Tag: Presentation

How I Respond When Strangers Gender My Child

MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY CHILD’S GENDER PRESENTATION

When we’re going out for a walk, to a park, or to a grocery store, I have to decide what my child is going to wear. When I choose my own clothes, it is often based on gender related factors – dysphoria and euphoria, how I want my gender to be viewed by others, safety – and of course, the weather. But my goal is to provide my child with a wide variety of gender related experiences. This includes styles and colours of clothing.

Sometimes I’ll pick a well coordinated cute outfit that looks cute because it all matches and not care about the gendered component. Sometimes I’ll specifically pick an outfit that is white and pink and purple and teal. Sometimes I’ll pick clothes that are red and black and navy blue. More often, I’ll pick a mix of things – a pink top with navy blue pants and red dinosaur socks. Or a blue and yellow striped top, jeans, and pink unicorn socks.

I try to pick clothes based on what I like and the experience I want to give my child. But I am also aware that the clothes my child is wearing is the main way strangers will determine my child’s gender. Other than their clothes and accessories (hair clips, bows, toys, lunchbox, backpack, etc) children appear fairly gender neutral. I have fun using my child’s clothing to test and/or mess with strangers’ perceptions of my child’s gender (or really, since they haven’t developed a gender identity yet, their sex).

THE DREADED QUESTION

Some strangers are bold enough to ask if my child is a boy or a girl. I know this is often coming from a place of wanting to be respectful during our interaction and use the correct pronouns.

I hate this question.

As a nonbinary person, I find it frustrating, othering, and triggering. It often makes me freeze. I am stuck between the place of wanting to educate/counteract the stranger’s binary assumptions, honour our experiences as a gender creative family, and avoid conflict by providing an easy answer.

I would love to say “It doesn’t matter. Any pronouns are fine.” Of the many times I have been posed this question, I have only been able to make myself use this answer a couple times. Most often, I cave and say the gender that matches my child’s sex assigned at birth. I hate that my child hears me assign them a gender in answer to this question. This factor will become more important to me as my child gets older and may help me stick with my preferred, open ended answer.

But what if they don’t ask? What if they assume? That’s where it gets interesting.

WHEN STRANGERS ASSIGN MY CHILD A GENDER

Because of how I dress my child, and possibly because they have thick curly/wavy light brown/blonde hair, strangers choose to refer to my child as a girl or a boy in approximately equal amounts. I find this fascinating.

What’s even more interesting is that the gender they choose to assign my child doesn’t always match the societal gender norms based on the clothes I chose that day. I’ve had people assume my child is a girl when they’re wearing black, blue, and red. Less often, but still once or twice, I’ve had strangers assume my child is a boy when they’re wearing white, pink, and purple with lace or ruffles.

In no way do I think that certain colours or clothing styles are ‘girl’ clothes or ‘boy’ clothes. In fact, my whole parenting strategy around clothes and gender is an attempt to teach my child that this is not the case. But I am very much aware that people use these as gender related signals.

So when strangers assign my child a gender, what does that say about my child, or my decisions around what they wear? Absolutely nothing. It is a reflection of the stranger’s biases, stereotypes, and assumptions. Some people heavily gender strangers based on their clothing. Some people gender strangers based on their hair style or facial features, or any other numerous factors.

The funny thing to me is that the majority of these ‘gendered’ signals aren’t present in babies and young children. Yet the majority of people still look for them and make an assumption based on the limited information the parents have given them via the child’s clothing, hairstyle, and accessories. The need to assign a gender is so strong that most people will try to do it despite having limited and even conflicting information. The alternative – to not know a child’s gender – is so far outside their awareness as being an option that their brain doesn’t even consider it as a fallback plan.

TO CORRECT THEM OR NOT, THAT IS THE QUESTION

When strangers gender my child using pronouns that are associated with their sex assigned at birth, I usually go with it. This is how our child is most often gendered at home and at daycare. We are trying to provide gendered experiences from a wide range regardless of their sex assignment but we have still chosen to use binary gendered pronouns for the most part. As stated above, I often dress my child in a variety of colours and styles of clothing so I usually find it interesting and wonder what about my child’s presentation lead them in that direction.

When strangers gender my child using the binary pronouns that are not typically associated with their sex assigned at birth, more thoughts go through my head. I still find it interesting and wonder what lead them to that assumption. Then I wonder ‘Should I correct them?’ If I do, this will challenge the stranger’s connections between my child’s presentation and their gender. But it will also model to my child that their gender is supposed to match their sex assigned at birth. This is a transphobic belief and not one I want to reinforce for my child. If I don’t correct them, the stranger gets to keep their assumptions around presentation and gender in tact (unfortunately) but my child gets a more gender expansive experience of getting to see how it feels being referred to using different pronouns.

So far, I err on the side of ‘go with the flow’, avoid conflict, and provide my child with a more interesting gender experience. After all, my child’s experience is more important than expanding a stranger’s mind. However, as soon as my child expresses awareness of their own gender and a preference for a particular set of pronouns and language, I will be happily correcting strangers whenever they get it wrong.

How do you respond when someone genders your child, correctly or incorrectly? What tthoughts go through your head when deciding how to respond?

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Baby Clothes and Gender

Baby clothes are predominantly marketed as being for girls or boys. Even though the babies that wear them are too young to have any concept of gender. Even though clothing isn’t inherently gendered. The only reason for this is so that families that have a second child of a different sex than the first have to buy a whole new set of clothes.

Society has bought into this idea so strongly that a baby’s clothing is often used to indicate their ‘gender’.

This is not something I agree with. I don’t think clothing is inherently gendered. I don’t think we should restrict a child’s clothing based on their sex assigned at birth. And I don’t think clothing is an appropriate way to indicate gender. My goal as a parent is to provide my child with a wide range of clothes, toys, and experiences from all areas of the socially defined gender categories.

We got most of our clothing second hand in one big batch from one family. At the time, they were getting rid of 0-6 month old clothes that were predominantly pink and styled as ‘girl’s clothes’ and 6-12 month old clothes that were predominantly blue and styled as ‘boy’s clothes’. We were given a bunch of neutral and boy style newborn sized clothes so that expanded the range of clothing for the first little while. But since they outgrew the first sizes, we have been predominantly dressing them in ‘boys’ clothes (because that’s what we have).

This has gone against my gender-free/gender-full parenting wishes so I intentionally went shopping for clothes that would fit my baby that were pink and purple, or had flowers and butterflies, or were otherwise more on the ‘girl’ side of the clothing spectrum. I love seeing a variety of clothing in the drawer to choose from.

When I dress my baby to go out for a walk or visit with family, I am conscious of what clothing I put them in and what assumptions people will make or associations people will have as a result. Despite the fact that I don’t feel that clothing has a gender and I don’t think clothing should indicate gender, I’m also aware that the majority of people do hold these beliefs. This forces me to consider the ‘gender’ associated with the clothing I am choosing for my child. And then I find myself thinking of pink as girly and a blue football motif as boyish.

I’m constantly playing this tug of war with myself. I don’t want to think of clothing as gendered. I put my baby in whatever clothes I want the majority of the time. I mix and match and alternate but this gendered thinking still creeps in. I have to constantly remind myself to think of clothing as different styles, colours, and patterns, not different genders.

I also think about what clothes my baby was wearing the last time they visited with a particular person and try to pick something contrasting the next time. Again, I have to remind myself, not something of a different gender, something with a different colour, pattern, or style.

Because, ultimately, baby clothes are not only for the baby, but also for the adults they are interacting with. And by influencing the adults around my baby in subtle ways, I can hopefully maintain a more gender creative and inclusive environment with fewer overt and potentially confrontational conversations.

The internal struggle against gendered thinking is constant. But when I feel the binary veil lift and I can see my baby for who they are as a giggling, food-loving, good-sleeping, commando-crawling 8 month old, I feel more connected and at ease in my role as a parent.

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Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)

INTERESTS AND CAREERS ARE FOR EVERYONE

I think you’re getting the picture by now. This categorization of clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, and just about every consumer item also gets applied to activities and careers. Many cis people fight against this with varying levels of difficulty. But many people are unaware that they have been guided towards some interests and away from others.

Many trans people transition while in the work force and either start out as the odd one out or become the odd one out in their field. Only after transitioning do they realize how hard it was to swim against the current or how much harder it is now that they have to.

The extra effort it takes to do something we love, either for fun or for work, when it is not something that our gender category should be good at or interested in is unnecessary but very real. Sometimes it is subtle – confused or disparaging looks from friends and family when you talk about it or messaging that is always aimed at the other binary gender category. Sometimes it is overt – harassment, withdrawal of family support, lack of promotion, less pay, difficulty getting hired. These pressures are like the banks of a river, trying to keep us in line. But sometimes rivers chart a new course or spill over the bank.

Don’t let societal pressure stop you from doing something you love. Find the support of people who believe in you and other people in the same situation as you. Form your own group and keep going. (Caveat: if fighting this type of fight against the current is taking too much of a toll on you, don’t be afraid to step back. Find a different way to do what you love, even if it wasn’t plan A. Your mental health matters more than changing the system from the inside.)

MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY ARE FOR EVERYONE

What is masculinity? Write a list of what masculinity means to you. Now, beside each trait, write the name of a person who identifies as a woman who exemplifies that trait.

What is femininity? Write a list of what femininity means to you. Now, beside each trait, write the name of a person who identifies as a man who exemplifies that trait.

Masculinity and femininity do not equal male and female or man and woman. Anyone can embody traits that are deemed by society to be masculine or feminine and often we all do. If we question society’s categorization of these traits, we start to realize that the terms ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ lose their meaning. That is because they are arbitrary. Everyone’s definition of these terms is going to be different depending on their experiences.

Some traits that are deemed masculine are referred to with words that have a positive connotation when referring to a man with that trait and a negative connotation when referring to a woman with that trait. Managerial vs bossy for example. The same goes for feminine traits. A sensitive woman vs an emotional man. Be aware of how people are described and see if you notice this use of connotation to indicate a positive or negative value of their level of masculinity or femininity. Try describing the person using a word with a positive connotation and see how people respond.

List your own traits – personality, presentation, interests, etc. How many of them can you easily label as masculine and feminine? Did you write any using negative words? What category do those fall under? Can you find a word that means the same thing but with a positive connotation? (Think of applying that word to friend – how would you flip it?)

Masculinity and femininity are not specific to sex, gender, name, pronoun, race, social standing, or any other category. They are for everyone.

YOUR PRESENTATION IS YOURS TO PLAY WITH

If clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, interests, careers, and any other masculine or feminine (or androgynous) trait is available to everyone, that means you get to decide what you include in your presentation, regardless of consumer category. You can pick and choose whatever parts feel best for you on a given day.

Presenting in ways that defy consumer categories will attract more attention, often negative attention. Trans people are painfully aware of this. Before transitioning, they sometimes hide who they are and work hard to fit in with a presentation that is expected of them. Then, during their transition, they fight to present how they are most comfortable despite all the negative attention. After socially transitioning, they sometimes present in a way that matches a binary consumer category in order to avoid that same negative attention. It takes a lot of support, self-confidence, courage, and often privilege to be able to consistently defy consumer categories and present how you prefer.

If your preferred presentation matches pretty closely to one of the two consumer categories, you are lucky. But don’t let that stop you from finding the subtle ways that you butt up against the edge of your typical category or even cross the boundary into the other one. These are the aspects of yourself that tell you that you are being authentic, an individual, not a slave to binary gendered consumerism.

Go and be free! Consumer categories are irrelevant! Be who you are, present how you want to, defy expectations!

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Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)

CLOTHING IS FOR EVERYONE

Have you ever been shopping for clothes in the part of the store that is labeled with your gender and felt like nothing fits you or feels like the right style? Have you ever shopped for yourself in the other section of the store?

Because our society sees masculinity as the standard and femininity as a deviation that is only acceptable for specific people, I would guess that people who identify as or are assumed to be women are more likely to shop across consumer boundaries. It is less likely, and potentially dangerous, for people who are assumed to be men to shop in the section labeled ‘women’.

Trans people have to find ways around this in order to find clothes that feel good. They find a friend who is assumed to be the gender of the category they want to shop in who is the same size as they are and go shopping together. They pretend to be shopping for a partner or friend ‘who is the same size’. Or they go in a group so they are less likely to be harassed or have support from each other if they are harassed.

Clothes from different sections are shaped differently. Sometimes our bodies don’t match the shape that the consumer category says we should have. Sometimes our bodies are closer to the shape of the opposite consumer category. Or we prefer the style of the clothes from the other category but they don’t match the shape of our bodies. Many trans people learn how to alter their own clothes or find a friend from the community who will do it for them. Or pay to have alterations done.

Nonbinary people especially have free reign. There is no ‘nonbinary’ section of clothing stores. What would even go in that section? A little bit of everything? Next time you go clothes shopping, pretend you’re nonbinary if that helps you ignore the gendered categories on the signs.

You don’t have to compromise on clothes that are the right style just because the manufacturer decided that they were for a different body type than yours or a different gender. Find the clothes that feel good for you, alter them if you have to, and ignore the label above that section of the store.

ACCESSORIES AND MAKEUP ARE FOR EVERYONE

As with clothing, play around with accessories and makeup if you have never done it before. ‘Dainty’ jewelry isn’t only for ‘women’ and heavy, thick jewelry isn’t only for ‘men’. I have had to alter every watch band I’ve gotten in the last few years because the watch face I want only comes on a band that is too big for my wrist. As if no man could possibly have such a narrow wrist. Or no one with such a narrow wrist would choose to wear a large faced watch that doesn’t have sparkles on it.

If you like bright colours, try wearing nail polish if you never have before. Start with a clear coat that is nearly invisible to see how you feel about it. If the idea of makeup interests you, ignore what the consumer categories say about who it’s for and try a bit of eye shadow or lipstick. If you have a child who was assigned male at birth and you are raising as a boy, let him play with makeup and jewelry without shaming him.

Again, this sort of exploration is going to be more difficult for anyone assumed to be male or assigned male at birth who wants to explore things that are labeled ‘feminine’. They especially need lots of support, protection, and community. But that doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Just that society tries to convince us it’s wrong. Trans people know better.

TOYS ARE FOR EVERYONE

A lot of trans people remember wanting to play with specific toys as kids and being told no or even punished for it. The stupid thing is that toys are inert. They don’t have preferences. So why can’t any child play with any toy?

If you go into a toy store or the toy sections of a superstore you will see a pink aisle with dolls and ponies and unicorns and maybe some pink blocks and you will see another aisle with bold colours like blue, red, and black filled with all kinds of vehicles, tools, blocks, building sets, and first responders. This is completely unnecessary and is designed to get parents to buy more toys by making them feel like the toys for one child are not transferrable to a child of a different gender.

As adults, you see the same thing. Bikes are built differently with the assumption that women will be wearing skirts or dresses and will need to cross their leg over the bar instead of behind the seat. Anything that is labeled ‘masculine’ will only appeal to women if it is pastel coloured or sparkly. Anything labeled ‘feminine’ has to be rebranded entirely and labeled ‘masculine’ before it will appeal to men. No, the gendering of inanimate objects doesn’t end with kid’s toys.

Next time you go shopping for something fun for yourself, your partner, a friend, or your kids, ignore the categories. What is their favourite colour? What would they enjoy having? Think of them as an individual rather than a member of a gender category. If they are a man that has dry hands and enjoys gardening, get them a cream that has a scent that reminds you of their garden.

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

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Trans Wisdom: You Define Your Identity

YOUR IDENTITY IS YOUR OWN

In the first post in the Trans Wisdom series, I talked about how the bodies of trans people don’t determine their gender identities (or any other aspects of their identity) which means that is true for everyone. It is your choice to allow your body to inform your identity in whatever way makes sense to you. You have control over your own identity.

This is not only true for your relationship to your body. This is also true with respect to the roles you identify with in your life, your career and interests, your family history, your culture and race, your sexuality and sexual orientation, and your personal experiences. No matter how other people use this information to label you, interact with you, or connect with you, YOU are the only one who gets to decide how these inform who you are.

You also get to decide the balance of the different aspects of your identity. Is your role in your family the most important part of your identity, followed by your career, and then your culture and race? Or is how your career impacts who you are most important, followed by your personal experiences, and then your gender? Identity is like a 3D pie chart with blurry, overlapping lines between the sections and some sections that influence the whole thing but are only forefront a small part of the time.

Or maybe it’s more like a cloud, more ephemeral, and shifting over time.

IDENTITY CHANGES OVER TIME

Trans people go through a huge identity shift when they discover that their discomfort in their life has been related to gender. This can happen at any age but the longer they have lived as their gender they were assigned at birth, the larger the shift. Regardless, looking back over their life, they can say that their identity clearly has changed over time. In fact, this is true for most queer people.

Funnily enough, this is actually true for everyone. Anyone who has become a parent has experienced this shift in identity. Anyone who has changed careers, entered a committed relationship, experienced a health crisis, or lived through a global pandemic has experienced a shift in identity. Even something as simple as turning 18, learning how to drive, entering high school, or moving away from home cause a shift in our identity. We may not be aware of it at the time or feel like we have control over it but our identities shift as we adapt to new life circumstances.

You may not being able control the circumstances that influence these changes in your identity but you do have control over HOW your identity changes. How quickly do you adapt to the new circumstance? Is it a positive change or a negative one? Does it eclipse all other aspects of your identity, even for a short time, or simply become another component of who you are? Is this an aspect of yourself you will keep hidden or share openly with others?

If our identities change over time, why are sexual orientation and gender seen as constants? They are simply components of our identities and therefore are influenced by our experiences and circumstances just like anything else. I think everyone should feel free to explore their sexuality and gender at any point in their life and as often as they choose. Even if you conclude that nothing has changed, you may decide you feel like expressing some aspect of yourself differently or that it influences other aspects of your identity in a new way.

IDENTITIES ARE COMPLEX AND INTERSECTIONAL

As you can see from what I’ve said so far, and probably know from personal experience, no one is made up of only one component of their identity. And no aspect of our identities are the same for any two people because they are all influenced by every other part of who we are.

When someone is coming out as trans, they get the same reactions and get asked the same questions over and over. Because, historically, trans people have had to hide their identities and mainstream society is only just now becoming aware of this identity and experience, the story that gets told about trans people is a monolith. Anyone who doesn’t fit that story is either not recognized as being trans or labeled as an exception.

If every aspect of identity is variable between individuals, why do we assume that someone’s experience is the same as our own or the same as that one other person we know with that identity when they identify in a similar way? If our identities are complex and intersectional, so are everyone else’s. It takes time, patience, and open communication to learn where our experiences overlap and where they differ. Being open to this type of communication allows for authentic bonding over the similarities and learning and growing from the differences.

IDENTITIES ARE NOT CATEGORIES

In some settings (such as medical and legal forms) we have to check off boxes that relate to our identities. These boxes are for the sake of information gathering, not to be used as a guideline of how to interact with someone.

As a medical professional who has to read patients’ charts and then interact with those individuals, the image you get of a person from their chart is never accurate. It tells you nothing about their personality, attitudes, or cultural experiences. And a medical chart holds a ton of information. So why do we feel like we can judge someone based on their appearance? Or the awareness that they identify as trans? Or their identity as a man or woman?

No identity is a monolith. No identity should be treated as a category or a box. Masculinity, femininity, and androgyny belong to everyone. No two people’s experiences of parenthood are the same (though some will have more in common than others).

Which aspects of your identity do you feel confined by? Do you experience that aspect of your identity a certain way because that is the narrative you have always been told about how you should feel, act, or look? Can you find examples of people that share that same identity but embody or express it in a different way?

Your identity is your own. You get to determine what parts of your life inform your identity. You get to determine the balance of the different aspects of your identity. Your identity shifts over time. You can let those shifts happen based on outside influences, experiences, and circumstances, or be take an active role in deciding how those outside influences with impact your identity. Every aspect of your identity is influenced by all the others creating a complex, intersectional, and unique individual. If this is true for you, it is true for everyone else. No aspect of identity should be considered a monolith, a category, or independent of any other aspect.

Just for fun, try writing a list of the different components of your identity. Now re-order the list from most important to least important (or strongest influence on how you view yourself to least influence on how you view yourself). Are there other components that you remember used to be part of your identity but no longer are? Are there components that you anticipate will be part of your identity in the near future? Try this activity again in a couple weeks, or a month. Has the list or the order changed?

Leave a comment with the results of this activity! I’d love to hear what you learned.

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Trans Wisdom: Our Bodies Don’t Define Us

YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR GENDER. YOU DO.

Trans people learn very quickly that their body and all the assumptions that go along with it don’t define their gender. Whether the body they were born into feels wrong or not, their identity is separate.

If this is true for trans people, it is also true for cis people. Maybe you feel at home in your body and the gender you were assigned at birth. But is your experience of your gender based on your genitals? Is it solely made up of your secondary sex characteristics? Or is it more than that? Do you have an innate sense of being the gender you are? What aspects of your personality, behaviours, and presentation are related to your gender?

Once you learn how to think of your gender as more than various parts of your body, you also learn that you can choose how to express your gender. Do you wear the clothes you wear because they align with your gender and make you feel good or because it’s what society expects you to wear? Have you ever tried wearing clothes or jewelry that you think will make you uncomfortable? You never know! You might discover something you like even better than your original presentation.

YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR WORTH.

It goes beyond gender. Our bodies also don’t determine our worth. Regardless of your body type, ability, size, colour, or sex, we are all worthy of love and care. Society may not treat us that way, but we have to treat ourselves that way.

Trans people learn this throughout the difficult journey to self-acceptance. As we learn who we are and take steps to communicate it to others, we are faced with uncertainty, confusion, anger, fear, and even violence which are really easy to internalize. If we take steps to change our bodies to align more with our sense of who we are, we learn that though the change may alleviate some dysphoria and make it more comfortable to go about our daily lives, it does not automatically result in an increased sense of self-worth. This is something we have to consciously work on at every stage of our journey (and throughout life).

YOUR ABILITY TO REPRODUCE DOESN’T DEFINE YOUR GENDER.

The reproductive organs you possess and whether or not you are able to reproduce has no bearing on your gender. It may be a component of yourself and your experience that you choose to include as part of your gender identity but this does not mean that is true for everyone with a similar experience.

Trans men and nonbinary people who have uteruses can get pregnant and successfully birth a baby. Cis women who have had hysterectomies are no less women. Trans women who produce sperm are no less women. Cis men who do not produce sperm are no less men.

Your gender (and your worth) is not defined by the ways in which you can or cannot reproduce.

SOCIETY’S PERCEPTIONS DON’T HAVE TO BE YOUR PERCEPTIONS.

Trans people are assigned a gender by almost everyone they encounter. Often, this assumption is either entirely or partially incorrect. Having a trans identity is also perceived as wrong, unheard of, a burden, or inappropriately fascinating. It takes work to unlearn these perceptions and hold onto our own self-concept, even when we feel like no one else around us sees us for who we are.

Are you judged by society in a particular way because of an aspect of your body or appearance? How society perceives you does not have to dictate how you perceive yourself. It’s often hard to identify which perceptions we have internalized and constant work to fight against that perception internally but it is worth it.

SURGERY IS PART OF A PROCESS, NOT AN END GOAL.

Many trans people undergo one or more surgeries in their effort to align their body with their identity. Often, when they are looking forward to the upcoming surgery, they have the perception that once they have the surgery, everything will be better. They fall into a mode of waiting for the surgery and build high expectations of the positive impact of the results.

No matter what the surgery is, it is always a difficult experience. There is pain and healing. There are often activity restrictions and limitations, sometimes for months afterwards. Sometimes there are complications. And regardless of the outcome, it does not automatically change their self worth or self confidence. If they are lucky, there is a decrease in dysphoria but often, over time, the dysphoria will shift to another area of their body, or they will become more aware of the dysphoria once the other source has been relieved.

Trans people learn the hard way that surgery is part of the process, not an end goal. Whether you are undergoing surgery for cancer treatment, weight loss, pain relief, or transition, it is never the only component of the process and often isn’t even the component that makes the biggest difference. If there is something going on in your life that is big enough to require surgery, it is definitely big enough to have emotional components and other milestones that come before and after surgery. Try to keep it all in perspective while you work towards or recover from surgery. Don’t leave ‘the rest’, whatever that is, until after surgery. Work on everything else while you wait for surgery. You’ll be glad you did.

What are your experiences around how your body does or does not inform your gender or other aspects of your identity? What societal perceptions have you worked hard to unlearn? Leave a comment below with your story!

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Baby Haircuts and Gender

My baby was born with lots of hair. That was always the first thing people commented on. It was dark and long and made them look a bit like a hobbit. At first I loved it. It was cute and made them look like a mini toddler. But when they started squirming and rolling, the hair at the back became matted on a daily basis. Combing it either took over an hour or led to a lot of screaming. So we decided it was time for our baby’s first haircut.

As it turned out, the hair underneath was a lot lighter. The before and after pictures look like completely different babies. It took some getting used to. But it wasn’t just that they looked different. My perception of their gender was also different.

They suddenly looked like a boy.

My general feeling on this is ‘Ugh. Why does my brain have to gender my baby based on their hair?’ But of course, just because I’m nonbinary does not mean I’m immune to the gendered programming I am surrounded by and grew up with.

For me, haircuts are one of the biggest sources of gender euphoria I can reliably get on a semi-regular basis. This is because having my hair short helps me express my masculinity and helps me see my masculine side when I look in the mirror. But just because short hair feels masculinizing for me does not mean that short hair indicates masculinity or male gender for everyone.

Especially babies! Most babies have no hair or very short hair. It was only because I was used to my baby’s longer hair that my brain registered the short hair as a gender indicator.

Then I began to wonder – does everyone automatically gender babies as male because of the short hair unless there is a female indicator such as pink clothes, frills, or a flower headband? Is this one of the reasons why baby clothes are so overly gendered?

In the two weeks since the haircut, with a steady stream of corrective self-talk, the gendering effect has worn off a bit. But regardless, I figure that if some people put flower headbands on their babies, I can too. Creating a genderful experience for my child means using clothing, accessories, toys, and language from all parts of the gender spectrum. It also means doing things to trick my brain out of gendering them based on their sex assigned at birth or their short hair.

What experiences have affected your perception of your baby’s gender? What things do you do to create a genderful experience for your child? Tell me in the comments below!

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Gender in Isolation

In the time of the COVID 19 pandemic, many of us are living in physical isolation. We have significantly less social interaction, especially with strangers, and the majority of our social time is over the internet using video chat. Depending on your situation, this time of isolation may have been helpful or harmful as it relates to your gender. For me, it has been a bit of both.

My experience of isolation, in general, has been positive. I live with a supportive spouse, I have job and housing security, and I haven’t had any major medical incidents (other than giving birth to our baby). I know this is not the case for everyone, especially queer and trans people. Many are isolated with family members that are not supportive of their identity or even abusive. Many have lost their income. Many have had major mental or physical health crises. If your experience differs from mine, I would love to hear about it. Please share in the comments or send me an email. However, I will stick to my own experiences for the purposes of this post.

HELPFUL ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Separating Physical and Social Dysphoria Triggers

When I am home alone, or with only my spouse, the majority of my dysphoria goes away. This has made it even more obvious to me how much of my dysphoria is triggered by social interactions and how important it is for me to build a life for myself where I am predominantly in supportive environments. The flip side of this is that it also has shown me what aspects of my dysphoria are present regardless of social interaction. These are physical and part of my experience even when I’m by myself.

For example, I always assumed my dysphoria related to my chest was triggered by having other people see me as female as a result of the shape of my chest. Turns out I have almost the same amount of dysphoria even when I’m by myself, it’s just easier to ignore because it’s not compounded by all the other socially triggered parts of dysphoria.

Decreased Social Dysphoria

About 75% of my dysphoria is triggered by social situations. This includes being misgendered, hearing female language used to refer to me, and being expected to look and act a certain way. Since being in isolation, I have had so much less exposure to these triggers that I have way more energy and emotional bandwidth to spend on other things, like taking care of my four month old!

Seeing how much of a difference this has made has given me incentive to try to be open about my gender when interacting with new people and even work on coming out to other people in my life. Hopefully over time this will shape my social environment into a more supportive one that has fewer triggers for dysphoria.

Space to Experiment in Safety

Though I haven’t felt the need to experiment in the last few months as I have done a fair amount of this already, I have found isolation necessary to experiment in the past. Trying something in private has always been the first step in seeing how I feel about it gender-wise. If it feels good, I’ll try it in a queer inclusive space next. If it doesn’t, I’m always glad I tried it on my own first.

The isolation isn’t just good for the experimentation but also for the process of building up courage and taking care of myself afterwards. Sometimes this means laying out what I want to try and just holding it up to myself or feeling it before trying it on. Sometimes it means having time to take pictures or look in the mirror. Sometimes it means changing into comfy clothes and working out or cleaning afterwards to get rid of excess energy and re-ground myself in my body. Almost always, it means having time to journal about the experience either immediately after or a day or two later. Having to interact with others while feeling vulnerable and confused about the experience is extremely taxing. So doing the experiments is always easier during a period of isolation.

DIFFICULT ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Testing Public Reactions

Often when I make a change to my appearance or behaviour I am doing it in an attempt to influence how other people see me and interact with me. Seeing how the change influences others can’t be done without social interaction. This means that while I may find ways of being that I am very comfortable with for myself, it may not have the effect I’m hoping for when I’m out in public or at work. This stage of experimentation will have to wait for when the social isolation has ended.

Coming Out and Reinforcing the Change

Being in isolation may have given me the bandwidth to build up courage to come out to more people and shown me how necessary it is but it doesn’t allow me to reinforce the changes that others have to make as a result. Coming out as trans or nonbinary requires a bunch of work from the other party. For me, this usually includes changing the pronouns and language they use to refer to me. Most people can’t do this without significant practice. And most people need to be corrected when they get it wrong before they start to correct themselves or get it right on the first try.

Without the regular social interaction following coming out, I can’t do this repeated correcting and reinforcing. Sometimes this means the change in how they refer to me happens slower, and sometimes it stalls and doesn’t happen at all and I have to repeat the coming out process at a later date.

Separation from Queer and Trans Support

While the global pandemic has led to many support groups moving online and therefore becoming accessible to me even though I don’t live in the area, it has also led to not having access to my in person, local group of queer and trans friends. There’s something different about meeting in person that I don’t get from an online group. I miss it and I’m looking forward to the days when I can get it back.

How has isolation influenced your relationship with your gender, either recently or in the past? Leave me a comment or send me an email with your thoughts and experiences!

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How to Reprogram Yourself Out of Binary Gendered Thinking

The majority of the world’s cultures are structured around the gender binary – male and female. Everyone who grows up in these cultures is automatically trained to see everything around them through the lens of the gender binary. We are trained to associate almost everything around us with gender. Similar to prescribing human traits to animals, a lot of these associations are fake.

Even when we ascribe gender to a person, it is often based on many aspects that, while related to gender, are not synonymous with gender. As a nonbinary person, this leaves little space for me to exist unless I constantly fight for it. So I’d like to share some strategies you can use to reprogram yourself away from seeing the world through the lens of the gender binary and build yourself a new, clearer lens that is at least gender neutral, if not gender expansive.

GENDER ISN’T BINARY, AND NEITHER IS SEX

The first step is to recognize that gender isn’t binary. Often people assume it is because we base gender on sex when a baby is born and we see sex as binary. But, as it turns out, sex isn’t binary either. Sex is made up of many factors including chromosomes, hormones, hormone receptors, gene expression, internal and external genitalia, and secondary sex characteristics.

Some of these can be tested for, some of these are known from birth, but some of these fluctuate throughout life, especially during puberty. Often, if someone has external genitalia that we have ascribed to a binary sex, that is the category they are assigned to. If they have other aspects that don’t match that category, they may not find out until puberty, or through fertility testing, or even later.

So no, gender isn’t binary, and neither is sex.

DICONNECT BODIES FROM GENDER

If gender and sex are separate traits, then our gender is not based on our body. Our gender is in our heart and our mind. So no matter what body I have, for me it is a nonbinary body. All parts of this body are nonbinary. Even parts that are typically used to determine a person’s sex. Because I am nonbinary, those parts of my body are also nonbinary. So why assign a gender to any part of anyone’s body that isn’t their own gender?

This takes a little more work, but try to disconnect bodies from gender. Especially genitalia and secondary sex characteristics. Anyone of any gender can inhabit those bodies and anyone of any gender can have any physical characteristics.

DICONNECT GENDER FROM CLOTHING AND OTHER PRODUCTS

The commercial industry would have us believe that certain clothes are for certain genders. Almost every product aisle has separate products for men and women. This, too, is fake. Buy whatever clothes suit you, feel good, and look the way you want to look. Wear whatever colours you want to wear. Use whatever shampoo and razor you want to use. Read whatever books you want to read.

Better yet, when you see someone else wearing certain clothes, colours, or jewelry, don’t assume their gender as a result. Don’t give into the training of the commercial industry!

DICONNECT GENDER FROM PERSONALITY TRAITS AND INTERESTS

The differences between boys and girls has been widely studied. It can be speculated how much of this is nature vs nurture but it is impossible to disconnect a child from the environment they are raised in. If society teaches us that boys are energetic and rough and girls are quieter and more social, then we will subconsciously train children to act that way. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyone can have any personality traits and interests. There are no traits that are strictly male or female traits (again, what about nonbinary people?). So next time someone has a particular interest or acts in a way you’re not expecting, check your expectation. Was it based on their gender? Would you have had the same surprised reaction if they acted in a way that you felt ‘conformed with their gender’? Try to train yourself away from assigning gender to personality traits or associating certain interests and traits with certain genders.

GENDERING STRANGERS

So if you’re not supposed to assume someone’s gender based on their physical traits, their clothing and presentation, or their behaviour and interests, how are you supposed to address them?

As it turns out, you don’t need to know someone’s gender to interact with them. You can refer to anyone using they/them pronouns until their gender is specified to you. This isn’t to say you are assuming everyone is nonbinary. You are using the neutral pronoun of they/them as a place holder. And if it turns out they use they/them pronouns, you’ll have been gendering them correctly the whole time.

This takes practice and requires the use of other neutral language such as person, customer, participants, attendees, friends, folks, or y’all. If you want to point out someone specific who’s gender you don’t know yet, use a physical description such as ‘that person in the yellow skirt’ or ‘the person in the Blue Jays cap’. Try to avoid ‘that woman in the yellow skirt’ or ‘that boy in the Blue Jays cap’. Unless you know this person and their gender, those are the gendered assumptions you have been trained to make that are unnecessary.

RECOGNIZE WHEN NONBINARY PEOPLE ARE EXCLUDED

Often, when referring to a group of people, the genders within the group are specified as men and women – ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, moms and dads. Nonbinary people are often left out due to lack of reference and lack of awareness. Again, this means we are forced to make space for ourselves in a way that binary-gendered people are not.

Try to recognize these times when gendered language is being used and is nonbinary people. It is easier to recognize when others do it but eventually the goal is to recognize when you do it yourself and correct your use of language to be more inclusive and less binary.

Some of the ways this happens are more insidious. Research is often conducted on ‘men and women’ or sometimes, just men. It is assumed that everyone is cisgendered and binary gendered. Very little research includes a broad enough definition of gender to include nonbinary people. So when you hear a fact that is based on research, assume that it was conducted based on the gender binary unless otherwise specified.

Health care systems are based entirely on the gender binary. Legal systems including prisons and, until recently, legal documentation, are also based on the gender binary. The more you recognize this, the easier it will be to maintain your newly found gender neutral or gender expansive lens while engaging with these environments. If you are in a position to help correct this, please please do. Even if it is just at a local level.

Until you are aware of how and when nonbinary people are excluded, you will likely fall in line with the gender binary assumptions in these situations without realizing it, even if you are pretty good at maintaining a neutral and inclusive lens at other times.

IT TAKES PRACTICE!

Don’t be hard on yourself if this is a struggle at the beginning. It takes a while to realize how much of our daily experience we associate with gender when it really has nothing to do with gender. At some point you will be good at recognizing these situations but not yet be good at correcting your own thinking or language and you will feel overwhelmed. That’s ok! You are making progress! Keep practicing!

It helps if others around you are also trying to change their perspective on gender so that you can help correct each other and have someone to discuss specific assumptions with.

Reprogramming your brain takes time, energy, and practice! I am still working on this myself. The more people that do this, the safer and more welcoming the world will become for me and other nonbinary people. So I thank you in advance. Together, we can change the world.

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Making Sense of Myself by Writing Poetry

Back in 2008, a few years after my initial gender questioning experience but many years before I actually figured out my gender or heard the term ‘nonbinary’, I wrote a poem for an LGBT publication at my university. I was going through boxes of notebooks and found the one I had written it in. Reading through it, I found it incredible how accurate it still feels. I don’t even think it was chosen for the publication but it means a whole lot to me so I thought I’d publish it here.

Both

Neither boy nor girl.
Not neither, both. 
Sometimes one more than the other, 
But always both. 

Gender is fluid, always changes.
It's not black and white, 
not static, 
not for me. 
Gender fluidity.

It's not visible like race. 
It's who I am and part of all I do. 
The way I walk,
the way I talk,
the way I punch your shoulder. 
The clothes I wear defy gender, do not conform,
instead show who I am. 
And the way I sit - have you not noticed?

Of course not. 
I use the women's washroom
(every time glancing at the men's sign).
I check the 'female' box on forms
(wishing it didn't matter).
It's in the language:
Masculine, feminine, he, she, him, her. 
It's defined, as it should be, 
as it needs to be,
for society. 
But not for me. 

I'm not butch, that's just an image. 
Don't call me a tomboy, that's just a name. 
I don't need a category, 
I don't want a label. 
I'm me and will forever be
neither boy nor girl. 
Not neither, both. 
Always both.

There are some parts of this that I’ve changed my perspective on or have a deeper understanding of. I now understand that race can be as invisible as gender, just as difficult to navigate as gender, and is absolutely as inherent to someone’s identity as their gender. I also do appreciate labels as a way to communicate who I am in a variety of ways depending on who I’m talking to and what the situation is. But the labels typically given to me by society feel just as wrong or irritating now as they did when I wrote this poem.

Even without accurate language to describe it, much understanding of it, or much experience exploring my own gender, I was still able to communicate the emotional experience of living as a nonbinary person in a binary-gendered society.

If you’re stuck on a strong emotion and keep going around in circles no matter who you talk to or what advice you hear, try writing it down as a poem. I have relied on this as a tool of expression, communication, and self-discovery many times over the years all the way from elementary school into adulthood. Even if you’re not the poetry type, or don’t think you’re good with words, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be eloquent. If you start from a place of strong emotion and use words that represent that emotion and the experience that triggered it or what it feels like to sit with it, you may be surprised how powerful your words can be.

Give it a try and, if you’d like to share, post your poem in the comments or send it to me in an email. I’d love to read it.

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