Tag: Presentation

How to Explain your Fluid Gender Identity

Gender fluid identities can be difficult to explain to people. Even once your audience understands gender beyond the binary, they may not have any experience with fluctuations in their own gender or know someone with a fluid gender identity.

Let’s say someone asks you how you identify with regards to gender (for example, asks your pronouns). For gender fluid people (typically people who experience their gender as a single point on the spectrum that shifts around) and gender expansive people (people who experience a wide range of gender simultaneously), there are two ways to answer this question. You could explain your total gender experience and identity (for example, stating that you are pronoun indifferent, or that you use he or she on different days depending) or you could state how your gender feels at that particular moment (for example, ‘I currently identify as a boy and use he/him pronouns). It all depends on context and your goals for the conversation.

If your goal is to give an accurate and authentic representation of your identity then explain the total of your experience. This could include what labels and pronouns you use, a discussion of the range of gender you experience (I like using a 5 male to 0 to 5 female scale – for example I go from 2 male to 3 female with most of the time at 0 to 1 female), or examples of how you are comfortable presenting on different days.

If your goal is to clarify how you wish to be identified at this particular moment – which pronouns and name people should be using, what types of gendered terms or interactions you would prefer at this time – then state where you currently sit on the spectrum.

If you are coming out to someone such as a family member or friend, some explanation of your total gender experience will be important but try not to overwhelm them.

If you are not sure that the space you are in is safe, stick with a minimal description of how you currently feel with regards to gender.

If your interactions with a person are going to limited, an explanation of your total gender range is likely unnecessary so stick with the ‘current day’ picture. If the next time you see them you are presenting drastically differently, you can explain a bit about your global identity if you’d like, or once again stick to the ‘current day’ picture (which just happens to be different than the previous time).

What’s important to remember is that if you only explain your current gender it does not invalidate your gender fluid or gender expansive identity and experience. The people around you will likely make assumptions about your gender and identity (that it is static and therefore you are either cis or trans or non-binary) but you will likely be using this explanation when safety or ease of interaction is the main goal so don’t worry too much about not presenting yourself in an ‘authentic’ way. It is always your decision what and how much to disclose about your gender identity.

If you have a fluid or expansive gender, how do you explain it to others? What types of responses do you get and how do you address them? If you have a more narrow or static gender identity, what questions have you always wanted to ask a gender fluid or gender expansive person?

Leave a comment below! Maybe your explanation will give someone with a similar identity the words they need to explain it to the people closest to them.

AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities

Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input.

I recently joined Instagram in an attempt to find more non-binary community. For the most part it has been immensely helpful and wonderful. But one of the things that surprised me was how uncomfortable it was for me to see images of AMAB non-binary folks playing around with their presentation. I was not uncomfortable because I thought they looked strange or weird (they didn’t, they looked awesome), I was uncomfortable because as a non-binary person I was expecting to empathize with them and instead, when I automatically pictured myself using similar strategies for presentation, it made me super dysphoric. This post is an attempt to explore that experience.

AMAB and AFAB people are going to feel dysphoric in different ways and are therefore going to use different strategies to mitigate that dysphoria. This can lead to vastly different, or sometimes completely opposite, gender expressions. For example, an AFAB person might wear a binder, wear traditionally male clothing, and limit their use of makeup. An AMAB person might wear traditionally female clothing, makeup, jewelry, or nail polish.

This is not to say that in order to ‘be’ non-binary, you have to alter your appearance to conform to the other binary gender from what you were assigned at birth. There is no one way to ‘be’ non-binary. There is no ‘right’ way to be non-binary. You can be AFAB, wear a dress and makeup and paint your nails and still be non-binary. But often, dysphoria is either related to aspects of our bodies and biology, or related to how we are viewed by society. Altering our body shape and presentation can help with the dysphoria or lead to gender euphoria and there are strategies that are common among AMAB people and vastly different strategies that are common among AFAB people.

Despite these differences that have made it hard for me to relate to images of AMAB non-binary people, there are many similarities in how we experience the world. We all had to struggle to figure out why we felt uncomfortable with either of the binary gender options that were presented to us. We all had to figure out how to communicate our identity to ourselves and others. We all struggle to have our identity recognized as valid by those around us and society at large. We all struggle against binary assumptions, expectations, and limitations.

There are some AMAB non-binary people who, having taken estrogen, have some breast development and occasionally wear a binder. Or some AFAB people who take low dose testosterone to lower their voice and change their body structure but don’t want facial hair and end up having electrolysis. So even with what seem like vast differences in our strategies to present authentically, non-binary folks can have experiences that overlap in important and interesting ways.

What similarities or differences have you experienced with other non-binary folks? Have you been able to connect with people who share your identity but were assigned a different gender at birth? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think!

Gender Experiments: Wearing a Dress

Yesterday, I tried on a dress for the first time since high school prom. I’d been thinking about doing this for a while. I had a dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked the look of but had never tried on (sorry sis). It is navy blue with a pleated knee length skirt that looks like a kilt, wide shoulder straps, and a high round neck. I was listening to a podcast about drag performers and how liberating it can be to wear clothes that allow you to feel the full spectrum of your gender. So, when I was feeling the most female I have in a couple months, I drummed up the courage and did it.

I had so much fear about what I would look like and how it would make me feel. I worried that it would make me super dysphoric and dissociate from my body. I had this irrational image of myself with long hair and a dress and makeup as if just simply putting on a dress would suddenly transform me into the most feminine version of myself.

I took steps to mitigate any dysphoria that might happen. I wore sweatpants while I was putting it on. I had my black leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I had a chainmaille necklace that is my most masculine piece of jewelry to put on. And I planned to do a workout afterwards to reconnect with my body if necessary.

I’m glad I took all those precautions but as it turned out, I didn’t really need them. I put on the dress in a room with no mirrors. I didn’t burst into flames or tears. I didn’t dissociate from my body. I took off the sweatpants and moved around a bit, feeling the skirt against my legs. That was the weirdest part – the bare legs. I rarely even wear shorts in the summer so that was a strange feeling for more than just gender reasons. I put on my chainmaille necklace, put on my leather jacket, and stepped out into the hall to look in a mirror.

The person I saw in the mirror still looked like me. I still had short hair and hairy legs and broad shoulders. I had a strange mix of relief, intrigue, and discomfort. I took a few pictures, then tried it without the jacket. Still ok. I played around with the look a bit, then took it off and returned it to the closet and put my sweatpants and hoodie back on.

These types of experiments are emotional labour. They take work. This type of thing comes easier to some people than others. At this point in my gender journey I am much more comfortable exploring in the masculine direction than the feminine one so this was a big step for me. To see myself in a dress and still feel authentic, non-binary, genderqueer, was very affirming. It tells me that I am much more secure in my identity than I was eight months ago.

This gives me hope for even more difficult things in the future, like being pregnant. If I still look like myself while wearing a dress, maybe I will still look and feel like myself when I’m pregnant.

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What experiments have you tried when exploring your gender? What types of self-care do you find useful when doing these experiments? What have you been thinking about trying but haven’t found the courage to do yet? Let me know in the comments!

When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong

‘True Trans’ Narrative

When you think of a generic trans person, what comes to mind? Is it someone who feels like they were born into the wrong body, who knew from a very young age that they were meant to be the other gender, who preferred the ‘wrong’ toys and the ‘wrong’ clothes? This is the stereotypical trans story. Within the trans community, this type of experience is called ‘True Trans’ implying that because their experience matches the stereotype, their identity as a trans person is somehow more valid than other people.

While it is true that people with the stereotypical trans experience will be questioned less as to whether they are sure and will have to explain their experience less often, this in no way makes their experience or identity more or less valid than any other. There is no hierarchy of transness.

Other Trans Narratives

Some trans people didn’t realize that their discomfort was related to their gender until they were a teenager going through puberty, or as an adult having kids, or as an older adult going through menopause/andropause. Some trans people don’t feel like they were born into the wrong body at all. Some trans people are only uncomfortable with how society views their body and how they are identified as a result of their body but are completely comfortable with their body on it’s own. Some trans people prefer the activities and clothes typically associated with the gender they were assigned at birth.

These trans experiences are poorly represented by mainstream media and therefore poorly understood or acknowledged by the general public. People with trans experiences that do not match the ‘true trans’ stereotype have a harder time understanding themselves, finding the appropriate words to convey their experience to others, and sometimes fall back on descriptions that match the stereotype just so they can get the validation they deserve from people in their lives and medical professionals even if this is not true to their experience.

The Role of Stereotypes

Identities are complex. Social structures such as gender, race, ethnicity, class, disability, sexuality, etc are all infinitely complex. Stereotypes provide a short hand for people who do not have personal experience with a specific identity can have a basic image or understanding of what other people are referring to.

Stereotypes are often the first step in increasing the visibility of a particular identity and eventually normalizing it. Initially this can be helpful but the stereotype quickly becomes something that the people who live that identity need to fight against and correct.

The Harm of Stereotypes

Stereotypes become harmful when people outside that identity don’t recognize it as a stereotype. They believe that the image or understanding they have of that identity is accurate to everyone with that identity. This is especially true for medical professionals who are in a position to refuse a diagnosis or treatment to someone when that person doesn’t fit the medical professional’s personal definition of ‘trans’.

As I mentioned above, stereotypes can also create a hierarchy within a marginalized identity where the people who’s experience match the stereotype are seen as more valid or more deserving of recognition. This can lead to people being excluded from the community that they need support from the most.

Broadening the Trans Narrative

Members of the trans community have pushed back against the stereotype using phases such as “I am trans enough” which got shortened to “I am enough” and “All trans people are valid”. These have been hugely important messages for many people to see and internalize. Just like cis men don’t have to be hyper-masculine to identify as a man, trans men shouldn’t have to ignore or hide their more feminine interests in order to be recognized as a man or seen as ‘trans enough’ to receive medical treatment (if they want it).

The increasing visibility of non-binary identities and non-binary trans people is also a huge step towards broadening the trans narrative and combatting the ‘true trans’ stereotype. Awareness and acceptance of a minority often ends up benefitting the majority in some way, for example sidewalk cutouts for ramps were originally mandated to improve accessibility for wheelchair users but end up making cityscapes much easier to navigate with a stroller, trolley, bicycle, skateboard, or roller blades. I believe that bringing awareness and acceptance of identities that fall in various places on the gender spectrum, identities that are fluid, and identities that don’t always match the person’s presentation will also benefit cis people by making it acceptable for them to explore interests and presentation options that would have previously been deemed ‘inappropriate’.

How have stereotypes been beneficial or harmful to you? What strategies have you used to correct people’s assumptions based on a stereotype? What other stereotypes of trans people have you found? Leave a comment below!

Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries

Sometimes those of us with experience and knowledge of trans related topics want to help educate those around us and sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. You should never feel like you have to compromise your own mental health for the sake of addressing someone else’s ignorance. But how do you politely tell people to bugger off and educate themselves through other means? And when you are comfortable having some of those conversations, how do you know what you’re comfortable sharing and what you’re not? How do you make them aware of your boundaries without derailing the conversation or damaging your relationship with that person?

Throughout my husband’s transition and my own gender explorations I have had many different conversations with many different types of people about gender and trans related topics. Many times towards the beginning of this process I was already knee deep in a conversation before I realized that I was well past the line that this person shouldn’t have crossed. I am a very open person and I am often comfortable sharing much more personal information with others than most people are so I wasn’t personally uncomfortable with the content. What concerned me more, and often only in retrospect, was that the person I was talking to had no awareness of which questions were appropriate and which ones they should have asked special permission for (and respected my response if I said no). If you have people in your life that have a similar lack of understanding of what is appropriate to ask about or say, see my post How to Interact Respectfully with a Trans Person, or, better yet, send that person the link.

How far do you go before you recommend resources and leave the conversation? That is completely up to you. Everyone will have different boundaries relating to their privacy depending on the type of information, their relationship to the other person/people in the conversation, and the setting where the conversation is taking place. Boundaries are healthy. They are self-protective. The more experiences we have that are threatening, the more self-protective we are likely to become.

The problem comes when you don’t know where your own boundaries are until they have been crossed. This can make you vulnerable, defensive, antagonistic, and can even put your safety at risk. Often, the other person/people in the conversation don’t even know they have crossed a line. Your sudden change in manner can be a shock to them and even to yourself.

How do you avoid this? Think about your boundaries in advance. Below are some guiding questions to get you started. I recommend you add to it any time you get asked a question that triggers a warning bell in your head. Revisit this exercise every few months, when you are nearing a major transition related event, or when you’re going to be interacting with people you haven’t seen in a while (family gatherings). For each question, try to answer it for a variety of different people in your life – a co-worker, a friend, a parent, your doctor, another member of the trans community, etc.

General Info: Are you comfortable…

  • disclosing your birth name?
  • explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
  • talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
  • talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
  • talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
  • talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
  • talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

Medical Info: Are you comfortable…

  • talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
  • talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of those medications?
  • disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?

Legal Info: Are you comfortable…

  • talking about legal documentation changes?
  • discussing transphobic politics and policies?

This is by no means an exhaustive list of topics that might come up related to your own or your partner’s transition or gender identity. If your partner is the one who’s information you would be sharing, go through this list with them so they can tell you what they are comfortable with you sharing with people in your life. My husband is typically a fairly private person (at least compared to me), but often had much looser boundaries when it came to me sharing info with my coworkers or friends if they were people that he was unlikely to interact with.

Now that you know your boundaries, what do you do or say when someone asks something that you are not comfortable talking about? Try saying exactly that – “Sorry, that isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with you.” Another phrase I use a lot (because there is rarely something I’m actually not comfortable talking about with someone) is “That is not actually something you should typically ask about a trans person.” They usually respond with “Oh, really? I had no idea.” You can also add phrases such as “Thank you for your concern” or “Thanks for trying to learn more about my experiences/trans issues” or “If you want to learn more about that I would recommend [appropriate resource].”

So whose responsibility is it to do the educating? I believe that no amount of reading on the internet can substitute for face to face conversation and personal anecdotes. But that doesn’t mean that it is always up to the minority to educate the majority. People from or connected to the trans community should not be responsible for providing all necessary information to everyone around them (especially medical professionals). That would be more than exhausting. But you will need to provide the people in your life with enough information to get them from unconsciously ignorant to consciously ignorant and explain how important it is that they educate themselves further. It will also help if you can provide them with specific resources that speak to you. They are much more likely to absorb the information they are getting from other sources if they are confident that it is relevant to your experience.

What other topics or questions would you add to the list? How do your boundaries change depending on your situation or the person you’re talking to? What phrases do you use to identify your boundaries to other people? Was there a situation where you shared something that you realized in retrospect had crossed your personal boundary? Tell me what happened in the comments below!

Visibility and Representation

VISIBILITY

I define visibility as feeling seen by those around you, consciously or unconsciously. This can be specific to a particular aspect of your identity or a recognition of the complexity and intersectionality of different parts of your identity.

Visibility is also being recognized by a stranger as belonging to the same group giving a sense of solidarity and community. Being visible as a queer person can give unspoken support for someone in the closet who may be struggling. This can be done using symbols, colours, flags, or expression styles.

Initially, as a gay person, I used rainbows for visibility. Then, after Jake and I started dating (before Jake’s transition), I was much more visible as being queer by being part of a gay couple and talking about my wife. When Jake transitioned I loss this visibility because I am now seen as part of a straight couple and I talk about my husband. I struggled with this loss of visibility because it felt like a loss of identity. Once I recognized it as a visibility issue I went back to my previous habits of using rainbow symbols and talking about the queer aspects of my identity more openly. It took a bit of work to find ways of doing this that didn’t out Jake as trans but it’s definitely possible.

More recently, I’ve wanted to be visible as genderqueer or nonbinary. This is still fairly new and since I’m not ready to be as open about it with everyone in my life I have to rely on symbols/flags that other genderqueer people will recognize or changing my appearance such as cutting my hair short. More on this to come.

REPRESENTATION

I think of representation as seeing yourself in media, or at least seeing realistic portrayals of a particular aspect of your identity. Often, appropriate representation isn’t spontaneously available and I have searched for it online.

As with visibility, the representation I feel connected to has shifted over time, through Jake’s transition and into my own gender exploration process. Initially, lesbian role models spoke to me the most, then trans masculine role models while I was trying to understand Jake’s identity and experiences, and now, nonbinary and genderqueer role models are what I connect with the most.

I have found both visibility and representation to be extremely important to me, especially with aspects of my identity that are typically invisible. Do you find visibility and/or representation important? How has your need for and type of visibility and representation changed as your identity has evolved? Leave a comment below!

Why I Don’t Identify As Trans

Trans

The root word trans typically means across or change. As a queer identity it has two main meanings. The binary version is that a trans person identifies with the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth (still the way society interprets the label). The gender spectrum version is that they do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (this is the definition that I use). None of these definitions really fit me as I still do identify with the gender I was assigned at birth but I also identify with other parts of the gender spectrum at the same time.

experience with a label is important

My experience with the trans label is primarily through my husband’s transition from female to male. This involved a change of name both socially and legally, a change of gender pronouns and legal gender marker, and various components of a medical transition. None of this applies to me or what my personal acceptance and exploration path looks like (at least not yet).

Trans is not the same as ‘not cis’

For me, Trans is a specific identity that covers many different types of experiences but not necessarily all identities that are not cis. Many people use it as an umbrella term to cover any identity that is not cis-gendered (their gender matches what they were assigned at birth). Technically I would fall under that umbrella term. But that is not how I define trans. I don’t see ‘trans’ and ‘cis’ as opposites. Someone else with an identity similar to mine is totally free to use the label trans if it suits them.

Presentation

Even though my presentation is often fairly masculine, I am socially read as female. If I used the label trans I would either be read as a pre-T trans guy or a trans woman (which is a label that is generally used by AMAB people who identify as female), neither of which applies to me and really just confuses the situation.

Me

My gender is both the same as what I was assigned at birth and includes a component that is different from what I was assigned at birth. My husband’s experience is very different from mine and I strongly associate the label ‘trans’ with his experience. Many people who are not cis have a feeling of being ‘not trans enough’ to earn the label or to ‘qualify’ to use the label trans. I too have to fight against the feeling of not being legitimate in my gender experience but since I do not have an affinity with the label ‘trans’ I can’t express it using the phrase ‘not trans enough’. I have found other labels I prefer which you can read about here.

 

What is your definition and experience of the label Trans? Is it a label you identify with? Have you struggled with other people assuming your identity is something other than what it is as a result of using the label Trans? If you don’t associate with the label Trans, what other labels do you use instead? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

Interpersonal Dysphoria

After my husband decided to transition I slowly started picturing him the way he pictured himself: with a flat chest and facial hair. Seeing him with a female chest became uncomfortable. But I couldn’t really picture exactly what he would look like with a flat chest. So instead, this area of my mental image of him kind of blurred out.

In prep for his top surgery consult we had to take topless pictures for the surgeon and take measurements which was a very uncomfortable experience for both of us as neither of us pictured him with a female shaped chest at this point.

After surgery we went back to the clinic about a week later for removal of the bandages. It was a very interesting experience to see his chest flat for the first time. I was finally able to look at that part of his body and not have what I was seeing conflict with what he looked like in my head. Over time the blurry part where his chest was in my mental image cleared to match what his chest looks like now.

I have started describing this type of experience as Interpersonal Dysphoria. This is when your mental image of your friend/partner/family member has changed to match their newly affirmed gender but their physical body hasn’t changed yet.

Experiencing interpersonal dysphoria is a good sign!! It means you are ahead of the game and have adjusted your mental image to match your partner’s identity. But it still sucks because it makes you somewhat uncomfortable with how they look. If you never experience dysphoria for your own body this is as close as you are likely to come to knowing what it feels like.

The areas of their body that now seem ‘wrong’ to you are likely the areas that they experience dysphoria with. But making this assumption can cause problems. Are you comparing their body with a cis body of their ‘preferred’ gender? Or are you comparing their body to how they personally wish their body looked? These are two different scenarios. Comparing to a cis body can be dangerous because they may not have any problem with certain areas of their body. If you are comparing to a cis body you are assigning a gender to their body parts the same way society does which can lead to shame, disgust, and dysphoria or avoiding interacting with parts of their body that they are actually comfortable with.

To avoid this scenario you need to have open conversations with your person to learn how they feel about different parts of their body and why (or as open a conversation as is appropriate given your relationship to that person – coworker vs sibling vs partner). Give your partner room to think about these questions and change their mind at different times. Recognize that these conversations will cause a temporary increase in dysphoria just by having your partner focus on those body parts. You may want to break the conversation into small pieces and revisit it with recovery time in between. Build in self-care recovery time after each of these conversations for both of you.

If your person can articulate how they feel about their body and how they picture their ideal body that would match their identity, you should cultivate a mental image that matches. This will help you adjust to using a different name and different pronouns and help you unconsciously interact with them in more gender affirming ways.

If this person is your partner, this type of interpersonal dysphoria will also lead to changes in how you will be intimate with each other. If you haven’t already had conversations about what ways your partner is comfortable having you interact with their body and what they are comfortable doing with you, now is as good a time as any. Keep in mind this is a two-way street – the conversation should also include what you are comfortable doing with them and having them do to you.

As they explore their gender and gender expression and find ways to deal with dysphoria during intimacy and sex the boundaries of what each of you are comfortable with may overlap or not in various ways and may change over time. These are conversations that you should get used to having on a regular basis. I don’t want to go into full sex talk mode here so I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. If these conversations are too difficult for you to have with your partner or your partner isn’t able or willing to engage with you in this discussion I recommend finding a couple’s therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help you out.

 

Have you experienced interpersonal dysphoria with your partner, friend, or family member? How did you navigate the conversations that needed to happen for you to know how they pictured their body? Leave a comment below with your experiences or questions!

At the Gym

I have always been an athletic person. I played baseball right from T-ball to high school, soccer in middle school, and was generally an outdoorsy kid climbing trees and exploring the woods around our cottage. I learned to swim, canoe, ski, and skate at our cottage, and learned how to sail, kayak, and ride horses at summer camp. This is where I first discovered archery which became my focus throughout high school and into university. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped training which also meant I became less fit and less active. In graduate school I briefly got involved in rowing and quickly remembered what I liked about learning new sports and being active. Then I moved and it’s been hard to keep up with. Now-a-days, in order to stay fit I have to go to the gym to workout. This is a very different experience from what I was used to growing up, especially with dysphoria added on top.

Gyms and other traditional workout spaces are not very friendly environments for people with dysphoria. There are change rooms separated into male and female, mirrors, revealing or fitted clothing, and a focus on your body which may be the greatest source of your discomfort. But at the same time, people who experience dysphoria often struggle with their mental health as a result and would greatly benefit from regular physical activity. Or maybe, being athletic is a part of their identity that is something stable that they can focus on when everything else feels like it’s in flux.

I enjoy working out at the gym. It makes me feel strong, satisfied, relaxed, alert, and more in tune with my body. It gives me a positive way to focus on my body and the strength in it instead of the ways it sometimes feels wrong. Working out at the gym is one of the best ways for me to relieve some of the tension that builds up from constant frustration, dysphoria, and safety math. I use the female change room but there is a gender neutral washroom down the hall that I could use if I want to. The gym is small and has mirrors along one wall which I avoid facing when I have more dysphoria. I generally wear a fitted sports bra and a loose shirt and basketball shorts or board shorts.

For some reason, different activities at the gym make me feel different aspects of my gender. On the female side there is steady, long duration cardio, lighter weights, core exercises, stretching, and pilates or yoga type exercises. On the male side there is heavier weights, more intense short duration cardio, and plyometric or agility type exercises. In the neutral category is balance, combination exercises, and interval type cardio.

Those lists of activities seem pretty stereotypical. To be clear, I am not suggesting that specific types of exercise are gendered in any way, just that this is how they feel to me and the effect they have on my gender. Not everyone will experience physical activity as having anything to do with their gender.

I’m not really surprised that my experience of my gender while working out is affected by stereotypes. Most of our experiences are in some ways. But knowing how different activities interact with my sense of my gender allows me to choose activities strategically. I can pick activities that will be in line with my current experience of my gender to minimize dysphoria. Or I can pick activities that balance out my experience of my gender. Typically this means picking activities that help me feel more masculine to offset being identified solely as female in my day-to-day life.

So, the majority of the time, I prefer the activities from the ‘masculine’ list. Until recently, I hadn’t identified this preference as a gender based thing. But that is definitely a component of it. Those activities help me feel more at ease with myself and more balanced whereas the other ones accentuate feelings of dysphoria or imbalance, generally towards the female side. In order to maintain my fitness the way I’d like, I’ll have to find ways of making the more ‘feminine’ activities feel more masculine for me or pair them with other masculine activities.

I have found other forms of activity that I enjoy as well. These are often more similar to the sports I enjoyed as a kid, home workouts, or workout classes specifically for queer/trans people.

My biggest difficulty is motivation, as it is for anyone trying to form a new habit of being physically active. When my mental health is suffering I mainly experience apathy. So even though this is when I need to workout the most, I have a hard time caring enough or building up enough energy to do it. I try to hold myself accountable by finding a workout buddy who won’t let me get out of it. Once I go I always end up feeling better and having more energy and less tension than when I started. Hopefully writing that down and sending it out into the world will remind me of that the next time.

 

How does working out or physical activity influence your sense of your gender? Do you struggle to be physically active as a result of dysphoria, environment, or mental health? What strategies have you found that help you maintain an active lifestyle? Leave a comment below with your thoughts and experiences!

 

My Physical vs Social Sense of Gender

My physical sense of my gender and my social sense of my gender fluctuate separately but can line up at times (here is my post about how I figured this out and tools I used to explore it). Here, I will describe what I mean by physical and social gender, what it feels like when my physical and social sense of gender match or differ in various places on the spectrum, and what strategies I use to manage dysphoria in each situation.

PHYSICAL GENDER

This is based on how comfortable I am in my  body as a female-assigned person. If my body feels completely right for me and I’m happy to show off my curves my physical gender is female. If I’m mildly uncomfortable with my curves but don’t necessarily feel like I should have a completely flat chest I’m closer to neutral. If I’m really uncomfortable and wouldn’t want to go out of the house without a binder on my physical gender is male. There are other physical aspects that play into this but shape and chest are the easiest to describe.

SOCIAL GENDER

This includes how various aspects of interacting with other people and being in public spaces feel such as pronouns, gendered language, bathrooms, social interactions, etc. What pronouns feel most comfortable on a given day is a big clue where my social gender sits (usually they/them but often she/her don’t bother me much). Often female gendered language (ma’am, ladies, girl) bothers me more than female pronouns but the days when I would prefer the equivalent male gendered terms are the days I’m likely socially male.

PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
  • Indicators:
    • Minimal dysphoria, physical or social
  • Effects:
    • Generally more at ease, more comfortable
    • More likely to socialize
    • Causes a feeling of invisibility or like I have to justify my queerness
  • Strategies:
    • Comfortable wearing name tag at work
    • Comfortable wearing bras and female clothes
    • Will make sure queer symbols are visible
    • Wear a piece of masculine jewelry to remind myself/express my masculine side but mostly female jewelry
    • hair up nice or down
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Enjoy the comfort
    • No amount of femininity invalidates my queer or genderqueer identity
PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
  • Indicators:
    • Mild physical dysphoria but only when I’m putting on clothes to leave the house and picturing how people will see me
    • Internal cringes relating to female spaces or language
  • Effects:
    • Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
    • Strange feeling of needing to wear a binder even though I am perfectly fine with my body when I’m on my own
    • Frustration at how people can’t just know that I’m a guy in a female body and be fine with that
  • Strategies:
    • Wear tight sports bra or binder
    • Masculine presentation including hair, accessories, and clothing
    • ‘Forget’ to wear my name tag at work
    • Avoid gendered spaces/bathrooms
    • Minimize social interaction at work
    • Spend more time alone, in nature, with my husband, or with queer friends who refer to me as Ray and use they/them pronouns
    • Converse/interact in more masculine ways
  • Personal Reminders:
    • I’m a female-bodied man
    • Think of myself as Ray
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
  • Indicators:
    • Physical dysphoria even when I’m alone
    • Minimal discomfort with female pronouns or female spaces
  • Effects:
    • Want to feel masculine but interact in ways that appear feminine
    • Socially comfortable
    • Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
  • Strategies:
    • Avoid mirrors unless clothed
    • Wear binder, baggier clothes, and darker/more neutral colours especially for tops
    • Lift weights
    • Move and posture in masculine ways but interact and converse in more feminine ways
    • Comfortable wearing name tag
    • Avoid multitasking
    • Write down all new information so I don’t have to retain it
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Acknowledge that I am Ray on the inside even if I’m comfortable being Meaghan on the outside
    • I’m a masculine woman
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
  • Indicators:
    • Physical and social dysphoria whether I’m alone or going out
  • Effects:
    • Want to be seen as male and feel physically male
    • Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
    • Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
    • Strong feeling of invisibility
    • Lots of cringing with female language, pronouns, interactions, and spaces
  • Strategies:
    • Wear binder and masculine clothing and accessories
    • Don’t wear name tag
    • Avoid gendered spaces
    • Workout
    • Spend time with queer friends
    • Listen to trans podcasts/watch trans youtube videos
    • Use self-care toolkit and listen to self-care playlist
    • Talk to my husband/commiserate
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Today is just a male day
    • I know I’m Ray even if no-one else does

I grouped neutral and male together because I am AFAB so neutral feels the same as male but less intense because it is still towards the ‘male side’ of my physical and social baseline of female.

Do your physical sense of your gender and social sense of your gender fluctuate separately? Do you have similar or different experiences to the ones I describe above? What strategies do you use to manage social or physical dysphoria and make yourself more comfortable? Leave me a comment below!