Tag: Language

Let’s Talk Gender S2E8: Nonbinary Pregnancy and Parenting

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person including navigating the incredibly gendered world of fertility and pregnancy, the physical experience of being pregnant, and my thoughts as I look ahead to parenting.

FERTILITY AND TRYING TO CONCEIVE

Over the course of four years, my husband and I tried as many methods of getting pregnant as we could access. This included home insemination, known donor, IUI, and eventually IVF. I have heard many stories from folks who have gotten pregnant after only a couple tries of these earlier methods but, for no discernible medical reason, this was not the case for us. 

The IUI (intrauterine insemination) trials were done at a fertility clinic. Their language was generally inclusive of gay couples (referring to the partner as ‘partner’ instead of husband) but all the references to patient were female. We also ran into a few situations where, once my partner was identified as a man, people were confused as to why we were using donor sperm. Most notably, the psychologist we had to see to get the go-ahead to use donor sperm (which seemed strange to begin with) wanted to talk about if there was any guilt or shame on my husband’s part about not being able to provide viable sperm and when he stated he was trans she became very interested and curious, wanting to ask a bunch of irrelevant questions about his transness, and nearly derailed the appointment multiple times. You can bet I provided feedback about that encounter. 

The fertility clinic itself also did not have a gender neutral bathroom option and I had to empty my bladder immediately before each procedure. So that was fun. I did end up finding a single use bathroom in one of the medical areas during the IVF but it required a staff member to use a swipe card to get there so not actually for public use. 

I never came out to the fertility clinic, doctor, or nurses as nonbinary. With all the emotional ups and downs of trying to conceive, I didn’t have enough energy to educate or correct any misgendering that would happen afterwards. It was easier to let them assume I was female and deal with the dysphoria as best I could. 

Honestly, I didn’t find the IUI attempts to be that difficult. The procedures were fast with just me and Jake and a nurse in the suite, no high tech stuff. And it was only one procedure every two months. We decided early on that we needed to take a month off between trials to reset and breathe emotionally. Otherwise we would be required to order the next round of donor sperm before finding out if the previous trial had worked which felt a bit like having bad karma by assuming it wouldn’t. 

The IVF process was much more invasive and dysphoria inducing at times. They had to do an internal ultrasound as a baseline, after one week, and then every other day or every day thereafter for about five more visits before the actual procedure was scheduled. The ultrasound wand is much bigger than an insemination catheter and they had to move it around and dig it in to get good images of both ovaries. If my gender happened to be more female aligned on that day, this was mostly just physically uncomfortable. But there were a couple times when my gender was particularly male aligned and let me tell you, the dysphoria during the procedures on those days was a hell of a lot more uncomfortable than the physical part. I think I death gripped my husband’s hand to keep from crying at one point. Oh, and did I mention that these all had to take place first thing in the morning before I went to work? Where I’m also not out to most people and have a decent amount of dysphoria? Those were not good days. But hey, at the time of this recording I am 37 weeks pregnant and by the time this airs we will hopefully have been parents for a couple months so as far as I’m concerned, it was all worth it. 

PREGNANCY, MISCARRIAGE, AND GENDER

Being pregnant comes with its own slew of gendery things. One of those IUI attempts actually did work though it turned out that the egg that was inseminated was empty. I didn’t know this was something that could happen but apparently it’s very common. Usually these types of pregnancies end in miscarriage before the person even knows they’re pregnant. But my body was so ready to be pregnant it did a really good job of implantation and building a gestational sac despite the fact that nothing was growing inside it. So I experienced all the symptoms of early pregnancy until 10 weeks. 

During this first pregnancy, my gender shifted early on to the far end of my female range (which is still only about halfway from neutral) and stayed there. At first I was grateful. I had so much less dysphoria, both social and physical, and without the gender shifts I didn’t have to pay attention to my gender as much or worry about dysphoria taking me by surprise. But after a few weeks I started to feel like a part of myself, that I had only recently gotten to know, was missing. The male half of me that I knew was still there felt like a ghost, something I couldn’t quite touch, feel, or embody. The times I was interacting with queer friends who knew me as Ray felt dysphoric in a way they hadn’t before. I didn’t feel like Ray at all. It was very strange and disconcerting. 

After the miscarriage I was worried that my gender would suddenly shift to the male side and I would be swamped with dysphoria. But the hormonal confusion that I went through either masked that or overrode it completely. By the time my hormones stabilized and I felt more like myself, my gender was back to normal, feeling mostly neutral with a gentle fluctuation to either side. Still, it took some conscious work to re-learn how to use my dysphoria management strategies that I had developed before this weird female pregnancy experience. 

PREGNANCY (AGAIN)

Then I got pregnant again, after the IVF procedure. I was expecting a similar experience and had tried to think of strategies I could use to help with that ghostly feeling of losing contact with my male side for nine months. But as it turned out, my gender has stayed pretty consistently neutral. If anything, the only change is that it fluctuates less, if at all. 

This means that I have experienced dysphoria with this pregnancy. In the first trimester, before many people knew I was pregnant, it was mostly chest dysphoria as my breasts increased by multiple cup sizes. My chest was too sore to be able to wear a binder right from the beginning. I did use tape a couple times but even that was uncomfortable.

In the second trimester, the breast growth slowed down but my binder no longer fit. Once we announced the pregnancy I was slammed with social dysphoria as everyone started using more female language for me and asking about the gender of the baby. I continued to struggle with chest dysphoria until my belly started to grow. As my belly got bigger, my chest looked and felt smaller and smaller in comparison. In the third trimester, my belly was big enough that most regular t-shirts created a tenting effect that nearly completely hid my chest. I’m sure it looks funny to other people but it feels great to me. 

Throughout the pregnancy process I have been trying to consume as much information as I can about pregnancy, birth, and baby care though apps, websites, books, podcasts, and medical care providers. The majority of this information is female centric. The pregnant person is always referred to as mom or mom-to-be, is always assumed to be a woman, and dysphoria is never mentioned as one of the potential symptoms of being pregnant. 

We were lucky enough to find a midwife team in our area that is LGBT inclusive who we were upfront with about both my husband being trans and me being nonbinary from the start. This was hugely helpful for me. I don’t have to brace myself to go to every pregnancy related appointment like I had to during the fertility/trying to conceive process. If you are trans or nonbinary and trying to get pregnant, I highly recommend finding a trans inclusive care provider if you can. If none exist in your area or you don’t have a choice of who you go to, I recommend finding a trans inclusive doula to add to your support team who will advocate on your behalf throughout the process. You will have enough to deal with without having to do all the advocacy and education related to your gender identity on your own. 

At some point mid-pregnancy, I had an aha moment based on something someone posted on one of the facebook groups I’m in. They explained how they had re–framed their pregnancy as a nonbinary experience in a nonbinary body because they identify as nonbinary. When it was put like that, it seemed so simple. Of course if I identify as nonbinary, my body is a nonbinary body, and anything it can do, including getting pregnant and growing a baby, is a nonbinary experience. This mantra has helped a lot on days when my social dysphoria is getting the better of me or when I am trying to consume information that is highly gendered. 

INCLUSIVE TERMINOLOGY MATTERS

I have been able to find some resources that are trans inclusive. The Birth Partner, 5th edition is the best one. I included links to trans doula practices that also provide inclusive resources in Related Posts and Resources at the end of the show notes. 

The prenatal classes we attended were advertised as being LGBT inclusive and did a good job of being LGB inclusive, referring to partners instead of husbands, but they didn’t have much awareness of the trans component. They didn’t introduce themselves with their pronouns, so naturally I didn’t either. They almost exclusively referred to the birthing person as a woman or mom using female language. And when they were talking about feeding the baby they only ever talked about breastfeeding and used that terminology.

Particularly during the class on feeding, I had so much dysphoria that I became claustrophobic and had to pace in order to be able to stay in the room to get the information I needed. One of the perks of being in a pandemic was that these classes were all run over Zoom so I was able to be off screen and still listen in. Otherwise I probably would have had to speak up or leave the class entirely. I also provided the instructors of this class feedback (a couple weeks later once my dysphoria had calmed down) which was well received. 

When I’m trying to absorb information that will likely be helpful in navigating pregnancy, birth, or postpartum and caring for the baby and the information is presented in a gendered way that triggers my dysphoria, it’s very hard to tell if I am dysphoric because I just happen to be feeling more male and have more dysphoria that day, if the language used in the resource is triggering dysphoria that otherwise wouldn’t be there, or if the situation I am learning about will be dysphoria inducing when I’m experiencing it and I should prepare for that. This is why inclusive language is so important. 

If I feel dysphoric when picturing myself in a situation as I read an inclusive resource, it seems much more likely that I might struggle with that experience when the time comes. Since that very uncomfortable prenatal class, I have re-read the section on chestfeeding in The Birth Partner and watched videos by trans doulas on chest and body feeding and the dysphoria I feel when picturing myself doing this has decreased significantly. After this episode airs I will write an update on my blog and let you know how it’s going in real life. 

After the experience with the prenatal class and comparing it to reading The Birth Partner, I wrote a blog post with a list of inclusive pregnancy, birthing, and feeding terminology. This includes using gestating or pregnant person instead of mom, birthing person instead of woman, and chest or body feeding in addition to breastfeeding.

NONBINARY PARENTING

Of course the pregnancy journey doesn’t just stop relating to gender after the baby is born. It turns into a parenting journey. As I am not quite yet a parent, I can only speak to what I have been wondering about and talking to others about in preparation for this next step. 

First of all, there’s what the baby will call me. There are lots of nonbinary parental terms that people use and lots of nonbinary parents that are comfortable with either mom or dad. I honestly don’t know where I will go with this yet. I feel ok with mom but less ok with mommy or momma. I’m considering the name Mur based on my initials M.R. Or there’s something different like Ren or Renny from paRENt, or Mapa which seems highly accurate to my experience but doesn’t have any particular emotional connection for me. I guess we’ll see what sticks once we test them out. 

Then there’s deciding whether to gender your child based on their assumed sex or whether to raise them as gender neutral until or unless they specify otherwise. We have decided to gender our child but raise them in a gender inclusive, gender expansive way. For me, fighting for our child to be recognized as nonbinary when it is likely that they will identify as cis is not worth the effort and would be extremely dysphoria inducing for myself. We will of course be open about our own identities with our child and ask them often about their identity and adjust our use of language as often as they wish. 

This brings up another point. If we are open about our identities with our child, that necessitates being open with anyone the child interacts with – family, medical systems, school systems, playgroups. My husband is fairly open about being trans so this won’t be a huge shift for him. But I have only just started coming out to co-workers and family so this will likely be a steep coming out curve for me. I guess that is a pretty solid way of shifting the ‘need’ factor up in the coming out equation I talked about in Episode 5. 

And lastly, I have heard from many nonbinary parents that the world of parenting is, if possible, even more forcibly gendered than the world of fertility and pregnancy. I’m sure that is something you learn to deal with as it happens. But it’s probably good to have low expectations in order to be prepared and maybe occasionally pleasantly surprised instead of constantly irritated and defensive. 

REACH OUT!

If you are struggling through the process of trying to conceive, currently pregnant, or a nonbinary parent and want to reach out, please email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes. 

As this season is airing, I will hopefully be at home with my husband and newborn baby, learning what it means to be a parent. If you subscribe to my blog, you will continue to get regular updates on our parenting journey and how it relates to gender as well as any other gender related thoughts and experiences such as updates on coming out as nonbinary or any medical or legal transition steps I take in the future. 

I hope you have found this podcast helpful. Please reach out by commenting below or emailing me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I’d love to hear your reactions, thoughts, experiences, and suggestions for future seasons.

Bye for now. 

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E5: Coming Out as Nonbinary

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Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again), and how to respond to inappropriate questions and ignorance. 

TO COME OUT OR NOT TO COME OUT…

I look at coming out as an equation between pros and cons. On the pro side, I have need and benefit. How much do I need to come out? This often comes down to how much I’m struggling with not being out. As someone who is somewhat genderfluid and about 50% of the time is comfortable being identified as female, most of the time my need to come out is pretty low. If I’ve been experiencing a lot of dysphoria or been through a triggering situation, the need definitely goes up. 

How much will coming out benefit me? And how likely am I to receive those benefits? The benefit to me of everyone I come out to accepting me 100% as a nonbinary person is very high but the likelihood of that happening is very low, much lower than for binary trans people. This is simply due to society’s reliance on the gender binary and the lack of understanding of nonbinary identities. 

On the con side, there’s cost and risk. What is the emotional cost required to receive the benefit? I.e. how much emotional labour will I have to do to get someone to the point where they understand my identity or at least understand how to be supportive and are consistently following through on that? This varies but is generally on the high end. Also included in cost is the emotional cost of being misgendered. In mine and my husband’s experience, being misgendered by someone you have come out to hurts a lot more than being misgendered by someone you haven’t come out to yet. And if it’s going to be a struggle for people to understand my identity and gender me correctly, I am likely to get misgendered more often than correctly gendered. So this definitely puts the cost at the high end. 

I think of risk as what I might lose by coming out. Is there a risk to my physical wellbeing either due to safety or stability (job, housing, etc) by coming out? In my case, I have a lot of privilege and support in this area and have very low risk to my safety and security. 

So if the need and benefit of coming out are both low and the cost is high, why have I come out to anyone? Well, certain things can shift this equation in favour of coming out. As I said, the need goes up when I’m having a particularly difficult day, a longer period of more intense dysphoria, or experience a triggering situation. The cost can also go down significantly if I am talking to someone who is queer, someone who openly expresses awareness of trans issues or, even better, nonbinary identities and pronouns, or if I am in a position of power in relation to the person or people I am coming out to. 

The longer I have identified as nonbinary and the more times I’ve come out to people, the better I get at recognizing these low cost situations and capitalizing on them or the higher need situations and making sure I get the support I need without traumatizing myself further by having a high cost conversation with someone just based on proximity. 

COMING OUT CONSIDERATIONS

So what are some of the things you should think about when you’re deciding to come out to someone?

The first thing should be safety. This includes both emotional and physical safety. What views has the person expressed? How much risk is there to your wellbeing if the conversation isn’t received well? Coming out is always a scary process. I don’t think I have ever come out as nonbinary to someone without at least a small amount of fear. So it definitely can be a challenge to figure out if this fear is your natural anxiety about doing something big or if there is a legitimate risk to your safety. Take precautions, have a back up plan in case it doesn’t go well, find outside sources of support and stability as much as possible, and trust your gut. 

The next thing to do is figure out what your expectations are. What outcome are you expecting from this particular coming out conversation? How much might you lose? How hard to you think the conversation (or conversations) will be? This will help you figure out if it’s worth the cost. 

And lastly, consider the context. Who are you coming out to? If they are someone that is very close to you and has a high impact on your safety and stability, the emotional cost and risk will be higher, but also so will the need and benefit. Are they likely to talk to anyone else, either because they tend to spread news or because they will need to have someone to discuss it with in order to process? Are you ok with that or is this something you want to explicitly discuss during the conversation? Who else is around you at the time you are having this conversation? Are there others that might overhear who you don’t want to be coming out to, or who you would like to overhear so they know without you having to explicitly tell them? What medium are you using to come out? Up until now I have discussed it as though it is a face to face conversation but this doesn’t have to be the case. Both my husband and I have found a written format, usually via email, to be the easiest. But that only works for the planned, thought about in advance type of coming out conversations, not the ones where you capitalize on a low cost or high need situation. And lastly, consider your ability to care for yourself in that context. Will you have time alone soon after? Will you have access to your most effective self-care tools or support networks? How can you adjust the context so you do have access to those things?

This can seem like a lot of questions to ask yourself in a split second between someone calling you by a binary term and you deciding to correct them or not. But some of these questions will be more important to you than others. Some of them are make or break. Those are the ones you want to focus on. 

EXPLAINING YOUR IDENTITY TO CIS PEOPLE

So let’s say the equation tips in favour of coming out. Coming out as nonbinary, or any queer identity for that matter, requires using language that is not necessarily understood in the same way or understood at all by the person you are coming out to. When we find labels that work for us, they help us understand ourselves and often help us connect with others who share our experiences. But when we are going to use them as a communication tool such as in the coming out process, we have to remember that words are used to represent abstract concepts and not everyone has the same understanding of those concepts as we do. 

There are lots of aspects of queer identity and culture that are not understood, or misunderstood, by mainstream culture. This is because the majority of exposure to queer culture is via the media which is notorious for picking stories that are sensational, that are the most shocking or the most palatable to the mainstream, and that are the most visible or common. This leaves many queer experiences misinterpreted or not represented at all. So when we use language that connects to concepts built by the media, it can take a lot of energy to counteract those concepts in order for the person we are trying to come out to to accurately understand our experience and identity. 

This knowledge gap can be very frustrating and can often take you by surprise. What do you mean you’ve never heard the term nonbinary? What do you mean you’ve never heard of anyone using they/them pronouns? When we have been so immersed in this world and information as we try to figure ourselves out, it can be a shock to realize how far behind everyone else is. 

When you are coming out, you can ignore this knowledge gap and expect people to look up the terms you used that they don’t understand (and even provide them resources) but what if they don’t even understand that it is important enough an issue that they need to do this work? If you can find a key person or two in each group of people you are coming out to (family, co-workers, friends) and spend the time and energy to bring them up to speed, they can hopefully then help bring others along or at least be a good example of how to refer to you. 

The first step to bringing someone up to speed is noticing when there is a knowledge gap and identifying how big it is. If they have looks of confusion or ask vague awkward questions like ‘So when did this start’ or ‘Why are you telling me all this’ or even ‘What, what do you mean, nonbinary,’ these are good indicators that they do not have the background knowledge required to understand what you are telling them. 

The next step is to connect the dots. I tend to use a working backwards approach. If they’re confused about nonbinary, I suggest that gender isn’t just male and female. If they relate my gender to my body, I talk about gender and sex being separate concepts. If they want to know my life history and make everything about gender or are looking for some kind of trigger, I talk about identity as an ever evolving thing that was there from the start even if I didn’t have the words to understand or express it. If they have a strong, especially negative, reaction to a label I use, I ask them what comes to mind when they hear that label. If it’s a new label to them, they might just not like the feeling of being confused. Or, they may have a bad or incorrect association with it from media representation that I would then have to correct or find a different label to use (which is why I like knowing a few different ones that work for me). From there, I work my way back up to the understanding of my identity that I wanted them to have in the first place. 

The last step is to leave them with a clear takeaway message. For me, this is usually a combination of ‘You don’t have to fully understand my identity in order to support me’ and ‘I would like you to avoid female gendered language and use these terms and they/them pronouns instead’ or whatever my expectations are for that individual or group. Check out the post on bridging the gap between mainstream and queer and trans culture for more tips and useful phrases.

EXPLAINING DYSPHORIA TO CIS PEOPLE

Another aspect of coming out is often having to explain why you don’t feel like the gender you were assigned at birth. Typically this includes a description of the types of dysphoria you feel. Most cis people don’t know about the concept of dysphoria let alone understand what it feels like. So I find it helpful to relate it to something they might have experienced. Some of the phrases I’ve used include wearing an ill fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off, having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to painful that you can’t do anything about, or not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror. 

Even more important than explaining what dysphoria feels like is explaining what the impact is on you. For this, I describe how exhausting it can be to have part of your mental and emotional space taken up by the effort to ignore those sensations of pins and needles, or how it feels like being pinched every time you’re misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone you’re not out to) and punched when you’re misgendered by someone you are out to, or how you feel like the parts of you that feel comfortable are invisible and the parts everyone can see are the ones that feel wrong. 

I hope you find these phrases helpful in your coming out process. 

THEY/THEM PRONOUNS

If you are someone who uses they/them or neopronouns and will be asking people you come out to to adopt these pronouns, these conversations are all about shifting the other person’s mental image of you. This takes practice and most people have never had to do this until someone they know comes out as trans. So naturally, the more clarity you can give them on who you are, why your old identity doesn’t fit, and why the identity you are telling them about feels authentic and important to you, the easier time they will have in adopting the pronouns and name you are asking them to use. Take a listen to Season 2 Episode 4 for more ideas on names, pronouns, and other gendered language. 

EXPLAINING FLUID GENDER IDENTITIES

If you are someone who has a fluid gender identity, coming out often requires an explanation of your total gender experience and a shorter version of how you feel in the moment and how you want to be referred to that you would repeat at each interaction or when your gender has shifted. I’ll talk more about this in Episode 6. 

KNOWING YOUR BOUNDARIES

As you will have noticed from what I’ve talked about so far, and likely experienced yourself, coming out involves a lot of educating others. Often, especially at the beginning of this process (that goes on for the rest of our lives), we engage in conversations that are more exhausting than they are worth or reveal more personal information than was necessary for that individual or situation. In short, we cross our personal boundaries before we realize. 

People will ask invasive and inappropriate questions without knowing that’s what they’re doing. And sometimes, you will answer them without realizing that you don’t owe them that information. This can make you feel exposed, defensive, or antagonistic either in response to the question or at the next encounter with this person. This has definitely happened to me and is never a good place to be. The other person may be surprised when your demeanor suddenly changes or may become antagonistic themself. The relationship that you valued enough to want to come out can become a source of pain or even a safety risk. 

So how do you figure out where your boundaries are before you or someone else crosses them by accident? Here are a few questions you can ask yourself that might help. 

With regards to general information, are you comfortable…

  • Disclosing your birth name?
  • Explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
  • Talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
  • Talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance  or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
  • Talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
  • Talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
  • Talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

With regards to medical and legal information, are you comfortable…

  • Talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
  • Talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of these medications?
  • Disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?
  • Talking about legal documentation changes?
  • Discussing transphobic policies and politics?

Answering yes or no to each of these questions is a good start. You may want to do this a few times based on who you are talking to or what context you are in. For example, you may answer differently if you are talking to a co-worker, a close family member, a trans person, or your medical doctor. 

So what if someone asks about one of those things that you aren’t comfortable disclosing that information but you don’t want to discourage them or shut down the conversation completely? Here are a few different options. 

Try explaining why that’s not something that is appropriate to ask or why this is not an appropriate context to ask it in. This response still provides education and helps them be better informed and a better ally and keeps a positive relationship and rapport between you but without crossing your personal boundaries. 

Have resources ready to recommend so they can look up general information on the topic they are asking about. Usually acquaintances, co-workers, or friends are asking you specifically because you are the first trans or nonbinary person they have been exposed to and you happen to be there when the question occurs to them. They don’t necessarily want to know your specific story even if that’s how they phrase the question.

Challenge them based on the phrasing of the question. If they ask ‘Are you having the surgery?’ you can respond ‘What surgery?’ If they can’t answer with a more specific informed question, they don’t deserve your personal response. 

Provide a general response instead of a personal one regardless of how they ask the question. For example ‘I’m not comfortable answering that for myself but from what I’ve heard from other trans people, some do [example A for these reasons] and some do [example B for these reasons]’. 

Remember, hindsight is 20/20. There will definitely be times when you disclose more than you meant to or realize later that there was no reason why you had to answer their question. This can lead to a lot of guilt and regret about not standing up for yourself or protecting your privacy when you had the right to. Try to be kind to yourself. We’ve all done that and all you can do is learn as much as you can from others about how to have the conversations in advance and explore where your boundaries are before they are crossed. 

SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND GENDER

Another aspect of coming out in terms of gender is how it impacts your sexuality. When my husband came out at trans one of the most common questions I got was whether that made me straight. I haven’t gotten nearly as many questions about my sexuality when I have come out as nonbinary but I also haven’t come out to nearly as many people. However, I definitely questioned my own sexuality and how to describe it to others when I came out to myself as nonbinary. Also consider that coming out to your partner may cause them to question their own sexuality (which they may or may not feel prepared to do). I’ll talk more about all these intersections of gender and sexual orientation in Episode 6 as well. 

GUIDELINES FOR CIS PEOPLE

One of the other posts on my blog I recommend checking out is called How to Be Respectful Towards a Trans Person. This is a resource written for cis people as a guideline of how to respond when someone in their life comes out to them as trans. It has different sections depending on the nature of the relationship to the trans person. You can read through this yourself to get a better understanding of how people should and should not respond to you when you come out or you can include it in your resources that you recommend or give to people when you come out.

REACH OUT!

Coming out is an intense, scary, repetitive, exhausting, but often rewarding experience. If you are struggling with this process and want to reach out, you can email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember, you are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 5 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 6 I will be talking about some of the more complex aspects of being nonbinary such as genderfluid identities, how physical and social aspects of gender can feel at odds with each other, and how nonbinary genders interact with sexual orientation.

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E4: Name, Pronouns, and Other Gendered Language

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about figuring out how you feel about your name, pronouns, and other types of gendered language and how to decide what feels right. 

NAMES

Some people feel very uncomfortable with their birth name, either because it is typically interpreted in a gendered way or because it is associated with their past identity before coming out. 

Some people are perfectly comfortable with their name but decide to change it because of how it is interpreted by society or to signal their change of identity to others.

Some people are comfortable with their name and never feel the need to change it. 

Some people, and this is the version that relates to my experience, use different names depending on how they feel or what situation they’re in. 

I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name – Meaghan – because it represents the female half of myself. I also have the name Ray that represents the male half of myself. I think of myself as Meaghan Ray and will go by Meaghan or Ray or Meaghan Ray depending on the situation. Primarily I use Meaghan in everyday life and with family and Ray in queer spaces. So far I haven’t changed my name legally but I am considering changing my middle name to Ray.

But how did I figure out that this way of using different names was right for me? 

If you listened to Episode 1 of Season 2 you heard me talk about my initial gender experience in grade 10 where I was switching back and forth between Meaghan (female) and Ray (male). I had no idea why I was responding to the name Ray or where it came from. It just seemed to be part of my male identity from the start. So essentially, I never had to search for a name that fit. But that also meant that switching to a new, gender neutral name that would encompass both parts of myself didn’t feel right either. So I had to figure out how to use both Meaghan and Ray as names in a way that gave me a sense of balance and authenticity. 

At first it felt awkward and scary to introduce myself as Ray in queer spaces. One of the biggest experiments I did with this was going on a writing retreat on a cruise ship with a whole group of strangers that I may or may not ever interact with again. The organizers were very queer friendly and had everyone fill out a form stating what we wanted on our name badge. It didn’t have to match our legal name and would include pronouns. So I went with Ray and they/them pronouns. People followed through on the name really well because they had never known me as anything else. Pronouns were a different story but I’ll get to that in a sec.

If you are uncomfortable with your name and want to change it, here are a few strategies to try. 

Start with a gender neutral or more affirming nickname version of your name if one exists. If this feels better than your birth name, it not only points you in the right direction and gives you a bit of affirmation and euphoria but is also easier to get people to use without having to come out (if you don’t feel ready yet).

Look up gender neutral names in a baby name app or ask close friends what they think might fit you. Test out various names by writing about yourself in third person, using that name as an online identity, ask close friends to test it out with you, or put a different name in each time you order something online (or when ordering coffee) so you see how it feels when it arrives. 

There will be a name that you keep coming back to or that stands out as feeling right. Even if it’s not the one that everyone else thinks you should use, if it feels right to you, that’s the one to use. 

If you’re comfortable with your name, either because it is gender neutral to start off with or because it feels right regardless of what gender it flags to everyone else, that’s fine too! You don’t have to change it in order to be ‘trans enough’ or ‘nonbinary enough’ to claim a particular identity. 

Keep in mind though that people generally associate who you are with your name and may have trouble understanding how their perception of you is incorrect, and struggle to correct it, if your name is staying the same. If this turns out to be the case, you can always decide to change your name later if you feel you want or need to. 

PRONOUNS

Getting people to use they/them pronouns, and even more so neopronouns, is a big struggle. So much so that it has been a huge barrier to me feeling like it would be beneficial to come out as nonbinary. If I’m not changing my name and no one is going to use the correct pronouns anyway, why bother?

When I say that getting people to use they/them pronouns is a struggle, I’m comparing it to getting people to switch from female pronouns to male pronouns when my husband transitioned. That was still a struggle and took quite a while (and he still gets misgendered by coworkers four years later!) but at this point he almost always gets referred to using he/him pronouns by strangers. Not only will strangers forever label me as female and revert to she/her pronouns but even when I have explicitly asked someone to use they/them pronouns (and even have it printed on a badge I am wearing) they still struggle with it unless they have had prior experience and know other people who use they/them pronouns. 

There are a number of reasons why I think people struggle with they/them pronouns more than binary ones. 

I’m not even going to talk about the ‘it’s not grammatically correct’ hurdle because seriously, it is, you use them all the time as a singular pronoun already. 

The sticking point is that people don’t often use them consciously as singular pronouns. They only use they/them singular as a default when they don’t know someone’s gender such as when referring to an unknown person when they find an umbrella forgotten on a bus. To use they/them singular consciously seems to use different brain circuitry. 

Another component to this sticking point is that in those circumstances where they already use they/them singular, they are using it for someone who’s gender is unknown, not someone they know. Most people have an association with they/them pronouns as being ambiguous, vague, distant, a place-holder until you identify the person’s gender. So when we ask them to use they/them pronouns to refer to us, someone they know, it makes them feel like they are referring to us in a way that denotes distance in the relationship, not familiarity. 

When my husband socially transitioned and asked people to start using he/him pronouns, they struggled with it until their mental image of him was that of a male person instead of a female one. After that he was misgendered significantly less. This is another thing that creates difficulty with people adopting they/them and neopronouns. If people have a hard time conceptualizing nonbinary identities let alone applying that identity to me specifically, they will likely have a hard time automatically using the correct pronouns.  

I do have some strategies that I want to recommend to help people adopt a new name and/or pronouns if that is a change you want to make.

Request that they change your name or add your pronouns next to your name in their phone contact info for you. Every time you text or call they will be reminded of the correct name and pronouns. 

Have as many open conversations as you can with them about how you see yourself in terms of gender. The better they understand how you see yourself, the easier time they will have of changing their own mental image of you and therefore the name and pronouns that they associate with you. 

Have an ally with you who will model the correct name and pronouns. If you would like, this ally can also correct the other people’s use of name and pronouns or they can simply set a good example. 

Set ground rules about how you will correct their use of pronouns. You can use a code word, for example ‘potato’, every time they get it wrong, or you can correct them once during each interaction, if that’s all the energy you have, with the understanding that you expect them to correct themselves and each other from then on.

One suggestion I would stress is to make it clear that you expect them to use the correct pronouns and name for you even when you are not present and to correct each other if they get it wrong. This is the only way they will ever get it consistently right when you are around. 

OTHER GENDERED LANGUAGE

But of course, we can be misgendered by more than just our name or pronouns. There is lots of other gendered language that people use without realizing. 

There’s the everyday Ma’am and sir, ladies, guys, dude, bro, hey man, hey girl.

Then there’s the familial terms such as son, daughter, sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, ect

If people I have come out to use those everyday gendered terms to refer to me I will say a quick ‘nope!’ or ‘not a lady’, ‘not a girl’, in response. This will sometimes lead to a brief conversation of what they should say instead and as long as they follow through on that next time, it can be a helpful interaction. 

If someone I’m not out to yet consistently uses those terms, especially when including me in a group of women (which happens often at my workplace), I will simply not respond to the general greeting because it didn’t actually apply to me. If they address me specifically or follow up with something else, I’ll respond per usual. I have noticed that this subliminal messaging has a decent effect on some people that I interact with on a more regular basis. Whether they’re aware of it consciously or not, they use those terms less and less when referring to me or addressing me, and they’ll find another way to get my attention. 

For the more formal familial terms there are lots of gender neutral options. Mx. is the gender neutral honorific instead of Mrs, Ms, or Mr. It is pronounced Mix which can be used instead of ma’am and sir as well. Those are most often used in a customer service setting where they could just as easily leave them off and say ‘can I help you?’ or refer to you as a customer, patron, or shopper instead of a woman or man. There is nibling for niece or nephew, sibling instead of sister or brother, child or first-born, eldest, youngest, etc instead of son or daughter. The gender neutral version of aunt or uncle is more varied and personal though I personally like Untie (pronounced UN-tee).  

Parental names are a whole other story. There are so many options for parental terms that are not mom or dad that it is hard to narrow it down or find one that feels right. By the time this episode airs, I will hopefully be a new parent so this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. 

Not only what will the child call me but how will I enforce that term with other family members when they are referring to me when talking to the child, especially if I’m not out to all those family members yet? And how much more misgendering will I have to deal with once the child is going to school? 

I will talk about this more during episode 8 when I talk about nonbinary pregnancy and parenting. And I will definitely be posting updates on this journey as a nonbinary parent on my blog. If you subscribe, you’ll get the updates in your inbox.

More recently, during the pregnancy experience, I have encountered a ton of gendered language around pregnant people being referred to consistently as women, mom, or mom-to-be. 

When talking about breastfeeding there is also a huge lack of inclusive terminology. So naturally, I wrote a blog post about that too, with a list of inclusive terminology suggestions for pregnancy, birthing, and feeding a baby. I will be talking more about that in Episode 8 as well.

TAKE AWAY

During my own journey of navigating names, pronouns, and other gendered language, I discovered that all three of these aspects affect me differently. 

For example, as I mentioned, I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name, except for the times I’m feeling almost exclusively male. Even so, I do feel like I need some time as being identified as Ray, just to feel like I maintain a balance and a feeling of authenticity and visibility.

I’m comfortable with she/her pronouns about 50-75% of the time, he/him pronouns about 25% or less of the time, and they/them pronouns 100% of the time. 

I’m rarely if ever comfortable with the generic female gendered language such as ladies, ma’am, miss or girl. I’m much more comfortable with generic male gendered language including sir, man, bro, dude and guys. 

I’m ok with certain female gendered familial terms but only if I’ve had specific conversations with the other people involved in that relationship and know that they see me for who I am but still prefer to use the same term due to the emotional history between us. If they’re comfortable shifting to a neutral option, that is generally more comfortable for me. 

All this to say, just because your name, pronouns, and other language people use for you may all relate to the gender you were assigned at birth which you no longer identify as or feel comfortable with, it doesn’t mean that all three of these things, or any of them for that matter, have to be uncomfortable for you or that they are equally so. 

I recommend looking at each of these aspects separately and seeing if they actually cause varying degrees of dysphoria. How they feel may be different depending on the context, who is using that name, pronoun, or language, or how your gender feels at the time (especially if you’re genderfluid like me). 

If this gets overwhelming, feel free to email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember: You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 4 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 5 I will be talking about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, and how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again).

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender Season 2 Coming Soon!

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Hey everyone,

I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person, and the host of Let’s Talk Gender.

Coming up in September 2020 is season 2!

This season will be another eight episodes, this time around the topic of nonbinary identities and experiences. If you listened to Season 1 you got to hear from my husband about his experiences with transitioning. This season will be more of a radio host monologue style with just me as the host. 

Here’s a brief look at what this season will include:

  • Episode 1: Nonbinary identities and labels 
  • Episode 2: Exploring your gender as a nonbinary person 
  • Episode 3: Nonbinary gender presentation and expression 
  • Episode 4: Navigating names, pronouns, and other language 
  • Episode 5: Coming out as nonbinary
  • Episode 6: Complexities of nonbinary identities such as how they interact with sexual orientation and a deeper look at gender fluid identities 
  • Episode 7: Living in the world as nonbinary including using bathrooms, going to the gym, and what passing means as a nonbinary person
  • Episode 8: Pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person

You can find the podcast on any itunes populated platform or stream it from this website. You will also find the show notes for each episode on this website and if you subscribe, new episodes and blog posts will be sent to your inbox so you don’t have to remember to keep checking back! 

You can always get in touch with me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment on this website. I’d love to hear your thoughts, topic requests, or be a sounding board if I can. 

I’m really looking forward to this season. I hope you are too.

Talk to you soon!

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology

NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN

Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman.

I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. Some push back against it and some embrace it. I also know that pregnancy, birthing, and breastfeeding have been seen as traditional components of womanhood and there is a lot of push back against people who don’t identify as women claiming these experiences. There is also push back against people who identify as women not wanting to have these experiences and shame/stigma experienced by women who would like to have these experiences but are unable to for whatever reason.

I can’t fight against all these types of social marginalization, discrimination, and stigma in one post. I personally don’t see any of those judgments or identity based limitations as necessary, meaningful, or helpful. Everyone should be allowed to experience whatever aspects of childbearing, child caring, and child rearing they want and if they are unable to we should support them with community rather than shaming them. Regardless, I wanted to share my own personal experiences with this and some recommendations that might help others in the future.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Being pregnant and preparing for a baby requires consuming a huge amount of information and resources, most of which is presented as female-centric. I constantly have to filter out the language in order to apply this information to myself which is exhausting.

It is often hard to tell why I am uncomfortable with the information I’m consuming. Is it because it is all new, different, and overwhelming as anyone preparing for their first child can attest? Is it because picturing myself in that scenario triggers dysphoria which may mean I will need/want to avoid that situation or have a dysphoria management strategy in place? Or is it because the information is presented using language that is triggering dysphoria as I read it?

This makes it extra difficult to know what aspects of birthing and baby care will be more or less difficult for me gender-wise and how to prepare without stressing myself out about things that will be completely fine in the moment.

In order to sort through these reactions, I have joined trans/nonbinary support groups so I can see if I am equally as uncomfortable, anxious, or dyphoric when discussing the same topics with people who share my experiences and use affirming language. I also talk to my therapist and will have appointments scheduled for postpartum as well (highly recommend this for anyone able to access this service). Lastly, I have found The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin to be an invaluable source of balanced information presented almost entirely using gender neutral language.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND RESOURCES

Below is a table of some of the terminology that I have come across and some gender neutral or inclusive alternatives. I hope this helps steer resources and practitioners in a more trans inclusive direction.

Traditional LanguageTrans Inclusive Language
Pregnant women/womanPregnant people/person
Gestating people/person
Mother, mom, mommyParent
Gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Woman in labourPerson in labour
Labouring person
Birthing person
Father, dad, daddyParent, partner, co-parent
Support person
Non-gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Nursing Lactating
Feeding
Bodyfeeding
BreastfeedingChestfeeding
Breast/chestfeeding
Bodyfeeding
Breast milkHuman milk
Expressed milk

Please Note: I paired ‘Gestational parent’ with ‘Mother’ because traditionally, anyone gestating is labeled ‘Mother’ and resources that refer to the ‘Mother’ are often for gestating people in general. Some gestating people are men and will use the term ‘Father’ or other typically male parental term. Similarly, not all ‘Fathers’ are ‘Non-gestational parents’ – they might be the one who gestated the child! But traditional resources referring to the ‘Father’ often mean ‘Non-gestating parent’ or even just ‘Support person’.

The goal is to say what you mean. Do you mean ‘pregnant women’ specifically ie are you referring to a difference of experience between pregnant women and pregnant people of other gender identities? Or do you really mean ‘pregnant people’? Being inclusive isn’t difficult or mysterious. But it does require awareness of the breadth of identities and experiences and self awareness to say what you actually mean.

In addition to using trans-inclusive language, a basic understanding of what dysphoria is and how trans people who are pregnant, birthing, or postpartum may experience dysphoria is necessary for providing trans-inclusive care. Every trans person experiences dysphoria differently and will manage it differently. Knowing how to have those conversations with the gestating trans person in your life will make you a much better support person. As a support person, you are not responsible for identifying or managing their dysphoria for them. Simply knowing how to ask about it, being familiar with the language and experiences, will give them space to discuss it with someone who is showing care and support. Trust me, it makes a big difference.

If you are a birth worker (medically trained or not), here are some other resources that will help point you in the right direction:

  • Inclusive lactation style guide from International Lactation Consultant Association and why it matters
  • Gender Inclusive Language examples from Trans Care BC
  • Moss Froom: Trans & Queer Centered Doula & Childbirth Educator
  • Jenna Brown: Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth LLC
  • The Birth Partner, 5th Ed by Penny Simkin (also very good resource for gestating and birthing people and their supporters)

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Second Trimester Part 2

GENDER

Not much has changed gender-wise since my last pregnancy update (see Second Trimester Part 1). Being more visibly pregnant leads to more female language and more dysphoria. I have been able to manage by finding clothes that are generally affirming (larger sports bras rather than maternity bras and larger and longer ‘men’s’ t-shirts rather than maternity tops) though I have had to switch to maternity pants with the fake button, tiny pockets, but comfortable belly band.

Most of the conversations I’m having about gender are related to the baby’s gender (though most people mean sex – see Gender vs Sex). I have been trying to correct people’s use of the terms gender and sex and trying to explain to people why it’s important that the baby’s sex doesn’t matter and encouraging them to challenge their own conditioning about automatically asking about it. Most of the time I don’t have the energy for these conversations or the context isn’t conducive to this kind of conversation ie a stranger asking about the baby’s ‘gender’ in passing (yes, this happens frequently). The longer conversations I have had with friends and co-workers, when my response is received well, often segue into a conversation about trans identities, identity vs presentation, and sometimes even my own identity as nonbinary. So, while the question ‘What are you having?’ is very frustrating and mildly triggering, it has helped me come out to more people in a round-about way.

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I am still struggling with pain in my hips, pelvis, back, ribs, and occasional other joints. The worsening of this pain has slowed down with the sedentary duties at work and use of a walker or cane to get around. Other symptoms (heartburn, overheating, vivid dreams) are generally easy to manage.

The coolest thing is the baby movement. Hiccups are the cutest – a rhythmic little thump in one spot that someone else can feel from the outside. The kicks, elbows, knees, and punches range from interesting to surprising to painful. The squirming can be weird and nauseating but is also pretty cool how much it changes the shape of my belly and how visible it is from the outside. All these sensations remind me that I have a little human growing inside me. It is pretty amazing what my body can do.

THE MENTAL GAME

As I enter the third trimester of pregnancy, I have been doing a lot of thinking ahead to, and learning about labour, birth, and the postpartum experience. We have been taking prenatal classes (over Zoom of course) and I have been reading lots of books. The best one that I’ve found by far is called The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. It’s on it’s fifth edition and is written using predominantly gender neutral language – birthing person/labouring person, partner/support person, breast/chest feeding. While it’s aimed at the support person rather than the birthing person, I have found it very straightforwardly informative and affirming.

Learning about and preparing for the big scary experiences and changes ahead is my way of making them feel more manageable and less scary. I’m not generally an anxious person so I’m unlikely to make myself more scared by learning more. However, thinking about the future definitely takes my focus away from experiencing the moment, experiencing pregnancy to the fullest as it happens. So I’m trying to find a balance between the two by enjoying as many aspects of pregnancy as I can while managing the rest and preparing for the future.

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E3: Personal Transition: Gender Exploration

OVERVIEW

The first stage of transition is the personal exploration of your gender. We discuss what the process of exploring your gender feels like, how each of us figured it out in different ways, and what it’s like to be the partner of someone going through the gender exploration process.

Sorry for the variable sound quality. We are still trying out different set ups to find something that works for us.

SHOW NOTES

  • Exposure to a concept or identity that resonated with us
    • Looking up other people’s experiences on YouTube
    • Being fascinated by people’s experiences without knowing why until later
  • Finding language to express ourselves and define our identities
    • Other people’s labels don’t necessary feel right for you
    • The labels that feel right shift throughout the exploration process
    • The trans label comes with a lot of weight
    • Takes a while to find your own meanings for labels that fit
  • Exploration is often driven by the feeling of not fitting with the gender you were assigned at birth and how people relate to you as a result (dysphoria)
    • Trying to minimize it guides us in a direction towards our actual gender
    • Often have been experiencing dysphoria for a while but didn’t know what it was called and once we have the word for it it feels huge and way more painful than it did before
    • Physical dysphoria, social dysphoria, mental dysphoria
    • Fairly easy to tell what you are dyphoric about
  • Sometimes we encounter gender euphoria and exploration is driven by finding that experience again
    • Trying on different clothes when playing dress-up or secretly raiding a family member’s closet

Jake’s Experience

  • Minimal physical dysphoria, mostly social dysphoria
  • Voice causing people to gender him as female
  • Explorations
    • Cutting hair short
    • Wearing a binder
    • Trying a packer
    • More masculine style
  • Very nervous that people would notice immediately
  • Very scared of what the implications were of this feeling good, progressed very slowly
  • Looking for a new name
    • Flipping through baby books
    • Making a short list
    • Ordering different things online with a different name each time
    • Kept coming back to Jake and eventually it stuck
  • Eventually decided that he definitely did not feel comfortable being female
    • Even if he didn’t do any medical transition, he still felt more male than anything else
  • Exploration doesn’t end
    • Now that he is more comfortable in his maleness he is exploring some of the female things that he would never have done before
      • Longer hair
      • Nail polish
      • Earings back in

Meaghan Ray’s Experience

  • Exploration was a lot easier because they already new their identity but needed strategies to manage dysphoria, especially at work
    • Similar strategies as Jake
  • Had a very clear gender related experience in Grade 10 where they were a boy named Ray for a few days, then back to Meaghan, then back to Ray
    • Kept up for 2-3 months
    • Was very confusing and frustrating and destabilizing
    • Ended up making a list of personality traits for Meaghan and a list of personality traits for Ray, drew lines between the ones that matched, and from then on lived as that person
    • Buried the whole experience very deep until Jake started talking about gender and they found language and space to explore it in a positive way
  • Needed something more concrete to follow for exploration than Jake
    • You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox
    • Created a gender tracker to see how much their gender fluctuated between male and female for both physical and social sense of gender
    • Learned that their period affects their gender and that their physical and social sense of gender can shift separately which they will use different strategies to manage
  • Trying on a dress privately
    • Thought it would feel wrong but it felt like a non-binary person wearing a dress
    • It did not erase their sense of identity which was encouraging
  • At the end of exploration, they now have many more strategies that help and a much better understanding of who they are and how to express it to people

Partner Experience

  • Seeing Jake with a flat chest in a binder helped change Meaghan Ray’s mental image of him
  • If the partner is cis it can be very difficult to understand what’s happening
    • Some trans people are not willing to include the partner in their exploration process and just show up as their new self which is very threatening and sudden for the partner
    • Instead, Jake included Meaghan Ray in the process and they helped look stuff up, break things down into smaller steps so it was less scary, tested things out during a camping trip, provide encouragement and support
  • Your experience is your own
  • Need to find your own sources of support as a partner
  • Don’t know how to talk about it yet because everyone is still just figuring it out
  • The more open we are with each other the easier it is to keep our relationship strong
  • We happen to both be AFAB and heading in the male direction
    • Some strategies worked very well for both of us
    • Some things worked very differently for each of us
    • Some things worked for one of us but not at all for the other

Resources

  • FTM
    • YouTube Channels: Chase Ross at uppercasechase1, Ty Turner, Jammiedodger
    • Books: This One Looks Like a Boy
  • NB
    • Podcasts: Gender Rebels, They/Them/Theirs
    • YouTube Channels: Ashley Wilde, Ash Hardell
    • Instagram hashtags to create a community for yourself

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E1: Language and Labels

OVERVIEW

Language and labels are used to communicate our identities to others but for trans people, the first step of this process is finding language and labels to understand and define our own identities.

There is a ton of language that is specific to the trans community and trans experiences and identities. As the partner of a trans person, finding this language can be helpful but also overwhelming.

The social context and definitions of labels change over time. Labels should be tools for self-definition, not boxes that we force people in to. Having a variety of labels can help you communicate your identity in a variety of contexts and still feel authentic.

Our identities change over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed.

To listen to the full podcast episode, scroll down to the bottom of the page for the audio player or search for Let’s Talk Gender and subscribe in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

Language

  • Finding language to understand your own identity
    • Talking to people from the queer community
    • Looking things up online, YouTube
  • Having a lack of language makes it very difficult to understand your own identity
  • Feeling overwhelmed as a partner with all the new language and information
    • Often feel one step behind the trans person
    • Find your own resources and look up your own language and then ask the trans person if this matches their experience
  • Finding new language to refer to yourself and your body to make yourself more comfortable
  • The internal tension of referring to someone incorrectly to protect their identity/for their own safety
  • So much gendered language that we have to change beyond just pronouns when someone transitions
  • Communicating our identities to others requires bridging the gap between our understanding of language and terms and theirs
    • Can go along with the terms/narrative that others understand to achieve the goal of the conversation
    • Often takes a lot of energy to correct their use of language and explain the nuances
    • Very difficult to explain non-binary experience or request neutral terminology and pronouns (hopefully this will get better in the future)

Labels

  • Generational gap
    • Labels seen as negative from when they were used as slurs
    • Too much language, that it’s evolving too fast
    • Reclaimed language used in a positive way by younger people but still viewed as negative by older people
  • Labels being put on you can feel negative
    • It tells you how they are seeing you but doesn’t change who you are
  • Labels are terms for self-definition
    • Allow communication of your identity
    • Helps you find community
    • Helps you connect with people who have similar experiences
  • The more labels you have that you are comfortable with that have different connotations or definitions the more flexible you can be
    • Specificity vs generality
    • Widely understood vs newer or less well known terms
  • The interconnection of labels for sexuality and gender can make some labels easier to use than others
  • Feeling like you have to justify the labels you use can be frustrating and make you feel defensive
  • The labels we use
    • Trans, non-binary, co-gender
    • Queer, gay, neutrosexual, pansexual
    • Trans vs transgender vs transexual
  • Not everyone feels the need to have lots of labels or any at all and instead, prefer the more general terms
  • Our identities evolve over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed

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Talking About Your Gender Identity: When, Why, and How

Talking about your gender identity can be hard, draining, scary, and even jeopardize your safety. But it can also be hugely rewarding, allowing you to be open, honest, more comfortable, find the support you need, as well as educate others.

So how do you decide if it’s worth having those conversations? How do you know when the right time is? And how do you actually start the conversation or respond to a probing question?

The first and most important factor is safety. What risk is there to your safety, stability, and well-being, either physical, emotional, or financial, if the other person’s response is poor? Have you taken steps to protect yourself, provide alternatives, or ensure time to heal afterwards if their support is withdrawn or they become a threat? Are there other people around who might overhear that you would prefer not to tell?

You will always have fear with big conversations. We all do, no matter what the difficult topic is. But when you no longer want fear to stop you, that doesn’t mean you should simply ignore it and forge ahead. Fear is there for a reason and listening to it and taking steps to mitigate the risks as much as possible before opening that door is always a good idea. You will never feel 100% safe or be free of fear so at some point you have to decide you have taken as many steps to protect yourself as you can and press on.

The next thing that you might want to think about is your expectations for having the conversation. What do you want the result to be? What toll will it take on you? Is the outcome worth the cost? Do you expect an immediate response or are you planning to provide information for the other person/people to think about before responding? Knowing what you want the outcome to be and combining that with a realistic view of what is likely, given what you know about the people you are talking to, will help you steer the conversation in the direction you want and know when to back out.

The emotional cost of these conversations will be highest when you are talking to someone who is close to you and has high emotional impact or someone who has control over an area of your life where a negative response could have disastrous consequences. Something that might help you weather the hardest conversations is practicing with less intense versions. Tell friends or more distant family members first. This will give you a chance to find the right words, respond to questions and reactions, and learn how much of a toll it takes on you.

You can support yourself emotionally in a few different ways:

  • Make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in your own skin at the time of the conversation.
    • The more confidence you have the better so do whatever it takes to feel your best.
  • Have a friend or support system on standby to spend time with or be in touch with after the conversation.
    • Having the opportunity to debrief with someone you trust can help you process the outcome and implications of the conversation.
  • Build in some self-care time in the 24 hours after the conversation.
    • Journaling, creating, exercising, being in nature, doing something you enjoy can all help you regain a sense of balance and get back in touch with the core of who you are if you feel overwhelmed or thrown off kilter by the conversation.

These conversations are never easy. You can have them face to face right from the start or break the ice with an email or letter before following up face to face. You can figure out exactly who you are and what you want to say before talking to anyone or you can start having difficult conversations while you are still figuring things out (just be sure to be clear that it is an ongoing process and things might change). You can set a specific time with the person to talk about ‘something important’ or you can play it by ear and bring it up if there’s an easy segue. Leaving it to chance means the conversation has a high likelihood of not happening so if you’ve built yourself up to it and feel as prepared as you can be, setting a specific time or coming right out with it might be a better option.

If the topic comes up and presents you with a useful opening, always take a moment to consciously decide if you do want to talk about anything personal. How much do you want to disclose? Who is around? Is it a safe environment? Do you have the emotional reserve for this conversation right now? Will you have the opportunity to recover later? Would you decide to tell this person even if the opportunity didn’t present itself?

Because the conversations are so hard to initiate, we can sometimes feel like if the opportunity presents itself we should take it. But you should never feel pressured to disclose anything about your gender identity, even if the pressure is as mild as a good segue.

I promise these conversations get easier with time and practice. They are never without some risk and some cost to you but don’t let that stop you! I believe in you. I know you can do it.

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Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns

The most basic way to respect a trans person is by using their preferred name and pronouns whenever and wherever they have requested you do so. But there is much more to respecting someone’s gender than simply using the correct name and pronouns.

Most of the time, when we are talking directly to someone, we don’t use their name and pronouns. It’s only when we refer to them in third person or talk about something that happened in the past, and often this is when the person isn’t present. But there are other gendered terms that we often use directly to a person or a group of people that can either be damaging or affirming. This includes ladies, gentlemen, ma’am, sir, girl, dude, bro, etc.

In general, it is a good idea to avoid gendered language as much as possible. You cannot assume someone’s gender based on how they look, what they were assigned at birth, or what someone else may have told you. So using gender neutral or inclusive language is a good habit to get into.

As someone who works in a female dominated work environment, I hear these terms a lot. It is more likely that I will be hanging out with a woman. This makes it particularly easy for people to say ‘hey ladies’ or ‘thanks ladies’.

For me, having people use my birth name and she/her pronouns when I’m feeling more neutral or male is not nearly as uncomfortable as hearing other types of gendered language. The words that are the most uncomfortable when applied to me are things like girl, ladies, and ma’am.

Despite being genderfluid, there are no days that those specifically female terms feel good to me. Conversely, male-gendered language almost always feels good to me. At the same time, female pronouns generally feel ok where male pronouns would feel weird. So if I use female pronouns and all other gendered terms are male, it would be a way that both aspects of my gender could be recognized without changing my name and pronouns.

Since they/them pronouns feel good 100% of the time, that would be ideal. But I recognize that using they/them is difficult for many people and impossible as an expectation for strangers. So instead, I’ve been asking people to focus on avoiding the rest of the female gendered language that they typically would use.

So far, those conversations have been going well. I provide them with alternatives such as folks, friend, guys, everyone, or even some more masculine terms such as bro, dude, man, etc. When they slip up, I find it much easier to correct this type of gendered language than name and pronouns (at times when I’ve specified other ones). And since it feels consistently worse to hear those terms, I feel like I am having a much stronger impact on my day to day comfort with this strategy.

Does being misgendered by gendered language feel different to you than being misgedered by your name and pronouns? Did people have an easier time with adjusting these other terms or using a different name and pronouns after you came out? Let me know in the comments below!

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