Non-binary – Page 2 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Let’s Talk Gender S2E4: Name, Pronouns, and Other Gendered Language

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about figuring out how you feel about your name, pronouns, and other types of gendered language and how to decide what feels right.

NAMES

Some people feel very uncomfortable with their birth name, either because it is typically interpreted in a gendered way or because it is associated with their past identity before coming out.

Some people are perfectly comfortable with their name but decide to change it because of how it is interpreted by society or to signal their change of identity to others.

Some people are comfortable with their name and never feel the need to change it.

Some people, and this is the version that relates to my experience, use different names depending on how they feel or what situation they’re in.

I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name – Meaghan – because it represents the female half of myself. I also have the name Ray that represents the male half of myself. I think of myself as Meaghan Ray and will go by Meaghan or Ray or Meaghan Ray depending on the situation. Primarily I use Meaghan in everyday life and with family and Ray in queer spaces. So far I haven’t changed my name legally but I am considering changing my middle name to Ray.

But how did I figure out that this way of using different names was right for me?

If you listened to Episode 1 of Season 2 you heard me talk about my initial gender experience in grade 10 where I was switching back and forth between Meaghan (female) and Ray (male). I had no idea why I was responding to the name Ray or where it came from. It just seemed to be part of my male identity from the start. So essentially, I never had to search for a name that fit. But that also meant that switching to a new, gender neutral name that would encompass both parts of myself didn’t feel right either. So I had to figure out how to use both Meaghan and Ray as names in a way that gave me a sense of balance and authenticity.

At first it felt awkward and scary to introduce myself as Ray in queer spaces. One of the biggest experiments I did with this was going on a writing retreat on a cruise ship with a whole group of strangers that I may or may not ever interact with again. The organizers were very queer friendly and had everyone fill out a form stating what we wanted on our name badge. It didn’t have to match our legal name and would include pronouns. So I went with Ray and they/them pronouns. People followed through on the name really well because they had never known me as anything else. Pronouns were a different story but I’ll get to that in a sec.

If you are uncomfortable with your name and want to change it, here are a few strategies to try.

Start with a gender neutral or more affirming nickname version of your name if one exists. If this feels better than your birth name, it not only points you in the right direction and gives you a bit of affirmation and euphoria but is also easier to get people to use without having to come out (if you don’t feel ready yet).

Look up gender neutral names in a baby name app or ask close friends what they think might fit you. Test out various names by writing about yourself in third person, using that name as an online identity, ask close friends to test it out with you, or put a different name in each time you order something online (or when ordering coffee) so you see how it feels when it arrives.

There will be a name that you keep coming back to or that stands out as feeling right. Even if it’s not the one that everyone else thinks you should use, if it feels right to you, that’s the one to use.

If you’re comfortable with your name, either because it is gender neutral to start off with or because it feels right regardless of what gender it flags to everyone else, that’s fine too! You don’t have to change it in order to be ‘trans enough’ or ‘nonbinary enough’ to claim a particular identity.

Keep in mind though that people generally associate who you are with your name and may have trouble understanding how their perception of you is incorrect, and struggle to correct it, if your name is staying the same. If this turns out to be the case, you can always decide to change your name later if you feel you want or need to.

PRONOUNS

Getting people to use they/them pronouns, and even more so neopronouns, is a big struggle. So much so that it has been a huge barrier to me feeling like it would be beneficial to come out as nonbinary. If I’m not changing my name and no one is going to use the correct pronouns anyway, why bother?

When I say that getting people to use they/them pronouns is a struggle, I’m comparing it to getting people to switch from female pronouns to male pronouns when my husband transitioned. That was still a struggle and took quite a while (and he still gets misgendered by coworkers four years later!) but at this point he almost always gets referred to using he/him pronouns by strangers. Not only will strangers forever label me as female and revert to she/her pronouns but even when I have explicitly asked someone to use they/them pronouns (and even have it printed on a badge I am wearing) they still struggle with it unless they have had prior experience and know other people who use they/them pronouns.

There are a number of reasons why I think people struggle with they/them pronouns more than binary ones.

I’m not even going to talk about the ‘it’s not grammatically correct’ hurdle because seriously, it is, you use them all the time as a singular pronoun already.

The sticking point is that people don’t often use them consciously as singular pronouns. They only use they/them singular as a default when they don’t know someone’s gender such as when referring to an unknown person when they find an umbrella forgotten on a bus. To use they/them singular consciously seems to use different brain circuitry.

Another component to this sticking point is that in those circumstances where they already use they/them singular, they are using it for someone who’s gender is unknown, not someone they know. Most people have an association with they/them pronouns as being ambiguous, vague, distant, a place-holder until you identify the person’s gender. So when we ask them to use they/them pronouns to refer to us, someone they know, it makes them feel like they are referring to us in a way that denotes distance in the relationship, not familiarity.

When my husband socially transitioned and asked people to start using he/him pronouns, they struggled with it until their mental image of him was that of a male person instead of a female one. After that he was misgendered significantly less. This is another thing that creates difficulty with people adopting they/them and neopronouns. If people have a hard time conceptualizing nonbinary identities let alone applying that identity to me specifically, they will likely have a hard time automatically using the correct pronouns.

I do have some strategies that I want to recommend to help people adopt a new name and/or pronouns if that is a change you want to make.

Request that they change your name or add your pronouns next to your name in their phone contact info for you. Every time you text or call they will be reminded of the correct name and pronouns.

Have as many open conversations as you can with them about how you see yourself in terms of gender. The better they understand how you see yourself, the easier time they will have of changing their own mental image of you and therefore the name and pronouns that they associate with you.

Have an ally with you who will model the correct name and pronouns. If you would like, this ally can also correct the other people’s use of name and pronouns or they can simply set a good example.

Set ground rules about how you will correct their use of pronouns. You can use a code word, for example ‘potato’, every time they get it wrong, or you can correct them once during each interaction, if that’s all the energy you have, with the understanding that you expect them to correct themselves and each other from then on.

One suggestion I would stress is to make it clear that you expect them to use the correct pronouns and name for you even when you are not present and to correct each other if they get it wrong. This is the only way they will ever get it consistently right when you are around.

OTHER GENDERED LANGUAGE

But of course, we can be misgendered by more than just our name or pronouns. There is lots of other gendered language that people use without realizing.

There’s the everyday Ma’am and sir, ladies, guys, dude, bro, hey man, hey girl.

Then there’s the familial terms such as son, daughter, sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, ect

If people I have come out to use those everyday gendered terms to refer to me I will say a quick ‘nope!’ or ‘not a lady’, ‘not a girl’, in response. This will sometimes lead to a brief conversation of what they should say instead and as long as they follow through on that next time, it can be a helpful interaction.

If someone I’m not out to yet consistently uses those terms, especially when including me in a group of women (which happens often at my workplace), I will simply not respond to the general greeting because it didn’t actually apply to me. If they address me specifically or follow up with something else, I’ll respond per usual. I have noticed that this subliminal messaging has a decent effect on some people that I interact with on a more regular basis. Whether they’re aware of it consciously or not, they use those terms less and less when referring to me or addressing me, and they’ll find another way to get my attention.

For the more formal familial terms there are lots of gender neutral options. Mx. is the gender neutral honorific instead of Mrs, Ms, or Mr. It is pronounced Mix which can be used instead of ma’am and sir as well. Those are most often used in a customer service setting where they could just as easily leave them off and say ‘can I help you?’ or refer to you as a customer, patron, or shopper instead of a woman or man. There is nibling for niece or nephew, sibling instead of sister or brother, child or first-born, eldest, youngest, etc instead of son or daughter. The gender neutral version of aunt or uncle is more varied and personal though I personally like Untie (pronounced UN-tee).

Parental names are a whole other story. There are so many options for parental terms that are not mom or dad that it is hard to narrow it down or find one that feels right. By the time this episode airs, I will hopefully be a new parent so this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.

Not only what will the child call me but how will I enforce that term with other family members when they are referring to me when talking to the child, especially if I’m not out to all those family members yet? And how much more misgendering will I have to deal with once the child is going to school?

I will talk about this more during episode 8 when I talk about nonbinary pregnancy and parenting. And I will definitely be posting updates on this journey as a nonbinary parent on my blog. If you subscribe, you’ll get the updates in your inbox.

More recently, during the pregnancy experience, I have encountered a ton of gendered language around pregnant people being referred to consistently as women, mom, or mom-to-be.

When talking about breastfeeding there is also a huge lack of inclusive terminology. So naturally, I wrote a blog post about that too, with a list of inclusive terminology suggestions for pregnancy, birthing, and feeding a baby. I will be talking more about that in Episode 8 as well.

TAKE AWAY

During my own journey of navigating names, pronouns, and other gendered language, I discovered that all three of these aspects affect me differently.

For example, as I mentioned, I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name, except for the times I’m feeling almost exclusively male. Even so, I do feel like I need some time as being identified as Ray, just to feel like I maintain a balance and a feeling of authenticity and visibility.

I’m comfortable with she/her pronouns about 50-75% of the time, he/him pronouns about 25% or less of the time, and they/them pronouns 100% of the time.

I’m rarely if ever comfortable with the generic female gendered language such as ladies, ma’am, miss or girl. I’m much more comfortable with generic male gendered language including sir, man, bro, dude and guys.

I’m ok with certain female gendered familial terms but only if I’ve had specific conversations with the other people involved in that relationship and know that they see me for who I am but still prefer to use the same term due to the emotional history between us. If they’re comfortable shifting to a neutral option, that is generally more comfortable for me.

All this to say, just because your name, pronouns, and other language people use for you may all relate to the gender you were assigned at birth which you no longer identify as or feel comfortable with, it doesn’t mean that all three of these things, or any of them for that matter, have to be uncomfortable for you or that they are equally so.

I recommend looking at each of these aspects separately and seeing if they actually cause varying degrees of dysphoria. How they feel may be different depending on the context, who is using that name, pronoun, or language, or how your gender feels at the time (especially if you’re genderfluid like me).

If this gets overwhelming, feel free to email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember: You are not alone.

That’s it for Episode 4 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 5 I will be talking about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, and how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again).

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E3: Nonbinary Gender Presentation and Expression

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about nonbinary gender presentation and expression and how to figure out what works for you.

EXPLORING MY GENDER PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

I think of presentation as things people would see in a picture – clothes, hair style, makeup, facial hair, accessories. Expression is everything else – behaviours, voice, how you walk, gesture, and move, conversation style, word choice.

As I was raised female and I am generally identified as a woman by strangers, I started by adopting a more masculine clothing style. I did this before I even knew it was a gender thing. This was a fairly low risk change in presentation because it is acceptable for women to dress more masculine in my social culture. However, the same is not true for someone who is typically identified as a man by strangers who wants to dress more femininely. For that person, a change in clothing might come much later in the process of exploring presentation and expression.

Body hair was another aspect of my appearance that I figured out fairly early on. I was never comfortable with shaving my legs and intermittently comfortable with shaving under my arms. So I followed my instincts with those, again, well before knowing it was even a gender thing.

I have never had facial hair and haven’t experimented with it since I never felt like I wanted any though I have been thinking more about it lately and might try some experiments with makeup in the future.

My hairstyle was next. I had always had longer hair but kept it tied back. I cut it shorter for cuts for cancer one year and loved it. I never went back to having full long hair but didn’t have the guts to keep it short either. Then the undercut style came into fashion which was prefect for me – the one time I actually wanted to follow along with a fashion trend! I slowly went from an undercut to a side cut, to just cutting the whole thing short. This was the single most euphoric thing I have done in terms of presentation. Even now, about two years later, every time I get a haircut it feels great.

As someone who has breasts, I also wanted to try a binder. Having experienced my husband using a binder during his transition, I already knew that I would love how this looked and felt. Unfortunately due to a medical condition, I can’t wear it for very long or for more than two days in a row but this usually suits me fine as my gender fluctuates somewhat and usually doesn’t stay in the ‘male’ range for very long. I have since experimented with Trans Tape as well which definitely has a learning curve but on the third try I got a good result that I was comfortable with and will definitely keep it as an option in the future.

I have also experimented with wearing a small packer. This is something that was especially terrifying in public but I have come to realize that it is much more noticeable to me than to anyone else. So I mostly do it for the feel rather than the look. I find it particularly useful when I can’t wear my binder due to pain or length of time before I’ll have a chance to change, but I’m feeling more male and have moderate physical dysphoria.

In terms of expression, I always naturally had a more neutral or masculine interaction style and didn’t have to work particularly hard to get rid of the more feminine mannerisms. However, I have noticed this to be more of a struggle for some nonbinary people, especially those who were socialized male. Often we are unaware of which of our mannerisms are being read as masculine or feminine by those around us until it is pointed out so if changing your expression is important to you, I recommend finding a trusted friend who is typically read by strangers the way you want to be read and have them give you feedback on your behvaiours, mannerisms, and conversation style.

One aspect of expression I did specifically work on (and am still conscious of) is the pitch of my voice. As I’ve mentioned before on this podcast, when my husband’s voice lowered when he started taking testosterone, my voice sounded high in comparison. I worked at lowering the range of my voice and speaking in the lower part of my range until it became natural. Luckily I did have some singing training so I had lots of exercises that I knew how to do to strengthen or change the range of my voice. But if you don’t have this type of training you can definitely look up apps that will take you through these exercises.

I also became more conscious of how much I was apologizing and how often I would move over on a sidewalk or in a hallway, especially if a man was walking towards me and tried to avoid doing these things if they were unnecessary and simply a programmed reaction from being socialized female.

THERE ARE NO RULES

The practical aspects of what you want to change about your gender presentation and expression and how you explore that are going to be different for everyone.

When I was looking for ideas of what to try that might feel good for me, I found Instagram to be very helpful. I followed nonbinary hashtags and found people to follow who had a look that I wanted to emulate.

Remember there are no rules when it comes to nonbinary presentation and identity, despite what the media tells us. Nonbinary does not equal young, thin, white, assigned female at birth. Nonbinary presentation does not have to equal androgyny.

There is no such thing as ‘presenting as nonbinary’. Presentation and identity are two separate things. Do what feels right for you.

HOW TO EXPLORE YOUR PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

But how do you figure out what feels right for you when the options are limitless? I’ll talk you through a step-by-step approach that we used during my husband’s transition and I used to experiment with some aspects for myself.

Start by making a list of everything you can think of that you want to try. The questionnaire from Dara’s book that I talked about in Episode 2 helped me out with this a lot. Try to break it down as much as possible into small pieces. For example, say you want to try wearing nail polish. Clear nail polish is much more subtle than a brightly coloured one and black nail polish generally signals something different again. So if wearing a bright colour seems too scary or obvious, maybe add ‘wear clear nail polish’ to the list and start there.

Next, make a hierarchical list of environments including a variety of places and the people you would be around from most safe to least safe or most scary for you. This can include at home by yourself, at home with your partner or family, at a trusted friend’s house, out in public with a trusted friend or your partner, at work, around extended family, etc.

For each thing on the list, match it up with an environment that you would feel ok trying it in first off. Some of the more covert things might feel fine to do in public right from the start where some of the things on your list you might need to start by trying it in your most secure environment on the list.

As you’ve probably guessed, the next step is to start trying things. Start with something that doesn’t feel too scary to you and slowly work your way through your list.

First, I recommend trying each thing separately and later you can try combining parts of your presentation to see if that changes how you feel about a particular aspect. So for example, if you didn’t like wearing a skirt, that didn’t feel very good to you, later on, try wearing a skirt but with a more masculine top, or after you’ve cut your hair short, or while you have facial hair. Maybe the skirt will feel different in that context.

Once you’ve tried a few things in safe environments and figured out what you like, start trying them in the next environment down the list.

This type of practical experimentation can feel exhilarating. It is scary but also euphoric. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and exhausting. Whichever way each experiment goes, it is definitely emotionally draining. So make sure you have a good self-care strategy in place for before, during, or after if needed. This can be a phone call check in scheduled with a trusted friend, meditation or journaling about the experience, making yourself your favourite meal afterwards, whatever works for you.

As you figure out what you like, what feels authentic, and what is comfortable even if it’s too scary to do in public just yet, keep adjusting and adding to your list. Start looking for interesting combinations to try or something you had rejected a long time ago, before even becoming aware of your gender identity.

For me, this was trying on a dress for the first time since high school prom.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE: WEARING A DRESS

I had this dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked.

I was expecting to feel very uncomfortable and dysphoric when I put it on so I collected a bunch of my more masculine jewelry and a leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I also made sure I was home alone and would have some personal time afterwards if I needed it.

I brought everything to a room of the house that didn’t have any mirrors. And then I tried on the dress. At first it did feel uncomfortable. So I put on my jacket over top. That felt enough better that I wanted to take a picture of myself to see what I looked like. To my surprise and encouragement, I looked like my nonbinary self in a dress. I didn’t look like a woman I didn’t recognize. I had this irrational image in my mind that as soon as I put on the dress I would all of a sudden have long hair again, I would maybe have makeup on… Obviously, none of that happened. I still had short hair. I still looked like myself.

So I stepped out into the hall to see myself in a mirror. I spun in a circle and played with the skirt of the dress. I took off my jacket and looked at myself again. Yup, still nonbinary.

While this experiment was a success in terms of turning out to be affirming and decreasing my fear of trying something, I still wouldn’t choose to wear a dress in public because of what it would signal to others. While I still saw myself and felt like my typical nonbinary self, it’s unlikely that strangers would when they read me as female when I’m wearing my most masculine clothes.

But maybe, some day, I will feel comfortable going out in public wearing a long flowy skirt and a button up shirt with a binder or tape on and my leather bomber jacket on top.

MANY REASONS FOR CHANGING YOUR PRESENTATION

There are lots of different reasons for presenting in different ways. Making yourself feel as comfortable in your own skin as possible is one of them.

Safety is another one. Maybe it’s not safe for you to outwardly present in the way that would be most comfortable due to the threat of physical violence or the risk of losing your job, housing, or other forms of support and stability. In this case, you may choose to present in a way that blends in and find subtle or covert ways to present differently such as having your legs shaved or unshaved and wearing long pants most of the time, or wearing a more gender affirming style of underwear. Cutting or growing out your hair can also be less of a flag for people as it is much less tied to gender than many other aspects of presentation.

Another reason to alter your presentation may be for social attention or visibility, or so we can be more easily identified as queer to others in the community.

And sometimes we want to influence how people perceive us so they interact with us differently. I’ve noticed that people are less likely to interact with me in a feminine way or expect me to interact in a feminine way if I’m presenting more masculinely. This can help a lot with social dysphoria. I have definitely had days where I didn’t have a lot of physical dysphoria around my chest but I wanted to get people to interact with me as though I was male as much as possible so I wore a binder anyway.

NONBINARY PRESENTATION IS LIMITLESS

Unfortunately, in the binary society we live in, strangers will always try to categorize us as either male or female. For this reason, there really isn’t such a thing as ‘passing’ as nonbinary. The closest thing I have seen would be making people confused or hesitate, or passing as male in one situation and female the next.

Some people may find this inability to be recognized as who they are frustrating. Sometimes I do too. But I also find it liberating. If the goal isn’t to ‘pass’ as either male or female, you can do what you want. There are so many varieties of nonbinary presentations that I have seen.

There’s something like me which is kind of androgynous, kind of masculine some days. I like wearing more fitted tank tops with more baggy bottoms, that type of thing.

There’s having a flat chest (either due to not having grown breasts, having had top surgery, or wearing a binder or tape) and wearing more feminine clothes and makeup.

There’s having a full beard (either due to having a body that naturally produces testosterone, taking testosterone as HRT, or wearing a fake beard or makeup) and then also wearing a dress at the same time.

You can present differently day to day or find something that is fairly consistent.

You can take hormones to alter your presentation and expression in certain ways and then counteract some of the effects if they’re not for you such as wearing a binder or getting top surgery after taking estrogen or getting electrolysis to remove facial hair after taking testosterone.

If you’re afraid of what a more permanent change might mean, look at both types of typical binary transition as well as nonbinary presentations. Maybe following a more typical binary transition will actually work for you. That doesn’t mean you are any less nonbinary (unless you decide for yourself that that label no longer fits).

There are no rules. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. If you’re feeling lost, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I will try to help you connect with others that share your experiences or just be a sounding board if you need someone to listen. You are not alone.

That’s it for Episode 3 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender. Among the resources for this episode are two blog posts I did on wearing a binder – the first one on physiological effects and the second on recommendations and exercises you can do to minimize these effects so check those out if you or someone you know wears a binder.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 4 I will be talking about how to navigate names, pronouns, and other language as a nonbinary person. As other nonbinary people will attest, there is way more gendered language out there than you realize! Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E2: Nonbinary Gender Exploration

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about nonbinary gender exploration including my own personal exploration process and some other general ways you can explore your own gender.

MY INITIAL GENDER EXPLORATION PROCESS

I started with a list of what I knew:

Both male and female
My gender fluctuated somewhat
I had both physical and social dysphoria
I felt invisible but didn’t feel ready to come out yet

I then made a list of what I wanted to find out:

How much my gender actually fluctuated
What triggered my dysphoria and how I could manage it or increase euphoria instead
How to flag my gender to those around me so they interacted with me in a way that is more comfortable
Whether I needed to transition socially, medically, or legally in the future

TOOLS I USED

Gender Tracker

I found this to be the most useful. I was already using a bullet journal for my day to day organization, personal notes, and journaling, and a habit tracker already built into that so I made a gender tracker to go along with it. I tracked my physical and social sense of gender separately using a dot and a circle on a scale of 5 female to 0 to 5 male. This scale works for me because it matches my personal gender identity but if you listened to season 2 episode 1 you heard me talk about various different ways to represent nonbinary identities. If it doesn’t work for you, use a different scale or create your own. Send me an email or leave a comment below with what you come up with. I’d love to see it!

I plotted my gender daily for a month and a half using markers such as where and how much I was feeling dysphoria, what was triggering it, what made me feel better, and just generally how I felt gender-wise.

It showed some very useful patterns:

Exactly how much my gender fluctuates
When dysphoria or a sudden fluctuation in gender related to my mood
How my menstrual cycle affected my gender (not a surprise)

Maybe some of these same patterns will show up for you or maybe you’ll find your own. I do highly recommend at least tracking mood, energy level, social engagements or other aspects that may influence or be influenced by your gender during this period so the information in the tracker is as useful to you as possible.

You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox

The first part of this book that I found really useful was the questionnaire about how comfortable I am with various aspects of my identity, body, and presentation as they relate to my gender. It gave me a good starting point and some objective information. I was able to repeat the questionnaire half-way through my process and then again once I had achieved a lot more comfort and self-awareness.

Other exercises from the book included one where it forced me to write down my fears, one where it helped me come up with a self-care strategy to use for more difficult exploration tasks, and how to design practical gender exploration experiments related to changing my presentation. All of these exercises were really useful and I came back to them multiple times throughout my gender exploration process.

Self-care Toolkit

One of the other things in the book that I will talk about separately is a self-care toolkit. Dara recommends having a small box or pencil case that you can take with you on a daily basis. I left mine at work where I struggle with gender the most. Inside the box are things that are affirming, bring you comfort, and things that provide sensory stimulation for distraction or grounding.

Mine included things like precious stones I could carry around in my pocket, a subtle scent I could dab on my wrist, strong tasting gum, and talismans that reminded me of the support I have in my life.

Other things you can include are slips of paper with affirmations, music playlists, reminders of self-care activities you can do, or names of supportive people written on them, or small pictures of supportive people or yourself when you felt the most euphoric.

Journal

I found it really useful to get my thoughts and feelings out in a stream of consciousness style with no judgement. I had a weekly check in with myself for a little while, and then that switched to monthly once I was doing better. I used this to review how I was doing and what I might need to do differently or if I was ready to try the next thing on my list.

6 MONTHS LATER…

After about 6 months of this exploration process I had figured out quite a lot about my gender.

How much my gender fluctuates
How much social and physical dysphoria I have and what specifically triggers each of them
What situations and presentations make me feel the best – euphoric and seen

Remember that exercise from Dara’s book about putting fears into words? One of the biggest ones I had was that exploring my gender would put more of a focus on the dysphoria that I had and would make me more uncomfortable rather than more comfortable. For the most part I had either proven my fears false or at least balanced it out. I have a lot better self-awareness to recognize when dysphoria is what’s making me uncomfortable and burnt out, I have much better management strategies, I can communicate how I’m feeling to supportive people in my life and seek them out, and I have much better support networks either through groups or online, or even just my partner and co-workers.

OTHER WAYS TO EXPLORE YOUR GENDER

There are lots of different ways to explore your gender so if none of the ones I have mentioned so far work for you, I’m going to go through a list of some of the others.

The most common is practical experimentation which I will talk about more in episode 3 on gender presentation and expression.

Another way is you can use vicarious experiences via books, podcasts, social media (especially YouTube), descriptions of labels and definitions, or talking to people in your community who have similar identities to what you’re curious about for yourself.

You can use the process of elimination by defining for sure what you are NOT and steering in a different direction.

You can use objective guidance such as filling in a gender tracker, following steps in a book like You and Your Gender Identity, or talking to a therapist that specializes in gender identity

Or you can test out a particular identity by writing about yourself in the third person using a different name and/or different pronouns. Especially if you have an experience that made you really uncomfortable based on gender, maybe try rewriting it using a different description of yourself, different name and pronouns to see if that makes the experience feel any better for yourself. Try rewriting it a few different ways.

You can also test out your identity by joining an online chat group using a different name and pronouns, especially if you can find a gender affirming one where you can use different pronouns or a different name at different times. Or ask a group of 2 or more friends that you trust to use a different name or pronoun for you and with whom you can present however you feel comfortable.

There are even apps you can use (or there’s always the standard photoshop) where you can see what your face would look like if you had facial hair or none, had make up of various styles, or had shorter or longer hair.

WRAP UP

Exploring a nonbinary identity can feel a bit like deciding to step off the path in the middle of the woods with no map, compass, or destination in mind just as it starts to get dark.

Don’t be intimidated!

There are lots of gradual, safe, and private ways to explore your gender identity that don’t involve the sensation of jumping off a cliff. If you need someone to talk to as a sounding board, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I am not a therapist (and I highly recommend you find a gender competent one if you can and have the means) but I have done a lot of this myself, have talked to a lot of people, and would love to help if I can. Also reach out to queer support groups in your are or online.

You are not alone.

That’s it for Episode 2 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Check out the links below for related blog posts and past podcast episodes. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender presentation and expression. Or in other words, what can I change about how I look and how will that affect how people perceive me?

RELATED POSTS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E1: Nonbinary Identities and Labels

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INTRO

Welcome to Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person. My husband Jake is a trans man. We have been together since before either of us began exploring our gender identities. I co-hosted Season 1 with Jake where we discussed our experiences through the gender transition process. Season 2 will be radio host monologue style and is all about life as a nonbinary person.

To start off Season 2, I will be talking about nonbinary identities and labels. We talk about this in Season 1: Episode 1: Language and Labels but this time I’ll focus specifically on non-binary identities and labels.

WHERE MY GENDER STORY BEGAN

I’m going to start off with my personal story so you know where I’m coming from and how I arrived at my current sense of my own identity.

When I was in Grade ten I had a few months of switching back and forth between feeling like I was Meaghan and feeling like a boy named Ray. I didn’t know how to put that into words at the time. All I knew was that some days when I woke up I was comfortable in my more feminine clothes and being called Meaghan and some days when I woke up and went to school I felt very uncomfortable in my feminine clothes and I had to wear my baggier clothes and I would randomly respond to the name Ray of this boy in my year who had a locker down the hall from me.

I couldn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it, I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I just kind of lived through it. I would switch back and forth every few days, maybe have a week or a little bit more as Meaghan and then switch back to Ray for a few days. It got very uncomfortable.

This was around January to March of Grade 10. So around March break when our family went up to cottage I found a quiet space by myself with a notebook. I wrote out a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Meaghan and a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Ray. I drew lines between the ones that were the same which showed where they overlapped and decided that was who I was going to be from then on. In essence I found a way to make them work together.

YEARS LATER…

From then on I ignored it and lived my life as a slightly masculine presenting woman. At least until my husband Jake started transitioning. This exposed me to new labels and a community of trans people and nonbinary people, reminded me of that experience I had had back in Grade ten that I had completely forgotten about, and gave me space to think about my gender in a way that was positive and that it would be possible to live as my whole self and not just where the two parts overlapped.

Initially during his transition I was mostly in the support role so I didn’t feel like I had the energy or space to explore my self but a few years into his transition once everything had stabilized, I did have the energy and that space. Around the same time, with my husband presenting more masculine and being identified as a man in public by strangers, they would put me in the ‘female’ box and treat me more femininely than they had when we were identified as a lesbian couple. This got very uncomfortable and was one of the other reasons why I needed to explore my identity in terms of gender.

The first thing I did was track my gender on a scale and discovered I fluctuate from about 50% female to 25% male, around the middle. Six months into the self-discovery process I had more clearly defined what my triggers are for various types of dysphoria and developed strategies to manage it as best I could. I learned that social dysphoria is significantly harder to manage than physical dysphoria and for me, social dysphoria is actually the one I have more of. I had lots of fears most of which did not come true or were balanced out by benefits of knowing myself better and having better management strategies for dysphoria.

GENDER SPECTRUMS

During my self-discovery process I mostly thought of gender along a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle which, because of the nature of my own identity, works for me. But single line spectrums such as those shown on the original Genderbread Person graphic are problematic for a number of reasons.

The first one is that there is no zero option or absence of whatever is on the spectrum which alienates or doesn’t allow space for many nonbinary and other queer identities. Another reason that it is problematic is that it is still binary focused, this or that or somewhere in between but not something different. It also frames nonbinary experiences using binary terminology and concepts which limits our understanding of ourselves and our ability to explain our identities to others in ways that feel authentic and don’t just relate back to cis experiences.

So I’ve learned that the better option is breaking the spectrum apart to have zero at one end of the scale to gender (male, female, or third gender) at the other end of the scale and have each on their own scales as shown in the Gender Unicorn graphic. This allows for identities that are an absence of that thing such as agender, demi- identities such as demi-boy or demi-girl, and multi-identities such as bigender. It gives more variety, more nuance, it’s more descriptive, more inclusive, and ends up being more accurate to an individual’s experience.

Another way to conceptualize nonbinary identities is on a 2D x-y axis graph (as seen in this post). The X axis 0-6 female and the Y axis 0-6 male. Nonbinary genders can fall anywhere in this square. They can be stable (represented by a dot) or fluctuating (represented by a shaded or circled area). However, this does not allow for third genders and is still framed by the binary and therefore may not work for everyone.

Some people think of gender as an amorphous cloud of possible identities which is great if that works for you but, especially when explaining my gender to cis people, I find a little more structure is needed. I also found that when exploring my own gender, a little more structure was helpful, at least until I got a handle on where I fell on the spectrum and then I could expand a little on that.

LABELS

I view labels in general as communication tools, ways of expressing who you are and what your experiences might be to others. This relies on a mutual understanding of the label being used and can often lead to confusion if you don’t take the knowledge level or experiences of the person you are talking to into account.

I’ll explain what I mean by talking about the labels I use and why and how I use each one.

Genderqueer

This is the first label I used (before discovering the label nonbinary). It’s a positive term that states what I am rather than what I’m not. It’s vague and can encompass lots of different things. It has a lot of history and lots of people recognize it.

Nonbinary

I now use this more than genderqueer because it has become a lot more common, even in the cis world. I don’t like this term as much because it focuses on the binary and says I’m not that thing but doesn’t say what I am. My gender is both female and male which means I encompass the whole binary so saying I’m not binary feels a little awkward. But still works as a good catch-all.

Gender-neutral

This is more of a description term than a label. Still relates to the binary and is a good descriptor of how I feel, how I might express myself and how people might relate to me. Even if people haven’t heard the term before it’s pretty easy to understand.

Co-gender

This is the most accurate term for my gender identitiy, the most specific one, but also the one that the least number of people are familiar with so it’s the one I use the least. It means having two distinct gender identities that overlap or work together to balance each other out. This is exactly the description of my gender identity.

Other Nonbinary Labels

There are many many more than what I go over here so if none of these resonate with you or aren’t the one your nonbinary friend or loved one uses, definitely check out the Resources page for other lists.

Bi-gender: two distinct genders, often don’t overlap, often people switch back and forth spontaneously or depending on the situation they’re in.
Tri-gender: as with bi-gender but with three genders
Genderfluid: any gender that encompasses more than one spot on the spectrum, their gender shifts around on the spectrum a little bit or a lot and can shift slowly or suddenly.
Gender non-conforming: umbrella term that is easy to understand but again, states what you are not rather than what you are. Some people like the feel of rebelling inherent in this label and for them it works really well.
Gender expansive: gender identities that encompass a large range of gender at all times. May feel the most comfortable presenting with some aspects being hyper-masculine and some aspects being hyper-feminine at the same time.
Gender creative: often applied to kids who are not fitting what society expects of them based on their sex assigned at birth. Sounds very playful and works well for kids but if it works for you as an adult, feel free to use it!
Agender: a lack of gender, having no sense of gender, feeling neutral or null. There are lots of other terms that are similar so if this experience fits but the label agender doesn’t, look up some other similar labels.
Demi genders: genders that fall somewhere between agender and any of the other genders. For example demi-girl, demi-boy. I don’t personally like the use of girl and boy, it sounds very young, but if it works for you that’s great!
Third genders: many cultural groups have traditions that involved a third gender. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with these as I don’t belong to any of these groups but if you do and you have a connection to that culture this may be a good fit for you.
Nonbinary woman or nonbinary man: genders that are fairly close to one of the binary genders but still include a small component of something different.
Masculine/feminine-of-center: more related to presentation and experience than identity and used as a grouping term for people who would be ‘read’ in a similar way by strangers. Not necessarily a label in itself but can be a good descriptor to add to other labels.

Trans

The last label I want to talk about is Trans. Trans is an umbrella term that means that your gender identity does not match the gender you were assigned at birth. Nonbinary does fall under the trans umbrella and many nonbinary people consider themselves trans.

Personally, I am very careful about how I apply this term to myself. I find there is a general understanding of trans identities as based on a binary transition which can lead to confusion when using this label without medically or legally transitioning. I would appear as a woman to most people until I say no, I’m nonbinary. But if I start out with the label Trans, they might think I’m a trans woman, ie assigned male at birth and have transitioned, which is very different from my personal experience and could be confusing. However, when I am around people who understand the nuances of the trans community and this label, I have no problem including myself under that umbrella

Of course, personal experience with a label matters. Specifically for the label ‘trans’, most of my experience comes from my husband identifying as a trans man and our experiences with the binary transition process that he’s gone through. Since my experiences are quite different from his, I have a hard time feeling a personal connection with the label ‘trans’ other than through a community connection basis.

There’s a common experience throughout the trans community and especially in the nonbinary community of feeling ‘not trans enough’ to claim this label. This really sucks. I feels like you need to prove your transness or need to complete a certain milestone of transition, especially related to medical or legal changes. I mostly want to say that this experience sucks and is a very common experience and if you are having this struggle, I often share your struggle and you are not alone. You should feel free to claim whatever label feels right to you that is within your realm of cultural experience to claim.

WRAP-UP

That’s it for Episode 1 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender exploration. Or in other words, how you figure out what the hell your gender is when all you know is that it’s not female or male.

RELATED POSTS AND LINKS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Why Using AMAB and AFAB is Problematic

I have used AMAB (assigned male at birth) and AFAB (assigned female at birth) many times since I started this blog. But I recently heard an argument against using these terms that I think is worth sharing.

Though the terminology of ‘assigned at birth’ is better than ‘biological sex’ or simply ‘sex’, it doesn’t change the fact that these are still broad categories based on sex-at-birth characteristics. I often use these terms as a general reference to ‘people who grew up being read as female due to an estrogen-based puberty’ and ‘people who grew up being read as male due to a testosterone-based puberty’. But this still makes the assumption that someone’s sex assigned at birth will determine the type of puberty they have, the characteristics and functions of their body, how they are socialized, and how they are read by society. Boiling all of that down to someones’s sex assignment is limiting, unhelpfully broad, and extremely exclusionary to intersex people.

I am trying to replace my use of these terms with more specific references. Here are some examples.

People who were raised female/male
People who menstruate/don’t menstruate
People with uteruses and/or vaginas
People who produce sperm
People with penises
People who lactate
People with facial hair
People with dysphoria due to a rounded chest
People who are assumed to be female/male
People with a low voice (bass/baritone range)
People with a high voice (soprano range)
People who are trying to masculinize their appearance/presentation
People who are trying to feminize their appearance/presentation

In almost any instance where I would normally use the shorthand of AFAB or AMAB there is a better phrase that is more specific to the context that I am referring to and therefore the people who might share this experience. It may use more words to say it but it ends up being more inclusive, more specific, and much more easily understood by a wider range of people.

Using more descriptive phrases relates our gender to our experiences, not to our sex assignment at birth or the gender that society assigns to our body. You avoid the constant reminder that society got it wrong (and often continues to get it wrong). Many people who would be turned off by that reminder would have no problem engaging in discussion when they are referred to using one of the alternative phrases above.

These descriptive phrases are also more inclusive of nonbinary people who may not share all the same desires, types of dysphoria, and presentation preferences as binary trans folks. If referring to AMAB trans people with the assumption that they share the experience of attempting to feminize their appearance in various ways, this could be frustrating and exclusionary of intersex and nonbinary people.

So next time you go to use the acronym AMAB or AFAB, try replacing it with a more specific and descriptive phrase. I know I will. Since I started trying to do this, there haven’t been any instances where I felt like the acronyms worked better.

What is your experience with these acronyms? Do they rub you the wrong way or not bother you at all? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!

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Staying Positive

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard no matter what your experience is. You want it to be over but you’re nervous about the birthing process and having to care for the little being on the outside. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration, discomfort, and anxiety, especially when dysphoria is thrown into the mix. So I’ve been asking myself a couple questions to keep myself focused on the positive and excited for the future. The answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Here are a few of my responses.

What am I going to miss about being pregnant (that I want to be fully present for while it’s still happening)?

Feeling the baby move
Feeling baby hiccups
Having a strong, visceral, automatic bond with this being
Being able to keep the baby fed, clean, and protected with my body
The extra fuzz around my face and hair on my belly and chest
The tenting effect of a shirt stretched out over my belly that hides my chest
- Also my chest feeling smaller in comparison to my much larger belly

What am I looking forward to once I’m not pregnant (not related to the baby because who knows what that will be like, just for myself)?

Wearing my wedding ring
Sleeping in any position
Less pain, allowing me to walk without a cane or walker
- Especially going for walks in nature with my husband and dog
Wearing my favourite clothes, especially underwear
Wearing a binder (eventually)
No more heartburn!

The other way to stay positive that works well for me is having a few key phrases that help me stay engaged and motivated despite constantly feeling uncomfortable. Again, these are very individual. What is helpful to me may not be to someone else but here are a few of the ones I’ve been using.

I am nonbinary, therefore my body is nonbinary, therefore my experience of pregnancy, birthing, and parenting is a nonbinary experience.
Stay cool and hydrated.
Rest when you need to but don’t give up on getting things done. Try again later or find a different way to do it.
Give the pets lots of attention and enjoy their cuddles.
Take it one day, one week at a time.
Every move the baby makes, no matter how uncomfortable, heavy, or nauseating, is a sign that they’re doing well.
Your body is capable of amazing things. Listen to what it’s telling you and believe in the wisdom it holds.

I hope this focus on positivity, excitement, and empowerment helps you find ways to strengthen those emotions for yourself as well. Hang in there. The world is a crazy place whether there are big changes in your near future or not.

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Let’s Talk Gender Season 2 Coming Soon!

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Hey everyone,

I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person, and the host of Let’s Talk Gender.

Coming up in September 2020 is season 2!

This season will be another eight episodes, this time around the topic of nonbinary identities and experiences. If you listened to Season 1 you got to hear from my husband about his experiences with transitioning. This season will be more of a radio host monologue style with just me as the host.

Here’s a brief look at what this season will include:

Episode 1: Nonbinary identities and labels
Episode 2: Exploring your gender as a nonbinary person
Episode 3: Nonbinary gender presentation and expression
Episode 4: Navigating names, pronouns, and other language
Episode 5: Coming out as nonbinary
Episode 6: Complexities of nonbinary identities such as how they interact with sexual orientation and a deeper look at gender fluid identities
Episode 7: Living in the world as nonbinary including using bathrooms, going to the gym, and what passing means as a nonbinary person
Episode 8: Pregnancy and parenting as a nonbinary person

You can find the podcast on any itunes populated platform or stream it from this website. You will also find the show notes for each episode on this website and if you subscribe, new episodes and blog posts will be sent to your inbox so you don’t have to remember to keep checking back!

You can always get in touch with me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com or leave a comment on this website. I’d love to hear your thoughts, topic requests, or be a sounding board if I can.

I’m really looking forward to this season. I hope you are too.

Talk to you soon!

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

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Passing vs Presenting vs Assumed

PASSING

The concept of ‘passing’ is talked about often in the trans community. It refers to the ability to go about your life without being identified as trans. Passing as binary cis. It can come with a lot of judgement when someone ‘isn’t passing well enough’, even from within the community. But more importantly, not being able to ‘pass’ can be a big safety risk in a lot of areas. Because of this, many trans people are trying to pass as cis or live their life in ‘stealth’ mode. But many can’t for a variety of reasons, including having a nonbinary identity (see my post Passing as Nonbinary).

The idea of passing has been construed as trans people trying to hide, trying to be cis because that is the ideal, or trying to trick cis people into thinking they’re cis. I definitely don’t agree with the second two and if the first one is true, it would be because to not hide would be unsafe or make life significantly harder.

PRESENTING

For the majority of trans people, especially nonbinary people, passing is not necessarily a goal. We just want to live our lives, be who we are, and not get harassed for it. So the term ‘presenting’ seems more accurate. We choose to present masculine, feminine, androgynous, or a combination of these. Presenting implies that it is still our choice but it is a purposeful one, to be seen authentically rather than to hide. It has less comparison to cis ‘ideals’ and more options than the two binary ones.

ASSUMED

When we talk about passing we often refer to ‘passing privilege’ or the safety and ease that comes with being ‘read’ as a binary cis person. Swapping out ‘presenting’ for ‘passing’ doesn’t really work in this context. But using ‘passing’ implies that the trans person has control over this privilege when really it is society and the people around them that are providing or taking away that privilege, sometimes without warning (thus the safety risk). For this reason, I think the term ‘assumed’ is more accurate.

For the most part, people around me assume I am female because of my body, voice, name, and ID. They are ‘assuming’ I’m a cis female. I present fairly androgynous with short hair, masculine clothing, occasionally a binder on but usually a sports bra, no facial hair, an androgynous range voice, and a fairly small soft face. They are taking all these clues and categorizing me as either male or female. Most often, it’s female. Very occasionally, its male. It is never as nonbinary.

I am not trying to ‘pass’ as female. Nor am I trying to present as female. But I am most definitely ‘assumed female’. This does give me a certain amount of privilege but also adds significantly to my discomfort, mainly in the form of social dysphoria. So when we talk about this type of privilege, I think we should say ‘assumed privilege’ rather than ‘passing privilege’. I am not the one seeking out or achieving this type of privilege. It is being given to me (or not) in an uncomfortable way by those around me.

Really, if I could be ‘assumed nonbinary’, I would consider that to be a much bigger privilege and a sign that society was heading in the right direction.

CAVEAT

The terminology of ‘passing’ is also used in the context of ‘white-passing privilege’. As a white person, it is not my place to speak to whether the shift to ‘assumed’ instead of ‘passing’ also applies in this context. Please leave a comment if you are BIPOC and can speak to this as a possible paradigm shift!

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Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology

NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN

Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman.

I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. Some push back against it and some embrace it. I also know that pregnancy, birthing, and breastfeeding have been seen as traditional components of womanhood and there is a lot of push back against people who don’t identify as women claiming these experiences. There is also push back against people who identify as women not wanting to have these experiences and shame/stigma experienced by women who would like to have these experiences but are unable to for whatever reason.

I can’t fight against all these types of social marginalization, discrimination, and stigma in one post. I personally don’t see any of those judgments or identity based limitations as necessary, meaningful, or helpful. Everyone should be allowed to experience whatever aspects of childbearing, child caring, and child rearing they want and if they are unable to we should support them with community rather than shaming them. Regardless, I wanted to share my own personal experiences with this and some recommendations that might help others in the future.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Being pregnant and preparing for a baby requires consuming a huge amount of information and resources, most of which is presented as female-centric. I constantly have to filter out the language in order to apply this information to myself which is exhausting.

It is often hard to tell why I am uncomfortable with the information I’m consuming. Is it because it is all new, different, and overwhelming as anyone preparing for their first child can attest? Is it because picturing myself in that scenario triggers dysphoria which may mean I will need/want to avoid that situation or have a dysphoria management strategy in place? Or is it because the information is presented using language that is triggering dysphoria as I read it?

This makes it extra difficult to know what aspects of birthing and baby care will be more or less difficult for me gender-wise and how to prepare without stressing myself out about things that will be completely fine in the moment.

In order to sort through these reactions, I have joined trans/nonbinary support groups so I can see if I am equally as uncomfortable, anxious, or dyphoric when discussing the same topics with people who share my experiences and use affirming language. I also talk to my therapist and will have appointments scheduled for postpartum as well (highly recommend this for anyone able to access this service). Lastly, I have found The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin to be an invaluable source of balanced information presented almost entirely using gender neutral language.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND RESOURCES

Below is a table of some of the terminology that I have come across and some gender neutral or inclusive alternatives. I hope this helps steer resources and practitioners in a more trans inclusive direction.

Traditional Language	Trans Inclusive Language
Pregnant women/woman	Pregnant people/person Gestating people/person
Mother, mom, mommy	Parent Gestational parent [Preferred parenting label]
Woman in labour	Person in labour Labouring person Birthing person
Father, dad, daddy	Parent, partner, co-parent Support person Non-gestational parent [Preferred parenting label]
Nursing	Lactating Feeding Bodyfeeding
Breastfeeding	Chestfeeding Breast/chestfeeding Bodyfeeding
Breast milk	Human milk Expressed milk

Please Note: I paired ‘Gestational parent’ with ‘Mother’ because traditionally, anyone gestating is labeled ‘Mother’ and resources that refer to the ‘Mother’ are often for gestating people in general. Some gestating people are men and will use the term ‘Father’ or other typically male parental term. Similarly, not all ‘Fathers’ are ‘Non-gestational parents’ – they might be the one who gestated the child! But traditional resources referring to the ‘Father’ often mean ‘Non-gestating parent’ or even just ‘Support person’.

The goal is to say what you mean. Do you mean ‘pregnant women’ specifically ie are you referring to a difference of experience between pregnant women and pregnant people of other gender identities? Or do you really mean ‘pregnant people’? Being inclusive isn’t difficult or mysterious. But it does require awareness of the breadth of identities and experiences and self awareness to say what you actually mean.

In addition to using trans-inclusive language, a basic understanding of what dysphoria is and how trans people who are pregnant, birthing, or postpartum may experience dysphoria is necessary for providing trans-inclusive care. Every trans person experiences dysphoria differently and will manage it differently. Knowing how to have those conversations with the gestating trans person in your life will make you a much better support person. As a support person, you are not responsible for identifying or managing their dysphoria for them. Simply knowing how to ask about it, being familiar with the language and experiences, will give them space to discuss it with someone who is showing care and support. Trust me, it makes a big difference.

If you are a birth worker (medically trained or not), here are some other resources that will help point you in the right direction:

Inclusive lactation style guide from International Lactation Consultant Association and why it matters
Gender Inclusive Language examples from Trans Care BC
Moss Froom: Trans & Queer Centered Doula & Childbirth Educator
Jenna Brown: Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth LLC
The Birth Partner, 5th Ed by Penny Simkin (also very good resource for gestating and birthing people and their supporters)

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The Power of a Non-Binary Perspective

THE WORLD IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

I listen to a lot of podcasts and recently I listened to two different ones that seemed to be in conversation with each other. The first was an episode of Gender Stories by Alex Iantaffi released on April 12, 2020 called A non-binary approach in the COVID-19 pandemic: a conversation with Meg-John Barker. The second was an episode of Thoughts on Thoughts by Kristjana Reid, Jessica Miller, and Taylor Thomas released on June 8, 2020 called The Power of the Word “And”: Holding Conflicting Emotions Together. Both of these episodes were talking about how limiting, and potentially damaging, a black and white, either/or perspective can be.

There are many times in our lives when we are either personally experiencing a complex situation (such as parenting a difficult child) or are surrounded by one (such as a global pandemic). Often, we feel like there should be a right and wrong way to react to the situation, certain actions that we should take and others to avoid, ways we should feel that would, by the very nature of those feelings, prevent other ways of feeling. But if the situation is complex, why can’t our reaction to it also be complex?

THE NON-BINARY PERSPECTIVE

Here’s where the non-binary part comes in. Non-binary experiences and identities directly counteract the gender binary. Gender cannot possibly be composed of two boxes, male and female, that are seen as opposites of each other, if there are people who experience both of these genders, neither of these genders, or a third and completely different gender.

The non-binary perspective allows for a variety of experiences beyond the most obvious two (black and white, right and wrong) that we are usually presented with. It encourages us to consider both options as acceptable, or neither, or a third different option, or various options depending on the circumstances. It also encourages us to allow others to choose a different option, have a different reaction, or experience a situation differently from ourselves without judging that as incorrect, wrong, or harmful.

Now, the caveat is that, as I said, this helps us navigate complex situations with a more nuanced or open-minded approach. Some situations are not complex. Some situations clearly have a right and wrong reaction. So use your own judgement as to when this applies and when, perhaps, a stronger, more defined stance is required.

EXAMPLE 1: COVID-19 PANDEMIC

Here are a couple examples that came up in the podcast episodes (rephrased in my own words). The COVID-19 global pandemic has lead to many countries, local governments, and individuals reacting differently but very strongly based on very little information. It has lead to a lot of blaming and shaming, anxiety and isolation, but also creativity and ingenuity. This is one of those situations where, maybe, different reactions are acceptable depending on the situation at the time, in that place, or for that individual.

There are a lot of black-and-white seeming questions. Should we wear a mask or not? If we’re wearing masks, do we still need to stay 6 feet apart or not? Should we be disinfecting everything that comes into our houses or not? The scientific answers have been slow to keep up with the social necessity of answering these questions so everyone has had to decide for themselves what is best.

The non-binary perspective allows space for a variety of responses to these questions without shame, blame, or guilt. It allows for the freedom to change your response depending on the situation or what information you have.

Note: if you are looking for a source of scientific answers to these and other questions related to the COVID-19 pandemic, I recommend the podcast Science Vs from Gimlet. It is scientifically founded with a citation list for each episode and entertaining to listen to.

EXAMPLE 2: CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

The second example that stuck with me was dealing with conflicting emotions experienced during the postpartum period or with the death of a loved one. As I am into the third trimester of pregnancy at the time of writing this and my grandmother recently passed, I found these examples particularly relevant. I actually wrote a post along these lines about my experiences during pregnancy before I heard this podcast episode (Grief and Gratitude).

When we experience conflicting emotions we often put the word ‘but’ between them. ‘I love my baby but I’m so exhausted I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone but I’m glad she’s now at peace’. In the podcast episode of Thoughts on Thoughts, they talk about how the word but diminishes or negates everything that came before it. It suggests that we have to choose between those two experiences, that we can’t possibly experience them simultaneously or in equal amounts, and the one that we say after the but is taking precedence.

Instead, they suggest trying to use the word ‘and’. ‘I love my baby and I’m so exhausted that I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone and I’m glad she’s now at peace’. How does the change in these phrases sound to you? For me, this re-framing was powerful. It suggests that we are allowed to feel both of the emotions equally. It now sounds like the second part that before was negating the first, is now resulting from it, that they are tied together, intrinsically linked. This, for me, is a much more truthful presentation of how conflicting emotions feel.

So, next time you are expressing conflicting emotions, try to listen for that word ‘but’ and change it to ‘and’. Just like gender isn’t either/or, male or female, neither are emotions. You can be experiencing both at once, or even more than two, without any of them negating or diminishing the others.

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