Month: December 2020

How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking

The majority of the world’s cultures are structured around the gender binary – male and female. Everyone who grows up in these cultures is automatically trained to see everything around them through the lens of the gender binary. We are trained to associate almost everything around us with gender. Similar to prescribing human traits to animals, a lot of these associations are fake.

Even when we ascribe gender to a person, it is often based on many aspects that, while related to gender, are not synonymous with gender. As a nonbinary person, this leaves little space for me to exist unless I constantly fight for it. So I’d like to share some strategies you can use to reprogram yourself away from seeing the world through the lens of the gender binary and build yourself a new, clearer lens that is at least gender neutral, if not gender expansive.

GENDER ISN’T BINARY, AND NEITHER IS SEX

The first step is to recognize that gender isn’t binary. Often people assume it is because we base gender on sex when a baby is born and we see sex as binary. But, as it turns out, sex isn’t binary either. Sex is made up of many factors including chromosomes, hormones, hormone receptors, gene expression, internal and external genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics.

Some of these can be tested for, some of these are known from birth, but some of these fluctuate throughout life, especially during puberty. Often, if someone has external genitalia that we have ascribed to a binary sex, that is the category they are assigned to. If they have other aspects that don’t match that category, they may not find out until puberty, or through fertility testing, or even later.

So no, gender isn’t binary, and neither is sex.

DICONNECT BODIES FROM GENDER

If gender and sex are separate traits, then our gender is not based on our body. Our gender is in our heart and our mind. So no matter what body I have, for me it is a nonbinary body. All parts of this body are nonbinary. Even parts that are typically used to determine a person’s sex. Because I am nonbinary, those parts of my body are also nonbinary. So why assign a gender to any part of anyone’s body that isn’t their own gender?

This takes a little more work, but try to disconnect bodies from gender. Especially genitalia and secondary sex characteristics. Anyone of any gender can inhabit those bodies and anyone of any gender can have any physical characteristics.

DICONNECT GENDER FROM CLOTHING AND OTHER PRODUCTS

The commercial industry would have us believe that certain clothes are for certain genders. Almost every product aisle has separate products for men and women. This, too, is fake. Buy whatever clothes suit you, feel good, and look the way you want to look. Wear whatever colours you want to wear. Use whatever shampoo and razor you want to use. Read whatever books you want to read.

Better yet, when you see someone else wearing certain clothes, colours, or jewelry, don’t assume their gender as a result. Don’t give into the training of the commercial industry!

DICONNECT GENDER FROM PERSONALITY TRAITS AND INTERESTS

The differences between boys and girls has been widely studied. It can be speculated how much of this is nature vs nurture but it is impossible to disconnect a child from the environment they are raised in. If society teaches us that boys are energetic and rough and girls are quieter and more social, then we will subconsciously train children to act that way. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyone can have any personality traits and interests. There are no traits that are strictly male or female traits (again, what about nonbinary people?). So next time someone has a particular interest or acts in a way you’re not expecting, check your expectation. Was it based on their gender? Would you have had the same surprised reaction if they acted in a way that you felt ‘conformed with their gender’? Try to train yourself away from assigning gender to personality traits or associating certain interests and traits with certain genders.

GENDERING STRANGERS

So if you’re not supposed to assume someone’s gender based on their physical traits, their clothing and presentation, or their behaviour and interests, how are you supposed to address them?

As it turns out, you don’t need to know someone’s gender to interact with them. You can refer to anyone using they/them pronouns until their gender is specified to you. This isn’t to say you are assuming everyone is nonbinary. You are using the neutral pronoun of they/them as a place holder. And if it turns out they use they/them pronouns, you’ll have been gendering them correctly the whole time.

This takes practice and requires the use of other neutral language such as person, customer, participants, attendees, friends, folks, or y’all. If you want to point out someone specific who’s gender you don’t know yet, use a physical description such as ‘that person in the yellow skirt’ or ‘the person in the Blue Jays cap’. Try to avoid ‘that woman in the yellow skirt’ or ‘that boy in the Blue Jays cap’. Unless you know this person and their gender, those are the gendered assumptions you have been trained to make that are unnecessary.

RECOGNIZE WHEN NONBINARY PEOPLE ARE EXCLUDED

Often, when referring to a group of people, the genders within the group are specified as men and women – ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads. Nonbinary people are often left out due to lack of reference and lack of awareness. Again, this means we are forced to make space for ourselves in a way that binary-gendered people are not.

Try to recognize these times when gendered language is being used and is nonbinary people. It is easier to recognize when others do it but eventually the goal is to recognize when you do it yourself and correct your use of language to be more inclusive and less binary.

Some of the ways this happens are more insidious. Research is often conducted on ‘men and women’ or sometimes, just men. It is assumed that everyone is cisgendered and binary gendered. Very little research includes a broad enough definition of gender to include nonbinary people. So when you hear a fact that is based on research, assume that it was conducted based on the gender binary unless otherwise specified.

Health care systems are based entirely on the gender binary. Legal systems including prisons and, until recently, legal documentation, are also based on the gender binary. The more you recognize this, the easier it will be to maintain your newly found gender neutral or gender expansive lens while engaging with these environments. If you are in a position to help correct this, please please do. Even if it is just at a local level.

Until you are aware of how and when nonbinary people are excluded, you will likely fall in line with the gender binary assumptions in these situations without realizing it, even if you are pretty good at maintaining a neutral and inclusive lens at other times.

IT TAKES PRACTICE!

Don’t be hard on yourself if this is a struggle at the beginning. It takes a while to realize how much of our daily experience we associate with gender when it really has nothing to do with gender. At some point you will be good at recognizing these situations but not yet be good at correcting your own thinking or language and you will feel overwhelmed. That’s ok! You are making progress! Keep practicing!

It helps if others around you are also trying to change their perspective on gender so that you can help correct each other and have someone to discuss specific assumptions with.

Reprogramming your brain takes time, energy, and practice! I am still working on this myself. The more people that do this, the safer and more welcoming the world will become for me and other nonbinary people. So I thank you in advance. Together, we can change the world.

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Gender Roles in the Family

As a queer family, gender roles don’t really exist. Traditionally, the man goes to work, earns the money, drives the car, does house and auto repairs, and plays sports with the kids. Traditionally, the woman stays home, takes care of the kids, keeps the house clean, does the shopping, and cooks meals. This is all based on societal norms that are harmful and unnecessary.

When I met my husband, we both identified as women. We fulfilled the roles that we were each suited to – my husband likes to cook and drive so that’s what he does. Because he cooks and drives, it’s easier for him to do the grocery shopping as well. We have pets and because my husband has asthma, I do the litter and vacuuming. We each do our own laundry.

Then my husband transitioned and now identifies as male. From the outside, we are assumed to be a cisgender heterosexual (cishet) couple. When we’re doing tasks that fall into the traditional gender role that an outsider would classify us as, I find myself slightly uncomfortable, like it’s suddenly harder to tell if we’re doing things that way because society expects us to or because it’s what we’re suited for.

Then throw a baby into the mix. The majority of baby care can be done by either of us and therefore, we split the tasks. When my husband is working, I’m taking care of the baby. When my husband gets home, he takes over for a bit so I can pump or cook dinner or do a workout or have a shower. On his days off, we trade baby care back and forth throughout the day depending on what is happening and what each of us wants to get done.

By not assuming tasks based on societal gender norms we end up filling roles that we are suited to and are more likely to enjoy. As a team, we become more resilient and more adaptable. All roles are up for negotiation and as situations change, the roles we fulfill can change too. For example, while I was pregnant, my husband cleaned the cats’ litter, despite the fact that he needed a mask and goggles to do it without having an allergic reaction. As soon as I could, I took over again, not because I’m expected to, but because my system can tolerate it better.

How do you determine who performs which roles in your family? Is it by suitability and interest, what you were trained to do as a child, or societal expectation? Leave me a comment below and tell me how your familial roles work!

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Making Sense of Myself by Writing Poetry

Back in 2008, a few years after my initial gender questioning experience but many years before I actually figured out my gender or heard the term ‘nonbinary’, I wrote a poem for an LGBT publication at my university. I was going through boxes of notebooks and found the one I had written it in. Reading through it, I found it incredible how accurate it still feels. I don’t even think it was chosen for the publication but it means a whole lot to me so I thought I’d publish it here.

Both

Neither boy nor girl.
Not neither, both. 
Sometimes one more than the other, 
But always both. 

Gender is fluid, always changes.
It's not black and white, 
not static, 
not for me. 
Gender fluidity.

It's not visible like race. 
It's who I am and part of all I do. 
The way I walk,
the way I talk,
the way I punch your shoulder. 
The clothes I wear defy gender, do not conform,
instead show who I am. 
And the way I sit - have you not noticed?

Of course not. 
I use the women's washroom
(every time glancing at the men's sign).
I check the 'female' box on forms
(wishing it didn't matter).
It's in the language:
Masculine, feminine, he, she, him, her. 
It's defined, as it should be, 
as it needs to be,
for society. 
But not for me. 

I'm not butch, that's just an image. 
Don't call me a tomboy, that's just a name. 
I don't need a category, 
I don't want a label. 
I'm me and will forever be
neither boy nor girl. 
Not neither, both. 
Always both.

There are some parts of this that I’ve changed my perspective on or have a deeper understanding of. I now understand that race can be as invisible as gender, just as difficult to navigate as gender, and is absolutely as inherent to someone’s identity as their gender. I also do appreciate labels as a way to communicate who I am in a variety of ways depending on who I’m talking to and what the situation is. But the labels typically given to me by society feel just as wrong or irritating now as they did when I wrote this poem.

Even without accurate language to describe it, much understanding of it, or much experience exploring my own gender, I was still able to communicate the emotional experience of living as a nonbinary person in a binary-gendered society.

If you’re stuck on a strong emotion and keep going around in circles no matter who you talk to or what advice you hear, try writing it down as a poem. I have relied on this as a tool of expression, communication, and self-discovery many times over the years all the way from elementary school into adulthood. Even if you’re not the poetry type, or don’t think you’re good with words, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be eloquent. If you start from a place of strong emotion and use words that represent that emotion and the experience that triggered it or what it feels like to sit with it, you may be surprised how powerful your words can be.

Give it a try and, if you’d like to share, post your poem in the comments or send it to me in an email. I’d love to read it.

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Goal Setting 2021

If the year 2020 taught us anything, it was that anything can happen and we need to be flexible in order to survive. One of the ways I failed in this was when I set my goals for 2020.

Every year in December I set up my bullet journal for the next year. This includes writing down my goals and deciding how I’m going to track them. Having goals that work for me helps me keep my sense of progress and growth. The act of goal setting forces me to decide what I feel is most important to focus on. And having a way to track my goals and a timeline for when I’ll check back keeps me accountable and shows me concretely how I’m doing.

Last year I picked five goals for the year and broke them down into four parts, one for each quarter of the year. I planned to update the tracker at each quarter to see how I’m doing but life got in the way in a big way. Three out of five of my goals were no longer feasible after the first quarter and another by the end of the second quarter.

So this year I’m picking three goals and only writing them out for the first quarter. At the end of the quarter I’ll revisit my goals and if they’re still accurate, I’ll write them out again for the next quarter which will reinforce my commitment. If not, I have space to adjust the intensity of the goal or pick an entirely new goal.

I’ve tried a number of different goal setting strategies and found one that I like the best. It includes five sections: topic, goal, why, how, and tracking. Here’s what goes into each section:

Topic

This the area of your life that the goal relates to. Ideally, each goal should relate to a different area of your life so that if one area is greatly affected or changed, you won’t lose all your goals; the goals from the other areas of your life sill hopefully still work for you. Examples: Health, Creativity, Work, House, Money, School, Fitness, Sport, Relationship.

Goal

What exactly do you want to accomplish? Is it a finite goal (finish something, achieve a certain level or score) or habitual (complete an activity a certain number of times each day, week, or month)? State the goal and the target. Chose things that you have control over. Examples of finite goals: Finish my novel, run 5K without stopping, save $12,000. Examples of habitual goals: Exercise 3 times/week, write in my journal every day, vacuum the house every week.

Why

Why is the goal important to you? What will you gain by having it as your focus? What benefit will you notice from completing it regularly? Write a list of the top 3-5 benefits that are most important or the strongest motivators for you. Examples: More energy, less stress, clearer mind, financial stability.

How

How will you accomplish this goal? How will you keep up your motivation or find the time you need? Who will you need to coordinate with? If you respond well to rewards, how will you reward yourself? What other habits will support this goal? Examples: Get dressed in running clothes before breakfast, write for 30 minutes before work, plan housework into weekly schedule.

Tracking

How will you measure your ongoing progress? Will you keep track on a calendar, a spreadsheet, or right next to where you’re writing out your goals? Will you use stickers, check marks, or colouring something in? Is the completion of each milestone a yes/no or are there levels in between? For finite goals, I like to break them down into weekly targets but if biweekly or monthly works better for you, use that. Habitual goals are easier – if it’s daily, track daily, if its weekly, track weekly, etc.

I can’t stress how important it is to track your progress towards a goal on a regular basis. Seeing good progress can be motivating. Being aware of poor progress quickly allows you to adjust your strategy, build in new habits, or redouble your commitment to your goal. There’s nothing worse than getting to the end of the goal period and having to do a bunch of work to find out if you have accomplished your goal only to realize you didn’t keep track of some key information.

I hope this helps you set motivating goals that are important to you and help you maintain a sense of progress and growth in your life. Share your goals in the comments below! Or if you have a completely different goal setting strategy that works for you, I’d love to hear it. Send me an email or share it in the comments!

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