Month: July 2020

Contextual Voice Dysphoria

Note: I refer to gender based vocal pitch ranges throughout this post. All ranges are based on cis averages used in vocal pitch analyzer apps and choral voice ranges. This is not my preferred way to talk about it and I wish I had better language to use that was not cis-normative but for ease of communication I have stuck with this phrasing.

Most of the time, I like my voice. It generally sits in a mid to low female range but I can easily push it to an androgynous range on days that I feel more male. The natural speaking range of my voice has lowered since my husband transitioned. As his voice dropped from Testosterone, mine sounded higher in comparison and I had more and more days where I consciously lowered the range I was using. Now it’s fairly natural in that range and doesn’t bother me very often.

However, there are certain situations where I raise the pitch of my voice intentionally or unintentionally. Some of these situations that I’ve noticed are:

  • To be heard in a loud, echoing environment
  • To be heard through a quiet microphone or speaker like at a drive through or over zoom
  • When speaking fast and trying to articulate clearly at the same time
  • To sound as non-threatening as possible
  • When talking to pets, babies, or kids

The recent context of my job has involved many of these situations and I have noticed an increase in dysphoria and voice awareness as a result. I also had a sick pet recently and noticed that my voice was higher when I was talking to him in a calming sympathetic way and it really started to irritate me.

So I’ve been wondering: Why do we do this? Do we have to or is it just a habit? Do higher voices actually put people, pets, and kids more at ease? Or is it just playing into stereotypes associated with femininity and masculinity via female vs male vocal range (which is a cis-based average to begin with)? Can’t I come across as calming and sympathetic while speaking in a lower range?

Regardless of why or whether I have to or not, I’m trying to listen to my dysphoria and train myself out of the automatic increased-pitch reaction to certain situations. I’m worried that once I have a baby (only six weeks to go now!), if I’m constantly talking to them with a higher voice and triggering my dysphoria, I will begin to associate the dysphoria with those interactions and it will negatively affect my relationship with my kid and my overall mental health. Hopefully it will just take practice to train myself that it’s fine to talk to the baby in my lower vocal range and be just as soothing.

Have you had this experience? Do you raise or lower the pitch of your voice based on context? Does it trigger any internal discomfort (dysphoria or otherwise) for you? Are you trying to train yourself out of this habit or does the versatility work for you?

Leave me a comment below and let me know your thoughts and experiences!

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Passing vs Presenting vs Assumed

PASSING

The concept of ‘passing’ is talked about often in the trans community. It refers to the ability to go about your life without being identified as trans. Passing as binary cis. It can come with a lot of judgement when someone ‘isn’t passing well enough’, even from within the community. But more importantly, not being able to ‘pass’ can be a big safety risk in a lot of areas. Because of this, many trans people are trying to pass as cis or live their life in ‘stealth’ mode. But many can’t for a variety of reasons, including having a nonbinary identity (see my post Passing as Nonbinary).

The idea of passing has been construed as trans people trying to hide, trying to be cis because that is the ideal, or trying to trick cis people into thinking they’re cis. I definitely don’t agree with the second two and if the first one is true, it would be because to not hide would be unsafe or make life significantly harder.

PRESENTING

For the majority of trans people, especially nonbinary people, passing is not necessarily a goal. We just want to live our lives, be who we are, and not get harassed for it. So the term ‘presenting’ seems more accurate. We choose to present masculine, feminine, androgynous, or a combination of these. Presenting implies that it is still our choice but it is a purposeful one, to be seen authentically rather than to hide. It has less comparison to cis ‘ideals’ and more options than the two binary ones.

ASSUMED

When we talk about passing we often refer to ‘passing privilege’ or the safety and ease that comes with being ‘read’ as a binary cis person. Swapping out ‘presenting’ for ‘passing’ doesn’t really work in this context. But using ‘passing’ implies that the trans person has control over this privilege when really it is society and the people around them that are providing or taking away that privilege, sometimes without warning (thus the safety risk). For this reason, I think the term ‘assumed’ is more accurate.

For the most part, people around me assume I am female because of my body, voice, name, and ID. They are ‘assuming’ I’m a cis female. I present fairly androgynous with short hair, masculine clothing, occasionally a binder on but usually a sports bra, no facial hair, an androgynous range voice, and a fairly small soft face. They are taking all these clues and categorizing me as either male or female. Most often, it’s female. Very occasionally, its male. It is never as nonbinary.

I am not trying to ‘pass’ as female. Nor am I trying to present as female. But I am most definitely ‘assumed female’. This does give me a certain amount of privilege but also adds significantly to my discomfort, mainly in the form of social dysphoria. So when we talk about this type of privilege, I think we should say ‘assumed privilege’ rather than ‘passing privilege’. I am not the one seeking out or achieving this type of privilege. It is being given to me (or not) in an uncomfortable way by those around me.

Really, if I could be ‘assumed nonbinary’, I would consider that to be a much bigger privilege and a sign that society was heading in the right direction.

CAVEAT

The terminology of ‘passing’ is also used in the context of ‘white-passing privilege’. As a white person, it is not my place to speak to whether the shift to ‘assumed’ instead of ‘passing’ also applies in this context. Please leave a comment if you are BIPOC and can speak to this as a possible paradigm shift!

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What Makes a Family?

Lots of people talk about having a kid as ‘starting a family’. This rubs me the wrong way. For me, choosing to commit to a long term relationship with my husband was when we started our family. We got married as a symbol of that commitment but our family was started even before marriage. Having a child is an expansion of that family, not the start of it.

I think my definition or experience of family is particularly common in the queer community. One of the queer community slogans that I grew up hearing is ‘Love makes a family’. I think this partly is to say that it doesn’t take a man and a woman to make a family, but simply two (or more) people who are in love. It also relates to being rejected by biological family due to being queer and finding new family within the queer community who love and support you – your chosen family.

So why is having a baby referred to as ‘starting a family’? Is this a cisgender, heteronormative concept? Do people feel like their lives aren’t full enough as simply a couple and therefore their family isn’t complete or even formed until they have kids? I think this distinction matters and can have a big influence on how we view our relationships with our partners and the impact of having kids.

If you see having a kid as being the start of your family, the kid takes the position of being the glue that holds the family together. Without the kid, there is no family. I think this really devalues your relationship with your partner (who’s love, ideally, is what made you want to have a kid in the first place). This also devalues family units that don’t include children in society at large, increasing the stigma and shame for people who struggle with infertility, do not have the resources to access medical or social systems that would allow them to have kids, or simply chose not to have kids.

If you see your family as starting from when you make a commitment to your partner, it follows that you will need to cherish and nurture that relationship as being at the core of the family. You will value the time you had together before having a baby as well as the times you spend together away from the kid after they’re born as quality family time.

Am I missing something? Is there a positive spin to the concept of having a kid as ‘starting a family’? If you have a different perspective, I’d love to hear it. Leave a comment below or send me an email!

For now, I’m going to stick with Jake and I being a family unit that is soon to be expanding with the addition of a kid.

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Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology

NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN

Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman.

I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. Some push back against it and some embrace it. I also know that pregnancy, birthing, and breastfeeding have been seen as traditional components of womanhood and there is a lot of push back against people who don’t identify as women claiming these experiences. There is also push back against people who identify as women not wanting to have these experiences and shame/stigma experienced by women who would like to have these experiences but are unable to for whatever reason.

I can’t fight against all these types of social marginalization, discrimination, and stigma in one post. I personally don’t see any of those judgments or identity based limitations as necessary, meaningful, or helpful. Everyone should be allowed to experience whatever aspects of childbearing, child caring, and child rearing they want and if they are unable to we should support them with community rather than shaming them. Regardless, I wanted to share my own personal experiences with this and some recommendations that might help others in the future.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Being pregnant and preparing for a baby requires consuming a huge amount of information and resources, most of which is presented as female-centric. I constantly have to filter out the language in order to apply this information to myself which is exhausting.

It is often hard to tell why I am uncomfortable with the information I’m consuming. Is it because it is all new, different, and overwhelming as anyone preparing for their first child can attest? Is it because picturing myself in that scenario triggers dysphoria which may mean I will need/want to avoid that situation or have a dysphoria management strategy in place? Or is it because the information is presented using language that is triggering dysphoria as I read it?

This makes it extra difficult to know what aspects of birthing and baby care will be more or less difficult for me gender-wise and how to prepare without stressing myself out about things that will be completely fine in the moment.

In order to sort through these reactions, I have joined trans/nonbinary support groups so I can see if I am equally as uncomfortable, anxious, or dyphoric when discussing the same topics with people who share my experiences and use affirming language. I also talk to my therapist and will have appointments scheduled for postpartum as well (highly recommend this for anyone able to access this service). Lastly, I have found The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin to be an invaluable source of balanced information presented almost entirely using gender neutral language.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND RESOURCES

Below is a table of some of the terminology that I have come across and some gender neutral or inclusive alternatives. I hope this helps steer resources and practitioners in a more trans inclusive direction.

Traditional LanguageTrans Inclusive Language
Pregnant women/womanPregnant people/person
Gestating people/person
Mother, mom, mommyParent
Gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Woman in labourPerson in labour
Labouring person
Birthing person
Father, dad, daddyParent, partner, co-parent
Support person
Non-gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Nursing Lactating
Feeding
Bodyfeeding
BreastfeedingChestfeeding
Breast/chestfeeding
Bodyfeeding
Breast milkHuman milk
Expressed milk

Please Note: I paired ‘Gestational parent’ with ‘Mother’ because traditionally, anyone gestating is labeled ‘Mother’ and resources that refer to the ‘Mother’ are often for gestating people in general. Some gestating people are men and will use the term ‘Father’ or other typically male parental term. Similarly, not all ‘Fathers’ are ‘Non-gestational parents’ – they might be the one who gestated the child! But traditional resources referring to the ‘Father’ often mean ‘Non-gestating parent’ or even just ‘Support person’.

The goal is to say what you mean. Do you mean ‘pregnant women’ specifically ie are you referring to a difference of experience between pregnant women and pregnant people of other gender identities? Or do you really mean ‘pregnant people’? Being inclusive isn’t difficult or mysterious. But it does require awareness of the breadth of identities and experiences and self awareness to say what you actually mean.

In addition to using trans-inclusive language, a basic understanding of what dysphoria is and how trans people who are pregnant, birthing, or postpartum may experience dysphoria is necessary for providing trans-inclusive care. Every trans person experiences dysphoria differently and will manage it differently. Knowing how to have those conversations with the gestating trans person in your life will make you a much better support person. As a support person, you are not responsible for identifying or managing their dysphoria for them. Simply knowing how to ask about it, being familiar with the language and experiences, will give them space to discuss it with someone who is showing care and support. Trust me, it makes a big difference.

If you are a birth worker (medically trained or not), here are some other resources that will help point you in the right direction:

  • Inclusive lactation style guide from International Lactation Consultant Association and why it matters
  • Gender Inclusive Language examples from Trans Care BC
  • Moss Froom: Trans & Queer Centered Doula & Childbirth Educator
  • Jenna Brown: Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth LLC
  • The Birth Partner, 5th Ed by Penny Simkin (also very good resource for gestating and birthing people and their supporters)

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