Tag: Gender

How I Respond When Strangers Gender My Child

MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY CHILD’S GENDER PRESENTATION

When we’re going out for a walk, to a park, or to a grocery store, I have to decide what my child is going to wear. When I choose my own clothes, it is often based on gender related factors – dysphoria and euphoria, how I want my gender to be viewed by others, safety – and of course, the weather. But my goal is to provide my child with a wide variety of gender related experiences. This includes styles and colours of clothing.

Sometimes I’ll pick a well coordinated cute outfit that looks cute because it all matches and not care about the gendered component. Sometimes I’ll specifically pick an outfit that is white and pink and purple and teal. Sometimes I’ll pick clothes that are red and black and navy blue. More often, I’ll pick a mix of things – a pink top with navy blue pants and red dinosaur socks. Or a blue and yellow striped top, jeans, and pink unicorn socks.

I try to pick clothes based on what I like and the experience I want to give my child. But I am also aware that the clothes my child is wearing is the main way strangers will determine my child’s gender. Other than their clothes and accessories (hair clips, bows, toys, lunchbox, backpack, etc) children appear fairly gender neutral. I have fun using my child’s clothing to test and/or mess with strangers’ perceptions of my child’s gender (or really, since they haven’t developed a gender identity yet, their sex).

THE DREADED QUESTION

Some strangers are bold enough to ask if my child is a boy or a girl. I know this is often coming from a place of wanting to be respectful during our interaction and use the correct pronouns.

I hate this question.

As a nonbinary person, I find it frustrating, othering, and triggering. It often makes me freeze. I am stuck between the place of wanting to educate/counteract the stranger’s binary assumptions, honour our experiences as a gender creative family, and avoid conflict by providing an easy answer.

I would love to say “It doesn’t matter. Any pronouns are fine.” Of the many times I have been posed this question, I have only been able to make myself use this answer a couple times. Most often, I cave and say the gender that matches my child’s sex assigned at birth. I hate that my child hears me assign them a gender in answer to this question. This factor will become more important to me as my child gets older and may help me stick with my preferred, open ended answer.

But what if they don’t ask? What if they assume? That’s where it gets interesting.

WHEN STRANGERS ASSIGN MY CHILD A GENDER

Because of how I dress my child, and possibly because they have thick curly/wavy light brown/blonde hair, strangers choose to refer to my child as a girl or a boy in approximately equal amounts. I find this fascinating.

What’s even more interesting is that the gender they choose to assign my child doesn’t always match the societal gender norms based on the clothes I chose that day. I’ve had people assume my child is a girl when they’re wearing black, blue, and red. Less often, but still once or twice, I’ve had strangers assume my child is a boy when they’re wearing white, pink, and purple with lace or ruffles.

In no way do I think that certain colours or clothing styles are ‘girl’ clothes or ‘boy’ clothes. In fact, my whole parenting strategy around clothes and gender is an attempt to teach my child that this is not the case. But I am very much aware that people use these as gender related signals.

So when strangers assign my child a gender, what does that say about my child, or my decisions around what they wear? Absolutely nothing. It is a reflection of the stranger’s biases, stereotypes, and assumptions. Some people heavily gender strangers based on their clothing. Some people gender strangers based on their hair style or facial features, or any other numerous factors.

The funny thing to me is that the majority of these ‘gendered’ signals aren’t present in babies and young children. Yet the majority of people still look for them and make an assumption based on the limited information the parents have given them via the child’s clothing, hairstyle, and accessories. The need to assign a gender is so strong that most people will try to do it despite having limited and even conflicting information. The alternative – to not know a child’s gender – is so far outside their awareness as being an option that their brain doesn’t even consider it as a fallback plan.

TO CORRECT THEM OR NOT, THAT IS THE QUESTION

When strangers gender my child using pronouns that are associated with their sex assigned at birth, I usually go with it. This is how our child is most often gendered at home and at daycare. We are trying to provide gendered experiences from a wide range regardless of their sex assignment but we have still chosen to use binary gendered pronouns for the most part. As stated above, I often dress my child in a variety of colours and styles of clothing so I usually find it interesting and wonder what about my child’s presentation lead them in that direction.

When strangers gender my child using the binary pronouns that are not typically associated with their sex assigned at birth, more thoughts go through my head. I still find it interesting and wonder what lead them to that assumption. Then I wonder ‘Should I correct them?’ If I do, this will challenge the stranger’s connections between my child’s presentation and their gender. But it will also model to my child that their gender is supposed to match their sex assigned at birth. This is a transphobic belief and not one I want to reinforce for my child. If I don’t correct them, the stranger gets to keep their assumptions around presentation and gender in tact (unfortunately) but my child gets a more gender expansive experience of getting to see how it feels being referred to using different pronouns.

So far, I err on the side of ‘go with the flow’, avoid conflict, and provide my child with a more interesting gender experience. After all, my child’s experience is more important than expanding a stranger’s mind. However, as soon as my child expresses awareness of their own gender and a preference for a particular set of pronouns and language, I will be happily correcting strangers whenever they get it wrong.

How do you respond when someone genders your child, correctly or incorrectly? What tthoughts go through your head when deciding how to respond?

RELATED POSTS

Receive new posts in your inbox so you don’t miss anything if you forget to check back! You can unsubscribe at any time so why not?

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Who’s Feeding the Baby and Other Influences on Parental Roles

Our parental roles have shifted a few times throughout our baby’s first ten months. In the first two weeks, I was exclusively feeding the baby from my body. As this was not a role that my husband could fulfill, he made considerable effort to take on as many of the other baby care and general household tasks as he could. That included diaper changes, baby baths, making meals, shopping, and getting the baby to sleep.

After two weeks, we had to switch to bottle feeding which meant that we now had equal ability to feed the baby. I still had the extra load of pumping multiple times a day so my husband would typically feed the baby while I was pumping. We would then share the rest of the baby care and household tasks more evenly.

Then my husband went back to work and I became the primary caregiver during the majority of the day. My husband always made (and continues to make) an effort to do as much of the morning and evening baby care as he can, allowing me to have some personal time, extra sleep, or complete household tasks.

To me, this sharing of baby care is normal and expected. In talking to friends who also have new babies, this isn’t the case for every family. I’m not sure why but I have noticed some patterns.

WHO’S FEEDING THE BABY?

The primary factor seems to be who is feeding the baby or whether the feeding duties can be shared.

The baby is exclusively fed by one parent

Historically, the birth parent was the sole nursing/feeding parent and also the primary caregiver for the rest of the baby’s needs. This view seems to still influence some people to lump all the baby care together and place it in the domain of the feeding parent. As it turns out, only the feeding is exclusive to the feeding parent. All the rest of the baby care can be done (and in my opinion should be done) by either/both parents.

In some families, like mine, we view each baby care activity separately – feeding, sleeping/bedtime, changing, bathing, playing, medical appointments, etc. In this scenario, if the feeding can only be done by one parent and is often a highly demanding and time consuming task, at least one if not more of the other tasks could be taken over by the other parent/another caregiver.

The baby can by fed by either parent/any caregiver

This seems to make it more likely that baby care duties will be shared. If the feeding duties can be shared, it makes it more obvious that the rest of the baby care can also be shared. The majority of the care may still fall to one person due to work or other responsibilities but even if this is the case, there is more room for negotiation.

The baby is partly fed exclusively by one parent and can partly be fed by either parent

Whether the exclusive feeding responsibilities are from nursing, body feeding, or pumping, in this scenario one parent takes some of the feeding duties and the rest can be shared with the other parent/caregivers.

Because some of the feeding can be shared, it follows that the other baby care can be shared, as with the previous scenario. I feel like this would make it more obvious to the non-lactating parent how much of the work falls exclusively to the lactating parent. Ideally, this would lead to the non-lactating parent helping out with shareable duties as much as possible.

CONDITIONING, COMMUNITY, AND GENDER ROLES

While the question of who is feeding the baby seems to be a strong factor, there are still the influences of conditioning, community, and gender roles.

Conditioning

How someone was raised and how much they feel a need to follow what feels like a traditional model of baby care can have a strong influence on whether the above feeding scenarios have any impact on their involvement. If someone grew up in a strongly feminist household with an expectation that everyone pitches in with cooking, cleaning, and general household chores, I feel like they would be more likely to prefer/expect to share baby care duties regardless of the feeding arrangement. If someone was raised in a strongly patriarchal, traditional household, they may have the opposite expectation. How rigid this conditioning was and how strongly they still adhere to it as an adult will determine if they are influenced by a shared feeding situation to share the rest of the baby care.

Community

Another influence is how their peers are raising their own kids. This will not only model what baby care is like but also be a guiding force to follow a similar path as they ask for guidance or compare situations.

Another aspect of community is what expectations their community members have expressed when it comes to parental involvement with the baby. There can be guilt and shame placed on someone who chooses to share feeding and baby care duties when they are expected by their community to be the parent exclusively responsible for feeding and caring for the baby. It seems like this negative judgement is less likely to be placed on a non-feeding parent who is choosing to have little involvement in baby care even when their community expects them to be more involved. However, community can be a strong influence, sometimes stronger than a partner’s voice. If a valued member of a community voices a concern, disappointment, or expectation that the non-feeding partner be more involved, it can have a supportive impact.

Gender Roles

How much someone feels the need to adhere to society’s gender roles or carve out a set of gender-based expectations for themself related to baby care would also impact how they share the work. For some people, regardless of gender, the sudden addition of parenting duties could feel threatening to their sense of who they are, how they present, and where they fit in society as related to gender. They may adapt and figure out how to integrate this new aspect of their life into their self concept. Or they may rebel and hold even tighter to the aspects of their familial role and lifestyle that previously contributed to their sense of their gender.

For others, the new role of being a parent and caring for a baby can serve as a replacement for a lost role while on parental leave. It can be a strong gender affirming role or be a substitute for the satisfaction and pride they get from their career or other endeavors that are put on hold. Sometimes it can be challenging if the new parenting role feels satisfying in terms of purpose but at odds with their gender role. This can occur for any parent/primary caregiver.

The person experiencing this sort of internal tension may not even know that gender plays a part in why they feel reluctant to engage in baby care or reluctant to allow their partner to assist with the baby care. If this is your experience or you suspect it may be your partner’s experience, I think it’s worth a conversation.

I hope some of this resonated with you and helped you understand yourself or your partner a bit better. Evidently, I advocate for sharing parental responsibilities as much as possible. This doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50. If one parent is off on parental leave while the other is working full time, it may be more like 80/20. But I don’t believe it should be 100/0. Even if you are a sole parent, I believe you need community support to help raise a child.

Let me know what your baby care situation is and what impact the feeding role, conditioning, community, or gender roles has had on you.

RELATED POSTS

Join my community! Receive new posts in your inbox so you don’t forget to check back. Easily reach out by replying.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Baby Clothes and Gender

Baby clothes are predominantly marketed as being for girls or boys. Even though the babies that wear them are too young to have any concept of gender. Even though clothing isn’t inherently gendered. The only reason for this is so that families that have a second child of a different sex than the first have to buy a whole new set of clothes.

Society has bought into this idea so strongly that a baby’s clothing is often used to indicate their ‘gender’.

This is not something I agree with. I don’t think clothing is inherently gendered. I don’t think we should restrict a child’s clothing based on their sex assigned at birth. And I don’t think clothing is an appropriate way to indicate gender. My goal as a parent is to provide my child with a wide range of clothes, toys, and experiences from all areas of the socially defined gender categories.

We got most of our clothing second hand in one big batch from one family. At the time, they were getting rid of 0-6 month old clothes that were predominantly pink and styled as ‘girl’s clothes’ and 6-12 month old clothes that were predominantly blue and styled as ‘boy’s clothes’. We were given a bunch of neutral and boy style newborn sized clothes so that expanded the range of clothing for the first little while. But since they outgrew the first sizes, we have been predominantly dressing them in ‘boys’ clothes (because that’s what we have).

This has gone against my gender-free/gender-full parenting wishes so I intentionally went shopping for clothes that would fit my baby that were pink and purple, or had flowers and butterflies, or were otherwise more on the ‘girl’ side of the clothing spectrum. I love seeing a variety of clothing in the drawer to choose from.

When I dress my baby to go out for a walk or visit with family, I am conscious of what clothing I put them in and what assumptions people will make or associations people will have as a result. Despite the fact that I don’t feel that clothing has a gender and I don’t think clothing should indicate gender, I’m also aware that the majority of people do hold these beliefs. This forces me to consider the ‘gender’ associated with the clothing I am choosing for my child. And then I find myself thinking of pink as girly and a blue football motif as boyish.

I’m constantly playing this tug of war with myself. I don’t want to think of clothing as gendered. I put my baby in whatever clothes I want the majority of the time. I mix and match and alternate but this gendered thinking still creeps in. I have to constantly remind myself to think of clothing as different styles, colours, and patterns, not different genders.

I also think about what clothes my baby was wearing the last time they visited with a particular person and try to pick something contrasting the next time. Again, I have to remind myself, not something of a different gender, something with a different colour, pattern, or style.

Because, ultimately, baby clothes are not only for the baby, but also for the adults they are interacting with. And by influencing the adults around my baby in subtle ways, I can hopefully maintain a more gender creative and inclusive environment with fewer overt and potentially confrontational conversations.

The internal struggle against gendered thinking is constant. But when I feel the binary veil lift and I can see my baby for who they are as a giggling, food-loving, good-sleeping, commando-crawling 8 month old, I feel more connected and at ease in my role as a parent.

RELATED POSTS

Receive new posts in your inbox!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Trans Wisdom: Our Bodies Don’t Define Us

YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR GENDER. YOU DO.

Trans people learn very quickly that their body and all the assumptions that go along with it don’t define their gender. Whether the body they were born into feels wrong or not, their identity is separate.

If this is true for trans people, it is also true for cis people. Maybe you feel at home in your body and the gender you were assigned at birth. But is your experience of your gender based on your genitals? Is it solely made up of your secondary sex characteristics? Or is it more than that? Do you have an innate sense of being the gender you are? What aspects of your personality, behaviours, and presentation are related to your gender?

Once you learn how to think of your gender as more than various parts of your body, you also learn that you can choose how to express your gender. Do you wear the clothes you wear because they align with your gender and make you feel good or because it’s what society expects you to wear? Have you ever tried wearing clothes or jewelry that you think will make you uncomfortable? You never know! You might discover something you like even better than your original presentation.

YOUR BODY DOESN’T DETERMINE YOUR WORTH.

It goes beyond gender. Our bodies also don’t determine our worth. Regardless of your body type, ability, size, colour, or sex, we are all worthy of love and care. Society may not treat us that way, but we have to treat ourselves that way.

Trans people learn this throughout the difficult journey to self-acceptance. As we learn who we are and take steps to communicate it to others, we are faced with uncertainty, confusion, anger, fear, and even violence which are really easy to internalize. If we take steps to change our bodies to align more with our sense of who we are, we learn that though the change may alleviate some dysphoria and make it more comfortable to go about our daily lives, it does not automatically result in an increased sense of self-worth. This is something we have to consciously work on at every stage of our journey (and throughout life).

YOUR ABILITY TO REPRODUCE DOESN’T DEFINE YOUR GENDER.

The reproductive organs you possess and whether or not you are able to reproduce has no bearing on your gender. It may be a component of yourself and your experience that you choose to include as part of your gender identity but this does not mean that is true for everyone with a similar experience.

Trans men and nonbinary people who have uteruses can get pregnant and successfully birth a baby. Cis women who have had hysterectomies are no less women. Trans women who produce sperm are no less women. Cis men who do not produce sperm are no less men.

Your gender (and your worth) is not defined by the ways in which you can or cannot reproduce.

SOCIETY’S PERCEPTIONS DON’T HAVE TO BE YOUR PERCEPTIONS.

Trans people are assigned a gender by almost everyone they encounter. Often, this assumption is either entirely or partially incorrect. Having a trans identity is also perceived as wrong, unheard of, a burden, or inappropriately fascinating. It takes work to unlearn these perceptions and hold onto our own self-concept, even when we feel like no one else around us sees us for who we are.

Are you judged by society in a particular way because of an aspect of your body or appearance? How society perceives you does not have to dictate how you perceive yourself. It’s often hard to identify which perceptions we have internalized and constant work to fight against that perception internally but it is worth it.

SURGERY IS PART OF A PROCESS, NOT AN END GOAL.

Many trans people undergo one or more surgeries in their effort to align their body with their identity. Often, when they are looking forward to the upcoming surgery, they have the perception that once they have the surgery, everything will be better. They fall into a mode of waiting for the surgery and build high expectations of the positive impact of the results.

No matter what the surgery is, it is always a difficult experience. There is pain and healing. There are often activity restrictions and limitations, sometimes for months afterwards. Sometimes there are complications. And regardless of the outcome, it does not automatically change their self worth or self confidence. If they are lucky, there is a decrease in dysphoria but often, over time, the dysphoria will shift to another area of their body, or they will become more aware of the dysphoria once the other source has been relieved.

Trans people learn the hard way that surgery is part of the process, not an end goal. Whether you are undergoing surgery for cancer treatment, weight loss, pain relief, or transition, it is never the only component of the process and often isn’t even the component that makes the biggest difference. If there is something going on in your life that is big enough to require surgery, it is definitely big enough to have emotional components and other milestones that come before and after surgery. Try to keep it all in perspective while you work towards or recover from surgery. Don’t leave ‘the rest’, whatever that is, until after surgery. Work on everything else while you wait for surgery. You’ll be glad you did.

What are your experiences around how your body does or does not inform your gender or other aspects of your identity? What societal perceptions have you worked hard to unlearn? Leave a comment below with your story!

RELATED POSTS

Receive new posts in your inbox!

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Childhood Influences on Parenting Experiences

Note: This is the first guest post on the blog! If you listened to Season 1 of Let’s Talk Gender, you’ll have heard Jake talk about his transition. Now you get the first blog post from him. Enjoy!

As trans people, we know that a person’s sex doesn’t dictate their gender and upholding societal expectations of gender would be hurtful to our child’s existence. The gender of the child is especially irrelevant in the early stages of parenting because babies are mostly blobs. As they grow we will help them explore the vast world of gender. Regardless of how our child chooses to present and identify in the future, we will love and support them.

And yet, when we were trying to get pregnant, the question of “are we hoping for a boy or a girl?” still came up. I was hoping slightly more for a boy. I thought that raising a girl and trying to build up her confidence against a misogynistic world would be harder than teaching a boy about privilege.

I was beyond thrilled when our 10 week blood test came back with no abnormal chromosomal conditions and that we would be having a boy. I felt that I could vicariously live through his “male” childhood since I didn’t get to have one myself.

This is not fair to him. It is his childhood, not mine. Even by virtue of who his parents are, his childhood will be completely different from mine. However, this reaction, and the subsequent un-learning, has lead to a lot of reflection.

HOW MY PARENTS GENDERED ME

My mother had me at 19, and whether it was a function of her age, because it was the 80’s, or because of who she is as a person, she let us do what we wanted. My sister and I played with what we wanted, where we wanted, and wore what we wanted. My mom’s easy-going approach was a big reason why it took so long for me to realize I was trans (but more on that in a different post).

My father, however, was 8 years older and grew up in a military house. He always said that he wanted to make his love apparent to us since he didn’t feel it much from his parents when he was growing up, but he was much more strict about what was expected from us, including enforcing societal views on how we should be acting as girls.

RAISING ‘BOYS’

My parents divorced and remarried and my dad had another child who is now 7 years old. My dad has mellowed with age and perhaps a marriage that is more his style, and mentions frequently that he regrets how he raised us, that he was too strict, and wishes he let us express more of who we were.

In watching my dad interact with his young son, I am amazed at how lenient he is with him. Maybe my dad has become more easy-going, as he says, or maybe he is more willing to let his son do what he wants because “boys will be boys.” My dad has mentioned that his son is “all boy” in the way he interacts – he is rough and boisterous and doesn’t like to follow instructions. He has also said he wants to take good care of his health because “it is clear to him that my son will need a strong male role model” in his life. These are not phrases I would be comfortable using in reference to my own child.

My dad frequently sends me texts about his son and his bodily discoveries, saying “Just wait til your son gets older”, and “boys!! oi-vey!!”. I know he sends these in an attempt to commiserate and create a bond that is strangely based on our child’s genitals, but it leaves me feeling dysphoric and unsatisfied with my childhood. Of course I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with a penis and experience all those discoveries. Of course I don’t know what it’s like to experience the freedom that’s granted to boys and not girls, and seems to be perpetuated by my dad.

But will I let this dissatisfaction make me overcompensate with my own child? Will I let the influences my parents had on me dictate how I raise my own child? Not if I can help it.

MOVING FORWARD

While I initially fell victim to the same “do I want a boy or a girl” thinking that seems to predominantly afflict cis and heteronormative parents-to-be, what’s important is how to move forward. I vow to do better by my child. I challenge my assumptions when I think of my child as a grown up. I remind myself to not restrict myself (or my child) simply based on what genitals he was born with.

While we have chosen to use he/him pronouns for our child, we don’t believe that this dictates his gender. We avoid all other gendered language (son, little man, good boy, etc). We put him in clothes that we like and that fit him, regardless of design or colour. And we will be allowing him to play with any toys, where he wants, and to wear what he wants. We will be asking open questions about gender and presentation and be honest with him about our own identities.

While I initially wanted a boy, I now truly understand that it wouldn’t matter. My baby is my baby and will grow up into whatever human being they want to be.

RELATED POSTS

Join our community! Receive new posts to your inbox so you don’t have to remember to check back.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

How Being Trans Prepared Us for Parenting a Newborn

On August 27, 2020, a new member of the family was born. Our little one has a full head of hair and is doing well, as are we. But parenting a newborn, especially your first child, is not easy. There are many fears, frustrations, and sleepless nights. Of course, there are also the successes, excitement, and pleasant surprises.

The first three months are said to be the hardest. The baby is the most dependent and only able to communicate via crying. Initially, they only go three hours between needing to eat which leads to very little time for anything beyond basic baby care – feed, change the diaper, rock them to sleep, then two hours later, repeat. Their digestive system is predominantly inactive when they are born and has a steep curve which causes lots of gas pains and therefore screaming. During these gassy periods there is almost nothing you can do as a parent to help beyond be a calming, reassuring presence.

Needless to say, the first three months, and most especially the first six weeks, are extremely difficult. I can’t imagine how single parents or those with minimal support network do it. Even with two of us, and support from our parents on both sides, it felt extremely challenging at times.

Now that we are at week 9, things have settled into a routine and life is more predictable. Looking back, a lot of the skills and strategies we used to help us through the first part of our little one’s life were honed throughout my husband’s transition. It feels like that experience, though it was a huge trial in itself, taught us how to navigate new parenthood. No, we didn’t learn how to feed a baby or change a diaper during his transition, but those more concrete things are easier to pick up. It’s the squishy stuff that is much more challenging.

As I mentioned above, having a new baby can be exhausting and frustrating. You don’t always know what to do or have the emotional reserve to repeat the same actions every three hours. The repetition is exhausting to the point that when you do have a free moment, you no longer have the energy to do any of the things you have be wishing you had the time to do. You are in a constant state of boredom, restlessness, and exhaustion all while feeling like you’re supposed to be enjoying every moment.

Transition is also exhausting and frustrating. You have to repeat your personal story and defend yourself to acquaintances, service providers, friends, and family multiple times a day. You feel worn down but still have to deal with the next interaction that comes along. There are systemic barriers and long wait times that are overwhelmingly frustrating. And the whole time, you just want to be happy and excited that you are slowly becoming the person you want to be.

Learning how to deal with this long, slow burn type of frustration and function despite emotional exhaustion prepared us for new parenthood. The strategy we use is to recognize the emotion of frustration for what it is – a reaction to a situation that you feel you have no control over – and find ways to regain control either within that situation or by completing other tasks.

Another part of the strategy is to focus on the little things that are positive, small signs of progress, and keep the long term picture in mind. With a little baby who can only communicate by crying and who has minimal vision and no control over their limbs, it can be exhausting to sink all your positive emotions into this being and receive only fussing and crying in return. Sure, there are also the times when they are sleeping like an angel and are so sweet you just want to cuddle them and squish them but you don’t dare touch them for fear of waking them. But at the beginning, it can feel like the frustration outweighs the positive feedback. So any sign of development, that they will eventually grow out of this stage, is cause for celebration.

My husband’s transition taught us something similar. Transition is a long, slow process and at times can feel like despite all the fighting, frustration, and effort, you haven’t made any progress. But then you look at your pre-transition photos or compare a voice recording and you realize you have made progress. Keeping up with his transition as his partner required me to recognize and celebrate the little things with him – each crack of his voice as it dropped, each new whisker in his beard, each piece of ID that came back with his correct name and gender marker. We learned how important it was to pay attention to and celebrate the little things and applied the same strategy with our newborn.

Through both gender transition and new parenthood, being aware of your own mental health and being able to communicate how you’re doing with your support network (be it your partner, parent, or medical professional) is extremely important. Through his transition we each learned how to track our own emotional state, how to recognize the signs of depression, burnout, fatigue, or distress in each other, and how to express our own needs as well as raise the issue if we had a concern about the other person.

During his transition, this tracking of our mental and emotional states was up to us. There was no professional checking in, no tracking app with mental health questionnaires and resource articles, and minimal community going through something similar. Since becoming parents, we have had way more support in this area, though we found that both of us have been doing quite well. And when we have a bad day, or a few days of minimal sleep in a row which puts us in a state of burnout, we recognize it quickly and work together to figure out how to regain our positive, stable outlook and look for ways to avoid the same thing in the future.

My husbands transition and my experience supporting him through it didn’t teach us how to be parents. But it did give us the mental health and relationship skills to weather a stressful, exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming time and turn it into something amazing, fulfilling, enjoyable, and a means of strengthening our bond.

Maybe you haven’t been through a gender transition yourself, or with someone you are close to. But maybe you have been through other trying experiences. If you can look back on those experiences and see what skills you developed or what your learned about yourself that helped you through, maybe you’ll be better prepared for whatever life throws at you. Or maybe you or someone you love is going through a gender transition now. If you are a parent and can remember back to the first six weeks of your child’s life, the skills you developed to get through those six weeks will serve you well over the next 3+ years of navigating transition.

If you are trans and have been told that this means you will never be a good parent, I would argue that the opposite is true. We have felt like, by being trans and navigating transition together, we have superpowers that have already served us well on this new, crazy, and exciting chapter of our lives.

Get new posts in your inbox so you don’t have to remember to check back! You can unsubscribe at any time so why not? Go on, do it. You know you want to.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Let’s Talk Gender S2E1: Nonbinary Identities and Labels

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

INTRO

Welcome to Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. I’m Meaghan Ray, a nonbinary person. My husband Jake is a trans man. We have been together since before either of us began exploring our gender identities. I co-hosted Season 1 with Jake where we discussed our experiences through the gender transition process. Season 2 will be radio host monologue style and is all about life as a nonbinary person.

To start off Season 2, I will be talking about nonbinary identities and labels. We talk about this in Season 1: Episode 1: Language and Labels but this time I’ll focus specifically on non-binary identities and labels. 

WHERE MY GENDER STORY BEGAN

I’m going to start off with my personal story so you know where I’m coming from and how I arrived at my current sense of my own identity.

When I was in Grade ten I had a few months of switching back and forth between feeling like I was Meaghan and feeling like a boy named Ray. I didn’t know how to put that into words at the time. All I knew was that some days when I woke up I was comfortable in my more feminine clothes and being called Meaghan and some days when I woke up and went to school I felt very uncomfortable in my feminine clothes and I had to wear my baggier clothes and I would randomly respond to the name Ray of this boy in my year who had a locker down the hall from me.

I couldn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it, I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I just kind of lived through it. I would switch back and forth every few days, maybe have a week or a little bit more as Meaghan and then switch back to Ray for a few days. It got very uncomfortable.

This was around January to March of Grade 10. So around March break when our family went up to cottage I found a quiet space by myself with a notebook. I wrote out a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Meaghan and a list of personality traits that I felt like I embodied when I was Ray. I drew lines between the ones that were the same which showed where they overlapped and decided that was who I was going to be from then on. In essence I found a way to make them work together.

YEARS LATER…

From then on I ignored it and lived my life as a slightly masculine presenting woman. At least until my husband Jake started transitioning. This exposed me to new labels and a community of trans people and nonbinary people, reminded me of that experience I had had back in Grade ten that I had completely forgotten about, and gave me space to think about my gender in a way that was positive and that it would be possible to live as my whole self and not just where the two parts overlapped.

Initially during his transition I was mostly in the support role so I didn’t feel like I had the energy or space to explore my self but a few years into his transition once everything had stabilized, I did have the energy and that space. Around the same time, with my husband presenting more masculine and being identified as a man in public by strangers, they would put me in the ‘female’ box and treat me more femininely than they had when we were identified as a lesbian couple. This got very uncomfortable and was one of the other reasons why I needed to explore my identity in terms of gender.

The first thing I did was track my gender on a scale and discovered I fluctuate from about 50% female to 25% male, around the middle. Six months into the self-discovery process I had more clearly defined what my triggers are for various types of dysphoria and developed strategies to manage it as best I could. I learned that social dysphoria is significantly harder to manage than physical dysphoria and for me, social dysphoria is actually the one I have more of. I had lots of fears most of which did not come true or were balanced out by benefits of knowing myself better and having better management strategies for dysphoria.

GENDER SPECTRUMS

During my self-discovery process I mostly thought of gender along a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle which, because of the nature of my own identity, works for me. But single line spectrums such as those shown on the original Genderbread Person graphic are problematic for a number of reasons.

The first one is that there is no zero option or absence of whatever is on the spectrum which alienates or doesn’t allow space for many nonbinary and other queer identities. Another reason that it is problematic is that it is still binary focused, this or that or somewhere in between but not something different. It also frames nonbinary experiences using binary terminology and concepts which limits our understanding of ourselves and our ability to explain our identities to others in ways that feel authentic and don’t just relate back to cis experiences.

So I’ve learned that the better option is breaking the spectrum apart to have zero at one end of the scale to gender (male, female, or third gender) at the other end of the scale and have each on their own scales as shown in the Gender Unicorn graphic. This allows for identities that are an absence of that thing such as agender, demi- identities such as demi-boy or demi-girl, and multi-identities such as bigender. It gives more variety, more nuance, it’s more descriptive, more inclusive, and ends up being more accurate to an individual’s experience.

Another way to conceptualize nonbinary identities is on a 2D x-y axis graph (as seen in this post). The X axis 0-6 female and the Y axis 0-6 male. Nonbinary genders can fall anywhere in this square. They can be stable (represented by a dot) or fluctuating (represented by a shaded or circled area). However, this does not allow for third genders and is still framed by the binary and therefore may not work for everyone. 

Some people think of gender as an amorphous cloud of possible identities which is great if that works for you but, especially when explaining my gender to cis people, I find a little more structure is needed. I also found that when exploring my own gender, a little more structure was helpful, at least until I got a handle on where I fell on the spectrum and then I could expand a little on that.

LABELS

I view labels in general as communication tools, ways of expressing who you are and what your experiences might be to others. This relies on a mutual understanding of the label being used and can often lead to confusion if you don’t take the knowledge level or experiences of the person you are talking to into account. 

I’ll explain what I mean by talking about the labels I use and why and how I use each one.

Genderqueer

This is the first label I used (before discovering the label nonbinary). It’s a positive term that states what I am rather than what I’m not. It’s vague and can encompass lots of different things. It has a lot of history and lots of people recognize it.

Nonbinary

I now use this more than genderqueer because it has become a lot more common, even in the cis world. I don’t like this term as much because it focuses on the binary and says I’m not that thing but doesn’t say what I am. My gender is both female and male which means I encompass the whole binary so saying I’m not binary feels a little awkward. But still works as a good catch-all.

Gender-neutral

This is more of a description term than a label. Still relates to the binary and is a good descriptor of how I feel, how I might express myself and how people might relate to me. Even if people haven’t heard the term before it’s pretty easy to understand.

Co-gender

This is the most accurate term for my gender identitiy, the most specific one, but also the one that the least number of people are familiar with so it’s the one I use the least. It means having two distinct gender identities that overlap or work together to balance each other out. This is exactly the description of my gender identity.

Other Nonbinary Labels

There are many many more than what I go over here so if none of these resonate with you or aren’t the one your nonbinary friend or loved one uses, definitely check out the Resources page for other lists.

  • Bi-gender: two distinct genders, often don’t overlap, often people switch back and forth spontaneously or depending on the situation they’re in.
  • Tri-gender: as with bi-gender but with three genders
  • Genderfluid: any gender that encompasses more than one spot on the spectrum, their gender shifts around on the spectrum a little bit or a lot and can shift slowly or suddenly.
  • Gender non-conforming: umbrella term that is easy to understand but again, states what you are not rather than what you are. Some people like the feel of rebelling inherent in this label and for them it works really well.
  • Gender expansive: gender identities that encompass a large range of gender at all times. May feel the most comfortable presenting with some aspects being hyper-masculine and some aspects being hyper-feminine at the same time.
  • Gender creative: often applied to kids who are not fitting what society expects of them based on their sex assigned at birth. Sounds very playful and works well for kids but if it works for you as an adult, feel free to use it!
  • Agender: a lack of gender, having no sense of gender, feeling neutral or null. There are lots of other terms that are similar so if this experience fits but the label agender doesn’t, look up some other similar labels.
  • Demi genders: genders that fall somewhere between agender and any of the other genders. For example demi-girl, demi-boy. I don’t personally like the use of girl and boy, it sounds very young, but if it works for you that’s great!
  • Third genders: many cultural groups have traditions that involved a third gender. I don’t have a lot of personal experience with these as I don’t belong to any of these groups but if you do and you have a connection to that culture this may be a good fit for you.
  • Nonbinary woman or nonbinary man: genders that are fairly close to one of the binary genders but still include a small component of something different.
  • Masculine/feminine-of-center: more related to presentation and experience than identity and used as a grouping term for people who would be ‘read’ in a similar way by strangers. Not necessarily a label in itself but can be a good descriptor to add to other labels.

Trans

The last label I want to talk about is Trans. Trans is an umbrella term that means that your gender identity does not match the gender you were assigned at birth. Nonbinary does fall under the trans umbrella and many nonbinary people consider themselves trans.

Personally, I am very careful about how I apply this term to myself. I find there is a general understanding of trans identities as based on a binary transition which can lead to confusion when using this label without medically or legally transitioning. I would appear as a woman to most people until I say no, I’m nonbinary. But if I start out with the label Trans, they might think I’m a trans woman, ie assigned male at birth and have transitioned, which is very different from my personal experience and could be confusing. However, when I am around people who understand the nuances of the trans community and this label, I have no problem including myself under that umbrella

Of course, personal experience with a label matters. Specifically for the label ‘trans’, most of my experience comes from my husband identifying as a trans man and our experiences with the binary transition process that he’s gone through. Since my experiences are quite different from his, I have a hard time feeling a personal connection with the label ‘trans’ other than through a community connection basis.

There’s a common experience throughout the trans community and especially in the nonbinary community of feeling ‘not trans enough’ to claim this label. This really sucks. I feels like you need to prove your transness or need to complete a certain milestone of transition, especially related to medical or legal changes. I mostly want to say that this experience sucks and is a very common experience and if you are having this struggle, I often share your struggle and you are not alone. You should feel free to claim whatever label feels right to you that is within your realm of cultural experience to claim. 

WRAP-UP

That’s it for Episode 1 of Season 2 of Let’s Talk Gender. Next week I will be talking about nonbinary gender exploration. Or in other words, how you figure out what the hell your gender is when all you know is that it’s not female or male.

RELATED POSTS AND LINKS

CREDITS

All music for this podcast is written and performed by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Receive new podcast episodes, show notes, and blog posts in your inbox! You can unsubscribe at any time.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Why Using AMAB and AFAB is Problematic

I have used AMAB (assigned male at birth) and AFAB (assigned female at birth) many times since I started this blog. But I recently heard an argument against using these terms that I think is worth sharing.

Though the terminology of ‘assigned at birth’ is better than ‘biological sex’ or simply ‘sex’, it doesn’t change the fact that these are still broad categories based on sex-at-birth characteristics. I often use these terms as a general reference to ‘people who grew up being read as female due to an estrogen-based puberty’ and ‘people who grew up being read as male due to a testosterone-based puberty’. But this still makes the assumption that someone’s sex assigned at birth will determine the type of puberty they have, the characteristics and functions of their body, how they are socialized, and how they are read by society. Boiling all of that down to someones’s sex assignment is limiting, unhelpfully broad, and extremely exclusionary to intersex people.

I am trying to replace my use of these terms with more specific references. Here are some examples.

  • People who were raised female/male
  • People who menstruate/don’t menstruate
  • People with uteruses and/or vaginas
  • People who produce sperm
  • People with penises
  • People who lactate
  • People with facial hair
  • People with dysphoria due to a rounded chest
  • People who are assumed to be female/male
  • People with a low voice (bass/baritone range)
  • People with a high voice (soprano range)
  • People who are trying to masculinize their appearance/presentation
  • People who are trying to feminize their appearance/presentation

In almost any instance where I would normally use the shorthand of AFAB or AMAB there is a better phrase that is more specific to the context that I am referring to and therefore the people who might share this experience. It may use more words to say it but it ends up being more inclusive, more specific, and much more easily understood by a wider range of people.

Using more descriptive phrases relates our gender to our experiences, not to our sex assignment at birth or the gender that society assigns to our body. You avoid the constant reminder that society got it wrong (and often continues to get it wrong). Many people who would be turned off by that reminder would have no problem engaging in discussion when they are referred to using one of the alternative phrases above.

These descriptive phrases are also more inclusive of nonbinary people who may not share all the same desires, types of dysphoria, and presentation preferences as binary trans folks. If referring to AMAB trans people with the assumption that they share the experience of attempting to feminize their appearance in various ways, this could be frustrating and exclusionary of intersex and nonbinary people.

So next time you go to use the acronym AMAB or AFAB, try replacing it with a more specific and descriptive phrase. I know I will. Since I started trying to do this, there haven’t been any instances where I felt like the acronyms worked better.

What is your experience with these acronyms? Do they rub you the wrong way or not bother you at all? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!

RELATED POSTS

Receive blog posts and podcast episodes in your inbox! You don’t have to remember to check back and can unsubscribe at any time.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology

NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN

Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman.

I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. Some push back against it and some embrace it. I also know that pregnancy, birthing, and breastfeeding have been seen as traditional components of womanhood and there is a lot of push back against people who don’t identify as women claiming these experiences. There is also push back against people who identify as women not wanting to have these experiences and shame/stigma experienced by women who would like to have these experiences but are unable to for whatever reason.

I can’t fight against all these types of social marginalization, discrimination, and stigma in one post. I personally don’t see any of those judgments or identity based limitations as necessary, meaningful, or helpful. Everyone should be allowed to experience whatever aspects of childbearing, child caring, and child rearing they want and if they are unable to we should support them with community rather than shaming them. Regardless, I wanted to share my own personal experiences with this and some recommendations that might help others in the future.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Being pregnant and preparing for a baby requires consuming a huge amount of information and resources, most of which is presented as female-centric. I constantly have to filter out the language in order to apply this information to myself which is exhausting.

It is often hard to tell why I am uncomfortable with the information I’m consuming. Is it because it is all new, different, and overwhelming as anyone preparing for their first child can attest? Is it because picturing myself in that scenario triggers dysphoria which may mean I will need/want to avoid that situation or have a dysphoria management strategy in place? Or is it because the information is presented using language that is triggering dysphoria as I read it?

This makes it extra difficult to know what aspects of birthing and baby care will be more or less difficult for me gender-wise and how to prepare without stressing myself out about things that will be completely fine in the moment.

In order to sort through these reactions, I have joined trans/nonbinary support groups so I can see if I am equally as uncomfortable, anxious, or dyphoric when discussing the same topics with people who share my experiences and use affirming language. I also talk to my therapist and will have appointments scheduled for postpartum as well (highly recommend this for anyone able to access this service). Lastly, I have found The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin to be an invaluable source of balanced information presented almost entirely using gender neutral language.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND RESOURCES

Below is a table of some of the terminology that I have come across and some gender neutral or inclusive alternatives. I hope this helps steer resources and practitioners in a more trans inclusive direction.

Traditional LanguageTrans Inclusive Language
Pregnant women/womanPregnant people/person
Gestating people/person
Mother, mom, mommyParent
Gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Woman in labourPerson in labour
Labouring person
Birthing person
Father, dad, daddyParent, partner, co-parent
Support person
Non-gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Nursing Lactating
Feeding
Bodyfeeding
BreastfeedingChestfeeding
Breast/chestfeeding
Bodyfeeding
Breast milkHuman milk
Expressed milk

Please Note: I paired ‘Gestational parent’ with ‘Mother’ because traditionally, anyone gestating is labeled ‘Mother’ and resources that refer to the ‘Mother’ are often for gestating people in general. Some gestating people are men and will use the term ‘Father’ or other typically male parental term. Similarly, not all ‘Fathers’ are ‘Non-gestational parents’ – they might be the one who gestated the child! But traditional resources referring to the ‘Father’ often mean ‘Non-gestating parent’ or even just ‘Support person’.

The goal is to say what you mean. Do you mean ‘pregnant women’ specifically ie are you referring to a difference of experience between pregnant women and pregnant people of other gender identities? Or do you really mean ‘pregnant people’? Being inclusive isn’t difficult or mysterious. But it does require awareness of the breadth of identities and experiences and self awareness to say what you actually mean.

In addition to using trans-inclusive language, a basic understanding of what dysphoria is and how trans people who are pregnant, birthing, or postpartum may experience dysphoria is necessary for providing trans-inclusive care. Every trans person experiences dysphoria differently and will manage it differently. Knowing how to have those conversations with the gestating trans person in your life will make you a much better support person. As a support person, you are not responsible for identifying or managing their dysphoria for them. Simply knowing how to ask about it, being familiar with the language and experiences, will give them space to discuss it with someone who is showing care and support. Trust me, it makes a big difference.

If you are a birth worker (medically trained or not), here are some other resources that will help point you in the right direction:

  • Inclusive lactation style guide from International Lactation Consultant Association and why it matters
  • Gender Inclusive Language examples from Trans Care BC
  • Moss Froom: Trans & Queer Centered Doula & Childbirth Educator
  • Jenna Brown: Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth LLC
  • The Birth Partner, 5th Ed by Penny Simkin (also very good resource for gestating and birthing people and their supporters)

RELATED POSTS

Receive new posts in your inbox so you don’t have to remember to check back!
You can unsubscribe at any time.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

The Power of a Non-Binary Perspective

THE WORLD IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

I listen to a lot of podcasts and recently I listened to two different ones that seemed to be in conversation with each other. The first was an episode of Gender Stories by Alex Iantaffi released on April 12, 2020 called A non-binary approach in the COVID-19 pandemic: a conversation with Meg-John Barker. The second was an episode of Thoughts on Thoughts by Kristjana Reid, Jessica Miller, and Taylor Thomas released on June 8, 2020 called The Power of the Word “And”: Holding Conflicting Emotions Together. Both of these episodes were talking about how limiting, and potentially damaging, a black and white, either/or perspective can be.

There are many times in our lives when we are either personally experiencing a complex situation (such as parenting a difficult child) or are surrounded by one (such as a global pandemic). Often, we feel like there should be a right and wrong way to react to the situation, certain actions that we should take and others to avoid, ways we should feel that would, by the very nature of those feelings, prevent other ways of feeling. But if the situation is complex, why can’t our reaction to it also be complex?

THE NON-BINARY PERSPECTIVE

Here’s where the non-binary part comes in. Non-binary experiences and identities directly counteract the gender binary. Gender cannot possibly be composed of two boxes, male and female, that are seen as opposites of each other, if there are people who experience both of these genders, neither of these genders, or a third and completely different gender.

The non-binary perspective allows for a variety of experiences beyond the most obvious two (black and white, right and wrong) that we are usually presented with. It encourages us to consider both options as acceptable, or neither, or a third different option, or various options depending on the circumstances. It also encourages us to allow others to choose a different option, have a different reaction, or experience a situation differently from ourselves without judging that as incorrect, wrong, or harmful.

Now, the caveat is that, as I said, this helps us navigate complex situations with a more nuanced or open-minded approach. Some situations are not complex. Some situations clearly have a right and wrong reaction. So use your own judgement as to when this applies and when, perhaps, a stronger, more defined stance is required.

EXAMPLE 1: COVID-19 PANDEMIC

Here are a couple examples that came up in the podcast episodes (rephrased in my own words). The COVID-19 global pandemic has lead to many countries, local governments, and individuals reacting differently but very strongly based on very little information. It has lead to a lot of blaming and shaming, anxiety and isolation, but also creativity and ingenuity. This is one of those situations where, maybe, different reactions are acceptable depending on the situation at the time, in that place, or for that individual.

There are a lot of black-and-white seeming questions. Should we wear a mask or not? If we’re wearing masks, do we still need to stay 6 feet apart or not? Should we be disinfecting everything that comes into our houses or not? The scientific answers have been slow to keep up with the social necessity of answering these questions so everyone has had to decide for themselves what is best.

The non-binary perspective allows space for a variety of responses to these questions without shame, blame, or guilt. It allows for the freedom to change your response depending on the situation or what information you have.

Note: if you are looking for a source of scientific answers to these and other questions related to the COVID-19 pandemic, I recommend the podcast Science Vs from Gimlet. It is scientifically founded with a citation list for each episode and entertaining to listen to.

EXAMPLE 2: CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

The second example that stuck with me was dealing with conflicting emotions experienced during the postpartum period or with the death of a loved one. As I am into the third trimester of pregnancy at the time of writing this and my grandmother recently passed, I found these examples particularly relevant. I actually wrote a post along these lines about my experiences during pregnancy before I heard this podcast episode (Grief and Gratitude).

When we experience conflicting emotions we often put the word ‘but’ between them. ‘I love my baby but I’m so exhausted I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone but I’m glad she’s now at peace’. In the podcast episode of Thoughts on Thoughts, they talk about how the word but diminishes or negates everything that came before it. It suggests that we have to choose between those two experiences, that we can’t possibly experience them simultaneously or in equal amounts, and the one that we say after the but is taking precedence.

Instead, they suggest trying to use the word ‘and’. ‘I love my baby and I’m so exhausted that I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone and I’m glad she’s now at peace’. How does the change in these phrases sound to you? For me, this re-framing was powerful. It suggests that we are allowed to feel both of the emotions equally. It now sounds like the second part that before was negating the first, is now resulting from it, that they are tied together, intrinsically linked. This, for me, is a much more truthful presentation of how conflicting emotions feel.

So, next time you are expressing conflicting emotions, try to listen for that word ‘but’ and change it to ‘and’. Just like gender isn’t either/or, male or female, neither are emotions. You can be experiencing both at once, or even more than two, without any of them negating or diminishing the others.

RELATED POSTS

Receive new posts in your inbox.
Unsubscribe at any time.

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.