Expression – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)

INTERESTS AND CAREERS ARE FOR EVERYONE

I think you’re getting the picture by now. This categorization of clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, and just about every consumer item also gets applied to activities and careers. Many cis people fight against this with varying levels of difficulty. But many people are unaware that they have been guided towards some interests and away from others.

Many trans people transition while in the work force and either start out as the odd one out or become the odd one out in their field. Only after transitioning do they realize how hard it was to swim against the current or how much harder it is now that they have to.

The extra effort it takes to do something we love, either for fun or for work, when it is not something that our gender category should be good at or interested in is unnecessary but very real. Sometimes it is subtle – confused or disparaging looks from friends and family when you talk about it or messaging that is always aimed at the other binary gender category. Sometimes it is overt – harassment, withdrawal of family support, lack of promotion, less pay, difficulty getting hired. These pressures are like the banks of a river, trying to keep us in line. But sometimes rivers chart a new course or spill over the bank.

Don’t let societal pressure stop you from doing something you love. Find the support of people who believe in you and other people in the same situation as you. Form your own group and keep going. (Caveat: if fighting this type of fight against the current is taking too much of a toll on you, don’t be afraid to step back. Find a different way to do what you love, even if it wasn’t plan A. Your mental health matters more than changing the system from the inside.)

MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY ARE FOR EVERYONE

What is masculinity? Write a list of what masculinity means to you. Now, beside each trait, write the name of a person who identifies as a woman who exemplifies that trait.

What is femininity? Write a list of what femininity means to you. Now, beside each trait, write the name of a person who identifies as a man who exemplifies that trait.

Masculinity and femininity do not equal male and female or man and woman. Anyone can embody traits that are deemed by society to be masculine or feminine and often we all do. If we question society’s categorization of these traits, we start to realize that the terms ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ lose their meaning. That is because they are arbitrary. Everyone’s definition of these terms is going to be different depending on their experiences.

Some traits that are deemed masculine are referred to with words that have a positive connotation when referring to a man with that trait and a negative connotation when referring to a woman with that trait. Managerial vs bossy for example. The same goes for feminine traits. A sensitive woman vs an emotional man. Be aware of how people are described and see if you notice this use of connotation to indicate a positive or negative value of their level of masculinity or femininity. Try describing the person using a word with a positive connotation and see how people respond.

List your own traits – personality, presentation, interests, etc. How many of them can you easily label as masculine and feminine? Did you write any using negative words? What category do those fall under? Can you find a word that means the same thing but with a positive connotation? (Think of applying that word to friend – how would you flip it?)

Masculinity and femininity are not specific to sex, gender, name, pronoun, race, social standing, or any other category. They are for everyone.

YOUR PRESENTATION IS YOURS TO PLAY WITH

If clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, interests, careers, and any other masculine or feminine (or androgynous) trait is available to everyone, that means you get to decide what you include in your presentation, regardless of consumer category. You can pick and choose whatever parts feel best for you on a given day.

Presenting in ways that defy consumer categories will attract more attention, often negative attention. Trans people are painfully aware of this. Before transitioning, they sometimes hide who they are and work hard to fit in with a presentation that is expected of them. Then, during their transition, they fight to present how they are most comfortable despite all the negative attention. After socially transitioning, they sometimes present in a way that matches a binary consumer category in order to avoid that same negative attention. It takes a lot of support, self-confidence, courage, and often privilege to be able to consistently defy consumer categories and present how you prefer.

If your preferred presentation matches pretty closely to one of the two consumer categories, you are lucky. But don’t let that stop you from finding the subtle ways that you butt up against the edge of your typical category or even cross the boundary into the other one. These are the aspects of yourself that tell you that you are being authentic, an individual, not a slave to binary gendered consumerism.

Go and be free! Consumer categories are irrelevant! Be who you are, present how you want to, defy expectations!

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)

CLOTHING IS FOR EVERYONE

Have you ever been shopping for clothes in the part of the store that is labeled with your gender and felt like nothing fits you or feels like the right style? Have you ever shopped for yourself in the other section of the store?

Because our society sees masculinity as the standard and femininity as a deviation that is only acceptable for specific people, I would guess that people who identify as or are assumed to be women are more likely to shop across consumer boundaries. It is less likely, and potentially dangerous, for people who are assumed to be men to shop in the section labeled ‘women’.

Trans people have to find ways around this in order to find clothes that feel good. They find a friend who is assumed to be the gender of the category they want to shop in who is the same size as they are and go shopping together. They pretend to be shopping for a partner or friend ‘who is the same size’. Or they go in a group so they are less likely to be harassed or have support from each other if they are harassed.

Clothes from different sections are shaped differently. Sometimes our bodies don’t match the shape that the consumer category says we should have. Sometimes our bodies are closer to the shape of the opposite consumer category. Or we prefer the style of the clothes from the other category but they don’t match the shape of our bodies. Many trans people learn how to alter their own clothes or find a friend from the community who will do it for them. Or pay to have alterations done.

Nonbinary people especially have free reign. There is no ‘nonbinary’ section of clothing stores. What would even go in that section? A little bit of everything? Next time you go clothes shopping, pretend you’re nonbinary if that helps you ignore the gendered categories on the signs.

You don’t have to compromise on clothes that are the right style just because the manufacturer decided that they were for a different body type than yours or a different gender. Find the clothes that feel good for you, alter them if you have to, and ignore the label above that section of the store.

ACCESSORIES AND MAKEUP ARE FOR EVERYONE

As with clothing, play around with accessories and makeup if you have never done it before. ‘Dainty’ jewelry isn’t only for ‘women’ and heavy, thick jewelry isn’t only for ‘men’. I have had to alter every watch band I’ve gotten in the last few years because the watch face I want only comes on a band that is too big for my wrist. As if no man could possibly have such a narrow wrist. Or no one with such a narrow wrist would choose to wear a large faced watch that doesn’t have sparkles on it.

If you like bright colours, try wearing nail polish if you never have before. Start with a clear coat that is nearly invisible to see how you feel about it. If the idea of makeup interests you, ignore what the consumer categories say about who it’s for and try a bit of eye shadow or lipstick. If you have a child who was assigned male at birth and you are raising as a boy, let him play with makeup and jewelry without shaming him.

Again, this sort of exploration is going to be more difficult for anyone assumed to be male or assigned male at birth who wants to explore things that are labeled ‘feminine’. They especially need lots of support, protection, and community. But that doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Just that society tries to convince us it’s wrong. Trans people know better.

TOYS ARE FOR EVERYONE

A lot of trans people remember wanting to play with specific toys as kids and being told no or even punished for it. The stupid thing is that toys are inert. They don’t have preferences. So why can’t any child play with any toy?

If you go into a toy store or the toy sections of a superstore you will see a pink aisle with dolls and ponies and unicorns and maybe some pink blocks and you will see another aisle with bold colours like blue, red, and black filled with all kinds of vehicles, tools, blocks, building sets, and first responders. This is completely unnecessary and is designed to get parents to buy more toys by making them feel like the toys for one child are not transferrable to a child of a different gender.

As adults, you see the same thing. Bikes are built differently with the assumption that women will be wearing skirts or dresses and will need to cross their leg over the bar instead of behind the seat. Anything that is labeled ‘masculine’ will only appeal to women if it is pastel coloured or sparkly. Anything labeled ‘feminine’ has to be rebranded entirely and labeled ‘masculine’ before it will appeal to men. No, the gendering of inanimate objects doesn’t end with kid’s toys.

Next time you go shopping for something fun for yourself, your partner, a friend, or your kids, ignore the categories. What is their favourite colour? What would they enjoy having? Think of them as an individual rather than a member of a gender category. If they are a man that has dry hands and enjoys gardening, get them a cream that has a scent that reminds you of their garden.

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Trans Wisdom: You Define Your Identity

YOUR IDENTITY IS YOUR OWN

In the first post in the Trans Wisdom series, I talked about how the bodies of trans people don’t determine their gender identities (or any other aspects of their identity) which means that is true for everyone. It is your choice to allow your body to inform your identity in whatever way makes sense to you. You have control over your own identity.

This is not only true for your relationship to your body. This is also true with respect to the roles you identify with in your life, your career and interests, your family history, your culture and race, your sexuality and sexual orientation, and your personal experiences. No matter how other people use this information to label you, interact with you, or connect with you, YOU are the only one who gets to decide how these inform who you are.

You also get to decide the balance of the different aspects of your identity. Is your role in your family the most important part of your identity, followed by your career, and then your culture and race? Or is how your career impacts who you are most important, followed by your personal experiences, and then your gender? Identity is like a 3D pie chart with blurry, overlapping lines between the sections and some sections that influence the whole thing but are only forefront a small part of the time.

Or maybe it’s more like a cloud, more ephemeral, and shifting over time.

IDENTITY CHANGES OVER TIME

Trans people go through a huge identity shift when they discover that their discomfort in their life has been related to gender. This can happen at any age but the longer they have lived as their gender they were assigned at birth, the larger the shift. Regardless, looking back over their life, they can say that their identity clearly has changed over time. In fact, this is true for most queer people.

Funnily enough, this is actually true for everyone. Anyone who has become a parent has experienced this shift in identity. Anyone who has changed careers, entered a committed relationship, experienced a health crisis, or lived through a global pandemic has experienced a shift in identity. Even something as simple as turning 18, learning how to drive, entering high school, or moving away from home cause a shift in our identity. We may not be aware of it at the time or feel like we have control over it but our identities shift as we adapt to new life circumstances.

You may not being able control the circumstances that influence these changes in your identity but you do have control over HOW your identity changes. How quickly do you adapt to the new circumstance? Is it a positive change or a negative one? Does it eclipse all other aspects of your identity, even for a short time, or simply become another component of who you are? Is this an aspect of yourself you will keep hidden or share openly with others?

If our identities change over time, why are sexual orientation and gender seen as constants? They are simply components of our identities and therefore are influenced by our experiences and circumstances just like anything else. I think everyone should feel free to explore their sexuality and gender at any point in their life and as often as they choose. Even if you conclude that nothing has changed, you may decide you feel like expressing some aspect of yourself differently or that it influences other aspects of your identity in a new way.

IDENTITIES ARE COMPLEX AND INTERSECTIONAL

As you can see from what I’ve said so far, and probably know from personal experience, no one is made up of only one component of their identity. And no aspect of our identities are the same for any two people because they are all influenced by every other part of who we are.

When someone is coming out as trans, they get the same reactions and get asked the same questions over and over. Because, historically, trans people have had to hide their identities and mainstream society is only just now becoming aware of this identity and experience, the story that gets told about trans people is a monolith. Anyone who doesn’t fit that story is either not recognized as being trans or labeled as an exception.

If every aspect of identity is variable between individuals, why do we assume that someone’s experience is the same as our own or the same as that one other person we know with that identity when they identify in a similar way? If our identities are complex and intersectional, so are everyone else’s. It takes time, patience, and open communication to learn where our experiences overlap and where they differ. Being open to this type of communication allows for authentic bonding over the similarities and learning and growing from the differences.

IDENTITIES ARE NOT CATEGORIES

In some settings (such as medical and legal forms) we have to check off boxes that relate to our identities. These boxes are for the sake of information gathering, not to be used as a guideline of how to interact with someone.

As a medical professional who has to read patients’ charts and then interact with those individuals, the image you get of a person from their chart is never accurate. It tells you nothing about their personality, attitudes, or cultural experiences. And a medical chart holds a ton of information. So why do we feel like we can judge someone based on their appearance? Or the awareness that they identify as trans? Or their identity as a man or woman?

No identity is a monolith. No identity should be treated as a category or a box. Masculinity, femininity, and androgyny belong to everyone. No two people’s experiences of parenthood are the same (though some will have more in common than others).

Which aspects of your identity do you feel confined by? Do you experience that aspect of your identity a certain way because that is the narrative you have always been told about how you should feel, act, or look? Can you find examples of people that share that same identity but embody or express it in a different way?

Your identity is your own. You get to determine what parts of your life inform your identity. You get to determine the balance of the different aspects of your identity. Your identity shifts over time. You can let those shifts happen based on outside influences, experiences, and circumstances, or be take an active role in deciding how those outside influences with impact your identity. Every aspect of your identity is influenced by all the others creating a complex, intersectional, and unique individual. If this is true for you, it is true for everyone else. No aspect of identity should be considered a monolith, a category, or independent of any other aspect.

Just for fun, try writing a list of the different components of your identity. Now re-order the list from most important to least important (or strongest influence on how you view yourself to least influence on how you view yourself). Are there other components that you remember used to be part of your identity but no longer are? Are there components that you anticipate will be part of your identity in the near future? Try this activity again in a couple weeks, or a month. Has the list or the order changed?

Leave a comment with the results of this activity! I’d love to hear what you learned.

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Baby Haircuts and Gender

My baby was born with lots of hair. That was always the first thing people commented on. It was dark and long and made them look a bit like a hobbit. At first I loved it. It was cute and made them look like a mini toddler. But when they started squirming and rolling, the hair at the back became matted on a daily basis. Combing it either took over an hour or led to a lot of screaming. So we decided it was time for our baby’s first haircut.

As it turned out, the hair underneath was a lot lighter. The before and after pictures look like completely different babies. It took some getting used to. But it wasn’t just that they looked different. My perception of their gender was also different.

They suddenly looked like a boy.

My general feeling on this is ‘Ugh. Why does my brain have to gender my baby based on their hair?’ But of course, just because I’m nonbinary does not mean I’m immune to the gendered programming I am surrounded by and grew up with.

For me, haircuts are one of the biggest sources of gender euphoria I can reliably get on a semi-regular basis. This is because having my hair short helps me express my masculinity and helps me see my masculine side when I look in the mirror. But just because short hair feels masculinizing for me does not mean that short hair indicates masculinity or male gender for everyone.

Especially babies! Most babies have no hair or very short hair. It was only because I was used to my baby’s longer hair that my brain registered the short hair as a gender indicator.

Then I began to wonder – does everyone automatically gender babies as male because of the short hair unless there is a female indicator such as pink clothes, frills, or a flower headband? Is this one of the reasons why baby clothes are so overly gendered?

In the two weeks since the haircut, with a steady stream of corrective self-talk, the gendering effect has worn off a bit. But regardless, I figure that if some people put flower headbands on their babies, I can too. Creating a genderful experience for my child means using clothing, accessories, toys, and language from all parts of the gender spectrum. It also means doing things to trick my brain out of gendering them based on their sex assigned at birth or their short hair.

What experiences have affected your perception of your baby’s gender? What things do you do to create a genderful experience for your child? Tell me in the comments below!

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Gender in Isolation

In the time of the COVID 19 pandemic, many of us are living in physical isolation. We have significantly less social interaction, especially with strangers, and the majority of our social time is over the internet using video chat. Depending on your situation, this time of isolation may have been helpful or harmful as it relates to your gender. For me, it has been a bit of both.

My experience of isolation, in general, has been positive. I live with a supportive spouse, I have job and housing security, and I haven’t had any major medical incidents (other than giving birth to our baby). I know this is not the case for everyone, especially queer and trans people. Many are isolated with family members that are not supportive of their identity or even abusive. Many have lost their income. Many have had major mental or physical health crises. If your experience differs from mine, I would love to hear about it. Please share in the comments or send me an email. However, I will stick to my own experiences for the purposes of this post.

HELPFUL ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Separating Physical and Social Dysphoria Triggers

When I am home alone, or with only my spouse, the majority of my dysphoria goes away. This has made it even more obvious to me how much of my dysphoria is triggered by social interactions and how important it is for me to build a life for myself where I am predominantly in supportive environments. The flip side of this is that it also has shown me what aspects of my dysphoria are present regardless of social interaction. These are physical and part of my experience even when I’m by myself.

For example, I always assumed my dysphoria related to my chest was triggered by having other people see me as female as a result of the shape of my chest. Turns out I have almost the same amount of dysphoria even when I’m by myself, it’s just easier to ignore because it’s not compounded by all the other socially triggered parts of dysphoria.

Decreased Social Dysphoria

About 75% of my dysphoria is triggered by social situations. This includes being misgendered, hearing female language used to refer to me, and being expected to look and act a certain way. Since being in isolation, I have had so much less exposure to these triggers that I have way more energy and emotional bandwidth to spend on other things, like taking care of my four month old!

Seeing how much of a difference this has made has given me incentive to try to be open about my gender when interacting with new people and even work on coming out to other people in my life. Hopefully over time this will shape my social environment into a more supportive one that has fewer triggers for dysphoria.

Space to Experiment in Safety

Though I haven’t felt the need to experiment in the last few months as I have done a fair amount of this already, I have found isolation necessary to experiment in the past. Trying something in private has always been the first step in seeing how I feel about it gender-wise. If it feels good, I’ll try it in a queer inclusive space next. If it doesn’t, I’m always glad I tried it on my own first.

The isolation isn’t just good for the experimentation but also for the process of building up courage and taking care of myself afterwards. Sometimes this means laying out what I want to try and just holding it up to myself or feeling it before trying it on. Sometimes it means having time to take pictures or look in the mirror. Sometimes it means changing into comfy clothes and working out or cleaning afterwards to get rid of excess energy and re-ground myself in my body. Almost always, it means having time to journal about the experience either immediately after or a day or two later. Having to interact with others while feeling vulnerable and confused about the experience is extremely taxing. So doing the experiments is always easier during a period of isolation.

DIFFICULT ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Testing Public Reactions

Often when I make a change to my appearance or behaviour I am doing it in an attempt to influence how other people see me and interact with me. Seeing how the change influences others can’t be done without social interaction. This means that while I may find ways of being that I am very comfortable with for myself, it may not have the effect I’m hoping for when I’m out in public or at work. This stage of experimentation will have to wait for when the social isolation has ended.

Coming Out and Reinforcing the Change

Being in isolation may have given me the bandwidth to build up courage to come out to more people and shown me how necessary it is but it doesn’t allow me to reinforce the changes that others have to make as a result. Coming out as trans or nonbinary requires a bunch of work from the other party. For me, this usually includes changing the pronouns and language they use to refer to me. Most people can’t do this without significant practice. And most people need to be corrected when they get it wrong before they start to correct themselves or get it right on the first try.

Without the regular social interaction following coming out, I can’t do this repeated correcting and reinforcing. Sometimes this means the change in how they refer to me happens slower, and sometimes it stalls and doesn’t happen at all and I have to repeat the coming out process at a later date.

Separation from Queer and Trans Support

While the global pandemic has led to many support groups moving online and therefore becoming accessible to me even though I don’t live in the area, it has also led to not having access to my in person, local group of queer and trans friends. There’s something different about meeting in person that I don’t get from an online group. I miss it and I’m looking forward to the days when I can get it back.

How has isolation influenced your relationship with your gender, either recently or in the past? Leave me a comment or send me an email with your thoughts and experiences!

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking

The majority of the world’s cultures are structured around the gender binary – male and female. Everyone who grows up in these cultures is automatically trained to see everything around them through the lens of the gender binary. We are trained to associate almost everything around us with gender. Similar to prescribing human traits to animals, a lot of these associations are fake.

Even when we ascribe gender to a person, it is often based on many aspects that, while related to gender, are not synonymous with gender. As a nonbinary person, this leaves little space for me to exist unless I constantly fight for it. So I’d like to share some strategies you can use to reprogram yourself away from seeing the world through the lens of the gender binary and build yourself a new, clearer lens that is at least gender neutral, if not gender expansive.

GENDER ISN’T BINARY, AND NEITHER IS SEX

The first step is to recognize that gender isn’t binary. Often people assume it is because we base gender on sex when a baby is born and we see sex as binary. But, as it turns out, sex isn’t binary either. Sex is made up of many factors including chromosomes, hormones, hormone receptors, gene expression, internal and external genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics.

Some of these can be tested for, some of these are known from birth, but some of these fluctuate throughout life, especially during puberty. Often, if someone has external genitalia that we have ascribed to a binary sex, that is the category they are assigned to. If they have other aspects that don’t match that category, they may not find out until puberty, or through fertility testing, or even later.

So no, gender isn’t binary, and neither is sex.

DICONNECT BODIES FROM GENDER

If gender and sex are separate traits, then our gender is not based on our body. Our gender is in our heart and our mind. So no matter what body I have, for me it is a nonbinary body. All parts of this body are nonbinary. Even parts that are typically used to determine a person’s sex. Because I am nonbinary, those parts of my body are also nonbinary. So why assign a gender to any part of anyone’s body that isn’t their own gender?

This takes a little more work, but try to disconnect bodies from gender. Especially genitalia and secondary sex characteristics. Anyone of any gender can inhabit those bodies and anyone of any gender can have any physical characteristics.

DICONNECT GENDER FROM CLOTHING AND OTHER PRODUCTS

The commercial industry would have us believe that certain clothes are for certain genders. Almost every product aisle has separate products for men and women. This, too, is fake. Buy whatever clothes suit you, feel good, and look the way you want to look. Wear whatever colours you want to wear. Use whatever shampoo and razor you want to use. Read whatever books you want to read.

Better yet, when you see someone else wearing certain clothes, colours, or jewelry, don’t assume their gender as a result. Don’t give into the training of the commercial industry!

DICONNECT GENDER FROM PERSONALITY TRAITS AND INTERESTS

The differences between boys and girls has been widely studied. It can be speculated how much of this is nature vs nurture but it is impossible to disconnect a child from the environment they are raised in. If society teaches us that boys are energetic and rough and girls are quieter and more social, then we will subconsciously train children to act that way. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyone can have any personality traits and interests. There are no traits that are strictly male or female traits (again, what about nonbinary people?). So next time someone has a particular interest or acts in a way you’re not expecting, check your expectation. Was it based on their gender? Would you have had the same surprised reaction if they acted in a way that you felt ‘conformed with their gender’? Try to train yourself away from assigning gender to personality traits or associating certain interests and traits with certain genders.

GENDERING STRANGERS

So if you’re not supposed to assume someone’s gender based on their physical traits, their clothing and presentation, or their behaviour and interests, how are you supposed to address them?

As it turns out, you don’t need to know someone’s gender to interact with them. You can refer to anyone using they/them pronouns until their gender is specified to you. This isn’t to say you are assuming everyone is nonbinary. You are using the neutral pronoun of they/them as a place holder. And if it turns out they use they/them pronouns, you’ll have been gendering them correctly the whole time.

This takes practice and requires the use of other neutral language such as person, customer, participants, attendees, friends, folks, or y’all. If you want to point out someone specific who’s gender you don’t know yet, use a physical description such as ‘that person in the yellow skirt’ or ‘the person in the Blue Jays cap’. Try to avoid ‘that woman in the yellow skirt’ or ‘that boy in the Blue Jays cap’. Unless you know this person and their gender, those are the gendered assumptions you have been trained to make that are unnecessary.

RECOGNIZE WHEN NONBINARY PEOPLE ARE EXCLUDED

Often, when referring to a group of people, the genders within the group are specified as men and women – ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads. Nonbinary people are often left out due to lack of reference and lack of awareness. Again, this means we are forced to make space for ourselves in a way that binary-gendered people are not.

Try to recognize these times when gendered language is being used and is nonbinary people. It is easier to recognize when others do it but eventually the goal is to recognize when you do it yourself and correct your use of language to be more inclusive and less binary.

Some of the ways this happens are more insidious. Research is often conducted on ‘men and women’ or sometimes, just men. It is assumed that everyone is cisgendered and binary gendered. Very little research includes a broad enough definition of gender to include nonbinary people. So when you hear a fact that is based on research, assume that it was conducted based on the gender binary unless otherwise specified.

Health care systems are based entirely on the gender binary. Legal systems including prisons and, until recently, legal documentation, are also based on the gender binary. The more you recognize this, the easier it will be to maintain your newly found gender neutral or gender expansive lens while engaging with these environments. If you are in a position to help correct this, please please do. Even if it is just at a local level.

Until you are aware of how and when nonbinary people are excluded, you will likely fall in line with the gender binary assumptions in these situations without realizing it, even if you are pretty good at maintaining a neutral and inclusive lens at other times.

IT TAKES PRACTICE!

Don’t be hard on yourself if this is a struggle at the beginning. It takes a while to realize how much of our daily experience we associate with gender when it really has nothing to do with gender. At some point you will be good at recognizing these situations but not yet be good at correcting your own thinking or language and you will feel overwhelmed. That’s ok! You are making progress! Keep practicing!

It helps if others around you are also trying to change their perspective on gender so that you can help correct each other and have someone to discuss specific assumptions with.

Reprogramming your brain takes time, energy, and practice! I am still working on this myself. The more people that do this, the safer and more welcoming the world will become for me and other nonbinary people. So I thank you in advance. Together, we can change the world.

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

When Your Name or Pronouns Fluctuate

Many people that have a fluid gender identity use different names and/or pronouns at different times. Figuring out how to make this work for you can be a challenge, and then following through and making it happen is even harder.

I’m still learning how to do this but I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far.

KNOW YOURSELF

The first step to knowing what pronouns or name you prefer at a given time or in a given context is to figure out how your gender fluctuates. I did this by tracking my gender daily on a scale of 5 female to 0 neutral to 5 male for the span of a month and a half. You can make up whatever scale works for you.

I also made note of my other activities, habits, emotional state, and menstrual cycle. Correlating the shifts in my gender with these other factors gave me a much better sense of what influenced my gender and how the shifts in my gender influenced my mood and behaviour.

Tracking my gender daily forced me to check in with myself. I learned what to pay attention to within myself to indicate where my gender was sitting and what strategies would be useful to minimize dysphoria and maximize euphoria. This is a hugely important skill for anyone who’s gender fluctuates. Even now, a couple years after the gender tracking that I did, I am much more in tune with where my gender is sitting, when dysphoria is affecting me, and what I can do about it.

Once you know how much your gender fluctuates and what influences it, you can have a better idea of when you’d be more comfortable with one name or pronoun over another. This still takes real world testing to be sure. So finding an online community who will refer to you however you wish on a given day (or a platform that allows you to change your username at each log in) or an in person group of at least two friends who will help you trial names and pronouns.

Now you know how your gender fluctuates and what name and pronoun you want people to use with each state of your gender. Next you have to decide how to find a balance between the different states of your gender and how to go about asking other to refer to you.

STRUCTURED APPROACH

My gender doesn’t fluctuate a whole lot and usually sits close to an equal balance between my male and female components. So I’m almost always most comfortable with they/them pronouns. But in my case, I don’t have a single name that is gender neutral, I have one name for my female side and a different name for my male side.

My job is such that it doesn’t feel feasible to have people refer to me by anything other than my female name and she/her pronouns. So in order to find an overall balance, I decided to use my male name and they/them pronouns almost exclusively in queer spaces.

Maybe you have a supportive work environment but you’re not out to your family yet. You may chose to use your ‘trans’ identity at work because you are always referred to by the name and pronouns you were assigned at birth when you’re at home.

Whatever the case, if there is one area of your life where you feel restricted in your ability to come out or advocate for yourself, this approach may be the best option to still allow you a sense of balance and a chance to experience all aspects of your identity.

GO WITH THE FLOW APPROACH

For some people, their gender fluctuates too often or on too wide a spectrum for the structured approach to feel comfortable. So the other option, if your life circumstances allow, is to go with the flow. This means that however you feel at a given moment, you indicate or request to be referred to by the corresponding name and pronouns.

This approach give you a lot more flexibility and perhaps a stronger sense of authenticity but it requires more clear signaling and more frequent self-advocacy.

GLOBAL APPROACH

Another option is to find a middle ground of where the different components of your gender overlap and use that as your default with the option to request a different name or pronoun if needed.

Or perhaps your gender is in one state the majority of the time and only occasionally fluctuates to a different state. You could use the most common state as your default and only specify when it differs.

Or, like me, perhaps you have a way to refer to yourself that encompasses your entire identity. I am 100% of the time comfortable with they/them pronouns and prefer to be referred to by both my names as though they are hyphenated. I can still specify differently if I need to but this gives me a lot of safety and authenticity.

Whichever system works for you, or if you come up with a completely different one, you will need a way to indicate or express to others how you wish to be referred to.

SIGNALING

One way to indicate to others which name and pronoun to use is via non-verbal indicators or signals. This can be anything from clothing to jewelry to behaviours to pins or name tags.

If you feel most comfortable presenting in a distinct way with each different state of your gender, you can use your general presentation to indicate to others how they should refer to you. This will still take a bit of explanation initially and maybe a few reminders but, in general, would be pretty straighforward.

If you present fairly similarly regardless of your gender or your presentation doesn’t relate to your gender in that way at all, you can use other means to signal your gender. I have a necklace that has Meaghan on one side and Ray on the other. Most of the time I wear it inside my shirt but if I’m in an environment where it is safe to do so, I will wear it outside my shirt with the Ray side facing out as a reminder to others of how to refer to me. You can do something similar with a bracelet, name tag, pronoun or name pin, or more subtle means such as a certain piece of jewelry indicating a certain name/pronoun combo.

Keep in mind that the more subtle the signal is, the more explanation and reminders it will take for people around you to pick up on it and get it right. But if you’re in a potentially unsafe environment, subtle might be necessary for safety.

ADVOCATING

No matter what signals (if any) you choose to use, you will always have to have some sort of conversation with those around you to explain that your gender fluctuates and you wish to be referred to by a different name and/or pronoun depending on the situation or the day and how they will know which one to use. This initial coming out conversation is difficult for any trans person but especially for those with a fluid gender that doesn’t fit binary notions of gender. See Related Posts at the bottom of the page for ideas on how to have this conversation.

As with any trans person, you will also have to correct people when they get your name and/or pronouns wrong. When your gender fluctuates and the name/pronoun you use changes, it takes even longer for those around you to get used to it and inevitably causes even more slip-ups. So decide how often you want to correct people and how best to do it. This will likely depend on your relationship with that person and the context you’re in at the time.

One good practice to get into the habit of is introducing yourself using your name and pronouns every time you meet someone. Not just someone new, even people who know you and already understand your gender. Something like ‘Hi [friend], I’m Ray and using they/them pronouns today’ works well.

Also let the friends and family you interact with regularly and who you’re out to that if you forget to inform them of your name and pronoun at the beginning of an interaction, it is helpful for them to ask about it or cue you to indicate if it isn’t clear from your signaling. How they ask is up to you and again, will likely depend on your relationship with them and the context.

Sometimes, all it takes is having one ally in the room who you have informed ahead of time what name and pronoun to use. Their role is to find an opportunity to refer to you using that name and pronoun within the first minute of you arriving and as often as necessary throughout the event.

IMPORTANCE OF GLOBAL IDENTITY

When you have a fluid gender identity with multiple components it can be easy to get caught up in the parts and forget about the whole. For me, it important to take a step back to make sure I am achieving an overall balance that works for me, even if I can’t get people to refer to me the way I’d prefer in every situation.

The goal of all this work and advocacy is to be able to experience and be comfortable with all parts or aspects of your gender. To get to express yourself in the most authentic way no matter what your gender is. So try not to get caught up too much in the details of every interaction and instead aim for an overall more authentic and gender-filled existence.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of how to navigate the world when your gender and therefore name and/or pronouns fluctuate. Comment with your own experiences, send me an email, or reach out on social media. You can find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters.

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Let’s Talk Gender S2E3: Nonbinary Gender Presentation and Expression

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about nonbinary gender presentation and expression and how to figure out what works for you.

EXPLORING MY GENDER PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

I think of presentation as things people would see in a picture – clothes, hair style, makeup, facial hair, accessories. Expression is everything else – behaviours, voice, how you walk, gesture, and move, conversation style, word choice.

As I was raised female and I am generally identified as a woman by strangers, I started by adopting a more masculine clothing style. I did this before I even knew it was a gender thing. This was a fairly low risk change in presentation because it is acceptable for women to dress more masculine in my social culture. However, the same is not true for someone who is typically identified as a man by strangers who wants to dress more femininely. For that person, a change in clothing might come much later in the process of exploring presentation and expression.

Body hair was another aspect of my appearance that I figured out fairly early on. I was never comfortable with shaving my legs and intermittently comfortable with shaving under my arms. So I followed my instincts with those, again, well before knowing it was even a gender thing.

I have never had facial hair and haven’t experimented with it since I never felt like I wanted any though I have been thinking more about it lately and might try some experiments with makeup in the future.

My hairstyle was next. I had always had longer hair but kept it tied back. I cut it shorter for cuts for cancer one year and loved it. I never went back to having full long hair but didn’t have the guts to keep it short either. Then the undercut style came into fashion which was prefect for me – the one time I actually wanted to follow along with a fashion trend! I slowly went from an undercut to a side cut, to just cutting the whole thing short. This was the single most euphoric thing I have done in terms of presentation. Even now, about two years later, every time I get a haircut it feels great.

As someone who has breasts, I also wanted to try a binder. Having experienced my husband using a binder during his transition, I already knew that I would love how this looked and felt. Unfortunately due to a medical condition, I can’t wear it for very long or for more than two days in a row but this usually suits me fine as my gender fluctuates somewhat and usually doesn’t stay in the ‘male’ range for very long. I have since experimented with Trans Tape as well which definitely has a learning curve but on the third try I got a good result that I was comfortable with and will definitely keep it as an option in the future.

I have also experimented with wearing a small packer. This is something that was especially terrifying in public but I have come to realize that it is much more noticeable to me than to anyone else. So I mostly do it for the feel rather than the look. I find it particularly useful when I can’t wear my binder due to pain or length of time before I’ll have a chance to change, but I’m feeling more male and have moderate physical dysphoria.

In terms of expression, I always naturally had a more neutral or masculine interaction style and didn’t have to work particularly hard to get rid of the more feminine mannerisms. However, I have noticed this to be more of a struggle for some nonbinary people, especially those who were socialized male. Often we are unaware of which of our mannerisms are being read as masculine or feminine by those around us until it is pointed out so if changing your expression is important to you, I recommend finding a trusted friend who is typically read by strangers the way you want to be read and have them give you feedback on your behvaiours, mannerisms, and conversation style.

One aspect of expression I did specifically work on (and am still conscious of) is the pitch of my voice. As I’ve mentioned before on this podcast, when my husband’s voice lowered when he started taking testosterone, my voice sounded high in comparison. I worked at lowering the range of my voice and speaking in the lower part of my range until it became natural. Luckily I did have some singing training so I had lots of exercises that I knew how to do to strengthen or change the range of my voice. But if you don’t have this type of training you can definitely look up apps that will take you through these exercises.

I also became more conscious of how much I was apologizing and how often I would move over on a sidewalk or in a hallway, especially if a man was walking towards me and tried to avoid doing these things if they were unnecessary and simply a programmed reaction from being socialized female.

THERE ARE NO RULES

The practical aspects of what you want to change about your gender presentation and expression and how you explore that are going to be different for everyone.

When I was looking for ideas of what to try that might feel good for me, I found Instagram to be very helpful. I followed nonbinary hashtags and found people to follow who had a look that I wanted to emulate.

Remember there are no rules when it comes to nonbinary presentation and identity, despite what the media tells us. Nonbinary does not equal young, thin, white, assigned female at birth. Nonbinary presentation does not have to equal androgyny.

There is no such thing as ‘presenting as nonbinary’. Presentation and identity are two separate things. Do what feels right for you.

HOW TO EXPLORE YOUR PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

But how do you figure out what feels right for you when the options are limitless? I’ll talk you through a step-by-step approach that we used during my husband’s transition and I used to experiment with some aspects for myself.

Start by making a list of everything you can think of that you want to try. The questionnaire from Dara’s book that I talked about in Episode 2 helped me out with this a lot. Try to break it down as much as possible into small pieces. For example, say you want to try wearing nail polish. Clear nail polish is much more subtle than a brightly coloured one and black nail polish generally signals something different again. So if wearing a bright colour seems too scary or obvious, maybe add ‘wear clear nail polish’ to the list and start there.

Next, make a hierarchical list of environments including a variety of places and the people you would be around from most safe to least safe or most scary for you. This can include at home by yourself, at home with your partner or family, at a trusted friend’s house, out in public with a trusted friend or your partner, at work, around extended family, etc.

For each thing on the list, match it up with an environment that you would feel ok trying it in first off. Some of the more covert things might feel fine to do in public right from the start where some of the things on your list you might need to start by trying it in your most secure environment on the list.

As you’ve probably guessed, the next step is to start trying things. Start with something that doesn’t feel too scary to you and slowly work your way through your list.

First, I recommend trying each thing separately and later you can try combining parts of your presentation to see if that changes how you feel about a particular aspect. So for example, if you didn’t like wearing a skirt, that didn’t feel very good to you, later on, try wearing a skirt but with a more masculine top, or after you’ve cut your hair short, or while you have facial hair. Maybe the skirt will feel different in that context.

Once you’ve tried a few things in safe environments and figured out what you like, start trying them in the next environment down the list.

This type of practical experimentation can feel exhilarating. It is scary but also euphoric. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and exhausting. Whichever way each experiment goes, it is definitely emotionally draining. So make sure you have a good self-care strategy in place for before, during, or after if needed. This can be a phone call check in scheduled with a trusted friend, meditation or journaling about the experience, making yourself your favourite meal afterwards, whatever works for you.

As you figure out what you like, what feels authentic, and what is comfortable even if it’s too scary to do in public just yet, keep adjusting and adding to your list. Start looking for interesting combinations to try or something you had rejected a long time ago, before even becoming aware of your gender identity.

For me, this was trying on a dress for the first time since high school prom.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE: WEARING A DRESS

I had this dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked.

I was expecting to feel very uncomfortable and dysphoric when I put it on so I collected a bunch of my more masculine jewelry and a leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I also made sure I was home alone and would have some personal time afterwards if I needed it.

I brought everything to a room of the house that didn’t have any mirrors. And then I tried on the dress. At first it did feel uncomfortable. So I put on my jacket over top. That felt enough better that I wanted to take a picture of myself to see what I looked like. To my surprise and encouragement, I looked like my nonbinary self in a dress. I didn’t look like a woman I didn’t recognize. I had this irrational image in my mind that as soon as I put on the dress I would all of a sudden have long hair again, I would maybe have makeup on… Obviously, none of that happened. I still had short hair. I still looked like myself.

So I stepped out into the hall to see myself in a mirror. I spun in a circle and played with the skirt of the dress. I took off my jacket and looked at myself again. Yup, still nonbinary.

While this experiment was a success in terms of turning out to be affirming and decreasing my fear of trying something, I still wouldn’t choose to wear a dress in public because of what it would signal to others. While I still saw myself and felt like my typical nonbinary self, it’s unlikely that strangers would when they read me as female when I’m wearing my most masculine clothes.

But maybe, some day, I will feel comfortable going out in public wearing a long flowy skirt and a button up shirt with a binder or tape on and my leather bomber jacket on top.

MANY REASONS FOR CHANGING YOUR PRESENTATION

There are lots of different reasons for presenting in different ways. Making yourself feel as comfortable in your own skin as possible is one of them.

Safety is another one. Maybe it’s not safe for you to outwardly present in the way that would be most comfortable due to the threat of physical violence or the risk of losing your job, housing, or other forms of support and stability. In this case, you may choose to present in a way that blends in and find subtle or covert ways to present differently such as having your legs shaved or unshaved and wearing long pants most of the time, or wearing a more gender affirming style of underwear. Cutting or growing out your hair can also be less of a flag for people as it is much less tied to gender than many other aspects of presentation.

Another reason to alter your presentation may be for social attention or visibility, or so we can be more easily identified as queer to others in the community.

And sometimes we want to influence how people perceive us so they interact with us differently. I’ve noticed that people are less likely to interact with me in a feminine way or expect me to interact in a feminine way if I’m presenting more masculinely. This can help a lot with social dysphoria. I have definitely had days where I didn’t have a lot of physical dysphoria around my chest but I wanted to get people to interact with me as though I was male as much as possible so I wore a binder anyway.

NONBINARY PRESENTATION IS LIMITLESS

Unfortunately, in the binary society we live in, strangers will always try to categorize us as either male or female. For this reason, there really isn’t such a thing as ‘passing’ as nonbinary. The closest thing I have seen would be making people confused or hesitate, or passing as male in one situation and female the next.

Some people may find this inability to be recognized as who they are frustrating. Sometimes I do too. But I also find it liberating. If the goal isn’t to ‘pass’ as either male or female, you can do what you want. There are so many varieties of nonbinary presentations that I have seen.

There’s something like me which is kind of androgynous, kind of masculine some days. I like wearing more fitted tank tops with more baggy bottoms, that type of thing.

There’s having a flat chest (either due to not having grown breasts, having had top surgery, or wearing a binder or tape) and wearing more feminine clothes and makeup.

There’s having a full beard (either due to having a body that naturally produces testosterone, taking testosterone as HRT, or wearing a fake beard or makeup) and then also wearing a dress at the same time.

You can present differently day to day or find something that is fairly consistent.

You can take hormones to alter your presentation and expression in certain ways and then counteract some of the effects if they’re not for you such as wearing a binder or getting top surgery after taking estrogen or getting electrolysis to remove facial hair after taking testosterone.

If you’re afraid of what a more permanent change might mean, look at both types of typical binary transition as well as nonbinary presentations. Maybe following a more typical binary transition will actually work for you. That doesn’t mean you are any less nonbinary (unless you decide for yourself that that label no longer fits).

There are no rules. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. If you’re feeling lost, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I will try to help you connect with others that share your experiences or just be a sounding board if you need someone to listen. You are not alone.

That’s it for Episode 3 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender. Among the resources for this episode are two blog posts I did on wearing a binder – the first one on physiological effects and the second on recommendations and exercises you can do to minimize these effects so check those out if you or someone you know wears a binder.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 4 I will be talking about how to navigate names, pronouns, and other language as a nonbinary person. As other nonbinary people will attest, there is way more gendered language out there than you realize! Talk to you soon.

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Let’s Talk Gender Season 2 Coming Soon!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Hey everyone,

I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person, and the host of Let’s Talk Gender.

Coming up in September 2020 is season 2!

This season will be another eight episodes, this time around the topic of nonbinary identities and experiences. If you listened to Season 1 you got to hear from my husband about his experiences with transitioning. This season will be more of a radio host monologue style with just me as the host.

Here’s a brief look at what this season will include:

Episode 1: Nonbinary identities and labels
Episode 2: Exploring your gender as a nonbinary person
Episode 3: Nonbinary gender presentation and expression
Episode 4: Navigating names, pronouns, and other language
Episode 5: Coming out as nonbinary
Episode 6: Complexities of nonbinary identities such as how they interact with sexual orientation and a deeper look at gender fluid identities
Episode 7: Living in the world as nonbinary including using bathrooms, going to the gym, and what passing means as a nonbinary person
Episode 8: Pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person

You can find the podcast on any itunes populated platform or stream it from this website. You will also find the show notes for each episode on this website and if you subscribe, new episodes and blog posts will be sent to your inbox so you don’t have to remember to keep checking back!

You can always get in touch with me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment on this website. I’d love to hear your thoughts, topic requests, or be a sounding board if I can.

I’m really looking forward to this season. I hope you are too.

Talk to you soon!

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Contextual Voice Dysphoria

Note: I refer to gender based vocal pitch ranges throughout this post. All ranges are based on cis averages used in vocal pitch analyzer apps and choral voice ranges. This is not my preferred way to talk about it and I wish I had better language to use that was not cis-normative but for ease of communication I have stuck with this phrasing.

Most of the time, I like my voice. It generally sits in a mid to low female range but I can easily push it to an androgynous range on days that I feel more male. The natural speaking range of my voice has lowered since my husband transitioned. As his voice dropped from Testosterone, mine sounded higher in comparison and I had more and more days where I consciously lowered the range I was using. Now it’s fairly natural in that range and doesn’t bother me very often.

However, there are certain situations where I raise the pitch of my voice intentionally or unintentionally. Some of these situations that I’ve noticed are:

To be heard in a loud, echoing environment
To be heard through a quiet microphone or speaker like at a drive through or over zoom
When speaking fast and trying to articulate clearly at the same time
To sound as non-threatening as possible
When talking to pets, babies, or kids

The recent context of my job has involved many of these situations and I have noticed an increase in dysphoria and voice awareness as a result. I also had a sick pet recently and noticed that my voice was higher when I was talking to him in a calming sympathetic way and it really started to irritate me.

So I’ve been wondering: Why do we do this? Do we have to or is it just a habit? Do higher voices actually put people, pets, and kids more at ease? Or is it just playing into stereotypes associated with femininity and masculinity via female vs male vocal range (which is a cis-based average to begin with)? Can’t I come across as calming and sympathetic while speaking in a lower range?

Regardless of why or whether I have to or not, I’m trying to listen to my dysphoria and train myself out of the automatic increased-pitch reaction to certain situations. I’m worried that once I have a baby (only six weeks to go now!), if I’m constantly talking to them with a higher voice and triggering my dysphoria, I will begin to associate the dysphoria with those interactions and it will negatively affect my relationship with my kid and my overall mental health. Hopefully it will just take practice to train myself that it’s fine to talk to the baby in my lower vocal range and be just as soothing.

Have you had this experience? Do you raise or lower the pitch of your voice based on context? Does it trigger any internal discomfort (dysphoria or otherwise) for you? Are you trying to train yourself out of this habit or does the versatility work for you?

Leave me a comment below and let me know your thoughts and experiences!

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.