Toddler – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

While You Are Sleeping: A Poem to My Baby

Over the course of the last year, the first year of my child’s life, I have experienced many intense moments. Sometimes these happen over a discrete period of time – a moment, a day, or even a few weeks – and then they pass. Other times, like the one described in this poem, these intense moments happen repeatedly, in small bursts, and are related to a particular activity.

For me, one of these has been the emotions, sense of connection or disconnection, and shifts in identity that occur while I’m watching my baby sleep.

While You Are Sleeping

While you are sleeping, 
I watch.
I listen. 
Your fist clenches, opens, relaxes. 
Your breathing catches, slows, deepens. 
Your face winces, smooths, smiles. 
Peaceful.
Makes me feel peaceful.
Because of our connection.
Makes me aware of our connection.
You are the seed of my soul,
Life of my body. 

While you are sleeping, 
I watch.
I listen.
I can't help it. 
I am drawn to you. 
I feel obsessed.
Your peacefulness is a drug. 
It soothes me. 
Slows time. 
Pause. 
Quiet.

While you are sleeping,
I have given you all you need, 
For now, in this moment.
Satisfaction.
Pride.
Confidence.
No demands, frustration, concern,
To overshadow the good feelings.
The powerful feelings.
The awe.
The wonder.
The love.

While you are sleeping,
All your needs are met.
For now.
Relief.
Not being needed.
My body is my own. 
My time is my own. 
My space is my own. 
Freedom.

While you are sleeping,
All your needs are met.
For now. 
Relief. 
Not being needed.
Confusion.
I am not needed.
I am lost, untethered.
Who am I, when I’m not needed?
What do I do, when I’m not needed?
Lost.

I look at you again, 
While you are sleeping,
Peaceful.
I feel our connection.
You are the seed of my soul,
Life of my body.
I am here to protect you, 
Guide you.
I feel the enormity of the role I now live,
Feel myself filling that space and overflowing,
Expanding to be more than I am. 

While you are sleeping,
I have space, time, energy,
To care for myself. 
To care for our space. 
To rest and recharge, 
So I am ready 
For when you awake.

Over the course of the last year my identity as a human and as a parent has shifted a number of times. My relationship to myself and my child has changed, morphed, adapted. This is reflected in the different experiences that are brought out by the same activity of watching my baby sleep. The collection of experiences I describe in the poem happened over the span of our first year together. They aren’t necessarily presented in chronological order but are more of an overall impression of what I can and have experienced or thought about while watching my baby sleep. I hope some or all of it resonated with you.

If you would like to share your own experiences of what it feels like to watch your baby sleep, or another type of activity that gives you similar types of emotions and experiences, leave a comment below or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you!

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How I Respond When Strangers Gender My Child

MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY CHILD’S GENDER PRESENTATION

When we’re going out for a walk, to a park, or to a grocery store, I have to decide what my child is going to wear. When I choose my own clothes, it is often based on gender related factors – dysphoria and euphoria, how I want my gender to be viewed by others, safety – and of course, the weather. But my goal is to provide my child with a wide variety of gender related experiences. This includes styles and colours of clothing.

Sometimes I’ll pick a well coordinated cute outfit that looks cute because it all matches and not care about the gendered component. Sometimes I’ll specifically pick an outfit that is white and pink and purple and teal. Sometimes I’ll pick clothes that are red and black and navy blue. More often, I’ll pick a mix of things – a pink top with navy blue pants and red dinosaur socks. Or a blue and yellow striped top, jeans, and pink unicorn socks.

I try to pick clothes based on what I like and the experience I want to give my child. But I am also aware that the clothes my child is wearing is the main way strangers will determine my child’s gender. Other than their clothes and accessories (hair clips, bows, toys, lunchbox, backpack, etc) children appear fairly gender neutral. I have fun using my child’s clothing to test and/or mess with strangers’ perceptions of my child’s gender (or really, since they haven’t developed a gender identity yet, their sex).

THE DREADED QUESTION

Some strangers are bold enough to ask if my child is a boy or a girl. I know this is often coming from a place of wanting to be respectful during our interaction and use the correct pronouns.

I hate this question.

As a nonbinary person, I find it frustrating, othering, and triggering. It often makes me freeze. I am stuck between the place of wanting to educate/counteract the stranger’s binary assumptions, honour our experiences as a gender creative family, and avoid conflict by providing an easy answer.

I would love to say “It doesn’t matter. Any pronouns are fine.” Of the many times I have been posed this question, I have only been able to make myself use this answer a couple times. Most often, I cave and say the gender that matches my child’s sex assigned at birth. I hate that my child hears me assign them a gender in answer to this question. This factor will become more important to me as my child gets older and may help me stick with my preferred, open ended answer.

But what if they don’t ask? What if they assume? That’s where it gets interesting.

WHEN STRANGERS ASSIGN MY CHILD A GENDER

Because of how I dress my child, and possibly because they have thick curly/wavy light brown/blonde hair, strangers choose to refer to my child as a girl or a boy in approximately equal amounts. I find this fascinating.

What’s even more interesting is that the gender they choose to assign my child doesn’t always match the societal gender norms based on the clothes I chose that day. I’ve had people assume my child is a girl when they’re wearing black, blue, and red. Less often, but still once or twice, I’ve had strangers assume my child is a boy when they’re wearing white, pink, and purple with lace or ruffles.

In no way do I think that certain colours or clothing styles are ‘girl’ clothes or ‘boy’ clothes. In fact, my whole parenting strategy around clothes and gender is an attempt to teach my child that this is not the case. But I am very much aware that people use these as gender related signals.

So when strangers assign my child a gender, what does that say about my child, or my decisions around what they wear? Absolutely nothing. It is a reflection of the stranger’s biases, stereotypes, and assumptions. Some people heavily gender strangers based on their clothing. Some people gender strangers based on their hair style or facial features, or any other numerous factors.

The funny thing to me is that the majority of these ‘gendered’ signals aren’t present in babies and young children. Yet the majority of people still look for them and make an assumption based on the limited information the parents have given them via the child’s clothing, hairstyle, and accessories. The need to assign a gender is so strong that most people will try to do it despite having limited and even conflicting information. The alternative – to not know a child’s gender – is so far outside their awareness as being an option that their brain doesn’t even consider it as a fallback plan.

TO CORRECT THEM OR NOT, THAT IS THE QUESTION

When strangers gender my child using pronouns that are associated with their sex assigned at birth, I usually go with it. This is how our child is most often gendered at home and at daycare. We are trying to provide gendered experiences from a wide range regardless of their sex assignment but we have still chosen to use binary gendered pronouns for the most part. As stated above, I often dress my child in a variety of colours and styles of clothing so I usually find it interesting and wonder what about my child’s presentation lead them in that direction.

When strangers gender my child using the binary pronouns that are not typically associated with their sex assigned at birth, more thoughts go through my head. I still find it interesting and wonder what lead them to that assumption. Then I wonder ‘Should I correct them?’ If I do, this will challenge the stranger’s connections between my child’s presentation and their gender. But it will also model to my child that their gender is supposed to match their sex assigned at birth. This is a transphobic belief and not one I want to reinforce for my child. If I don’t correct them, the stranger gets to keep their assumptions around presentation and gender in tact (unfortunately) but my child gets a more gender expansive experience of getting to see how it feels being referred to using different pronouns.

So far, I err on the side of ‘go with the flow’, avoid conflict, and provide my child with a more interesting gender experience. After all, my child’s experience is more important than expanding a stranger’s mind. However, as soon as my child expresses awareness of their own gender and a preference for a particular set of pronouns and language, I will be happily correcting strangers whenever they get it wrong.

How do you respond when someone genders your child, correctly or incorrectly? What tthoughts go through your head when deciding how to respond?

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From Baby to Toddler: First Birthday and First Anniversary of Birthing

MILESTONES VS ANNIVERSARIES

Milestones are typically cumulative: one leads to the next and to the next, either in number (as with birthdays) or in skill level (as with motor development). Anniversaries, on the other hand, are a remembering of a singular event. Milestones feel like an accomplishment, a moving forward. Anniversaries feel like pausing and looking back, to see how far we’ve come.

The first birthday of my child was a strange mix of both. Their first birthday: a huge milestone, and hopefully the first of many birthdays to come. The one-year anniversary of their birth: this time last year I was in labour for four days, having an experience unlike any other in my life.

The birthday celebration feels very external – it’s about the baby, how much they’ve changed and grown in one year (so much!) and celebrating with family. The anniversary of birthing feels very internal and personal. It’s an experience I went through with my husband that we have only shared with a couple people.

So how are you supposed to celebrate these two highly interconnected experiences that are so wildly different?

FIRST BIRTHDAY: IS IT REALLY THAT IMPORTANT?

For most birthdays, it’s all about the person who’s birthday it is. But for a child’s first birthday, they don’t really understand what’s happening, don’t have any expectations of what a birthday is, and won’t be disappointed if it is skipped altogether. So why bother with all the fuss?

For the parents of course! Getting through the first year of your child’s life is a huge accomplishment. Whether it felt easy or hard, take this excuse to celebrate!

We initially didn’t really care about having a party. Everyone was busy, I was navigating the end of parental leave and returning to work, and our kid was just starting daycare and was exhausted. But we knew we would feel disappointed if we didn’t. So we made it work. We had a small family gathering outdoors and our baby got to try cake for the first time. It was nothing extravagent but it was definitely important.

Our baby is now officially a toddler (but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop calling them my baby).

REMEMBERING THE BIRTHING PROCESS

In the days leading up to my baby’s first birthday, I was tracking what was happening the year before. A year ago at this time I was just starting labour. A year ago at this time we were talking to the midwife for the second day in a row. A year ago at this time things were getting pretty intense and I was already exhausted. A year ago at this time we were heading to the hospital. A year ago at this time we were holding our baby for the first time.

I had a long slow labour. This remembering, therefore, spans the three days prior to my baby’s birthday as well as the birthday itself. At the same time as wanting to remember these experiences, life was continuing on. I was at work one of those days. We were doing two hour daycare visits on two of those days. My husband was working for three of those days and we didn’t have much time to reminisce together. So sometimes, something important had happened the year prior, but the moment had already passed by the time I had the awareness to remember.

It felt like I was doing the experience and myself a disservice by missing these key moments. But really, no one around me knew or cared. It was just for myself and therefore I can decide how and when I remember them. Not remembering them at that exact moment a year later doesn’t mean they didn’t happen, that I’ve forgotten about them, or that I’m ignoring the impact they had. It just means that it was one experience, a moment in time, and I am continuing to live my life beyond that moment.

I definitely want to find a way to commemorate this experience more concretely next year. I want to include my husband, and potentially even my child, in my remembering process. I want to build a tradition.

BUILDING TRADITIONS

Traditions are important. They are used to mark milestones (such as having a birthday celebration) and anniversaries (such as going on a date or exchanging gifts on your wedding anniversary). Because of this, a tradition can tie these two wildly different connected experiences toogether.

For me, a tradition around my birthing experience would involve some recognition of the intensity and endurance involved in that experience. It would be a remembering and celebrating of what my body was and is capable of and the role my husband played in supporting me through that process. This year, I did this mostly on my own, internally, with a bit of sharing with my husband.

A tradition around my child’s birthday would be pretty typical – the cake and candles, the presents, and the family gathering. I also want to include a reflection on the past year – some of my child’s, and our family’s, important experiences, challenges, and achievements. This year, we had a family party with cake (no candles because fire and one-year-olds is a dangerous combination), and my husband and I did a quiet re-reading of our monthly baby journal entries and a look back through our pictures and videos.

One way we could combine these experiences in the future is with a candle. I would light the candle on the anniversary of when my labour started, each of the next few evenings we would share some memories of the labour experience and the past year of our child’s life, and on their birthday we would light the candles on their birthday cake (or cupcake if the actual party is on a different day) using the same candle. My labour candle lights my child’s birthday candles. It has the symbolism and recognition I’m looking for.

Maybe next year I’ll write another post describing what we actually end up doing. Until then, let me know what your experience of your child’s first birthday was. How do you comemorate your labour and birthing experience?

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From Baby to Toddler: Motor Milestones and Ableism

FROM BABY TO TODDLER: FIRST STEPS

Technically, a baby becomes a toddler on their first birthday. There is so much development in so many different areas around this time but the one that gets the most attention is walking. A baby’s first steps are often much celebrated and, emotionally, mark the shift into toddlerhood. The name ‘toddler’ even comes from the unsteady, wide based gait quintessential to new, young ambulators.

With walking comes more independence and the end of crawling, bum scooting, rolling, or other forms of baby locomotion. From then on into adulthood, they’ll be walking (or so we assume and hope – more on the ableism of this perspective below). Though they aren’t yet talking (for the most part), potty trained, or really all that independent, it feels like a sudden shift away from baby behaviours and into the next phase of their life.

Babies (or toddlers) learn many other motor skills before taking their first steps. There’s rolling, sitting, and crawling but even once they start working towards walking there are many skills still to learn. There’s pulling up to stand (and learning how to safely return to the ground), weight shifting, cruising, letting go in standing, taking a reaching step while cruising, and then, eventually, a free standing step. And even then, it’s a while longer before walking becomes their main mode of locomotion.

As with all types of development, babies practice each of the smaller steps constantly. They are trying new things, seeing what works, and getting excited when they figure out how to consistently replicate an action. Especially when it helps them gain access to new areas and perspectives. And we get excited right along with them. We encourage them, get excited with them, protect them, and console them.

But why focus on first steps? Why aren’t a baby’s first words or some other milestone the most celebrated aspect of becoming a toddler?

THE PROCCUPATION WITH MOTOR MILESTONES

Motor milestones and a baby’s growth are the two main indicators of whether a baby is developing as expected during their first year of life. There are standards of when babies are expected to start holding up their head, rolling, crawling, pulling up to stand, and walking. It is so easy to get hung up on these expectations, comparing your baby to others or to the ‘standard’.

This comparison can cause a ton of anxiety and pressure that we can inadvertantly pass on to our babies. We teach them that their actions and physical development will make us more excited than other areas and that is what they should focus on. We are encouraged to have our babies play on their tummies on the floor, even if they hate it (‘They’ll get used to it, you just have to keep trying!’) rather than trying alternative positions that encourage the same types of development.

Yes, motor development is an important part of a baby’s development because, as I understand it, it encourages, allows for, or results in development in many other areas such as spatial awareness, differentiation of self from others, depth perception, emotional development, etc. But what we’re not told is that there is a range of ways and timelines a baby can develop motor skills that still result in developing all these other areas, especially if the parent(s) are engaged and play with them in meaningful ways.

The most important part is that we are excited for whatever aspect of development our baby is focused on in the moment and is able to achieve. When we’re in community with others, I think it’s important to be excited and curious about all the different ways babies develop and try not to compare, shame, or judge based on differences.

MOTOR MILESTONES AND ABLEISM

The concept that there is a ‘right way’ for a baby to develop is extremely ableist. It is so easy to fall into this way of thinking when everything we are told is about when our baby ‘should’ be able to do certain things. This has become especially evident for me around the ‘first steps’ milestone.

Here are some of the thoughts that have been spinning around my head and how I’ve been trying to address them from an anti-ableism perspective:

Using ‘taking their first steps’ as the indicator for becoming a toddler

This is inherently abelist. Not all children take steps. If they do, they may take significantly longer than 12-16 months to get there. Just the idea that a human that isn’t walking is considered a baby makes me cringe. So no, a baby does not need to take their first steps to be considered a toddler. I think I’ll stick with the first birthday as the marker of that threshold.

Getting excited when my baby learns new motor skills

It’s always exciting when your child learns new things, no matter what type of skill it is. But motor skills seem easier to identify as an observer. We can see all the little progressions and attempts as they work up to being able to do something. And of course we get excited when they are able to do something new.

But does that mean we’re putting unnecessary emphasis on motor skills due to an ingrained ablist perspective? Not necessarily. If we’re excited because our baby is excited and because they learned something new, that seems fine to me. Just because we’re excited to see them roll for the first time, doesn’t mean we’d be any less excited if, at the same age, our baby had just learned how to open and close their fist. Being excited for any development at any age, whatever stage your child is at, is one of the joys of being a parent.

Using motor milestones as the main indicator of development

Again, I think this is ableist. Motor milestones should get no more weight than social development, language development, play engagement and activities, sleeping skills, eating skills, and overall growth. Sure, some of those others are harder to observe and measure and may have a wider range of ages when they appear and develop. But focusing on motor milestones simply because they are easiest to track puts undue focus on physical ability, stressing that that is somehow more important than all the other areas. This is not true and highly ableist.

Identifying motor ‘delays’ and accessing support services

As a rehab professional, this is where I get stuck. I don’t like the focus on motor skills to the exclusion of other types of development but I recognize that if there are motor delays, this can be the earliest and most easily identifiable indicator that there may be delays in other areas as well. I also know that the sooner a child, parents, and family has access to interdisciplinary support, the easier it is for the family to learn how to create a supportive environment for a child who’s needs might be different from the mainstream experience.

I think it becomes ableist when motor delays (or other delays) and accessing support services comes with negative judgement. Anything along the lines of ‘your child isn’t normal’, ‘you have failed as a parent’, ‘you did this to your child’, ‘you should be able to support your child on your own’, or ‘you are weak for needing help’ is pure ableism. Even the more subtle aspects of needing to prevent as much future disability as possible so they can have a good life is ableist. Preventing disability for the sake of enduring less pain, stigma, or struggle is one thing. Assuming that they won’t have a good life if they are born with or develop a disability or delay is a whole other and very ableist thing.

FINAL THOUGHTS

First steps are very exciting and are a culmination of many smaller skills and hours of practice.
First steps and the beginning of walking (or being fitted for and learning to use their first wheelchair) marks the end of ‘baby’ locomotion skills and can trigger a grieving process around the end of the ‘baby phase’.
Babies become toddlers on their first birthday, not when they take their first steps.
Focusing on motor milestones to the exclusion of other areas of development is ableist.
Stressing about and pressuring your child to perform motor skills they are not yet ready for is unnecessary and comes from internalized ableism.
Comparing to others or the ‘standardized norm’ can cause unnecessary stress and focus on motor development.
Following your child’s lead and being excited for whatever skill they are working on is one of the joys of parenting and not inherently ableist.
Accessing support for yourself and your child should you feel you need to help provide a positive and supportive environment for your child is important.
Negative judgement around motor delays (or any type of delay or disability), accessing supports, or perceived future quality of life is extremely ableist.

Have you had similar thoughts and experiences? Do you agree or disagree with what I said here? Leave a comment below with your thoughts or share your story!

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From Baby to Toddler: Developmental Thresholds and Complex Emotions

DEVELOPMENTAL THRESHOLDS

Babies are constantly changing. Even before birth, their development during pregnancy is rapid and constant. And yet, we perceive this development as occurring in stages. Some of these stages seem arbitrary – like the trimesters of pregnancy – and some seem practical – like the motor milestones. The change from one stage to the next requires adaptation and often comes with excitement, pride, mourning, and anxiety.

Often, these thresholds feel sudden because we mark them with a discrete event – conception, birth, first time our baby sleeps through the night, first time they eat solid foods, first tooth, first step, first word. But really, these are indicators of progress that is slow and constant.

This focus on a discrete event is where we get into trouble. The more sudden a change from one stage to the next feels, the more trouble we have adapting and the more our emotions around this change can feel overwhelming.

Motor development especially can seem to happen in sudden leaps. If that is our focus, we can fall into the pattern of waiting for the next leap to happen, trying to help our baby get there faster, and even becoming anxious if the space between leaps is taking ‘too long’. But if we pay attention to other areas of development, we see them progressing more quickly during that space between gross motor leaps – fine motor control, perceptual abilities, social interaction, language ability, sleeping skills, and eating skills.

So when we take a holistic global view, development doesn’t happen in chunks with discrete moments marking one section to the next but gradually and globally. We can define our child’s ‘stages’ in whatever way is most meaningful to us. And the thresholds between stages are more like the changing of seasons than the flip of a switch.

COMPLEX AND CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

Often, thresholds or transitions from one stage to the next cause lots of complex and conflicting emotions. We are excited to see our baby learn new things and delight in their excitement and wonder (such as learning how to turn pages in a book). We are proud of how far they’ve come and how our bond with them is manifesting. But we also mourn the loss of the things we enjoyed about the previous stage that we will never get back (such as being able to cuddle and read a book without them grabbing it, chewing it, or tearing it). And we can feel anxious about adapting to, managing, or guiding them through the next stage of development (such as how to stop them from damaging books while still encouraging their interest in them and promoting literacy).

Sometimes, the mourning especially feels big and overwhelming to the point that you wonder if there’s something wrong with you (such as yearning for the days when your baby was soft and tiny and squishy and stayed where you put them). In these moments, I have tried to identify what it was about the previous stage that I feel I am losing and look for how that same experience or form of connection is showing up in my baby’s new way of being or interacting (such as encouraging my baby to come to me when they need me or getting down on the floor to play with them on their level).

As with all endings of one stage and beginnings of the next, the closer you look at them and pay attention to the details of the experience, the more they seem to overlap. The ‘moment’ when one thing ends and another begins starts to look more like a process. This zooming in helps me smooth out the emotional experience as well.

It means I am not mourning everything at once but in small pieces as the changes occur. I can then more easily stay focused on the exciting new aspects of my baby’s development and our life together. I can be proud of the small victories as well as the big ones.

I can also see the smaller pieces of the change as they occur and adapt in real time instead of feeling like something has suddenly shifted that I wasn’t ready for. In this way, I avoid a lot of the anxiety that comes from a sudden loss of feeling competent, a loss of control, and the feeling of my baby growing up too fast for me to keep up. There will definitely be times when things do shift suddenly – an illness or injury for example. And maybe I will have to learn a completely different way of dealing with those. But for the more predictable shifts that happen as my baby grows into a toddler, I have found this ‘focus on the details’ approach to work well.

WHEN DOES MY BABY BECOME A TODDLER?

The standardized moment when a baby becomes a toddler is their first birthday. This is an example of an arbitrary and sudden way to mark this threshold. For us, this time corresponds with the end of my parental leave and the start of daycare. Their first birthday is also the first anniversary of their birth and all the emotional memories that come with that. We are also in the process of weaning bottle feeding and our baby is rapidly working their way to taking their first steps.

These related yet varied developmental and life changes all feel like part of the process of my baby becoming a toddler. So while their first birthday may be the definitive moment that the label flips over, the emotional processing of this developmental change incorporates so much more.

PROCESSING THE THRESHOLD FROM BABY TO TODDLER

The threshold between baby and toddler isn’t the first time in parenting that I’ve experienced complex and conflicting emotions, and it definitely won’t be the last, but it feels particularly big.

Some of the changes around this threshold involve the ending of something that has been a constant for us since their birth a year ago or very close thereafter (bottle feeding, parental leave and full time caregiving). These aspects have been core elements that defined our existence up until now. Progressing past them to move on to the next phase feels like we’re giving up parts of what defines us as a family. Or what has defined our experience as a family up until now.

The end of parental leave is like pushing our way out of our family cocoon (reinforced by the pandemic-induced isolation) and re-entering the world, now as a family of three. It feels vulnerable and shaky. It feels like there will be monumental distance between us after spending almost every day together.

Their first birthday is an opportunity to reflect on all our memories and experiences, growth and change from this first year. It will also bring back a lot of emotional memories from our experiences of labour, birth, and immediate postpartum.

The end of bottle feeding feels like the end of early morning cuddles and a clear step from the baby-drinking-from-a-baby-bottle phase into the toddler-drinking-from-their-own-cup phase.

There is so much development in so many different areas around this time but the one that gets the most attention is walking. A baby’s first steps are often much celebrated and, emotionally, mark the shift into toddlerhood. The name ‘toddler’ even comes from the unsteady, wide based gait quintessential to new, young ambulators. But this ‘milestone’ especially feels like a long slow process as I’ve watched my baby go from sitting to pulling up to stand, crawling, cruising, kneeling, bear-crawling, standing, balancing, reaching, and soon, taking steps, then walking. And even then, it will be a while before they give up crawling altogether.

So overall, there is a shift towards my child becoming more independent, spending more time away from me, and a re-defining of our experience as a family from one that exists in isolation to one that exists integrated with the wider world. Clearly, my baby is not the only one making a shift to a new stage. We all will be shifting together.

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