Year: 2020

Let’s Talk Gender S2E7: Living in the World as a Nonbinary Person

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about living in the world as a nonbinary person including what ‘passing’ means for nonbinary people, navigating public washrooms, going to the gym, and how a nonbinary perspective can influence how you interpret other aspects of society. 

PASSING AS NONBINARY

Passing typically refers to the idea of ‘blending in’ with one of the binary genders, or being consistently recognized as the gender you identify as (assuming it’s one of the binary options). In Western society, we are trained to categorize everyone as male or female as quickly as possible because we learn from a young age that this is a vital piece of information that we need in order to interact with people. Since ‘nonbinary’ isn’t a gender that people assign to strangers, passing doesn’t exist in the same way for nonbinary people. 

Some varieties of passing that might apply to nonbinary people are being read as female in one situation and male in the next, or causing confusion and hesitation when the cues they typically use to gender you are conflicting.

I have found that some of these cues are stronger than others. Voice is one of the strongest. Luckily it doesn’t come into play until you interact with someone but this can be very frustrating over the phone, radio, or at a drive through. Another strong one is whether you have a curved or flat chest. There is some variability to this one depending on body size and structure but a chest that is curved or rounded, as when pushed up by a bra, is, in my experience, exclusively read as female where a flatter chest does not signal male nearly as strongly. On the flip side, having facial hair strongly signifies male, especially if it is darker, thicker, and more widespread, whereas having no facial hair does not necessarily signify female. A slightly less strong cue is bone structure, particularly of the face, presence of an Adam’s apple, a person’s stature, and shoulder to hip ratio. And lastly, clothing and hairstyle can have a significant effect from farther away but are easily overridden by the other cues above. 

I don’t mean to list these as a way to trigger dysphoria in anyone. It’s more a way of expressing my frustration that society is so hung up on these aspects of how we look and present that they can completely hijack a stranger’s brain into categorizing us a certain way regardless of our efforts to flag our gender. 

I also think about the list of cues above as a guideline of how to mess with the gendering system in other people’s brains. If I avoid the cues that have a stronger effect in either direction by flattening my chest, speaking in the lower range of my voice, wearing clothes that look boxier, and keep my hair short, maybe I will have a stronger effect. Or for someone else, this may look like having facial hair, wearing more feminine clothes, and maybe even a padded bra or breast forms. 

Unfortunately, if you can’t be easily categorized into male or female, you tend to stand out and draw attention to yourself. Always feeling like you stand out just for being who you are can be exhausting and often we end up compromising our personal comfort in order to blend in, even if just temporarily. This can be for safety reasons or to have one day where we don’t get second glances, stares, and looks of confusion. Some days I’m able to reframe the double takes as a positive thing, that who I am is showing through and challenging their binary views of gender, but most of the time it just feels like unwanted negative attention. 

ASSUMED CIS

Passing is usually referred to in a way that makes it sound like trans people are attempting to hide i.e. be ‘stealth’, trying to trick cis people, or frames passing as the goal of transitioning. These perspectives can be very toxic to lots of people, but especially nonbinary people. 

Instead of using the term ‘passing’ to mean ‘being identified by stranges in alignment with my identity’, which doesn’t feel like it will ever apply to me, I prefer to use the term ‘assumed’. Most of the time, I am assumed to be female by strangers, acquaintances, co-workers, really anyone I’m not out to. There has been the occasional time when I was assumed male and got called sir. One of these times they ‘corrected’ themself and changed it to ma’am when I turned around and spoke. The other time I was so surprised, in a good way, that I couldn’t remember my breakfast order and my husband ordered for me while trying not to laugh at my deer-in-the-headlights reaction. 

Anyway, I much prefer the term ‘assumed’ to ‘passing’. Not only does it relate much more strongly to my experience as a nonbinary person, but it also assigns the action to the stranger rather than to me. This is also much more accurate to my experience. I am living my life, presenting and interacting however is most comfortable for me and it is the people around me who are assuming that I am a cis woman. 

PUBLIC GENDERED BATHROOMS

There are some specific situations where not blending in with either binary gender can make life a lot more difficult. Namely, public gendered bathrooms and gym changing rooms. Let’s start with bathrooms.

When it comes to using a binary gendered public washroom, I have a few different options. Choosing either binary gendered washroom comes with the psychological impact of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom. I can use the bathroom I’m guessing that most people are assuming is in alignment with my gender regardless of how I’m feeling (usually the women’s which is lucky because it has a lower safety risk). I can use the bathroom that most closely aligns with my gender at that time to minimize the psychological cost (but if this happens to be the male bathroom I am trading the psychological cost for a much higher safety risk). Or I can avoid going to the bathroom until I have access to a gender neutral, all-gender, or non-gendered washroom with the increased risk of getting a UTI if this becomes a regular occurrence. When I’m out, having a friend to go to the washroom with can help protect against the safety risk posed by strangers but it doesn’t take away the impact of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom. 

As you can see, none of these options is great. But it has led to me making note of every business I come across that has non-gendered washrooms. 

GOING TO THE GYM AND OTHER PHYSICAL ACTIVITY

Going to the gym includes a few different things I want to talk about. The first is the changeroom situation. This closely mirrors the things I talked about related to public washrooms but with a few extra points. We aren’t just using a stall at the gym, we’re actually getting changed, often in view of strangers. This can be terrifying for anyone who’s body doesn’t fit the gendered expectations associated with the space they’re in. Getting changed is also often a trigger of dysphoria for lots of trans and nonbinary people. So overall, this experience sucks. 

On the plus side, most change rooms include bathroom stalls or changing stalls. This added privacy can definitely help with the safety risk. There are also often family change rooms that are single use. I know it feels weird to use those as a single person (maybe this is one of the random benefits of being a parent as a nonbinary or trans person?). I’ve done it when my dysphoria was too bad to feel comfortable using the women’s change room (and there’s no way I look like I belong in the men’s). It feels like everyone is watching you and judging you for using the one family change room as a single person but I know it’s what I need to do sometimes so I change as fast as I can and try to ignore the feelings of guilt. 

Then there’s the working out part of going to the gym. Let’s ignore for a minute that there’s a global pandemic and lots of areas have gyms closed or many of us are choosing to work out at home instead. Some of this will still apply. 

Gyms often have at least one wall made of mirrors. This sucks for a lot of people with dysphoria. Though I have found that sometimes, if my dysphoria is mostly social in nature rather than physical, seeing my body do something strong and personal and gender-affirming can actually help mitigate dysphoria or increase euphoria. 

The physical activity involved in working out can have lots of positive effects on our bodies in terms of endorphins, health, mood, energy level, and a sense of control over our physical being that we often feel so at odds with. All of these things can help improve our resilience and resistance to the negative effects of dysphoria. Unfortunately, with the nature of lots of types of physical activity, we can’t use some of our dysphoria management strategies such as binding, tucking, or packing. And feeling parts of our body move around that we don’t feel should be there in the first place can make certain types of physical activity a strong trigger of dysphoria.

Luckily there are lots of different types of physical activity to choose from. And that’s the last part of going to the gym, or in this case, even working out at home, that I wanted to talk about. For me, different types of physical activity feel more or less affirming depending on how my gender feels at the time. Whether it’s social conditioning or something inherent in the types of movement and how they feel in my body, stretching, Pilates, and low impact or endurance cardio feel more feminine to me, kickboxing and Thai chi feel more neutral, and weight lifting and higher intensity cardio feel more masculine. I can choose the type of activity that feels most in alignment with my gender at the time or I can choose a type of activity that will temporarily make me feel a different aspect of my gender to increase my sense of balance. 

THE POWER OF A NONBINARY PERSPECTIVE

Discovering you are nonbinary starts with questioning the gender binary. But living as a nonbinary person and challenging the gender binary on a daily basis also gives you the skills and awareness to recognize other binary situations and systems that you are uniquely equipped to navigate in a new way. 

For example, we have the saying ‘there are two sides to every story’. But what about a third or fourth interpretation? What about recognizing that those two sides overlap? What if neither side is wholly correct or wholly incorrect? 

In divisive politics and crisis situations, there is often a rhetoric of ‘you are either for us or against us’ or there being a ‘right way’ and a ‘wrong way’ to react to a situation. A perspective derived from a nonbinary view of gender teaches us that there is lots of space for middle ground, other options, and nuance. 

And lastly, when it comes to emotions, we often struggle with so called ‘conflicting’ emotions – grief and gratitude, love and anger, excitement and frustration, relief and shame. We often express these emotions by saying something like ‘I’m so excited to get my new ID but it’s taking forever!’ or ‘I will really miss my grandmother but I’m glad she’s in a better place’. We use the word ‘but’ between concepts that feel like they conflict because the two can’t possibly exist in the same space at the same time. This would be equivalent to me describing my gender by saying ‘I’m female but I’m also male.’ Instead, what I say and what feels true for me is ‘I’m both female and male.’ Applying a nonbinary perspective to conflicting emotions teaches us that just because these emotions are different from each other does not mean they are in opposition, in conflict, or are mutually exclusive. Just as various experiences of gender can exist in the same person at the same time, so can various emotions. Try listening for the times when you use the word ‘but’ and switch it out for the word ‘and’. You might be surprised by how this little change in phrasing makes the experience you are describing feel more whole and valid. 

REACH OUT!

If you have other thoughts on how being nonbinary has influenced your perspective on the world or you’re struggling with the day to day experience of living as a nonbinary person, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you and help if I can, or connect you to other resources. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 7 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 8 I will be talking about pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person including navigating the incredibly gendered world of fertility and pregnancy, the physical experience of being pregnant, and my thoughts as I look ahead to parenting.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E6: Complexities of Nonbinary Identities

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about some of the more complex aspects of being nonbinary such as genderfluid identities, how physical and social aspects of gender can feel at odds with each other, and how nonbinary genders interact with sexual orientation.

GENDERFLUID IDENTITIES

Let’s start with a deeper look at genderfluid identities. I’m going to break this into three different categories for ease of explanation. These categories are arbitrary but I have found them useful in making sense of various gender experiences and the vast number of nonbinary identities. 

The first category is multi-genders. This includes bi-gender, tri-gender, co-gender, etc. People with these gender experiences have more than one gender and fluctuate between them. They can experience one at a time or a combination of all their genders. They may shift between them on a fairly regular schedule, completely randomly, or depending on the situation they’re in. They may experience one gender more often than the others or all their genders equally. It may be an hour, a day, a week, or even longer between shifts. 

They may have a different name, pronoun, and presentation for each gender or they may consistently be comfortable with one name or pronoun. When beginning an interaction, they may use a short hand of ‘I’m Meaghan and I use she/her pronouns today’ or ‘I’m Ray and I use he/him pronouns today’. People they are out to who they interact with regularly will get used to these shifts and may not even need this explicit identifier but I have learned that it is a good habit to get into for my own sense of confidence, authenticity, and visibility. 

The second category is single, fluctuating genders. People with these genders only have one experience of gender but that gender moves around various parts of the gender spectrum. It can move over a large variety of genders or a very narrow range of genders. It can consistently cover the same parts of the spectrum or suddenly feel like a completely different gender than it has before. And similar to multi-genders, it can fluctuate in a predictable way based on time or situation or in a random way. 

People with this experience may have a variety of names and pronouns they use or pick a name and pronoun that feels comfortable for the majority of the time and stick with that. It’s always a good strategy to ask them how they identify or want to be referred to at each interaction. 

The third category is a gender expansive experience. People with this type of gender have one gender but it encompases a wide range on the gender spectrum. They may choose to present one aspect of their gender at a time or embody a variety of components at once. They may appear to have a genderfluid identity when in actuality their gender is stable but expansive. People in this category may choose a gender neutral name and pronoun that feels right no matter which part of their identity they wish to express, they may be comfortable with their birth name and gender marker, or they may have an ‘alter ego’ that they use when they want to present differently from their typical day to day expression. 

If you are genderfluid and your experience differs from all of these, please let me know! I’d love to hear your experience. You can send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment below. 

Explaining your experience of gender as a genderfluid person can be challenging. Not only does it include much of the basics that cis people often don’t understand about nonbinary identities that we talked about in Episode 5, but you then have to explain your overall experience of your gender as well as your current experience of your gender. 

You often need to develop a code to flag to people how your gender feels and how you want to be referred to each time you see them. This can be a verbal code such as simply stating the name and pronoun you wish them to use at that time. It can be a tag of some sort such as a name badge, pin, or dog tag that states your current name and pronoun. Or it can be more subtle such as a piece of jewelry or combination of presentation aspects that signal one name and pronoun combination over another. The more subtle the signal, the easier it is for you but the more practice it takes for the people around you. So if you opt for a more subtle approach, be prepared to correct people if needed and to resort to a more overt approach for people that you interact with less often or who don’t know you as well. 

PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL ASPECTS OF GENDER

Shifting gears, I’d like to talk about physical and social aspects of gender, how these don’t always line up, and what I do in those situations. 

If you’ve listened to previous episodes or read parts of my blog, you know that I have both male and female components to my gender and that they overlap in the neutral area. The balance between these two sides shifts at times such that my day to day sense of my gender moves around between about 25% male to 50% female. I use my innate sense of my gender, various types of dysphoria, and various experiences of euphoria to determine where my gender is on that scale at any given time. 

This is where it gets interesting. Dysphoria and euphoria can both be broken down into physical and social components. Anything to do with my body that I experience with no outside influence whatsoever I consider to be physical. Anything to do with interacting with others including how they gender me based on my body I consider to be social. When I was tracking my gender to see how much it fluctuated, I tracked physical and social aspects separately and discovered that they actually fluctuated differently. 

I often have very little physical dysphoria and have an innate feeling that my body is female or, on a different day, that my body is neutral. But at the same time I will be very uncomfortable being identified as female by others and will prefer to go by Ray and use they/them pronouns if I can. It is more rare to be the other way around but does occasionally happen. 

So what do I do in these circumstances? I tried to come up with dysphoria management strategies and euphoria heightening strategies that targeted either the physical components or the social components. For me, some of the physical strategies were wearing more masculine clothing and jewelry, wearing a binder, or wearing a packer. My social strategies included not responding to feminine language, ‘forgetting’ to wear my name tag, and spending less time with cis het folks I wasn’t out to and more time with queer friends and allies. 

The times when I feel physically male and socially female are easier because I can wear a binder and masculine clothes and people will barely notice and I don’t feel uncomfortable hearing my name, she/her pronouns, or female language. The times when I feel physically female and socially male are much harder. I don’t personally have the need to change my appearance and would feel comfortable wearing my more feminine clothes but if I do, I will have even more social dysphoria about feminine language and she/her pronouns. So I often have to employ some of the physical strategies just to feel like I am having some influence on the social interactions or at least that I did what I could to flag how I wanted to be identified and if the other person didn’t pick up on it that’s their problem. 

Managing this balance can seem complicated and some days it definitely feels exhausting. But I’ve found that the more I can be aware of my own gender and whether it is physical or social aspects that are bothering me most, the better I am at using appropriate strategies to manage it. 

GENDER AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Another area where being nonbinary can feel unnecessarily complicated is how it relates to sexual orientation. Gender and sexual orientation are two completely separate concepts and yet not only do many people tend to mix them up but when we are exploring our gender it often makes us feel unsure about our sexual orientation as well. 

I think this is partly a language thing. Many sexual orientation labels define who we are attracted to in relation to what our own gender is so when our gender or the way we define it changes, often those labels feel like they no longer apply even if who we are attracted to hasn’t changed. The easiest solution to this is to find a new label for your orientation that doesn’t relate it to your gender. 

However, sometimes when we are exploring our gender, it changes how we relate to others and can directly influence our sexual orientation. For example, before doing any of my own gender exploration, I identified as gay. I was female presenting though always more of a tom boy, female identified, and often was labeled as a lesbian. This term never felt right to me and I never used it for myself, which I now think was likely due to my yet undiscovered gender identity. When my husband transitioned I felt no less gay and no less attracted to him. This wasn’t specifically what made me question my own gender identity but once I started to I realized that I had always used the term ‘gay’ to mean ‘attracted to people like myself’. As my awareness of my gender shifted towards the neutral part of the spectrum, so too did my orientation. 

I know of lots of people who’s sexual orientation has remained stable throughout their gender exploration and transition. They have remained attracted to the same types of people they were prior to any gender questioning. I know other people who’s sexual orientation remained stable in relation to their own gender and shifted with their gender through the exploration and transition process, more like mine has. And I know people who’s sexual orientation expanded significantly as they explored their gender because they learned how to see bodies and people as separate from gender. 

Having your sexual orientation questioned when you come out as nonbinary can be frustrating and confusing. If you have an easy answer, feel free to use it. If not, try reflecting their question back to them and see if they can question their own assumptions about how your gender and sexuality interact. Sometimes they are informed and know of all these different experiences I talked about and just want to know which one applies to you. But more often than not, they are making an assumption based on the labels you have used in the past and the way they categorize both gender and sexuality as binary, all-or-nothing, or as static. If you can get them to recognize their own assumptions rather than having to do all the education we talked about in Episode 5, go for it. 

REACH OUT!

If you are working through some of these more complex aspects of identifying as nonbinary and want to reach out, please email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 6 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 7 I will be talking about living in the world as a nonbinary person including navigating public bathrooms, going to the gym, and what ‘passing’ means for nonbinary people.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E5: Coming Out as Nonbinary

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again), and how to respond to inappropriate questions and ignorance. 

TO COME OUT OR NOT TO COME OUT…

I look at coming out as an equation between pros and cons. On the pro side, I have need and benefit. How much do I need to come out? This often comes down to how much I’m struggling with not being out. As someone who is somewhat genderfluid and about 50% of the time is comfortable being identified as female, most of the time my need to come out is pretty low. If I’ve been experiencing a lot of dysphoria or been through a triggering situation, the need definitely goes up. 

How much will coming out benefit me? And how likely am I to receive those benefits? The benefit to me of everyone I come out to accepting me 100% as a nonbinary person is very high but the likelihood of that happening is very low, much lower than for binary trans people. This is simply due to society’s reliance on the gender binary and the lack of understanding of nonbinary identities. 

On the con side, there’s cost and risk. What is the emotional cost required to receive the benefit? I.e. how much emotional labour will I have to do to get someone to the point where they understand my identity or at least understand how to be supportive and are consistently following through on that? This varies but is generally on the high end. Also included in cost is the emotional cost of being misgendered. In mine and my husband’s experience, being misgendered by someone you have come out to hurts a lot more than being misgendered by someone you haven’t come out to yet. And if it’s going to be a struggle for people to understand my identity and gender me correctly, I am likely to get misgendered more often than correctly gendered. So this definitely puts the cost at the high end. 

I think of risk as what I might lose by coming out. Is there a risk to my physical wellbeing either due to safety or stability (job, housing, etc) by coming out? In my case, I have a lot of privilege and support in this area and have very low risk to my safety and security. 

So if the need and benefit of coming out are both low and the cost is high, why have I come out to anyone? Well, certain things can shift this equation in favour of coming out. As I said, the need goes up when I’m having a particularly difficult day, a longer period of more intense dysphoria, or experience a triggering situation. The cost can also go down significantly if I am talking to someone who is queer, someone who openly expresses awareness of trans issues or, even better, nonbinary identities and pronouns, or if I am in a position of power in relation to the person or people I am coming out to. 

The longer I have identified as nonbinary and the more times I’ve come out to people, the better I get at recognizing these low cost situations and capitalizing on them or the higher need situations and making sure I get the support I need without traumatizing myself further by having a high cost conversation with someone just based on proximity. 

COMING OUT CONSIDERATIONS

So what are some of the things you should think about when you’re deciding to come out to someone?

The first thing should be safety. This includes both emotional and physical safety. What views has the person expressed? How much risk is there to your wellbeing if the conversation isn’t received well? Coming out is always a scary process. I don’t think I have ever come out as nonbinary to someone without at least a small amount of fear. So it definitely can be a challenge to figure out if this fear is your natural anxiety about doing something big or if there is a legitimate risk to your safety. Take precautions, have a back up plan in case it doesn’t go well, find outside sources of support and stability as much as possible, and trust your gut. 

The next thing to do is figure out what your expectations are. What outcome are you expecting from this particular coming out conversation? How much might you lose? How hard to you think the conversation (or conversations) will be? This will help you figure out if it’s worth the cost. 

And lastly, consider the context. Who are you coming out to? If they are someone that is very close to you and has a high impact on your safety and stability, the emotional cost and risk will be higher, but also so will the need and benefit. Are they likely to talk to anyone else, either because they tend to spread news or because they will need to have someone to discuss it with in order to process? Are you ok with that or is this something you want to explicitly discuss during the conversation? Who else is around you at the time you are having this conversation? Are there others that might overhear who you don’t want to be coming out to, or who you would like to overhear so they know without you having to explicitly tell them? What medium are you using to come out? Up until now I have discussed it as though it is a face to face conversation but this doesn’t have to be the case. Both my husband and I have found a written format, usually via email, to be the easiest. But that only works for the planned, thought about in advance type of coming out conversations, not the ones where you capitalize on a low cost or high need situation. And lastly, consider your ability to care for yourself in that context. Will you have time alone soon after? Will you have access to your most effective self-care tools or support networks? How can you adjust the context so you do have access to those things?

This can seem like a lot of questions to ask yourself in a split second between someone calling you by a binary term and you deciding to correct them or not. But some of these questions will be more important to you than others. Some of them are make or break. Those are the ones you want to focus on. 

EXPLAINING YOUR IDENTITY TO CIS PEOPLE

So let’s say the equation tips in favour of coming out. Coming out as nonbinary, or any queer identity for that matter, requires using language that is not necessarily understood in the same way or understood at all by the person you are coming out to. When we find labels that work for us, they help us understand ourselves and often help us connect with others who share our experiences. But when we are going to use them as a communication tool such as in the coming out process, we have to remember that words are used to represent abstract concepts and not everyone has the same understanding of those concepts as we do. 

There are lots of aspects of queer identity and culture that are not understood, or misunderstood, by mainstream culture. This is because the majority of exposure to queer culture is via the media which is notorious for picking stories that are sensational, that are the most shocking or the most palatable to the mainstream, and that are the most visible or common. This leaves many queer experiences misinterpreted or not represented at all. So when we use language that connects to concepts built by the media, it can take a lot of energy to counteract those concepts in order for the person we are trying to come out to to accurately understand our experience and identity. 

This knowledge gap can be very frustrating and can often take you by surprise. What do you mean you’ve never heard the term nonbinary? What do you mean you’ve never heard of anyone using they/them pronouns? When we have been so immersed in this world and information as we try to figure ourselves out, it can be a shock to realize how far behind everyone else is. 

When you are coming out, you can ignore this knowledge gap and expect people to look up the terms you used that they don’t understand (and even provide them resources) but what if they don’t even understand that it is important enough an issue that they need to do this work? If you can find a key person or two in each group of people you are coming out to (family, co-workers, friends) and spend the time and energy to bring them up to speed, they can hopefully then help bring others along or at least be a good example of how to refer to you. 

The first step to bringing someone up to speed is noticing when there is a knowledge gap and identifying how big it is. If they have looks of confusion or ask vague awkward questions like ‘So when did this start’ or ‘Why are you telling me all this’ or even ‘What, what do you mean, nonbinary,’ these are good indicators that they do not have the background knowledge required to understand what you are telling them. 

The next step is to connect the dots. I tend to use a working backwards approach. If they’re confused about nonbinary, I suggest that gender isn’t just male and female. If they relate my gender to my body, I talk about gender and sex being separate concepts. If they want to know my life history and make everything about gender or are looking for some kind of trigger, I talk about identity as an ever evolving thing that was there from the start even if I didn’t have the words to understand or express it. If they have a strong, especially negative, reaction to a label I use, I ask them what comes to mind when they hear that label. If it’s a new label to them, they might just not like the feeling of being confused. Or, they may have a bad or incorrect association with it from media representation that I would then have to correct or find a different label to use (which is why I like knowing a few different ones that work for me). From there, I work my way back up to the understanding of my identity that I wanted them to have in the first place. 

The last step is to leave them with a clear takeaway message. For me, this is usually a combination of ‘You don’t have to fully understand my identity in order to support me’ and ‘I would like you to avoid female gendered language and use these terms and they/them pronouns instead’ or whatever my expectations are for that individual or group. Check out the post on bridging the gap between mainstream and queer and trans culture for more tips and useful phrases.

EXPLAINING DYSPHORIA TO CIS PEOPLE

Another aspect of coming out is often having to explain why you don’t feel like the gender you were assigned at birth. Typically this includes a description of the types of dysphoria you feel. Most cis people don’t know about the concept of dysphoria let alone understand what it feels like. So I find it helpful to relate it to something they might have experienced. Some of the phrases I’ve used include wearing an ill fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off, having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to painful that you can’t do anything about, or not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror. 

Even more important than explaining what dysphoria feels like is explaining what the impact is on you. For this, I describe how exhausting it can be to have part of your mental and emotional space taken up by the effort to ignore those sensations of pins and needles, or how it feels like being pinched every time you’re misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone you’re not out to) and punched when you’re misgendered by someone you are out to, or how you feel like the parts of you that feel comfortable are invisible and the parts everyone can see are the ones that feel wrong. 

I hope you find these phrases helpful in your coming out process. 

THEY/THEM PRONOUNS

If you are someone who uses they/them or neopronouns and will be asking people you come out to to adopt these pronouns, these conversations are all about shifting the other person’s mental image of you. This takes practice and most people have never had to do this until someone they know comes out as trans. So naturally, the more clarity you can give them on who you are, why your old identity doesn’t fit, and why the identity you are telling them about feels authentic and important to you, the easier time they will have in adopting the pronouns and name you are asking them to use. Take a listen to Season 2 Episode 4 for more ideas on names, pronouns, and other gendered language. 

EXPLAINING FLUID GENDER IDENTITIES

If you are someone who has a fluid gender identity, coming out often requires an explanation of your total gender experience and a shorter version of how you feel in the moment and how you want to be referred to that you would repeat at each interaction or when your gender has shifted. I’ll talk more about this in Episode 6. 

KNOWING YOUR BOUNDARIES

As you will have noticed from what I’ve talked about so far, and likely experienced yourself, coming out involves a lot of educating others. Often, especially at the beginning of this process (that goes on for the rest of our lives), we engage in conversations that are more exhausting than they are worth or reveal more personal information than was necessary for that individual or situation. In short, we cross our personal boundaries before we realize. 

People will ask invasive and inappropriate questions without knowing that’s what they’re doing. And sometimes, you will answer them without realizing that you don’t owe them that information. This can make you feel exposed, defensive, or antagonistic either in response to the question or at the next encounter with this person. This has definitely happened to me and is never a good place to be. The other person may be surprised when your demeanor suddenly changes or may become antagonistic themself. The relationship that you valued enough to want to come out can become a source of pain or even a safety risk. 

So how do you figure out where your boundaries are before you or someone else crosses them by accident? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself that might help. 

With regards to general information, are you comfortable…

  • Disclosing your birth name?
  • Explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
  • Talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
  • Talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance  or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
  • Talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
  • Talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
  • Talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

With regards to medical and legal information, are you comfortable…

  • Talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
  • Talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of these medications?
  • Disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?
  • Talking about legal documentation changes?
  • Discussing transphobic policies and politics?

Answering yes or no to each of these questions is a good start. You may want to do this a few times based on who you are talking to or what context you are in. For example, you may answer differently if you are talking to a co-worker, a close family member, a trans person, or your medical doctor. 

So what if someone asks about one of those things that you aren’t comfortable disclosing that information but you don’t want to discourage them or shut down the conversation completely? Here are a few different options. 

Try explaining why that’s not something that is appropriate to ask or why this is not an appropriate context to ask it in. This response still provides education and helps them be better informed and a better ally and keeps a positive relationship and rapport between you but without crossing your personal boundaries. 

Have resources ready to recommend so they can look up general information on the topic they are asking about. Usually acquaintances, co-workers, or friends are asking you specifically because you are the first trans or nonbinary person they have been exposed to and you happen to be there when the question occurs to them. They don’t necessarily want to know your specific story even if that’s how they phrase the question.

Challenge them based on the phrasing of the question. If they ask ‘Are you having the surgery?’ you can respond ‘What surgery?’ If they can’t answer with a more specific informed question, they don’t deserve your personal response. 

Provide a general response instead of a personal one regardless of how they ask the question. For example ‘I’m not comfortable answering that for myself but from what I’ve heard from other trans people, some do [example A for these reasons] and some do [example B for these reasons]’. 

Remember, hindsight is 20/20. There will definitely be times when you disclose more than you meant to or realize later that there was no reason why you had to answer their question. This can lead to a lot of guilt and regret about not standing up for yourself or protecting your privacy when you had the right to. Try to be kind to yourself. We’ve all done that and all you can do is learn as much as you can from others about how to have the conversations in advance and explore where your boundaries are before they are crossed. 

SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND GENDER

Another aspect of coming out in terms of gender is how it impacts your sexuality. When my husband came out at trans one of the most common questions I got was whether that made me straight. I haven’t gotten nearly as many questions about my sexuality when I have come out as nonbinary but I also haven’t come out to nearly as many people. However, I definitely questioned my own sexuality and how to describe it to others when I came out to myself as nonbinary. Also consider that coming out to your partner may cause them to question their own sexuality (which they may or may not feel prepared to do). I’ll talk more about all these intersections of gender and sexual orientation in Episode 6 as well. 

GUIDELINES FOR CIS PEOPLE

One of the other posts on my blog I recommend checking out is called How to Be Respectful Towards a Trans Person. This is a resource written for cis people as a guideline of how to respond when someone in their life comes out to them as trans. It has different sections depending on the nature of the relationship to the trans person. You can read through this yourself to get a better understanding of how people should and should not respond to you when you come out or you can include it in your resources that you recommend or give to people when you come out.

REACH OUT!

Coming out is an intense, scary, repetitive, exhausting, but often rewarding experience. If you are struggling with this process and want to reach out, you can email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember, you are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 5 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 6 I will be talking about some of the more complex aspects of being nonbinary such as genderfluid identities, how physical and social aspects of gender can feel at odds with each other, and how nonbinary genders interact with sexual orientation.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E4: Name, Pronouns, and Other Gendered Language

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about figuring out how you feel about your name, pronouns, and other types of gendered language and how to decide what feels right. 

NAMES

Some people feel very uncomfortable with their birth name, either because it is typically interpreted in a gendered way or because it is associated with their past identity before coming out. 

Some people are perfectly comfortable with their name but decide to change it because of how it is interpreted by society or to signal their change of identity to others.

Some people are comfortable with their name and never feel the need to change it. 

Some people, and this is the version that relates to my experience, use different names depending on how they feel or what situation they’re in. 

I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name – Meaghan – because it represents the female half of myself. I also have the name Ray that represents the male half of myself. I think of myself as Meaghan Ray and will go by Meaghan or Ray or Meaghan Ray depending on the situation. Primarily I use Meaghan in everyday life and with family and Ray in queer spaces. So far I haven’t changed my name legally but I am considering changing my middle name to Ray.

But how did I figure out that this way of using different names was right for me? 

If you listened to Episode 1 of Season 2 you heard me talk about my initial gender experience in grade 10 where I was switching back and forth between Meaghan (female) and Ray (male). I had no idea why I was responding to the name Ray or where it came from. It just seemed to be part of my male identity from the start. So essentially, I never had to search for a name that fit. But that also meant that switching to a new, gender neutral name that would encompass both parts of myself didn’t feel right either. So I had to figure out how to use both Meaghan and Ray as names in a way that gave me a sense of balance and authenticity. 

At first it felt awkward and scary to introduce myself as Ray in queer spaces. One of the biggest experiments I did with this was going on a writing retreat on a cruise ship with a whole group of strangers that I may or may not ever interact with again. The organizers were very queer friendly and had everyone fill out a form stating what we wanted on our name badge. It didn’t have to match our legal name and would include pronouns. So I went with Ray and they/them pronouns. People followed through on the name really well because they had never known me as anything else. Pronouns were a different story but I’ll get to that in a sec.

If you are uncomfortable with your name and want to change it, here are a few strategies to try. 

Start with a gender neutral or more affirming nickname version of your name if one exists. If this feels better than your birth name, it not only points you in the right direction and gives you a bit of affirmation and euphoria but is also easier to get people to use without having to come out (if you don’t feel ready yet).

Look up gender neutral names in a baby name app or ask close friends what they think might fit you. Test out various names by writing about yourself in third person, using that name as an online identity, ask close friends to test it out with you, or put a different name in each time you order something online (or when ordering coffee) so you see how it feels when it arrives. 

There will be a name that you keep coming back to or that stands out as feeling right. Even if it’s not the one that everyone else thinks you should use, if it feels right to you, that’s the one to use. 

If you’re comfortable with your name, either because it is gender neutral to start off with or because it feels right regardless of what gender it flags to everyone else, that’s fine too! You don’t have to change it in order to be ‘trans enough’ or ‘nonbinary enough’ to claim a particular identity. 

Keep in mind though that people generally associate who you are with your name and may have trouble understanding how their perception of you is incorrect, and struggle to correct it, if your name is staying the same. If this turns out to be the case, you can always decide to change your name later if you feel you want or need to. 

PRONOUNS

Getting people to use they/them pronouns, and even more so neopronouns, is a big struggle. So much so that it has been a huge barrier to me feeling like it would be beneficial to come out as nonbinary. If I’m not changing my name and no one is going to use the correct pronouns anyway, why bother?

When I say that getting people to use they/them pronouns is a struggle, I’m comparing it to getting people to switch from female pronouns to male pronouns when my husband transitioned. That was still a struggle and took quite a while (and he still gets misgendered by coworkers four years later!) but at this point he almost always gets referred to using he/him pronouns by strangers. Not only will strangers forever label me as female and revert to she/her pronouns but even when I have explicitly asked someone to use they/them pronouns (and even have it printed on a badge I am wearing) they still struggle with it unless they have had prior experience and know other people who use they/them pronouns. 

There are a number of reasons why I think people struggle with they/them pronouns more than binary ones. 

I’m not even going to talk about the ‘it’s not grammatically correct’ hurdle because seriously, it is, you use them all the time as a singular pronoun already. 

The sticking point is that people don’t often use them consciously as singular pronouns. They only use they/them singular as a default when they don’t know someone’s gender such as when referring to an unknown person when they find an umbrella forgotten on a bus. To use they/them singular consciously seems to use different brain circuitry. 

Another component to this sticking point is that in those circumstances where they already use they/them singular, they are using it for someone who’s gender is unknown, not someone they know. Most people have an association with they/them pronouns as being ambiguous, vague, distant, a place-holder until you identify the person’s gender. So when we ask them to use they/them pronouns to refer to us, someone they know, it makes them feel like they are referring to us in a way that denotes distance in the relationship, not familiarity. 

When my husband socially transitioned and asked people to start using he/him pronouns, they struggled with it until their mental image of him was that of a male person instead of a female one. After that he was misgendered significantly less. This is another thing that creates difficulty with people adopting they/them and neopronouns. If people have a hard time conceptualizing nonbinary identities let alone applying that identity to me specifically, they will likely have a hard time automatically using the correct pronouns.  

I do have some strategies that I want to recommend to help people adopt a new name and/or pronouns if that is a change you want to make.

Request that they change your name or add your pronouns next to your name in their phone contact info for you. Every time you text or call they will be reminded of the correct name and pronouns. 

Have as many open conversations as you can with them about how you see yourself in terms of gender. The better they understand how you see yourself, the easier time they will have of changing their own mental image of you and therefore the name and pronouns that they associate with you. 

Have an ally with you who will model the correct name and pronouns. If you would like, this ally can also correct the other people’s use of name and pronouns or they can simply set a good example. 

Set ground rules about how you will correct their use of pronouns. You can use a code word, for example ‘potato’, every time they get it wrong, or you can correct them once during each interaction, if that’s all the energy you have, with the understanding that you expect them to correct themselves and each other from then on.

One suggestion I would stress is to make it clear that you expect them to use the correct pronouns and name for you even when you are not present and to correct each other if they get it wrong. This is the only way they will ever get it consistently right when you are around. 

OTHER GENDERED LANGUAGE

But of course, we can be misgendered by more than just our name or pronouns. There is lots of other gendered language that people use without realizing. 

There’s the everyday Ma’am and sir, ladies, guys, dude, bro, hey man, hey girl.

Then there’s the familial terms such as son, daughter, sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, ect

If people I have come out to use those everyday gendered terms to refer to me I will say a quick ‘nope!’ or ‘not a lady’, ‘not a girl’, in response. This will sometimes lead to a brief conversation of what they should say instead and as long as they follow through on that next time, it can be a helpful interaction. 

If someone I’m not out to yet consistently uses those terms, especially when including me in a group of women (which happens often at my workplace), I will simply not respond to the general greeting because it didn’t actually apply to me. If they address me specifically or follow up with something else, I’ll respond per usual. I have noticed that this subliminal messaging has a decent effect on some people that I interact with on a more regular basis. Whether they’re aware of it consciously or not, they use those terms less and less when referring to me or addressing me, and they’ll find another way to get my attention. 

For the more formal familial terms there are lots of gender neutral options. Mx. is the gender neutral honorific instead of Mrs, Ms, or Mr. It is pronounced Mix which can be used instead of ma’am and sir as well. Those are most often used in a customer service setting where they could just as easily leave them off and say ‘can I help you?’ or refer to you as a customer, patron, or shopper instead of a woman or man. There is nibling for niece or nephew, sibling instead of sister or brother, child or first-born, eldest, youngest, etc instead of son or daughter. The gender neutral version of aunt or uncle is more varied and personal though I personally like Untie (pronounced UN-tee).  

Parental names are a whole other story. There are so many options for parental terms that are not mom or dad that it is hard to narrow it down or find one that feels right. By the time this episode airs, I will hopefully be a new parent so this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. 

Not only what will the child call me but how will I enforce that term with other family members when they are referring to me when talking to the child, especially if I’m not out to all those family members yet? And how much more misgendering will I have to deal with once the child is going to school? 

I will talk about this more during episode 8 when I talk about nonbinary pregnancy and parenting. And I will definitely be posting updates on this journey as a nonbinary parent on my blog. If you subscribe, you’ll get the updates in your inbox.

More recently, during the pregnancy experience, I have encountered a ton of gendered language around pregnant people being referred to consistently as women, mom, or mom-to-be. 

When talking about breastfeeding there is also a huge lack of inclusive terminology. So naturally, I wrote a blog post about that too, with a list of inclusive terminology suggestions for pregnancy, birthing, and feeding a baby. I will be talking more about that in Episode 8 as well.

TAKE AWAY

During my own journey of navigating names, pronouns, and other gendered language, I discovered that all three of these aspects affect me differently. 

For example, as I mentioned, I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name, except for the times I’m feeling almost exclusively male. Even so, I do feel like I need some time as being identified as Ray, just to feel like I maintain a balance and a feeling of authenticity and visibility.

I’m comfortable with she/her pronouns about 50-75% of the time, he/him pronouns about 25% or less of the time, and they/them pronouns 100% of the time. 

I’m rarely if ever comfortable with the generic female gendered language such as ladies, ma’am, miss or girl. I’m much more comfortable with generic male gendered language including sir, man, bro, dude and guys. 

I’m ok with certain female gendered familial terms but only if I’ve had specific conversations with the other people involved in that relationship and know that they see me for who I am but still prefer to use the same term due to the emotional history between us. If they’re comfortable shifting to a neutral option, that is generally more comfortable for me. 

All this to say, just because your name, pronouns, and other language people use for you may all relate to the gender you were assigned at birth which you no longer identify as or feel comfortable with, it doesn’t mean that all three of these things, or any of them for that matter, have to be uncomfortable for you or that they are equally so. 

I recommend looking at each of these aspects separately and seeing if they actually cause varying degrees of dysphoria. How they feel may be different depending on the context, who is using that name, pronoun, or language, or how your gender feels at the time (especially if you’re genderfluid like me). 

If this gets overwhelming, feel free to email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember: You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 4 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 5 I will be talking about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, and how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again).

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E3: Nonbinary Gender Presentation and Expression

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender. 

This episode is about nonbinary gender presentation and expression and how to figure out what works for you. 

EXPLORING MY GENDER PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

I think of presentation as things people would see in a picture – clothes, hair style, makeup, facial hair, accessories. Expression is everything else – behaviours, voice, how you walk, gesture, and move, conversation style, word choice.

As I was raised female and I am generally identified as a woman by strangers, I started by adopting a more masculine clothing style. I did this before I even knew it was a gender thing. This was a fairly low risk change in presentation because it is acceptable for women to dress more masculine in my social culture. However, the same is not true for someone who is typically identified as a man by strangers who wants to dress more femininely. For that person, a change in clothing might come much later in the process of exploring presentation and expression.

Body hair was another aspect of my appearance that I figured out fairly early on. I was never comfortable with shaving my legs and intermittently comfortable with shaving under my arms. So I followed my instincts with those, again, well before knowing it was even a gender thing. 

I have never had facial hair and haven’t experimented with it since I never felt like I wanted any though I have been thinking more about it lately and might try some experiments with makeup in the future. 

My hairstyle was next. I had always had longer hair but kept it tied back. I cut it shorter for cuts for cancer one year and loved it. I never went back to having full long hair but didn’t have the guts to keep it short either. Then the undercut style came into fashion which was prefect for me – the one time I actually wanted to follow along with a fashion trend! I slowly went from an undercut to a side cut, to just cutting the whole thing short. This was the single most euphoric thing I have done in terms of presentation. Even now, about two years later, every time I get a haircut it feels great. 

As someone who has breasts, I also wanted to try a binder. Having experienced my husband using a binder during his transition, I already knew that I would love how this looked and felt. Unfortunately due to a medical condition, I can’t wear it for very long or for more than two days in a row but this usually suits me fine as my gender fluctuates somewhat and usually doesn’t stay in the ‘male’ range for very long. I have since experimented with Trans Tape as well which definitely has a learning curve but on the third try I got a good result that I was comfortable with and will definitely keep it as an option in the future.

I have also experimented with wearing a small packer. This is something that was especially terrifying in public but I have come to realize that it is much more noticeable to me than to anyone else. So I mostly do it for the feel rather than the look. I find it particularly useful when I can’t wear my binder due to pain or length of time before I’ll have a chance to change, but I’m feeling more male and have moderate physical dysphoria. 

In terms of expression, I always naturally had a more neutral or masculine interaction style and didn’t have to work particularly hard to get rid of the more feminine mannerisms. However, I have noticed this to be more of a struggle for some nonbinary people, especially those who were socialized male. Often we are unaware of which of our mannerisms are being read as masculine or feminine by those around us until it is pointed out so if changing your expression is important to you, I recommend finding a trusted friend who is typically read by strangers the way you want to be read and have them give you feedback on your behvaiours, mannerisms, and conversation style. 

One aspect of expression I did specifically work on (and am still conscious of) is the pitch of my voice. As I’ve mentioned before on this podcast, when my husband’s voice lowered when he started taking testosterone, my voice sounded high in comparison. I worked at lowering the range of my voice and speaking in the lower part of my range until it became natural. Luckily I did have some singing training so I had lots of exercises that I knew how to do to strengthen or change the range of my voice. But if you don’t have this type of training you can definitely look up apps that will take you through these exercises.

I also became more conscious of how much I was apologizing and how often I would move over on a sidewalk or in a hallway, especially if a man was walking towards me and tried to avoid doing these things if they were unnecessary and simply a programmed reaction from being socialized female. 

THERE ARE NO RULES

The practical aspects of what you want to change about your gender presentation and expression and how you explore that are going to be different for everyone.

When I was looking for ideas of what to try that might feel good for me, I found Instagram to be very helpful. I followed nonbinary hashtags and found people to follow who had a look that I wanted to emulate. 

Remember there are no rules when it comes to nonbinary presentation and identity, despite what the media tells us. Nonbinary does not equal young, thin, white, assigned female at birth. Nonbinary presentation does not have to equal androgyny.

There is no such thing as ‘presenting as nonbinary’. Presentation and identity are two separate things. Do what feels right for you. 

HOW TO EXPLORE YOUR PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

But how do you figure out what feels right for you when the options are limitless? I’ll talk you through a step-by-step approach that we used during my husband’s transition and I used to experiment with some aspects for myself. 

Start by making a list of everything you can think of that you want to try. The questionnaire from Dara’s book that I talked about in Episode 2 helped me out with this a lot. Try to break it down as much as possible into small pieces. For example, say you want to try wearing nail polish. Clear nail polish is much more subtle than a brightly coloured one and black nail polish generally signals something different again. So if wearing a bright colour seems too scary or obvious, maybe add ‘wear clear nail polish’ to the list and start there. 

Next, make a hierarchical list of environments including a variety of places and the people you would be around from most safe to least safe or most scary for you. This can include at home by yourself, at home with your partner or family, at a trusted friend’s house, out in public with a trusted friend or your partner, at work, around extended family, etc. 

For each thing on the list, match it up with an environment that you would feel ok trying it in first off. Some of the more covert things might feel fine to do in public right from the start where some of the things on your list you might need to start by trying it in your most secure environment on the list. 

As you’ve probably guessed, the next step is to start trying things. Start with something that doesn’t feel too scary to you and slowly work your way through your list. 

First, I recommend trying each thing separately and later you can try combining parts of your presentation to see if that changes how you feel about a particular aspect. So for example, if you didn’t like wearing a skirt, that didn’t feel very good to you, later on, try wearing a skirt but with a more masculine top, or after you’ve cut your hair short, or while you have facial hair. Maybe the skirt will feel different in that context.

Once you’ve tried a few things in safe environments and figured out what you like, start trying them in the next environment down the list. 

This type of practical experimentation can feel exhilarating. It is scary but also euphoric. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and exhausting. Whichever way each experiment goes, it is definitely emotionally draining. So make sure you have a good self-care strategy in place for before, during, or after if needed. This can be a phone call check in scheduled with a trusted friend, meditation or journaling about the experience, making yourself your favourite meal afterwards, whatever works for you. 

As you figure out what you like, what feels authentic, and what is comfortable even if it’s too scary to do in public just yet, keep adjusting and adding to your list. Start looking for interesting combinations to try or something you had rejected a long time ago, before even becoming aware of your gender identity. 

For me, this was trying on a dress for the first time since high school prom.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE: WEARING A DRESS

I had this dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked.

I was expecting to feel very uncomfortable and dysphoric when I put it on so I collected a bunch of my more masculine jewelry and a leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I also made sure I was home alone and would have some personal time afterwards if I needed it. 

I brought everything to a room of the house that didn’t have any mirrors. And then I tried on the dress. At first it did feel uncomfortable. So I put on my jacket over top. That felt enough better that I wanted to take a picture of myself to see what I looked like. To my surprise and encouragement, I looked like my nonbinary self in a dress. I didn’t look like a woman I didn’t recognize. I had this irrational image in my mind that as soon as I put on the dress I would all of a sudden have long hair again, I would maybe have makeup on… Obviously, none of that happened. I still had short hair. I still looked like myself.

So I stepped out into the hall to see myself in a mirror. I spun in a circle and played with the skirt of the dress. I took off my jacket and looked at myself again. Yup, still nonbinary. 

While this experiment was a success in terms of turning out to be affirming and decreasing my fear of trying something, I still wouldn’t choose to wear a dress in public because of what it would signal to others. While I still saw myself and felt like my typical nonbinary self, it’s unlikely that strangers would when they read me as female when I’m wearing my most masculine clothes. 

But maybe, some day, I will feel comfortable going out in public wearing a long flowy skirt and a button up shirt with a binder or tape on and my leather bomber jacket on top. 

MANY REASONS FOR CHANGING YOUR PRESENTATION

There are lots of different reasons for presenting in different ways. Making yourself feel as comfortable in your own skin as possible is one of them. 

Safety is another one. Maybe it’s not safe for you to outwardly present in the way that would be most comfortable due to the threat of physical violence or the risk of losing your job, housing, or other forms of support and stability. In this case, you may choose to present in a way that blends in and find subtle or covert ways to present differently such as having your legs shaved or unshaved and wearing long pants most of the time, or wearing a more gender affirming style of underwear. Cutting or growing out your hair can also be less of a flag for people as it is much less tied to gender than many other aspects of presentation. 

Another reason to alter your presentation may be for social attention or visibility, or so we can be more easily identified as queer to others in the community. 

And sometimes we want to influence how people perceive us so they interact with us differently. I’ve noticed that people are less likely to interact with me in a feminine way or expect me to interact in a feminine way if I’m presenting more masculinely. This can help a lot with social dysphoria. I have definitely had days where I didn’t have a lot of physical dysphoria around my chest but I wanted to get people to interact with me as though I was male as much as possible so I wore a binder anyway. 

NONBINARY PRESENTATION IS LIMITLESS

Unfortunately, in the binary society we live in, strangers will always try to categorize us as either male or female. For this reason, there really isn’t such a thing as ‘passing’ as nonbinary. The closest thing I have seen would be making people confused or hesitate, or passing as male in one situation and female the next. 

Some people may find this inability to be recognized as who they are frustrating. Sometimes I do too. But I also find it liberating. If the goal isn’t to ‘pass’ as either male or female, you can do what you want. There are so many varieties of nonbinary presentations that I have seen. 

There’s something like me which is kind of androgynous, kind of masculine some days. I like wearing more fitted tank tops with more baggy bottoms, that type of thing.

There’s having a flat chest (either due to not having grown breasts, having had top surgery, or wearing a binder or tape) and wearing more feminine clothes and makeup.

There’s having a full beard (either due to having a body that naturally produces testosterone, taking testosterone as HRT, or wearing a fake beard or makeup) and then also wearing a dress at the same time.

You can present differently day to day or find something that is fairly consistent. 

You can take hormones to alter your presentation and expression in certain ways and then counteract some of the effects if they’re not for you such as wearing a binder or getting top surgery after taking estrogen or getting electrolysis to remove facial hair after taking testosterone. 

If you’re afraid of what a more permanent change might mean, look at both types of typical binary transition as well as nonbinary presentations. Maybe following a more typical binary transition will actually work for you. That doesn’t mean you are any less nonbinary (unless you decide for yourself that that label no longer fits). 

There are no rules. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. If you’re feeling lost, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I will try to help you connect with others that share your experiences or just be a sounding board if you need someone to listen. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 3 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender. Among the resources for this episode are two blog posts I did on wearing a binder – the first one on physiological effects and the second on recommendations and exercises you can do to minimize these effects so check those out if you or someone you know wears a binder.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 4 I will be talking about how to navigate names, pronouns, and other language as a nonbinary person. As other nonbinary people will attest, there is way more gendered language out there than you realize! Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E2: Nonbinary Gender Exploration

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about nonbinary gender exploration including my own personal exploration process and some other general ways you can explore your own gender.

MY INITIAL GENDER EXPLORATION PROCESS

I started with a list of what I knew:

  • Both male and female 
  • My gender fluctuated somewhat
  • I had both physical and social dysphoria
  • I felt invisible but didn’t feel ready to come out yet

I then made a list of what I wanted to find out:

  • How much my gender actually fluctuated
  • What triggered my dysphoria and how I could manage it or increase euphoria instead
  • How to flag my gender to those around me so they interacted with me in a way that is more comfortable
  • Whether I needed to transition socially, medically, or legally in the future

TOOLS I USED

Gender Tracker

I found this to be the most useful. I was already using a bullet journal for my day to day organization, personal notes, and journaling, and a habit tracker already built into that so I made a gender tracker to go along with it. I tracked my physical and social sense of gender separately using a dot and a circle on a scale of 5 female to 0 to 5 male. This scale works for me because it matches my personal gender identity but if you listened to season 2 episode 1 you heard me talk about various different ways to represent nonbinary identities. If it doesn’t work for you, use a different scale or create your own. Send me an email or leave a comment below with what you come up with. I’d love to see it!

I plotted my gender daily for a month and a half using markers such as where and how much I was feeling dysphoria, what was triggering it, what made me feel better, and just generally how I felt gender-wise.

It showed some very useful patterns:

  • Exactly how much my gender fluctuates
  • When dysphoria or a sudden fluctuation in gender related to my mood
  • How my menstrual cycle affected my gender (not a surprise)

Maybe some of these same patterns will show up for you or maybe you’ll find your own. I do highly recommend at least tracking mood, energy level, social engagements or other aspects that may influence or be influenced by your gender during this period so the information in the tracker is as useful to you as possible.

You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox

The first part of this book that I found really useful was the questionnaire about how comfortable I am with various aspects of my identity, body, and presentation as they relate to my gender. It gave me a good starting point and some objective information. I was able to repeat the questionnaire half-way through my process and then again once I had achieved a lot more comfort and self-awareness.

Other exercises from the book included one where it forced me to write down my fears, one where it helped me come up with a self-care strategy to use for more difficult exploration tasks, and how to design practical gender exploration experiments related to changing my presentation. All of these exercises were really useful and I came back to them multiple times throughout my gender exploration process.

Self-care Toolkit

One of the other things in the book that I will talk about separately is a self-care toolkit. Dara recommends having a small box or pencil case that you can take with you on a daily basis. I left mine at work where I struggle with gender the most. Inside the box are things that are affirming, bring you comfort, and things that provide sensory stimulation for distraction or grounding.

Mine included things like precious stones I could carry around in my pocket, a subtle scent I could dab on my wrist, strong tasting gum, and talismans that reminded me of the support I have in my life.

Other things you can include are slips of paper with affirmations, music playlists, reminders of self-care activities you can do, or names of supportive people written on them, or small pictures of supportive people or yourself when you felt the most euphoric.

Journal

I found it really useful to get my thoughts and feelings out in a stream of consciousness style with no judgement. I had a weekly check in with myself for a little while, and then that switched to monthly once I was doing better. I used this to review how I was doing and what I might need to do differently or if I was ready to try the next thing on my list.

6 MONTHS LATER…

After about 6 months of this exploration process I had figured out quite a lot about my gender. 

  • How much my gender fluctuates
  • How much social and physical dysphoria I have and what specifically triggers each of them 
  • What situations and presentations make me feel the best – euphoric and seen

Remember that exercise from Dara’s book about putting fears into words? One of the biggest ones I had was that exploring my gender would put more of a focus on the dysphoria that I had and would make me more uncomfortable rather than more comfortable. For the most part I had either proven my fears false or at least balanced it out. I have a lot better self-awareness to recognize when dysphoria is what’s making me uncomfortable and burnt out, I have much better management strategies, I can communicate how I’m feeling to supportive people in my life and seek them out, and I have much better support networks either through groups or online, or even just my partner and co-workers.

OTHER WAYS TO EXPLORE YOUR GENDER

There are lots of different ways to explore your gender so if none of the ones I have mentioned so far work for you, I’m going to go through a list of some of the others.

The most common is practical experimentation which I will talk about more in episode 3 on gender presentation and expression.

Another way is you can use vicarious experiences via books, podcasts, social media (especially YouTube), descriptions of labels and definitions, or talking to people in your community who have similar identities to what you’re curious about for yourself.

You can use the process of elimination by defining for sure what you are NOT and steering in a different direction.

You can use objective guidance such as filling in a gender tracker, following steps in a book like You and Your Gender Identity, or talking to a therapist that specializes in gender identity

Or you can test out a particular identity by writing about yourself in the third person using a different name and/or different pronouns. Especially if you have an experience that made you really uncomfortable based on gender, maybe try rewriting it using a different description of yourself, different name and pronouns to see if that makes the experience feel any better for yourself. Try rewriting it a few different ways.

You can also test out your identity by joining an online chat group using a different name and pronouns, especially if you can find a gender affirming one where you can use different pronouns or a different name at different times. Or ask a group of 2 or more friends that you trust to use a different name or pronoun for you and with whom you can present however you feel comfortable.

There are even apps you can use (or there’s always the standard photoshop) where you can see what your face would look like if you had facial hair or none, had make up of various styles, or had shorter or longer hair. 

WRAP UP

Exploring a nonbinary identity can feel a bit like deciding to step off the path in the middle of the woods with no map, compass, or destination in mind just as it starts to get dark.

Don’t be intimidated!

There are lots of gradual, safe, and private ways to explore your gender identity that don’t involve the sensation of jumping off a cliff. If you need someone to talk to as a sounding board, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I am not a therapist (and I highly recommend you find a gender competent one if you can and have the means) but I have done a lot of this myself, have talked to a lot of people, and would love to help if I can. Also reach out to queer support groups in your are or online.

You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 2 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Check out the links below for related blog posts and past podcast episodes. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender presentation and expression. Or in other words, what can I change about how I look and how will that affect how people perceive me? 

RELATED POSTS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E1: Nonbinary Identities and Labels

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INTRO

Welcome to Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person. My husband Jake is a trans man. We have been together since before either of us began exploring our gender identities. I co-hosted Season 1 with Jake where we discussed our experiences through the gender transition process. Season 2 will be radio host monologue style and is all about life as a nonbinary person.

To start off Season 2, I will be talking about nonbinary identities and labels. We talk about this in Season 1: Episode 1: Language and Labels but this time I’ll focus specifically on non-binary identities and labels. 

WHERE MY GENDER STORY BEGAN

I’m going to start off with my personal story so you know where I’m coming from and how I arrived at my current sense of my own identity.

When I was in Grade ten I had a few months of switching back and forth between feeling like I was Meaghan and feeling like a boy named Ray. I didn’t know how to put that into words at the time. All I knew was that some days when I woke up I was comfortable in my more feminine clothes and being called Meaghan and some days when I woke up and went to school I felt very uncomfortable in my feminine clothes and I had to wear my baggier clothes and I would randomly respond to the name Ray of this boy in my year who had a locker down the hall from me.

I couldn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it, I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I just kind of lived through it. I would switch back and forth every few days, maybe have a week or a little bit more as Meaghan and then switch back to Ray for a few days. It got very uncomfortable.

This was around January to March of Grade 10. So around March break when our family went up to cottage I found a quiet space by myself with a notebook. I wrote out a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Meaghan and a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Ray. I drew lines between the ones that were the same which showed where they overlapped and decided that was who I was going to be from then on. In essence I found a way to make them work together.

YEARS LATER…

From then on I ignored it and lived my life as a slightly masculine presenting woman. At least until my husband Jake started transitioning. This exposed me to new labels and a community of trans people and nonbinary people, reminded me of that experience I had had back in Grade ten that I had completely forgotten about, and gave me space to think about my gender in a way that was positive and that it would be possible to live as my whole self and not just where the two parts overlapped.

Initially during his transition I was mostly in the support role so I didn’t feel like I had the energy or space to explore my self but a few years into his transition once everything had stabilized, I did have the energy and that space. Around the same time, with my husband presenting more masculine and being identified as a man in public by strangers, they would put me in the ‘female’ box and treat me more femininely than they had when we were identified as a lesbian couple. This got very uncomfortable and was one of the other reasons why I needed to explore my identity in terms of gender.

The first thing I did was track my gender on a scale and discovered I fluctuate from about 50% female to 25% male, around the middle. Six months into the self-discovery process I had more clearly defined what my triggers are for various types of dysphoria and developed strategies to manage it as best I could. I learned that social dysphoria is significantly harder to manage than physical dysphoria and for me, social dysphoria is actually the one I have more of. I had lots of fears most of which did not come true or were balanced out by benefits of knowing myself better and having better management strategies for dysphoria.

GENDER SPECTRUMS

During my self-discovery process I mostly thought of gender along a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle which, because of the nature of my own identity, works for me. But single line spectrums such as those shown on the original Genderbread Person graphic are problematic for a number of reasons.

The first one is that there is no zero option or absence of whatever is on the spectrum which alienates or doesn’t allow space for many nonbinary and other queer identities. Another reason that it is problematic is that it is still binary focused, this or that or somewhere in between but not something different. It also frames nonbinary experiences using binary terminology and concepts which limits our understanding of ourselves and our ability to explain our identities to others in ways that feel authentic and don’t just relate back to cis experiences.

So I’ve learned that the better option is breaking the spectrum apart to have zero at one end of the scale to gender (male, female, or third gender) at the other end of the scale and have each on their own scales as shown in the Gender Unicorn graphic. This allows for identities that are an absence of that thing such as agender, demi- identities such as demi-boy or demi-girl, and multi-identities such as bigender. It gives more variety, more nuance, it’s more descriptive, more inclusive, and ends up being more accurate to an individual’s experience.

Another way to conceptualize nonbinary identities is on a 2D x-y axis graph (as seen in this post). The X axis 0-6 female and the Y axis 0-6 male. Nonbinary genders can fall anywhere in this square. They can be stable (represented by a dot) or fluctuating (represented by a shaded or circled area). However, this does not allow for third genders and is still framed by the binary and therefore may not work for everyone. 

Some people think of gender as an amorphous cloud of possible identities which is great if that works for you but, especially when explaining my gender to cis people, I find a little more structure is needed. I also found that when exploring my own gender, a little more structure was helpful, at least until I got a handle on where I fell on the spectrum and then I could expand a little on that.

LABELS

I view labels in general as communication tools, ways of expressing who you are and what your experiences might be to others. This relies on a mutual understanding of the label being used and can often lead to confusion if you don’t take the knowledge level or experiences of the person you are talking to into account. 

I’ll explain what I mean by talking about the labels I use and why and how I use each one.

Genderqueer

This is the first label I used (before discovering the label nonbinary). It’s a positive term that states what I am rather than what I’m not. It’s vague and can encompass lots of different things. It has a lot of history and lots of people recognize it.

Nonbinary

I now use this more than genderqueer because it has become a lot more common, even in the cis world. I don’t like this term as much because it focuses on the binary and says I’m not that thing but doesn’t say what I am. My gender is both female and male which means I encompass the whole binary so saying I’m not binary feels a little awkward. But still works as a good catch-all.

Gender-neutral

This is more of a description term than a label. Still relates to the binary and is a good descriptor of how I feel, how I might express myself and how people might relate to me. Even if people haven’t heard the term before it’s pretty easy to understand.

Co-gender

This is the most accurate term for my gender identitiy, the most specific one, but also the one that the least number of people are familiar with so it’s the one I use the least. It means having two distinct gender identities that overlap or work together to balance each other out. This is exactly the description of my gender identity.

Other Nonbinary Labels

There are many many more than what I go over here so if none of these resonate with you or aren’t the one your nonbinary friend or loved one uses, definitely check out the Resources page for other lists.

  • Bi-gender: two distinct genders, often don’t overlap, often people switch back and forth spontaneously or depending on the situation they’re in.
  • Tri-gender: as with bi-gender but with three genders
  • Genderfluid: any gender that encompasses more than one spot on the spectrum, their gender shifts around on the spectrum a little bit or a lot and can shift slowly or suddenly.
  • Gender non-conforming: umbrella term that is easy to understand but again, states what you are not rather than what you are. Some people like the feel of rebelling inherent in this label and for them it works really well.
  • Gender expansive: gender identities that encompass a large range of gender at all times. May feel the most comfortable presenting with some aspects being hyper-masculine and some aspects being hyper-feminine at the same time.
  • Gender creative: often applied to kids who are not fitting what society expects of them based on their sex assigned at birth. Sounds very playful and works well for kids but if it works for you as an adult, feel free to use it!
  • Agender: a lack of gender, having no sense of gender, feeling neutral or null. There are lots of other terms that are similar so if this experience fits but the label agender doesn’t, look up some other similar labels.
  • Demi genders: genders that fall somewhere between agender and any of the other genders. For example demi-girl, demi-boy. I don’t personally like the use of girl and boy, it sounds very young, but if it works for you that’s great!
  • Third genders: many cultural groups have traditions that involved a third gender. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with these as I don’t belong to any of these groups but if you do and you have a connection to that culture this may be a good fit for you.
  • Nonbinary woman or nonbinary man: genders that are fairly close to one of the binary genders but still include a small component of something different.
  • Masculine/feminine-of-center: more related to presentation and experience than identity and used as a grouping term for people who would be ‘read’ in a similar way by strangers. Not necessarily a label in itself but can be a good descriptor to add to other labels.

Trans

The last label I want to talk about is Trans. Trans is an umbrella term that means that your gender identity does not match the gender you were assigned at birth. Nonbinary does fall under the trans umbrella and many nonbinary people consider themselves trans.

Personally, I am very careful about how I apply this term to myself. I find there is a general understanding of trans identities as based on a binary transition which can lead to confusion when using this label without medically or legally transitioning. I would appear as a woman to most people until I say no, I’m nonbinary. But if I start out with the label Trans, they might think I’m a trans woman, ie assigned male at birth and have transitioned, which is very different from my personal experience and could be confusing. However, when I am around people who understand the nuances of the trans community and this label, I have no problem including myself under that umbrella

Of course, personal experience with a label matters. Specifically for the label ‘trans’, most of my experience comes from my husband identifying as a trans man and our experiences with the binary transition process that he’s gone through. Since my experiences are quite different from his, I have a hard time feeling a personal connection with the label ‘trans’ other than through a community connection basis.

There’s a common experience throughout the trans community and especially in the nonbinary community of feeling ‘not trans enough’ to claim this label. This really sucks. I feels like you need to prove your transness or need to complete a certain milestone of transition, especially related to medical or legal changes. I mostly want to say that this experience sucks and is a very common experience and if you are having this struggle, I often share your struggle and you are not alone. You should feel free to claim whatever label feels right to you that is within your realm of cultural experience to claim. 

WRAP-UP

That’s it for Episode 1 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender exploration. Or in other words, how you figure out what the hell your gender is when all you know is that it’s not female or male.

RELATED POSTS AND LINKS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Third Trimester and Weird Pregnancy Symptoms

I’m so close to the end of pregnancy! And the very sudden transition to parenthood. That’s not terrifying at all.

THIRD TRIMESTER

Third trimester has been all about coping as best as I can and preparing for life ahead. I have continued to have pelvic and back pain what has slowly gotten worse. I have a lot of difficulty rolling over in bed, getting out of bed in the morning, and moving around first thing (including getting to the bathroom). On the plus side, all the stiffness and pain I had in my neck, upper back, and ribs has resolved due to the increase in relaxin. If I wake up with a stiff neck it is gone within a couple hours.

And stiff necks are common since I have to sleep on an incline in order to avoid heartburn. I have to eat smaller meals, drink lots of water, often have something creamy like milk or ice cream after a more acidic meal, and occasionally take tums in order to keep heartburn away. I know lots of people have worse cases of heartburn than this so in this regard I feel pretty lucky.

As it is currently mid August, I do struggle with overheating (which happens to make heartburn worse as well). Pain also increases my body temperature. And when I overheat, I get woozy, dehydrated, nauseous, and very fatigued. So staying cool is important. I have taken to wearing a damp headband hanging around my neck (like having a damp towel on the back of your neck but it doesn’t fall off) and hanging out in the basement or air conditioned spaces as much as I need to on hot days. As the area I was working in had no air conditioning and routinely got up to 26 degrees C, I ended up going off work a couple weeks earlier than planned.

Mostly, my body feels heavy and painful and every movement or activity takes twice as much effort. I’m still trying to enjoy the aspects of pregnancy that I can while I still get to experience them but more and more I am looking forward to the end of this phase (at which point I am able to start taking naproxen again!).

Other than the physical aspects of the third trimester, this part of my pregnancy has been characterized by looking ahead and preparing for what’s to come. This started with learning about labour and birth and moved on to learning about feeding, baby care, and postpartum experiences. I created a birth plan (descriptions of each stage of labour and reminders of what might be helpful to me during each phase) and a to-do list to prepare for labour and postpartum. My husband and I have used our planned time off in advance of baby to get as much of this list done as we can.

People call this ‘nesting’. I think of it more as responsible urgency. You never know when the baby will make their appearance so getting useful preparations done early makes sense. It’s not that I feel the need to clean the whole house and sterilize every surface. In fact, that was nowhere on the list and I likely won’t have time or energy for it. But I do want to have the nursery ready, some frozen meals prepared, and a hospital to-go bag packed in advance.

I will give you an update of how our postpartum experience compared to what I expect and whether these preparations were helpful once life with a little one feels manageable. And of course, whatever gendery things are going on during that phase as well.

WEIRD PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

Most of these have nothing to do with gender but I wanted to share some of the more strange symptoms I have experienced that I hadn’t heard about until I asked if others had similar experiences.

I have way more freckles, moles, and other little dark spots than I did before. They are mostly on my chest, shoulders, upper back, and arms. I had lots of these before being pregnant but I have way more now. Will they go away afterwards? I guess we’ll find out!

In the last few weeks I have found my skin to be hypersensitive, especially with repeated stimuli like while having a shower. I can tolerate the water hitting me for 5-8 minutes but then it starts to feel like pins and needles. Stiffer clothes or anything with a label in it is extremely irritating. Even the waistband of my underwear can make my skin itch or sting.

The outside surface of my belly feels almost numb. I have lots of stretch marks which might be related but I figure if I started out with a certain number of nerve endings and then my surface area expanded, I likely have fewer nerves per area of skin. My husband can touch me on the belly and if I don’t see it I won’t even know. One of the more common symptoms is an itchy belly (which I also have sometimes). I wonder if this is due to stretching, muscles getting ready for labour, or my brain’s way of filling in the sensation that I’m missing from that area being mostly numb. Either way, it’s definitely weird.

And lastly, I have grown a thin layer of dark hair all over my belly, a little bit on my chest, and I have long thick peach fuzz below my ears and down my neck and jaw a bit. While most people who are pregnant are disappointed, embarrassed, or weirded out by this, I love it. Unless I take testosterone in the future, this is likely the only time I will have belly, chest, and (kind of) facial hair. Unfortunately, people have said it goes away soon after pregnancy is done. This is one pregnancy symptom I wouldn’t mind keeping.

Are there any other weird pregnancy symptoms you’ve heard of or experienced? Did they interact with your gender at all? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

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Why Using AMAB and AFAB is Problematic

I have used AMAB (assigned male at birth) and AFAB (assigned female at birth) many times since I started this blog. But I recently heard an argument against using these terms that I think is worth sharing.

Though the terminology of ‘assigned at birth’ is better than ‘biological sex’ or simply ‘sex’, it doesn’t change the fact that these are still broad categories based on sex-at-birth characteristics. I often use these terms as a general reference to ‘people who grew up being read as female due to an estrogen-based puberty’ and ‘people who grew up being read as male due to a testosterone-based puberty’. But this still makes the assumption that someone’s sex assigned at birth will determine the type of puberty they have, the characteristics and functions of their body, how they are socialized, and how they are read by society. Boiling all of that down to someones’s sex assignment is limiting, unhelpfully broad, and extremely exclusionary to intersex people.

I am trying to replace my use of these terms with more specific references. Here are some examples.

  • People who were raised female/male
  • People who menstruate/don’t menstruate
  • People with uteruses and/or vaginas
  • People who produce sperm
  • People with penises
  • People who lactate
  • People with facial hair
  • People with dysphoria due to a rounded chest
  • People who are assumed to be female/male
  • People with a low voice (bass/baritone range)
  • People with a high voice (soprano range)
  • People who are trying to masculinize their appearance/presentation
  • People who are trying to feminize their appearance/presentation

In almost any instance where I would normally use the shorthand of AFAB or AMAB there is a better phrase that is more specific to the context that I am referring to and therefore the people who might share this experience. It may use more words to say it but it ends up being more inclusive, more specific, and much more easily understood by a wider range of people.

Using more descriptive phrases relates our gender to our experiences, not to our sex assignment at birth or the gender that society assigns to our body. You avoid the constant reminder that society got it wrong (and often continues to get it wrong). Many people who would be turned off by that reminder would have no problem engaging in discussion when they are referred to using one of the alternative phrases above.

These descriptive phrases are also more inclusive of nonbinary people who may not share all the same desires, types of dysphoria, and presentation preferences as binary trans folks. If referring to AMAB trans people with the assumption that they share the experience of attempting to feminize their appearance in various ways, this could be frustrating and exclusionary of intersex and nonbinary people.

So next time you go to use the acronym AMAB or AFAB, try replacing it with a more specific and descriptive phrase. I know I will. Since I started trying to do this, there haven’t been any instances where I felt like the acronyms worked better.

What is your experience with these acronyms? Do they rub you the wrong way or not bother you at all? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!

RELATED POSTS

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Staying Positive

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard no matter what your experience is. You want it to be over but you’re nervous about the birthing process and having to care for the little being on the outside. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration, discomfort, and anxiety, especially when dysphoria is thrown into the mix. So I’ve been asking myself a couple questions to keep myself focused on the positive and excited for the future. The answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Here are a few of my responses.

What am I going to miss about being pregnant (that I want to be fully present for while it’s still happening)?

  • Feeling the baby move
  • Feeling baby hiccups
  • Having a strong, visceral, automatic bond with this being
  • Being able to keep the baby fed, clean, and protected with my body
  • The extra fuzz around my face and hair on my belly and chest
  • The tenting effect of a shirt stretched out over my belly that hides my chest
    • Also my chest feeling smaller in comparison to my much larger belly

What am I looking forward to once I’m not pregnant (not related to the baby because who knows what that will be like, just for myself)?

  • Wearing my wedding ring
  • Sleeping in any position
  • Less pain, allowing me to walk without a cane or walker
    • Especially going for walks in nature with my husband and dog
  • Wearing my favourite clothes, especially underwear
  • Wearing a binder (eventually)
  • No more heartburn!

The other way to stay positive that works well for me is having a few key phrases that help me stay engaged and motivated despite constantly feeling uncomfortable. Again, these are very individual. What is helpful to me may not be to someone else but here are a few of the ones I’ve been using.

  • I am nonbinary, therefore my body is nonbinary, therefore my experience of pregnancy, birthing, and parenting is a nonbinary experience.
  • Stay cool and hydrated.
  • Rest when you need to but don’t give up on getting things done. Try again later or find a different way to do it.
  • Give the pets lots of attention and enjoy their cuddles.
  • Take it one day, one week at a time.
  • Every move the baby makes, no matter how uncomfortable, heavy, or nauseating, is a sign that they’re doing well.
  • Your body is capable of amazing things. Listen to what it’s telling you and believe in the wisdom it holds.

I hope this focus on positivity, excitement, and empowerment helps you find ways to strengthen those emotions for yourself as well. Hang in there. The world is a crazy place whether there are big changes in your near future or not.

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