Labels – Page 2 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Different Ways to Explore Your Gender

The period of time between wondering if you might not be cis and figuring out what your gender actually is can be confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating. There are many different ways to explore your gender. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. You might use all of these strategies at different times or only a couple of them. I hope this helps you find the most authentic and comfortable version of yourself.

Practical Experimentation

Try out a different presentation with clothing
Cut or grow your hair or try a wig
Use makeup or an app to try out facial hair (Snapchat, shaving apps)
Try a binder, packer, bra padding, or tucking
See what strategies decrease your gender dysphoria
See what strategies increase your gender euphoria
E.g.: the first time I wore a binder and saw myself in the mirror with a flat chest I knew that was how I was supposed to look.

Vicarious Experiences

Talk to other people with similar questions and identities
Listen to podcasts about gender (see my Resources page for a list)
Explore other people’s experiences on social media to see what resonates with you
Look at lists of labels and how different people define them to see if any of those definitions sound like your experience of your gender (if more than one feels right, that’s fine too! Labels aren’t boxes, they’re descriptors)

Process of Elimination

Determine what you for sure are NOT
Pay attention to what words, interactions, articles of clothing, or experiences make you feel less like yourself and head in the opposite direction
E.g.: I know I am not a girl but I’m not sure if I am a boy or agender.

Objective Guidance

Follow a guide for exploring your gender such as ‘You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery’ by Dara Hoffman-Fox or ‘How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker
Track your sense of your gender on a scale that makes sense to you (5 female to 0 to 5 male, 0 can represent neutral or no gender)
List things that you have tried and how strongly they felt right or wrong to you to see if there is a pattern (maybe things that feel good all relate to a specific direction on the spectrum or maybe they are from all different points in the spectrum and you should be looking at gender-expansive identities)
Talk to a therapist who specializes in gender identity (highly recommended regardless of which other strategies you try if you are able to access one)

Try it Out

Sometimes it is very difficult to see how something will feel until you hear yourself referred to in that way
Find a group of two or more close friends or family that you trust and test out different pronouns, a different name, or different identity labels (if it is only one other person they likely won’t be using your name or pronouns since we only do that when we refer to someone in third person)
Pick an event that happened to you on a specific day and write it out like you are a character in a story using the name and pronouns that you want to test out
Join an online chat group that is gender positive and use the name and pronouns you want to test out
Try it out in private, then with close friends or family, out anonymously in public, at a larger queer group or random event, and eventually in everyday life
E.g.: I had been using they/them pronouns as a default because I knew that she/her and he/him felt equally wrong but when my friend started using xe/xir for me so I could try it out I had finally found something that felt right.

What strategies have you used? What strategies did you find the most helpful? Where certain strategies more useful at different points in your gender exploration? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Note: the examples I used in this post are not my own experiences but are experiences I have heard other people describe.

Why Labels Matter

I have often heard complaints about why people (usually queer people) feel the need to label themselves, or why there are so many different labels, or how labels are so restrictive, and how its unnecessary to put yourself in a box. Usually, the people making these statements are cisgendered and straight. They have never struggled with having to figure out a part of their identity, find a way to explain it to others, and find a way to connect with a community.

Labels help me understand myself. For me, this is the most important reason that labels exist. Labels and their definitions provide me with language to say ‘yes, that is how I feel’ or ‘no, that is not how I feel’. Without this language, I might have a vague sense that my experience of the world is not the same as the people around be but be unable to figure out why, how, and what to do about it.

Sometimes, labels are the only thing we have control over. Sometimes, this sense of knowing who we are is all we have. There are times when it is unsafe to come out or we don’t have access to a community. Or times when we don’t have access to gender affirming clothing, medications, or surgery. Labels are the only way we can express our gender or identity and feel seen.

Labels are a communication tool to help others understand my identity. I know that not everyone will have the same definition or understanding of a label as I do so I try to use a label they are most likely to understand or have a conversation about what that label means for me. Without labels and their definitions I would only ever be defined by what people assumed my identity to be. When a large part of who I am and how I navigate the world is invisible, being able to communicate my identity to others is very important.

Labels are words that represent abstract concepts, not concrete ones. Everyone will have a slightly different understanding and experience of a given label. For me, this is part of the magic of labels and what makes them interesting and valuable. But some people use their own understanding of a label to define others. This is when labels can become damaging or restrictive.

Each label I use is a facet of who I am that all fit together to form the whole of my person and identity. Labels should not be boxes. You cannot define what something is no by stating what it is. For example, if I define the word trunk as the solid, central stem of a tree, that does not mean that the word trunk cannot mean anything else, or that a tree is solely made up of a trunk.

Labels should be seen as fluctuating and fluid, not fixed. Labels represent part of our identity. Identity, by the very nature of being a human, is fluid over time. Identity changes as we change. Expecting labels to be fixed is equivalent to saying that identities are fixed, that they won’t change over time as we change and as society changes around us.

Labels should not be performative or restrictive. Just because you identify with a label does not mean you should be expected to present or act a certain way as a result. However, society is not very good at following this. So it is completely acceptable to keep a label to yourself or alter your presentation to fit a label in order to keep yourself safe or access care that you need. I just hope that you do not lose parts of who you are in the process.

Labels allow you to connect with other people who share similar experiences and identities. I can understand how people who have never felt like they don’t fit in mainstream culture would not understand the need to use labels to define yourself and your experience of the world in order to find community. I just wish everyone could allow each other to use labels, or not, as they wish, and approach labels that are new to them with curiosity rather than skepticism.

What is your experience with labels? Do you find them useful or restrictive? Have you had experiences where you were treated differently as a result of a label you used? Tell me about it in the comments!

Queer Wedding Ideas

When Jake and I got married, we both identified as women (this was pre gender exploration for both of us). We made some adjustments to the ceremony so it didn’t feel so heternonormative. Since then, I have participated in, and seen pictures and descriptions of, many different gay, queer, and gender non-conforming (GNC) weddings. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve collected:

Switch Sides. If there is a more masculine presenting person and a more feminine presenting person, stand on the opposite side from the norm of man on the right and woman on the left (from the audience perspective).
Who Enters First. Typically, the man starts the ceremony at the front or walks in first. So instead, have the more feminine person walk in first or have both of you walk in at the same time up parallel aisles instead of having one central aisle.
Wear Whatever You Want! Don’t feel confined to one person wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit. Either person can wear whatever they want! Similarly, don’t confine your wedding party to a suit for the men and a dress for the women. Either allow them to choose or offer a midway option of a blouse and suit pants or a skirt with a shirt, vest, and tie.
Mixed Wedding Parties. Don’t limit yourself to female assigned/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘bride’ and male assign/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘groom’. Pick the people that are most important in your life to stand with you regardless of gender or presentation. That’s why they’re there, isn’t it?
Colours! Base your colour theme off a queer flag that has meaning to both of you. Include rainbows, or trans colours, or purple and green (as we did, kind of by accident). You can also use rainbows or meaningful colour combinations as highlights such as having a rainbow rose in the table centers.
Include Your Community. Community is hugely important for queer people and often serves as a chosen family. Include your community in your special day with a ring warming, readings from different people either during the ceremony or at the reception, or a modified sand ceremony where everyone adds a pinch of sand on the way in and those jars are mixed together by the couple. There are so many options! You can pick one that someone else created or make your own!
Location and Ceremony. If you and your partner are religious, you can absolutely have a queer wedding in your place of worship. But many queer people have had difficult experiences with organized religion and may feel uncomfortable within these spaces and with the religious basis of the ceremony. So consider choosing an outdoor location or a non-religious location that is meaningful to you. Likewise, there are some aspects of the ceremony that are required to be legally binding but some are optional. Definitely talk to your officiant about ways to make the ceremony personal and, of course, queer.
Language. Weddings are full of heteronormative and binary language. Be open about what language each of you is comfortable with and make sure that your officiant and wedding parties are on board. Consider having a wedding website that includes an explanation of the terminology you will be using. This is also an easy way to specify pronouns and names of people in the wedding party or important family members.
Identity Pins or Stickers. Have pronoun pins/stickers available for people to wear as a lapel pin if they wish. Weddings bring together family and friends, many of whom will never have met and may come from very different social backgrounds. This can be a way for the queer people participating in or attending the wedding to feel more comfortable.

That’s it for now! If you had a queer wedding or have attended a queer wedding, what strategies did you use? Leave them in the comments below and I will add them to the list!

6 Months of Self-Discovery

What I Knew at the Beginning

I have both male and female gender
I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity

Fears I Had

My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.

Goals of Self Discovery

Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
Find ways to communicate my identity to others.

6 MONTHS LATER…

What I Know Now

I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).

Did My Fears Come True?

Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.

Did I Achieve My Goals?

Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.

Still Working On…

Coming out to people slowly, including my family
Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to

Looking Ahead

Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
Being a non-binary parent

What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!

Why I Don’t Identify As Trans

Trans

The root word trans typically means across or change. As a queer identity it has two main meanings. The binary version is that a trans person identifies with the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth (still the way society interprets the label). The gender spectrum version is that they do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (this is the definition that I use). None of these definitions really fit me as I still do identify with the gender I was assigned at birth but I also identify with other parts of the gender spectrum at the same time.

experience with a label is important

My experience with the trans label is primarily through my husband’s transition from female to male. This involved a change of name both socially and legally, a change of gender pronouns and legal gender marker, and various components of a medical transition. None of this applies to me or what my personal acceptance and exploration path looks like (at least not yet).

Trans is not the same as ‘not cis’

For me, Trans is a specific identity that covers many different types of experiences but not necessarily all identities that are not cis. Many people use it as an umbrella term to cover any identity that is not cis-gendered (their gender matches what they were assigned at birth). Technically I would fall under that umbrella term. But that is not how I define trans. I don’t see ‘trans’ and ‘cis’ as opposites. Someone else with an identity similar to mine is totally free to use the label trans if it suits them.

Presentation

Even though my presentation is often fairly masculine, I am socially read as female. If I used the label trans I would either be read as a pre-T trans guy or a trans woman (which is a label that is generally used by AMAB people who identify as female), neither of which applies to me and really just confuses the situation.

Me

My gender is both the same as what I was assigned at birth and includes a component that is different from what I was assigned at birth. My husband’s experience is very different from mine and I strongly associate the label ‘trans’ with his experience. Many people who are not cis have a feeling of being ‘not trans enough’ to earn the label or to ‘qualify’ to use the label trans. I too have to fight against the feeling of not being legitimate in my gender experience but since I do not have an affinity with the label ‘trans’ I can’t express it using the phrase ‘not trans enough’. I have found other labels I prefer which you can read about here.

What is your definition and experience of the label Trans? Is it a label you identify with? Have you struggled with other people assuming your identity is something other than what it is as a result of using the label Trans? If you don’t associate with the label Trans, what other labels do you use instead? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!

If your partner just told you they are trans or wondering if they are trans it means they trusted you enough and value your place in their life to share this huge part of themselves with you. If you are not sure what to do next, how to be supportive, or what this means for you you’ve come to the right place. I hope this post will help answer some of those questions.

new relationship

Someone you’re dating who you are interested in and want to pursue a relationship with just told you they are trans.

They’re trans and ‘post’ transitioning

Ask them about their experience of being trans (if they are willing to share).

Do they use that label? Are they ‘out’ as trans?
When did they start to transition? How long have they been living authentically?
Do they have people who are supportive in their life? Are there people who have not been supportive?

Be honest about your level of knowledge and ask if they have any resources or things they feel you should look up.

Even if they say no, GO LOOK THINGS UP (which you likely are already doing if you have found this page so good for you! Keep going!). Learn some terminology, learn the basics of what dysphoria is and what the transition process entails for their area of the world.
Be honest about your level of comfort and confusion and that you will try not to do anything to offend them or make them uncomfortable and that if you do you want them to tell you right away so you can learn.
- Sometimes giving someone feedback like this face to face is difficult which results in not getting the feedback you need to be aware of your actions and improve. Offer alternatives – they can write you emails or notes.
- When is a good time for this type of feedback? It is much easier for people to offer intensely personal feedback if you ask for it directly. Once a week (or whatever time frame works for you), check in with them and ask for feedback.

Offensive questions/statements to avoid:

DO NOT blatantly ask about their genitals or if they have had ‘the surgery’ yet.
DO NOT say ‘wow! I’d never have known if you didn’t tell me!’ or ‘Wow you look really good for a [insert gender here],
DO NOT ask what their ‘real’ name is, or what their name used to be.

The fact that they told you means they feel strongly enough about the relationship that they wanted you to know and that they trusted you enough to tell you something that could potentially put them in an unsafe situation. This reflects well on how you have acted up to this point. Don’t mess it up with an ignorant if well-meaning response.

They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date. Don’t make everything suddenly be about their trans identity.

They’re trans and ‘pre’/in the middle of transitioning

Ask them how they would like you to refer to them (pronouns and name) and try your best to respect that. It may change as they go through their transition so be open to that. If you mess it up say ‘sorry’, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a huge deal of it but don’t gloss over it either. If they would like you to use a different name/pronoun than they use in the rest of their life clarify when they would like you to use which set – will it change depending of where you are and who you are with? It is a good policy to have this check in each time you are entering a new environment/meeting new people.

Ask if they’re comfortable talking about it and if they’re willing to explain more about what they’re going through. Keep in mind that they may not want to if you’re out in public but might be ok with this in a more private setting. Or they may not want to right now but they might be able to in the future. This is not usually a reflection on you or how much they like you or how much they feel they can trust you. It is more likely related to whether they have found the words to express the confusion they feel inside.

Ask if they have any resources you should look at that will help you understand their identity or experience (see above).

Be open about your level of knowledge, confusion, and willingness to learn (see above).

Acknowledge that you might do or say something that offends them or makes them uncomfortable but that you don’t mean to and that you want them to tell you right away so you can learn (see above).

Long term relationship

Your partner may have known for a long time and have been trying to suppress it, blend in, hide it from you but they can’t any longer. They may have been presenting very much in line with their gender assigned at birth to you and to the world so this can seem like a huge change.

Or, your partner may have been presenting as closely as possible to their true identity and when they reveal to you that they’re thinking of transitioning it may seem like it makes sense and won’t be much different or it might still seem like a surprise.

You may have feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, fear, regret, even disgust. Society teaches us that trans people are abnormal and many of your initial reactions may be a result of this conditioning. Do not beat yourself up for these reactions but try your best to figure out which emotions are specific to you and your situation and which ones are a result of your preconceptions and stereotypes from society.

Try to find some private space and time where you can talk to your partner for as long as you need to understand how they feel and what they want to do. Understanding who they see themselves as and who they want the world to see will help you get a better idea of how you might feel going forward.

Express your own feelings, both negative and positive, and decide whether you need some space apart to work things through or more conversations together to learn more about how/if things will work between you.

Make a list of the aspects of your lives this will affect – your relationship, children, business ventures, family relations, etc. Being able to categorize where the stress is and who is best suited to deal with it will help avoid situations where you are both frustrated and stressed and you don’t know why or what to do about it and end up taking it out on each other.

If these conversations continually break down, consider finding a therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help guide you through this process. You can see the therapist as a couple, by yourself, or recommend your partner see them. Support groups can also be very useful. We found a PFLaG group in our area and have been going as often as we can for over 2 years now. It is wonderful to be in a space where everyone understands what you’re going through without having to explain it in great detail first. It helps normalize the experience and can help you find the support you need.

If you’re up for it, suggest a trial period of them presenting how they feel comfortable. This can be an evening at home, or a weekend away somewhere. It can be done in stages with them slowly changing their appearance one piece at a time to give you time to adjust or all at once. However you decide to do it, I suggest you discuss it together first and make a plan so that no one is surprised or put on the spot.

At this point you likely have an idea of whether or not you are comfortable maintaining your relationship with them or not. This can look many different ways. Some examples are:

Yes! This makes so much more sense and I’m here to support them 100%!
Yes, I think I’ll be ok with this but it’s going to take some time and I’ll have to take it slowly.
No, I no longer see myself in a relationship with them but I’m all for supporting them as a friend.
No, I definitely am not ok with this and I don’t want to have any part in their transition.

All these reactions are valid no matter what other people will tell you. Your experience and your life is your own. Make sure your reaction is true for you and not a reflection of what others will think or what society has taught you. You have the right to change your mind at any time. If you think you might be ok with it but at some point realize the relationship is no longer working, be honest with yourself and your partner.

Moving Forward

Communication is key!! If your partner is not willing to sit down and have open conversations with you about who they are and listen to how you feel you may need to find a more formal venue for these conversations (ie couple’s therapy with a trans positive therapist).

Honesty with yourself and your partner is also key!! Be honest about how you feel and when you don’t know what you feel. Find ways to explore different scenarios with your partner to help each of you figure out how you feel. Your partner will be going through a lot of intense emotional things and you may not feel like you want to put all your doubts and confusion and frustration on them as well. Ask them if they are ok with you talking to one close friend about what you’re going through. For me, this was someone who lived somewhere else in the country which meant very low risk to my husband. It might help if it is someone who is somewhat familiar with the queer community, especially if you are not.

If you are happy staying with your partner, their transition will change how society views your sexuality (see my post about this here). I know, this makes no sense because you haven’t changed as a person, but it will happen anyway. Your sexual orientation and the labels you use can change if you feel like it has but it doesn’t have to. You are likely still attracted to the same types of people you were before your partner transitioned. Your partner may still fit within the label you use or you can see your attraction to your partner as an exception. Either way, it will help to find labels that work for you so you have a way to come out to people without outing your partner as trans (for those that didn’t know you beforehand).

I hope this helped. This is the type of information that would have been useful for me to have during my husband’s questioning phase and into the beginning of his transition. Giving support to other partners of trans people is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

How did you react when your partner told you they were trans? How has this affected you as you process this information? What types of support have you found? What is the outcome for you and your partner? Leave a comment below and tell me your story.

Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture

What gap?

People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, experiences, or knowledge.

For the most part, mainstream culture sees gender as a binary, sees heterosexuality as ‘the norm’ or ‘the expected’, and understands basic labels such as gay and lesbian, occasionally bisexual, even less often, trans. There is rarely an understanding of gender as a spectrum, of how to respectfully describe a trans person, or the variety of labels for and experiences of sexual orientations.

why is there a gap?

Mainstream culture has mainly been exposed to queer experiences through media, as with most minorities. What is shown in media is usually controlled by the mainstream. So how can we expect mainstream culture to have an accurate or even partial understanding of queer/trans experiences? This is slowly changing as media outlets like Youtube allow minorities a way to speak for themselves (when the algorithm isn’t busy censoring them), as more celebrities and professional athletes come out and speak up in support of the queer/trans community, and as more queer/trans characters are included in media.

acknowledging and accepting the gap

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people builds a strong supportive environment but it can lead to an assumption that the rest of the world has similar views. If queer people are aware of this gap of understanding it is often easier to ignore the ignorance around them on a day to day basis than constantly feel threatened or misunderstood. But ignoring it leads to queer people using language that others are not familiar with or referring to common experiences that others find strange. This causes miscommunication, confusion, frustration, and ‘othering’ – a focus on the differences between people, how ‘different’ and ‘strange’ queer people are.

If you say something that a co-worker or acquaintance doesn’t understand such as using a label that is less common or making reference to an aspect of transitioning and your co-worker responds with confusion, try not to take it personally or make them feel stupid. Try to treat this as a flag of truce, an indication where the gap is. This lack of understanding can be frustrating but to narrow the gap we have to communicate using terms that everyone understands, not ignore the ignorance or get defensive and angry when someone demonstrates ignorance. Acknowledge that you have different experiences, different levels of exposure to this sub-culture, and use the opportunity to educate someone new (if you have the energy) or pointing them in the direction of resources. I am not always the best at this but I am working on it. Sometimes it still takes me by surprise when things that seem obvious to me are beyond common knowledge.

when does this gap become an issue?

Coming out (which can lead to being bullied, fired, or evicted)
Medical settings (which can lead to health concerns being missed, queer/trans people knowing more about their condition than the medical professional or avoiding medical care altogether)
When you need support and try to explain what you are struggling with to others and get a ‘that’s interesting’ response instead of ‘I understand and support you’

how to bridge the gap

Step 1: Identify the gap
- What is the knowledge level of the least aware person in the group?
- What do you want them to be able to understand?
Step 2: Connect the dots
- What are some key pieces of information that they need in order to understand your identity/information?
- Start with the basics – gender as a spectrum, the genderbread person, separation of sex, gender, orientation, and presentation
- Try to explain what it feels like in your shoes
  - How dysphoria feels (not specifically what about your body/situation causes dysphoria)
  - The confusion that you experienced before you had the language to understand your identity and communicate it to others
  - The fear of repercussions if you come out, the impact of having to stay in the closet
  - The impact of being misgendered, both prior to and after coming out
Step 3: Take away message
- Be super clear that the most important thing they can do is respect your name and pronouns (or whatever the most important aspect is for you)

tips and useful phrases

Tips:
- Have an exit plan. These types of conversations are intense and difficult. Have somewhere you can go afterwards to recover.
- Have a follow up plan. If they have further questions, where do they go, who can they talk to, who do they bring them up?
- Have back up. If the conversation/discussion doesn’t go well and turns into a bullying situation or you experience outright homophobia or transphobia, who can you go with those concerns?
- Written messages are easier for people to absorb but less personal. If you have a hard time finding the right words or are concerned that the situation may not be safe enough in person, try a written message instead. Keep in mind that an in-person conversation will likely be necessary at some point but at least they’ll have the basics and you can specify the terms of the personal conversation in the original message (ie one on one, boss present, at a specific meeting, etc).
Phrases:
- You don’t have to understand someone’s experience in order to respect them
- The most important thing you can do is respect someone’s name and pronouns
- If you get their pronouns wrong, correct yourself and move on. If someone else corrects you because you didn’t hear yourself make the mistake, apologize, correct yourself, and return to the topic at hand.

Have you experienced this gap in understanding? How did it affect you? What approach did you take to bridging or overcoming the gap? If you were on the receiving end of this type of conversation at some point, how did it feel for you? Were you able to absorb the information? Did you follow up with the person or look for further resources afterwards? Did it change your perspective or interaction with others? Leave a comment below to tell me your experience!

How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders

I’d like to explain a system for understanding non-binary genders that has really helped me make sense of myself and other gender non-conforming people. This system is only discussing gender which is a separate concept from sex. I treat gender as the internal sense of who someone is in relation to society’s views of the binary genders or the assigned gender based on their sex assigned at birth. I am also not talking about gender expression – how a person presents them-self to the world, only how they feel internally.

Typically in mainstream western society there are two accepted genders that match the two accepted sexes – male and female. This is what we consider to be the gender binary. So, when we are referring to anyone that doesn’t feel strictly male or strictly female, we can use the term non-binary or gender non-conforming. Not everyone will personally identify with these labels or use them for themselves but I will use them as a general category for the sake of this discussion.

So, rather than thinking of people as either male or female with no other options, I think of gender as a spectrum from male to female with ‘neutral’ at the middle. This allows for a sense of ‘femaleness’ or ‘maleness’ in any percentage that adds up to 100. But what if a person’s gender doesn’t feel part female and part male? What if they feels neither female nor male? Or fully female and fully male at the same time? These questions require a way to show ‘both’ and ‘neither’. I used to think of it as male to female on the x-axis with neutral in the middle and neither to both on the y-axis, crossing at the middle. When I tried to map some of the genders onto it I found it difficult or ambiguous. So I went searching for a better graphic and found this one:

It still has the ability to represent all the same things but with a lot less ambiguity or redundancy. I also like how it doesn’t represent male and female as opposite but on two completely separate axes.

There are infinite ways to represent gender on this chart. People with a static or consistent gender would place a dot at the spot where they sit. You can see some of them written on the chart – female, male, agender. Demi-boy would sit somewhere between agender and male, demi-girl between agender and female, gender neutral somewhere around the center of the chart.

People with a fluctuating sense of gender could outline or shade in the area that applies to them. Here is how I would represent myself at this point in my discovery process:

Genderqueer Spectrum — My Gender on the Spectrum

I have two stable components to my gender – one halfway between female and neutral and one halfway between male and neutral (represented by the dots). This is the core of my gender but my day to day experience of it is more like the second chart. When I combine two genders into one person one will be more dominant at a given time (represented by the outlined area).

Other examples:

Male to Demi-boy

Gender Spectrum demi-boy — Male to Demi-boy

Bigender with a stable female component and a fluctuating neutral to agender component

As you can see, gender can be infinitely complex and variable. Some of these genders could be represented in a few different ways. Some genders such as third genders may not fit anywhere on this diagram. But it helped me understand my own gender and maybe it will help you as well.

The best thing to do when meeting someone who identifies as non-binary is to use their preferred name and pronouns, and, if you have a more personal connection, ask them how they experience their gender. If you have never felt at odds with your own gender or how your gender is perceived by society you may not be able to viscerally understand how they feel but respecting their pronouns and giving them the opportunity to explain their identity to you in their own words goes a long way to earning their trust and showing your respect and support.

Did this change how you think about gender? Tell me what you think in the comments!

How would your gender look on this diagram? Draw your own representation and post it in the comments below with the labels you use or an explanation!

The Labels I Use And Why

Gay

I use this as a gender neutral term for homosexual. However, it is still a comparison of my gender to my partner’s and if society gets my gender wrong then they’re also going to assume I’m interested in people who do not match my partner (more on this here). This was a great label before I started questioning my gender and before my husband transitioned but has become somewhat problematic for society to understand since then.

Neutrosexual

This is a term I have made up (I think). It follows the same idea as androsexual (male-attracted) and gynesexual (female-attracted) which leave the person’s gender out of it and just specify who they’re attracted to. Neither of those work for me because I’m attracted to people who fall closer to the middle of the spectrum so I prefer neutrosexual. That way, if society still puts me in the female box, at least they’ll understand who I’m attracted to (once I explain the label).

Queer

A nice all-encompassing label. It can be misunderstood by older generations that weren’t part of the reclaiming process and also lacks the specificity I like from labels but has served me well. It can encompass sexuality and gender which is nice but I find that people assume it’s only referring to your sexuality until you specify. Thus:

Genderqueer

Fairly self-explanatory. All encompassing term similar to queer but specifying gender! Tends to represent people with a fluctuating sense of gender (which works for me) though doesn’t have to. Comes with its own flag of lavender, white, and green which also happened to be my wedding colours so I have strong positive associations with it (thus the name of the blog).

Gender neutral

This describes my day-to-day experience and expression of my gender the best. Though I do have both a male and female gender they balance out fairly evenly which lands me in the middle most of the time.

co-gender

This is the most accurate term for my gender but is a fairly obscure one. It describes someone who has two or more genders that exist in harmony with each other (such as co-existing or co-habiting). I have read descriptions of people’s experiences of being bi-gender or tri-gender where it feels like there is a gender war going on inside them all the time and they can fluctuate wildly day-to-day or even hour to hour. This does not match my experience at all so although ‘bi-gender’ technically describes me I prefer co-gender. Some people include this in their name for example Meaghan co Ray. Because of the ‘existing in harmony’ aspect it has a spiritual connotation which also matches my experience of my gender. For a long time the only label that I had heard that worked for me was Two-Spirit but as I am not Indigenous I cannot use that label publicly. Eventually I found co-gender which is a good substitute.

non-binary

I don’t mind using this term as an umbrella term to differentiate from binary experiences but as my sense of gender still falls on the binary spectrum I kind of feel like I am extra binary – both of the genders. I also generally avoid labels that describe the absence of something rather than identifying the presence or experience of something else. So non-binary doesn’t specifically resonate with me as a label but I’m fine with saying that I fall under that umbrella if that is the label that society ends up using for all gender non-conforming people.

So there you have it. At the most specific I am a co-gender neutrosexual (which sounds a bit bizarre) but I generally go by genderqueer and gay.

What are your labels? How did you find the labels that fit you? Are the labels that you use for yourself different from the ones you would communicate to others? Does society understand your labels or do people generally have a different definition than the one you use? Tell me your story in the comments below!