Dysphoria – Page 4 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Second Trimester Part 2

GENDER

Not much has changed gender-wise since my last pregnancy update (see Second Trimester Part 1). Being more visibly pregnant leads to more female language and more dysphoria. I have been able to manage by finding clothes that are generally affirming (larger sports bras rather than maternity bras and larger and longer ‘men’s’ t-shirts rather than maternity tops) though I have had to switch to maternity pants with the fake button, tiny pockets, but comfortable belly band.

Most of the conversations I’m having about gender are related to the baby’s gender (though most people mean sex – see Gender vs Sex). I have been trying to correct people’s use of the terms gender and sex and trying to explain to people why it’s important that the baby’s sex doesn’t matter and encouraging them to challenge their own conditioning about automatically asking about it. Most of the time I don’t have the energy for these conversations or the context isn’t conducive to this kind of conversation ie a stranger asking about the baby’s ‘gender’ in passing (yes, this happens frequently). The longer conversations I have had with friends and co-workers, when my response is received well, often segue into a conversation about trans identities, identity vs presentation, and sometimes even my own identity as nonbinary. So, while the question ‘What are you having?’ is very frustrating and mildly triggering, it has helped me come out to more people in a round-about way.

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I am still struggling with pain in my hips, pelvis, back, ribs, and occasional other joints. The worsening of this pain has slowed down with the sedentary duties at work and use of a walker or cane to get around. Other symptoms (heartburn, overheating, vivid dreams) are generally easy to manage.

The coolest thing is the baby movement. Hiccups are the cutest – a rhythmic little thump in one spot that someone else can feel from the outside. The kicks, elbows, knees, and punches range from interesting to surprising to painful. The squirming can be weird and nauseating but is also pretty cool how much it changes the shape of my belly and how visible it is from the outside. All these sensations remind me that I have a little human growing inside me. It is pretty amazing what my body can do.

THE MENTAL GAME

As I enter the third trimester of pregnancy, I have been doing a lot of thinking ahead to, and learning about labour, birth, and the postpartum experience. We have been taking prenatal classes (over Zoom of course) and I have been reading lots of books. The best one that I’ve found by far is called The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. It’s on it’s fifth edition and is written using predominantly gender neutral language – birthing person/labouring person, partner/support person, breast/chest feeding. While it’s aimed at the support person rather than the birthing person, I have found it very straightforwardly informative and affirming.

Learning about and preparing for the big scary experiences and changes ahead is my way of making them feel more manageable and less scary. I’m not generally an anxious person so I’m unlikely to make myself more scared by learning more. However, thinking about the future definitely takes my focus away from experiencing the moment, experiencing pregnancy to the fullest as it happens. So I’m trying to find a balance between the two by enjoying as many aspects of pregnancy as I can while managing the rest and preparing for the future.

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In My Body

Note: Although this post is specifically about my experience of being pregnant, you might find what I talk about relates closely with other major life events such as health challenges, injuries, and aspects of transitioning. I hope you find it interesting, if not relevant to your own experiences.

Being pregnant is a weird experience. Everyone who is or has been pregnant experiences it differently, both physically and emotionally.

There are both positive and negative aspects to the process that we have to navigate. Some of the positive aspects can help offset the negative ones, but sometimes our only ways to cope with the negative ones also diminish the positive.

I am currently trying to deal with physical body pain as well as physical and social dysphoria while trying to stay present and experience the wonder of being pregnant.

Generally, the easiest way to cope with both physical pain and dysphoria are to distract myself, decrease my focus on my body. But that also takes my focus away from the internal changes related to being pregnant. This can make me feel like I’m missing out on the experience of being pregnant and decreases my ability to convince myself that the negative aspects are worth it for the sake of growing a human. Regardless, if the pain and/or dysphoria are bad enough, distracting myself from my body becomes a necessary survival tactic.

Most of the time, some amount of focus on the specific parts of my body that relate to the positive aspects of being pregnant actually helps offset the pain and dysphoria by making them feel worth it or at least by giving me something positive to focus on. These aspects include the expansion of my belly, the sensation of the baby moving, and knowledge about the baby’s growth and the changes in my own body.

So focusing on my body in specific ways can heighten my awareness of the positive aspects of pregnancy and offset the negative ones to some extent but too much focus on my body can actually cause the negative aspects and my awareness of them to get worse. This balance point is different every day and in different situations. For me, finding this balance point is an instinctual process.

Lots of prenatal programs encourage meditation, yoga, stretching, and breathing techniques, all of which require or encourage a certain amount of focus on or awareness of your body. Depending on where I need that balance point to be, these activities might do more harm than good for me at any given time.

Everyone’s strategies for managing the positive and negative aspects of pregnancy will be different. Some people may not even be aware they are using a strategy similar to mine. I only recently became aware that I was using this strategy myself. Some people may not be able to understand how this strategy works for me or why it is necessary no matter how much I try to explain it.

Our connection between our mind, body, and emotions is strange and complex. The more you understand how it works for you, the better you will be able to navigate these types of complex, conflicting, and life-changing experiences.

So far, I feel like I’m doing ok.

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Second Trimester Part 1

GENDER

I have stayed close to the middle of the gender spectrum over the past few months with some fluctuations towards the female side. This has made me feel balanced and stable within my gender, much more so than last time (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender).

But as I predicted, dysphoria has definitely gotten worse since telling people I’m pregnant and starting to show. The belly is not really an issue though it is the thing that people use to identify me as pregnant and then start treating me more femininely. Referring to my belly or the fact that I’m pregnant with typically feminine terms definitely increases my social dysphoria and feelings of invisibility.

Worse than the belly is the bra shopping and maternity clothes. Nothing makes top dysphoria worse than your breasts out-growing your bras every couple months. Unfortunately, I have some swelling that could get significantly worse with taping and rib pain that makes binding impossible.

I’m sure both physical and social dysphoria will get worse as I get closer to my due date. Unfortunately, with this social distancing we are all living with at the moment (due to COVID-19), I have less access to the various forms of support I’ve be building for myself over the last nine months (various queer discussion and support groups in my area and a bi-monthly queer games group).

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I have considerably more energy than I did at the end of the first trimester. I have just started getting heartburn. So far I don’t have any swelling in my legs though I have been congested in the evenings and overnight for a few weeks.

Mostly, my joint pain has gotten considerably worse. For most pregnant people, this is a symptom that comes on later in pregnancy with the increased weight and change in posture. But for people with underlying inflammatory or connective tissue disorders/conditions, their symptoms can get considerably worse earlier on in pregnancy. This has been the case for me.

As of mid-March, I have been using a walker when out of the house. Most of the time I can walk around the house without a cane but sometimes I need it in the evenings. I have rib and neck pain, my knees ache, and my wrists, elbows, and shoulders are slowly getting worse the more I have to rely on them to support me when I’m walking.

Needless to say, my role at work has changed and my ability to contribute to household chores has decreased significantly in the last few weeks. I am trying to find creative ways to do things or shift roles to ones I can manage easier even if it’s not something I typically enjoy doing.

The lack of mobility is frustrating but feeling useless or like I’m just getting in the way is worse. I don’t mind having to use gait aids (it is part of my job to encourage people who would benefit from them to use them) but it is hard to deal with the reason I need the walker or cane – the constant but fluctuating pain. Looking ahead to another six months of this as it slowly gets worse is extremely difficult.

I am trying to stay positive and say ‘at least it’s for a good cause’ and ‘at least I know it will have an end point’ but I’d like to be able to enjoy the process of being pregnant, at least a little bit. Maybe once I am consistently feeling the baby move and able to share that with my husband I will feel more connected to the positive side of this process.

For now, I will keep taking it one day at a time, do the best I can, and take breaks when I need to.

How did your experience of your gender change as your body changed with pregnancy? What physical symptoms did you have to contend with?

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Non-binary and Pregnant (Again)

That’s right! I am in my second trimester of pregnancy!

HOW WE GOT HERE

After the miscarriage (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender), we continued with IUI for two more cycles (taking a month off between each as before). When that didn’t work, we tried a medicated IUI cycle where I took a follicle stimulating drug. The goal was to force my body to produce and release multiple eggs.

The drugs gave me hot flashes, dizzy spells, racing heart, and decreased appetite. We decided that if this cycle didn’t work, we would take a longer break to build up some money and prepare for IVF. The two week wait was particularly intense and when it came back negative, it took extra time and energy to recover from.

IVF

We calculated that it would take about eight months to build up the money needed for IVF but with the help of both of our families, we were able to start much sooner.

The IVF process involved a lot of hormone injections, abdominal discomfort from enlarged ovaries, many internal ultrasounds, an egg harvesting procedure, daily embryo updates, and eventually an embryo implantation.

What with all the hormones in my system and the aching ovaries, I had no idea if I was pregnant or not until the blood test. Which came back positive!!

PREGNANT AGAIN

This time, we knew for sure that the egg had properly developing genetic material inside so we had already avoided the cause of my previous miscarriage. Over the next few weeks I slowly developed the typical first trimester symptoms – fatigue, nausea (luckily not too bad), and increased hunger and thirst. The aching in my ovaries slowly faded and resolved by about week six.

We had our first ultrasound at week 7. There it was, a little bean, floating in a pool in my womb. Better yet, there was a little fluttering spot in the bean that showed a heartbeat!

My pregnancy symptoms continued to worsen until week nine when the nausea suddenly disappeared. My appetite and thirst increased even more. Around week six I started to have increasing joint pain. I have chronic SI joint problems and low level body inflammation and often take naproxen to manage pain. It is a wonder drug for me but unfortunately, you can’t take naproxen or anything like it while pregnant. So, over time my SI pain has gotten worse and I have had to use a cane, wear an SI belt, and be careful what I do at work.

THE GENDERY STUFF

The IVF process had a lot of ups and downs with regards to gender. There were times when I felt like I fit right in and felt affirmed as a woman, in awe of what my body was doing. Then there were times when I felt very out of place, at odds and uncomfortable with being identified as a woman. At those times, using the women’s bathroom and signing many documents that identified me as a woman were particularly difficult.

I was forced to be aware of and interact with my ‘female parts’ in invasive and unavoidable ways. I had many transvaginal ultrasounds throughout the IVF process, one of which fell on a particularly dysphoric day, after which I immediately had to go to work, and took me hours to recover from. All procedures since then have been slightly more difficult regardless of dysphoria just because of the memory of that experience.

During the pregnancy so far I have been floating around the female side of neutral, much closer to the middle of my typical gender bandwidth than the last time I was pregnant (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender). Is this because I have had more time to become comfortable and confident in my gender or because the hormone balance is different this time around? Who knows. Regardless, this means I have had more balance but slightly more dysphoria than last time.

LOOKING AHEAD

As I move into the second trimester and start to show more and tell people, I’m expecting my social dysphoria, and eventually my physical dysphoria, to get worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage this ok with the support that I have and a lessening of the first trimester fatigue.

I will try to post more frequent updates on how things are going and what being pregnant is like as a non-binary person.

If you or someone close to you is going through the IVF process and you would like more details on my experience or someone to talk to I am happy to share in a more private setting. Feel free to email me or leaving your contact info in the comments.

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E7: Medical Transition: Top Surgery

OVERVIEW

In this episode we talk about Jake’s path to top surgery and his experiences of the procedure and the recovery process. We also discuss the role of the partner and Meaghan Ray’s experience during each stage of this process.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s Top Surgery Experience

Referral to gender psychiatrist September 2016
Saw gender psychiatrist July 2017
- Referral to top surgery – likely a two month wait
- No word, called back, finally heard from the surgeon two months later
Two surgeons in our area that rotate so one is taking consults then start working on the surgeries while the other one takes consults
- Trans people are at the bottom of the list in terms of priority
- A friend got in for a breast reduction after a year, Jake has been waiting two years and still hasn’t heard back from them
Initial consult was a fast twenty minute run through with minimal information
- Didn’t know what questions to ask yet
- Learned that he would likely end up with dog ears
- Revision to get rid of dog ears is not covered by provincial health care
- Liposuction to prevent dog ears was not covered or even discussed as an adjunct out of pocket
- Offered double-incision method only
- Left Jake feeling uncomfortable and frustrated
Started googling where else he could get surgery
- Found McClean Clinic in Toronto where they do ‘Mascuplasty’ to create appearance of a male chest instead of just double mastectomy
  - Includes liposuction and revision
- Called the clinic, filled out the application, and was put on the list for a phone consultation which happened 4 months later (8 months after original referral)
- Likely wait was listed as 3-6 months after consultation
Phone consult in March 2018
- Surgery is done under informed consent – don’t need a referral from psychologists or psychiatrists but instead have to pay out of pocket
- Similar vetting process to the gender psychiatrist – what are your expectations for surgery, why do you feel you need this surgery, describe your dysphoria…
- Feel like you have to explain how you feel in stereotypical ways in order to ‘qualify’ and get access to the medical treatment you need
Offered a date 6 weeks later!
- Took a day to consider if this was what he wanted
- Much less time to logistically and emotionally prepare
  - Good support from community, even people who had personal experience with the McClean Clinic who all had great experiences
  - One friend showed his results and provided a list that he had made of tips and tricks after his surgery
  - Did lots of research on facebook groups for trans guys and breast cancer survivors
Trip to Toronto for surgery!
- Willing to pay for better results and less wait time
- Able to stay with family
- Second guessing at the last minute
  - Not a ton of physical dysphoria but lots of social dysphoria that was severely anxiety inducing especially in public washrooms
In-person consult the day before
- Surgeon was 2 hrs late
- Jake burned through all his anxiety during the long wait
- Brief but thorough description of the surgery plan, results, and follow up
Day of surgery
- Measurements and markings based on ratios
- Awkward but done in a medical way
- IV started
- Went into surgery and came out crying for no reason
- Very sore across the chest
  - Wearing a compression band over the bandages
- Got up to the bathroom and was dropped off with no supervision, felt very panicky, light-headed and gross
- Was rescued by a nurse who then asked about any history of anxiety
  - Maybe they should ask about this before surgery?
- Eventually met up with MR and was escorted out to the back door in a wheelchair
  - Lots of difficulty finding the car, figuring out where they wanted him to be picked up, etc

Partner Experience of Top Surgery

Included in all the pre-op appointments
- Helping remember information and nice to know what was going on
Day of surgery
- Stayed for pre-op measurements etc
- Kicked out when he went in for surgery
  - Told it would take about 2 hrs and they would phone when he was done
- No word after 2 hrs so I checked in with the desk and was shooed away with no actual updated estimate
- Waited another 45-60 mins with no word so I checked back in
  - They went to check with the nurses and this time gave me a spot to sit around the corner
    - Had all our winter gear and personal belongings and my entertainment to keep me occupied during the surgery piled around me
  - Eventually came back and told me he was just crying a bit and I could go back in a few minutes when he was feeling better
  - Would NOT let me go back to help him calm down/recover
    - Tried really hard not to get in the way but also mentioned that I am familiar with medical things and could probably help him
- Eventually got to see him once he was back in the pre-op room (after the whole anxious bathroom experience)
  - Very pale, shaky, sweaty, nauseous and in pain
  - Got a wet cloth for his neck
  - Helped him eat crackers
Generally poor communication with me
Fiasco with getting him to the car was very frustrating
Drove home very carefully
- He was already in lots of pain and getting very nauseous
- Had to pull over a couple times to make sure he was doing ok
Got home, got him settled and took it easy for a few days

Jake’s Top Surgery Recovery

Returned to the clinic the next day to ensure everything was going ok
- 15 minute appointment with lots of driving to get there and back
First few days were mostly sleeping, resting, watching movies, sleeping propped up
Became very itchy from the pain meds
Pain from the compression vest under his armpits where they had done liposuction
- Sensation in areas of liposuction came back very quickly with lots of bruising
- Tucked some towels over the edge to make it feel less sharp
- Moved the vest down a bit and loosened it a bit
Went back for a follow up after 7 days where they took off all the bandages
- Could already tell his chest was flatter but with no bandages or vest it felt very flat
- Subdued reaction due to pain meds and that it matched his expectation so it didn’t feel surprising
- Partner reaction was much stronger
  - Had spent so many months picturing him with a flat chest because that’s how he pictured himself that his chest area had blurred out and had become uncomfortable to really pay attention to
  - With the bandages off it was the first time that I could comfortably look at that part of him and have it look right
  - Also knew how awesome he would feel about it once his head was clear of the meds and he was feeling better
  - Took some pictures and video including the side view which was the greatest
Flew back to Alberta
Took an extra week off work in order to recover enough stamina
Was supposed to keep the compression vest on for 4 weeks but ended up taking it off after 3 because it was so uncomfortable to wear under work shirts
Kept nipple covers on to keep nipples moist
- Nipples scabbed as they healed (normal)
  - Looked like two black nipples and felt like something was wrong (also very common)
- Scabs started coming off and the nipple was so light that it looked like it wasn’t there but everything was fine
Sensation returned slowly
- Lots of areas across the top of his chest that started to itch as sensation came back
- Then down into armpit and across towards the nipples
- Played games where we would test where his sensation had gotten to
- Nipple sensation has returned part way, somewhat hypersensitive
- One spot in the left incision where a nerve ending was exposed and caused serious stabbing pain each time it was touched
Traumatized by liposuction video
- Makes sense why those areas were so numb
Scar care
- Bio-oil
- Scar massage
- Really careful to not raise his arms
  - Found other ways to exercise by modifying activities to deal with the feeling of being cooped up
Mostly frustrated with the irritating symptoms as the sensation returned and changed constantly
- Had to use numbing gel at times

Partner Experience During Recovery

Listen to what they are experiencing
Look up extra info such as scar care and desensitization strategies if needed
- Your person is so irritated by those sensations and burntout from the whole experience
Had fun figuring out where the sensation had returned to
Helping out others in the community since

Looking Back On It

If you’re considering private options, take the time to look around, including international options
- Worth pricing them out regardless of distance
- Consider amount of post-op support from family/friends
- Consider whether you will get the results you want and what medical follow up is offered
Most people have had positive experiences with McClean Clinic
- Jake found a big difference between the high quality customer service at a distance vs less awesome experience in person

Next time: Legal Transition

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E5: Social Transition: Coming Out At Work

OVERVIEW

Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.

Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.

We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.

SHOW NOTES

Jake’s process for coming out at work

Preparation

Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
- They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them

Tipping Point

Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
Told team lead in advance
Had written an email
Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
- Generally supportive
Sent email to whole department
- Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
Told other higher-ups
- One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
- Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)

Challenges

Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
- Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
- She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing

Bathrooms

Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
- Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR

Looking Back

Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
Fighting on all fronts
Exhausting and circular and convoluted

Did People Adapt?

Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
- Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
- Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
- Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots

Other Interesting Situations

Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
- Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity

Partner Experience

Could only be a cheerleader
Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
- Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
- Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
- Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
- Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
- Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
- More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
- Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)

Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work

Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
Half the people I interact with are strangers
Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
- Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct

Jake’s experience as a partner

Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less

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Gay vs Trans

There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay.

Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay and non-binary and my husband’s experiences of being gay and trans. We both identified as gay first, and later discovered and expressed our non-cis gender identities.

SIMILARITIES

Incorrectly assumed to be the default (cis or straight)
Living with confusion and feeling like you don’t fit in before you know why
Have to figure out your identity
Have to ‘come out of the closet’ ie tell other people
Dealing with fear of rejection, prejudice, loss of housing or work as a result of coming out
Excitement and comfort of finding people that have the same/similar identity/experiences as you
Culture, experiences, and history specific to queer community
Lots of different terminology, language, and labels
Different interaction with people in your community than people outside of it
Risk to physical and psychological safety by living authentically
Pride parades, pride month, pride flags and symbols
Being labeled by strangers (often incorrectly) based on how you look or who you’re with
Often become parents via alternative fertility methods, surrogacy, or adoption
Prejudice in health care and legal systems (significantly worse for trans identities but present for both)
Lack of appropriate/relevant sex education

DIFFERENCES

Who you like vs who you are ie sexuality vs gender
Gender based experiences and identities are much less understood and accepted by the general public than sexuality based ones (though this wasn’t always the case and we hope to get to the same place with acceptance of gender identities)
- Significant energy has to be put towards educating the people around you when you come out as trans that isn’t necessary when coming out as gay
Coming out as gay requires the other person to change how they refer to your partner (if you have one) whereas coming out as trans requires them to change how they refer to you (which takes a lot more work on their part)
Dysphoria with trans identities that doesn’t relate to gay identities
Possibility of medical intervention and changes to legal documents with transition
Difficulty accessing appropriate/competent medical care as a trans person when it wasn’t a problem as a gay person
Gay community is readily available and easy to find while trans community is much smaller and harder to find
Extreme shift in privilege with transition that is much less pronounced with coming out as gay
Most trans people pick a new name, gay people don’t

If you have anything you’d like to add to these lists, leave me a comment below!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E3: Personal Transition: Gender Exploration

OVERVIEW

The first stage of transition is the personal exploration of your gender. We discuss what the process of exploring your gender feels like, how each of us figured it out in different ways, and what it’s like to be the partner of someone going through the gender exploration process.

Sorry for the variable sound quality. We are still trying out different set ups to find something that works for us.

SHOW NOTES

Exposure to a concept or identity that resonated with us
- Looking up other people’s experiences on YouTube
- Being fascinated by people’s experiences without knowing why until later
Finding language to express ourselves and define our identities
- Other people’s labels don’t necessary feel right for you
- The labels that feel right shift throughout the exploration process
- The trans label comes with a lot of weight
- Takes a while to find your own meanings for labels that fit
Exploration is often driven by the feeling of not fitting with the gender you were assigned at birth and how people relate to you as a result (dysphoria)
- Trying to minimize it guides us in a direction towards our actual gender
- Often have been experiencing dysphoria for a while but didn’t know what it was called and once we have the word for it it feels huge and way more painful than it did before
- Physical dysphoria, social dysphoria, mental dysphoria
- Fairly easy to tell what you are dyphoric about
Sometimes we encounter gender euphoria and exploration is driven by finding that experience again
- Trying on different clothes when playing dress-up or secretly raiding a family member’s closet

Jake’s Experience

Minimal physical dysphoria, mostly social dysphoria
Voice causing people to gender him as female
Explorations
- Cutting hair short
- Wearing a binder
- Trying a packer
- More masculine style
Very nervous that people would notice immediately
Very scared of what the implications were of this feeling good, progressed very slowly
Looking for a new name
- Flipping through baby books
- Making a short list
- Ordering different things online with a different name each time
- Kept coming back to Jake and eventually it stuck
Eventually decided that he definitely did not feel comfortable being female
- Even if he didn’t do any medical transition, he still felt more male than anything else
Exploration doesn’t end
- Now that he is more comfortable in his maleness he is exploring some of the female things that he would never have done before
  - Longer hair
  - Nail polish
  - Earings back in

Meaghan Ray’s Experience

Exploration was a lot easier because they already new their identity but needed strategies to manage dysphoria, especially at work
- Similar strategies as Jake
Had a very clear gender related experience in Grade 10 where they were a boy named Ray for a few days, then back to Meaghan, then back to Ray
- Kept up for 2-3 months
- Was very confusing and frustrating and destabilizing
- Ended up making a list of personality traits for Meaghan and a list of personality traits for Ray, drew lines between the ones that matched, and from then on lived as that person
- Buried the whole experience very deep until Jake started talking about gender and they found language and space to explore it in a positive way
Needed something more concrete to follow for exploration than Jake
- You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox
- Created a gender tracker to see how much their gender fluctuated between male and female for both physical and social sense of gender
- Learned that their period affects their gender and that their physical and social sense of gender can shift separately which they will use different strategies to manage
Trying on a dress privately
- Thought it would feel wrong but it felt like a non-binary person wearing a dress
- It did not erase their sense of identity which was encouraging
At the end of exploration, they now have many more strategies that help and a much better understanding of who they are and how to express it to people

Partner Experience

Seeing Jake with a flat chest in a binder helped change Meaghan Ray’s mental image of him
If the partner is cis it can be very difficult to understand what’s happening
- Some trans people are not willing to include the partner in their exploration process and just show up as their new self which is very threatening and sudden for the partner
- Instead, Jake included Meaghan Ray in the process and they helped look stuff up, break things down into smaller steps so it was less scary, tested things out during a camping trip, provide encouragement and support
Your experience is your own
Need to find your own sources of support as a partner
Don’t know how to talk about it yet because everyone is still just figuring it out
The more open we are with each other the easier it is to keep our relationship strong
We happen to both be AFAB and heading in the male direction
- Some strategies worked very well for both of us
- Some things worked very differently for each of us
- Some things worked for one of us but not at all for the other

Resources

FTM
- YouTube Channels: Chase Ross at uppercasechase1, Ty Turner, Jammiedodger
- Books: This One Looks Like a Boy
NB
- Podcasts: Gender Rebels, They/Them/Theirs
- YouTube Channels: Ashley Wilde, Ash Hardell
- Instagram hashtags to create a community for yourself

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Prioritizing Together Time

Whether you are in a relationship or have a close friend or family member that you rely on for support, prioritizing time with them is especially important if you are questioning your gender or transitioning.

Any exploration or change in our gender identity and presentation is a big change that very much affects the people around us. Close relationships only remain close if we keep communicating to understand how each person is changing and growing so we can support or adjust as needed.

From my experience during my husband’s transition and my own gender exploration, I discovered there are a few different types of quality time that serve different purposes. We were not always good at using out together time to the best advantage but we definitely got better at it over time out of necessity. Hopefully, by sharing our experience, I can help you skip the muddling through process and keep your relationships strong right from the start.

TALKING TIME

Setting aside time to share how each of you is doing or discuss new thoughts and emotions is the most important. These conversations can take a lot of energy but they are the core of what will maintain your mutual understanding and support.

These conversations can be intense, draining, and difficult. Here are some ideas you can try that might make them easier:

Schedule a regular check-in time that includes self care strategies before and/or after (journaling, exercise, creative expression, time in nature, etc).
Have these talks in a safe and isolated environment such as the bedroom (ie pillow talk), the car, or when you’re out for a walk together.
Write down some notes in advance if you get easily emotionally overwhelmed and have difficulty expressing yourself or staying present in the conversation.
Request a conversation to give the other person some warning. If this is helpful but also makes them anxious with wondering what it’s about, you can use a shorthand to define the parameters – Is it a you thing, me thing, or us thing? What is the general topic? Is it a big thing, a medium thing, or a small thing?
Try NOT to think of these conversations as a one-off for any topic. It’s important that you have a chance to come back to anything you have discussed previously to delve deeper, clarify or adjust how you explained yourself or how you understood each other, or to have another opportunity to explore, express, or process the same emotions or situation.

ACTIVITY TIME

Spending time doing something that you mutually enjoy is also really important. This is a way to take a break from the gender based conversations and maintain your bond based on previous activities. You can choose activities that are not inherently gender based or dysphoria inducing or agree to not discuss gender based topics during the course of a particular activity or day.

These activities may need to be adjusted somewhat if they trigger dysphoria. Be self-aware and honest about this. Sacrificing your well-being and hiding your discomfort defeats the purpose of doing something you both enjoy to strengthen the relationship. Finding new ways to enjoy the things you bonded over will initially take a bit of effort, communication, and time, but the pay-off is well worth it.

EXPLORATION TIME

Maybe you are exploring your gender and need a sounding board, someone to go shopping with, or someone to be your safety buddy when trying out a new presentation in public for the first time. Maybe you have started hormones or are having surgery and your body and emotions are changing and your partner or close support person needs time to explore these changes with you so they can get used to them.

These moments of exploration can happen spontaneously or be part of a planned activity. They are particularly important for intimate relationships but are also helpful for other close relationships.

Some examples of this are when I would feel my husband’s facial hair as it grew in or ran my hands down his chest when he was wearing a binder or post top surgery to get used to the change, or when we took a vacation trip where we explored different names and pronouns for him.

The exploration time is mutually beneficial. It can help the transitioning person be more confident in exploring something new or doing something scary. It can also be euphoric for the transitioning person and help them see their partner/support person being curious and making the effort to adjust. And of course, it includes the partner/support person in the transition process, helps them adjust their mental image of the transitioning person, and adjust to new changes.

SHARING SPACE

Sometimes all you need is to be in the same space together. You can be doing completely different things and not talking to each other at all, but just feeling the other person’s presence can be a balm against the irritation, frustration, and exhaustion from interacting with the rest of the world and navigating transition.

Acknowledging each other’s presence in small ways helps strengthen the value of this time. Whether it’s staying within view, checking in with each other with a look, a touch, or a few words, or sharing some aspect of the space while you’re doing different things (ie listening to the same music or watching the same TV show), this helps turn two people doing separate activities into quality time.

I hope these descriptions of different types and purposes of together time help you be more purposeful and effective with maintaining strong relationships during transition or other big life changes.

If you have other suggestions for together time, please leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage