Non-binary – Page 4 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Let’s Talk Gender S1E1: Language and Labels

OVERVIEW

Language and labels are used to communicate our identities to others but for trans people, the first step of this process is finding language and labels to understand and define our own identities.

There is a ton of language that is specific to the trans community and trans experiences and identities. As the partner of a trans person, finding this language can be helpful but also overwhelming.

The social context and definitions of labels change over time. Labels should be tools for self-definition, not boxes that we force people in to. Having a variety of labels can help you communicate your identity in a variety of contexts and still feel authentic.

Our identities change over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed.

To listen to the full podcast episode, scroll down to the bottom of the page for the audio player or search for Let’s Talk Gender and subscribe in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

Language

Finding language to understand your own identity
- Talking to people from the queer community
- Looking things up online, YouTube
Having a lack of language makes it very difficult to understand your own identity
Feeling overwhelmed as a partner with all the new language and information
- Often feel one step behind the trans person
- Find your own resources and look up your own language and then ask the trans person if this matches their experience
Finding new language to refer to yourself and your body to make yourself more comfortable
The internal tension of referring to someone incorrectly to protect their identity/for their own safety
So much gendered language that we have to change beyond just pronouns when someone transitions
Communicating our identities to others requires bridging the gap between our understanding of language and terms and theirs
- Can go along with the terms/narrative that others understand to achieve the goal of the conversation
- Often takes a lot of energy to correct their use of language and explain the nuances
- Very difficult to explain non-binary experience or request neutral terminology and pronouns (hopefully this will get better in the future)

Labels

Generational gap
- Labels seen as negative from when they were used as slurs
- Too much language, that it’s evolving too fast
- Reclaimed language used in a positive way by younger people but still viewed as negative by older people
Labels being put on you can feel negative
- It tells you how they are seeing you but doesn’t change who you are
Labels are terms for self-definition
- Allow communication of your identity
- Helps you find community
- Helps you connect with people who have similar experiences
The more labels you have that you are comfortable with that have different connotations or definitions the more flexible you can be
- Specificity vs generality
- Widely understood vs newer or less well known terms
The interconnection of labels for sexuality and gender can make some labels easier to use than others
Feeling like you have to justify the labels you use can be frustrating and make you feel defensive
The labels we use
- Trans, non-binary, co-gender
- Queer, gay, neutrosexual, pansexual
- Trans vs transgender vs transexual
Not everyone feels the need to have lots of labels or any at all and instead, prefer the more general terms
Our identities evolve over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed

RELATED POSTS

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

The Coming Out Equation

Coming out is not a one time thing. The closet metaphor may be accurate for how it feels with each instance but it is not a good metaphor for the lifelong process and constant decisions.

Coming out is a matter of degrees. You can be completely open about your identity or experience or just hint at one part of it. You can also be out to a different extent to different people.

Deciding how ‘out’ to be can be a complicated process. How ‘out’ is it safe to be in this situation? How much energy do you have for the questions that will follow? Is it worth the risk? How much benefit will all the effort give you?

The way I see it, it is a matter of need and benefit on the ‘pro’ side vs cost and risk on the ‘con’ side. For me, this equation usually tips to the con side at the moment. But I’ve been working on being more aware of the balance and, when it does tip to the pro side, taking the opportunity to come out to more people.

PROS

Need

Because my gender shifts between male and female so I am comfortable being seen as female about 30% of the time. When I am uncomfortable it is a moderate discomfort so my need to come out is at a low to moderate level at the moment.

Benefit

The benefit of coming out is always hard to determine accurately. It is hard to predict the future. Some things that can help is seeing out people respond to hypothetical conversations or how they respond to a mutual friend or family member coming out before you do.

As a nonbinary person, the benefit of people accepting me for who I am 100% of the time would be just as strong as for any binary trans person but the likelihood of that happening is significantly less. This is simply due to the lack of awareness and the reliance on the binary for so many aspects of western society (see my posts on passing as non-binary and how to explain your fluid gender identity for more discussion on this). So, while the benefit would be huge, I would generally rate it as low likelihood of receiving that benefit.

CONS

Cost

I think of the cost of coming out as an emotional cost. How much effort will it take to get people to understand and eventually lead to the benefits? For similar reasons to the benefit being low, the cost of coming out for me is generally high. I am often the first nonbinary person they have met so I have to start at gender 101 for them to understand why it’s important what I’m saying and why it’s important that they make an effort to use they/them pronouns.

The other thing to take into account in terms of emotional cost is how it feels to be misgendered after coming out to someone vs before. When someone is unaware of my identity, being misgendered feels uncomfortable. When I have come out to someone and still get misgendered it feels terrible. Given the high likelihood of being misgendered as a nonbinary person, this also contributes to the cost being high.

Risk

I think of the risk of coming out as the physical or safety risk. I am lucky to live in an area where being visibly queer does not inherently put me at high safety risk. I would not likely lose my job, my family support, housing, or access to medical care. So the risk of coming out for me is low.

FTM VS NONBINARY

The stage at which this coming out equation is most relevant is the time between when you come out to yourself and the time when you are fully out to everyone in your life (or as out as you ever want to be). I call this stage ‘limbo’. My husband’s limbo stage lasted about about 9 months. Mine has so far been going for about a year and a half with no end in sight.

So what makes such a huge difference? On the pro side, his need was much higher than my own. He was not at all comfortable being identified as female and it only got worse the longer it went on. His benefit was high but had much higher likelihood of paying off. On the con side, his cost was still pretty high but not as high as mine as it is generally easier for people to understand identities that fall within the binary. And, since he has a similar situation to me, his risk was fairly low. So his equation balanced in the ‘come out’ direction much faster than mine has.

SHIFTING THE EQUATION

So what shifts my equation to create those situations where it is worth it for me to come out?

The biggest one is the cost going down. If I am talking to someone who is queer or someone with previous trans knowledge, I have to do a lot less educating. In this situation the likelihood of experiencing the benefits also goes up.

The other time I am likely to come out is when my need is significantly higher (usually as a result of a triggering situation or bad dysphoria).

I will often try opening up about other ‘difficult’ topics to see what kind of response/support I get from someone as a way of testing the waters. If their interaction with me changes for the worse, my likelihood of coming out to them as nonbinary goes down significantly. So don’t take less important seeming conversations any less lightly.

Maybe some day, when the general population is more knowledgeable about nonbinary identities or if my gender shifts more consistently in the male direction, I will come out publicly. Until then, I will be paying attention to this equation situation by situation, person by person and take it one decision at a time.

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

Processing…

Success! You're on the list.

Whoops! There was an error and we couldn't process your subscription. Please reload the page and try again.

Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies

Being pregnant is a huge undertaking for your body. It makes permanent changes to lots of areas, includes lots of discomfort and unpleasant experiences, and involves a decent amount of risk. It changes how you are viewed by society and how strangers interact with you. And it is (or can be) the first step in one of the biggest changes anyone can make in life – becoming a parent.

So of course I have all the typical fears:

How will my body change?
Risk of miscarriage (Ha! That already happened once)
Huge life change
Adverse symptoms for nine months such as nausea, fatigue, and joint pain
Birth trauma
Postpartum depression and isolation

Pregnancy is also one of the most feminizing experiences a person can have. So, as a nonbinary person, I also have gender related fears:

Will my sense of where my gender is on the spectrum shift in unpredictable ways due to hormones?
Will my social dysphoria increase to unbearable levels due to the quintessential feminization of my body?
Will my physical dysphoria increase due to my chest getting bigger and my pregnant belly?
Will I struggle to find clothes that fit me that are not hyper-feminine like typical maternity clothes are?

But on the other side of my fears is what I hope for:

My gender identity will shift to the more feminine side of my range like it does during my period and result in minimal dysphoria with pregnancy changes
I will have fewer physical discomfort symptoms than I am expecting
Many of my current clothes will fit throughout pregnancy since I prefer looser clothes to begin with (though they will end up being more fitted as I get bigger)

Now that I have actually been pregnant once, for a short time, and only in the first trimester phase before the hyperfeminization of my body happened, some of these fears and hopes have shifted. I now know, or am more confident that my gender will shift to the female side for some or all of my pregnancy. Hopefully this will help with the social and physical dysphoria.

But this caused another area of discomfort: feeling like I was missing half of who I was. And after I had a miscarriage, my gender swung back to the male side with a resurgence of dysphoria that I was now unaccustomed to. You can read more about that in Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender. So I can now add ‘postpartum dysphoria’ to my list of fears.

Here are some strategies I’ve come up with to help me through this process:

Look for alternative maternity clothing stores or just buy larger sized clothing from cheaper places
Come out to as many people as I am comfortable with so that I have lots of options of people to hang out with in a gender affirming environment to combat social dysphoria and invisibility/inauthenticity
Focus on the personal, wondrous, internal feeling of growing a life inside me
Be kind to myself post partum while I’m learning how to deal with dysphoria again and review my personal journals and previous blog posts about how I deal with it

If you have a similar identity to mine, I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences with pregnancy will help you feel more comfortable in your skin or at least not so alone during this experience. If you have someone in your life who is pregnant, maybe this will help you understand that not everyone who looks pregnant identifies as female and what that might feel like.

Do you have any stories of your own or strategies that got you through pregnancy with dysphoria?

Do you have any questions or specific aspects of this experience that you are looking forward to hearing more about?

Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

Menstruation and Gender

Having a menstrual cycle is treated as a very female experience. It is seen as the transition from being a girl to being a woman. It is treated as a symbol of fertility and future motherhood. So it is understandable that people who menstruate but who do not identify as women would struggle a lot with this time of the month.

Menstruation is a huge trigger for dysphoria in a lot of people. For people that menstruate who don’t identify as women, they are going through PMS mood swings and the physical pain of cramps and the inescapable bleeding all while combating feelings that this invalidates their gender identity, that their body is doing things that feel wrong, and that no one would understand how this feels if they ever had the courage to talk about it.

Then there are the women who have never menstruated and never will. They hear other women complaining about their symptoms, having to take birth control pills, or see it represented in media (on the rare occasion). Not having a period and not being able to relate to the experience of having a menstrual cycle can feel invalidating of their identity as a woman.

There are many reasons why a woman may not have a menstrual cycle. And it’s not only women that can menstruate. We need to start separating the things our bodies do and the way our bodies look from gender. Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

I am an AFAB, non-binary, genderfluid person. When it comes to my period, I am one of the lucky ones. Almost every menstrual cycle, my gender shifts in the female direction with the beginning of my period and has a corresponding shift in the male direction as my period ends. This means I have very little dysphoria when it comes to my period. Sure, I still have the fatigue and cramps and grossness but I feel more female than male at the time so it feels in line with my gender. Usually these shifts in my gender are gradual over the course of a couple days but when they happen in the span of a few hours it makes me feel very cranky, out of sorts, and often dysphoric. Maybe this pattern is hormonal, maybe its societal. All I know is that it’s consistent and very helpful.

I figured out this pattern by tracking my gender for a couple months which I describe here. Knowing this pattern has helped me significantly when managing dysphoria. I know to watch for the shift in my gender around the time when my period is supposed to start and then again as it’s ending which allows me to adapt my presentation and dysphoria management strategies more easily.

Not everyone with a fluid gender will have predictable fluctuations in their gender like I do and not everyone will have fluctuations based on a menstrual cycle. My gender fluctuates in less predictable ways during the middle of my cycle.

Regardless of whether someone’s gender fluctuates or not, they do not need to be a woman to menstruate and they do no need to menstruate to be a woman.

What influences your experience of your gender? Do you experience dysphoria related to having or not having a menstrual cycle? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums

The first definition of gender that I came across that differed from the binary definition was the idea of gender as a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle. For a long time this made sense to me. As someone who identifies as a mix of male and female, I could conceptualize and communicate my gender to others using this model.

Original Genderbread Person graphic showing sex, gender, presentation, and sexual orientation as separate concepts, each with their own spectrum.

However, since hearing more stories from other non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid folks, this model seems limiting. What seems more useful is seeing gender as separate spectrums. Male from 0 to 10, female from 0 to 10, and ‘other’ or ‘third gender’ from 0 to 10. This model allows for representations of identities such as agender, demiboy or demigirl, and bigender.

This shift is also important when looking at gender presentation. We often talk about presentation in terms of masculine, androgynous, and feminine. Androgynous can mean a blending of more subtle feminine and masculine traits or it can mean mixing the more extreme aspects of masculine and feminine presentation. A single spectrum from masculine to feminine would not be able to represent the difference in these two examples. With separate scales from 0 to 10, you could place a dot at 5 on both scales, or place a dot at 10 on both scales.

Gender Unicorn showing separate scales for masculine and feminine aspects of gender identity, expression, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction.

Having two or more separate scales for gender identity and gender presentation does not exclude anyone. Cisgendered and cis-normative people can still represent their gender and presentation using this model. But it allows for the flexibility to represent many different non-binary and gender non-conforming experiences than a single spectrum does.

Have you ever used one of these models to rate different aspects of yourself? Is this newer model inclusive enough to represent your experience of the world? If not, what would you change? Have you ever asked your friends or family to rate themselves on a similar model? How did it go? Leave me a comment and tell me your experiences!

How to Explain your Fluid Gender Identity

Gender fluid identities can be difficult to explain to people. Even once your audience understands gender beyond the binary, they may not have any experience with fluctuations in their own gender or know someone with a fluid gender identity.

Let’s say someone asks you how you identify with regards to gender (for example, asks your pronouns). For gender fluid people (typically people who experience their gender as a single point on the spectrum that shifts around) and gender expansive people (people who experience a wide range of gender simultaneously), there are two ways to answer this question. You could explain your total gender experience and identity (for example, stating that you are pronoun indifferent, or that you use he or she on different days depending) or you could state how your gender feels at that particular moment (for example, ‘I currently identify as a boy and use he/him pronouns). It all depends on context and your goals for the conversation.

If your goal is to give an accurate and authentic representation of your identity then explain the total of your experience. This could include what labels and pronouns you use, a discussion of the range of gender you experience (I like using a 5 male to 0 to 5 female scale – for example I go from 2 male to 3 female with most of the time at 0 to 1 female), or examples of how you are comfortable presenting on different days.

If your goal is to clarify how you wish to be identified at this particular moment – which pronouns and name people should be using, what types of gendered terms or interactions you would prefer at this time – then state where you currently sit on the spectrum.

If you are coming out to someone such as a family member or friend, some explanation of your total gender experience will be important but try not to overwhelm them.

If you are not sure that the space you are in is safe, stick with a minimal description of how you currently feel with regards to gender.

If your interactions with a person are going to limited, an explanation of your total gender range is likely unnecessary so stick with the ‘current day’ picture. If the next time you see them you are presenting drastically differently, you can explain a bit about your global identity if you’d like, or once again stick to the ‘current day’ picture (which just happens to be different than the previous time).

What’s important to remember is that if you only explain your current gender it does not invalidate your gender fluid or gender expansive identity and experience. The people around you will likely make assumptions about your gender and identity (that it is static and therefore you are either cis or trans or non-binary) but you will likely be using this explanation when safety or ease of interaction is the main goal so don’t worry too much about not presenting yourself in an ‘authentic’ way. It is always your decision what and how much to disclose about your gender identity.

If you have a fluid or expansive gender, how do you explain it to others? What types of responses do you get and how do you address them? If you have a more narrow or static gender identity, what questions have you always wanted to ask a gender fluid or gender expansive person?

Leave a comment below! Maybe your explanation will give someone with a similar identity the words they need to explain it to the people closest to them.

Pros and Cons of Pronouns on Correspondence

Lots of people have added their pronouns to their email sign-off or even their business cards in an attempt to normalize the practice of indicating your pronouns to others. This is encouraging for me to see but also makes me nervous. Here’s why.

Pros

It shows an awareness of how challenging it can be to have to derail a conversation, come out to someone about your gender identity, and hope they don’t make a big deal out of it
It shows an understanding of how important pronouns are to gender non-conforming and trans people
It makes an implicit promise that this person will respect your identity and pronouns and helps people identify allies
It takes the edge off the constant analysis about safety and creates a relationship and space that starts off as at least neutral

Cons

Doesn’t actually normalize pronouns until it is the standard
In a specific workplace, it would be possible to make this practice mandatory, however that would take away the indication of pronouns as a flag that this person is an ally
Indicating pronouns on correspondence could be uncomfortable or even unsafe for people who are questioning their gender identity or are not yet ready to come out to everyone
It can be difficult for gender fluid or gender expansive folks who use multiple pronouns or different pronouns depending on the day and their current presentation
It may lead to some non-binary erasure for non-binary folks that prefer pronouns that match their gender assigned at birth due to cisnormativity

I have seen some people at universities and some people within the queer community indicate pronouns on correspondence. I am happy when I see it but immediately wonder what I would put on my email sign-off. I prefer they/them pronouns but I’m comfortable enough with she/her that fighting to have everyone use they/them would not be worth it for me. Combine that with the fact that I work in a hospital and I am not yet out to the majority of people at work and I wonder if I would be comfortable putting they/them.

I know for sure that if I only put she/her I would feel invisible, inauthentic, and generally shitty every time I saw it. Because I would have actively chosen to put it there. I would have effectively misgendered myself on every email I sent. This would feel way worse that it does when the people I am not yet out to misgender me.

So, at the moment, if this became a mandatory workplace policy out of good intentions, I’m not sure what I would do. Whatever pronouns I decided to put down, I would definitely be having some in depth conversations with my manager and/or HR.

How do you feel about indicating pronouns on correspondence? Would you feel comfortable doing this yourself? Leave a comment below!

AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities

Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input.

I recently joined Instagram in an attempt to find more non-binary community. For the most part it has been immensely helpful and wonderful. But one of the things that surprised me was how uncomfortable it was for me to see images of AMAB non-binary folks playing around with their presentation. I was not uncomfortable because I thought they looked strange or weird (they didn’t, they looked awesome), I was uncomfortable because as a non-binary person I was expecting to empathize with them and instead, when I automatically pictured myself using similar strategies for presentation, it made me super dysphoric. This post is an attempt to explore that experience.

AMAB and AFAB people are going to feel dysphoric in different ways and are therefore going to use different strategies to mitigate that dysphoria. This can lead to vastly different, or sometimes completely opposite, gender expressions. For example, an AFAB person might wear a binder, wear traditionally male clothing, and limit their use of makeup. An AMAB person might wear traditionally female clothing, makeup, jewelry, or nail polish.

This is not to say that in order to ‘be’ non-binary, you have to alter your appearance to conform to the other binary gender from what you were assigned at birth. There is no one way to ‘be’ non-binary. There is no ‘right’ way to be non-binary. You can be AFAB, wear a dress and makeup and paint your nails and still be non-binary. But often, dysphoria is either related to aspects of our bodies and biology, or related to how we are viewed by society. Altering our body shape and presentation can help with the dysphoria or lead to gender euphoria and there are strategies that are common among AMAB people and vastly different strategies that are common among AFAB people.

Despite these differences that have made it hard for me to relate to images of AMAB non-binary people, there are many similarities in how we experience the world. We all had to struggle to figure out why we felt uncomfortable with either of the binary gender options that were presented to us. We all had to figure out how to communicate our identity to ourselves and others. We all struggle to have our identity recognized as valid by those around us and society at large. We all struggle against binary assumptions, expectations, and limitations.

There are some AMAB non-binary people who, having taken estrogen, have some breast development and occasionally wear a binder. Or some AFAB people who take low dose testosterone to lower their voice and change their body structure but don’t want facial hair and end up having electrolysis. So even with what seem like vast differences in our strategies to present authentically, non-binary folks can have experiences that overlap in important and interesting ways.

What similarities or differences have you experienced with other non-binary folks? Have you been able to connect with people who share your identity but were assigned a different gender at birth? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think!