Tag: Dysphoria

My Hero’s Journey, So Far

Here is how my gender journey lines up with the Hero’s Journey. Missed my previous post about Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey? Check that out first and then come back to read my story.

ORDINARY WORLD

When my husband started being identified as a man by strangers, their ingrained heteronormative views told them that I must be a woman. I started getting treated as more feminine when we were together and this didn’t sit right with me.

I had never been comfortable with the term lesbian, and instead had always called myself gay or queer.

In grade 10 I had a gender fluid experience where I would feel like a boy named Ray for a few days every few weeks, shifting back to feeling like a girl named Meaghan in between.

I grew up in a very liberal and supportive environment but at the inception of my gender journey I had moved away and was working in a more conservative and very hetero- and cis-normative environment.

CALL TO ADVENTURE

Part way through my husband’s transition, I realized that I was definitely experiencing dysphoria as well. We had been attending local PFLaG meetings and had been listening to people describe a range of identities and experiences. Some of these, especially the more androgenous, gender neutral, gender fluid, and nonbinary ones, really resonated with me.

REFUSAL OF THE CALL

However, my husband was still in the middle of navigating how to get top surgery, how to change all his legal documentation, and what to do about continually being misgendered at work, months after coming out. From witnessing his experiences and hearing about similar experiences from the community, I knew that exploring your gender and clarifying for yourself who you are and what you need to feel authentic can make not having those things feel a whole lot worse.

Knowing that my husband still needed a lot of my support and I was not working in an environment that would be condusive to coming out as nonbinary, I decided to put off all gender related self-discovery for the time being.

MEETING THE MENTOR

As soon as my husband felt fairly stable in his transition, he encouraged me to do my own gender exploration work. As a result of his transition, he finally felt ready to be a parent (being able to picture himself as a dad instead of a mom) but also did not want to be the one to be pregnant. This meant that, if possible, I would be the carrying and birthing parent.

There is so much unknown and out of your control in the process of trying to conceive, pregnancy, and birthing. I didn’t want gender related feelings to be one more. So I started to explore what felt not so great, what felt awesome, and how my gender felt on a daily basis.

CROSSING THE THRESHOLD

Turns out I am nonbinary. I discovered that I have both female and male genders which balance out to an overall experience that is a mix of the two or ‘somewhere in the middle’. I discovered that I do have some physical dysphoria during which times I feel better if I wear a binder (if my body can tolerate it). I discovered that I have significant social dysphoria and feel much better when referred to using they/them pronouns and neutral language.

The physical dysphoria I could manage pretty well with some practice. The social dysphoria was a whole other story, especially at work.

TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES

Partly as a result of constant social dysphoria, I started expriencing periods of burnout that would last 1-2 months and re-occur every 4-6 months.

I had a few new colleagues at work that were queer and super supportive and a few others that I slowly built friendships with and eventually came out to. These allies, especially at work, were a major help on bad dysphoria days.

I had a colleague who was also a friend come out as nonbinary. Unfortunately, the support from the management team was not in place and did not appear when they needed it. There were very few allies around them and they were continually misgendered, had repeated conflicts with coworkers, and ultimately moved to a different job. As an example of what it would be like for me to come out at work, it was a pretty clear one.

Navigating the world of fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum as a nonbinary person is extremely difficult. There were times I found community and resources and felt like I could belong. There were also times that were nauseating and traumatic that I will carry with me for life.

APPROACH TO THE INNERMOST CAVE

While I was on parental leave (for a whole year – go Canada!), and in the middle of a global pandemic, I had minimal interaction with the outside world unless I reached out for it. I had significantly less dysphoria and significantly less burnout, despite being a new parent in a pandemic. This told me that my burnout was indeed primarily dysphoria related and in order to feel more comfortable in my life, and have the emotional reserve I wanted and needed to support my child, I would need to make some changes. I would need to find spaces that I was comfortable being out in. And I would need to be out in as many spaces as I could.

This was especially true around family. I wanted my kid to grow up hearing people refer to me using the correct pronouns. This meant I would first have to explain my identity to everyone my kid would be interacting with regularly (namely family) and train everyone to use my pronouns and preferred language. This would take time and my kid was growing up at a steady pace. I had to come out to family before my kid started understanding what pronouns meant and remembering and repeating phrases from those around them.

THE ORDEAL

The first step I took was to apply to a graduate school program using my preferred name, pronouns, and gender identity. I was open with my supervisor from the beginning and made it clear in my application that my identity and lived experience was a big part of why I wanted to do research work. This meant that in September, when I started school, I had the foundation and backup to expect that everyone refer to me correctly. When they don’t, I have significantly more confidence to correct them than I ever have in other environments.

When my kid was about ten months old, I bit the bullet and came out to my in-laws (who live near us) and my parents (who live across the country but were coming for a month-long visit). I did this via email with the hope of some reply, either of support or questions or concerns that I could respond to. Mostly, there was silence and confusion. I had a brief follow up conversation with my in-laws and, after a period of awkwardnes and tension, saw some awereness and progress. My sister had many follow up conversations with my parents on my behalf but I had minimal expectation that they would be able to/willing to follow through and change their use of pronouns for me during their visit.

However, their visit happened to coincide with work I was doing to develop inclusive training material for a health professions college. They were curious about my work which gave me an opening to talk about many of the issues trans people face in health care settings (mostly related to ignorance and being misgendered). The materials I was developing included a ‘bad’ version of a health care interaction and a ‘good’ version. I sent them both versions and we had a few conversations about why the ‘bad’ version was ‘bad’ and why it was important to interact in ways that were depicted in the ‘good’ version. They were able to grasp these concepts significantly better than the information my sister had attempted to explain, perhaps because it wasn’t directly about them and thus did not make them feel as defensive. They almost immediately started making an effort to use my correct pronouns. While they weren’t great at it, and they will likely back-slide between in-person visits, this was more progress than I expected and I took it as a positive sign.

REWARD

It’s an increadible feeling, being seen. It’s even better when you don’t have to fight for it first. I now have numerous allys who actively step in to do the educating and, if necessary, fighting, on my behalf. I am better at advocating for myself (or getting better at it slowly), and better at identifying situations where having an ally would be useful and then recruiting one.

Confidence, euphoria, authenticity, and visibility are pretty good rewards. Do I wish I didn’t have to fight for them? Sure. But it’s still worth the fight.

THE ROAD BACK

I now spend the majority of my time working in an inclusive environment with my name and pronouns displayed correctly on my zoom screen during ‘meetings’. I have more bandwidth to apply to my work and family. I have not had a period of burnout in over a year despite having a baby during a pandemic. I am able to exercise despite the accompanying dysphoria because, for the majority of the time, I experience more euphoria than dysphoria. I can recover easily from the few days I spend in my previous work environment where I am still not out (and likely will never be).

I am using my unique experiences and perspective to help others make their work more inclusive. I am being recognized for the value of my experiences and identity rather than ‘supported’ or ‘accommodated’.

I am thinking about the future and what I might want for myself in my transition. Are there ‘next steps’? I have a long road to recovery from pregnancy related body changes and have chosen to focus on this prior to pursuing anything further related to transition. Though, likely, at some unknown point in the future, I would like to have some form of top surgery. Will this be my ‘Ressurection’? Who knows! If you stay tuned, you’ll likely find out when I do!

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Gender Transition as a Hero’s Journey

The heroes in our favourite stories all start out as ordinary people. Their journeys often follow a similar pattern as they face trials and tribulations, discover their inner strength, and return triumphant. Joseph Campbell orginally described this story arc using 17 stages (and fairly problematic language). It has since been revised into 12 stages, most recently by Christopher Vogler.

As it turns out, these stages match the emotional stages of a gender transition pretty closely. Which means trans people are all heroes or heroes-in-training!

Here’s how it looks:

There are three parts: Departure (the beginning), Initiation (the middle), and Return (the end). These are broken down into the 12 stages.

The journey starts with the hero in the ordinary world living in a harsh and unforgiving external light in a state of unhappiness, stress, ignorance, and/or confusion.

They move to a new, extraordinary, or special world during the Initiation phase. Here they move through darkness as they struggle to discover their own internal source of light.

They then return to the ordinary world in a state of triumph and rebirth, having learned how to shine brightly from withinwith. They now have a new perspective, skill, or, in our case, identity.

As I was thinking about the steps in the Hero’s Journey and lining them up with the experience of gender transition, it was interesting how easy it was to see. Some of the original wording even makes sense without changing much except the context.

Let’s break it down and look at each of the twelve steps:

Stage 1: Ordinary World

Classic: The hero is uneasy, uncomfortable or unaware. They are living a life at the mercy of their enviornment, heredity, and personal history. The hero feels pulled in different directions and is stressed by the dilemma.

Trans: You are living with confusion and discomfort, just trying to get by with no language or understanding of why you feel different, that there is a way to relieve your distress, or what path your life is going to take.

Stage 2: Call to Adventure

Classic: Something shakes up the situation, either from external pressures or from something rising up from deep within, so the hero must face the beginnings of change.

Trans: You discover that your discomfort might be gender related by meeting a trans person, seeing a trans person represented in media, or learning about language, labels, or experiences that feel right for you.

Stage 3: Refusal of the Call

Classic: The hero feels the fear of the unknown and tries to turn away from the adventure, however briefly. This uncertainty may be voiced by someone else rather than the hero themself.

Trans: You have immense fear about the enormity of what this would mean for your life. This fear takes over and you ignore what you have just learned, bury the knowledge deep down, convince yourself that you don’t need to transition or don’t need to think about this. You try as hard as you can to fit in with what is expected of you or numb/ignore this awareness.

Stage 4: Meeting the Mentor

Classic: The hero comes across a seasoned traveler of the worlds who gives them training, equipment, or advice that will help on the journey. Or the hero reaches within to a mentor from their past or an internal source of courage and wisdom.

Trans: You meet someone who sees you for who you are and encourages you to delve into yourself. This could be a trans or queer person from the community who is living their best life and provides the experience and support you need, a therapist that starts helping you unpack your gender identity and dysphoria, or a close friend or family member who is no longer willing to let you hide from your truth.

Stage 5: Crossing the Threshold

Classic: The hero commits to leaving the ordinary world and entering a new region or condition with unfamiliar rules and values.

Trans: You come out to yourself, accepting yourself for who you are, accepting your true authentic gender identity. You are flooded by understanding, fear, excitement, confusion, discomfort, and determination.

Stage 6: Tests, Allies, Enemies

Classic: The hero is tested and sorts out allegiances in the new, special world.

Trans: You now know why you’ve felt uncomfortable your whole life and being able to point to and name dysphoria makes it so much bigger, louder, and more constant. You search the internet for trans information and find a huge community on social media platforms and many local and national organizations that offer support. At the same time, you start recognizing all the transphobic and cisnormative language around you and feel like no one in your life will accept you for who you are.

Stage 7: Approach to the Innermost Cave

Classic: The hero and newfound allies prepare for the major challenge in the special world.

Trans: You collect information from allies about coming out and navigating transition which helps you clarify for yourself what you want/need. This intensifies the dysphoria which gets harder and harder to deal with, especially when you haven’t told anyone yet. The internal pressure of knowing what you want, who you are, and how you want to be seen builds, pushing against the confines of the closet until…

Stage 8: Ordeal

Classic: The hero enters a central space in the special world and confronts death or faces their greatest fear. Out of this moment of ‘death’ comes a new life.

Trans: You decide that coming out is worth the risk, worth the loss of those that don’t support you, worth the potential harm in order to be who you are. You take the first steps to telling others who you are, breaking down that wall one brick at a time, or by driving a bulldozer straight through it and coming out to everyone at once.

Stage 9: Reward (Seizing the Sword)

Classic: The hero takes possession of the treasure they won by facing death. There may be celebration, but there is also danger of losing the treasure again.

Trans: Some people you come out to start using your correct name and pronouns and you have your first real taste of gender euphoria and what it could feel like to live as the person you are. Not everyone is supportive or consistent and dysphoria continues to fight it’s way in. You fight to hold onto your confidence in who you are and your resolve to seek what you need, using the bursts of gender euphoria as your guiding light.

Stage 10: The Road Back

Classic: The hero is driven to complete the adventure, leaving the special world to be sure the treasure is brought home. Often a chase scene signals the urgency and danger of the mission.

Trans: You learn how to integrate your new trans identity with your life at work, home, and school, with friends and family, and in social activities, hobbies, and sports. You struggle to navigate and access the medical care and legal services you want/need in order to be safe and feel authentic in your body and identity. You are desperate for the changes and progress yet they happen at a maddeningly slow pace.

Stage 11: Resurrection

Classic: The hero is tested once more on the threshold of home. They are pruified by a last sacrifice, another moment of death and rebirth, but on a higher and more complete level. By the hero’s action, the polarities that were in conflict at the beginning are finally resolved.

Trans: You start to recognize the person in the mirror, be recognized correctly by people around you more often than not, and feel more comfortable in your body. You come up to and cross a milestone of significance for you in your transition (starting hormones, top surgery, changing your gender marker, bottom surgery, etc) with all the doubt, fear, excitement, relief, pain, re-learning, and celebrating that comes with it.

Stage 12: Return with the Elixir

Classic: The hero returns home or continues the journey, bearing some element of the treasure that has the power to transform the world as the hero has been transformed.

Trans: You reach a sense of completion related to your transition or have found confidence and peace in the sense of an ongoing and lifelong gender discovery and evolution. You are living authentically, supporting others who are questioning their gender or know someone who is, expanding your society’s view of gender and authenticity, and maybe even advocating for trans rights. Huzzah!

What an epic journey! Can you see yourself, or the trans person you love, as a hero? What stage of your Hero’s Journey are you at?

I know everyone’s transition is different. Are there stages that line up differently based on your experience?

If you add in specific details that match your own experience, what story does it tell? Who were the mentor, allies, and enemies? What tests did you face? What treasure do you carry with you to this day? What final milestone did you face and overcome during your stage of resurrection?

What was the timeline of each stage, and the journey as a whole? Did it progress in a linear fashion the way it sounds like it would here?

Share your story in the comments or send it to me in an email! If you’re willing to share it, I’ll publish it here as a post! The more stories the better. We need more variety of trans experiences and we need more trans heroes!

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Gender Inclusivity in the Workplace: What it is and How it Feels

For the last five years I have worked in the same environment. During this time, my husband came out as trans and I discovered my identity as a nonbinary person. I recently cut back on my hours at this job and started a different job. These two jobs are wildly different environments, types of work, levels of inclusion, and effects on me as a nonbinary person.

For the last few years, I assumed that any workplace connected to my chosen profession would be the same in terms of it’s effect on me with mild variability in inclusivity. But since switching to the new job, I am realizing how much of the burnout I’ve been experiencing is from inclusion related factors, or the lack of inclusivity at my previous job.

A lot of these factors are within the control of my colleagues and management staff. But some of them are simply related to the nature of the job.

WHAT A NON-INCLUSIVE WORKPLACE FEELS LIKE

When going to work at my job that has minimal inclusion, recognition, or support for my identity as a nonbinary person, I have a nebulous feeling of resistance, anxiety, apprehension, disappointment, and risk. I carry this around with me to varying degrees throughout the whole work day. It is distracting and tiring. I feel like I am hiding, shrinking, holding myself in a small tight ball inside myself for the course of the day.

Every time I have a chance to show a part of this aspect of my identity I have to make a risk vs reward calculation. Every time I encounter something that directly relates to or impacts my gender identity, even if it isn’t directed at me, I have to decide if I’m going to hide or react which is again, a risk vs reward calculation.

This isn’t to say that everything about that work environment is bad and negative. There are lots of things I like about it or else I wouldn’t still be working there. But in order to engage with the things I like about that job, I have to bring the rest of this heaviness along with me.

I am not out to the majority of people in this workplace because it doesn’t feel safe or feasible (more on this below). When I am misgendered, it is primarily out of ignorance and assumption. But, because of many factors, I expect that the majority of people would continue to misgender me even if I did come out. This means that coming out is not worth the effort or risk.

WHAT AN INCLUSIVE WORKPLACE FEELS LIKE

At my new job, I am excited to get to work every day. I can focus and do my work efficiently. At the end of the day/week I am as tired as I would expect given the amount of work I did. I still have mild reluctance to engage with people who are not necessarily trans competent but I know that, should I need to correct them on my name or pronouns, I have the support to do that.

I entered this workplace using my preferred name, pronouns, and gender identity. Not everyone I interact with knows all of that information but I feel safe in providing it openly when I need to. I can share any parts of myself that are relevant without fear and with minimal risk vs reward calculation because the risks are much lower and the reward is more likely to occur.

Colleagues recognize the types of knowledge and expertise that my nonbinary identity affords me and come to me when they have things I can help with.

Overall it feels easy, affirming, and allows me to simply focus on my work.

WORKPLACE FACTORS THAT IMPACT GENDER INCLUSIVITY

Culture

This is the factor that we think about the most in regards to inclusivity and it is definitely the most complex one. You can think of cultural factors in three groups: policies and procedures, competence, and representation.

Policies and Procedures

Is there a policy in place that protects workers based on gender identity? Do their policy documents use gender neutral language? If they have a dress code, is it gender neutral? Do their application forms and other types of documentation such as ID and health insurance forms have inclusive fields (sex, gender, legal gender marker, legal name, preferred name, pronouns, neutral labels, etc)? Is the use of homophobic and transphobic language pervasive, ignored, discouraged, or penalized in the professional work spaces as well as the social spaces in the workplace? Is it commonplace to include pronouns in introductions and email signatures?

Competence

Is the management trained in equity, diversity, and inclusion to the degree they need to be in order to put the policies and procedures into practice? Do they know what to do if an employee or colleague comes out as trans or requests they use different language or pronouns for them? Is there positive, neutral, or negative regard for differences and diversity? Are there ‘safe space’ stickers on office doors? Is the messaging around safe spaces and being inclusive accurate to the level of competence of the staff?

See the end of this post for numerous other posts on this blog related to building basic trans competence.

Representation

Is pride month celebrated? Is diversity represented in the company/business promotional materials, staff support messaging, and among the workforce?

I’m sure there are more but these are the ones that come to mind from my experiences comparing these two work environments.

Physical Environment

This factor is a bit more straightforward but often overlooked by anyone who isn’t negatively affected by it. For gender related inclusivity, some of the questions that come to mind are:

Are there gender neutral/single use bathrooms and changing spaces (if applicable)? For places like gyms, yoga studios, and rehabilitation clinics, are there spaces that aren’t surrounded by mirrors? If asking clients about their personal or health related information, are these meeting spaces private (for both sight and sound)? Is the messaging that is visible at the entrance and throughout the space inclusive and representative of diversity?

Social Demands

This is a factor that is often overlooked and took me a while to recognize as important. My experience with it is more specific to gender identity (though I’m sure it applies to many other minority groups as well).

How many social interactions with strangers or acquaintance level co-workers are required throughout a day of work? This is important because, especially for nonbinary people, strangers, and anyone who we haven’t specifically come out to, will make incorrect assumptions about our gender identity and pronouns. No matter how inclusive the workplace is and how comfortable you are being ‘out’ in that environment, every interaction with a stranger requires coming out again.

Many of the components of the other factors make this significantly less onerous. For example if the company’s messaging is clearly trans inclusive, if employees have pronouns on their ID badges, and if the culture is supportive, affirming, and protective of trans people, I would feel much more comfortable introducing myself to a stranger using my pronouns (they/them). If the other factors are poor in terms of inclusivity, this one gets exponentially worse.

But, if the type of work requires very little interaction with strangers, it is significantly easier to get through the day in a workplace that has mediocre cultural and physical inclusivity.

  • What have your experiences been with gender inclusion in your workplace?
  • Have you ever quit a job due to it’s lack of gender inclusivity? What factors affected you the most?
  • How would you rate your current workplace on it’s gender inclusivity based on the factors above (or others that you’d like to add)?

Leave me a comment below or send me an email! I’d love to hear from you.

RELATED POSTS

Workplace and Coming Out

Surviving in a Non-Inclusive Workplace

Trans Competency

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From Baby to Toddler: The End of Parental Leave and Start of Daycare

In Canada, where I live, we have a year long parental leave. It was amazing to get to spend the majority of my time with my baby for their entire first year of life. This is the time we lay the groundwork for the bond we will have from then on.

Life took on a completely different pattern when I was on parental leave. It had a narrow focus that required me to develop a wide range of new skills. It felt like my ‘normal’ life was put on pause for a year while I did this new ‘caring for my baby’ thing. It was like stepping sideways onto a completely different track of my life. The weird part was not knowing how these two tracks would merge at the end of the year.

PARENTAL LEAVE IN A PANDEMIC

Parental leave can feel isolating – you are away from all your work related friends, spending most of your time at home caring the your new baby. The friends you used to hang out with may or may not be interested in hanging out with you and your baby. You may find those friends are no longer the type of support you need. Or you no longer seem to have much in common now that your focus has shifted. At times being on leave with a new baby did feel isolating. But, being an introvert, I think it didn’t bother me as much as it would some people.

My parental leave overlapped entirely with the global COVID-19 pandemic. This meant that everyone, not just me, was feeling isolated. As a result, I felt less alone in the experience. There was lots of media attention given to the emotional effects of isolation and the development of internet based communication systems. Many social groups were adapted to online platforms. This gave me access to support networks that I would not have had otherwise. Many of these were local groups in the US that I could now access over zoom.

So, overall, despite the general isolation of being at home with a baby, reinforced by the pandemic, I ended up feeling less isolated than I would have otherwise. But the contact I had was with a completely different set of people than those in my previous life. So when my leave finished and I went back to work, very few people had seen or heard from me in a year. And everyone wanted to know how my baby and I were doing.

REINTEGRATING WITH THE WORLD

The end of parental leave is like pushing our way out of our family cocoon (reinforced by the pandemic-induced isolation) and re-entering the world, now as a family of three. Or, to continue with the same metaphor as above, it feels like trying to merge two tracks that are wildly different. It feels vulnerable and shaky.

Some of this shakiness is logistical – we can no longer simply get ready for work and leave, come home and make dinner, hang out and go to bed. One of us has to get our kid ready for their day and feed them, drop our kid off at daycare, pick them up, and then do all the things in the evening we’ve been doing the past year. In this way, the tracks don’t so much merge as we shift back and forth between them throughout the day – the family/childcare track and the work track. These compenents are easy to predict and plan in advance, even if they feel a bit overwhelming at the start.

The parts that are more shaky are how our family is perceived and how to be as authentic as possible without spending more energy than we have. How to manage the impact of attending daycare (more on this below). How to stay focused on our non-baby related tasks when we’ve been so used to focusing the majority of our attention and time on our baby. These are the more nebulous emotional things that we will have to navigate or learn as we go.

Reintegrating with the world is also socially overwhelming. I went from having limited social contact, especially with the pandemic, to seeing all my work colleagues again. I was answering the same questions over and over. Inevitably, one of those questions was ‘remind me again, did you have a boy or a girl?’ I know it’s just small talk and people wanting to connect but it throws all the societal assumptions about gender that I’ve been happily avoiding this past year in my face.

I have to re-learn how to let the dysphoria enducing comments and situations roll of my back and leave the irritation from these situations at work as much as possible. Having a fun, cute baby to come home to definitely helps.

STARTING DAYCARE

After spending almost every day together, having my baby spend five of seven days at daycare feels like there will be monumental distance between us. I feel like I will miss important steps in their development. Or miss enough of the little incremental developments so that when they show a new skill or level of understanding, it will come as a surprise. It will feel sudden. I will feel like they are growing too fast for me to keep up.

Maybe this is true. But maybe, if I spend dedicated play time with them during the times we do spend together (early mornings, evenings, and weekends), it will be enough time to see these small shifts. It’s not like they’ll be at daycare 24/7 afterall.

So far, our daycare experience has gone well. We found a daycare we were comfortable with that had a spot available when we needed it. We did a couple two hour visits to get my child familiar with the environment and staff while still having me as a safety net. On the second visit I left for an hour which did not phase my child in the least.

In the first full days of daycare, we dropped them off as late in the morning as we could and picked them up as early as our work schedules would allow. Even with these shortened days, our baby was exhausted. They have been napping on the way to daycare and after coming home in addition to the midday nap they get at daycare. As long as we give them these times to sleep, they seem to be doing ok.

My baby is definitely aware of spending less time with us. They need a lot more time being held, especially in the morning and after naps. They dislike spending as much time as they used to in the stroller or carseat where they can’t see or interact with us (though this could also be related to their increasing independence). Since I also need more cuddle time with my baby, so far I am ok with this.

BALANCING RISK AND REWARD

When we first decided daycare was the best option, we weighed the pros and cons of each option available to us. But just because we settled on full time daycare doesn’t mean we don’t have to continue to be aware of the risks and rewards. Knowing the risks will help us mitigate them or adjust for them. Knowing the rewards will help us get the most benefit from it. So here are a few of the risks and rewards we are noticing:

Risks associated with daycare

  • COVID exposure risk – no masks, lots of adults and kids in a small space (we wear masks any time we go in)
  • Considerably less bonding time
  • Less control over our child’s schedule to give them what they need (mostly in terms of sleep)
  • Financial risk due to high cost

Rewards associated with daycare

  • Exposure to more germs leads to a stronger immune system
  • Socialization
  • More guided activities and resources
  • More personal freedom for work/school

How do our experiences reintegrating with the world and starting daycare compare to yours? I imagine if you are in a country that only has six weeks of paid parental leave and you had to return to work at that time your experiences would be wildly different. Please share in the comments below!

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From Baby to Toddler: The End of Bottle Feeding

WHY BOTTLE FEEDING?

If you’ve been following along with our journey, you’ll know that we have been bottle feeding our baby since they were two weeks old. This is because of issues with lactation and dysphoria. As soon as we tried bottles, it was night and day. It just worked so much better for us.

Generally, bottle feeding is treated as a stand-in or substitute for the more preferred nursing/body-feeding. I don’t think this is fair. In our case, I was able to be much more present and engaged in the activity of feeding my baby when feeding from a bottle than feeding from my body. I actually enjoyed holding them close and snuggling as they ate. So as far as I’m concerned, whatever feeding method allows your baby to be fed the calories they need in a safe way and allows you to connect with them as much as possible is the best way to feed your baby.

So, because we’ve been bottle feeding since two weeks old, we’ve had a pretty solid routine of mixing formula, heating bottles, feeding and cuddling our baby 3-4 times per day, and steralizing/washing the bottles and nipples. Even after we started giving solid foods, they continued to drink the majority of their bottles. This started to change around ten months.

THE END IS NIGH

As our baby got better at eating solid foods, we started offering solids more often. We started with only at lunch time, then added dinner time, then added breakfast, and now have 3-5 times they will eat depending on what is happening. At about ten months, they started to drink less and less of the formula in the bottles. So we cut down from four bottles a day to three. We had to try this a few times before it actually worked without them getting too hungry.

Then, as we increased the number of solid food meals we were offering, we just ran out of time in the day to offer as many bottles. Our baby was also too interested in playing and cruising to want to sit still to drink from the bottle. So, for a little while, we offered formula in a sippy-cup style bottle with a straw. They drank way more from that than when they were forced to sit still and drink from a baby bottle. It worked great as a transition from three bottles to two.

Then the bottle at the end of the day, after dinner, was becoming more and more of a struggle. Our baby would either be too tired, too full from dinner, or too active to want to sit still and drink. So we did the same thing – put some formula in a sippy cup that they could drink from on the go if they wanted, or not, as they chose. And more often than not, was left mostly untouched. So, rather suddenly, we were down to only one bottle per day – first thing in the morning.

As they turn one year old, this is where we’re at. They are doing great getting calories from solid foods and cows milk during the day, and have one bottle of formula, and the cuddles that go with it, first thing in the morning. How long will this last? Who knows. But getting here from a solid four bottles a day was a pretty smooth and steady process.

FOLLOWING MY BABY’S LEAD

The biggest thing throughout this transition from bottle feeding to eating primarily solids was following my baby’s lead. Some of the signs we noticed along the way that told us they were ready for the next step were:

  • Eating less from each bottle
  • Getting antsy while drinking from a bottle and giving up on it in favour of playing
  • Preferring to drink from the bottle while on the go instead of while cuddling
  • Doing well drinking water independently from a straw cup with handles
  • Doing well consuming solid foods multiples times a day

Some of the signs that we were progressing too fast for them were:

  • Being too hungry to focus on the newer skill of eating solid foods
  • Getting cranky in the later afternoon before it was time for dinner despite having good sleep
  • Drinking everything from every bottle we offered when they had not been finishing bottles for a while before we made the latest change

Most of the signs they were ready to progress were around skill acquisition and independence. Most of the signs that we were going too fast were aroung hunger. We never really noticed signs related to needing more cuddle time to make up for the loss of cuddle time as they were having fewer bottles. Maybe this is because we were still spending the majority of the time with them (as I was still on parental leave). Perhaps if they had been starting daycare at the same time this would have been a factor.

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

Just because my baby didn’t seem to be concerned by the decrease in cuddle time as they had fewer bottles didn’t mean it didn’t matter to me. I noticed it. Each time I feed them a bottle in the morning and they snuggle in my lap and hold onto my finger or touch my face, it resonates with all the memories of the other times we have done this. The late night times, the right-before-nap times, the out-at-the-park times. These memories around feeding my baby are visceral and strong and one of the main threads through the first year of their life – our entire existence together so far.

What will it be like when we no longer have that first bottle in the morning to bring those memories and emotions to the surface? What will we find as a substitute? I don’t know yet because we’re not quite there but I can tell you that, as much as I try to stay in the moment and not grieve in advance, I am already grieving the end of those feeding time cuddles.

On the other side, seeing them independently use a toddler cup and be in control of when they want some, how much they have, and hand it back to us when they’re done is so rewarding. This type of independence is a big part of feeling like my baby is becoming a toddler.

So, we will keep giving our baby a bottle first thing in the morning for as long as they want to have it. When we finish the formula we have, we will offer warm cows milk instead. Because sometimes it’s not what you’re feeding your baby that’s important, but the time you spend with them while you feed them.

Maybe by the time they give up that last bottle, family meal times will feel just as special as those cuddles in the rocking chair.

Where are you at in your feeding journey? What was your transition from nursing/body/bottle feeding to solids like? What emotions did it bring up along the way? Share your experiences in the comments!

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Diastasis Recti, Body Image, and Gender

Postpartum recovery is typically portrayed as a rapid return to pre-pregnancy weight and shape. For many people, this is not an accurate representation. Many people never return to pre-pregnancy weight or shape. Some do but have to put in a lot of work to make that happen.

I have a short torso so when I was pregnant, I carried my baby out in front. I started showing early and was very round. I had many stretch marks from early on and still have them. At halfway through my pregnancy people were surprised I still had a while to go. I was asked many times if I was having twins.

At six months postpartum my belly had shrunk somewhat but I still looked about the same size as when I was halfway through my pregnancy. While I knew that the media portrays postpartum recovery inaccurately, this seemed particularly slow. So I tested myself for diastasis recti and found a 3-4 finger gap between my abdominals. This was soon after diagnosed by a physiotherapist.

I started doing specific core exercises and regained my core strength fairly quickly. But at just over nine months postpartum, I still look the same as I did halfway through my pregnancy. While out for a walk with my nine month old baby in the stroller, a stranger congratulated me on the second baby I have on the way.

Having a round, pregnant shaped belly is a difficult experience for me for a number of reasons.

  • No one should ever comment on another person’s body shape, size, or presentation without being invited to do so and yet pregnancy seems to be a socially accepted time to do this. Being perceived as pregnant invites these sorts of comments.
  • In most people’s minds, being seen as someone who is potentially pregnant puts me in the category of ‘female’ or ‘woman’ and negates any other aspects of my presentation that might suggest otherwise. I dealt with this while pregnant for the sake of having my child but was really looking forward to not dealing with this anymore. And here I am, still being perceived as pregnant.
  • While pregnant, having a large belly helped minimize my perception of the size of my chest by comparison. Now that I am no longer pregnant and would like to flatten the appearance of my chest, doing so would only accentuate the size of my belly.
  • In order to heal diastasis recti, I have to avoid slouching. Standing up straight makes my chest look and feel bigger, increasing my dysphoria for the sake of healing my abdominals.

I know that recovery from or healing of diastasis recti is slow and takes diligent work. Being constantly aware of my posture, movement, and muscle activation takes mental effort. Making myself do core exercises daily takes will power. I am trying but I’m not always successful on all fronts. And without noticeable change in my function or shape, it is hard to stay motivated.

In search of answers and community, I recently turned to the internet and social media. I found lots of good information but every single resource used female terms and pronouns throughout. Finding community and support for part of my experience that actively excluded and invalidated other parts was painful, exhausting, and overwhelming.

Here is yet another topic where gender neutral terminology would not exclude or invalidate anyone and yet at every opportunity professionals refer to ‘ladies’ and ‘mama’.

Throughout this whole internal struggle with post partum body image, I have tried to be aware of where my thoughts and feelings are coming from. I avoid and reframe any thoughts I have about my weight. I try not to judge my body in negative ways due it’s size or shape. However, I can’t escape how my shape triggers my dysphoria or interferes with my preferred strategies for managing my dysphoria. And I can’t ignore how others perceive me when they assume I am pregnant.

No two people recover from pregnancy the same way. Don’t make assumptions about other people’s bodies based on their shape, size, or function. Don’t make assumptions about other people based on their bodies. If you are a professional supporting a community, question your use of gendered language. Substitute gender neutral terms and use language referring to a specific experience wherever possible. If this is something you would like help with, please contact me.

Did you struggle with body image after pregnancy? Did you or do you currently have diastasis recti? Leave me a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

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Trans Affirmations

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

My experience is real.
My experience, my identity, and my life have value. 
I deserve to take up space.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I do not owe anyone an explanation of my gender. 
I have control over my own identity. 
I have a right to any label that feels right for me.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I do not owe anyone an explanation of my transition process.
There is no 'right way' to be trans.
My transition is my own process and I don't need to compare to anyone else. 
I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

While I am trying to avoid dysphoria, I will seek out gender euphoria.
I will seek out what feels right. 
I will do what makes me feel whole. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I love my body for being my vessel in this world. 
My body belongs to me and no one else. 
My body is capable of amazing things. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy of love.
I am enough.

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I can do this. 
One step at a time. 
I will go at my own pace. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

I am allowed to be scared. 
I am allowed to let people assume I am cis.
Doing this does not make me a coward. 
Doing this does not make me less trans. 

I am important. 
My voice matters. 

There is a community out there that understands and supports me.
When I have the energy, I will advocate for myself and my community.
When I do not, I will find ways to protect, care for, and be kind to myself.

Because I am important. 
And my voice matters.

What words do you find affirming? What do you remind yourself of in the face of transphobic politics, family members, and workplaces? Add your words of strength, encouragement, and assurance to mine by leaving a comment.

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Trans Wisdom: Our Bodies Don’t Define Us

YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR GENDER. YOU DO.

Trans people learn very quickly that their body and all the assumptions that go along with it don’t define their gender. Whether the body they were born into feels wrong or not, their identity is separate.

If this is true for trans people, it is also true for cis people. Maybe you feel at home in your body and the gender you were assigned at birth. But is your experience of your gender based on your genitals? Is it solely made up of your secondary sex characteristics? Or is it more than that? Do you have an innate sense of being the gender you are? What aspects of your personality, behaviours, and presentation are related to your gender?

Once you learn how to think of your gender as more than various parts of your body, you also learn that you can choose how to express your gender. Do you wear the clothes you wear because they align with your gender and make you feel good or because it’s what society expects you to wear? Have you ever tried wearing clothes or jewelry that you think will make you uncomfortable? You never know! You might discover something you like even better than your original presentation.

YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR WORTH.

It goes beyond gender. Our bodies also don’t determine our worth. Regardless of your body type, ability, size, colour, or sex, we are all worthy of love and care. Society may not treat us that way, but we have to treat ourselves that way.

Trans people learn this throughout the difficult journey to self-acceptance. As we learn who we are and take steps to communicate it to others, we are faced with uncertainty, confusion, anger, fear, and even violence which are really easy to internalize. If we take steps to change our bodies to align more with our sense of who we are, we learn that though the change may alleviate some dysphoria and make it more comfortable to go about our daily lives, it does not automatically result in an increased sense of self-worth. This is something we have to consciously work on at every stage of our journey (and throughout life).

YOUR ABILITY TO REPRODUCE DOESN’T DEFINE YOUR GENDER.

The reproductive organs you possess and whether or not you are able to reproduce has no bearing on your gender. It may be a component of yourself and your experience that you choose to include as part of your gender identity but this does not mean that is true for everyone with a similar experience.

Trans men and nonbinary people who have uteruses can get pregnant and successfully birth a baby. Cis women who have had hysterectomies are no less women. Trans women who produce sperm are no less women. Cis men who do not produce sperm are no less men.

Your gender (and your worth) is not defined by the ways in which you can or cannot reproduce.

SOCIETY’S PERCEPTIONS DON’T HAVE TO BE YOUR PERCEPTIONS.

Trans people are assigned a gender by almost everyone they encounter. Often, this assumption is either entirely or partially incorrect. Having a trans identity is also perceived as wrong, unheard of, a burden, or inappropriately fascinating. It takes work to unlearn these perceptions and hold onto our own self-concept, even when we feel like no one else around us sees us for who we are.

Are you judged by society in a particular way because of an aspect of your body or appearance? How society perceives you does not have to dictate how you perceive yourself. It’s often hard to identify which perceptions we have internalized and constant work to fight against that perception internally but it is worth it.

SURGERY IS PART OF A PROCESS, NOT AN END GOAL.

Many trans people undergo one or more surgeries in their effort to align their body with their identity. Often, when they are looking forward to the upcoming surgery, they have the perception that once they have the surgery, everything will be better. They fall into a mode of waiting for the surgery and build high expectations of the positive impact of the results.

No matter what the surgery is, it is always a difficult experience. There is pain and healing. There are often activity restrictions and limitations, sometimes for months afterwards. Sometimes there are complications. And regardless of the outcome, it does not automatically change their self worth or self confidence. If they are lucky, there is a decrease in dysphoria but often, over time, the dysphoria will shift to another area of their body, or they will become more aware of the dysphoria once the other source has been relieved.

Trans people learn the hard way that surgery is part of the process, not an end goal. Whether you are undergoing surgery for cancer treatment, weight loss, pain relief, or transition, it is never the only component of the process and often isn’t even the component that makes the biggest difference. If there is something going on in your life that is big enough to require surgery, it is definitely big enough to have emotional components and other milestones that come before and after surgery. Try to keep it all in perspective while you work towards or recover from surgery. Don’t leave ‘the rest’, whatever that is, until after surgery. Work on everything else while you wait for surgery. You’ll be glad you did.

What are your experiences around how your body does or does not inform your gender or other aspects of your identity? What societal perceptions have you worked hard to unlearn? Leave a comment below with your story!

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How Dysphoria Contributes to Burnout and What You Can Do About It

WHAT IS BURNOUT?

I have struggled with cycles of burnout for many years now. For a long time I felt like I was making it up, or being lazy, or finding an excuse to avoid the mundane but challenging parts of everyday life. Very little of what I was feeling matched the symptoms of depression but that was the closest I felt like I could come. Until I heard about burnout.

When I’m in a state of burnout, the thought that keeps going through my mind is ‘I just don’t care’. I know I should, and usually do, but I can’t muster up the emotional energy to engage with almost all aspects of life. This is not me. In this state, I don’t feel like myself. And because I don’t have the energy to care, it is very hard to make myself do the things that will help me get out of the state of burnout.

I feel numb, heavy, and drawn to escapism. It feels like the world is happening around me and I’m just going through the motions. I don’t keep up with house chores, I eat less and more poorly, I socialize less, I exercise less (usually not at all), I am often late, and my productivity at work decreases.

If this sounds like you or someone you know, I highly recommend the book ‘Burnout’ by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Not all of it resonated with me but the parts that did have been very helpful by giving me language to discuss my experiences of burnout with others, different ways of thinking about and noticing how I’m functioning, and practical strategies to prevent and recover from burnout.

HOW DYSPHORIA CONTRIBUTES TO BURNOUT

I have found that dysphoria is a large contributor to my burnout. There are three reasons for this:

  1. It takes a lot of mental effort to ignore the buzz of dysphoria in order to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing. It takes mental effort to check in with myself, identify what aspects of dysphoria I’m feeling, and use appropriate management strategies. It takes mental effort to identify and avoid situations that trigger my dysphoria (as much as possible). And it takes mental effort to reframe the dysphoria or fight it’s effects by using positive self talk and affirmation. So yah, lots of mental effort.
  2. Dysphoria is constant. It goes up and down depending on the day, my emotional state, my physical state, who I’m around, and what situation I’m in, but even at it’s lowest it’s still there. So lots of constant mental effort.
  3. Generally, there is a lack of understanding from others about what dysphoria is and how it affects me (or how it can affect people). The situations where my dysphoria is triggered the most and which are unavoidable are also the situations where I’m surrounded by and interacting with people who do not understand dysphoria. So lots of constant mental effort that is invisible to or misunderstood by the people around me.

WHAT BURNOUT FROM DYSPHORIA FEELS LIKE

For me, certain symptoms of burnout are specific to dysphoria. Three main ones are:

  1. Decreased attention/focus. So much of my attention is taken up by ignoring, managing, avoiding, and fighting the effects of dysphoria that I have less mental space to spend on other things. It is harder to stay on task, perform multiple step activities without getting derailed, maintain momentum on a task, block out distractions, and remember details.
  2. Irritability/easily frustrated. Dysphoria is an internal irritant that is constant and unavoidable. No matter how good I am at managing it, it will never be zero. So I already have a baseline irritation that I am working to ignore. That means that I have less patience for other sources of irritation. Less patience leads to more frustration. The more dysphoria I have, the more easily frustrated and irritable I am.
  3. Physical, mental, and emotional fatigue. The constant mental effort I talked about above is exhausting. The feeling of being misunderstood and invisible and at odds with myself or how people see me is emotionally exhausting. We feel our emotions in our bodies so I end up with a feeling of heaviness and lethargy that means I don’t feel like I have the physical energy to exercise or do any extra tasks (even though that is what would often help me the most).

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Over the last few years I have developed a number of different strategies to help manage my burnout. After reading the book I recommended above, I have some more language to explain it and some practical strategies to suggest.

Prevention

Identify the sources of dysphoria for you. Develop strategies to decrease as much of the dysphoria as you can (more posts on this in the Related Posts list below). Where possible, avoid situations that trigger high amounts of dysphoria or repetitive situations that trigger even small amounts of dysphoria (such as getting dressed in a room that doesn’t have a mirror).

As much as possible, make these dysphoria prevention, management, and avoidance strategies automatic. Restructure your environment, schedule, or routine so that you don’t have to spend mental energy on remembering to do things in a different way. The goal is to decrease your baseline mental workload, not increase it.

Protection

In psychology they talk about protective experiences that may be completely unrelated to the harmful experience but help build resilience and emotional capacity or offset or heal some of the negative effects. There are a few protective experiences that I have found to be important in decreasing the burnout caused by dysphoria.

  1. Euphoria. Notice moments of gender euphoria and seek them out. Avoiding dysphoria is helpful to tell you what doesn’t work for you but moving towards euphoria tells you what you should do. Moments of euphoria can pass us by or be overshadowed by dysphoria unless we notice them, focus on them, and celebrate them. In this way, they can be a beacon of light to look forward to and to remember when we feel overwhelmed by dysphoria.
  2. Support. Whether through therapy, social support groups, online groups, friends, or family, support from people who understand what you are experiencing and can give you a sounding board to process and strategize with is important. Your support person/people can also help bring your attention to the symptoms of burnout you are experiencing and provide some external motivation to socialize, exercise, or engage in whatever other activities are necessary for you to recover.
  3. Affirmation. Dysphoria is constantly telling us that something is wrong, that we don’t fit in our body or in society, that we don’t look the way we should, and that maybe we’re making this whole gender identity thing up. Finding sources of affirmation, whether from your support network, from positive social media influences, or a personal journaling, self-talk, or meditation practice can be extremely helpful in offsetting the negative thoughts and feelings associated with dysphoria. The more the affirmation comes from an outside source, the less mental work we have to do to provide the same level of protection and, often, the more likely we are to believe it.
  4. Activities and Interests. Part of burnout, for me anyway, is a lack of interest in things that I would usually enjoy. The frustrating thing is that engaging in things I enjoy makes me feel better. The trick is to find activities and interests that do not trigger any dysphoria. This allows you to engage in your activity or interest with less mental effort so that it doesn’t make the burnout worse which results in a net gain of positive emotion and energy.

Process the Stress

This concept is directly from the book I recommended earlier. The gist is that we experience our emotions in our bodies as a chemical and neurological process. When we are under constant stress (as with dysphoria), our bodies are constantly in ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode. Even if we get a burst of euphoria or a period of relief from dysphoria, our bodies still have to complete the chemical reaction or neurological pattern that was triggered by the stress. If we don’t engage in activities that encourage this completion to happen, our bodies remain in the stress state which only gets stronger the next time we experience stress (five minutes later).

So while we can’t necessarily get rid of the stressor (dysphoria) and stop it from triggering a stress response in our bodies, we can do various things to move through the stress response in our bodies, complete it, hit the reset button, so that the responses to this continual stress don’t compound as much. For me, the most useful activities are physical activity of any kind, breathing, affection, positive social engagement, and creativity (writing, painting, and crocheting). With so many options, it is easy to engage in at least one per day, usually more.

One of the tricks to making this as effective as possible for me is to do these activities mindfully. To focus on the calming effect it is having on my body, mind, and emotions. Or, if there was a specific situation that was stressful that I am ruminating on (because my body is still stuck in that stress cycle), I focus on that situation at the beginning of the activity, think through it, feel the emotions that I felt at the time (or didn’t allow myself to feel at the time), and continue the activity until the emotions and the associated physiological response dissipate. The amount of relief this brings in a very short span of time is pretty incredible.

Tl;dr

Burnout sucks and makes us feel numb, exhausted, and irritable. Dysphoria can lead to burnout due to the constant mental effort that is invisible to or misunderstood by the people around us. You can help yourself avoid repeated cycles of burnout by preventing as much dysphoria as possible, protecting yourself against the negative effects of dysphoria, and processing the physiological stress triggered by dysphoria (and any other sources of stress).

I hope this helps you. It is what I needed to hear five years ago. Leave a comment below or send me an email with your thoughts and experiences of burnout. Maybe your experiences are similar to mine and maybe they are very different. Either way, your experiences have value and I would love to hear about them.

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RESOURCES

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Reflections on Top Surgery, Part 3 : Post Surgery

Gender affirming chest masculinization “top surgery” is one of the major defining moments for trans men. But getting from your existing chest to the one you want to have can be overwhelming from both the information overload and emotional point of view. Having had surgery 3 years ago, I wanted to share my thoughts on surgery in case it may help someone else in the same position. I’ve created a 3 part series on surgery : Pre-surgery, surgery itself, and post- surgery.

This will be mainly from my personal experience as a mostly binary trans man, but could easily be applied to non-binary/GNC people.

If you haven’t read Part 1: Pre-surgery and Part 2: Surgery, start there. To recap: I had a phone consultation with a privately funded top surgeon in Ontario, who gave me a surgery date 6 weeks later. I had my surgery, had my bandages removed, but still had to wear a compressive binder for a couple more weeks.

Initial recovery

Right after the disaster of visiting the clinic for the last time, we went to a nearby mall for some fast food self care. I went into the food court bathroom which was the first public washroom since surgery and I automatically felt 100 times safer. I felt like I belonged. I didn’t feel like an imposter that everyone would automatically clock and tell me that I was in the wrong bathroom. This bathroom euphoria wouldn’t last (more on this in a future post and other bathroom shenanigans here) but for now it was an amazing experience and I couldn’t wait to use another public bathroom!

Our flight home was uneventful. I was nervously waiting for a security officer to ask why I was walking so stiffly, or wonder why I was covered in bandages but nothing happened.

Once home I had another week off before returning to work, but my energy levels did not bounce back as quickly as I had hoped. I ended up taking an additional week off.

In those couple of weeks after surgery I was mostly numb across my whole chest and down my sides. Showering was weird since I could feel the water near my neck and on my belly, but not in between. I was also getting weird prickly sensations across my chest and I would itch but it didn’t help at all. Meaghan Ray said it was my nerves starting to boot back up, so I rubbed a rough cloth across my chest to help my skin remember what sensation was all about and stop freaking out which seemed to help. This technique is called desensitization. Leave a comment or send us an email for more info.

I wore the binder all day and night, and applied polysporin to my incisions and nipples. Slowly they closed up and started healing with more normal skin tones. There was a point in healing where the scabs on my nipples started coming off in small pieces, and since the healed skin underneath was so much lighter, it looked like my nipples had fallen off entirely! It was terrifying until more of the scabs came off and I could see that my nipple was still intact.

Getting back to normal life

When I returned to work after being gone for 3 weeks, people were happy to see me, but for them not much had changed. It was like I had gone for a vacation and come back. It was very frustrating because I had spent a bunch of money to have body parts removed in order to “pass” and meet society’s expectations of what I should look like, but people still couldn’t use the proper pronouns. It felt like I had a big incision and T-rex arms for nothing. My euphoria and confidence slowly drained.

Once I stopped wearing the binder and started feeling the shirt directly against my skin, my confidence began to return. I didn’t care as much about being misgendered because I could feel how flat I was and it was awesome.

I wanted to minimize scarring so I massaged my scars with oil at least once a day for several months. I also didn’t raise my arms above shoulder height for 6+ months which made getting back to working out consistently a struggle. Everyone heals differently so it’s hard to tell if it made any difference but protecting my scars was the thing I had control over and it feels like I did the right thing for me.

Post op Depression

One experience specific to top surgery is having to keep your elbows at your sides for months which limits your use of your arms and therefore your independence. I was a bit angsty with how weak and dependent I was and I am prone to depression so the first couple weeks were a bit rough for me. But having the support of Meaghan Ray and seeing how excited they were for me helped me find that excitement for myself.

Many people experience post-op depression after top surgery. If you google “post op depression” the autofill option for “after top surgery” is only 4 options below. It happens after many surgeries due to some metabolic and physiological reasons as well as having time to yourself while you recover to ponder your life choices. It can especially happen after top surgery or other gender confirmation surgeries because there is usually a long buildup from when you are starting to wonder if you are trans, to finally getting a result in the mirror you are looking for, usually years later. You are looking forward to having the surgery completed, but then there is physical recovery, there is pain, maybe there are complications which feels like it robs you of the excitement you were expecting. And now that the surgery is completed, there is a sense of not having something to look forward to anymore.

Another aspect is that while your brain is telling you what you want, the actual experience of being unconscious for 2 hours and having something removed that you were carrying for 15+ years, makes part of your brain go haywire. Something is suddenly no longer there. And while you were mentally picturing what it would look and feel like, you didn’t know exactly what that would be like. So there is an adjustment period while your brain catches up. And having to wait while your brain straightens itself out makes you doubt that you have made the right decision.

While I definitely experienced all these types of thoughts, they didn’t cause a spiral into depression which I am grateful for.

Where I’m at now, 3 years later

I am still a little self conscious when taking off my shirt around others. 31 years of social training will take a little while to fight against. I have gone swimming in pools and the ocean with no shirt which was empowering. Looking down while showering is great. Doing skin to skin contact on my chest with my newborn kid was thrilling.

Once I did get back to working out and doing other activity, not having the wobble of my chest was amazing. One of the first things I noticed after that wobble was gone was the jiggle from my belly! It was a weird sensation but I quickly adjusted.

Every once in a while after I wake up in the morning my brain will remind me to grab a bra from my dresser, but then I laugh to myself when I go to open the drawer. T-shirts and button up shirts fit so much better now.

There was a point where I was wondering if I wanted a revision for what we affectionately call “the crinkle” in the middle of my chest between my scars. It would be free and the clinic was more than willing to set it up, but when it came time to booking the appointment I never followed through. I had started accepting what my chest looked like, and then grew to love it. It will never be a cis male chest since I am not a cis male, and that is ok.

Having a flat chest has greatly increased my general gender euphoria, and decreased my chest dysphoria down to nearly zero. My social dysphoria was also decreasing as my voice deepened and I grew a scraggly mustache. About 3 months after top surgery when I was healed a decent amount and not struggling with day to day activities I did notice a shift in dysphoria. The very blatant dysphoria of “you have breasts, everyone thinks you’re a girl” was pretty much gone, but my discomfort with my lower area (which I didn’t have much of before surgery) started ramping up to noticeable levels. This is also very common in trans guys – once the seemingly obvious problem gets dealt with, the focus moves to a more personal but just as glaring difference between what you were born with and what you should have.

As trans or GNC people, our dysphoria will likely never go completely away. There will be sudden surprising moments of “I wish my hands were a better size, they completely give me away as trans” or having to explain a different name on a credit application. But hopefully as time goes on, our gender euphoria and comfort with our bodies (surgically altered or not) will increase and those moments of dysphoria will be so much less devastating than they were at the beginning of transition. Having top surgery was life changing for me and provides so much gender euphoria armour against dysphoria frustrations, and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to pursue it.

I hope you found this 3 part series on top surgery helpful! If you are contemplating top surgery and have questions leave them in the comments below, or send an email to letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com.

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