Name – Page 2 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person

If you have read any of the other posts in the Pregnancy and Parenting category, you’ll know that Jake and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. So naturally, we think ahead to what it will be like to parent as a trans man and a non-binary person.

Below are some of the things we’ve discussed in relation to my identity as a non-binary person. Note: other non-binary parents may have different responses to these situations and my responses may very well change in the future. And that is totally fine! Think of this as a time capsule of what we’re thinking at the moment.

WHAT WILL THE KID CALL ME?

For the most part, I am comfortable with mom or mother. Mommy is a bit less comfy. I have seen various terms that other non-binary parents use such as Baba, Mapa, Maddy, Mappy, etc. None of these feel like they really fit for me but maybe I will just have to pick one that feels the closest and I’ll get used to it.

Another common one is Ren or Renny from parent. I quite like this one but it would not be as intuitive to others what it meant so it would take more explanation on our part or our child’s part. Maybe this is ok and wouldn’t be as difficult or frustrating as I’m picturing.

The other one I’ve thought of is Mur which is a sounded-out version of M.R. for Meaghan Ray. It also sounds like a shortened or slurred form of mother. So maybe I’ll use that.

I’m sure the kid will have their own opinions about what fits so I guess we’ll see what happens.

EXPLAINING MY IDENTITY TO MY KID

Initially, I won’t be telling my kid anything specific about my own gender identity because they won’t necessarily understand and they definitely won’t understand the safety concerns of who to tell and who not to tell. But we will have lots of kids stories about gender diversity and have lots of conversations about gender and gender presentation and preferences geared towards whatever stage they’re at.

When my kid is more preteen age I will likely tell them about my own gender identity. If my kid ever asks outright what my gender is I will be open and honest and deal with whatever personal consequences come from that.

NAVIGATING SYSTEMS

Whether it’s school systems or pediatric medical care, I will likely be identified as the mother on all the paperwork and to all the professionals. I will likely take that one situation at a time and if I come across an inclusive professional or an inclusive form, I will likely be open about my identity (as long as my kid was also aware of it at that time).

We will look for spaces where our kid, and us as parents, can hang out with other queer families so we don’t feel isolated in these various experiences.

PREPARING THE KID TO FIELD QUESTIONS

Depending on what we have told our kid about my identity and how they are referring to me, this may generate questions from other kids or teachers and other parents. We will not be able to control how our child responds but we can have conversations both before and after these questions come up about what they might say, how they felt about being asked the question, and if they feel like they want to ask any questions of us.

All we can do is instill an open minded and positive view of gender in our child and hope that that is what they represent in their answers to others. If they encounter a negative response as a result of my identity, we will debrief with our child and address it with the most responsible adult directly. This is probably the thing I am the most apprehensive about so we’ll see how it goes.

WILL WE RAISE OUR CHILD GENDER NEUTRAL?

Socially, emotionally, and physically – yes, as much as possible. This means playing sports and rough housing with them while teaching them how to be gentle. Modeling and teaching them emotional intelligence and emotional coping skills. Giving them access to a variety of toys, clothing, and accessory options.

However, we will not be using they/them pronouns for our child. We will be using the pronouns that align with their sex. Though neither of us are cisgender, statistically speaking, our child will be. As someone who prefers they/them pronouns, I understand how difficult it is to get people to use them and understand why I am asking them to. It can be quite upsetting for me when I have explicitly asked them to and they don’t. So having to fight for the same thing for my child would be way too much of a struggle and way too emotionally taxing for me when they are likely to be cisgendered.

As I said above, we will frequently be asking our child about their gender using whatever terms they understand. If they ever display a preference for other pronouns, we will adjust accordingly and immediately. For me, being flexible and open is more important than being strictly neutral from the start.

Do you have a child or are you planning on it in the future? What terms do you use? How have you discussed gender with your child? Leave me a message below!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E5: Social Transition: Coming Out At Work

OVERVIEW

Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.

Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.

We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s process for coming out at work

Preparation

Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
- They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them

Tipping Point

Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
Told team lead in advance
Had written an email
Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
- Generally supportive
Sent email to whole department
- Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
Told other higher-ups
- One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
- Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)

Challenges

Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
- Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
- She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing

Bathrooms

Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
- Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR

Looking Back

Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
Fighting on all fronts
Exhausting and circular and convoluted

Did People Adapt?

Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
- Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
- Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
- Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots

Other Interesting Situations

Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
- Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity

Partner Experience

Could only be a cheerleader
Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
- Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
- Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
- Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
- Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
- Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
- More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
- Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work

Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
Half the people I interact with are strangers
Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
- Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct

Jake’s experience as a partner

Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E4: Social Transition: Coming Out To Family

OVERVIEW

Coming out to friends and family is a long process that involves lots of uncertainty, strategy, and a bit of luck. We discuss Jake’s process of coming out as a trans man and Meaghan Ray’s experience of that process as his partner, including how this process went for us, what methods we used to come out to people, what emotions we experienced, and what responses we got.

We also discuss Meaghan Ray’s experiences of coming out as non-binary so far (still early on in the process), Jake’s experience of being their partner, and how their two experiences are similar or different.

You can find the audio for the episode at the bottom of the page or subscribe to Let’s Talk Gender in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

The following is Jake’s coming out process and Meaghan Ray’s experience as his partner.

Who to come out to first?

Friends, then close family, then work, then extended /more questionable family, then strangers
Everyone’s process will be different
- Start with the people that will be most likely to be supportive and work your way up to the least supportive people

Partner Experience during closeted and early coming out phase

Various pronouns depending on the situation and who was present – female, male, neutral, avoiding pronouns altogether
Still trying to get used to his new identity so using female pronouns made that harder
Lasted about 4 months
Didn’t realize the toll that this took until about 8 months later (caused fairly severe burnout)
Got used to doing a quick check in before each social situation of who’s going to be there, who are you out to, is it worth going out, which name and pronouns are we using?

Coming out to family

Thought it would be similar to coming out as gay but it really wasn’t
- Being trans is about who you are and requires them to do a lot more work – change how they think of you and how they refer to you
Started with the first few people who were most likely to have a positive to neutral response and who had less direct impact
- Didn’t judge all of those correctly but overall it went ok
- Be open to any response they have
- Keep safety in mind
First part felt like it went really slow
- Few people know and if they’re hanging out with people who don’t know it gets very stressful
- Asking people to hold back on gendering you correctly which slows down their process of coming to terms with it
Eventually there is a tipping point where it’s easier just to have everyone know

Coming out to partner’s family/long distance family

Multiple conversations
Expecting close family to come out to other members of the family for you does not work – you end up having to do it yourself
Mostly done through email with generally positive, supportive responses
Follow up conversations at face-to-face gatherings
Took them longer to adjust but generally had less impact on us
Partner can do more of the work, especially with the follow up conversations

Methods for coming out

Face-to-face is the hardest, tended to avoid that if possible
Sent lots of emails in the early stages
Wrote a letter and read it out face-to-face
Sent lots of shorter emails to the more extended family
Facebook/social media for general public, past friends, far extended family

Responses to coming out conversations

Told close family early on that he was thinking about it/working on it as a warning that transition might be coming
Told them a while later that he for sure was trans but they didn’t seem to understand that there was much difference from the first convo
No change in pronouns or name
Had a family wedding coming up that necessitated telling Jake’s brother
- First person to appropriately change pronouns, name, and referents (brother) and introduced him that way at the wedding
His family realized that they were the only ones referring to him with female name and pronouns and suddenly was making it more unsafe for him
- Kick started their use of proper name and pronouns in an unexpected way
- Positive effect of strangers getting name/pronouns correct around family that is getting it incorrect
Was a high risk, high reward situation
Realized afterwards that family had been reluctant to change likely out of fear for his safety (when he wasn’t passing yet)
- What they didn’t realize (and what we didn’t understand early enough to explain to them) was that the toll on his psychological safety was worse than the physical safety risk that they perceived

Partner experience during early stages of being out to family

At the beginning, tried to hang out with them and refer to Jake in third person as much as possible to set a good example
- Complete opposite from previous stage where we tried to use second person or no pronouns as much as possible
Really enjoyed being able to refer to Jake correctly, felt good about setting a good example and trying to help
When they were not getting it at all, it got very difficult to hang out with them
- Jake wanted them to figure it out at their own pace and didn’t want to correct them
- Started getting angry with them too easily and had to not hang out with them as much (until they suddenly figured it out at the wedding)
Once they figured it out, it was much easier to hang out with them again
- Started correcting themselves, correcting each other

Correcting others when you get misgendered

Often happens in larger groups or in the middle of a conversation
Don’t want to derail a conversation or become the center of attention
Will remind them via text message later if they do it repeatedly without correcting themselves
Much better if someone else corrects them for you because you automatically have an ally and don’t have to make yourself vulnerable in order to stand up for yourself
Always takes emotional energy so it’s a balance of how much pain it’s causing you vs how much energy you have to spend to correct them

Emotions during coming out to family

Transition from questioning stage to coming out stage was the hardest
Fear, nervousness, what if someone becomes vengeful, actively negative
Questions about which family would chose to never talk to me again
Can’t base people’s reactions to you being trans on how they reacted to you being gay
Eventually reached a tipping point of it is more difficult to live in the closet than the fear of how people would react
Realization of how many people you actually have in your family
- Exhaustion, frustration, unending
False urgency to tell everyone as soon as he started hormones because changes would be happening and people would notice
- Didn’t happen nearly as fast as he felt like it would
- Wanted changes to happen faster to help people have an external reference for changing name and pronouns

Mental vs physical image and adjusting to new identity

Lots of detailed conversations between us where Jake explained how he saw himself and would feel most comfortable which helped Meaghan Ray change their mental image of him earlier than anyone else would be able to
- Made it easy for me to use correct pronouns well before any physical changes
Other people don’t get to have those detailed conversations and therefore can’t change their mental image because they don’t know what to change it to
- Often do much better after physical changes start happening
Family have known you longest and will have the strongest mental image of you pre-transition
5% rule: people will take up to 5% of the time they have known you to get used to new name and pronouns

Partner emotions during coming out to family

Fear, mostly for psychological well-being as he was having lots of difficult conversations
- Kept my phone on me at all times
Tried to provide lots of validation and support so he had at least one positive influence
Offered to go with him when he would be having those conversations
Still didn’t really understand how hard those conversations were and how things were going
- Had to ask really specific questions in order to find out because he didn’t want to make it harder for me and did not have any more energy to spend on another gender based conversation

Burnout lasts a long time

Still nervous about talking about gender and transition because there is a conditioned response that those conversations will lead to something huge and exhausting
Reviewing past experiences is much easier than talking about current ones
If you are the second person to transition in your immediate family or even within your relationship, those around you might have a hard time as a result of the residual burnout from past experiences with it

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out as non-binary

Even harder than coming out as binary trans
- The person you are coming out to already has an idea of what you mean by ‘male’ or ‘female’
- Most people do not have that reference for ‘nonbinary’
- Requires a lot more sex and gender 101 education to work up to getting them to understand which puts them in information overload
Really, all I’d be asking is for them to use they/them pronouns and maybe a different name and even that seems to be extremely hard for people to do
- We use they/them automatically all the time but when people are asked to do it consciously, apparently it messes with their brain and they can’t do it
Takes so much energy that I haven’t done a lot of coming out to family yet
- Something else always seems more important to talk about when visiting with family
- Sent an email with an explanation but haven’t talked about it since
- Good sibling support, will likely help my family come around but want to have those conversations with my parents first
Will likely have those conversations with close family once I’m pregnant/having a kid and have more extended visits with them and potentially more gender-based discomfort

Jake’s experience as Meaghan Ray’s partner

Trying to avoid pronouns at all costs
- Awkward pauses, reorganizing sentences
Being supportive while Meaghan Ray is slowly working up to coming out
- Spending a long time in limbo
Can’t be fully invested because limbo causes burnout and limbo will last much longer

The coming out equation

Deciding when you’re ready to come out will be different for everyone
How uncomfortable it is to be misgendered vs how hard it will be to come out and how much benefit you will get
- Very different answers to this equation for each of us

Every coming out process is different and personal but inevitably affects and involves the people around you.

Join us next week when we talk about coming out at work.

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Gay vs Trans

There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay.

Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay and non-binary and my husband’s experiences of being gay and trans. We both identified as gay first, and later discovered and expressed our non-cis gender identities.

SIMILARITIES

Incorrectly assumed to be the default (cis or straight)
Living with confusion and feeling like you don’t fit in before you know why
Have to figure out your identity
Have to ‘come out of the closet’ ie tell other people
Dealing with fear of rejection, prejudice, loss of housing or work as a result of coming out
Excitement and comfort of finding people that have the same/similar identity/experiences as you
Culture, experiences, and history specific to queer community
Lots of different terminology, language, and labels
Different interaction with people in your community than people outside of it
Risk to physical and psychological safety by living authentically
Pride parades, pride month, pride flags and symbols
Being labeled by strangers (often incorrectly) based on how you look or who you’re with
Often become parents via alternative fertility methods, surrogacy, or adoption
Prejudice in health care and legal systems (significantly worse for trans identities but present for both)
Lack of appropriate/relevant sex education

DIFFERENCES

Who you like vs who you are ie sexuality vs gender
Gender based experiences and identities are much less understood and accepted by the general public than sexuality based ones (though this wasn’t always the case and we hope to get to the same place with acceptance of gender identities)
- Significant energy has to be put towards educating the people around you when you come out as trans that isn’t necessary when coming out as gay
Coming out as gay requires the other person to change how they refer to your partner (if you have one) whereas coming out as trans requires them to change how they refer to you (which takes a lot more work on their part)
Dysphoria with trans identities that doesn’t relate to gay identities
Possibility of medical intervention and changes to legal documents with transition
Difficulty accessing appropriate/competent medical care as a trans person when it wasn’t a problem as a gay person
Gay community is readily available and easy to find while trans community is much smaller and harder to find
Extreme shift in privilege with transition that is much less pronounced with coming out as gay
Most trans people pick a new name, gay people don’t

If you have anything you’d like to add to these lists, leave me a comment below!

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Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns

The most basic way to respect a trans person is by using their preferred name and pronouns whenever and wherever they have requested you do so. But there is much more to respecting someone’s gender than simply using the correct name and pronouns.

Most of the time, when we are talking directly to someone, we don’t use their name and pronouns. It’s only when we refer to them in third person or talk about something that happened in the past, and often this is when the person isn’t present. But there are other gendered terms that we often use directly to a person or a group of people that can either be damaging or affirming. This includes ladies, gentlemen, ma’am, sir, girl, dude, bro, etc.

In general, it is a good idea to avoid gendered language as much as possible. You cannot assume someone’s gender based on how they look, what they were assigned at birth, or what someone else may have told you. So using gender neutral or inclusive language is a good habit to get into.

As someone who works in a female dominated work environment, I hear these terms a lot. It is more likely that I will be hanging out with a woman. This makes it particularly easy for people to say ‘hey ladies’ or ‘thanks ladies’.

For me, having people use my birth name and she/her pronouns when I’m feeling more neutral or male is not nearly as uncomfortable as hearing other types of gendered language. The words that are the most uncomfortable when applied to me are things like girl, ladies, and ma’am.

Despite being genderfluid, there are no days that those specifically female terms feel good to me. Conversely, male-gendered language almost always feels good to me. At the same time, female pronouns generally feel ok where male pronouns would feel weird. So if I use female pronouns and all other gendered terms are male, it would be a way that both aspects of my gender could be recognized without changing my name and pronouns.

Since they/them pronouns feel good 100% of the time, that would be ideal. But I recognize that using they/them is difficult for many people and impossible as an expectation for strangers. So instead, I’ve been asking people to focus on avoiding the rest of the female gendered language that they typically would use.

So far, those conversations have been going well. I provide them with alternatives such as folks, friend, guys, everyone, or even some more masculine terms such as bro, dude, man, etc. When they slip up, I find it much easier to correct this type of gendered language than name and pronouns (at times when I’ve specified other ones). And since it feels consistently worse to hear those terms, I feel like I am having a much stronger impact on my day to day comfort with this strategy.

Does being misgendered by gendered language feel different to you than being misgedered by your name and pronouns? Did people have an easier time with adjusting these other terms or using a different name and pronouns after you came out? Let me know in the comments below!

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Name Options

Picking a new name is a quintessential part of gender transition. But not every trans person feels the need to change their name. Some are perfectly comfortable with their given name. Some have more than one name and use different ones depending on how they feel or who they’re with. This is my experience.

Meaghan

Meaghan is my given name and is not particularly gender neutral. But this doesn’t automatically mean I am uncomfortable with it. Most of the time, it feels like this name fits me. Even if I’m feeling more male, Meaghan still feels like it represents at least half of who I am so it doesn’t particularly feel wrong, just not wholly representative.

Ray

Ray is the name that I have always associated with the male part of my identity. At times when I am feeling more male than female, this name feels better than Meaghan. However, as a gender fluid person, there are many times when Ray would not feel comfortable so at the moment, legally or socially changing my name to Ray does not feel like a good option.

Meaghan Ray

This is my most preferred version of my name. I think of my name as being both Meaghan and Ray, almost as though it was hyphenated. I am considering changing my middle name to Ray so that it would appear this way on my documents. I have tried introducing myself using both names but everyone either thinks Ray is my last name and just uses Meaghan or just shortens it for ease unless I take the time to correct them or specify that I go by both names. But I am getting better at making it clear how I want to be referred to. And just knowing in my head that this name represents the whole of who I am, and especially knowing that this is how my husband thinks of me, is hugely helpful.

Meaghan With Occasional Ray

This is where I’m at right now. I typically go by Meaghan but use Ray in certain circles (ie with queer friends). The times when I get to use Ray are a breath of fresh air. They help me feel balanced. They help me feel seen. At times when I feel more male but I’m being called Meaghan, I can look forward to the next time I’ll be around friends who call me Ray.

Gender Neutral Alternative

For a while, I searched for either a way to combine Meaghan and Ray into a new name that was gender neutral or find a completely different name that would feel good more consistently than either one. But the more I searched, the more confident I became that these names are who I am. There are two separate parts of me and having two different names makes sense. Sure, navigating how I want to be identified is harder and more confusing for everyone around me but this is who I am. As I spend more time exploring my identity and building confidence, I get better and better at asking people to use the name that feels best at the time and correcting them when they get it wrong, just like with pronouns.

Just because you are trans does not mean you have to change your name. You can keep the one you were born with, use a different one occasionally, or combine two names if that feels best. If you are someone that feels perfectly content with your name even though you are not comfortable with your gender assigned at birth, this does not invalidate your identity or experience. I hope that sharing my experience with my names has helped give you more confidence with yours.

Please leave a comment below with your experience with names. Did you change yours, add a new part to it, or stick with the same one? I’d love to hear from you.

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Different Ways to Explore Your Gender

The period of time between wondering if you might not be cis and figuring out what your gender actually is can be confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating. There are many different ways to explore your gender. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. You might use all of these strategies at different times or only a couple of them. I hope this helps you find the most authentic and comfortable version of yourself.

Practical Experimentation

Try out a different presentation with clothing
Cut or grow your hair or try a wig
Use makeup or an app to try out facial hair (Snapchat, shaving apps)
Try a binder, packer, bra padding, or tucking
See what strategies decrease your gender dysphoria
See what strategies increase your gender euphoria
E.g.: the first time I wore a binder and saw myself in the mirror with a flat chest I knew that was how I was supposed to look.

Vicarious Experiences

Talk to other people with similar questions and identities
Listen to podcasts about gender (see my Resources page for a list)
Explore other people’s experiences on social media to see what resonates with you
Look at lists of labels and how different people define them to see if any of those definitions sound like your experience of your gender (if more than one feels right, that’s fine too! Labels aren’t boxes, they’re descriptors)

Process of Elimination

Determine what you for sure are NOT
Pay attention to what words, interactions, articles of clothing, or experiences make you feel less like yourself and head in the opposite direction
E.g.: I know I am not a girl but I’m not sure if I am a boy or agender.

Objective Guidance

Follow a guide for exploring your gender such as ‘You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery’ by Dara Hoffman-Fox or ‘How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker
Track your sense of your gender on a scale that makes sense to you (5 female to 0 to 5 male, 0 can represent neutral or no gender)
List things that you have tried and how strongly they felt right or wrong to you to see if there is a pattern (maybe things that feel good all relate to a specific direction on the spectrum or maybe they are from all different points in the spectrum and you should be looking at gender-expansive identities)
Talk to a therapist who specializes in gender identity (highly recommended regardless of which other strategies you try if you are able to access one)

Try it Out

Sometimes it is very difficult to see how something will feel until you hear yourself referred to in that way
Find a group of two or more close friends or family that you trust and test out different pronouns, a different name, or different identity labels (if it is only one other person they likely won’t be using your name or pronouns since we only do that when we refer to someone in third person)
Pick an event that happened to you on a specific day and write it out like you are a character in a story using the name and pronouns that you want to test out
Join an online chat group that is gender positive and use the name and pronouns you want to test out
Try it out in private, then with close friends or family, out anonymously in public, at a larger queer group or random event, and eventually in everyday life
E.g.: I had been using they/them pronouns as a default because I knew that she/her and he/him felt equally wrong but when my friend started using xe/xir for me so I could try it out I had finally found something that felt right.

What strategies have you used? What strategies did you find the most helpful? Where certain strategies more useful at different points in your gender exploration? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Note: the examples I used in this post are not my own experiences but are experiences I have heard other people describe.

What’s in a Name and How to Pick One

For many gender non-conforming and trans people, names are super important. Just like pronouns, names often have a specific gender attached to them. There are female names, male names, and gender neutral names.

Often one of the first things that a trans person will do, after coming out to themselves and before coming out to their broader community, is to pick a new name. This name is considered their chosen name. Their previous name is called their birth name. And once someone has socially transitioned and no longer uses their birth name, some trans people call their birth name their ‘dead name’.

So how does one go about finding a new name? I was lucky in that the masculine part of my identity came with a name that automatically felt right. However, this did lead to me having two names which I will discuss below. Jake, my husband, had a very different experience. He didn’t specifically dislike his birth name and if it had been an acceptable gender neutral or male name he probably would have kept it. He tried shortening it to a more masculine version but it didn’t feel right and ultimately chose the name Jake. I discuss more about his process below.

HAVING TWO NAMES

I have two parts to my gender identity, a female part and a male part, and I have a name that matches each. It has taken me a long time to figure out how I want to navigate the world and be identified and I am still figuring it out but here’s where I’m at so far:

In my head and when referring to myself as a whole (to people I am out to or in online spaces like this blog) I use both names as though they are one name ie Meaghan Ray
In my everyday life where I am not yet out as genderqueer or nonbinary, I use my birth name only
In queer spaces when I am feeling more neutral or masculine I use Ray only

Having two names means that when I am in spaces where I am out to people I have to specify how I would like to be referred to each time. Some people are better than others at asking and then using the name I specify. I am slowly getting better at remembering to specify and correcting people when they get it wrong. It’s an ongoing process.

So far, I don’t feel the need to change my name legally. At some point I may change my middle name to Ray but for now I am comfortable with where I’m at.

FINDING A NEW NAME

When Jake was looking for a new name we used a few different strategies. I have also heard some others mentioned by other trans people. Here are a few ideas:

Look up baby names from the years close to when you were born
Ask your parents what you would have been called if you had been born as your current/true gender
Make a list of names used in previous generations of your family
Make a list of names that start with the same letter as your birth name or middle name (if you like it) or other first letters that you like the sound of
Flip through a baby name book and make a list of names that feel right for you
Shorten or alter your birth name to version that matches your gender

There is no one way to find a name. Some names are more common in the trans community so connect with the community online if you can and see what other people with your identity have chosen. Maybe you want a common name, maybe you don’t. It’s your name and it is completely your decision.

TESTING YOUR NEW NAME

Choosing a new name can feel daunting and huge. This is the name that will represent you for the rest of your life! So, give yourself a trial period before you start telling everyone. Here are some suggestions of how to test your new name:

Use it as an alter ego online or as a character name in a video game
Ask a few close supportive friends or family to test it out for you (we learned that this doesn’t work very well with only you and one other person because you never use first names unless there are three or more in the group)
Try writing a journal entry about your day in the third person using that name
Participate in a queer social group that you have never met before and put your new name on the name tag
Pick one of the names on your shortlist and mentally use it as your name for a week, switching to a different name for the next week

Many of the above strategies will also work for testing out pronouns. Don’t be afraid to try out different names and change your mind. But be aware that it is often difficult for the people closest to you to adapt to a new name. So the more ways you can test it before telling the whole family or coming out at work the more confident you will feel that you are choosing the right name for you.

Remember that you also need time to get used to your new name. It will sound strange when someone refers to you by that name for a while. The longer you can give yourself to get used to it internally or with a small group before coming out publicly the more it will feel like your name when you hear people using it.

If you changed your name, what strategies did you use to pick a new name and test it out? If someone you know changed their name, how did you feel about the change? Leave me a comment below with your experiences!

6 Months of Self-Discovery

What I Knew at the Beginning

I have both male and female gender
I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity

Fears I Had

My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.

Goals of Self Discovery

Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
Find ways to communicate my identity to others.

6 MONTHS LATER…

What I Know Now

I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).

Did My Fears Come True?

Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.

Did I Achieve My Goals?

Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.

Still Working On…

Coming out to people slowly, including my family
Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to

Looking Ahead

Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
Being a non-binary parent

What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!

Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns

I recently went on a vacation with my husband where I was attending a conference and was able to pick the name and pronouns that would appear on my ID badge. My husband asked if I wanted to use my male name, Ray, and they/them pronouns as an experiment to see how it felt. After some thought and a couple of conversations with trusted friends I decided to go for it.

My gender identity includes a female component which I was assigned at birth (named Meaghan) and a male component which I began to experience in the middle of grade 10 (named Ray). I am Meaghan in my everyday life and for a long time kept the name Ray and that part of my identity hidden. Since my husband began his transition from female to male I have been exploring my own gender more. (More on my own story here, my exploration process here, and my identity labels here).

Lately, I have begun using the name Ray and using neutral pronouns among other queer/gender non-conforming friends. This group of people are generally better at adjusting names and pronouns because they’ve had more practice and are more flexible in their thinking about identity. This allows me to express the part of myself that generally feels hidden or invisible to society. It has helped me feel more seen, more whole, and more authentic with a lot less fear and judgment.

The first few times I tried this were incredibly nerve-wracking. What would people say? Would they make mistakes? Would they correct themselves? Would I have to correct them? How would I feel? Would I get weird looks from the people around us? As it turned out, my friends were great and no-one around us seemed to notice. Maybe they assumed that by Ray I really meant Rae as in short for Rachael but who cares. It felt awesome.

When my husband was at the beginning of his transition and was trying to find a name that fit we went through a similar process of testing different names. We quickly figured out that when you’re only two people hanging out with each other you rarely use each other’s first name. So we did a trial period while we were on vacation and were more likely to be introducing ourselves to people or talking to each other from a distance. Turns out when the vacation is a camping trip where you are trying to avoid human contact this also doesn’t work very well. But it did give us an extended period of time when we forced ourselves to think of my husband using different names and in the end did help him settle on one. (More on my husband’s transition in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3).

My situation was slightly different. When I first began to experience having a male identity it included the name Ray right from the beginning. So I didn’t have to look for a name or test a few out and narrow it down. I’m also not transitioning to using that name at all times instead of my female one. I want to be able to use either name depending on the situation and how I feel at the time. Ideally, I’d be using each name 50% of the time but I don’t think that is feasible, at least not yet.

So when my husband suggested I opt for using the name Ray and using neutral pronouns for the entire week at the conference I decided to go for it.

I wasn’t sure how it would feel to hear myself be referred to by that name all the time. What if it felt just as uncomfortable because I wasn’t hearing my female name anymore? What if I got weird looks or comments? What if it was just such an intense experience that it was distracting or exhausting?

None of this happened. It was awesome.

Typically when you change your name people make a lot of mistakes because they have known you by a different name previously. And if you’re just testing out a name and ask them to switch back and forth it’s even less likely to work. Since I was introducing myself to the people at the conference for the first time and I was wearing a name badge with my name right on it this didn’t happen. They got it right the whole time because they had no other name to call me.

The pronouns were a different story. People still defaulted to female pronouns even though I had ‘they/them’ printed below my name on my badge. I wasn’t the only one at the conference that used neutral pronouns. And it was standard that everyone had their pronouns printed on their badge. So in general the conference was very proactive and supportive. But still, people struggled to wrap their heads around using they/them. When this became evident on the first day I changed my expectations from ‘a chance for me to feel seen and live authentically for a week’ to ‘a chance for people around me to be exposed to they/them pronouns and have a chance to practice with them’. This reframing helped decrease the frustration, disappointment, and dysphoria immensely.

The whole experience also gave my husband a chance to practice using the name Ray and they/them pronouns when referring to me. I know he’s nervous about struggling with this, especially because I’m not switching 100% and will potentially be asking him to switch back and forth in different situations. I don’t know how to make this easier for him but I’m sure we’ll figure it out as we go along.

I highly recommend testing out names and pronouns on vacations or isolated opportunities such as social groups, camp, or conferences where you are meeting people for the first time that you are less likely to interact with after the fact. As it turned out, I have kept in touch with a lot of the people I met and therefore have had to re-introduce myself using my female name but hopefully, since they were primed to think of my as Ray first, they will see me as a combination of the two.

Have you experimented with a different name or different pronouns? How did the experience work out for you? Have you ever been asked by someone else to use a different name or different pronouns? What was difficult about this and what made it easier? Tell me your story in the comments below!