Tag: Exploration

My Hero’s Journey, So Far

Here is how my gender journey lines up with the Hero’s Journey. Missed my previous post about Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey? Check that out first and then come back to read my story.

ORDINARY WORLD

When my husband started being identified as a man by strangers, their ingrained heteronormative views told them that I must be a woman. I started getting treated as more feminine when we were together and this didn’t sit right with me.

I had never been comfortable with the term lesbian, and instead had always called myself gay or queer.

In grade 10 I had a gender fluid experience where I would feel like a boy named Ray for a few days every few weeks, shifting back to feeling like a girl named Meaghan in between.

I grew up in a very liberal and supportive environment but at the inception of my gender journey I had moved away and was working in a more conservative and very hetero- and cis-normative environment.

CALL TO ADVENTURE

Part way through my husband’s transition, I realized that I was definitely experiencing dysphoria as well. We had been attending local PFLaG meetings and had been listening to people describe a range of identities and experiences. Some of these, especially the more androgenous, gender neutral, gender fluid, and nonbinary ones, really resonated with me.

REFUSAL OF THE CALL

However, my husband was still in the middle of navigating how to get top surgery, how to change all his legal documentation, and what to do about continually being misgendered at work, months after coming out. From witnessing his experiences and hearing about similar experiences from the community, I knew that exploring your gender and clarifying for yourself who you are and what you need to feel authentic can make not having those things feel a whole lot worse.

Knowing that my husband still needed a lot of my support and I was not working in an environment that would be condusive to coming out as nonbinary, I decided to put off all gender related self-discovery for the time being.

MEETING THE MENTOR

As soon as my husband felt fairly stable in his transition, he encouraged me to do my own gender exploration work. As a result of his transition, he finally felt ready to be a parent (being able to picture himself as a dad instead of a mom) but also did not want to be the one to be pregnant. This meant that, if possible, I would be the carrying and birthing parent.

There is so much unknown and out of your control in the process of trying to conceive, pregnancy, and birthing. I didn’t want gender related feelings to be one more. So I started to explore what felt not so great, what felt awesome, and how my gender felt on a daily basis.

CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

Turns out I am nonbinary. I discovered that I have both female and male genders which balance out to an overall experience that is a mix of the two or ‘somewhere in the middle’. I discovered that I do have some physical dysphoria during which times I feel better if I wear a binder (if my body can tolerate it). I discovered that I have significant social dysphoria and feel much better when referred to using they/them pronouns and neutral language.

The physical dysphoria I could manage pretty well with some practice. The social dysphoria was a whole other story, especially at work.

TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES

Partly as a result of constant social dysphoria, I started expriencing periods of burnout that would last 1-2 months and re-occur every 4-6 months.

I had a few new colleagues at work that were queer and super supportive and a few others that I slowly built friendships with and eventually came out to. These allies, especially at work, were a major help on bad dysphoria days.

I had a colleague who was also a friend come out as nonbinary. Unfortunately, the support from the management team was not in place and did not appear when they needed it. There were very few allies around them and they were continually misgendered, had repeated conflicts with coworkers, and ultimately moved to a different job. As an example of what it would be like for me to come out at work, it was a pretty clear one.

Navigating the world of fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum as a nonbinary person is extremely difficult. There were times I found community and resources and felt like I could belong. There were also times that were nauseating and traumatic that I will carry with me for life.

APPROACH TO THE INNERMOST CAVE

While I was on parental leave (for a whole year – go Canada!), and in the middle of a global pandemic, I had minimal interaction with the outside world unless I reached out for it. I had significantly less dysphoria and significantly less burnout, despite being a new parent in a pandemic. This told me that my burnout was indeed primarily dysphoria related and in order to feel more comfortable in my life, and have the emotional reserve I wanted and needed to support my child, I would need to make some changes. I would need to find spaces that I was comfortable being out in. And I would need to be out in as many spaces as I could.

This was especially true around family. I wanted my kid to grow up hearing people refer to me using the correct pronouns. This meant I would first have to explain my identity to everyone my kid would be interacting with regularly (namely family) and train everyone to use my pronouns and preferred language. This would take time and my kid was growing up at a steady pace. I had to come out to family before my kid started understanding what pronouns meant and remembering and repeating phrases from those around them.

THE ORDEAL

The first step I took was to apply to a graduate school program using my preferred name, pronouns, and gender identity. I was open with my supervisor from the beginning and made it clear in my application that my identity and lived experience was a big part of why I wanted to do research work. This meant that in September, when I started school, I had the foundation and backup to expect that everyone refer to me correctly. When they don’t, I have significantly more confidence to correct them than I ever have in other environments.

When my kid was about ten months old, I bit the bullet and came out to my in-laws (who live near us) and my parents (who live across the country but were coming for a month-long visit). I did this via email with the hope of some reply, either of support or questions or concerns that I could respond to. Mostly, there was silence and confusion. I had a brief follow up conversation with my in-laws and, after a period of awkwardnes and tension, saw some awereness and progress. My sister had many follow up conversations with my parents on my behalf but I had minimal expectation that they would be able to/willing to follow through and change their use of pronouns for me during their visit.

However, their visit happened to coincide with work I was doing to develop inclusive training material for a health professions college. They were curious about my work which gave me an opening to talk about many of the issues trans people face in health care settings (mostly related to ignorance and being misgendered). The materials I was developing included a ‘bad’ version of a health care interaction and a ‘good’ version. I sent them both versions and we had a few conversations about why the ‘bad’ version was ‘bad’ and why it was important to interact in ways that were depicted in the ‘good’ version. They were able to grasp these concepts significantly better than the information my sister had attempted to explain, perhaps because it wasn’t directly about them and thus did not make them feel as defensive. They almost immediately started making an effort to use my correct pronouns. While they weren’t great at it, and they will likely back-slide between in-person visits, this was more progress than I expected and I took it as a positive sign.

REWARD

It’s an increadible feeling, being seen. It’s even better when you don’t have to fight for it first. I now have numerous allys who actively step in to do the educating and, if necessary, fighting, on my behalf. I am better at advocating for myself (or getting better at it slowly), and better at identifying situations where having an ally would be useful and then recruiting one.

Confidence, euphoria, authenticity, and visibility are pretty good rewards. Do I wish I didn’t have to fight for them? Sure. But it’s still worth the fight.

THE ROAD BACK

I now spend the majority of my time working in an inclusive environment with my name and pronouns displayed correctly on my zoom screen during ‘meetings’. I have more bandwidth to apply to my work and family. I have not had a period of burnout in over a year despite having a baby during a pandemic. I am able to exercise despite the accompanying dysphoria because, for the majority of the time, I experience more euphoria than dysphoria. I can recover easily from the few days I spend in my previous work environment where I am still not out (and likely will never be).

I am using my unique experiences and perspective to help others make their work more inclusive. I am being recognized for the value of my experiences and identity rather than ‘supported’ or ‘accommodated’.

I am thinking about the future and what I might want for myself in my transition. Are there ‘next steps’? I have a long road to recovery from pregnancy related body changes and have chosen to focus on this prior to pursuing anything further related to transition. Though, likely, at some unknown point in the future, I would like to have some form of top surgery. Will this be my ‘Ressurection’? Who knows! If you stay tuned, you’ll likely find out when I do!

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Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey

The heroes in our favourite stories all start out as ordinary people. Their journeys often follow a similar pattern as they face trials and tribulations, discover their inner strength, and return triumphant. Joseph Campbell orginally described this story arc using 17 stages (and fairly problematic language). It has since been revised into 12 stages, most recently by Christopher Vogler.

As it turns out, these stages match the emotional stages of a gender transition pretty closely. Which means trans people are all heroes or heroes-in-training!

Here’s how it looks:

There are three parts: Departure (the beginning), Initiation (the middle), and Return (the end). These are broken down into the 12 stages.

The journey starts with the hero in the ordinary world living in a harsh and unforgiving external light in a state of unhappiness, stress, ignorance, and/or confusion.

They move to a new, extraordinary, or special world during the Initiation phase. Here they move through darkness as they struggle to discover their own internal source of light.

They then return to the ordinary world in a state of triumph and rebirth, having learned how to shine brightly from withinwith. They now have a new perspective, skill, or, in our case, identity.

As I was thinking about the steps in the Hero’s Journey and lining them up with the experience of gender transition, it was interesting how easy it was to see. Some of the original wording even makes sense without changing much except the context.

Let’s break it down and look at each of the twelve steps:

Stage 1: Ordinary World

Classic: The hero is uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware. They are living a life at the mercy of their enviornment, heredity, and personal history. The hero feels pulled in different directions and is stressed by the dilemma.

Trans: You are living with confusion and discomfort, just trying to get by with no language or understanding of why you feel different, that there is a way to relieve your distress, or what path your life is going to take.

Stage 2: Call to Adventure

Classic: Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change.

Trans: You discover that your discomfort might be gender related by meeting a trans person, seeing a trans person represented in media, or learning about language, labels, or experiences that feel right for you.

Stage 3: Refusal of the Call

Classic: The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly. This uncertainty may be voiced by someone else rather than the hero themself.

Trans: You have immense fear about the enormity of what this would mean for your life. This fear takes over and you ignore what you have just learned, bury the knowledge deep down, convince yourself that you don’t need to transition or don’t need to think about this. You try as hard as you can to fit in with what is expected of you or numb/ignore this awareness.

Stage 4: Meeting the Mentor

Classic: The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives them training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey. Or the hero reaches within to a mentor from their past or an internal source of courage and wisdom.

Trans: You meet someone who sees you for who you are and encourages you to delve into yourself. This could be a trans or queer person from the community who is living their best life and provides the experience and support you need, a therapist that starts helping you unpack your gender identity and dysphoria, or a close friend or family member who is no longer willing to let you hide from your truth.

Stage 5: Crossing the Threshold

Classic: The hero commits to leaving the ordinary world and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values.

Trans: You come out to yourself, accepting yourself for who you are, accepting your true authentic gender identity. You are flooded by understanding, fear, excitement, confusion, discomfort, and determination.

Stage 6: Tests, Allies, Enemies

Classic: The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the new, special world.

Trans: You now know why you’ve felt uncomfortable your whole life and being able to point to and name dysphoria makes it so much bigger, louder, and more constant. You search the internet for trans information and find a huge community on social media platforms and many local and national organizations that offer support. At the same time, you start recognizing all the transphobic and cisnormative language around you and feel like no one in your life will accept you for who you are.

Stage 7: Approach to the Innermost Cave

Classic: The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the special world.

Trans: You collect information from allies about coming out and navigating transition which helps you clarify for yourself what you want/need. This intensifies the dysphoria which gets harder and harder to deal with, especially when you haven’t told anyone yet. The internal pressure of knowing what you want, who you are, and how you want to be seen builds, pushing against the confines of the closet until…

Stage 8: Ordeal

Classic: The hero enters a central space in the special world and confronts death or faces their greatest fear. Out of this moment of ‘death’ comes a new life.

Trans: You decide that coming out is worth the risk, worth the loss of those that don’t support you, worth the potential harm in order to be who you are. You take the first steps to telling others who you are, breaking down that wall one brick at a time, or by driving a bulldozer straight through it and coming out to everyone at once.

Stage 9: Reward (Seizing the Sword)

Classic: The hero takes possession of the treasure they won by facing death. There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.

Trans: Some people you come out to start using your correct name and pronouns and you have your first real taste of gender euphoria and what it could feel like to live as the person you are. Not everyone is supportive or consistent and dysphoria continues to fight it’s way in. You fight to hold onto your confidence in who you are and your resolve to seek what you need, using the bursts of gender euphoria as your guiding light.

Stage 10: The Road Back

Classic: The hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the special world to be sure the treasure is brought home. Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.

Trans: You learn how to integrate your new trans identity with your life at work, home, and school, with friends and family, and in social activities, hobbies, and sports. You struggle to navigate and access the medical care and legal services you want/need in order to be safe and feel authentic in your body and identity. You are desperate for the changes and progress yet they happen at a maddeningly slow pace.

Stage 11: Resurrection

Classic: The hero is tested once more on the threshold of home. They are pruified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level. By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.

Trans: You start to recognize the person in the mirror, be recognized correctly by people around you more often than not, and feel more comfortable in your body. You come up to and cross a milestone of significance for you in your transition (starting hormones, top surgery, changing your gender marker, bottom surgery, etc) with all the doubt, fear, excitement, relief, pain, re-learning, and celebrating that comes with it.

Stage 12: Return with the Elixir

Classic: The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.

Trans: You reach a sense of completion related to your transition or have found confidence and peace in the sense of an ongoing and lifelong gender discovery and evolution. You are living authentically, supporting others who are questioning their gender or know someone who is, expanding your society’s view of gender and authenticity, and maybe even advocating for trans rights. Huzzah!

What an epic journey! Can you see yourself, or the trans person you love, as a hero? What stage of your Hero’s Journey are you at?

I know everyone’s transition is different. Are there stages that line up differently based on your experience?

If you add in specific details that match your own experience, what story does it tell? Who were the mentor, allies, and enemies? What tests did you face? What treasure do you carry with you to this day? What final milestone did you face and overcome during your stage of resurrection?

What was the timeline of each stage, and the journey as a whole? Did it progress in a linear fashion the way it sounds like it would here?

Share your story in the comments or send it to me in an email! If you’re willing to share it, I’ll publish it here as a post! The more stories the better. We need more variety of trans experiences and we need more trans heroes!

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Trans Affirmations

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

My experience is real.
My experience, my identity, and my life have value. 
I deserve to take up space.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I do not owe anyone an explanation of my gender. 
I have control over my own identity. 
I have a right to any label that feels right for me.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I do not owe anyone an explanation of my transition process.
There is no 'right way' to be trans.
My transition is my own process and I don't need to compare to anyone else. 
I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

While I am trying to avoid dysphoria, I will seek out gender euphoria.
I will seek out what feels right. 
I will do what makes me feel whole. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I love my body for being my vessel in this world. 
My body belongs to me and no one else. 
My body is capable of amazing things. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of love.
I am enough.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I can do this. 
One step at a time. 
I will go at my own pace. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I am allowed to be scared. 
I am allowed to let people assume I am cis.
Doing this does not make me a coward. 
Doing this does not make me less trans. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

There is a community out there that understands and supports me.
When I have the energy, I will advocate for myself and my community.
When I do not, I will find ways to protect, care for, and be kind to myself.

Because I am important. 
And my voice matters.

What words do you find affirming? What do you remind yourself of in the face of transphobic politics, family members, and workplaces? Add your words of strength, encouragement, and assurance to mine by leaving a comment.

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Discovering My Identity as a Parent

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my identity as a parent. Yes, as someone who has a child I am responsible for, I am automatically deemed a parent. But what does that actually mean for me as a person? What does it mean to identify as a parent? How does this new part of my identity mesh or clash with other components of who I am?

As a queer person, I have an understanding that identity is fluid, multifaceted, and individual. I have had the experience of exploring new aspects of my identity as a gay person and as a nonbinary person. In drawing parallels with my new experience as a parent, I had a bit of an ‘aha’ moment that I wanted to share with you.

STAGES OF QUEER IDENTITY DEVELOPMENT

For me, discovering and exploring aspects of my queer identity followed a similar process: from unaware/baseline, to awareness, resistance, exploration, acceptance, immersion, and finally, integration. My process of moving through these stages was different when I was discovering my sexuality vs my gender.

Before figuring out I was gay I was assumed to be straight but really I didn’t have much sense of my own sexuality. Figuring out I was gay involved very little resistance for me because of the liberal environment I was raised in. I went from awareness to exploration to acceptance very quickly. I was still in early high school at that point with little autonomy for accessing the queer community. But as soon as I went to university away from home, I entered the immersion stage and became involved in the queer club, went to all the queer events, hung out with primarily queer friends, and went to queer bars. I always had something rainbow on, hung my rainbow flag on my door, and talked about queerness every chance I got. Over a couple years, this faded to being just one component of my identity (integration).

Figuring out I was nonbinary went through the same stages but at a very different rate. Despite having a gendery experience in high school, I remained unaware of my non-cis gender identity for years after and probably would have said I was a woman. During my husband’s transition I became aware of nonbinary identities and developed an awareness of my own but did not feel like I had the energy to explore it or deal with the consequences that exploration might bring. I remained in the resistance stage for at least two years. By the time I finally got the space and courage to explore my gender, I already knew that I was nonbinary and had accepted it, I just didn’t know what to do about it. So I immersed myself in this part of my identity for six months to a year, figuring out all the different facets of my gender, how to explain it to people, and connecting with a gender diverse group of friends. This has slowly faded to a more integrated level but remains a larger part of my overall identity than being gay did.

The ‘coming out’ process started at different points for these two identities. I came out as gay immediately after the acceptance stage, before immersion. I am still working on coming out as nonbinary despite being somewhere between the immersion and integration stages.

HOW THIS RELATES TO MY IDENTITY AS A PARENT

Because of the external and concrete nature of being a parent, the first couple stages don’t apply as much. I wasn’t a parent, and then, suddenly, I was. However, the process of resistance through to integration is more about the emotional and personal relationship with this new aspect of my identity, so I think it still applies.

So where am I at in the process? At this stage of things, four and a half months in, I’m still not really sure what it means to be a parent. I’ve been resisting my new parental identity because I didn’t want to lose the rest of who I am. If I lose who I am, all my emotions will be tied up in how well I feel like I’m doing as a parent. And since there are many aspects of this parenting thing that I have no control over, that seemed like a dangerous game.

Then I realized that ‘losing who I am’ was part of the process – the immersion stage. I had been too scared of what that would feel like to allow myself to move through the stages of exploring this new identity. Since making this connection, I have quickly moved from exploration to acceptance and, a bit nervously, into immersion.

It definitely feels different to allow myself to become immersed in an aspect of my identity and existence that is so strongly dependent on something external to myself. I feel like I have less control over my exploration process (and therefore, how it will integrate with the rest of my identity in the long run) than I did with the queer aspects of my identity. Add to that the fact that we are in the middle of a global pandemic and therefore have limited access to the social activities and groups that I might engage in as part of the immersion stage.

Needless to say, exploring my identity of being a parent will be different from exploring my queer identities. Regardless, I can’t jump straight from acceptance to integration. But maybe, since the identity of being a parent is a more external one, so too is the immersion process. Who I am internally, all those pieces I have fought to understand and accept, can stay where they are. I’m not going to ignore my experience as a nonbinary person while figuring out what it means to be a parent. I’m going to figure out what it means to be a nonbinary, queer parent.

What stages did you go through in exploring your queer identity? How did you feel in your role as a new parent? Leave me a comment to share your experiences. I’d love to know how you navigated these transformational experiences.

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Gender in Isolation

In the time of the COVID 19 pandemic, many of us are living in physical isolation. We have significantly less social interaction, especially with strangers, and the majority of our social time is over the internet using video chat. Depending on your situation, this time of isolation may have been helpful or harmful as it relates to your gender. For me, it has been a bit of both.

My experience of isolation, in general, has been positive. I live with a supportive spouse, I have job and housing security, and I haven’t had any major medical incidents (other than giving birth to our baby). I know this is not the case for everyone, especially queer and trans people. Many are isolated with family members that are not supportive of their identity or even abusive. Many have lost their income. Many have had major mental or physical health crises. If your experience differs from mine, I would love to hear about it. Please share in the comments or send me an email. However, I will stick to my own experiences for the purposes of this post.

HELPFUL ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Separating Physical and Social Dysphoria Triggers

When I am home alone, or with only my spouse, the majority of my dysphoria goes away. This has made it even more obvious to me how much of my dysphoria is triggered by social interactions and how important it is for me to build a life for myself where I am predominantly in supportive environments. The flip side of this is that it also has shown me what aspects of my dysphoria are present regardless of social interaction. These are physical and part of my experience even when I’m by myself.

For example, I always assumed my dysphoria related to my chest was triggered by having other people see me as female as a result of the shape of my chest. Turns out I have almost the same amount of dysphoria even when I’m by myself, it’s just easier to ignore because it’s not compounded by all the other socially triggered parts of dysphoria.

Decreased Social Dysphoria

About 75% of my dysphoria is triggered by social situations. This includes being misgendered, hearing female language used to refer to me, and being expected to look and act a certain way. Since being in isolation, I have had so much less exposure to these triggers that I have way more energy and emotional bandwidth to spend on other things, like taking care of my four month old!

Seeing how much of a difference this has made has given me incentive to try to be open about my gender when interacting with new people and even work on coming out to other people in my life. Hopefully over time this will shape my social environment into a more supportive one that has fewer triggers for dysphoria.

Space to Experiment in Safety

Though I haven’t felt the need to experiment in the last few months as I have done a fair amount of this already, I have found isolation necessary to experiment in the past. Trying something in private has always been the first step in seeing how I feel about it gender-wise. If it feels good, I’ll try it in a queer inclusive space next. If it doesn’t, I’m always glad I tried it on my own first.

The isolation isn’t just good for the experimentation but also for the process of building up courage and taking care of myself afterwards. Sometimes this means laying out what I want to try and just holding it up to myself or feeling it before trying it on. Sometimes it means having time to take pictures or look in the mirror. Sometimes it means changing into comfy clothes and working out or cleaning afterwards to get rid of excess energy and re-ground myself in my body. Almost always, it means having time to journal about the experience either immediately after or a day or two later. Having to interact with others while feeling vulnerable and confused about the experience is extremely taxing. So doing the experiments is always easier during a period of isolation.

DIFFICULT ASPECTS OF ISOLATION

Testing Public Reactions

Often when I make a change to my appearance or behaviour I am doing it in an attempt to influence how other people see me and interact with me. Seeing how the change influences others can’t be done without social interaction. This means that while I may find ways of being that I am very comfortable with for myself, it may not have the effect I’m hoping for when I’m out in public or at work. This stage of experimentation will have to wait for when the social isolation has ended.

Coming Out and Reinforcing the Change

Being in isolation may have given me the bandwidth to build up courage to come out to more people and shown me how necessary it is but it doesn’t allow me to reinforce the changes that others have to make as a result. Coming out as trans or nonbinary requires a bunch of work from the other party. For me, this usually includes changing the pronouns and language they use to refer to me. Most people can’t do this without significant practice. And most people need to be corrected when they get it wrong before they start to correct themselves or get it right on the first try.

Without the regular social interaction following coming out, I can’t do this repeated correcting and reinforcing. Sometimes this means the change in how they refer to me happens slower, and sometimes it stalls and doesn’t happen at all and I have to repeat the coming out process at a later date.

Separation from Queer and Trans Support

While the global pandemic has led to many support groups moving online and therefore becoming accessible to me even though I don’t live in the area, it has also led to not having access to my in person, local group of queer and trans friends. There’s something different about meeting in person that I don’t get from an online group. I miss it and I’m looking forward to the days when I can get it back.

How has isolation influenced your relationship with your gender, either recently or in the past? Leave me a comment or send me an email with your thoughts and experiences!

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When Your Name or Pronouns Fluctuate

Many people that have a fluid gender identity use different names and/or pronouns at different times. Figuring out how to make this work for you can be a challenge, and then following through and making it happen is even harder.

I’m still learning how to do this but I thought I’d share what I’ve learned so far.

KNOW YOURSELF

The first step to knowing what pronouns or name you prefer at a given time or in a given context is to figure out how your gender fluctuates. I did this by tracking my gender daily on a scale of 5 female to 0 neutral to 5 male for the span of a month and a half. You can make up whatever scale works for you.

I also made note of my other activities, habits, emotional state, and menstrual cycle. Correlating the shifts in my gender with these other factors gave me a much better sense of what influenced my gender and how the shifts in my gender influenced my mood and behaviour.

Tracking my gender daily forced me to check in with myself. I learned what to pay attention to within myself to indicate where my gender was sitting and what strategies would be useful to minimize dysphoria and maximize euphoria. This is a hugely important skill for anyone who’s gender fluctuates. Even now, a couple years after the gender tracking that I did, I am much more in tune with where my gender is sitting, when dysphoria is affecting me, and what I can do about it.

Once you know how much your gender fluctuates and what influences it, you can have a better idea of when you’d be more comfortable with one name or pronoun over another. This still takes real world testing to be sure. So finding an online community who will refer to you however you wish on a given day (or a platform that allows you to change your username at each log in) or an in person group of at least two friends who will help you trial names and pronouns.

Now you know how your gender fluctuates and what name and pronoun you want people to use with each state of your gender. Next you have to decide how to find a balance between the different states of your gender and how to go about asking other to refer to you.

STRUCTURED APPROACH

My gender doesn’t fluctuate a whole lot and usually sits close to an equal balance between my male and female components. So I’m almost always most comfortable with they/them pronouns. But in my case, I don’t have a single name that is gender neutral, I have one name for my female side and a different name for my male side.

My job is such that it doesn’t feel feasible to have people refer to me by anything other than my female name and she/her pronouns. So in order to find an overall balance, I decided to use my male name and they/them pronouns almost exclusively in queer spaces.

Maybe you have a supportive work environment but you’re not out to your family yet. You may chose to use your ‘trans’ identity at work because you are always referred to by the name and pronouns you were assigned at birth when you’re at home.

Whatever the case, if there is one area of your life where you feel restricted in your ability to come out or advocate for yourself, this approach may be the best option to still allow you a sense of balance and a chance to experience all aspects of your identity.

GO WITH THE FLOW APPROACH

For some people, their gender fluctuates too often or on too wide a spectrum for the structured approach to feel comfortable. So the other option, if your life circumstances allow, is to go with the flow. This means that however you feel at a given moment, you indicate or request to be referred to by the corresponding name and pronouns.

This approach give you a lot more flexibility and perhaps a stronger sense of authenticity but it requires more clear signaling and more frequent self-advocacy.

GLOBAL APPROACH

Another option is to find a middle ground of where the different components of your gender overlap and use that as your default with the option to request a different name or pronoun if needed.

Or perhaps your gender is in one state the majority of the time and only occasionally fluctuates to a different state. You could use the most common state as your default and only specify when it differs.

Or, like me, perhaps you have a way to refer to yourself that encompasses your entire identity. I am 100% of the time comfortable with they/them pronouns and prefer to be referred to by both my names as though they are hyphenated. I can still specify differently if I need to but this gives me a lot of safety and authenticity.

Whichever system works for you, or if you come up with a completely different one, you will need a way to indicate or express to others how you wish to be referred to.

SIGNALING

One way to indicate to others which name and pronoun to use is via non-verbal indicators or signals. This can be anything from clothing to jewelry to behaviours to pins or name tags.

If you feel most comfortable presenting in a distinct way with each different state of your gender, you can use your general presentation to indicate to others how they should refer to you. This will still take a bit of explanation initially and maybe a few reminders but, in general, would be pretty straighforward.

If you present fairly similarly regardless of your gender or your presentation doesn’t relate to your gender in that way at all, you can use other means to signal your gender. I have a necklace that has Meaghan on one side and Ray on the other. Most of the time I wear it inside my shirt but if I’m in an environment where it is safe to do so, I will wear it outside my shirt with the Ray side facing out as a reminder to others of how to refer to me. You can do something similar with a bracelet, name tag, pronoun or name pin, or more subtle means such as a certain piece of jewelry indicating a certain name/pronoun combo.

Keep in mind that the more subtle the signal is, the more explanation and reminders it will take for people around you to pick up on it and get it right. But if you’re in a potentially unsafe environment, subtle might be necessary for safety.

ADVOCATING

No matter what signals (if any) you choose to use, you will always have to have some sort of conversation with those around you to explain that your gender fluctuates and you wish to be referred to by a different name and/or pronoun depending on the situation or the day and how they will know which one to use. This initial coming out conversation is difficult for any trans person but especially for those with a fluid gender that doesn’t fit binary notions of gender. See Related Posts at the bottom of the page for ideas on how to have this conversation.

As with any trans person, you will also have to correct people when they get your name and/or pronouns wrong. When your gender fluctuates and the name/pronoun you use changes, it takes even longer for those around you to get used to it and inevitably causes even more slip-ups. So decide how often you want to correct people and how best to do it. This will likely depend on your relationship with that person and the context you’re in at the time.

One good practice to get into the habit of is introducing yourself using your name and pronouns every time you meet someone. Not just someone new, even people who know you and already understand your gender. Something like ‘Hi [friend], I’m Ray and using they/them pronouns today’ works well.

Also let the friends and family you interact with regularly and who you’re out to that if you forget to inform them of your name and pronoun at the beginning of an interaction, it is helpful for them to ask about it or cue you to indicate if it isn’t clear from your signaling. How they ask is up to you and again, will likely depend on your relationship with them and the context.

Sometimes, all it takes is having one ally in the room who you have informed ahead of time what name and pronoun to use. Their role is to find an opportunity to refer to you using that name and pronoun within the first minute of you arriving and as often as necessary throughout the event.

IMPORTANCE OF GLOBAL IDENTITY

When you have a fluid gender identity with multiple components it can be easy to get caught up in the parts and forget about the whole. For me, it important to take a step back to make sure I am achieving an overall balance that works for me, even if I can’t get people to refer to me the way I’d prefer in every situation.

The goal of all this work and advocacy is to be able to experience and be comfortable with all parts or aspects of your gender. To get to express yourself in the most authentic way no matter what your gender is. So try not to get caught up too much in the details of every interaction and instead aim for an overall more authentic and gender-filled existence.

I hope this helps give you some ideas of how to navigate the world when your gender and therefore name and/or pronouns fluctuate. Comment with your own experiences, send me an email, or reach out on social media. You can find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E3: Nonbinary Gender Presentation and Expression

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender. 

This episode is about nonbinary gender presentation and expression and how to figure out what works for you. 

EXPLORING MY GENDER PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

I think of presentation as things people would see in a picture – clothes, hair style, makeup, facial hair, accessories. Expression is everything else – behaviours, voice, how you walk, gesture, and move, conversation style, word choice.

As I was raised female and I am generally identified as a woman by strangers, I started by adopting a more masculine clothing style. I did this before I even knew it was a gender thing. This was a fairly low risk change in presentation because it is acceptable for women to dress more masculine in my social culture. However, the same is not true for someone who is typically identified as a man by strangers who wants to dress more femininely. For that person, a change in clothing might come much later in the process of exploring presentation and expression.

Body hair was another aspect of my appearance that I figured out fairly early on. I was never comfortable with shaving my legs and intermittently comfortable with shaving under my arms. So I followed my instincts with those, again, well before knowing it was even a gender thing. 

I have never had facial hair and haven’t experimented with it since I never felt like I wanted any though I have been thinking more about it lately and might try some experiments with makeup in the future. 

My hairstyle was next. I had always had longer hair but kept it tied back. I cut it shorter for cuts for cancer one year and loved it. I never went back to having full long hair but didn’t have the guts to keep it short either. Then the undercut style came into fashion which was prefect for me – the one time I actually wanted to follow along with a fashion trend! I slowly went from an undercut to a side cut, to just cutting the whole thing short. This was the single most euphoric thing I have done in terms of presentation. Even now, about two years later, every time I get a haircut it feels great. 

As someone who has breasts, I also wanted to try a binder. Having experienced my husband using a binder during his transition, I already knew that I would love how this looked and felt. Unfortunately due to a medical condition, I can’t wear it for very long or for more than two days in a row but this usually suits me fine as my gender fluctuates somewhat and usually doesn’t stay in the ‘male’ range for very long. I have since experimented with Trans Tape as well which definitely has a learning curve but on the third try I got a good result that I was comfortable with and will definitely keep it as an option in the future.

I have also experimented with wearing a small packer. This is something that was especially terrifying in public but I have come to realize that it is much more noticeable to me than to anyone else. So I mostly do it for the feel rather than the look. I find it particularly useful when I can’t wear my binder due to pain or length of time before I’ll have a chance to change, but I’m feeling more male and have moderate physical dysphoria. 

In terms of expression, I always naturally had a more neutral or masculine interaction style and didn’t have to work particularly hard to get rid of the more feminine mannerisms. However, I have noticed this to be more of a struggle for some nonbinary people, especially those who were socialized male. Often we are unaware of which of our mannerisms are being read as masculine or feminine by those around us until it is pointed out so if changing your expression is important to you, I recommend finding a trusted friend who is typically read by strangers the way you want to be read and have them give you feedback on your behvaiours, mannerisms, and conversation style. 

One aspect of expression I did specifically work on (and am still conscious of) is the pitch of my voice. As I’ve mentioned before on this podcast, when my husband’s voice lowered when he started taking testosterone, my voice sounded high in comparison. I worked at lowering the range of my voice and speaking in the lower part of my range until it became natural. Luckily I did have some singing training so I had lots of exercises that I knew how to do to strengthen or change the range of my voice. But if you don’t have this type of training you can definitely look up apps that will take you through these exercises.

I also became more conscious of how much I was apologizing and how often I would move over on a sidewalk or in a hallway, especially if a man was walking towards me and tried to avoid doing these things if they were unnecessary and simply a programmed reaction from being socialized female. 

THERE ARE NO RULES

The practical aspects of what you want to change about your gender presentation and expression and how you explore that are going to be different for everyone.

When I was looking for ideas of what to try that might feel good for me, I found Instagram to be very helpful. I followed nonbinary hashtags and found people to follow who had a look that I wanted to emulate. 

Remember there are no rules when it comes to nonbinary presentation and identity, despite what the media tells us. Nonbinary does not equal young, thin, white, assigned female at birth. Nonbinary presentation does not have to equal androgyny.

There is no such thing as ‘presenting as nonbinary’. Presentation and identity are two separate things. Do what feels right for you. 

HOW TO EXPLORE YOUR PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

But how do you figure out what feels right for you when the options are limitless? I’ll talk you through a step-by-step approach that we used during my husband’s transition and I used to experiment with some aspects for myself. 

Start by making a list of everything you can think of that you want to try. The questionnaire from Dara’s book that I talked about in Episode 2 helped me out with this a lot. Try to break it down as much as possible into small pieces. For example, say you want to try wearing nail polish. Clear nail polish is much more subtle than a brightly coloured one and black nail polish generally signals something different again. So if wearing a bright colour seems too scary or obvious, maybe add ‘wear clear nail polish’ to the list and start there. 

Next, make a hierarchical list of environments including a variety of places and the people you would be around from most safe to least safe or most scary for you. This can include at home by yourself, at home with your partner or family, at a trusted friend’s house, out in public with a trusted friend or your partner, at work, around extended family, etc. 

For each thing on the list, match it up with an environment that you would feel ok trying it in first off. Some of the more covert things might feel fine to do in public right from the start where some of the things on your list you might need to start by trying it in your most secure environment on the list. 

As you’ve probably guessed, the next step is to start trying things. Start with something that doesn’t feel too scary to you and slowly work your way through your list. 

First, I recommend trying each thing separately and later you can try combining parts of your presentation to see if that changes how you feel about a particular aspect. So for example, if you didn’t like wearing a skirt, that didn’t feel very good to you, later on, try wearing a skirt but with a more masculine top, or after you’ve cut your hair short, or while you have facial hair. Maybe the skirt will feel different in that context.

Once you’ve tried a few things in safe environments and figured out what you like, start trying them in the next environment down the list. 

This type of practical experimentation can feel exhilarating. It is scary but also euphoric. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and exhausting. Whichever way each experiment goes, it is definitely emotionally draining. So make sure you have a good self-care strategy in place for before, during, or after if needed. This can be a phone call check in scheduled with a trusted friend, meditation or journaling about the experience, making yourself your favourite meal afterwards, whatever works for you. 

As you figure out what you like, what feels authentic, and what is comfortable even if it’s too scary to do in public just yet, keep adjusting and adding to your list. Start looking for interesting combinations to try or something you had rejected a long time ago, before even becoming aware of your gender identity. 

For me, this was trying on a dress for the first time since high school prom.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE: WEARING A DRESS

I had this dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked.

I was expecting to feel very uncomfortable and dysphoric when I put it on so I collected a bunch of my more masculine jewelry and a leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I also made sure I was home alone and would have some personal time afterwards if I needed it. 

I brought everything to a room of the house that didn’t have any mirrors. And then I tried on the dress. At first it did feel uncomfortable. So I put on my jacket over top. That felt enough better that I wanted to take a picture of myself to see what I looked like. To my surprise and encouragement, I looked like my nonbinary self in a dress. I didn’t look like a woman I didn’t recognize. I had this irrational image in my mind that as soon as I put on the dress I would all of a sudden have long hair again, I would maybe have makeup on… Obviously, none of that happened. I still had short hair. I still looked like myself.

So I stepped out into the hall to see myself in a mirror. I spun in a circle and played with the skirt of the dress. I took off my jacket and looked at myself again. Yup, still nonbinary. 

While this experiment was a success in terms of turning out to be affirming and decreasing my fear of trying something, I still wouldn’t choose to wear a dress in public because of what it would signal to others. While I still saw myself and felt like my typical nonbinary self, it’s unlikely that strangers would when they read me as female when I’m wearing my most masculine clothes. 

But maybe, some day, I will feel comfortable going out in public wearing a long flowy skirt and a button up shirt with a binder or tape on and my leather bomber jacket on top. 

MANY REASONS FOR CHANGING YOUR PRESENTATION

There are lots of different reasons for presenting in different ways. Making yourself feel as comfortable in your own skin as possible is one of them. 

Safety is another one. Maybe it’s not safe for you to outwardly present in the way that would be most comfortable due to the threat of physical violence or the risk of losing your job, housing, or other forms of support and stability. In this case, you may choose to present in a way that blends in and find subtle or covert ways to present differently such as having your legs shaved or unshaved and wearing long pants most of the time, or wearing a more gender affirming style of underwear. Cutting or growing out your hair can also be less of a flag for people as it is much less tied to gender than many other aspects of presentation. 

Another reason to alter your presentation may be for social attention or visibility, or so we can be more easily identified as queer to others in the community. 

And sometimes we want to influence how people perceive us so they interact with us differently. I’ve noticed that people are less likely to interact with me in a feminine way or expect me to interact in a feminine way if I’m presenting more masculinely. This can help a lot with social dysphoria. I have definitely had days where I didn’t have a lot of physical dysphoria around my chest but I wanted to get people to interact with me as though I was male as much as possible so I wore a binder anyway. 

NONBINARY PRESENTATION IS LIMITLESS

Unfortunately, in the binary society we live in, strangers will always try to categorize us as either male or female. For this reason, there really isn’t such a thing as ‘passing’ as nonbinary. The closest thing I have seen would be making people confused or hesitate, or passing as male in one situation and female the next. 

Some people may find this inability to be recognized as who they are frustrating. Sometimes I do too. But I also find it liberating. If the goal isn’t to ‘pass’ as either male or female, you can do what you want. There are so many varieties of nonbinary presentations that I have seen. 

There’s something like me which is kind of androgynous, kind of masculine some days. I like wearing more fitted tank tops with more baggy bottoms, that type of thing.

There’s having a flat chest (either due to not having grown breasts, having had top surgery, or wearing a binder or tape) and wearing more feminine clothes and makeup.

There’s having a full beard (either due to having a body that naturally produces testosterone, taking testosterone as HRT, or wearing a fake beard or makeup) and then also wearing a dress at the same time.

You can present differently day to day or find something that is fairly consistent. 

You can take hormones to alter your presentation and expression in certain ways and then counteract some of the effects if they’re not for you such as wearing a binder or getting top surgery after taking estrogen or getting electrolysis to remove facial hair after taking testosterone. 

If you’re afraid of what a more permanent change might mean, look at both types of typical binary transition as well as nonbinary presentations. Maybe following a more typical binary transition will actually work for you. That doesn’t mean you are any less nonbinary (unless you decide for yourself that that label no longer fits). 

There are no rules. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. If you’re feeling lost, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I will try to help you connect with others that share your experiences or just be a sounding board if you need someone to listen. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 3 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender. Among the resources for this episode are two blog posts I did on wearing a binder – the first one on physiological effects and the second on recommendations and exercises you can do to minimize these effects so check those out if you or someone you know wears a binder.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 4 I will be talking about how to navigate names, pronouns, and other language as a nonbinary person. As other nonbinary people will attest, there is way more gendered language out there than you realize! Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E2: Nonbinary Gender Exploration

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about nonbinary gender exploration including my own personal exploration process and some other general ways you can explore your own gender.

MY INITIAL GENDER EXPLORATION PROCESS

I started with a list of what I knew:

  • Both male and female 
  • My gender fluctuated somewhat
  • I had both physical and social dysphoria
  • I felt invisible but didn’t feel ready to come out yet

I then made a list of what I wanted to find out:

  • How much my gender actually fluctuated
  • What triggered my dysphoria and how I could manage it or increase euphoria instead
  • How to flag my gender to those around me so they interacted with me in a way that is more comfortable
  • Whether I needed to transition socially, medically, or legally in the future

TOOLS I USED

Gender Tracker

I found this to be the most useful. I was already using a bullet journal for my day to day organization, personal notes, and journaling, and a habit tracker already built into that so I made a gender tracker to go along with it. I tracked my physical and social sense of gender separately using a dot and a circle on a scale of 5 female to 0 to 5 male. This scale works for me because it matches my personal gender identity but if you listened to season 2 episode 1 you heard me talk about various different ways to represent nonbinary identities. If it doesn’t work for you, use a different scale or create your own. Send me an email or leave a comment below with what you come up with. I’d love to see it!

I plotted my gender daily for a month and a half using markers such as where and how much I was feeling dysphoria, what was triggering it, what made me feel better, and just generally how I felt gender-wise.

It showed some very useful patterns:

  • Exactly how much my gender fluctuates
  • When dysphoria or a sudden fluctuation in gender related to my mood
  • How my menstrual cycle affected my gender (not a surprise)

Maybe some of these same patterns will show up for you or maybe you’ll find your own. I do highly recommend at least tracking mood, energy level, social engagements or other aspects that may influence or be influenced by your gender during this period so the information in the tracker is as useful to you as possible.

You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox

The first part of this book that I found really useful was the questionnaire about how comfortable I am with various aspects of my identity, body, and presentation as they relate to my gender. It gave me a good starting point and some objective information. I was able to repeat the questionnaire half-way through my process and then again once I had achieved a lot more comfort and self-awareness.

Other exercises from the book included one where it forced me to write down my fears, one where it helped me come up with a self-care strategy to use for more difficult exploration tasks, and how to design practical gender exploration experiments related to changing my presentation. All of these exercises were really useful and I came back to them multiple times throughout my gender exploration process.

Self-care Toolkit

One of the other things in the book that I will talk about separately is a self-care toolkit. Dara recommends having a small box or pencil case that you can take with you on a daily basis. I left mine at work where I struggle with gender the most. Inside the box are things that are affirming, bring you comfort, and things that provide sensory stimulation for distraction or grounding.

Mine included things like precious stones I could carry around in my pocket, a subtle scent I could dab on my wrist, strong tasting gum, and talismans that reminded me of the support I have in my life.

Other things you can include are slips of paper with affirmations, music playlists, reminders of self-care activities you can do, or names of supportive people written on them, or small pictures of supportive people or yourself when you felt the most euphoric.

Journal

I found it really useful to get my thoughts and feelings out in a stream of consciousness style with no judgement. I had a weekly check in with myself for a little while, and then that switched to monthly once I was doing better. I used this to review how I was doing and what I might need to do differently or if I was ready to try the next thing on my list.

6 MONTHS LATER…

After about 6 months of this exploration process I had figured out quite a lot about my gender. 

  • How much my gender fluctuates
  • How much social and physical dysphoria I have and what specifically triggers each of them 
  • What situations and presentations make me feel the best – euphoric and seen

Remember that exercise from Dara’s book about putting fears into words? One of the biggest ones I had was that exploring my gender would put more of a focus on the dysphoria that I had and would make me more uncomfortable rather than more comfortable. For the most part I had either proven my fears false or at least balanced it out. I have a lot better self-awareness to recognize when dysphoria is what’s making me uncomfortable and burnt out, I have much better management strategies, I can communicate how I’m feeling to supportive people in my life and seek them out, and I have much better support networks either through groups or online, or even just my partner and co-workers.

OTHER WAYS TO EXPLORE YOUR GENDER

There are lots of different ways to explore your gender so if none of the ones I have mentioned so far work for you, I’m going to go through a list of some of the others.

The most common is practical experimentation which I will talk about more in episode 3 on gender presentation and expression.

Another way is you can use vicarious experiences via books, podcasts, social media (especially YouTube), descriptions of labels and definitions, or talking to people in your community who have similar identities to what you’re curious about for yourself.

You can use the process of elimination by defining for sure what you are NOT and steering in a different direction.

You can use objective guidance such as filling in a gender tracker, following steps in a book like You and Your Gender Identity, or talking to a therapist that specializes in gender identity

Or you can test out a particular identity by writing about yourself in the third person using a different name and/or different pronouns. Especially if you have an experience that made you really uncomfortable based on gender, maybe try rewriting it using a different description of yourself, different name and pronouns to see if that makes the experience feel any better for yourself. Try rewriting it a few different ways.

You can also test out your identity by joining an online chat group using a different name and pronouns, especially if you can find a gender affirming one where you can use different pronouns or a different name at different times. Or ask a group of 2 or more friends that you trust to use a different name or pronoun for you and with whom you can present however you feel comfortable.

There are even apps you can use (or there’s always the standard photoshop) where you can see what your face would look like if you had facial hair or none, had make up of various styles, or had shorter or longer hair. 

WRAP UP

Exploring a nonbinary identity can feel a bit like deciding to step off the path in the middle of the woods with no map, compass, or destination in mind just as it starts to get dark.

Don’t be intimidated!

There are lots of gradual, safe, and private ways to explore your gender identity that don’t involve the sensation of jumping off a cliff. If you need someone to talk to as a sounding board, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I am not a therapist (and I highly recommend you find a gender competent one if you can and have the means) but I have done a lot of this myself, have talked to a lot of people, and would love to help if I can. Also reach out to queer support groups in your are or online.

You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 2 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Check out the links below for related blog posts and past podcast episodes. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender presentation and expression. Or in other words, what can I change about how I look and how will that affect how people perceive me? 

RELATED POSTS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Let’s Talk Gender Season 2 Coming Soon!

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Hey everyone,

I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person, and the host of Let’s Talk Gender.

Coming up in September 2020 is season 2!

This season will be another eight episodes, this time around the topic of nonbinary identities and experiences. If you listened to Season 1 you got to hear from my husband about his experiences with transitioning. This season will be more of a radio host monologue style with just me as the host. 

Here’s a brief look at what this season will include:

  • Episode 1: Nonbinary identities and labels 
  • Episode 2: Exploring your gender as a nonbinary person 
  • Episode 3: Nonbinary gender presentation and expression 
  • Episode 4: Navigating names, pronouns, and other language 
  • Episode 5: Coming out as nonbinary
  • Episode 6: Complexities of nonbinary identities such as how they interact with sexual orientation and a deeper look at gender fluid identities 
  • Episode 7: Living in the world as nonbinary including using bathrooms, going to the gym, and what passing means as a nonbinary person
  • Episode 8: Pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person

You can find the podcast on any itunes populated platform or stream it from this website. You will also find the show notes for each episode on this website and if you subscribe, new episodes and blog posts will be sent to your inbox so you don’t have to remember to keep checking back! 

You can always get in touch with me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment on this website. I’d love to hear your thoughts, topic requests, or be a sounding board if I can. 

I’m really looking forward to this season. I hope you are too.

Talk to you soon!

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Gay vs Trans

There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay.

Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay and non-binary and my husband’s experiences of being gay and trans. We both identified as gay first, and later discovered and expressed our non-cis gender identities.

SIMILARITIES

  • Incorrectly assumed to be the default (cis or straight)
  • Living with confusion and feeling like you don’t fit in before you know why
  • Have to figure out your identity
  • Have to ‘come out of the closet’ ie tell other people
  • Dealing with fear of rejection, prejudice, loss of housing or work as a result of coming out
  • Excitement and comfort of finding people that have the same/similar identity/experiences as you
  • Culture, experiences, and history specific to queer community
  • Lots of different terminology, language, and labels
  • Different interaction with people in your community than people outside of it
  • Risk to physical and psychological safety by living authentically
  • Pride parades, pride month, pride flags and symbols
  • Being labeled by strangers (often incorrectly) based on how you look or who you’re with
  • Often become parents via alternative fertility methods, surrogacy, or adoption
  • Prejudice in health care and legal systems (significantly worse for trans identities but present for both)
  • Lack of appropriate/relevant sex education

DIFFERENCES

  • Who you like vs who you are ie sexuality vs gender
  • Gender based experiences and identities are much less understood and accepted by the general public than sexuality based ones (though this wasn’t always the case and we hope to get to the same place with acceptance of gender identities)
    • Significant energy has to be put towards educating the people around you when you come out as trans that isn’t necessary when coming out as gay
  • Coming out as gay requires the other person to change how they refer to your partner (if you have one) whereas coming out as trans requires them to change how they refer to you (which takes a lot more work on their part)
  • Dysphoria with trans identities that doesn’t relate to gay identities
  • Possibility of medical intervention and changes to legal documents with transition
  • Difficulty accessing appropriate/competent medical care as a trans person when it wasn’t a problem as a gay person
  • Gay community is readily available and easy to find while trans community is much smaller and harder to find
  • Extreme shift in privilege with transition that is much less pronounced with coming out as gay
  • Most trans people pick a new name, gay people don’t

If you have anything you’d like to add to these lists, leave me a comment below!

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