Pregnancy and Parenting

Our adventures in fertility, pregnancy, and parenting as a queer and trans couple

  • While You Are Sleeping: A Poem to My Baby
    by Meaghan Ray
    Over the course of the last year, the first year of my child’s life, I have experienced many intense moments. Sometimes these happen over a discrete period of time – a moment, a day, or even a few weeks – and then they pass. Other times, like the one described in this poem, these intense moments happen repeatedly, in small bursts, and are related to a particular activity. For me, one of these has been … Continue reading While You Are Sleeping: A Poem to My Baby
  • How I Respond When Strangers Gender My Child
    by Meaghan Ray
    MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY CHILD’S GENDER PRESENTATION When we’re going out for a walk, to a park, or to a grocery store, I have to decide what my child is going to wear. When I choose my own clothes, it is often based on gender related factors – dysphoria and euphoria, how I want my gender to be viewed by others, safety – and of course, the weather. But my goal is to provide my … Continue reading How I Respond When Strangers Gender My Child
  • From Baby to Toddler: First Birthday and First Anniversary of Birthing
    by Meaghan Ray
    MILESTONES VS ANNIVERSARIES Milestones are typically cumulative: one leads to the next and to the next, either in number (as with birthdays) or in skill level (as with motor development). Anniversaries, on the other hand, are a remembering of a singular event. Milestones feel like an accomplishment, a moving forward. Anniversaries feel like pausing and looking back, to see how far we’ve come. The first birthday of my child was a strange mix of both. … Continue reading From Baby to Toddler: First Birthday and First Anniversary of Birthing
  • From Baby to Toddler: The End of Parental Leave and Start of Daycare
    by Meaghan Ray
    In Canada, where I live, we have a year long parental leave. It was amazing to get to spend the majority of my time with my baby for their entire first year of life. This is the time we lay the groundwork for the bond we will have from then on. Life took on a completely different pattern when I was on parental leave. It had a narrow focus that required me to develop a … Continue reading From Baby to Toddler: The End of Parental Leave and Start of Daycare
  • From Baby to Toddler: The End of Bottle Feeding
    by Meaghan Ray
    WHY BOTTLE FEEDING? If you’ve been following along with our journey, you’ll know that we have been bottle feeding our baby since they were two weeks old. This is because of issues with lactation and dysphoria. As soon as we tried bottles, it was night and day. It just worked so much better for us. Generally, bottle feeding is treated as a stand-in or substitute for the more preferred nursing/body-feeding. I don’t think this is … Continue reading From Baby to Toddler: The End of Bottle Feeding
  • From Baby to Toddler: Motor Milestones and Ableism
    by Meaghan Ray
    FROM BABY TO TODDLER: FIRST STEPS Technically, a baby becomes a toddler on their first birthday. There is so much development in so many different areas around this time but the one that gets the most attention is walking. A baby’s first steps are often much celebrated and, emotionally, mark the shift into toddlerhood. The name ‘toddler’ even comes from the unsteady, wide based gait quintessential to new, young ambulators. With walking comes more independence … Continue reading From Baby to Toddler: Motor Milestones and Ableism
  • From Baby to Toddler: Developmental Thresholds and Complex Emotions
    by Meaghan Ray
    DEVELOPMENTAL THRESHOLDS Babies are constantly changing. Even before birth, their development during pregnancy is rapid and constant. And yet, we perceive this development as occurring in stages. Some of these stages seem arbitrary – like the trimesters of pregnancy – and some seem practical – like the motor milestones. The change from one stage to the next requires adaptation and often comes with excitement, pride, mourning, and anxiety. Often, these thresholds feel sudden because we … Continue reading From Baby to Toddler: Developmental Thresholds and Complex Emotions
  • How to Find a Queer and Trans Inclusive Daycare
    by Meaghan Ray
    Parenting is hard at the best of times. When you have to trust your child’s care and guidance to a group of strangers at a daycare, you want to know that all the hard work you’ve put in will be supported, not contradicted. As a queer and trans family, we believe in raising our child in a gender creative and expansive way. We believe in respecting and affirming their bodily autonomy and teaching and modeling … Continue reading How to Find a Queer and Trans Inclusive Daycare
  • Welcome! Who Are You and What Do You Need?
    by Meaghan Ray
    I have now been writing this blog for three years! I recently discovered that with all those posts, my blog was not very searchable (sorry about that!) I have fixed this somewhat but also wanted to provide a snapshot of what you might find here. Depending on your situation, identity, or what brought you here, you will be looking for different things. Scroll through the section titles in this post to find one that seems … Continue reading Welcome! Who Are You and What Do You Need?
  • Who’s Feeding the Baby and Other Influences on Parental Roles
    by Meaghan Ray
    Our parental roles have shifted a few times throughout our baby’s first ten months. In the first two weeks, I was exclusively feeding the baby from my body. As this was not a role that my husband could fulfill, he made considerable effort to take on as many of the other baby care and general household tasks as he could. That included diaper changes, baby baths, making meals, shopping, and getting the baby to sleep. … Continue reading Who’s Feeding the Baby and Other Influences on Parental Roles
  • Diastasis Recti, Body Image, and Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    Postpartum recovery is typically portrayed as a rapid return to pre-pregnancy weight and shape. For many people, this is not an accurate representation. Many people never return to pre-pregnancy weight or shape. Some do but have to put in a lot of work to make that happen. I have a short torso so when I was pregnant, I carried my baby out in front. I started showing early and was very round. I had many … Continue reading Diastasis Recti, Body Image, and Gender
  • My First Parental Celebration Days as a New Parent
    by Meaghan Ray
    I recently celebrated my first Nonbinary Parent’s Day and Mother’s Day as a parent so I thought I’d share what those days felt like for me as a nonbinary person. Some background: I am more comfortable being called a parent than a mother or a mom I identify with parts of ‘mom culture’ but the parts I don’t identify with feel really wrong to me, mostly for gender related reasons My parental term of choice … Continue reading My First Parental Celebration Days as a New Parent
  • Baby Clothes and Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    Baby clothes are predominantly marketed as being for girls or boys. Even though the babies that wear them are too young to have any concept of gender. Even though clothing isn’t inherently gendered. The only reason for this is so that families that have a second child of a different sex than the first have to buy a whole new set of clothes. Society has bought into this idea so strongly that a baby’s clothing … Continue reading Baby Clothes and Gender
  • Baby Haircuts and Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    My baby was born with lots of hair. That was always the first thing people commented on. It was dark and long and made them look a bit like a hobbit. At first I loved it. It was cute and made them look like a mini toddler. But when they started squirming and rolling, the hair at the back became matted on a daily basis. Combing it either took over an hour or led to … Continue reading Baby Haircuts and Gender
  • Postpartum Update: 5 Months
    by Meaghan Ray
    We’ve all seen the representations of postpartum people in media who are frustrated with not being able to lose ‘those last five pounds’ when they’re five weeks postpartum. Let me tell you now, this is not reality. At least not for me. My body did a whole lot more during pregnancy and birth than just put on a few pounds. Therefore, my body finding it’s way to a new, stable normal is not all about … Continue reading Postpartum Update: 5 Months
  • Discovering My Identity as a Parent
    by Meaghan Ray
    Recently, I’ve been thinking about my identity as a parent. Yes, as someone who has a child I am responsible for, I am automatically deemed a parent. But what does that actually mean for me as a person? What does it mean to identify as a parent? How does this new part of my identity mesh or clash with other components of who I am? As a queer person, I have an understanding that identity … Continue reading Discovering My Identity as a Parent
  • Childhood Influences on Parenting Experiences
    by Jake
    Note: This is the first guest post on the blog! If you listened to Season 1 of Let’s Talk Gender, you’ll have heard Jake talk about his transition. Now you get the first blog post from him. Enjoy! As trans people, we know that a person’s sex doesn’t dictate their gender and upholding societal expectations of gender would be hurtful to our child’s existence. The gender of the child is especially irrelevant in the early … Continue reading Childhood Influences on Parenting Experiences
  • When Caring for your Child Triggers Dysphoria
    by Meaghan Ray
    When we picture having a child we think of sleepy cuddles, bonding while feeding, and being an expert at diaper changes. The reality is not always so rosy. Maybe our baby has health struggles, we struggle with mental health postpartum, or, in my case, dysphoria gets in the way. There are multitude of ways dysphoria can be triggered when caring for your child, depending on how you experience the most dysphoria and what your child … Continue reading When Caring for your Child Triggers Dysphoria
  • Feeding My Baby as a Nonbinary Person
    by Meaghan Ray
    PLANNING When I was pregnant and looking ahead to having a newborn, it was very hard for me to tell how I would feel about nursing. I have dysphoria around my chest that fluctuates and when I read information on or listened to people talk about ‘breastfeeding’, my dysphoria would get worse. I didn’t always know if that was because I was feeling more masculine at the time I was absorbing the information, because the … Continue reading Feeding My Baby as a Nonbinary Person
  • How Being Trans Prepared Us for Parenting a Newborn
    by Meaghan Ray
    On August 27, 2020, a new member of the family was born. Our little one has a full head of hair and is doing well, as are we. But parenting a newborn, especially your first child, is not easy. There are many fears, frustrations, and sleepless nights. Of course, there are also the successes, excitement, and pleasant surprises. The first three months are said to be the hardest. The baby is the most dependent and … Continue reading How Being Trans Prepared Us for Parenting a Newborn
  • Third Trimester and Weird Pregnancy Symptoms
    by Meaghan Ray
    I’m so close to the end of pregnancy! And the very sudden transition to parenthood. That’s not terrifying at all. THIRD TRIMESTER Third trimester has been all about coping as best as I can and preparing for life ahead. I have continued to have pelvic and back pain what has slowly gotten worse. I have a lot of difficulty rolling over in bed, getting out of bed in the morning, and moving around first thing … Continue reading Third Trimester and Weird Pregnancy Symptoms
  • Staying Positive
    by Meaghan Ray
    The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard no matter what your experience is. You want it to be over but you’re nervous about the birthing process and having to care for the little being on the outside. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration, discomfort, and anxiety, especially when dysphoria is thrown into the mix. So I’ve been asking myself a couple questions to keep myself focused on the positive and excited for the … Continue reading Staying Positive
  • Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology
    by Meaghan Ray
    NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman. I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. … Continue reading Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology
  • Second Trimester Part 2
    by Meaghan Ray
    GENDER Not much has changed gender-wise since my last pregnancy update (see Second Trimester Part 1). Being more visibly pregnant leads to more female language and more dysphoria. I have been able to manage by finding clothes that are generally affirming (larger sports bras rather than maternity bras and larger and longer ‘men’s’ t-shirts rather than maternity tops) though I have had to switch to maternity pants with the fake button, tiny pockets, but comfortable … Continue reading Second Trimester Part 2
  • My Body, My Identity, My Experiences
    by Meaghan Ray
    Lately, I have struggled to feel excited and comfortable with the idea and experience of being pregnant. I have felt like the more visibly pregnant I get, the more invisible my nonbinary identity becomes, both to myself and others. Recently, someone in one of the online groups I am a part of stated something similar to what I have written below and it resonated a lot with me. I wanted to put these thoughts into … Continue reading My Body, My Identity, My Experiences
  • In My Body
    by Meaghan Ray
    Note: Although this post is specifically about my experience of being pregnant, you might find what I talk about relates closely with other major life events such as health challenges, injuries, and aspects of transitioning. I hope you find it interesting, if not relevant to your own experiences. Being pregnant is a weird experience. Everyone who is or has been pregnant experiences it differently, both physically and emotionally. There are both positive and negative aspects … Continue reading In My Body
  • Grief and Gratitude
    by Meaghan Ray
    This is not the experience of pregnancy I had hoped for. Everyone hopes for an easy pregnancy with no complications for the baby and minimal difficulty for themselves. Very few people get to experience this but that doesn’t change the hope or the emotional response when it doesn’t happen. More than anything, I want to enjoy being pregnant and be able to celebrate how my body is creating a new life. But it is hard … Continue reading Grief and Gratitude
  • Second Trimester Part 1
    by Meaghan Ray
    GENDER I have stayed close to the middle of the gender spectrum over the past few months with some fluctuations towards the female side. This has made me feel balanced and stable within my gender, much more so than last time (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender). But as I predicted, dysphoria has definitely gotten worse since telling people I’m pregnant and starting to show. The belly is not really an issue though it is the … Continue reading Second Trimester Part 1
  • Gender Vs Sex
    by Meaghan Ray
    No, this is not a ‘gender’ reveal post. First of all, what I would be revealing is the sex of my baby, not the gender. We can find out the sex of our babies before they are born based on seeing their genitalia on an ultrasound or having a genetic test done that tells us their chromosomal makeup. Both of these are markers of sex, not gender. The whole concept of finding out the sex … Continue reading Gender Vs Sex
  • Non-binary and Pregnant (Again)
    by Meaghan Ray
    That’s right! I am in my second trimester of pregnancy! HOW WE GOT HERE After the miscarriage (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender), we continued with IUI for two more cycles (taking a month off between each as before). When that didn’t work, we tried a medicated IUI cycle where I took a follicle stimulating drug. The goal was to force my body to produce and release multiple eggs. The drugs gave me hot flashes, dizzy … Continue reading Non-binary and Pregnant (Again)
  • Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person
    by Meaghan Ray
    If you have read any of the other posts in the Pregnancy and Parenting category, you’ll know that Jake and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. So naturally, we think ahead to what it will be like to parent as a trans man and a non-binary person. Below are some of the things we’ve discussed in relation to my identity as a non-binary person. Note: other non-binary parents may have … Continue reading Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person
  • Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies
    by Meaghan Ray
    Being pregnant is a huge undertaking for your body. It makes permanent changes to lots of areas, includes lots of discomfort and unpleasant experiences, and involves a decent amount of risk. It changes how you are viewed by society and how strangers interact with you. And it is (or can be) the first step in one of the biggest changes anyone can make in life – becoming a parent. So of course I have all … Continue reading Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies
  • Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    IT WORKED! We were pregnant! If you missed the story of how we got here, check out Getting Pregnant is Hard to do Without Sperm. The first thing we felt was excitement. The second was anxiety. Not because suddenly such a big thing was happening, but because we had spent so long stopping ourselves from being excited in order to avoid the pain of disappointment that any excitement we felt triggered anxiety. This reaction slowly … Continue reading Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender
  • Getting Pregnant is Hard To Do Without Sperm
    by Meaghan Ray
    When Jake and I first met we were unsure if we wanted kids. Once our lives stabilized it seemed a lot more feasible. Around the same time we spent some time with a couple small babies and had our parental instincts kick into high gear. Since both of us had a uterus and ovaries we had a choice of who would carry. Jake was more worried about being able to bond with the kid and … Continue reading Getting Pregnant is Hard To Do Without Sperm