Over the course of the last year, the first year of my child’s life, I have experienced many intense moments. Sometimes these happen over a discrete period of time – a moment, a day, or even a few weeks – and then they pass. Other times, like the one described in this poem, these intense moments happen repeatedly, in small bursts, and are related to a particular activity.
For me, one of these has been the emotions, sense of connection or disconnection, and shifts in identity that occur while I’m watching my baby sleep.
While You Are Sleeping
While you are sleeping, I watch. I listen. Your fist clenches, opens, relaxes. Your breathing catches, slows, deepens. Your face winces, smooths, smiles. Peaceful. Makes me feel peaceful. Because of our connection. Makes me aware of our connection. You are the seed of my soul, Life of my body. While you are sleeping, I watch. I listen. I can't help it. I am drawn to you. I feel obsessed. Your peacefulness is a drug. It soothes me. Slows time. Pause. Quiet. While you are sleeping, I have given you all you need, For now, in this moment. Satisfaction. Pride. Confidence. No demands, frustration, concern, To overshadow the good feelings. The powerful feelings. The awe. The wonder. The love. While you are sleeping, All your needs are met. For now. Relief. Not being needed. My body is my own. My time is my own. My space is my own. Freedom. While you are sleeping, All your needs are met. For now. Relief. Not being needed. Confusion. I am not needed. I am lost, untethered. Who am I, when I’m not needed? What do I do, when I’m not needed? Lost. I look at you again, While you are sleeping, Peaceful. I feel our connection. You are the seed of my soul, Life of my body. I am here to protect you, Guide you. I feel the enormity of the role I now live, Feel myself filling that space and overflowing, Expanding to be more than I am. While you are sleeping, I have space, time, energy, To care for myself. To care for our space. To rest and recharge, So I am ready For when you awake.
Over the course of the last year my identity as a human and as a parent has shifted a number of times. My relationship to myself and my child has changed, morphed, adapted. This is reflected in the different experiences that are brought out by the same activity of watching my baby sleep. The collection of experiences I describe in the poem happened over the span of our first year together. They aren’t necessarily presented in chronological order but are more of an overall impression of what I can and have experienced or thought about while watching my baby sleep. I hope some or all of it resonated with you.
If you would like to share your own experiences of what it feels like to watch your baby sleep, or another type of activity that gives you similar types of emotions and experiences, leave a comment below or send me an email. I’d love to hear from you!
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