Presentation – Page 3 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person

If you have read any of the other posts in the Pregnancy and Parenting category, you’ll know that Jake and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. So naturally, we think ahead to what it will be like to parent as a trans man and a non-binary person.

Below are some of the things we’ve discussed in relation to my identity as a non-binary person. Note: other non-binary parents may have different responses to these situations and my responses may very well change in the future. And that is totally fine! Think of this as a time capsule of what we’re thinking at the moment.

WHAT WILL THE KID CALL ME?

For the most part, I am comfortable with mom or mother. Mommy is a bit less comfy. I have seen various terms that other non-binary parents use such as Baba, Mapa, Maddy, Mappy, etc. None of these feel like they really fit for me but maybe I will just have to pick one that feels the closest and I’ll get used to it.

Another common one is Ren or Renny from parent. I quite like this one but it would not be as intuitive to others what it meant so it would take more explanation on our part or our child’s part. Maybe this is ok and wouldn’t be as difficult or frustrating as I’m picturing.

The other one I’ve thought of is Mur which is a sounded-out version of M.R. for Meaghan Ray. It also sounds like a shortened or slurred form of mother. So maybe I’ll use that.

I’m sure the kid will have their own opinions about what fits so I guess we’ll see what happens.

EXPLAINING MY IDENTITY TO MY KID

Initially, I won’t be telling my kid anything specific about my own gender identity because they won’t necessarily understand and they definitely won’t understand the safety concerns of who to tell and who not to tell. But we will have lots of kids stories about gender diversity and have lots of conversations about gender and gender presentation and preferences geared towards whatever stage they’re at.

When my kid is more preteen age I will likely tell them about my own gender identity. If my kid ever asks outright what my gender is I will be open and honest and deal with whatever personal consequences come from that.

NAVIGATING SYSTEMS

Whether it’s school systems or pediatric medical care, I will likely be identified as the mother on all the paperwork and to all the professionals. I will likely take that one situation at a time and if I come across an inclusive professional or an inclusive form, I will likely be open about my identity (as long as my kid was also aware of it at that time).

We will look for spaces where our kid, and us as parents, can hang out with other queer families so we don’t feel isolated in these various experiences.

PREPARING THE KID TO FIELD QUESTIONS

Depending on what we have told our kid about my identity and how they are referring to me, this may generate questions from other kids or teachers and other parents. We will not be able to control how our child responds but we can have conversations both before and after these questions come up about what they might say, how they felt about being asked the question, and if they feel like they want to ask any questions of us.

All we can do is instill an open minded and positive view of gender in our child and hope that that is what they represent in their answers to others. If they encounter a negative response as a result of my identity, we will debrief with our child and address it with the most responsible adult directly. This is probably the thing I am the most apprehensive about so we’ll see how it goes.

WILL WE RAISE OUR CHILD GENDER NEUTRAL?

Socially, emotionally, and physically – yes, as much as possible. This means playing sports and rough housing with them while teaching them how to be gentle. Modeling and teaching them emotional intelligence and emotional coping skills. Giving them access to a variety of toys, clothing, and accessory options.

However, we will not be using they/them pronouns for our child. We will be using the pronouns that align with their sex. Though neither of us are cisgender, statistically speaking, our child will be. As someone who prefers they/them pronouns, I understand how difficult it is to get people to use them and understand why I am asking them to. It can be quite upsetting for me when I have explicitly asked them to and they don’t. So having to fight for the same thing for my child would be way too much of a struggle and way too emotionally taxing for me when they are likely to be cisgendered.

As I said above, we will frequently be asking our child about their gender using whatever terms they understand. If they ever display a preference for other pronouns, we will adjust accordingly and immediately. For me, being flexible and open is more important than being strictly neutral from the start.

Do you have a child or are you planning on it in the future? What terms do you use? How have you discussed gender with your child? Leave me a message below!

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Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises

If you haven’t read it yet, check out Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects. I will refer to the same areas of the body and some of those effects in this post.

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS

Try to wear it as short a time as possible. Most recommendations state no longer than 8 hours but if you work 8 or 10 or 12 hour days, that just isn’t possible. Just know that the longer you wear it, the worse the above effects will be.
Try to wear it as few days as possible. If you have severe dysphoria and can’t leave the house without a binder on, try to have one day a week where you stick close to home so you can stay binder free. Or try other slightly less compressive options as many days of the week as possible.
Avoid exercise while wearing a binder. Your lungs cannot expand the way they need to during exercise which forces your heart rate to go up significantly more to compensate. Also, you will have poor spinal and shoulder mobility, causing stress and damage to other joints, muscles, and tendons.
Do not bind while sleeping. When we sleep we are not aware of discomfort. You could be causing damage and not know about it. Also, while you are unconscious and thus not aware of dysphoria, this is the ideal time to take a break from binding.
Never bind with ace bandages. The tension in the wrap can shift over time causing one layer to loosen and another to tighten beyond what is safe.

EXERCISES

Deep breathing

Benefits lungs, ribs, and pelvic floor.

For the following exercises:

Best done in a seated position but can be done lying on your back.
If you start to get light-headed, breathe normally until it clears.
If you have COPD, skip the first exercise and focus on breathing all your air out between each deep breath in.

Active Breathing Cycle

Take a deep breath
Hold it in for 2-3 seconds
Let all the air out by compressing the lungs until they are empty
Take a full deep breath, then breathe normally for 5 breaths
Repeat 3-5 times

Diaphragmatic breathing

Place a hand on your upper belly, just below your breastbone
On each breath in, take a deep breath, pushing your tummy out into your hand
Try to minimize the rise or widening of your chest
Try to only move your tummy to breathe
Cycle of 5 belly breaths and 3 regular breaths
Repeat 3-5 times

Lateral Costal Breathing

This one is a little harder and may take some practice
Place your hands on the sides of your ribs (either by bending your elbows or giving yourself a hug)
On each breath in, take a deep breath, trying to make your chest as wide as possible and pushing your ribs out into your hands
Try to minimize the rise of your chest and the expansion of your belly
Cycle 5 wide breaths and 3 regular breaths
Repeat 3-5 times

Spine and rib movements

Restores general mobility to the spine and ribs.

Thoracic Side Bending

In a seated position, hold on hand on your ribs at the side.
Bend towards that hand, bringing the other arm up and over your head.
Hold stretch for 10-20 seconds while breathing deeply.
Repeat to the other side.
Repeat each side 3-5 times.

Thoracic Rotation

In a seated position, cross your arms high on your chest so you’re grasping your shoulders.
Gently rotate as far as you can one way, and then slowly as far as you can the other way.
As you go, you should feel less resistance and be able to rotate a bit further without pain or muscle cramping.
Repeat 15-20 times.

Flexion and Extension

In a seated position, reach forward, curling your neck, shoulders, and upper back as you breathe out.
Take a deep breath in, opening your arms, pulling your shoulders back, and arching your upper back.
Complete 5 repetitions, take a break to breathe normally for 3-5 breaths, then repeat 2 more times.

Spinal Twist

Lie on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your arms spread out on the floor.
Keeping your shoulders flat on the floor, let your knees, hips, and lower back rotate down to one side.
Take a deep breath in and out, then pull your knees up and rotate them the opposite direction.
Alternately, you can start by lying on one side and, keeping your knees on the floor, lift the top arm and rotate your shoulders across to try and get them flat on the mat and then repeat on the opposite side.
Repeat 5-10 times.

Neck Range of Motion

Tip your ear to your shoulder, roll your head down to the middle, then the opposite ear to your shoulder, and back up to the middle.
Breathe slowly and evenly throughout.
Pay attention to where you feel muscle pull. Don’t force the stretch in these areas but pause in the circle to take a full breath in and out in these areas.
Repeat 5-10 times, alternating direction.

Chin Tuck and Neck Extension

Without looking down or bending your neck forward, tilt your head to tuck your chin in (like you’re trying to create a double chin).
With one or both hands, grasp the back of your head and gently pull up. You should feel a stretch right at the base of your skull.
You can also add a bit of sideways pull.
Hold the stretch for 5-10 seconds. Repeat 3-5 times.

Spine mobilization

Targets the thoracic (mid) spine and posterior ribs to decrease stiffness and stretch the ligaments.

For the following exercises:

You will need a foam roller
You will be lying on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your feet on the floor with the foam roller horizontal under your spine.
Only put pressure on the spine where the ribs connect to the spine, not down on the lower back or up on the neck.

Spine Rolling

Lift your hips of the mat so the only place of contact is your feet and the roll.
With your hands behind your head or crossed over your chest, gently roll up and down the roll by walking your feet along the floor while breathing deeply.
Spend more time in areas that feel stiff or sore.
Repeat 10-15 times.

Foam Roller Extension

Place the roll just above your bottom ribs.
Take a deep breath in, then slowly arch back over the roll as you breathe out. Only go as far as you are comfortable.
In the arched position, take a full deep breath in and arch a bit more when you breathe out.
Return to the start position and move the roll slightly higher on your spine. Repeat.
It should take 4-6 repetitions in different spots to cover your spine up to the shoulder blades.
Repeat the whole spine 3-5 times.

Shoulder mobility and mechanics

Shoulder and Arm Circles

Roll your shoulders forward, up, back, and down. Repeat 10 times.
Picture a clock face on your shoulder where 12 is up, 3 is forward, 9 is back, and 6 is down. Pull your shoulders into the 10:30 position. Hold them there while you raise your arms up to the sides.
With your shoulders stable and your thumbs pointing up, move your arms in circles from big to small and back to big. Change direction and go big to small to big again. Repeat 3-5 times.

Protraction and Retraction

Give yourself a hug, grasping your shoulders and pulling them forward to stretch your back. Take a deep breath in and out.
Pull your arms back and squeeze your shoulder blades together, stretching your chest. Take a deep breath in and out.
Repeat 5-10 times.

Overhead Reach with Scapular Rotation

Raise one arm out to the side and overhead.
Focus on rotating your shoulder blade so the point of your shoulder moves towards your ear.
Place your other hand just below your armpit. You should feel the edge of your shoulder blade push into your hand.
Repeat 5-10 times each side.

Don’t feel like you have to do all of these every day. Pick a few and do what is manageable. Focus on the ones that treat the area that is causing the most pain for you. The more you do them, the better.

If you have any questions, please leave me a comment and I will clarify or provide modifications. If you have any other exercises that you have found helpful, please also share those in the comments!

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Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects

Wearing a binder is sometimes the only way that a person with dysphoria related to having breasts can leave the house. The psychological and emotional impacts of dysphoria are often worse than the physical discomfort from the binder. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore the binder’s effects on our body.

I strongly believe that the more you know about something, the more you can do to make it better.

If you are someone who wears a binder, occasionally or regularly, and just suffers through the physical discomfort in order to manage dysphoria, I’m here to tell you there are ways to make the physical pain less. I can’t guarantee the strategies I talk about will get rid of it, but they will prevent worsening and decrease the pain.

This post is not designed to scare you. It is designed to give you accurate anatomical and physiological information about the various ways a binder can affect your body. In the next post, I will give you concrete ways to minimize these effects.

Disclaimer: I am a physiotherapist and as such have a strong understanding of anatomy and physiology. I am someone who wears a binder and has experienced these effects. I have not done any scientific research on the effects of binder use nor read any scientific research on this topic. I have attended a lecture by researchers who have looked at binder use and I have talked to many trans people about their experiences.

LUNGS

Your lungs are like an upside down tree. They have a main trunk, large branches, then smaller branches, all leading to little round bubbles called alveoli. They are roughly pyramid shaped with the smallest part at the top by your collar bone and the largest part in line with the bottom of your breastbone. They are a self-cleaning organ that requires a consistent exchange of clean air to remain healthy.

When you wear a binder, your lungs cannot expand to their full capacity. The restriction is mostly in a circle around the widest part of the lungs. In order to breathe, you have to expand more through the upper parts of your lungs which are much smaller. This restricts your body’s ability to get more oxygen when exercising and can make you lightheaded. The parts of your lungs that stay closed can become sticky and develop mucus which holds and breeds bacteria. Without taking time to fully expand your lungs when you take off the binder, this could develop into a chronic cough or pneumonia.

SPINE

Your spine is made of vertebrae stacked on top of each other with discs between the bodies and many ligaments and muscles connecting them together. It has a natural inward curve in the neck, outward curve in the upper back, and inward curve in the low back. The different areas of the spine are designed to move in different ways but over all it can bend forward and back, side to side, and rotate. These large movements are created by a small amount of movement between each vertebra.

When you wear a binder, it restricts the movement in the mid spine or upper back forcing the areas above and below to compensate and move more. The areas above and below become hypermobile which can cause pain. Because of the lack of movement in the mid-spine (the section under the binder), the ligaments and muscles become tight, short, and weak which will cause stiffness and pain even when not wearing the binder.

RIBS

Your ribs connect to your spine in the back and your sternum in the front. The joints in the front are more flexible than the ones in the back. The ribs are designed to move out and up when we breathe in. They have ligaments connecting them to the spine, cartilage connecting them to the sternum, and muscles connecting them to each other.

When you are wearing a binder, your ribs are restricted and compressed. The ligaments and muscles can tighten and shorten over time, decreasing your lung capacity even when not wearing the binder. The joints at your spine stiffen up, forcing the joints at the front to move more than they should in order to expand your chest to breathe. This can cause sharp pain by the sternum, or costochondritis. If you use something other than a safe binder to bind with, wear a binder that is too small, or wear your binder too long or too often, you can also cause fractures in your ribs.

SHOULDERS

Your shoulders are designed to have a large range of motion. In order to do get your arms above shoulder height and reach above your head, the structures around the shoulder have to rotate up and out of the way. This includes the shoulder blade, collar bone, and upper ribs. When these three structures rotate up, the tip of your shoulder comes towards your ear.

When wearing a binder, there is more pressure downwards on the collar bone and compression around the ribs. There can also be tension on the skin under your arm and around your shoulder. This all causes restriction in the ability of those structures to move up and rotate when you raise your arm. This can lead to a feeling of weakness in your arm, pain at the shoulder joint from tendons being pinched, and a loss of the body’s natural mechanics, and therefore strength, for overhead movements.

PELVIC FLOOR

Your pelvic floor is made up of many different muscles that form the bottom of your abdominal and pelvic cavity. If you think of this cavity as a pop can, the diaphragm is the top and the pelvic floor is the bottom with the abdominal muscles forming the sides and your organs inside. When you take a deep breath in, your diaphragm pushes down on your abdominal organs, increasing the pressure in the abdomen and pelvis. Your abdominal muscles and pelvic floor muscles absorb this pressure by expanding slightly while maintaining their contraction.

When wearing a binder, your diaphragm is not able to flatten fully and you are unable to take a full deep breath. This means that your pelvic floor muscles do not get the regular exercise of maintaining a contraction while stretching. They become weaker, tighter, and shorter. This can lead to pelvic pain from trigger points in the muscles, pain on penetration, and sometimes incontinence.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND EXERCISES

Again, this post was not designed to scare you. In Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises, I give you concrete ways to minimize these effects – general recommendations for binder use and a variety of exercises I recommend to counteract some of the effects discussed above.

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Gender Presentation and Social Attention

Dressing for Yourself

Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to wear and you go ahead and wear it no matter what other people will think because it makes you feel good. Sometimes, you have to try on five different things before you find something that is comfortable. Sometimes, part of that struggle is the voice in your head warning you what other people will think or say or do if you wear what you want. Sometimes, the only place you get to wear what you want is in your own house. So you do. Sometimes, the need to keep ourselves safe is more important. But sometimes, you get to wear exactly what makes you feel your best and that is an amazing feeling.

Dressing Consistently

No matter how conservative or wild your style, keeping it consistent can help people that you see on a regular basis adjust to a new look or help people that are new in your life get a feel for who you are and what to expect. This is great if your gender is consistent and the clothes that make you feel good are similar day to day. Even if your gender fluctuates somewhat, you can keep your general style consistently somewhere in the middle of where your gender sits and play around with the style of more subtle things like jewelry, socks, undergarments, jackets, belts, shoes, and bags.

Dressing Differently Day to Day

What if your gender switches or fluctuates wildly day to day? In order to keep yourself comfortable and decrease dysphoria while increasing euphoria, you may end up dressing differently day to day. Strangers that you meet at the grocery store or on the bus won’t know the difference. People close to you who understand who you are will use your presentation as a signal of how to refer to you and interact with you in an affirming way. It’s the acquaintances that might be thrown off a bit. The coworkers, extended family, more distant friends, and others that you interact with on a repeating, semi-regular basis but who don’t know you well enough to know the whole story.

Dressing Differently After Transition

It can feel like a shock to those around you if your style changes dramatically after transition. Sometimes, this is what you want. You want to make it clear to people that the new name and pronouns are for real and make it obvious which one you expect them to use. Besides, you haven’t been able to wear what you really wanted to until now and suddenly you can! Sometimes, we can take this to the extreme initially after coming out and eventually back off and find our own, less extreme style.

Sometimes, you can sneak up to this change in style before coming out or slowly adjust your look after transition. A slower shift in style will bring less attention to you which can feel less threatening when you already feel like everyone is talking about you.

Dressing to Blend In

Sometimes we want to look like everyone else in a particular environment. Whether at work or at a baby shower, sometimes drawing less attention to ourselves by wearing something we feel slightly uncomfortable in is easier to deal with than the stares, whispers, comments, and self-consciousness. Sometimes, blending in is self-protective, either emotionally or physically.

Sometimes, being able to blend in as our true gender is all we’ve ever wanted. And that’s okay too. If the style that makes you comfortable is also one that blends in, that’s the best of both worlds. As long as it doesn’t feel like you have lost a part of your identity and visibility that you didn’t want to give up.

Dressing to Stand Out

Sometimes, we want the attention that dressing flamboyantly or differently will bring. We want people to see us for who we are. We want to showcase the parts of our identity that people tend to ignore to make themselves more comfortable. Sometimes, we don’t want people to feel comfortable. We want to shake things up, make a statement, be seen. This can be as simple as wearing nail polish and dangling earrings with your typical masculine business casual outfit to work or as dramatic as a sequined one-piece suit, brilliant makeup, a tutu, and four inch platform heels to the grocery store.

What types of attention have you gotten for dressing differently? How did your look change after transition? Do you usually dress for yourself or for a specific effect on others? Do you dress to blend in or stand out? Leave a comment or a picture of your favourite look below!

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Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies

Being pregnant is a huge undertaking for your body. It makes permanent changes to lots of areas, includes lots of discomfort and unpleasant experiences, and involves a decent amount of risk. It changes how you are viewed by society and how strangers interact with you. And it is (or can be) the first step in one of the biggest changes anyone can make in life – becoming a parent.

So of course I have all the typical fears:

How will my body change?
Risk of miscarriage (Ha! That already happened once)
Huge life change
Adverse symptoms for nine months such as nausea, fatigue, and joint pain
Birth trauma
Postpartum depression and isolation

Pregnancy is also one of the most feminizing experiences a person can have. So, as a nonbinary person, I also have gender related fears:

Will my sense of where my gender is on the spectrum shift in unpredictable ways due to hormones?
Will my social dysphoria increase to unbearable levels due to the quintessential feminization of my body?
Will my physical dysphoria increase due to my chest getting bigger and my pregnant belly?
Will I struggle to find clothes that fit me that are not hyper-feminine like typical maternity clothes are?

But on the other side of my fears is what I hope for:

My gender identity will shift to the more feminine side of my range like it does during my period and result in minimal dysphoria with pregnancy changes
I will have fewer physical discomfort symptoms than I am expecting
Many of my current clothes will fit throughout pregnancy since I prefer looser clothes to begin with (though they will end up being more fitted as I get bigger)

Now that I have actually been pregnant once, for a short time, and only in the first trimester phase before the hyperfeminization of my body happened, some of these fears and hopes have shifted. I now know, or am more confident that my gender will shift to the female side for some or all of my pregnancy. Hopefully this will help with the social and physical dysphoria.

But this caused another area of discomfort: feeling like I was missing half of who I was. And after I had a miscarriage, my gender swung back to the male side with a resurgence of dysphoria that I was now unaccustomed to. You can read more about that in Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender. So I can now add ‘postpartum dysphoria’ to my list of fears.

Here are some strategies I’ve come up with to help me through this process:

Look for alternative maternity clothing stores or just buy larger sized clothing from cheaper places
Come out to as many people as I am comfortable with so that I have lots of options of people to hang out with in a gender affirming environment to combat social dysphoria and invisibility/inauthenticity
Focus on the personal, wondrous, internal feeling of growing a life inside me
Be kind to myself post partum while I’m learning how to deal with dysphoria again and review my personal journals and previous blog posts about how I deal with it

If you have a similar identity to mine, I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences with pregnancy will help you feel more comfortable in your skin or at least not so alone during this experience. If you have someone in your life who is pregnant, maybe this will help you understand that not everyone who looks pregnant identifies as female and what that might feel like.

Do you have any stories of your own or strategies that got you through pregnancy with dysphoria?

Do you have any questions or specific aspects of this experience that you are looking forward to hearing more about?

Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

Different Ways to Explore Your Gender

The period of time between wondering if you might not be cis and figuring out what your gender actually is can be confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating. There are many different ways to explore your gender. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. You might use all of these strategies at different times or only a couple of them. I hope this helps you find the most authentic and comfortable version of yourself.

Practical Experimentation

Try out a different presentation with clothing
Cut or grow your hair or try a wig
Use makeup or an app to try out facial hair (Snapchat, shaving apps)
Try a binder, packer, bra padding, or tucking
See what strategies decrease your gender dysphoria
See what strategies increase your gender euphoria
E.g.: the first time I wore a binder and saw myself in the mirror with a flat chest I knew that was how I was supposed to look.

Vicarious Experiences

Talk to other people with similar questions and identities
Listen to podcasts about gender (see my Resources page for a list)
Explore other people’s experiences on social media to see what resonates with you
Look at lists of labels and how different people define them to see if any of those definitions sound like your experience of your gender (if more than one feels right, that’s fine too! Labels aren’t boxes, they’re descriptors)

Process of Elimination

Determine what you for sure are NOT
Pay attention to what words, interactions, articles of clothing, or experiences make you feel less like yourself and head in the opposite direction
E.g.: I know I am not a girl but I’m not sure if I am a boy or agender.

Objective Guidance

Follow a guide for exploring your gender such as ‘You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery’ by Dara Hoffman-Fox or ‘How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker
Track your sense of your gender on a scale that makes sense to you (5 female to 0 to 5 male, 0 can represent neutral or no gender)
List things that you have tried and how strongly they felt right or wrong to you to see if there is a pattern (maybe things that feel good all relate to a specific direction on the spectrum or maybe they are from all different points in the spectrum and you should be looking at gender-expansive identities)
Talk to a therapist who specializes in gender identity (highly recommended regardless of which other strategies you try if you are able to access one)

Try it Out

Sometimes it is very difficult to see how something will feel until you hear yourself referred to in that way
Find a group of two or more close friends or family that you trust and test out different pronouns, a different name, or different identity labels (if it is only one other person they likely won’t be using your name or pronouns since we only do that when we refer to someone in third person)
Pick an event that happened to you on a specific day and write it out like you are a character in a story using the name and pronouns that you want to test out
Join an online chat group that is gender positive and use the name and pronouns you want to test out
Try it out in private, then with close friends or family, out anonymously in public, at a larger queer group or random event, and eventually in everyday life
E.g.: I had been using they/them pronouns as a default because I knew that she/her and he/him felt equally wrong but when my friend started using xe/xir for me so I could try it out I had finally found something that felt right.

What strategies have you used? What strategies did you find the most helpful? Where certain strategies more useful at different points in your gender exploration? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Note: the examples I used in this post are not my own experiences but are experiences I have heard other people describe.

Why Labels Matter

I have often heard complaints about why people (usually queer people) feel the need to label themselves, or why there are so many different labels, or how labels are so restrictive, and how its unnecessary to put yourself in a box. Usually, the people making these statements are cisgendered and straight. They have never struggled with having to figure out a part of their identity, find a way to explain it to others, and find a way to connect with a community.

Labels help me understand myself. For me, this is the most important reason that labels exist. Labels and their definitions provide me with language to say ‘yes, that is how I feel’ or ‘no, that is not how I feel’. Without this language, I might have a vague sense that my experience of the world is not the same as the people around be but be unable to figure out why, how, and what to do about it.

Sometimes, labels are the only thing we have control over. Sometimes, this sense of knowing who we are is all we have. There are times when it is unsafe to come out or we don’t have access to a community. Or times when we don’t have access to gender affirming clothing, medications, or surgery. Labels are the only way we can express our gender or identity and feel seen.

Labels are a communication tool to help others understand my identity. I know that not everyone will have the same definition or understanding of a label as I do so I try to use a label they are most likely to understand or have a conversation about what that label means for me. Without labels and their definitions I would only ever be defined by what people assumed my identity to be. When a large part of who I am and how I navigate the world is invisible, being able to communicate my identity to others is very important.

Labels are words that represent abstract concepts, not concrete ones. Everyone will have a slightly different understanding and experience of a given label. For me, this is part of the magic of labels and what makes them interesting and valuable. But some people use their own understanding of a label to define others. This is when labels can become damaging or restrictive.

Each label I use is a facet of who I am that all fit together to form the whole of my person and identity. Labels should not be boxes. You cannot define what something is no by stating what it is. For example, if I define the word trunk as the solid, central stem of a tree, that does not mean that the word trunk cannot mean anything else, or that a tree is solely made up of a trunk.

Labels should be seen as fluctuating and fluid, not fixed. Labels represent part of our identity. Identity, by the very nature of being a human, is fluid over time. Identity changes as we change. Expecting labels to be fixed is equivalent to saying that identities are fixed, that they won’t change over time as we change and as society changes around us.

Labels should not be performative or restrictive. Just because you identify with a label does not mean you should be expected to present or act a certain way as a result. However, society is not very good at following this. So it is completely acceptable to keep a label to yourself or alter your presentation to fit a label in order to keep yourself safe or access care that you need. I just hope that you do not lose parts of who you are in the process.

Labels allow you to connect with other people who share similar experiences and identities. I can understand how people who have never felt like they don’t fit in mainstream culture would not understand the need to use labels to define yourself and your experience of the world in order to find community. I just wish everyone could allow each other to use labels, or not, as they wish, and approach labels that are new to them with curiosity rather than skepticism.

What is your experience with labels? Do you find them useful or restrictive? Have you had experiences where you were treated differently as a result of a label you used? Tell me about it in the comments!

Queer Wedding Ideas

When Jake and I got married, we both identified as women (this was pre gender exploration for both of us). We made some adjustments to the ceremony so it didn’t feel so heternonormative. Since then, I have participated in, and seen pictures and descriptions of, many different gay, queer, and gender non-conforming (GNC) weddings. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve collected:

Switch Sides. If there is a more masculine presenting person and a more feminine presenting person, stand on the opposite side from the norm of man on the right and woman on the left (from the audience perspective).
Who Enters First. Typically, the man starts the ceremony at the front or walks in first. So instead, have the more feminine person walk in first or have both of you walk in at the same time up parallel aisles instead of having one central aisle.
Wear Whatever You Want! Don’t feel confined to one person wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit. Either person can wear whatever they want! Similarly, don’t confine your wedding party to a suit for the men and a dress for the women. Either allow them to choose or offer a midway option of a blouse and suit pants or a skirt with a shirt, vest, and tie.
Mixed Wedding Parties. Don’t limit yourself to female assigned/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘bride’ and male assign/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘groom’. Pick the people that are most important in your life to stand with you regardless of gender or presentation. That’s why they’re there, isn’t it?
Colours! Base your colour theme off a queer flag that has meaning to both of you. Include rainbows, or trans colours, or purple and green (as we did, kind of by accident). You can also use rainbows or meaningful colour combinations as highlights such as having a rainbow rose in the table centers.
Include Your Community. Community is hugely important for queer people and often serves as a chosen family. Include your community in your special day with a ring warming, readings from different people either during the ceremony or at the reception, or a modified sand ceremony where everyone adds a pinch of sand on the way in and those jars are mixed together by the couple. There are so many options! You can pick one that someone else created or make your own!
Location and Ceremony. If you and your partner are religious, you can absolutely have a queer wedding in your place of worship. But many queer people have had difficult experiences with organized religion and may feel uncomfortable within these spaces and with the religious basis of the ceremony. So consider choosing an outdoor location or a non-religious location that is meaningful to you. Likewise, there are some aspects of the ceremony that are required to be legally binding but some are optional. Definitely talk to your officiant about ways to make the ceremony personal and, of course, queer.
Language. Weddings are full of heteronormative and binary language. Be open about what language each of you is comfortable with and make sure that your officiant and wedding parties are on board. Consider having a wedding website that includes an explanation of the terminology you will be using. This is also an easy way to specify pronouns and names of people in the wedding party or important family members.
Identity Pins or Stickers. Have pronoun pins/stickers available for people to wear as a lapel pin if they wish. Weddings bring together family and friends, many of whom will never have met and may come from very different social backgrounds. This can be a way for the queer people participating in or attending the wedding to feel more comfortable.

That’s it for now! If you had a queer wedding or have attended a queer wedding, what strategies did you use? Leave them in the comments below and I will add them to the list!

Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums

The first definition of gender that I came across that differed from the binary definition was the idea of gender as a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle. For a long time this made sense to me. As someone who identifies as a mix of male and female, I could conceptualize and communicate my gender to others using this model.

Original Genderbread Person graphic showing sex, gender, presentation, and sexual orientation as separate concepts, each with their own spectrum.

However, since hearing more stories from other non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid folks, this model seems limiting. What seems more useful is seeing gender as separate spectrums. Male from 0 to 10, female from 0 to 10, and ‘other’ or ‘third gender’ from 0 to 10. This model allows for representations of identities such as agender, demiboy or demigirl, and bigender.

This shift is also important when looking at gender presentation. We often talk about presentation in terms of masculine, androgynous, and feminine. Androgynous can mean a blending of more subtle feminine and masculine traits or it can mean mixing the more extreme aspects of masculine and feminine presentation. A single spectrum from masculine to feminine would not be able to represent the difference in these two examples. With separate scales from 0 to 10, you could place a dot at 5 on both scales, or place a dot at 10 on both scales.

Gender Unicorn showing separate scales for masculine and feminine aspects of gender identity, expression, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction.

Having two or more separate scales for gender identity and gender presentation does not exclude anyone. Cisgendered and cis-normative people can still represent their gender and presentation using this model. But it allows for the flexibility to represent many different non-binary and gender non-conforming experiences than a single spectrum does.

Have you ever used one of these models to rate different aspects of yourself? Is this newer model inclusive enough to represent your experience of the world? If not, what would you change? Have you ever asked your friends or family to rate themselves on a similar model? How did it go? Leave me a comment and tell me your experiences!