Tag: Physical Health

Let’s Talk Gender S2E7: Living in the World as a Nonbinary Person

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about living in the world as a nonbinary person including what ‘passing’ means for nonbinary people, navigating public washrooms, going to the gym, and how a nonbinary perspective can influence how you interpret other aspects of society. 

PASSING AS NONBINARY

Passing typically refers to the idea of ‘blending in’ with one of the binary genders, or being consistently recognized as the gender you identify as (assuming it’s one of the binary options). In Western society, we are trained to categorize everyone as male or female as quickly as possible because we learn from a young age that this is a vital piece of information that we need in order to interact with people. Since ‘nonbinary’ isn’t a gender that people assign to strangers, passing doesn’t exist in the same way for nonbinary people. 

Some varieties of passing that might apply to nonbinary people are being read as female in one situation and male in the next, or causing confusion and hesitation when the cues they typically use to gender you are conflicting.

I have found that some of these cues are stronger than others. Voice is one of the strongest. Luckily it doesn’t come into play until you interact with someone but this can be very frustrating over the phone, radio, or at a drive through. Another strong one is whether you have a curved or flat chest. There is some variability to this one depending on body size and structure but a chest that is curved or rounded, as when pushed up by a bra, is, in my experience, exclusively read as female where a flatter chest does not signal male nearly as strongly. On the flip side, having facial hair strongly signifies male, especially if it is darker, thicker, and more widespread, whereas having no facial hair does not necessarily signify female. A slightly less strong cue is bone structure, particularly of the face, presence of an Adam’s apple, a person’s stature, and shoulder to hip ratio. And lastly, clothing and hairstyle can have a significant effect from farther away but are easily overridden by the other cues above. 

I don’t mean to list these as a way to trigger dysphoria in anyone. It’s more a way of expressing my frustration that society is so hung up on these aspects of how we look and present that they can completely hijack a stranger’s brain into categorizing us a certain way regardless of our efforts to flag our gender. 

I also think about the list of cues above as a guideline of how to mess with the gendering system in other people’s brains. If I avoid the cues that have a stronger effect in either direction by flattening my chest, speaking in the lower range of my voice, wearing clothes that look boxier, and keep my hair short, maybe I will have a stronger effect. Or for someone else, this may look like having facial hair, wearing more feminine clothes, and maybe even a padded bra or breast forms. 

Unfortunately, if you can’t be easily categorized into male or female, you tend to stand out and draw attention to yourself. Always feeling like you stand out just for being who you are can be exhausting and often we end up compromising our personal comfort in order to blend in, even if just temporarily. This can be for safety reasons or to have one day where we don’t get second glances, stares, and looks of confusion. Some days I’m able to reframe the double takes as a positive thing, that who I am is showing through and challenging their binary views of gender, but most of the time it just feels like unwanted negative attention. 

ASSUMED CIS

Passing is usually referred to in a way that makes it sound like trans people are attempting to hide i.e. be ‘stealth’, trying to trick cis people, or frames passing as the goal of transitioning. These perspectives can be very toxic to lots of people, but especially nonbinary people. 

Instead of using the term ‘passing’ to mean ‘being identified by stranges in alignment with my identity’, which doesn’t feel like it will ever apply to me, I prefer to use the term ‘assumed’. Most of the time, I am assumed to be female by strangers, acquaintances, co-workers, really anyone I’m not out to. There has been the occasional time when I was assumed male and got called sir. One of these times they ‘corrected’ themself and changed it to ma’am when I turned around and spoke. The other time I was so surprised, in a good way, that I couldn’t remember my breakfast order and my husband ordered for me while trying not to laugh at my deer-in-the-headlights reaction. 

Anyway, I much prefer the term ‘assumed’ to ‘passing’. Not only does it relate much more strongly to my experience as a nonbinary person, but it also assigns the action to the stranger rather than to me. This is also much more accurate to my experience. I am living my life, presenting and interacting however is most comfortable for me and it is the people around me who are assuming that I am a cis woman. 

PUBLIC GENDERED BATHROOMS

There are some specific situations where not blending in with either binary gender can make life a lot more difficult. Namely, public gendered bathrooms and gym changing rooms. Let’s start with bathrooms.

When it comes to using a binary gendered public washroom, I have a few different options. Choosing either binary gendered washroom comes with the psychological impact of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom. I can use the bathroom I’m guessing that most people are assuming is in alignment with my gender regardless of how I’m feeling (usually the women’s which is lucky because it has a lower safety risk). I can use the bathroom that most closely aligns with my gender at that time to minimize the psychological cost (but if this happens to be the male bathroom I am trading the psychological cost for a much higher safety risk). Or I can avoid going to the bathroom until I have access to a gender neutral, all-gender, or non-gendered washroom with the increased risk of getting a UTI if this becomes a regular occurrence. When I’m out, having a friend to go to the washroom with can help protect against the safety risk posed by strangers but it doesn’t take away the impact of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom. 

As you can see, none of these options is great. But it has led to me making note of every business I come across that has non-gendered washrooms. 

GOING TO THE GYM AND OTHER PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

Going to the gym includes a few different things I want to talk about. The first is the changeroom situation. This closely mirrors the things I talked about related to public washrooms but with a few extra points. We aren’t just using a stall at the gym, we’re actually getting changed, often in view of strangers. This can be terrifying for anyone who’s body doesn’t fit the gendered expectations associated with the space they’re in. Getting changed is also often a trigger of dysphoria for lots of trans and nonbinary people. So overall, this experience sucks. 

On the plus side, most change rooms include bathroom stalls or changing stalls. This added privacy can definitely help with the safety risk. There are also often family change rooms that are single use. I know it feels weird to use those as a single person (maybe this is one of the random benefits of being a parent as a nonbinary or trans person?). I’ve done it when my dysphoria was too bad to feel comfortable using the women’s change room (and there’s no way I look like I belong in the men’s). It feels like everyone is watching you and judging you for using the one family change room as a single person but I know it’s what I need to do sometimes so I change as fast as I can and try to ignore the feelings of guilt. 

Then there’s the working out part of going to the gym. Let’s ignore for a minute that there’s a global pandemic and lots of areas have gyms closed or many of us are choosing to work out at home instead. Some of this will still apply. 

Gyms often have at least one wall made of mirrors. This sucks for a lot of people with dysphoria. Though I have found that sometimes, if my dysphoria is mostly social in nature rather than physical, seeing my body do something strong and personal and gender-affirming can actually help mitigate dysphoria or increase euphoria. 

The physical activity involved in working out can have lots of positive effects on our bodies in terms of endorphins, health, mood, energy level, and a sense of control over our physical being that we often feel so at odds with. All of these things can help improve our resilience and resistance to the negative effects of dysphoria. Unfortunately, with the nature of lots of types of physical activity, we can’t use some of our dysphoria management strategies such as binding, tucking, or packing. And feeling parts of our body move around that we don’t feel should be there in the first place can make certain types of physical activity a strong trigger of dysphoria.

Luckily there are lots of different types of physical activity to choose from. And that’s the last part of going to the gym, or in this case, even working out at home, that I wanted to talk about. For me, different types of physical activity feel more or less affirming depending on how my gender feels at the time. Whether it’s social conditioning or something inherent in the types of movement and how they feel in my body, stretching, Pilates, and low impact or endurance cardio feel more feminine to me, kickboxing and Thai chi feel more neutral, and weight lifting and higher intensity cardio feel more masculine. I can choose the type of activity that feels most in alignment with my gender at the time or I can choose a type of activity that will temporarily make me feel a different aspect of my gender to increase my sense of balance. 

THE POWER OF A NONBINARY PERSPECTIVE

Discovering you are nonbinary starts with questioning the gender binary. But living as a nonbinary person and challenging the gender binary on a daily basis also gives you the skills and awareness to recognize other binary situations and systems that you are uniquely equipped to navigate in a new way. 

For example, we have the saying ‘there are two sides to every story’. But what about a third or fourth interpretation? What about recognizing that those two sides overlap? What if neither side is wholly correct or wholly incorrect? 

In divisive politics and crisis situations, there is often a rhetoric of ‘you are either for us or against us’ or there being a ‘right way’ and a ‘wrong way’ to react to a situation. A perspective derived from a nonbinary view of gender teaches us that there is lots of space for middle ground, other options, and nuance. 

And lastly, when it comes to emotions, we often struggle with so called ‘conflicting’ emotions – grief and gratitude, love and anger, excitement and frustration, relief and shame. We often express these emotions by saying something like ‘I’m so excited to get my new ID but it’s taking forever!’ or ‘I will really miss my grandmother but I’m glad she’s in a better place’. We use the word ‘but’ between concepts that feel like they conflict because the two can’t possibly exist in the same space at the same time. This would be equivalent to me describing my gender by saying ‘I’m female but I’m also male.’ Instead, what I say and what feels true for me is ‘I’m both female and male.’ Applying a nonbinary perspective to conflicting emotions teaches us that just because these emotions are different from each other does not mean they are in opposition, in conflict, or are mutually exclusive. Just as various experiences of gender can exist in the same person at the same time, so can various emotions. Try listening for the times when you use the word ‘but’ and switch it out for the word ‘and’. You might be surprised by how this little change in phrasing makes the experience you are describing feel more whole and valid. 

REACH OUT!

If you have other thoughts on how being nonbinary has influenced your perspective on the world or you’re struggling with the day to day experience of living as a nonbinary person, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you and help if I can, or connect you to other resources. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 7 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 8 I will be talking about pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person including navigating the incredibly gendered world of fertility and pregnancy, the physical experience of being pregnant, and my thoughts as I look ahead to parenting.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E5: Coming Out as Nonbinary

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again), and how to respond to inappropriate questions and ignorance. 

TO COME OUT OR NOT TO COME OUT…

I look at coming out as an equation between pros and cons. On the pro side, I have need and benefit. How much do I need to come out? This often comes down to how much I’m struggling with not being out. As someone who is somewhat genderfluid and about 50% of the time is comfortable being identified as female, most of the time my need to come out is pretty low. If I’ve been experiencing a lot of dysphoria or been through a triggering situation, the need definitely goes up. 

How much will coming out benefit me? And how likely am I to receive those benefits? The benefit to me of everyone I come out to accepting me 100% as a nonbinary person is very high but the likelihood of that happening is very low, much lower than for binary trans people. This is simply due to society’s reliance on the gender binary and the lack of understanding of nonbinary identities. 

On the con side, there’s cost and risk. What is the emotional cost required to receive the benefit? I.e. how much emotional labour will I have to do to get someone to the point where they understand my identity or at least understand how to be supportive and are consistently following through on that? This varies but is generally on the high end. Also included in cost is the emotional cost of being misgendered. In mine and my husband’s experience, being misgendered by someone you have come out to hurts a lot more than being misgendered by someone you haven’t come out to yet. And if it’s going to be a struggle for people to understand my identity and gender me correctly, I am likely to get misgendered more often than correctly gendered. So this definitely puts the cost at the high end. 

I think of risk as what I might lose by coming out. Is there a risk to my physical wellbeing either due to safety or stability (job, housing, etc) by coming out? In my case, I have a lot of privilege and support in this area and have very low risk to my safety and security. 

So if the need and benefit of coming out are both low and the cost is high, why have I come out to anyone? Well, certain things can shift this equation in favour of coming out. As I said, the need goes up when I’m having a particularly difficult day, a longer period of more intense dysphoria, or experience a triggering situation. The cost can also go down significantly if I am talking to someone who is queer, someone who openly expresses awareness of trans issues or, even better, nonbinary identities and pronouns, or if I am in a position of power in relation to the person or people I am coming out to. 

The longer I have identified as nonbinary and the more times I’ve come out to people, the better I get at recognizing these low cost situations and capitalizing on them or the higher need situations and making sure I get the support I need without traumatizing myself further by having a high cost conversation with someone just based on proximity. 

COMING OUT CONSIDERATIONS

So what are some of the things you should think about when you’re deciding to come out to someone?

The first thing should be safety. This includes both emotional and physical safety. What views has the person expressed? How much risk is there to your wellbeing if the conversation isn’t received well? Coming out is always a scary process. I don’t think I have ever come out as nonbinary to someone without at least a small amount of fear. So it definitely can be a challenge to figure out if this fear is your natural anxiety about doing something big or if there is a legitimate risk to your safety. Take precautions, have a back up plan in case it doesn’t go well, find outside sources of support and stability as much as possible, and trust your gut. 

The next thing to do is figure out what your expectations are. What outcome are you expecting from this particular coming out conversation? How much might you lose? How hard to you think the conversation (or conversations) will be? This will help you figure out if it’s worth the cost. 

And lastly, consider the context. Who are you coming out to? If they are someone that is very close to you and has a high impact on your safety and stability, the emotional cost and risk will be higher, but also so will the need and benefit. Are they likely to talk to anyone else, either because they tend to spread news or because they will need to have someone to discuss it with in order to process? Are you ok with that or is this something you want to explicitly discuss during the conversation? Who else is around you at the time you are having this conversation? Are there others that might overhear who you don’t want to be coming out to, or who you would like to overhear so they know without you having to explicitly tell them? What medium are you using to come out? Up until now I have discussed it as though it is a face to face conversation but this doesn’t have to be the case. Both my husband and I have found a written format, usually via email, to be the easiest. But that only works for the planned, thought about in advance type of coming out conversations, not the ones where you capitalize on a low cost or high need situation. And lastly, consider your ability to care for yourself in that context. Will you have time alone soon after? Will you have access to your most effective self-care tools or support networks? How can you adjust the context so you do have access to those things?

This can seem like a lot of questions to ask yourself in a split second between someone calling you by a binary term and you deciding to correct them or not. But some of these questions will be more important to you than others. Some of them are make or break. Those are the ones you want to focus on. 

EXPLAINING YOUR IDENTITY TO CIS PEOPLE

So let’s say the equation tips in favour of coming out. Coming out as nonbinary, or any queer identity for that matter, requires using language that is not necessarily understood in the same way or understood at all by the person you are coming out to. When we find labels that work for us, they help us understand ourselves and often help us connect with others who share our experiences. But when we are going to use them as a communication tool such as in the coming out process, we have to remember that words are used to represent abstract concepts and not everyone has the same understanding of those concepts as we do. 

There are lots of aspects of queer identity and culture that are not understood, or misunderstood, by mainstream culture. This is because the majority of exposure to queer culture is via the media which is notorious for picking stories that are sensational, that are the most shocking or the most palatable to the mainstream, and that are the most visible or common. This leaves many queer experiences misinterpreted or not represented at all. So when we use language that connects to concepts built by the media, it can take a lot of energy to counteract those concepts in order for the person we are trying to come out to to accurately understand our experience and identity. 

This knowledge gap can be very frustrating and can often take you by surprise. What do you mean you’ve never heard the term nonbinary? What do you mean you’ve never heard of anyone using they/them pronouns? When we have been so immersed in this world and information as we try to figure ourselves out, it can be a shock to realize how far behind everyone else is. 

When you are coming out, you can ignore this knowledge gap and expect people to look up the terms you used that they don’t understand (and even provide them resources) but what if they don’t even understand that it is important enough an issue that they need to do this work? If you can find a key person or two in each group of people you are coming out to (family, co-workers, friends) and spend the time and energy to bring them up to speed, they can hopefully then help bring others along or at least be a good example of how to refer to you. 

The first step to bringing someone up to speed is noticing when there is a knowledge gap and identifying how big it is. If they have looks of confusion or ask vague awkward questions like ‘So when did this start’ or ‘Why are you telling me all this’ or even ‘What, what do you mean, nonbinary,’ these are good indicators that they do not have the background knowledge required to understand what you are telling them. 

The next step is to connect the dots. I tend to use a working backwards approach. If they’re confused about nonbinary, I suggest that gender isn’t just male and female. If they relate my gender to my body, I talk about gender and sex being separate concepts. If they want to know my life history and make everything about gender or are looking for some kind of trigger, I talk about identity as an ever evolving thing that was there from the start even if I didn’t have the words to understand or express it. If they have a strong, especially negative, reaction to a label I use, I ask them what comes to mind when they hear that label. If it’s a new label to them, they might just not like the feeling of being confused. Or, they may have a bad or incorrect association with it from media representation that I would then have to correct or find a different label to use (which is why I like knowing a few different ones that work for me). From there, I work my way back up to the understanding of my identity that I wanted them to have in the first place. 

The last step is to leave them with a clear takeaway message. For me, this is usually a combination of ‘You don’t have to fully understand my identity in order to support me’ and ‘I would like you to avoid female gendered language and use these terms and they/them pronouns instead’ or whatever my expectations are for that individual or group. Check out the post on bridging the gap between mainstream and queer and trans culture for more tips and useful phrases.

EXPLAINING DYSPHORIA TO CIS PEOPLE

Another aspect of coming out is often having to explain why you don’t feel like the gender you were assigned at birth. Typically this includes a description of the types of dysphoria you feel. Most cis people don’t know about the concept of dysphoria let alone understand what it feels like. So I find it helpful to relate it to something they might have experienced. Some of the phrases I’ve used include wearing an ill fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off, having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to painful that you can’t do anything about, or not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror. 

Even more important than explaining what dysphoria feels like is explaining what the impact is on you. For this, I describe how exhausting it can be to have part of your mental and emotional space taken up by the effort to ignore those sensations of pins and needles, or how it feels like being pinched every time you’re misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone you’re not out to) and punched when you’re misgendered by someone you are out to, or how you feel like the parts of you that feel comfortable are invisible and the parts everyone can see are the ones that feel wrong. 

I hope you find these phrases helpful in your coming out process. 

THEY/THEM PRONOUNS

If you are someone who uses they/them or neopronouns and will be asking people you come out to to adopt these pronouns, these conversations are all about shifting the other person’s mental image of you. This takes practice and most people have never had to do this until someone they know comes out as trans. So naturally, the more clarity you can give them on who you are, why your old identity doesn’t fit, and why the identity you are telling them about feels authentic and important to you, the easier time they will have in adopting the pronouns and name you are asking them to use. Take a listen to Season 2 Episode 4 for more ideas on names, pronouns, and other gendered language. 

EXPLAINING FLUID GENDER IDENTITIES

If you are someone who has a fluid gender identity, coming out often requires an explanation of your total gender experience and a shorter version of how you feel in the moment and how you want to be referred to that you would repeat at each interaction or when your gender has shifted. I’ll talk more about this in Episode 6. 

KNOWING YOUR BOUNDARIES

As you will have noticed from what I’ve talked about so far, and likely experienced yourself, coming out involves a lot of educating others. Often, especially at the beginning of this process (that goes on for the rest of our lives), we engage in conversations that are more exhausting than they are worth or reveal more personal information than was necessary for that individual or situation. In short, we cross our personal boundaries before we realize. 

People will ask invasive and inappropriate questions without knowing that’s what they’re doing. And sometimes, you will answer them without realizing that you don’t owe them that information. This can make you feel exposed, defensive, or antagonistic either in response to the question or at the next encounter with this person. This has definitely happened to me and is never a good place to be. The other person may be surprised when your demeanor suddenly changes or may become antagonistic themself. The relationship that you valued enough to want to come out can become a source of pain or even a safety risk. 

So how do you figure out where your boundaries are before you or someone else crosses them by accident? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself that might help. 

With regards to general information, are you comfortable…

  • Disclosing your birth name?
  • Explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
  • Talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
  • Talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance  or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
  • Talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
  • Talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
  • Talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

With regards to medical and legal information, are you comfortable…

  • Talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
  • Talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of these medications?
  • Disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?
  • Talking about legal documentation changes?
  • Discussing transphobic policies and politics?

Answering yes or no to each of these questions is a good start. You may want to do this a few times based on who you are talking to or what context you are in. For example, you may answer differently if you are talking to a co-worker, a close family member, a trans person, or your medical doctor. 

So what if someone asks about one of those things that you aren’t comfortable disclosing that information but you don’t want to discourage them or shut down the conversation completely? Here are a few different options. 

Try explaining why that’s not something that is appropriate to ask or why this is not an appropriate context to ask it in. This response still provides education and helps them be better informed and a better ally and keeps a positive relationship and rapport between you but without crossing your personal boundaries. 

Have resources ready to recommend so they can look up general information on the topic they are asking about. Usually acquaintances, co-workers, or friends are asking you specifically because you are the first trans or nonbinary person they have been exposed to and you happen to be there when the question occurs to them. They don’t necessarily want to know your specific story even if that’s how they phrase the question.

Challenge them based on the phrasing of the question. If they ask ‘Are you having the surgery?’ you can respond ‘What surgery?’ If they can’t answer with a more specific informed question, they don’t deserve your personal response. 

Provide a general response instead of a personal one regardless of how they ask the question. For example ‘I’m not comfortable answering that for myself but from what I’ve heard from other trans people, some do [example A for these reasons] and some do [example B for these reasons]’. 

Remember, hindsight is 20/20. There will definitely be times when you disclose more than you meant to or realize later that there was no reason why you had to answer their question. This can lead to a lot of guilt and regret about not standing up for yourself or protecting your privacy when you had the right to. Try to be kind to yourself. We’ve all done that and all you can do is learn as much as you can from others about how to have the conversations in advance and explore where your boundaries are before they are crossed. 

SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND GENDER

Another aspect of coming out in terms of gender is how it impacts your sexuality. When my husband came out at trans one of the most common questions I got was whether that made me straight. I haven’t gotten nearly as many questions about my sexuality when I have come out as nonbinary but I also haven’t come out to nearly as many people. However, I definitely questioned my own sexuality and how to describe it to others when I came out to myself as nonbinary. Also consider that coming out to your partner may cause them to question their own sexuality (which they may or may not feel prepared to do). I’ll talk more about all these intersections of gender and sexual orientation in Episode 6 as well. 

GUIDELINES FOR CIS PEOPLE

One of the other posts on my blog I recommend checking out is called How to Be Respectful Towards a Trans Person. This is a resource written for cis people as a guideline of how to respond when someone in their life comes out to them as trans. It has different sections depending on the nature of the relationship to the trans person. You can read through this yourself to get a better understanding of how people should and should not respond to you when you come out or you can include it in your resources that you recommend or give to people when you come out.

REACH OUT!

Coming out is an intense, scary, repetitive, exhausting, but often rewarding experience. If you are struggling with this process and want to reach out, you can email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember, you are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 5 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 6 I will be talking about some of the more complex aspects of being nonbinary such as genderfluid identities, how physical and social aspects of gender can feel at odds with each other, and how nonbinary genders interact with sexual orientation.

Talk to you soon.

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Third Trimester and Weird Pregnancy Symptoms

I’m so close to the end of pregnancy! And the very sudden transition to parenthood. That’s not terrifying at all.

THIRD TRIMESTER

Third trimester has been all about coping as best as I can and preparing for life ahead. I have continued to have pelvic and back pain what has slowly gotten worse. I have a lot of difficulty rolling over in bed, getting out of bed in the morning, and moving around first thing (including getting to the bathroom). On the plus side, all the stiffness and pain I had in my neck, upper back, and ribs has resolved due to the increase in relaxin. If I wake up with a stiff neck it is gone within a couple hours.

And stiff necks are common since I have to sleep on an incline in order to avoid heartburn. I have to eat smaller meals, drink lots of water, often have something creamy like milk or ice cream after a more acidic meal, and occasionally take tums in order to keep heartburn away. I know lots of people have worse cases of heartburn than this so in this regard I feel pretty lucky.

As it is currently mid August, I do struggle with overheating (which happens to make heartburn worse as well). Pain also increases my body temperature. And when I overheat, I get woozy, dehydrated, nauseous, and very fatigued. So staying cool is important. I have taken to wearing a damp headband hanging around my neck (like having a damp towel on the back of your neck but it doesn’t fall off) and hanging out in the basement or air conditioned spaces as much as I need to on hot days. As the area I was working in had no air conditioning and routinely got up to 26 degrees C, I ended up going off work a couple weeks earlier than planned.

Mostly, my body feels heavy and painful and every movement or activity takes twice as much effort. I’m still trying to enjoy the aspects of pregnancy that I can while I still get to experience them but more and more I am looking forward to the end of this phase (at which point I am able to start taking naproxen again!).

Other than the physical aspects of the third trimester, this part of my pregnancy has been characterized by looking ahead and preparing for what’s to come. This started with learning about labour and birth and moved on to learning about feeding, baby care, and postpartum experiences. I created a birth plan (descriptions of each stage of labour and reminders of what might be helpful to me during each phase) and a to-do list to prepare for labour and postpartum. My husband and I have used our planned time off in advance of baby to get as much of this list done as we can.

People call this ‘nesting’. I think of it more as responsible urgency. You never know when the baby will make their appearance so getting useful preparations done early makes sense. It’s not that I feel the need to clean the whole house and sterilize every surface. In fact, that was nowhere on the list and I likely won’t have time or energy for it. But I do want to have the nursery ready, some frozen meals prepared, and a hospital to-go bag packed in advance.

I will give you an update of how our postpartum experience compared to what I expect and whether these preparations were helpful once life with a little one feels manageable. And of course, whatever gendery things are going on during that phase as well.

WEIRD PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

Most of these have nothing to do with gender but I wanted to share some of the more strange symptoms I have experienced that I hadn’t heard about until I asked if others had similar experiences.

I have way more freckles, moles, and other little dark spots than I did before. They are mostly on my chest, shoulders, upper back, and arms. I had lots of these before being pregnant but I have way more now. Will they go away afterwards? I guess we’ll find out!

In the last few weeks I have found my skin to be hypersensitive, especially with repeated stimuli like while having a shower. I can tolerate the water hitting me for 5-8 minutes but then it starts to feel like pins and needles. Stiffer clothes or anything with a label in it is extremely irritating. Even the waistband of my underwear can make my skin itch or sting.

The outside surface of my belly feels almost numb. I have lots of stretch marks which might be related but I figure if I started out with a certain number of nerve endings and then my surface area expanded, I likely have fewer nerves per area of skin. My husband can touch me on the belly and if I don’t see it I won’t even know. One of the more common symptoms is an itchy belly (which I also have sometimes). I wonder if this is due to stretching, muscles getting ready for labour, or my brain’s way of filling in the sensation that I’m missing from that area being mostly numb. Either way, it’s definitely weird.

And lastly, I have grown a thin layer of dark hair all over my belly, a little bit on my chest, and I have long thick peach fuzz below my ears and down my neck and jaw a bit. While most people who are pregnant are disappointed, embarrassed, or weirded out by this, I love it. Unless I take testosterone in the future, this is likely the only time I will have belly, chest, and (kind of) facial hair. Unfortunately, people have said it goes away soon after pregnancy is done. This is one pregnancy symptom I wouldn’t mind keeping.

Are there any other weird pregnancy symptoms you’ve heard of or experienced? Did they interact with your gender at all? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

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Staying Positive

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard no matter what your experience is. You want it to be over but you’re nervous about the birthing process and having to care for the little being on the outside. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration, discomfort, and anxiety, especially when dysphoria is thrown into the mix. So I’ve been asking myself a couple questions to keep myself focused on the positive and excited for the future. The answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Here are a few of my responses.

What am I going to miss about being pregnant (that I want to be fully present for while it’s still happening)?

  • Feeling the baby move
  • Feeling baby hiccups
  • Having a strong, visceral, automatic bond with this being
  • Being able to keep the baby fed, clean, and protected with my body
  • The extra fuzz around my face and hair on my belly and chest
  • The tenting effect of a shirt stretched out over my belly that hides my chest
    • Also my chest feeling smaller in comparison to my much larger belly

What am I looking forward to once I’m not pregnant (not related to the baby because who knows what that will be like, just for myself)?

  • Wearing my wedding ring
  • Sleeping in any position
  • Less pain, allowing me to walk without a cane or walker
    • Especially going for walks in nature with my husband and dog
  • Wearing my favourite clothes, especially underwear
  • Wearing a binder (eventually)
  • No more heartburn!

The other way to stay positive that works well for me is having a few key phrases that help me stay engaged and motivated despite constantly feeling uncomfortable. Again, these are very individual. What is helpful to me may not be to someone else but here are a few of the ones I’ve been using.

  • I am nonbinary, therefore my body is nonbinary, therefore my experience of pregnancy, birthing, and parenting is a nonbinary experience.
  • Stay cool and hydrated.
  • Rest when you need to but don’t give up on getting things done. Try again later or find a different way to do it.
  • Give the pets lots of attention and enjoy their cuddles.
  • Take it one day, one week at a time.
  • Every move the baby makes, no matter how uncomfortable, heavy, or nauseating, is a sign that they’re doing well.
  • Your body is capable of amazing things. Listen to what it’s telling you and believe in the wisdom it holds.

I hope this focus on positivity, excitement, and empowerment helps you find ways to strengthen those emotions for yourself as well. Hang in there. The world is a crazy place whether there are big changes in your near future or not.

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In My Body

Note: Although this post is specifically about my experience of being pregnant, you might find what I talk about relates closely with other major life events such as health challenges, injuries, and aspects of transitioning. I hope you find it interesting, if not relevant to your own experiences.

Being pregnant is a weird experience. Everyone who is or has been pregnant experiences it differently, both physically and emotionally.

There are both positive and negative aspects to the process that we have to navigate. Some of the positive aspects can help offset the negative ones, but sometimes our only ways to cope with the negative ones also diminish the positive.

I am currently trying to deal with physical body pain as well as physical and social dysphoria while trying to stay present and experience the wonder of being pregnant.

Generally, the easiest way to cope with both physical pain and dysphoria are to distract myself, decrease my focus on my body. But that also takes my focus away from the internal changes related to being pregnant. This can make me feel like I’m missing out on the experience of being pregnant and decreases my ability to convince myself that the negative aspects are worth it for the sake of growing a human. Regardless, if the pain and/or dysphoria are bad enough, distracting myself from my body becomes a necessary survival tactic.

Most of the time, some amount of focus on the specific parts of my body that relate to the positive aspects of being pregnant actually helps offset the pain and dysphoria by making them feel worth it or at least by giving me something positive to focus on. These aspects include the expansion of my belly, the sensation of the baby moving, and knowledge about the baby’s growth and the changes in my own body.

So focusing on my body in specific ways can heighten my awareness of the positive aspects of pregnancy and offset the negative ones to some extent but too much focus on my body can actually cause the negative aspects and my awareness of them to get worse. This balance point is different every day and in different situations. For me, finding this balance point is an instinctual process.

Lots of prenatal programs encourage meditation, yoga, stretching, and breathing techniques, all of which require or encourage a certain amount of focus on or awareness of your body. Depending on where I need that balance point to be, these activities might do more harm than good for me at any given time.

Everyone’s strategies for managing the positive and negative aspects of pregnancy will be different. Some people may not even be aware they are using a strategy similar to mine. I only recently became aware that I was using this strategy myself. Some people may not be able to understand how this strategy works for me or why it is necessary no matter how much I try to explain it.

Our connection between our mind, body, and emotions is strange and complex. The more you understand how it works for you, the better you will be able to navigate these types of complex, conflicting, and life-changing experiences.

So far, I feel like I’m doing ok.

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Grief and Gratitude

This is not the experience of pregnancy I had hoped for. Everyone hopes for an easy pregnancy with no complications for the baby and minimal difficulty for themselves. Very few people get to experience this but that doesn’t change the hope or the emotional response when it doesn’t happen.

More than anything, I want to enjoy being pregnant and be able to celebrate how my body is creating a new life. But it is hard to feel happy about the experience and excited for it to progress when my body is in constant pain as a result.

Having hopeful expectations that aren’t met causes a feeling of grief. Grief about the experience I wanted to have, grief about not being able to be present and connected to the experience the way I wanted to, and grief about not being able to engage in my everyday life the way I normally would due to being pregnant.

Grief is our way of processing and letting go of those inaccurate expectations. Ignoring grief makes it stronger, makes it have a more insidious effect on my emotional state that I cannot counteract. So I choose to acknowledge it, process it, accept it, and talk about it. Maybe there are others out there who also struggled with grief while pregnant.

But despite feelings of grief, there is not a single moment that I am not grateful to be pregnant. There is not a single moment that I regret all the time, money, and emotions we put into getting to this point. Grief and gratitude can exist at the same time and often do. One does not negate the other.

When I talk about the struggle that I am experiencing as a result of being pregnant, I often get a sympathetic reaction but I also get comments of ‘it could be worse’ or ‘just be grateful you were able to get pregnant’ or ‘just wait, it’ll be even harder once the kid is born’. These comments are often accompanied by stories of terrible pregnancy symptoms, struggles with infertility or miscarriage, and comparisons between pregnancy and life with a newborn. While these are likely true stories, they do not often relate directly to my experience in a way that will help me cope or prepare for the future, nor do they acknowledge or hold space for my grief.

So next time you ask someone how they are doing, whether because they are pregnant or because of other difficult situations (of which there are so very many in the world at the moment), try to hear the emotion embedded in their experience and connect with that rather than the situation on the surface. You may have experienced a similar situation but had a very different emotional experience with it that will not resonate or provide support for the person you are talking to. But if you can relate with a story that shares the same emotional experience even if it was a completely different set of circumstances, this will be much more supportive and powerful.

Emotions are complex. Many conflicting emotions can exist at once within each person. Just because I am grieving certain aspects of this pregnancy experience does not mean I am not grateful for every part of it at the same time. And that is perfectly fine.

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Second Trimester Part 1

GENDER

I have stayed close to the middle of the gender spectrum over the past few months with some fluctuations towards the female side. This has made me feel balanced and stable within my gender, much more so than last time (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender).

But as I predicted, dysphoria has definitely gotten worse since telling people I’m pregnant and starting to show. The belly is not really an issue though it is the thing that people use to identify me as pregnant and then start treating me more femininely. Referring to my belly or the fact that I’m pregnant with typically feminine terms definitely increases my social dysphoria and feelings of invisibility.

Worse than the belly is the bra shopping and maternity clothes. Nothing makes top dysphoria worse than your breasts out-growing your bras every couple months. Unfortunately, I have some swelling that could get significantly worse with taping and rib pain that makes binding impossible.

I’m sure both physical and social dysphoria will get worse as I get closer to my due date. Unfortunately, with this social distancing we are all living with at the moment (due to COVID-19), I have less access to the various forms of support I’ve be building for myself over the last nine months (various queer discussion and support groups in my area and a bi-monthly queer games group).

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I have considerably more energy than I did at the end of the first trimester. I have just started getting heartburn. So far I don’t have any swelling in my legs though I have been congested in the evenings and overnight for a few weeks.

Mostly, my joint pain has gotten considerably worse. For most pregnant people, this is a symptom that comes on later in pregnancy with the increased weight and change in posture. But for people with underlying inflammatory or connective tissue disorders/conditions, their symptoms can get considerably worse earlier on in pregnancy. This has been the case for me.

As of mid-March, I have been using a walker when out of the house. Most of the time I can walk around the house without a cane but sometimes I need it in the evenings. I have rib and neck pain, my knees ache, and my wrists, elbows, and shoulders are slowly getting worse the more I have to rely on them to support me when I’m walking.

Needless to say, my role at work has changed and my ability to contribute to household chores has decreased significantly in the last few weeks. I am trying to find creative ways to do things or shift roles to ones I can manage easier even if it’s not something I typically enjoy doing.

The lack of mobility is frustrating but feeling useless or like I’m just getting in the way is worse. I don’t mind having to use gait aids (it is part of my job to encourage people who would benefit from them to use them) but it is hard to deal with the reason I need the walker or cane – the constant but fluctuating pain. Looking ahead to another six months of this as it slowly gets worse is extremely difficult.

I am trying to stay positive and say ‘at least it’s for a good cause’ and ‘at least I know it will have an end point’ but I’d like to be able to enjoy the process of being pregnant, at least a little bit. Maybe once I am consistently feeling the baby move and able to share that with my husband I will feel more connected to the positive side of this process.

For now, I will keep taking it one day at a time, do the best I can, and take breaks when I need to.

How did your experience of your gender change as your body changed with pregnancy? What physical symptoms did you have to contend with?

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Non-binary and Pregnant (Again)

That’s right! I am in my second trimester of pregnancy!

HOW WE GOT HERE

After the miscarriage (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender), we continued with IUI for two more cycles (taking a month off between each as before). When that didn’t work, we tried a medicated IUI cycle where I took a follicle stimulating drug. The goal was to force my body to produce and release multiple eggs.

The drugs gave me hot flashes, dizzy spells, racing heart, and decreased appetite. We decided that if this cycle didn’t work, we would take a longer break to build up some money and prepare for IVF. The two week wait was particularly intense and when it came back negative, it took extra time and energy to recover from.

IVF

We calculated that it would take about eight months to build up the money needed for IVF but with the help of both of our families, we were able to start much sooner.

The IVF process involved a lot of hormone injections, abdominal discomfort from enlarged ovaries, many internal ultrasounds, an egg harvesting procedure, daily embryo updates, and eventually an embryo implantation.

What with all the hormones in my system and the aching ovaries, I had no idea if I was pregnant or not until the blood test. Which came back positive!!

PREGNANT AGAIN

This time, we knew for sure that the egg had properly developing genetic material inside so we had already avoided the cause of my previous miscarriage. Over the next few weeks I slowly developed the typical first trimester symptoms – fatigue, nausea (luckily not too bad), and increased hunger and thirst. The aching in my ovaries slowly faded and resolved by about week six.

We had our first ultrasound at week 7. There it was, a little bean, floating in a pool in my womb. Better yet, there was a little fluttering spot in the bean that showed a heartbeat!

My pregnancy symptoms continued to worsen until week nine when the nausea suddenly disappeared. My appetite and thirst increased even more. Around week six I started to have increasing joint pain. I have chronic SI joint problems and low level body inflammation and often take naproxen to manage pain. It is a wonder drug for me but unfortunately, you can’t take naproxen or anything like it while pregnant. So, over time my SI pain has gotten worse and I have had to use a cane, wear an SI belt, and be careful what I do at work.

THE GENDERY STUFF

The IVF process had a lot of ups and downs with regards to gender. There were times when I felt like I fit right in and felt affirmed as a woman, in awe of what my body was doing. Then there were times when I felt very out of place, at odds and uncomfortable with being identified as a woman. At those times, using the women’s bathroom and signing many documents that identified me as a woman were particularly difficult.

I was forced to be aware of and interact with my ‘female parts’ in invasive and unavoidable ways. I had many transvaginal ultrasounds throughout the IVF process, one of which fell on a particularly dysphoric day, after which I immediately had to go to work, and took me hours to recover from. All procedures since then have been slightly more difficult regardless of dysphoria just because of the memory of that experience.

During the pregnancy so far I have been floating around the female side of neutral, much closer to the middle of my typical gender bandwidth than the last time I was pregnant (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender). Is this because I have had more time to become comfortable and confident in my gender or because the hormone balance is different this time around? Who knows. Regardless, this means I have had more balance but slightly more dysphoria than last time.

LOOKING AHEAD

As I move into the second trimester and start to show more and tell people, I’m expecting my social dysphoria, and eventually my physical dysphoria, to get worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage this ok with the support that I have and a lessening of the first trimester fatigue.

I will try to post more frequent updates on how things are going and what being pregnant is like as a non-binary person.

If you or someone close to you is going through the IVF process and you would like more details on my experience or someone to talk to I am happy to share in a more private setting. Feel free to email me or leaving your contact info in the comments.

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New Year, New Goals

Happy New Year!

Though not specifically gender related, I thought I’d talk about my current goal setting process. This is something that has helped me maintain a sense of progress and control which is especially important during unpredictable fluctuations in my gender, frustrating stages of transition, or other stressful life events.

Step 1: WHAT is your goal?

During the second half of December and first half of January, I think about the different areas of my life that I want to set goals for. Mine are typically health, creative projects, and housework. I pick 1-3 goals per category but no more than five total. For example, last year in the health category I had a weight goal and a cardio goal. This year I have a general fitness goal.

Goals should always be something that is important to you, not something you think you should do. They should be something you can easily state in a few words and something that you will feel motivated to work on for a whole year. If there is something you are working towards that will be completed halfway through the year (a competition or event), think about what you might want to work on for the rest of the year once that is done (whether or not you achieve the result you wanted).

Step 2: WHY is the goal important?

For each of your goals, write down as many reasons you can think of as to why this goal is important to you. How will it enrich your life? Will it improve your mood, help you connect with someone, decrease your stress, give you a sense of purpose, help you achieve an even larger goal, decrease dysphoria, build community, or increase your energy level?

Take some time with this step. Be holistic. I usually have 3-5 per goal. The things you write in this section will keep you motivated to achieve your goal when it gets hard or get back on track if you get derailed.

Step 3: HOW will you achieve your goal?

This is where you come up with strategies to achieve your goal. Trying to achieve a goal through sheer willpower is ineffective and exhausting. When forming a new habit or trying to make steady progress towards a goal, there are internal and external factors that will make it harder. This is called friction. For example, not having your exercise clothes with you when you could go to the gym or having snack food around that you constantly have to resist in order to eat healthier.

The strategies you are looking for are ones that decrease the friction for you and make the goal easier and as automatic as possible to achieve. These should be as concrete and personalized as possible. They might take some trial and error to figure out but don’t take too long to settle into a routine.

One habit forming hack is to connect the new behaviour to something you’re already doing. If you have an established morning routine and you want to meditate ten minutes a day, get up ten minutes earlier and fit it into your morning routine. If you have a weekly planning routine, plan out which days you are going to exercise instead of leaving it to chance.

Another good strategy is accountability. Find a buddy to exercise with. Find a friend with a similar goal and set up a regular time to meet up and review both of your progress and help each other solve roadblocks. If you’re even more brave, you can post your goals on social media with regular updates.

And lastly, rewards. If you respond well to rewards, include these in your strategies. Try to find rewards that won’t make another goal harder to achieve – for example, rewarding yourself for completing ten workouts by going out for dinner when you’re trying to decrease spending or change your eating habits. The best rewards are ones that support the same goal – rewarding yourself for a fitness goal by getting new workout equipment, new workout clothes, or new headphones (again, not a good plan if you’re trying to decrease spending but you get the idea). Another option for rewards is to have someone else decide on rewards for you which they will provide when you achieve a milestone (adds some anticipation, randomization, and excitement). This is a nice combination of the rewards and accountability strategies.

Step 4: WHEN is your goal complete?

How will you know when you have achieved your goal? This is the stage where you decide how you will measure your progress and end point. Every goal is measurable, you just have to figure out how. Different types of goals can be measured in different ways.

A specific process or habit based goal can be measured by doing the habit a certain number of times per week. If you multiply this by 52 weeks in the year, you will get your goal for the whole year. Or you can keep it as a weekly target and measure it by how many weeks of the year you met the target. This also works for daily or monthly goals.

A more general process or habit based goal that doesn’t have a weekly target can be measured in percentages. You might have to set up a tracking system for various parts of the goal to do this. The one that I do this with is my housekeeping schedule. My goal is to ‘maintain a clean house’. Doesn’t seem measurable, right? I set up a cleaning schedule that includes some weekly tasks, some monthly tasks, and some seasonal tasks. I have a grid of 52 weeks for each weekly task, a grid of 12 for each monthly task, and so on. I colour in the corresponding square when I complete the task. I then calculate how many I completed out of how many I was expected to complete and multiply by 100 to get a percentage. In the ‘when’ section for this goal, I have determined three targets for weekly tasks and three for monthly tasks – a minimum, good, and awesome percentage as a benchmark.

For an outcome based goal you will likely already have a measurable end point in mind – finish a project, run a marathon, achieve a certain weight. The difficulty with these is that the target is so far away that it’s hard to tell if you’re making any progress. So you’ll have to break it down into smaller pieces. Set as many measurable milestones as makes sense for your goal. Attach a timeline to each of these milestones so that you know if you’re still on track to reach the outcome.

Step 5: REVIEW PERIOD

How often will you revisit your goals and review your progress? Waiting until the end of the year doesn’t give you the opportunity to adjust your effort, strategies, measurement, or expectations. For some goals I have a weekly tracker or a monthly tracker built in but I will be reviewing all my goals and assessing my progress quarterly. This is a nice frequency because it roughly matches up with the seasonal changes and isn’t too far apart to forget why it’s important or get too far off track if my strategies aren’t working.

You know that burst of motivation that you get at the beginning of the year when everyone is talking about goals? Revisiting your goals and assessing your progress a few times a year gives you another smaller burst of the same motivation.

What are your goal setting and planning strategies? Leave a comment below if you have something different that works for you! I’m always looking for new ways to set, maintain motivation, and achieve my goals.

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Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises

If you haven’t read it yet, check out Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects. I will refer to the same areas of the body and some of those effects in this post.

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS

  • Try to wear it as short a time as possible. Most recommendations state no longer than 8 hours but if you work 8 or 10 or 12 hour days, that just isn’t possible. Just know that the longer you wear it, the worse the above effects will be.
  • Try to wear it as few days as possible. If you have severe dysphoria and can’t leave the house without a binder on, try to have one day a week where you stick close to home so you can stay binder free. Or try other slightly less compressive options as many days of the week as possible.
  • Avoid exercise while wearing a binder. Your lungs cannot expand the way they need to during exercise which forces your heart rate to go up significantly more to compensate. Also, you will have poor spinal and shoulder mobility, causing stress and damage to other joints, muscles, and tendons.
  • Do not bind while sleeping. When we sleep we are not aware of discomfort. You could be causing damage and not know about it. Also, while you are unconscious and thus not aware of dysphoria, this is the ideal time to take a break from binding.
  • Never bind with ace bandages. The tension in the wrap can shift over time causing one layer to loosen and another to tighten beyond what is safe.

EXERCISES

Deep breathing

Benefits lungs, ribs, and pelvic floor.

For the following exercises:

  • Best done in a seated position but can be done lying on your back.
  • If you start to get light-headed, breathe normally until it clears.
  • If you have COPD, skip the first exercise and focus on breathing all your air out between each deep breath in.

Active Breathing Cycle

  • Take a deep breath
  • Hold it in for 2-3 seconds
  • Let all the air out by compressing the lungs until they are empty
  • Take a full deep breath, then breathe normally for 5 breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Diaphragmatic breathing

  • Place a hand on your upper belly, just below your breastbone
  • On each breath in, take a deep breath, pushing your tummy out into your hand
  • Try to minimize the rise or widening of your chest
  • Try to only move your tummy to breathe
  • Cycle of 5 belly breaths and 3 regular breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Lateral Costal Breathing

  • This one is a little harder and may take some practice
  • Place your hands on the sides of your ribs (either by bending your elbows or giving yourself a hug)
  • On each breath in, take a deep breath, trying to make your chest as wide as possible and pushing your ribs out into your hands
  • Try to minimize the rise of your chest and the expansion of your belly
  • Cycle 5 wide breaths and 3 regular breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Spine and rib movements

Restores general mobility to the spine and ribs.

Thoracic Side Bending

  • In a seated position, hold on hand on your ribs at the side.
  • Bend towards that hand, bringing the other arm up and over your head.
  • Hold stretch for 10-20 seconds while breathing deeply.
  • Repeat to the other side.
  • Repeat each side 3-5 times.

Thoracic Rotation

  • In a seated position, cross your arms high on your chest so you’re grasping your shoulders.
  • Gently rotate as far as you can one way, and then slowly as far as you can the other way.
  • As you go, you should feel less resistance and be able to rotate a bit further without pain or muscle cramping.
  • Repeat 15-20 times.

Flexion and Extension

  • In a seated position, reach forward, curling your neck, shoulders, and upper back as you breathe out.
  • Take a deep breath in, opening your arms, pulling your shoulders back, and arching your upper back.
  • Complete 5 repetitions, take a break to breathe normally for 3-5 breaths, then repeat 2 more times.

Spinal Twist

  • Lie on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your arms spread out on the floor.
  • Keeping your shoulders flat on the floor, let your knees, hips, and lower back rotate down to one side.
  • Take a deep breath in and out, then pull your knees up and rotate them the opposite direction.
  • Alternately, you can start by lying on one side and, keeping your knees on the floor, lift the top arm and rotate your shoulders across to try and get them flat on the mat and then repeat on the opposite side.
  • Repeat 5-10 times.

Neck Range of Motion

  • Tip your ear to your shoulder, roll your head down to the middle, then the opposite ear to your shoulder, and back up to the middle.
  • Breathe slowly and evenly throughout.
  • Pay attention to where you feel muscle pull. Don’t force the stretch in these areas but pause in the circle to take a full breath in and out in these areas.
  • Repeat 5-10 times, alternating direction.

Chin Tuck and Neck Extension

  • Without looking down or bending your neck forward, tilt your head to tuck your chin in (like you’re trying to create a double chin).
  • With one or both hands, grasp the back of your head and gently pull up. You should feel a stretch right at the base of your skull.
  • You can also add a bit of sideways pull.
  • Hold the stretch for 5-10 seconds. Repeat 3-5 times.

Spine mobilization

Targets the thoracic (mid) spine and posterior ribs to decrease stiffness and stretch the ligaments.

For the following exercises:

  • You will need a foam roller
  • You will be lying on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your feet on the floor with the foam roller horizontal under your spine.
  • Only put pressure on the spine where the ribs connect to the spine, not down on the lower back or up on the neck.

Spine Rolling

  • Lift your hips of the mat so the only place of contact is your feet and the roll.
  • With your hands behind your head or crossed over your chest, gently roll up and down the roll by walking your feet along the floor while breathing deeply.
  • Spend more time in areas that feel stiff or sore.
  • Repeat 10-15 times.

Foam Roller Extension

  • Place the roll just above your bottom ribs.
  • Take a deep breath in, then slowly arch back over the roll as you breathe out. Only go as far as you are comfortable.
  • In the arched position, take a full deep breath in and arch a bit more when you breathe out.
  • Return to the start position and move the roll slightly higher on your spine. Repeat.
  • It should take 4-6 repetitions in different spots to cover your spine up to the shoulder blades.
  • Repeat the whole spine 3-5 times.

Shoulder mobility and mechanics

Shoulder and Arm Circles

  • Roll your shoulders forward, up, back, and down. Repeat 10 times.
  • Picture a clock face on your shoulder where 12 is up, 3 is forward, 9 is back, and 6 is down. Pull your shoulders into the 10:30 position. Hold them there while you raise your arms up to the sides.
  • With your shoulders stable and your thumbs pointing up, move your arms in circles from big to small and back to big. Change direction and go big to small to big again. Repeat 3-5 times.

Protraction and Retraction

  • Give yourself a hug, grasping your shoulders and pulling them forward to stretch your back. Take a deep breath in and out.
  • Pull your arms back and squeeze your shoulder blades together, stretching your chest. Take a deep breath in and out.
  • Repeat 5-10 times.

Overhead Reach with Scapular Rotation

  • Raise one arm out to the side and overhead.
  • Focus on rotating your shoulder blade so the point of your shoulder moves towards your ear.
  • Place your other hand just below your armpit. You should feel the edge of your shoulder blade push into your hand.
  • Repeat 5-10 times each side.

Don’t feel like you have to do all of these every day. Pick a few and do what is manageable. Focus on the ones that treat the area that is causing the most pain for you. The more you do them, the better.

If you have any questions, please leave me a comment and I will clarify or provide modifications. If you have any other exercises that you have found helpful, please also share those in the comments!

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