Month: April 2021

Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 2)

This is a continuation of Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)

INTERESTS AND CAREERS ARE FOR EVERYONE

I think you’re getting the picture by now. This categorization of clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, and just about every consumer item also gets applied to activities and careers. Many cis people fight against this with varying levels of difficulty. But many people are unaware that they have been guided towards some interests and away from others.

Many trans people transition while in the work force and either start out as the odd one out or become the odd one out in their field. Only after transitioning do they realize how hard it was to swim against the current or how much harder it is now that they have to.

The extra effort it takes to do something we love, either for fun or for work, when it is not something that our gender category should be good at or interested in is unnecessary but very real. Sometimes it is subtle – confused or disparaging looks from friends and family when you talk about it or messaging that is always aimed at the other binary gender category. Sometimes it is overt – harassment, withdrawal of family support, lack of promotion, less pay, difficulty getting hired. These pressures are like the banks of a river, trying to keep us in line. But sometimes rivers chart a new course or spill over the bank.

Don’t let societal pressure stop you from doing something you love. Find the support of people who believe in you and other people in the same situation as you. Form your own group and keep going. (Caveat: if fighting this type of fight against the current is taking too much of a toll on you, don’t be afraid to step back. Find a different way to do what you love, even if it wasn’t plan A. Your mental health matters more than changing the system from the inside.)

MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY ARE FOR EVERYONE

What is masculinity? Write a list of what masculinity means to you. Now, beside each trait, write the name of a person who identifies as a woman who exemplifies that trait.

What is femininity? Write a list of what femininity means to you. Now, beside each trait, write the name of a person who identifies as a man who exemplifies that trait.

Masculinity and femininity do not equal male and female or man and woman. Anyone can embody traits that are deemed by society to be masculine or feminine and often we all do. If we question society’s categorization of these traits, we start to realize that the terms ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ lose their meaning. That is because they are arbitrary. Everyone’s definition of these terms is going to be different depending on their experiences.

Some traits that are deemed masculine are referred to with words that have a positive connotation when referring to a man with that trait and a negative connotation when referring to a woman with that trait. Managerial vs bossy for example. The same goes for feminine traits. A sensitive woman vs an emotional man. Be aware of how people are described and see if you notice this use of connotation to indicate a positive or negative value of their level of masculinity or femininity. Try describing the person using a word with a positive connotation and see how people respond.

List your own traits – personality, presentation, interests, etc. How many of them can you easily label as masculine and feminine? Did you write any using negative words? What category do those fall under? Can you find a word that means the same thing but with a positive connotation? (Think of applying that word to friend – how would you flip it?)

Masculinity and femininity are not specific to sex, gender, name, pronoun, race, social standing, or any other category. They are for everyone.

YOUR PRESENTATION IS YOURS TO PLAY WITH

If clothing, jewelry, makeup, toys, interests, careers, and any other masculine or feminine (or androgynous) trait is available to everyone, that means you get to decide what you include in your presentation, regardless of consumer category. You can pick and choose whatever parts feel best for you on a given day.

Presenting in ways that defy consumer categories will attract more attention, often negative attention. Trans people are painfully aware of this. Before transitioning, they sometimes hide who they are and work hard to fit in with a presentation that is expected of them. Then, during their transition, they fight to present how they are most comfortable despite all the negative attention. After socially transitioning, they sometimes present in a way that matches a binary consumer category in order to avoid that same negative attention. It takes a lot of support, self-confidence, courage, and often privilege to be able to consistently defy consumer categories and present how you prefer.

If your preferred presentation matches pretty closely to one of the two consumer categories, you are lucky. But don’t let that stop you from finding the subtle ways that you butt up against the edge of your typical category or even cross the boundary into the other one. These are the aspects of yourself that tell you that you are being authentic, an individual, not a slave to binary gendered consumerism.

Go and be free! Consumer categories are irrelevant! Be who you are, present how you want to, defy expectations!

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Trans Wisdom: Consumer Categories are Irrelevant (Part 1)

CLOTHING IS FOR EVERYONE

Have you ever been shopping for clothes in the part of the store that is labeled with your gender and felt like nothing fits you or feels like the right style? Have you ever shopped for yourself in the other section of the store?

Because our society sees masculinity as the standard and femininity as a deviation that is only acceptable for specific people, I would guess that people who identify as or are assumed to be women are more likely to shop across consumer boundaries. It is less likely, and potentially dangerous, for people who are assumed to be men to shop in the section labeled ‘women’.

Trans people have to find ways around this in order to find clothes that feel good. They find a friend who is assumed to be the gender of the category they want to shop in who is the same size as they are and go shopping together. They pretend to be shopping for a partner or friend ‘who is the same size’. Or they go in a group so they are less likely to be harassed or have support from each other if they are harassed.

Clothes from different sections are shaped differently. Sometimes our bodies don’t match the shape that the consumer category says we should have. Sometimes our bodies are closer to the shape of the opposite consumer category. Or we prefer the style of the clothes from the other category but they don’t match the shape of our bodies. Many trans people learn how to alter their own clothes or find a friend from the community who will do it for them. Or pay to have alterations done.

Nonbinary people especially have free reign. There is no ‘nonbinary’ section of clothing stores. What would even go in that section? A little bit of everything? Next time you go clothes shopping, pretend you’re nonbinary if that helps you ignore the gendered categories on the signs.

You don’t have to compromise on clothes that are the right style just because the manufacturer decided that they were for a different body type than yours or a different gender. Find the clothes that feel good for you, alter them if you have to, and ignore the label above that section of the store.

ACCESSORIES AND MAKEUP ARE FOR EVERYONE

As with clothing, play around with accessories and makeup if you have never done it before. ‘Dainty’ jewelry isn’t only for ‘women’ and heavy, thick jewelry isn’t only for ‘men’. I have had to alter every watch band I’ve gotten in the last few years because the watch face I want only comes on a band that is too big for my wrist. As if no man could possibly have such a narrow wrist. Or no one with such a narrow wrist would choose to wear a large faced watch that doesn’t have sparkles on it.

If you like bright colours, try wearing nail polish if you never have before. Start with a clear coat that is nearly invisible to see how you feel about it. If the idea of makeup interests you, ignore what the consumer categories say about who it’s for and try a bit of eye shadow or lipstick. If you have a child who was assigned male at birth and you are raising as a boy, let him play with makeup and jewelry without shaming him.

Again, this sort of exploration is going to be more difficult for anyone assumed to be male or assigned male at birth who wants to explore things that are labeled ‘feminine’. They especially need lots of support, protection, and community. But that doesn’t mean that it is wrong. Just that society tries to convince us it’s wrong. Trans people know better.

TOYS ARE FOR EVERYONE

A lot of trans people remember wanting to play with specific toys as kids and being told no or even punished for it. The stupid thing is that toys are inert. They don’t have preferences. So why can’t any child play with any toy?

If you go into a toy store or the toy sections of a superstore you will see a pink aisle with dolls and ponies and unicorns and maybe some pink blocks and you will see another aisle with bold colours like blue, red, and black filled with all kinds of vehicles, tools, blocks, building sets, and first responders. This is completely unnecessary and is designed to get parents to buy more toys by making them feel like the toys for one child are not transferrable to a child of a different gender.

As adults, you see the same thing. Bikes are built differently with the assumption that women will be wearing skirts or dresses and will need to cross their leg over the bar instead of behind the seat. Anything that is labeled ‘masculine’ will only appeal to women if it is pastel coloured or sparkly. Anything labeled ‘feminine’ has to be rebranded entirely and labeled ‘masculine’ before it will appeal to men. No, the gendering of inanimate objects doesn’t end with kid’s toys.

Next time you go shopping for something fun for yourself, your partner, a friend, or your kids, ignore the categories. What is their favourite colour? What would they enjoy having? Think of them as an individual rather than a member of a gender category. If they are a man that has dry hands and enjoys gardening, get them a cream that has a scent that reminds you of their garden.

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

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Trans Wisdom: Language Is Important

PRONOUNS ARE FOR EVERYONE

Since trans people have become more visible, pronouns have been discussed a lot more openly. The funny thing is, we were all using pronouns the whole time. We were simply assuming the gender of the people around us based on their presentation and then assigning the pronoun that related to that gender.

What trans people are trying to show the general public is that not only can you not assume someone’s gender based on appearance but you also can’t guess what pronouns someone is most comfortable with. This means we have to ask people what pronouns they use. Not only if someone looks ambiguous or doesn’t fit our cis-based expectations. Everyone.

This means cis people should also get asked what pronouns they use. Even better, cis people should be initiating the conversation about pronouns with each other. Specify your pronouns and then ask a new acquaintance for their pronouns. Keep doing this until it no longer feels awkward.

Have you ever thought about what pronouns you are comfortable with? Have you ever tried referring to yourself with a set of pronouns you don’t typically use? Try it. See how it feels. If it’s extremely uncomfortable, you will have a better understanding of what trans people experience. Maybe you’ll discover that a different set of pronouns actually does feel better than what you’ve been using. If pronouns do not equal gender, your gender can align with what you were assigned at birth (you can be cisgender) even if you are more comfortable with a different set of pronouns.

KNOW WHAT LANGUAGE FEELS GOOD TO YOU

There is a lot of gendered language out there other than pronouns. Depending on your history with various terms, some of it will be comfortable for you and some won’t. You can think critically about the language that people use to refer to you on a daily basis and decide what you’re okay with and what you’re not. And then you can ask those around you to use the language that you’re comfortable with.

This practice is part of the trans experience but is not exclusive to being trans. When someone comes out as trans, most of what gets talked about is respecting their name and pronouns (very important). But another component is using appropriately gendered language. Saying ‘hey girl’ in greeting to a trans man is likely to be extremely uncomfortable for them while saying it to a trans woman might be very affirming.

More to the point, there might be cis men that like being greeted with ‘hey girl’ and cis women who hate it. You are allowed to specify what language people use to refer to you. But in order to do that you have to know what language bothers you and what language you would prefer them to use instead.

ANYONE CAN CHANGE THEIR NAME

Lots of people change their last names when they get married. Trans people often change their first names. If trans people can do it, so can cis people. You do not have to change your gender marker when you change your name. Those are two completely separate processes. You can change your name to anything you want. You can do this legally without asking people to call you by the new name, you can ask people to call you a different name but not bother to change it legally, or you can do both. It is a challenging, irritating process but it does not require you to provide proof of being trans.

If you or someone you know might be interested in changing their name and is wondering where to start, ask a trans person who lives in your area! If they haven’t gone through the process yet, they can likely find out how from someone they know.

LANGUAGE CAN BE DANGEROUS OR PROTECTIVE

It is extremely important to be aware of the context in which you are using language. It can be irresponsible and possibly damaging to your relationship if you refer to a mutual friend’s recent cancer diagnosis when you were the only person they had told. Or if you treat someone differently after they tell you they’re pregnant and thus alert others to that fact before they were ready.

Outing someone as trans in a situation where they are vulnerable (to their employer, to a group of people who are potentially transphobic, to their family that they live with) can be extremely dangerous. This could happen a couple different ways: if they are assumed to be their correct gender by those around them (stealth) and you make reference to their trans status or misgender them, or if they are assumed to be their gender assigned at birth and you refer to them with their correct name or pronouns.

However, constantly misgendering someone in situations where they want to be identified for who they are also has a chronic negative effect on their mental health. For this reason, making sure to gender them correctly has a protective effect. It also sets a good example for the people around them.

So if gendering them correctly and gendering them according to their sex assigned at birth could be both dangerous and protective depending on the situation, how are you supposed to know what language to use?

You ask them privately, or better yet, in advance.

It is important to find out who knows what type of information and who it is safe to mention it to. This is the same strategy that you should use for other types of sensitive information such as a cancer diagnosis or pregnancy. Find out who else knows and how that should inform the language you use around them.

INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE REQUIRES SPECIFICITY

Lots of people or organizations want to be inclusive. They filter out any words from their messaging that label a specific group of people assuming that the more generic their message, the more inclusive it is. For a general statement of address such as changing ‘ladies and gentlemen’ to ‘honoured guests’ this is fine. But for anything more specific than that, in my experience, generic does not equal inclusive.

If language doesn’t specify a group of people or a specific experience, the assumption is that it is designed to meet the needs of the majority, not designed to be inclusive.

Another way people try to use language to be inclusive is by naming a specific group and tailoring their services to that group. This becomes a concern when their services are actually related to an experience, not a group. They make the assumption that everyone in that group shares that experience and everyone with that experience belongs to that group. For example, labeling everything related to pregnancy as a woman’s experience. Instead, it is more inclusive to name the experience instead of a group. For example, ‘people who menstruate’ instead of ‘women’.

In order to use language in inclusive ways you also have to know how the meaning of words has changed over time and how different groups of people use words differently. The same messaging could mean very different things to people of different generations, different races, or different classes.

It’s hard to be completely inclusive but using language that is as specific to what you really are talking about makes it more clear who you are referring to.

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Trans Wisdom: The Power of Community

COMMUNITY HAS EXPERIENCIAL KNOWLEDGE

Many things in life, including transitioning, are difficult, complex, and not well understood by the general public. Navigating these experiences is difficult in part because there is so little information available about what to expect, what to avoid, and what resources are available and helpful.

Communities are full of people who have gone there before you. They have way more knowledge and information that is tried, tested, and true than any professional or google search can provide. The bigger the community, the wider the range of experiences and suggestions you will find and the more likely you will find something that works for you.

Without the local trans community, we would not have known that ‘the proper referral process’ that our family doctor was following was outdated and incorrect. We would not have found a doctor willing to follow the current referral process to prescribe my husband Testosterone. We would not have had personal recommendations for where to go for surgery. We would not have had scripts to use when encountering resistance at various governmental and private institutions when trying to change his name and gender marker on documentation. We would not have had scripts to use when acquaintances, friends, and family asked inappropriate, invasive, or poorly worded questions. We would not have been prepared for how long the waitlist was for specialist referrals needed to complete paperwork.

So much of what we learned about how to navigate my husband’s transition came from our community. Without the community, we would have struggled significantly more, waited for specialists that were not required, and felt incredibly alone.

COMMUNITY PROVIDES SUPPORT

We need support from a variety of sources when we are going through something difficult and big. Support from a broader community is one of those sources. Being part of a community of people that are all experiencing something similar normalizes the experience and provides validation.

Often, when our experiences are rarely or poorly represented in mainstream media, we are left feeling like we are the only ones going through this. This can lead to questioning whether your experience is legitimate, whether your reactions to this experience are valid, whether you should be dealing with it differently or better, or whether you’re doing the right thing. We can feel lost, isolated, confused, self-conscious, fearful, anxious, and angry. We can internalize the judgements and negative responses from those around us, including what is represented in mainstream media.

While having a community won’t automatically make the experience an easy, positive one, it will show us that there are others out there struggling and thriving in similar circumstances to our own. Seeing someone else describe their own experience in the same way we would, navigating the same barriers and systems, struggling with similar emotions, tells us that our experience is shared, normal, and valid. We find voices other than our own to counteract the negativity and judgement that we have internalized.

Normalization and validation of our experiences doesn’t take away the difficult aspects, but it helps fortify us against the toll that those parts of our experience can take on us. It helps us weather them. Community gives us someone to talk to who will respond with positivity, understanding, and support without us having to first explain our experience to them from the beginning.

COMMUNITY MEMBERS HAVE IMPLICIT UNDERSTANDING

People who share our experiences will automatically understand our struggles, milestones, and achievements. This is huge. If you need support, even just an ‘aw that sucks’ or ‘I hear you’, and you share your point of struggle with someone outside your community, instead of support you might get a blank stare, a confused look, a platitude, or an inappropriate question. In order to get the response you’re looking for you would have to explain your situation from the beginning, often sharing a lot of personal information in order to bring them up to speed, and may not ever get them to the point of understanding enough to provide the support you need.

I repeated this process many, many times over the course of my husband’s transition. I spent more energy in the explanation than I received in whatever support I got back. The more marginalized your experience is, the less likely it will be that you will automatically get the response you’re looking for. I found a huge difference between the support I got when I had a miscarriage vs the support I got when my husband was transitioning (and we were struggling against systemic barriers).

It was always such a relief when we could tell a group of trans people about something that had happened and immediately get the response we were hoping for, be it support, commiseration, information, or celebration, without having to provide any explanation or background. I learned through trial and error when it was worth explaining my situation to non-community members and when to keep my struggles and triumphs to myself until I had community to share it with.

COMMUNITY HELPS US CELEBRATE

I didn’t realize how important this function of community was until I had something to celebrate and got a response from non-community members that was sympathetic or blank instead of excited. It really takes away from the positive experience when someone assumes it’s negative and you have to explain the whole backstory before they conceptually get it. Even then, they don’t really feel excited for you.

But members of your community do. They have celebrated the same things or are looking forward to the moment when they can. They understand how hard it was to get there. They understand why that milestone is worth celebrating. Without community, the milestone passes you by with a small blip of excitement, self-satisfaction, accomplishment, pride, relief, and perhaps some apprehension about what comes next. But when you get to celebrate with community, your milestone is celebrated by so many others that it is magnified. It becomes a bright moment in a timeline of struggle that you can look back on to give you strength when you need it.

Being able to celebrate the high moments with people that understand can shift our perspective of the entire experience. It can shift the focus from the struggle and loss to the achievement, hope, and success. The story of our experience, when we look back on it, is now characterized by the moments we celebrated with the community. They shine so brightly that they overpower the dark parts between them. They don’t erase the struggle but when the experience if viewed from farther away, they stand out as the most important parts. They make the rest of the experience worth it.

COMMUNITIES HAVE LOUDER VOICES

The voice of the many is often louder than the voice of the few. The more marginalized your experience is, the more powerful the effect of the community. These are also the experiences that get the least attention from media, politicians, health care, and research. Community is necessary to amplify our voices to share our experiences and gain access to the resources and services we need.

The members of a community often have a wide range of outside expertise, connections, and influence. So not only do they have a louder voice, but they can often find a way to get their message heard by the right people with a lot less effort than a single person might.

Communities can form organizations, develop a funding base, and develop their own resources. They can hold fundraisers that are coordinated across an entire country. They can pool their resources from multiple sites and put them towards something that no one person from the community would be able to change.

Feeling like your voice is being heard and that you helped to change the system so that the next person to go through a similar experience will have a slightly easier time of it than you did is huge.

What experience have you had where being a member of a community made a big impact on you or the wider world? What other ways did being a member of a community impact you? Leave a comment below or send me an email!

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