Tag: Mental Health

The Coming Out Equation

Coming out is not a one time thing. The closet metaphor may be accurate for how it feels with each instance but it is not a good metaphor for the lifelong process and constant decisions.

Coming out is a matter of degrees. You can be completely open about your identity or experience or just hint at one part of it. You can also be out to a different extent to different people.

Deciding how ‘out’ to be can be a complicated process. How ‘out’ is it safe to be in this situation? How much energy do you have for the questions that will follow? Is it worth the risk? How much benefit will all the effort give you?

The way I see it, it is a matter of need and benefit on the ‘pro’ side vs cost and risk on the ‘con’ side. For me, this equation usually tips to the con side at the moment. But I’ve been working on being more aware of the balance and, when it does tip to the pro side, taking the opportunity to come out to more people.

PROS

Need

Because my gender shifts between male and female so I am comfortable being seen as female about 30% of the time. When I am uncomfortable it is a moderate discomfort so my need to come out is at a low to moderate level at the moment.

Benefit

The benefit of coming out is always hard to determine accurately. It is hard to predict the future. Some things that can help is seeing out people respond to hypothetical conversations or how they respond to a mutual friend or family member coming out before you do.

As a nonbinary person, the benefit of people accepting me for who I am 100% of the time would be just as strong as for any binary trans person but the likelihood of that happening is significantly less. This is simply due to the lack of awareness and the reliance on the binary for so many aspects of western society (see my posts on passing as non-binary and how to explain your fluid gender identity for more discussion on this). So, while the benefit would be huge, I would generally rate it as low likelihood of receiving that benefit.

CONS

Cost

I think of the cost of coming out as an emotional cost. How much effort will it take to get people to understand and eventually lead to the benefits? For similar reasons to the benefit being low, the cost of coming out for me is generally high. I am often the first nonbinary person they have met so I have to start at gender 101 for them to understand why it’s important what I’m saying and why it’s important that they make an effort to use they/them pronouns.

The other thing to take into account in terms of emotional cost is how it feels to be misgendered after coming out to someone vs before. When someone is unaware of my identity, being misgendered feels uncomfortable. When I have come out to someone and still get misgendered it feels terrible. Given the high likelihood of being misgendered as a nonbinary person, this also contributes to the cost being high.

Risk

I think of the risk of coming out as the physical or safety risk. I am lucky to live in an area where being visibly queer does not inherently put me at high safety risk. I would not likely lose my job, my family support, housing, or access to medical care. So the risk of coming out for me is low.

FTM VS NONBINARY

The stage at which this coming out equation is most relevant is the time between when you come out to yourself and the time when you are fully out to everyone in your life (or as out as you ever want to be). I call this stage ‘limbo’. My husband’s limbo stage lasted about about 9 months. Mine has so far been going for about a year and a half with no end in sight.

So what makes such a huge difference? On the pro side, his need was much higher than my own. He was not at all comfortable being identified as female and it only got worse the longer it went on. His benefit was high but had much higher likelihood of paying off. On the con side, his cost was still pretty high but not as high as mine as it is generally easier for people to understand identities that fall within the binary. And, since he has a similar situation to me, his risk was fairly low. So his equation balanced in the ‘come out’ direction much faster than mine has.

SHIFTING THE EQUATION

So what shifts my equation to create those situations where it is worth it for me to come out?

The biggest one is the cost going down. If I am talking to someone who is queer or someone with previous trans knowledge, I have to do a lot less educating. In this situation the likelihood of experiencing the benefits also goes up.

The other time I am likely to come out is when my need is significantly higher (usually as a result of a triggering situation or bad dysphoria).

I will often try opening up about other ‘difficult’ topics to see what kind of response/support I get from someone as a way of testing the waters. If their interaction with me changes for the worse, my likelihood of coming out to them as nonbinary goes down significantly. So don’t take less important seeming conversations any less lightly.

Maybe some day, when the general population is more knowledgeable about nonbinary identities or if my gender shifts more consistently in the male direction, I will come out publicly. Until then, I will be paying attention to this equation situation by situation, person by person and take it one decision at a time.

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

  1. The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
  2. The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
  3. Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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November 20: Trans Day of Remembrance

Trans Day of Remembrance is held on November 20th every year. It is a day to remember all the people locally, nationally, and internationally who have been killed by transphobic violence in the past year. The vast majority of people killed are trans women of colour. Memorial services are held where the names are read off and a moment of silence is observed for each.

Trans Day of Remembrance is a hard day for me even though I have not personally known anyone who has been murdered due to transphobic violence. I am extremely lucky to live in a place that is not represented on the table below. No murders of trans people were reported in my city, province, or country in the last year. It is hard because it still happens in many places around the world and may very well have occurred closer to home but have gone unreported. The majority of my fears for my husband during his transition, and for myself, stem from this type of violence.

My heart is heavy on November 20th and a few days before and after. I have attended a memorial service in the past but it is too hard for me to do that these days. I try to spend some time with trans people or good, aware allies on November 20th. And especially, I try to spend time with my husband.

I have lots of community on social media but, while it’s nice to see that other people have similar feelings around this day, the support from a distance that social media provides doesn’t help ease the heaviness or fear. For that I would need support in person.

Most people in my life do not know that Trans Day of Remembrance is observed and don’t understand why it is necessary. If I mention it in an effort to explain why I’m having a difficult week I often have to go into an explanation of why it is important and why it affects me so strongly. By that point I have expended the minimal energy I had, made myself feel more vulnerable than I already did, and brought all the fear and sadness to the forefront.

While it is important to me to spread the word and educate people on the very real danger that trans people face, this does not help me get the support that would be helpful. I am lucky that I had one person at work who, when I walked in on Nov 20th, gave her a hug and said ‘November 20th is always a hard day’, understood immediately and offered to spend lunch together. That was huge.

To anyone who considers themself a trans ally: make note of November 20th on your calendar. Read about Trans Day of Remembrance. Attend a memorial service in your area. If you have someone in your life who is trans or is closely connected to a trans person, give them a hug and express your support, protection, and love on that day or the days around it. The huge impact of these small acts cannot be overstated.

Please take a look at the summary table below.

Oct 2018 to Sept 2019 Summary of Murders of Trans and Gender Diverse People Internationally (331)Download

Here are a few links to other articles and websites.

https://transrespect.org/en/tmm-update-trans-day-of-remembrance-2019/
http://www.westcoastleaf.org/2019/11/20/trans-day-of-remembrance-2019/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/11/20/transgender-day-remembrance-muhlaysia-booker-cathalina-christina-james-equality/4005866002/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/transgender-day-remembrance-least-22-trans-people-killed-2019-n1086521

https://tdor.tgeu.org/

Getting Through the Dark Months

Growing up I never really noticed mood effects from the winter. The shortest days were still at least 10 hours of sunlight. Then I moved north and now the days get shorter much earlier and the shortest days are only 7 hours of sunlight. It’s amazing what those extra 3 hours can do.

In the last few years I’ve noticed my mood, motivation, and energy level dropping around mid October. By November, if I haven’t consciously started working to counteract these effects, I am starting struggle at work and lose interest in the projects and goals that I set for myself.

The first year I noticed this was the year after Jake started transitioning. He was doing better, the family had come around, and I was burnt out from the ongoing stress and emotionally charged conversations that I had with family, coworkers, or friends almost daily. So when fall started getting darker, I had a very steep downhill slide.

In the years since, I have gotten better and better at dealing with this time of year. Here are some of my strategies:

GENERAL

  • Get as much sunlight as possible. I know, easier said than done but this means sitting next to a window during breaks at work, opening the blinds during the day if I’m home, or going for walks at lunch.
  • Use a full spectrum light.
  • Take Vitamin D.
  • Keep up with your house chores. Having a clean environment will support all the other strategies.

MOOD AND RESILIENCE

  • Get lots of sleep. Or, if you’re the type of person that can’t get themselves to stop sleeping during this time of year, keep a regular sleep routine.
  • Listen to music.
  • Quality social time. For me this is hanging out with a friend or a small group over coffee, a meal, or board games.
    • As an introvert, this one has taken me the longest to figure out. I have to make sure it’s not in a really crowded or noisy environment and that I don’t do this too many days in a row but staying at home alone in the evening or all day on the weekend for more than one day starts to have a negative effect that is much stronger during the dark months.
  • Stay connected with support groups or therapy if needed. Diversify your support so that you have many different times and places you can get support throughout the month.
    • I have a number of different groups I am involved in or helped create that run as specific times each month. It works out that I have two things on the first and third weeks, two things on the second week, and one thing on the fourth week of each month. This gives me a variety of types of support I can engage with so that I can always look forward to something that is less than a week away. It also means that if I don’t feel up to it, I can skip one of these groups without losing the one source or support I get each month.

MOTIVATION

  • Break up large projects into even smaller goals than usual.
  • Get rewards for goals that are achieved.
  • Focus on one project at a time. Pick which one will be the focus on a particular day and stick with that. By the end of a week, I’ll have worked on each project at least once.
  • Listen to podcasts that relate to your projects.
  • Work on your projects around other people (if possible). For me this means taking my laptop and writing at a cafe or taking my current crafting project over to a family member or friend’s house to visit while I work on it.

ENERGY LEVEL

  • Exercise!! My body goes into hibernation mode when it’s cold out and I want to curl up in a ball with a cup of something warm and watch TV. But the more I let that happen, the lower my energy level is and the less I feel like I can get through my day and get everything done that I want to do.
    • I look at the week in three chunks: I have to exercise once on Monday or Tuesday, once on Wednesday or Thursday, and twice between Friday and Sunday. This is way easier and more likely to work for me than saying I need to exercise 4 times this week.

This is a pretty exhaustive list of what I am currently doing. I use a bullet journal to keep myself organized and objectively track my progress on projects, my mood, and my habits such as sleep, exercise, and social time. Having an objective tracking system is particularly important for me during these months when the default setting feels like it is hopelessness, despair, loneliness, irritability, and negativity.

I hope this helps you stay positive, productive, and light over the next few months. We are all in this together. Please leave a comment with your own strategies! I’d love to hear what helps you – maybe it will work for me too!

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Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice

Finding a balance between being a good support for the trans person in your life and your own mental health is extremely difficult. When do you follow their lead and put your own reservations and grief aside and when do you ask them to slow down to give you time to process the changes?

The most important thing to take into account is safety – both psychological and physical. In general, the trans person will experience the highest risk in both these areas. They may withdraw as a result – whether the risk to their safety is actual or perceived. But if they are maintaining a relationship with you and you are able to be a source of support, you also have to be aware of your own safety and the toll that being that support takes on you.

So if the trans person in your life wants to take the next step in transition (coming out, changing legal documents, taking hormones or blockers, surgery, etc) and you don’t feel ready, think about the risk to both yourself and them.

  • Will asking them to wait put them at higher risk either physically or psychologically or make them pull away from you?
    • Eg: They are ready to come out to the rest of the family but you aren’t sure how to have those conversations with everyone. They may avoid family gatherings as a result and you won’t get any better at having those conversations without practice.
    • Eg: They are out to everyone and want to start taking hormones but you are scared of what the changes will be.
  • Would you be asking them to wait for a specific length of time or ‘until you feel ready’?
    • If there is a specific reason or time frame, this might be acceptable as long as you explain your reasoning to the trans person in your life and they agree.
  • Are you actively working on learning about, processing, and grieving the changes that are happening by talking to your own supports (friends and therapist)?
    • If not, you have no right to ask the trans person to wait until you are ready.
    • If you are, but feel you still need more time, try to be as open and honest about why and what you think that extra time will provide you.
  • Is there a compromise that would minimize the risk to their safety but also allow you to continue processing at your own pace?
    • Eg: The trans person asking you to take all the pre-transition photos down makes you feel like they are robbing you of those memories. Instead of packing them away in a box, put them up in a room where the trans person won’t typically see them or make a photo album of them that you can flip though whenever you need to.
    • Eg: Starting your trans child on hormone blockers to delay puberty rather than withholding medical intervention until they are older because you don’t feel ready.

Every situation that feels hard for you to adapt to will be different in terms of how much risk each option poses to the trans person and yourself and whether there is an appropriate compromise. Finding a solution that protects and supports them while allowing you as much space as you can get takes lots of open communication. If the trans person in your life is not communicating with you, all you can do is talk to other trans people, get their opinions or suggestions and make your best guess. Support them whenever they do communicate with you and take care of yourself in other ways (talking to others, keeping pictures for yourself, keeping a journal, etc.)

If there is no option that reduces the risk for both of you you may need to step away for your safety or theirs and that’s okay. Try to be honest with the trans person in your life so they understand where you are coming from. If possible, help them connect with other resources that can provide some of the support that you can no longer offer.

Some vague thing in the future that may or may not be difficult for you is not a good reason to hold someone else back when they are struggling. In this case, you are letting fear stop you from being a good support. We can only process and grieve things that have already happened. And you may find that you don’t actually need to grieve as much as you anticipate. You may discover lots of things that you can celebrate that you didn’t know would happen.

Before change happens, all we have is fear. After it happens, we can see how much happier the person is, how much more confident, and that helps offset the pain and grief. It makes it worth the struggle. So try to find a way to be a good support that allows you to continue to participate in the process and be present. If you ignore your own process and grief, you will not be able to continue to be a good support for very long.

What parts of the transition process did you have the most difficulty processing and accepting? How did you communicate this to the trans person in your life? Did you find a compromise that worked for both of you? Leave me a comment below. Your experiences might help someone else in a similar situation.

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Talking About Your Gender Identity: When, Why, and How

Talking about your gender identity can be hard, draining, scary, and even jeopardize your safety. But it can also be hugely rewarding, allowing you to be open, honest, more comfortable, find the support you need, as well as educate others.

So how do you decide if it’s worth having those conversations? How do you know when the right time is? And how do you actually start the conversation or respond to a probing question?

The first and most important factor is safety. What risk is there to your safety, stability, and well-being, either physical, emotional, or financial, if the other person’s response is poor? Have you taken steps to protect yourself, provide alternatives, or ensure time to heal afterwards if their support is withdrawn or they become a threat? Are there other people around who might overhear that you would prefer not to tell?

You will always have fear with big conversations. We all do, no matter what the difficult topic is. But when you no longer want fear to stop you, that doesn’t mean you should simply ignore it and forge ahead. Fear is there for a reason and listening to it and taking steps to mitigate the risks as much as possible before opening that door is always a good idea. You will never feel 100% safe or be free of fear so at some point you have to decide you have taken as many steps to protect yourself as you can and press on.

The next thing that you might want to think about is your expectations for having the conversation. What do you want the result to be? What toll will it take on you? Is the outcome worth the cost? Do you expect an immediate response or are you planning to provide information for the other person/people to think about before responding? Knowing what you want the outcome to be and combining that with a realistic view of what is likely, given what you know about the people you are talking to, will help you steer the conversation in the direction you want and know when to back out.

The emotional cost of these conversations will be highest when you are talking to someone who is close to you and has high emotional impact or someone who has control over an area of your life where a negative response could have disastrous consequences. Something that might help you weather the hardest conversations is practicing with less intense versions. Tell friends or more distant family members first. This will give you a chance to find the right words, respond to questions and reactions, and learn how much of a toll it takes on you.

You can support yourself emotionally in a few different ways:

  • Make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in your own skin at the time of the conversation.
    • The more confidence you have the better so do whatever it takes to feel your best.
  • Have a friend or support system on standby to spend time with or be in touch with after the conversation.
    • Having the opportunity to debrief with someone you trust can help you process the outcome and implications of the conversation.
  • Build in some self-care time in the 24 hours after the conversation.
    • Journaling, creating, exercising, being in nature, doing something you enjoy can all help you regain a sense of balance and get back in touch with the core of who you are if you feel overwhelmed or thrown off kilter by the conversation.

These conversations are never easy. You can have them face to face right from the start or break the ice with an email or letter before following up face to face. You can figure out exactly who you are and what you want to say before talking to anyone or you can start having difficult conversations while you are still figuring things out (just be sure to be clear that it is an ongoing process and things might change). You can set a specific time with the person to talk about ‘something important’ or you can play it by ear and bring it up if there’s an easy segue. Leaving it to chance means the conversation has a high likelihood of not happening so if you’ve built yourself up to it and feel as prepared as you can be, setting a specific time or coming right out with it might be a better option.

If the topic comes up and presents you with a useful opening, always take a moment to consciously decide if you do want to talk about anything personal. How much do you want to disclose? Who is around? Is it a safe environment? Do you have the emotional reserve for this conversation right now? Will you have the opportunity to recover later? Would you decide to tell this person even if the opportunity didn’t present itself?

Because the conversations are so hard to initiate, we can sometimes feel like if the opportunity presents itself we should take it. But you should never feel pressured to disclose anything about your gender identity, even if the pressure is as mild as a good segue.

I promise these conversations get easier with time and practice. They are never without some risk and some cost to you but don’t let that stop you! I believe in you. I know you can do it.

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Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

  • Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
  • Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
  • Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
  • Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
  • Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
  • Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
  • Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
  • Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

  • Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
  • Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
  • Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
  • Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
  • Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
  • Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
  • Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
  • Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Lost and Found in Transition

LOST IN TRANSITION

With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming.

As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy.

  • Straightforward medical care
  • Access
  • Fertility
  • Familiarity
  • Safety
  • Security
  • Global travel
  • Friends
  • Family
  • Relationships
  • Relatability

Not everything you lose is negative. Some things that you lose are harder to recognize but should be celebrated.

  • Confusion
  • Pain
  • Boxes
  • Tension
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Walls
  • Ignorance

Grief allows you to make room for new and meaningful things. Change is growth. Processing what you have lost allows you to recognize what you have found.

FOUND IN TRANSITION

With any change comes many new things. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest.

Some changes you want. Some you just have to deal with.

Some are sudden and turn you upside down. Some you see coming forever. Some you only see in hindsight.

Some happen slowly whether you want them to or not. Some happen fast and force you to adapt.

  • Puberty 2.0
  • Body shape
  • Medications
  • Scars
  • Euphoria
  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Support
  • Deeper understanding
  • Pride
  • New identity
  • Openness

Big changes bring lots of new things. These are the building blocks of who you are and who you will be. Understand, accept, and celebrate the new things big and small.

This is the first zine I have created! Hope you like it. Find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters to see a video of what the zine looks like in full!

As always, please leave a comment below to tell me what you think!

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The Egocentricity of Dysphoria

Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming.

Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but this doesn’t give them the validation they need and can result in more obsessing.

Dysphoria can make it difficult to communicate their identity, needs, and wishes to others in a way that will be understood. It is so all-consuming that it makes it difficult to step out of their current experience and see things from another person’s perspective. So they end up using language that other people don’t understand or skipping over basic concepts that others haven’t grasped yet. This leads to more confusion and frustration and leaves them with even less energy and motivation to try to communicate the next time.

Because of the level of obsession on new areas of their body and new behaviours, it can seem like there has been a big change in their personality with the onset of dysphoria. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just that the dysphoria is taking up all the person’s attention and focus and they aren’t able to express the parts of themself that you are used to seeing or engage in the activities they used to enjoy with as much ease.

The dysphoria induced self-obsession can come across as lack of caring for others or a lack of awareness of others. This is something that should be communicated in a caring and understanding way that acknowledges the impact of dysphoria but looks for ways to help the person cope by focusing their attention outside their body and strengthening supportive relationships.

The onset of dysphoria can seem sudden to those around them. They have been obsessing about it internally for a long time and have a lot of internal pressure built up. Coming out gives them permission to talk about dysphoria and the obsessions that it causes for the first time. This can seem like a sudden onset of dysphoria and a sudden shift to being egocentric to the people around them.

Sometimes, people have a tendency to refer everything back to dysphoria or use dysphoria as an excuse – ‘if you only knew how it felt you wouldn’t say that’ or ‘oh I can’t do that because the dysphoria is so bad’. Dysphoria can be so all-consuming that it can be hard to tell when something else might actually be at fault – burnout from work, relationship stress, financial stress, fatigue from not enough sleep, changes in meds, having a cold, etc. Sometimes it takes an outside view from a supportive person that is close to them to help them differentiate what is dysphoria and what is something else that should be addressed differently.

You might have difficulty getting along with someone who experiences dysphoria because they may be more emotionally volatile or have unknown or shifting triggers. They may have a lack of interest in things they used to enjoy including things you used to do together because of the new focus on ‘solving’ the dysphoria. Try to be understanding and supportive but take care of your own needs and emotional well being too.

TIPS FOR DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

  • Use self talk to combat the skewed perspective that the hyper awareness creates.
  • Find activities to do that don’t trigger dysphoria that will help you get out of your head.
  • Remember that people who do not experience dysphoria will not remember that you do or understand how much it can effect you. Try to be understanding of their ignorance and explain gently. Getting angry with them when they do not automatically realize when you are feeling dysphoric will not help to keep your relationship with them as a source of support.
  • Make sure to express your appreciation and caring for the supportive people around you.
  • Find a therapist. Your support people cannot support you and be your therapist. They will get burned out and no longer be able to support you appropriately.
  • Find concrete ways to manage your dysphoria that require the least amount of time and effort so that you have more time to spend with those you care about.
  • If your dysphoria shifts, try tracking it to give you a better idea of what causes the shifts and help you predict when it will happen.

TIPS FOR SUPPORTING DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

  • Build a list of words, activities, and situations that trigger the trans person’s dysphoria so you are more likely to understand when they react negatively at those times.
  • Understand that getting the dysphoric person to explain their dysphoria to you, especially at times when they are dysphoric, will be hard and often makes their dysphoria worse. Look for other resources to learn what dysphoria can feel like and how to recognize it.
  • Help the trans person focus on something external that is less likely to trigger dysphoria or encourage them to engage in their self-care activities. They won’t always remember to use self-care strategies at times when they need them the most so external reminders can help.
  • Find sources of support for yourself other than the dysphoric person – a therapist, friends that might understand, community groups and support such as PFLaG, or online resources.

Living with dysphoria is an ongoing struggle and is different for everyone. Talk to each other, be as open and honest as you can, and find the support you need.

What is your experience of dysphoria or supporting someone with dysphoria? What other tips do you have that I should add to the list?

Let me know in the comments below!

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