a name that you keep coming back to or that stands out as feeling right. Even if it’s not the one that everyone else thinks you should use, if it feels right to you, that’s the one to use. 

If you’re comfortable with your name, either because it is gender neutral to start off with or because it feels right regardless of what gender it flags to everyone else, that’s fine too! You don’t have to change it in order to be ‘trans enough’ or ‘nonbinary enough’ to claim a particular identity. 

Keep in mind though that people generally associate who you are with your name and may have trouble understanding how their perception of you is incorrect, and struggle to correct it, if your name is staying the same. If this turns out to be the case, you can always decide to change your name later if you feel you want or need to. 

PRONOUNS

Getting people to use they/them pronouns, and even more so neopronouns, is a big struggle. So much so that it has been a huge barrier to me feeling like it would be beneficial to come out as nonbinary. If I’m not changing my name and no one is going to use the correct pronouns anyway, why bother?

When I say that getting people to use they/them pronouns is a struggle, I’m comparing it to getting people to switch from female pronouns to male pronouns when my husband transitioned. That was still a struggle and took quite a while (and he still gets misgendered by coworkers four years later!) but at this point he almost always gets referred to using he/him pronouns by strangers. Not only will strangers forever label me as female and revert to she/her pronouns but even when I have explicitly asked someone to use they/them pronouns (and even have it printed on a badge I am wearing) they still struggle with it unless they have had prior experience and know other people who use they/them pronouns. 

There are a number of reasons why I think people struggle with they/them pronouns more than binary ones. 

I’m not even going to talk about the ‘it’s not grammatically correct’ hurdle because seriously, it is, you use them all the time as a singular pronoun already. 

The sticking point is that people don’t often use them consciously as singular pronouns. They only use they/them singular as a default when they don’t know someone’s gender such as when referring to an unknown person when they find an umbrella forgotten on a bus. To use they/them singular consciously seems to use different brain circuitry. 

Another component to this sticking point is that in those circumstances where they already use they/them singular, they are using it for someone who’s gender is unknown, not someone they know. Most people have an association with they/them pronouns as being ambiguous, vague, distant, a place-holder until you identify the person’s gender. So when we ask them to use they/them pronouns to refer to us, someone they know, it makes them feel like they are referring to us in a way that denotes distance in the relationship, not familiarity. 

When my husband socially transitioned and asked people to start using he/him pronouns, they struggled with it until their mental image of him was that of a male person instead of a female one. After that he was misgendered significantly less. This is another thing that creates difficulty with people adopting they/them and neopronouns. If people have a hard time conceptualizing nonbinary identities let alone applying that identity to me specifically, they will likely have a hard time automatically using the correct pronouns.  

I do have some strategies that I want to recommend to help people adopt a new name and/or pronouns if that is a change you want to make.

Request that they change your name or add your pronouns next to your name in their phone contact info for you. Every time you text or call they will be reminded of the correct name and pronouns. 

Have as many open conversations as you can with them about how you see yourself in terms of gender. The better they understand how you see yourself, the easier time they will have of changing their own mental image of you and therefore the name and pronouns that they associate with you. 

Have an ally with you who will model the correct name and pronouns. If you would like, this ally can also correct the other people’s use of name and pronouns or they can simply set a good example. 

Set ground rules about how you will correct their use of pronouns. You can use a code word, for example ‘potato’, every time they get it wrong, or you can correct them once during each interaction, if that’s all the energy you have, with the understanding that you expect them to correct themselves and each other from then on.

One suggestion I would stress is to make it clear that you expect them to use the correct pronouns and name for you even when you are not present and to correct each other if they get it wrong. This is the only way they will ever get it consistently right when you are around. 

OTHER GENDERED LANGUAGE

But of course, we can be misgendered by more than just our name or pronouns. There is lots of other gendered language that people use without realizing. 

There’s the everyday Ma’am and sir, ladies, guys, dude, bro, hey man, hey girl.

Then there’s the familial terms such as son, daughter, sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, ect

If people I have come out to use those everyday gendered terms to refer to me I will say a quick ‘nope!’ or ‘not a lady’, ‘not a girl’, in response. This will sometimes lead to a brief conversation of what they should say instead and as long as they follow through on that next time, it can be a helpful interaction. 

If someone I’m not out to yet consistently uses those terms, especially when including me in a group of women (which happens often at my workplace), I will simply not respond to the general greeting because it didn’t actually apply to me. If they address me specifically or follow up with something else, I’ll respond per usual. I have noticed that this subliminal messaging has a decent effect on some people that I interact with on a more regular basis. Whether they’re aware of it consciously or not, they use those terms less and less when referring to me or addressing me, and they’ll find another way to get my attention. 

For the more formal familial terms there are lots of gender neutral options. Mx. is the gender neutral honorific instead of Mrs, Ms, or Mr. It is pronounced Mix which can be used instead of ma’am and sir as well. Those are most often used in a customer service setting where they could just as easily leave them off and say ‘can I help you?’ or refer to you as a customer, patron, or shopper instead of a woman or man. There is nibling for niece or nephew, sibling instead of sister or brother, child or first-born, eldest, youngest, etc instead of son or daughter. The gender neutral version of aunt or uncle is more varied and personal though I personally like Untie (pronounced UN-tee).  

Parental names are a whole other story. There are so many options for parental terms that are not mom or dad that it is hard to narrow it down or find one that feels right. By the time this episode airs, I will hopefully be a new parent so this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. 

Not only what will the child call me but how will I enforce that term with other family members when they are referring to me when talking to the child, especially if I’m not out to all those family members yet? And how much more misgendering will I have to deal with once the child is going to school? 

I will talk about this more during episode 8 when I talk about nonbinary pregnancy and parenting. And I will definitely be posting updates on this journey as a nonbinary parent on my blog. If you subscribe, you’ll get the updates in your inbox.

More recently, during the pregnancy experience, I have encountered a ton of gendered language around pregnant people being referred to consistently as women, mom, or mom-to-be. 

When talking about breastfeeding there is also a huge lack of inclusive terminology. So naturally, I wrote a blog post about that too, with a list of inclusive terminology suggestions for pregnancy, birthing, and feeding a baby. I will be talking more about that in Episode 8 as well.

TAKE AWAY

During my own journey of navigating names, pronouns, and other gendered language, I discovered that all three of these aspects affect me differently. 

For example, as I mentioned, I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name, except for the times I’m feeling almost exclusively male. Even so, I do feel like I need some time as being identified as Ray, just to feel like I maintain a balance and a feeling of authenticity and visibility.

I’m comfortable with she/her pronouns about 50-75% of the time, he/him pronouns about 25% or less of the time, and they/them pronouns 100% of the time. 

I’m rarely if ever comfortable with the generic female gendered language such as ladies, ma’am, miss or girl. I’m much more comfortable with generic male gendered language including sir, man, bro, dude and guys. 

I’m ok with certain female gendered familial terms but only if I’ve had specific conversations with the other people involved in that relationship and know that they see me for who I am but still prefer to use the same term due to the emotional history between us. If they’re comfortable shifting to a neutral option, that is generally more comfortable for me. 

All this to say, just because your name, pronouns, and other language people use for you may all relate to the gender you were assigned at birth which you no longer identify as or feel comfortable with, it doesn’t mean that all three of these things, or any of them for that matter, have to be uncomfortable for you or that they are equally so. 

I recommend looking at each of these aspects separately and seeing if they actually cause varying degrees of dysphoria. How they feel may be different depending on the context, who is using that name, pronoun, or language, or how your gender feels at the time (especially if you’re genderfluid like me). 

If this gets overwhelming, feel free to email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember: You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 4 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 5 I will be talking about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, and how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again).

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender Season 2 Coming Soon!

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Hey everyone,

I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person, and the host of Let’s Talk Gender.

Coming up in September 2020 is season 2!

This season will be another eight episodes, this time around the topic of nonbinary identities and experiences. If you listened to Season 1 you got to hear from my husband about his experiences with transitioning. This season will be more of a radio host monologue style with just me as the host. 

Here’s a brief look at what this season will include:

  • Episode 1: Nonbinary identities and labels 
  • Episode 2: Exploring your gender as a nonbinary person 
  • Episode 3: Nonbinary gender presentation and expression 
  • Episode 4: Navigating names, pronouns, and other language 
  • Episode 5: Coming out as nonbinary
  • Episode 6: Complexities of nonbinary identities such as how they interact with sexual orientation and a deeper look at gender fluid identities 
  • Episode 7: Living in the world as nonbinary including using bathrooms, going to the gym, and what passing means as a nonbinary person
  • Episode 8: Pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person

You can find the podcast on any itunes populated platform or stream it from this website. You will also find the show notes for each episode on this website and if you subscribe, new episodes and blog posts will be sent to your inbox so you don’t have to remember to keep checking back! 

You can always get in touch with me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment on this website. I’d love to hear your thoughts, topic requests, or be a sounding board if I can. 

I’m really looking forward to this season. I hope you are too.

Talk to you soon!

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Gender Vs Sex

No, this is not a ‘gender’ reveal post.

First of all, what I would be revealing is the sex of my baby, not the gender. We can find out the sex of our babies before they are born based on seeing their genitalia on an ultrasound or having a genetic test done that tells us their chromosomal makeup. Both of these are markers of sex, not gender.

The whole concept of finding out the sex ignores the existence of intersex conditions and identities. The idea that we automatically know the baby’s gender based on their sex markers ignores the existence of trans and non-binary identities. So every time someone asks me what the gender of my baby is, it feels like an erasure of mine and my husband’s identities, even if the person asking doesn’t realize it or mean it that way.

We can assume that the baby will be cisgender (that their gender will match their sex) which is statistically more likely than the baby being trans, but we will not know their gender for sure until they are old enough to express it to us.

This is what goes through my mind when people ask me “What are you having?” or “Are you finding out?” or “Do you know the gender?” So of course, there is a long pause while I decide whether I want to educate, be snarky, or bite my tongue and play along with the social routine.

Is it worth the energy and vulnerability to educate people on why this question feels inappropriate to me? Am I in a safe environment to out myself or my husband in order to illustrate the point? Can I educate them well enough, with enough impact, without outing either of us? The mental and emotional gymnastics to figure out whether to challenge them on their assumptions behind the question are exhausting on their own.

Most of the time I answer the “What are you having?” question with “A baby” or if I’m feeling snarky, “Well, I’m not having a puppy…” If they ask if we’re finding out the gender, I usually say “Yes, we already have but we’re not telling anyone” even though it hurts me a bit to reaffirm their ignorance instead of contradicting it. Occasionally I’ll reply “You mean the sex?” or “Well, we found out the sex but the kid will have to tell us their gender when they figure it out for themself.” If you’re in a similar situation, hopefully these variations of answers give you some options when you don’t have the energy or safety to educate.

We decided to find out the sex of the baby before birth so that we would have time to process what it would mean to counteract societal influences, stereotypes, and our own preconceptions in order to raise them in as gender-expansive a way as possible. We decided not to tell anyone else the sex of the baby because we don’t trust everyone else to do the same work without our direct influence so the longer we can force those around us to think of the child as gender neutral the better.

As I have talked about in a previous post (Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-Binary Person), we will be using the pronouns associated with their sex assigned at birth (or before birth in most cases nowadays). It would be too challenging for both of us to fight for neutral pronouns when the likelihood is that the child will be cis-gender. We will be giving our child every opportunity to explore and be exposed to all aspects of gender identity, presentation, and expression. We will be having open conversations about all aspects of gender and sex as they become relevant. We’ll see how this goes!

How do you respond to questions about finding out your child’s ‘gender’? Did you find out your child’s sex in advance of birth? Have you taken any specific steps to raise your child(ren) in a gender-expansive way? Please share in the comments! I’d love to hear your experiences.

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Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person

If you have read any of the other posts in the Pregnancy and Parenting category, you’ll know that Jake and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. So naturally, we think ahead to what it will be like to parent as a trans man and a non-binary person.

Below are some of the things we’ve discussed in relation to my identity as a non-binary person. Note: other non-binary parents may have different responses to these situations and my responses may very well change in the future. And that is totally fine! Think of this as a time capsule of what we’re thinking at the moment.

WHAT WILL THE KID CALL ME?

For the most part, I am comfortable with mom or mother. Mommy is a bit less comfy. I have seen various terms that other non-binary parents use such as Baba, Mapa, Maddy, Mappy, etc. None of these feel like they really fit for me but maybe I will just have to pick one that feels the closest and I’ll get used to it.

Another common one is Ren or Renny from parent. I quite like this one but it would not be as intuitive to others what it meant so it would take more explanation on our part or our child’s part. Maybe this is ok and wouldn’t be as difficult or frustrating as I’m picturing.

The other one I’ve thought of is Mur which is a sounded-out version of M.R. for Meaghan Ray. It also sounds like a shortened or slurred form of mother. So maybe I’ll use that.

I’m sure the kid will have their own opinions about what fits so I guess we’ll see what happens.

EXPLAINING MY IDENTITY TO MY KID

Initially, I won’t be telling my kid anything specific about my own gender identity because they won’t necessarily understand and they definitely won’t understand the safety concerns of who to tell and who not to tell. But we will have lots of kids stories about gender diversity and have lots of conversations about gender and gender presentation and preferences geared towards whatever stage they’re at.

When my kid is more preteen age I will likely tell them about my own gender identity. If my kid ever asks outright what my gender is I will be open and honest and deal with whatever personal consequences come from that.

NAVIGATING SYSTEMS

Whether it’s school systems or pediatric medical care, I will likely be identified as the mother on all the paperwork and to all the professionals. I will likely take that one situation at a time and if I come across an inclusive professional or an inclusive form, I will likely be open about my identity (as long as my kid was also aware of it at that time).

We will look for spaces where our kid, and us as parents, can hang out with other queer families so we don’t feel isolated in these various experiences.

PREPARING THE KID TO FIELD QUESTIONS

Depending on what we have told our kid about my identity and how they are referring to me, this may generate questions from other kids or teachers and other parents. We will not be able to control how our child responds but we can have conversations both before and after these questions come up about what they might say, how they felt about being asked the question, and if they feel like they want to ask any questions of us.

All we can do is instill an open minded and positive view of gender in our child and hope that that is what they represent in their answers to others. If they encounter a negative response as a result of my identity, we will debrief with our child and address it with the most responsible adult directly. This is probably the thing I am the most apprehensive about so we’ll see how it goes.

WILL WE RAISE OUR CHILD GENDER NEUTRAL?

Socially, emotionally, and physically – yes, as much as possible. This means playing sports and rough housing with them while teaching them how to be gentle. Modeling and teaching them emotional intelligence and emotional coping skills. Giving them access to a variety of toys, clothing, and accessory options.

However, we will not be using they/them pronouns for our child. We will be using the pronouns that align with their sex. Though neither of us are cisgender, statistically speaking, our child will be. As someone who prefers they/them pronouns, I understand how difficult it is to get people to use them and understand why I am asking them to. It can be quite upsetting for me when I have explicitly asked them to and they don’t. So having to fight for the same thing for my child would be way too much of a struggle and way too emotionally taxing for me when they are likely to be cisgendered.

As I said above, we will frequently be asking our child about their gender using whatever terms they understand. If they ever display a preference for other pronouns, we will adjust accordingly and immediately. For me, being flexible and open is more important than being strictly neutral from the start.

Do you have a child or are you planning on it in the future? What terms do you use? How have you discussed gender with your child? Leave me a message below!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E5: Social Transition: Coming Out At Work

OVERVIEW

Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.

Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.

We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s process for coming out at work

Preparation

  • Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
  • Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
    • They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
  • Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them

Tipping Point

  • Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
  • Told team lead in advance
  • Had written an email
  • Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
    • Generally supportive
  • Sent email to whole department
    • Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
  • Told other higher-ups
    • One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
    • Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)

Challenges

  • Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
  • Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
  • Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
    • Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
    • She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing

Bathrooms

  • Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
  • Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
  • Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
    • Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
  • Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
  • Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
  • Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR

Looking Back

  • Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
  • Fighting on all fronts
  • Exhausting and circular and convoluted

Did People Adapt?

  • Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
  • An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
  • Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
    • Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
  • People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
  • Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
    • Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
    • Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots

Other Interesting Situations

  • Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
    • Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
  • People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity

Partner Experience

  • Could only be a cheerleader
  • Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
  • Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
    • Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
    • Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
    • Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
    • Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
  • Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
    • Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
    • More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
  • Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
  • Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
    • Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
  • Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work

  • Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
  • Half the people I interact with are strangers
  • Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
    • Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
  • Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
  • Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
  • I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct

Jake’s experience as a partner

  • Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
  • Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
  • Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less

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