Society

My experiences and observations about gendered aspects of society

  • 3 Types of Trans Healthcare That Everybody Should Know About
    by Meaghan Ray
    When we hear about trans people and healthcare, we mostly hear about hormones and surgery. But trans people are way more than just hormones and surgery. As part of my current research, I am learning about the different types of barriers that trans people experience when accessing healthcare. To my surprise, the majority of the barriers discussed were in relation to accessing transition related care – ie hormones and surgery (among other things). I had … Continue reading 3 Types of Trans Healthcare That Everybody Should Know About
  • Gender Inclusivity in the Workplace: What it is and How it Feels
    by Meaghan Ray
    For the last five years I have worked in the same environment. During this time, my husband came out as trans and I discovered my identity as a nonbinary person. I recently cut back on my hours at this job and started a different job. These two jobs are wildly different environments, types of work, levels of inclusion, and effects on me as a nonbinary person. For the last few years, I assumed that any … Continue reading Gender Inclusivity in the Workplace: What it is and How it Feels
  • When You Get It Wrong: How to Correct Yourself and Others When it Comes to Trans Identities
    by Meaghan Ray
    WHEN YOU MISGENDER SOMEONE Even I, a nonbinary person with a trans husband, sometimes get people’s pronouns or preferred language wrong. Our brains are used to holding onto stereotypes and first impressions as shortcuts. It takes conscious effort to change how we perceive people and the language we are using for them. So, when someone you know comes out as trans or nonbinary, or simply asks you not to use certain language when referring to … Continue reading When You Get It Wrong: How to Correct Yourself and Others When it Comes to Trans Identities
  • How to be a Trans Inclusive Health Care Professional
    by Meaghan Ray
    THIS IS IMPORTANT AND YOU CAN HELP! Trans people experience a wide range of barriers to health care including overt discrimination, uninformed health care professionals, systemic discrimination, and personal biases. As a result, trans people frequently have negative experiences in health care settings and often avoid accessing health care services even when it is necessary. Ultimately, this leads to significant health disparity. This is compounded by having intersectional identities and experiences that also experience health … Continue reading How to be a Trans Inclusive Health Care Professional
  • Welcome! Who Are You and What Do You Need?
    by Meaghan Ray
    I have now been writing this blog for three years! I recently discovered that with all those posts, my blog was not very searchable (sorry about that!) I have fixed this somewhat but also wanted to provide a snapshot of what you might find here. Depending on your situation, identity, or what brought you here, you will be looking for different things. Scroll through the section titles in this post to find one that seems … Continue reading Welcome! Who Are You and What Do You Need?
  • Baby Clothes and Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    Baby clothes are predominantly marketed as being for girls or boys. Even though the babies that wear them are too young to have any concept of gender. Even though clothing isn’t inherently gendered. The only reason for this is so that families that have a second child of a different sex than the first have to buy a whole new set of clothes. Society has bought into this idea so strongly that a baby’s clothing … Continue reading Baby Clothes and Gender
  • Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 2)
    by Meaghan Ray
    This is a continuation of Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1) INTERESTS AND CAREERS ARE FOR EVERYONE I think you’re getting the picture by now. This categorization of clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, and just about every consumer item also gets applied to activities and careers. Many cis people fight against this with varying levels of difficulty. But many people are unaware that they have been guided towards some interests and away from others. … Continue reading Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 2)
  • Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)
    by Meaghan Ray
    CLOTHING IS FOR EVERYONE Have you ever been shopping for clothes in the part of the store that is labeled with your gender and felt like nothing fits you or feels like the right style? Have you ever shopped for yourself in the other section of the store? Because our society sees masculinity as the standard and femininity as a deviation that is only acceptable for specific people, I would guess that people who identify … Continue reading Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)
  • Trans Wisdom: Language Is Important
    by Meaghan Ray
    PRONOUNS ARE FOR EVERYONE Since trans people have become more visible, pronouns have been discussed a lot more openly. The funny thing is, we were all using pronouns the whole time. We were simply assuming the gender of the people around us based on their presentation and then assigning the pronoun that related to that gender. What trans people are trying to show the general public is that not only can you not assume someone’s … Continue reading Trans Wisdom: Language Is Important
  • Trans Wisdom: The Power of Community
    by Meaghan Ray
    COMMUNITY HAS EXPERIENCIAL KNOWLEDGE Many things in life, including transitioning, are difficult, complex, and not well understood by the general public. Navigating these experiences is difficult in part because there is so little information available about what to expect, what to avoid, and what resources are available and helpful. Communities are full of people who have gone there before you. They have way more knowledge and information that is tried, tested, and true than any … Continue reading Trans Wisdom: The Power of Community
  • Trans Wisdom: You Define Your Identity
    by Meaghan Ray
    YOUR IDENTITY IS YOUR OWN In the first post in the Trans Wisdom series, I talked about how the bodies of trans people don’t determine their gender identities (or any other aspects of their identity) which means that is true for everyone. It is your choice to allow your body to inform your identity in whatever way makes sense to you. You have control over your own identity. This is not only true for your … Continue reading Trans Wisdom: You Define Your Identity
  • Trans Wisdom: Our Bodies Don’t Define Us
    by Meaghan Ray
    YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR GENDER. YOU DO. Trans people learn very quickly that their body and all the assumptions that go along with it don’t define their gender. Whether the body they were born into feels wrong or not, their identity is separate. If this is true for trans people, it is also true for cis people. Maybe you feel at home in your body and the gender you were assigned at birth. But … Continue reading Trans Wisdom: Our Bodies Don’t Define Us
  • How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking
    by Meaghan Ray
    The majority of the world’s cultures are structured around the gender binary – male and female. Everyone who grows up in these cultures is automatically trained to see everything around them through the lens of the gender binary. We are trained to associate almost everything around us with gender. Similar to prescribing human traits to animals, a lot of these associations are fake. Even when we ascribe gender to a person, it is often based … Continue reading How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking
  • Gender Roles in the Family
    by Meaghan Ray
    As a queer family, gender roles don’t really exist. Traditionally, the man goes to work, earns the money, drives the car, does house and auto repairs, and plays sports with the kids. Traditionally, the woman stays home, takes care of the kids, keeps the house clean, does the shopping, and cooks meals. This is all based on societal norms that are harmful and unnecessary. When I met my husband, we both identified as women. We … Continue reading Gender Roles in the Family
  • How to Ask About Someone’s Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    We always say that if you don’t know someone’s gender or pronouns, just ask. But how do you do that in a respectful way? As a stranger, we can use they/them pronouns and avoid gendered language for everyone we meet until they specify. But what if this is a new colleague or a friend of a friend? Or what if your partner or child just told you they are questioning their gender? The closer you … Continue reading How to Ask About Someone’s Gender
  • How to be a Trans Ally
    by Meaghan Ray
    ALLYSHIP 101 Being an ally for any minority takes more than being accepting of a friend or acquaintance from that identity. Not being a biggot is not the same thing as being an ally. Being an ally isn’t a perspective, a state of mind, or even a level of understanding. It requires ongoing action that at first can be a challenge but eventually becomes automatic. As someone who is part of a majority group, it … Continue reading How to be a Trans Ally
  • Why Using AMAB and AFAB is Problematic
    by Meaghan Ray
    I have used AMAB (assigned male at birth) and AFAB (assigned female at birth) many times since I started this blog. But I recently heard an argument against using these terms that I think is worth sharing. Though the terminology of ‘assigned at birth’ is better than ‘biological sex’ or simply ‘sex’, it doesn’t change the fact that these are still broad categories based on sex-at-birth characteristics. I often use these terms as a general … Continue reading Why Using AMAB and AFAB is Problematic
  • Passing vs Presenting vs Assumed
    by Meaghan Ray
    PASSING The concept of ‘passing’ is talked about often in the trans community. It refers to the ability to go about your life without being identified as trans. Passing as binary cis. It can come with a lot of judgement when someone ‘isn’t passing well enough’, even from within the community. But more importantly, not being able to ‘pass’ can be a big safety risk in a lot of areas. Because of this, many trans … Continue reading Passing vs Presenting vs Assumed
  • What Makes a Family?
    by Meaghan Ray
    Lots of people talk about having a kid as ‘starting a family’. This rubs me the wrong way. For me, choosing to commit to a long term relationship with my husband was when we started our family. We got married as a symbol of that commitment but our family was started even before marriage. Having a child is an expansion of that family, not the start of it. I think my definition or experience of … Continue reading What Makes a Family?
  • Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology
    by Meaghan Ray
    NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman. I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. … Continue reading Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology
  • The Power of a Non-Binary Perspective
    by Meaghan Ray
    THE WORLD IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE I listen to a lot of podcasts and recently I listened to two different ones that seemed to be in conversation with each other. The first was an episode of Gender Stories by Alex Iantaffi released on April 12, 2020 called A non-binary approach in the COVID-19 pandemic: a conversation with Meg-John Barker. The second was an episode of Thoughts on Thoughts by Kristjana Reid, Jessica Miller, and … Continue reading The Power of a Non-Binary Perspective
  • My Body, My Identity, My Experiences
    by Meaghan Ray
    Lately, I have struggled to feel excited and comfortable with the idea and experience of being pregnant. I have felt like the more visibly pregnant I get, the more invisible my nonbinary identity becomes, both to myself and others. Recently, someone in one of the online groups I am a part of stated something similar to what I have written below and it resonated a lot with me. I wanted to put these thoughts into … Continue reading My Body, My Identity, My Experiences
  • Gay vs Trans
    by Meaghan Ray
    There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay. Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay … Continue reading Gay vs Trans
  • It’s All About Bathrooms
    by Meaghan Ray
    BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with? I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With … Continue reading It’s All About Bathrooms
  • November 20: Trans Day of Remembrance
    by Meaghan Ray
    Trans Day of Remembrance is held on November 20th every year. It is a day to remember all the people locally, nationally, and internationally who have been killed by transphobic violence in the past year. The vast majority of people killed are trans women of colour. Memorial services are held where the names are read off and a moment of silence is observed for each. Trans Day of Remembrance is a hard day for me … Continue reading November 20: Trans Day of Remembrance
  • Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People
    by Meaghan Ray
    Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria. Here are some of the phrases I have found that help: Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take … Continue reading Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People
  • Passing as Nonbinary
    by Meaghan Ray
    ‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender.So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender?
  • Gender Presentation and Social Attention
    by Meaghan Ray
    Dressing for Yourself Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to wear and you go ahead and wear it no matter what other people will think because it makes you feel good. Sometimes, you have to try on five different things before you find something that is comfortable. Sometimes, part of that struggle is the voice in your head warning you what other people will think or say or do if you wear what you … Continue reading Gender Presentation and Social Attention
  • Why Labels Matter
    by Meaghan Ray
    I have often heard complaints about why people (usually queer people) feel the need to label themselves, or why there are so many different labels, or how labels are so restrictive, and how its unnecessary to put yourself in a box. Usually, the people making these statements are cisgendered and straight. They have never struggled with having to figure out a part of their identity, find a way to explain it to others, and find … Continue reading Why Labels Matter
  • Queer Wedding Ideas
    by Meaghan Ray
    When Jake and I got married, we both identified as women (this was pre gender exploration for both of us). We made some adjustments to the ceremony so it didn’t feel so heternonormative. Since then, I have participated in, and seen pictures and descriptions of, many different gay, queer, and gender non-conforming (GNC) weddings. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve collected: Switch Sides. If there is a more masculine presenting person and a … Continue reading Queer Wedding Ideas
  • Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums
    by Meaghan Ray
    The first definition of gender that I came across that differed from the binary definition was the idea of gender as a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle. For a long time this made sense to me. As someone who identifies as a mix of male and female, I could conceptualize and communicate my gender to others using this model. However, since hearing more stories from other non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid … Continue reading Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums
  • Pros and Cons of Pronouns on Correspondence
    by Meaghan Ray
    Lots of people have added their pronouns to their email sign-off or even their business cards in an attempt to normalize the practice of indicating your pronouns to others. This is encouraging for me to see but also makes me nervous. Here’s why. Pros It shows an awareness of how challenging it can be to have to derail a conversation, come out to someone about your gender identity, and hope they don’t make a big … Continue reading Pros and Cons of Pronouns on Correspondence
  • AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities
    by Meaghan Ray
    Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input. … Continue reading AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities
  • When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong
    by Meaghan Ray
    ‘True Trans’ Narrative When you think of a generic trans person, what comes to mind? Is it someone who feels like they were born into the wrong body, who knew from a very young age that they were meant to be the other gender, who preferred the ‘wrong’ toys and the ‘wrong’ clothes? This is the stereotypical trans story. Within the trans community, this type of experience is called ‘True Trans’ implying that because their … Continue reading When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong
  • Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries
    by Meaghan Ray
    Sometimes those of us with experience and knowledge of trans related topics want to help educate those around us and sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. You should never feel like you have to compromise your own mental health for the sake of addressing someone else’s ignorance. But how do you politely tell people to bugger off and educate themselves through other means? And when you are comfortable having some of those conversations, how do … Continue reading Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries
  • They/Them Pronouns
    by Meaghan Ray
    Pleural vs Singular, General vs Specific They/them pronouns are typically seen as a plural pronoun because that is how we use it consciously. But unconsciously, we use it all the time when referring to a single person who’s gender is unknown. In this case, it is an umbrella term that is a stand in for the appropriate pronouns instead of saying he/she all the time. However, some people who don’t identify strictly as male or … Continue reading They/Them Pronouns
  • How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person
    by Meaghan Ray
    Most of the people I talk to about my husband’s transition are open-minded and accepting but generally ignorant. They want to treat trans people respectfully but don’t know how. They want to learn more about my husband’s transition and my experience as his partner but don’t know how to ask the questions in a respectful way. So I thought I’d give you some suggestions or guidelines depending on your relationship with the trans person. STRANGERS … Continue reading How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person
  • At the Gym
    by Meaghan Ray
    I have always been an athletic person. I played baseball right from T-ball to high school, soccer in middle school, and was generally an outdoorsy kid climbing trees and exploring the woods around our cottage. I learned to swim, canoe, ski, and skate at our cottage, and learned how to sail, kayak, and ride horses at summer camp. This is where I first discovered archery which became my focus throughout high school and into university. … Continue reading At the Gym
  • Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture
    by Meaghan Ray
    What gap? People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, … Continue reading Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture
  • How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders
    by Meaghan Ray
    I’d like to explain a system for understanding non-binary genders that has really helped me make sense of myself and other gender non-conforming people. This system is only discussing gender which is a separate concept from sex. I treat gender as the internal sense of who someone is in relation to society’s views of the binary genders or the assigned gender based on their sex assigned at birth. I am also not talking about gender … Continue reading How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders
  • Intersections of Gender and Sexual Orientation
    by Meaghan Ray
    When my husband transitioned I was asked a few times if that meant I was straight. I knew this would be a question people would have but it took me a while to understand why that question was coming up and why I felt so annoyed by it. I tried to explain to a few people why I still identified as gay with varying success. I realized that the underlying issue is that although sexual … Continue reading Intersections of Gender and Sexual Orientation
  • Differences in AFAB and AMAB Cross-Gender Exploration and Transition
    by Meaghan Ray
    Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input. … Continue reading Differences in AFAB and AMAB Cross-Gender Exploration and Transition