Society – Page 4 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums

The first definition of gender that I came across that differed from the binary definition was the idea of gender as a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle. For a long time this made sense to me. As someone who identifies as a mix of male and female, I could conceptualize and communicate my gender to others using this model.

Original Genderbread Person graphic showing sex, gender, presentation, and sexual orientation as separate concepts, each with their own spectrum.

However, since hearing more stories from other non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid folks, this model seems limiting. What seems more useful is seeing gender as separate spectrums. Male from 0 to 10, female from 0 to 10, and ‘other’ or ‘third gender’ from 0 to 10. This model allows for representations of identities such as agender, demiboy or demigirl, and bigender.

This shift is also important when looking at gender presentation. We often talk about presentation in terms of masculine, androgynous, and feminine. Androgynous can mean a blending of more subtle feminine and masculine traits or it can mean mixing the more extreme aspects of masculine and feminine presentation. A single spectrum from masculine to feminine would not be able to represent the difference in these two examples. With separate scales from 0 to 10, you could place a dot at 5 on both scales, or place a dot at 10 on both scales.

Gender Unicorn showing separate scales for masculine and feminine aspects of gender identity, expression, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction.

Having two or more separate scales for gender identity and gender presentation does not exclude anyone. Cisgendered and cis-normative people can still represent their gender and presentation using this model. But it allows for the flexibility to represent many different non-binary and gender non-conforming experiences than a single spectrum does.

Have you ever used one of these models to rate different aspects of yourself? Is this newer model inclusive enough to represent your experience of the world? If not, what would you change? Have you ever asked your friends or family to rate themselves on a similar model? How did it go? Leave me a comment and tell me your experiences!

Pros and Cons of Pronouns on Correspondence

Lots of people have added their pronouns to their email sign-off or even their business cards in an attempt to normalize the practice of indicating your pronouns to others. This is encouraging for me to see but also makes me nervous. Here’s why.

Pros

It shows an awareness of how challenging it can be to have to derail a conversation, come out to someone about your gender identity, and hope they don’t make a big deal out of it
It shows an understanding of how important pronouns are to gender non-conforming and trans people
It makes an implicit promise that this person will respect your identity and pronouns and helps people identify allies
It takes the edge off the constant analysis about safety and creates a relationship and space that starts off as at least neutral

Cons

Doesn’t actually normalize pronouns until it is the standard
In a specific workplace, it would be possible to make this practice mandatory, however that would take away the indication of pronouns as a flag that this person is an ally
Indicating pronouns on correspondence could be uncomfortable or even unsafe for people who are questioning their gender identity or are not yet ready to come out to everyone
It can be difficult for gender fluid or gender expansive folks who use multiple pronouns or different pronouns depending on the day and their current presentation
It may lead to some non-binary erasure for non-binary folks that prefer pronouns that match their gender assigned at birth due to cisnormativity

I have seen some people at universities and some people within the queer community indicate pronouns on correspondence. I am happy when I see it but immediately wonder what I would put on my email sign-off. I prefer they/them pronouns but I’m comfortable enough with she/her that fighting to have everyone use they/them would not be worth it for me. Combine that with the fact that I work in a hospital and I am not yet out to the majority of people at work and I wonder if I would be comfortable putting they/them.

I know for sure that if I only put she/her I would feel invisible, inauthentic, and generally shitty every time I saw it. Because I would have actively chosen to put it there. I would have effectively misgendered myself on every email I sent. This would feel way worse that it does when the people I am not yet out to misgender me.

So, at the moment, if this became a mandatory workplace policy out of good intentions, I’m not sure what I would do. Whatever pronouns I decided to put down, I would definitely be having some in depth conversations with my manager and/or HR.

How do you feel about indicating pronouns on correspondence? Would you feel comfortable doing this yourself? Leave a comment below!

AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities

Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input.

I recently joined Instagram in an attempt to find more non-binary community. For the most part it has been immensely helpful and wonderful. But one of the things that surprised me was how uncomfortable it was for me to see images of AMAB non-binary folks playing around with their presentation. I was not uncomfortable because I thought they looked strange or weird (they didn’t, they looked awesome), I was uncomfortable because as a non-binary person I was expecting to empathize with them and instead, when I automatically pictured myself using similar strategies for presentation, it made me super dysphoric. This post is an attempt to explore that experience.

AMAB and AFAB people are going to feel dysphoric in different ways and are therefore going to use different strategies to mitigate that dysphoria. This can lead to vastly different, or sometimes completely opposite, gender expressions. For example, an AFAB person might wear a binder, wear traditionally male clothing, and limit their use of makeup. An AMAB person might wear traditionally female clothing, makeup, jewelry, or nail polish.

This is not to say that in order to ‘be’ non-binary, you have to alter your appearance to conform to the other binary gender from what you were assigned at birth. There is no one way to ‘be’ non-binary. There is no ‘right’ way to be non-binary. You can be AFAB, wear a dress and makeup and paint your nails and still be non-binary. But often, dysphoria is either related to aspects of our bodies and biology, or related to how we are viewed by society. Altering our body shape and presentation can help with the dysphoria or lead to gender euphoria and there are strategies that are common among AMAB people and vastly different strategies that are common among AFAB people.

Despite these differences that have made it hard for me to relate to images of AMAB non-binary people, there are many similarities in how we experience the world. We all had to struggle to figure out why we felt uncomfortable with either of the binary gender options that were presented to us. We all had to figure out how to communicate our identity to ourselves and others. We all struggle to have our identity recognized as valid by those around us and society at large. We all struggle against binary assumptions, expectations, and limitations.

There are some AMAB non-binary people who, having taken estrogen, have some breast development and occasionally wear a binder. Or some AFAB people who take low dose testosterone to lower their voice and change their body structure but don’t want facial hair and end up having electrolysis. So even with what seem like vast differences in our strategies to present authentically, non-binary folks can have experiences that overlap in important and interesting ways.

What similarities or differences have you experienced with other non-binary folks? Have you been able to connect with people who share your identity but were assigned a different gender at birth? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think!

When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong

‘True Trans’ Narrative

When you think of a generic trans person, what comes to mind? Is it someone who feels like they were born into the wrong body, who knew from a very young age that they were meant to be the other gender, who preferred the ‘wrong’ toys and the ‘wrong’ clothes? This is the stereotypical trans story. Within the trans community, this type of experience is called ‘True Trans’ implying that because their experience matches the stereotype, their identity as a trans person is somehow more valid than other people.

While it is true that people with the stereotypical trans experience will be questioned less as to whether they are sure and will have to explain their experience less often, this in no way makes their experience or identity more or less valid than any other. There is no hierarchy of transness.

Other Trans Narratives

Some trans people didn’t realize that their discomfort was related to their gender until they were a teenager going through puberty, or as an adult having kids, or as an older adult going through menopause/andropause. Some trans people don’t feel like they were born into the wrong body at all. Some trans people are only uncomfortable with how society views their body and how they are identified as a result of their body but are completely comfortable with their body on it’s own. Some trans people prefer the activities and clothes typically associated with the gender they were assigned at birth.

These trans experiences are poorly represented by mainstream media and therefore poorly understood or acknowledged by the general public. People with trans experiences that do not match the ‘true trans’ stereotype have a harder time understanding themselves, finding the appropriate words to convey their experience to others, and sometimes fall back on descriptions that match the stereotype just so they can get the validation they deserve from people in their lives and medical professionals even if this is not true to their experience.

The Role of Stereotypes

Identities are complex. Social structures such as gender, race, ethnicity, class, disability, sexuality, etc are all infinitely complex. Stereotypes provide a short hand for people who do not have personal experience with a specific identity can have a basic image or understanding of what other people are referring to.

Stereotypes are often the first step in increasing the visibility of a particular identity and eventually normalizing it. Initially this can be helpful but the stereotype quickly becomes something that the people who live that identity need to fight against and correct.

The Harm of Stereotypes

Stereotypes become harmful when people outside that identity don’t recognize it as a stereotype. They believe that the image or understanding they have of that identity is accurate to everyone with that identity. This is especially true for medical professionals who are in a position to refuse a diagnosis or treatment to someone when that person doesn’t fit the medical professional’s personal definition of ‘trans’.

As I mentioned above, stereotypes can also create a hierarchy within a marginalized identity where the people who’s experience match the stereotype are seen as more valid or more deserving of recognition. This can lead to people being excluded from the community that they need support from the most.

Broadening the Trans Narrative

Members of the trans community have pushed back against the stereotype using phases such as “I am trans enough” which got shortened to “I am enough” and “All trans people are valid”. These have been hugely important messages for many people to see and internalize. Just like cis men don’t have to be hyper-masculine to identify as a man, trans men shouldn’t have to ignore or hide their more feminine interests in order to be recognized as a man or seen as ‘trans enough’ to receive medical treatment (if they want it).

The increasing visibility of non-binary identities and non-binary trans people is also a huge step towards broadening the trans narrative and combatting the ‘true trans’ stereotype. Awareness and acceptance of a minority often ends up benefitting the majority in some way, for example sidewalk cutouts for ramps were originally mandated to improve accessibility for wheelchair users but end up making cityscapes much easier to navigate with a stroller, trolley, bicycle, skateboard, or roller blades. I believe that bringing awareness and acceptance of identities that fall in various places on the gender spectrum, identities that are fluid, and identities that don’t always match the person’s presentation will also benefit cis people by making it acceptable for them to explore interests and presentation options that would have previously been deemed ‘inappropriate’.

How have stereotypes been beneficial or harmful to you? What strategies have you used to correct people’s assumptions based on a stereotype? What other stereotypes of trans people have you found? Leave a comment below!

Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries

Sometimes those of us with experience and knowledge of trans related topics want to help educate those around us and sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. You should never feel like you have to compromise your own mental health for the sake of addressing someone else’s ignorance. But how do you politely tell people to bugger off and educate themselves through other means? And when you are comfortable having some of those conversations, how do you know what you’re comfortable sharing and what you’re not? How do you make them aware of your boundaries without derailing the conversation or damaging your relationship with that person?

Throughout my husband’s transition and my own gender explorations I have had many different conversations with many different types of people about gender and trans related topics. Many times towards the beginning of this process I was already knee deep in a conversation before I realized that I was well past the line that this person shouldn’t have crossed. I am a very open person and I am often comfortable sharing much more personal information with others than most people are so I wasn’t personally uncomfortable with the content. What concerned me more, and often only in retrospect, was that the person I was talking to had no awareness of which questions were appropriate and which ones they should have asked special permission for (and respected my response if I said no). If you have people in your life that have a similar lack of understanding of what is appropriate to ask about or say, see my post How to Interact Respectfully with a Trans Person, or, better yet, send that person the link.

How far do you go before you recommend resources and leave the conversation? That is completely up to you. Everyone will have different boundaries relating to their privacy depending on the type of information, their relationship to the other person/people in the conversation, and the setting where the conversation is taking place. Boundaries are healthy. They are self-protective. The more experiences we have that are threatening, the more self-protective we are likely to become.

The problem comes when you don’t know where your own boundaries are until they have been crossed. This can make you vulnerable, defensive, antagonistic, and can even put your safety at risk. Often, the other person/people in the conversation don’t even know they have crossed a line. Your sudden change in manner can be a shock to them and even to yourself.

How do you avoid this? Think about your boundaries in advance. Below are some guiding questions to get you started. I recommend you add to it any time you get asked a question that triggers a warning bell in your head. Revisit this exercise every few months, when you are nearing a major transition related event, or when you’re going to be interacting with people you haven’t seen in a while (family gatherings). For each question, try to answer it for a variety of different people in your life – a co-worker, a friend, a parent, your doctor, another member of the trans community, etc.

General Info: Are you comfortable…

disclosing your birth name?
explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

Medical Info: Are you comfortable…

talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of those medications?
disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?

Legal Info: Are you comfortable…

talking about legal documentation changes?
discussing transphobic politics and policies?

This is by no means an exhaustive list of topics that might come up related to your own or your partner’s transition or gender identity. If your partner is the one who’s information you would be sharing, go through this list with them so they can tell you what they are comfortable with you sharing with people in your life. My husband is typically a fairly private person (at least compared to me), but often had much looser boundaries when it came to me sharing info with my coworkers or friends if they were people that he was unlikely to interact with.

Now that you know your boundaries, what do you do or say when someone asks something that you are not comfortable talking about? Try saying exactly that – “Sorry, that isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with you.” Another phrase I use a lot (because there is rarely something I’m actually not comfortable talking about with someone) is “That is not actually something you should typically ask about a trans person.” They usually respond with “Oh, really? I had no idea.” You can also add phrases such as “Thank you for your concern” or “Thanks for trying to learn more about my experiences/trans issues” or “If you want to learn more about that I would recommend [appropriate resource].”

So whose responsibility is it to do the educating? I believe that no amount of reading on the internet can substitute for face to face conversation and personal anecdotes. But that doesn’t mean that it is always up to the minority to educate the majority. People from or connected to the trans community should not be responsible for providing all necessary information to everyone around them (especially medical professionals). That would be more than exhausting. But you will need to provide the people in your life with enough information to get them from unconsciously ignorant to consciously ignorant and explain how important it is that they educate themselves further. It will also help if you can provide them with specific resources that speak to you. They are much more likely to absorb the information they are getting from other sources if they are confident that it is relevant to your experience.

What other topics or questions would you add to the list? How do your boundaries change depending on your situation or the person you’re talking to? What phrases do you use to identify your boundaries to other people? Was there a situation where you shared something that you realized in retrospect had crossed your personal boundary? Tell me what happened in the comments below!

They/Them Pronouns

Pleural vs Singular, General vs Specific

They/them pronouns are typically seen as a plural pronoun because that is how we use it consciously. But unconsciously, we use it all the time when referring to a single person who’s gender is unknown. In this case, it is an umbrella term that is a stand in for the appropriate pronouns instead of saying he/she all the time. However, some people who don’t identify strictly as male or female may prefer they/them pronouns. In this case, it is a specific identifier, just like he and she.

If it is confusing for you to think of the same word having both a specific meaning and be an umbrella term, think of how we use the word Kleenex. Kleenex is a specific brand of facial tissue but most of the time, when we ask for a Kleenex, we are asking for whatever facial tissue is available.

It is the same with they/them pronouns. Most of the time, neutral pronouns are used as a stand-in or umbrella term to indicate a person regardless of their gender. But, occasionally, and this will be happening more and more, we are using it to identify a specific non-binary person. And having both uses for the same word is ok.

Sticking Points

When we use they/them as an umbrella term it is still the assumption that the person’s gender will be clarified to either be male or female. I’m hoping this will change as non-binary visibility and acceptance improves. If, in fact, their gender gets clarified to indeed be non-binary, it just means that you’ve been gendering them correctly the whole time and don’t need to change your pronoun usage, though the meaning will shift from an umbrella term to a specific pronoun.

If this dual meaning and the shift in meaning isn’t apparent to some people, they can be left with a sense of unfamiliarity when using they/them pronouns, as though they are using an umbrella term to refer to a specific person. They feel vaguely like they are waiting for more information about the person in order to clarify their gender, or that people who use they/them pronouns must have a vague gender identity.

Indeed, non-binary is an umbrella term as well. People of many different types of gender identities may choose to use they/them pronouns. But this doesn’t mean that their own sense of their gender is vague (see my post on How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders). They may choose to use non-binary as a label for ease of communication but have other labels that are more representative (for example, see The Labels I Use and Why for my personal explanation of this).

Some people feel like singular they pronouns are difficult to use or don’t feel right because they feel like they are calling a single person a plural pronoun. Again, this is just a misunderstanding of how we use they/them pronouns in everyday language. They are recognizing the conscious plural use but not realizing that they unconsciously use it in the singular form all the time. In my experience this just takes practice. Once you’ve heard people being referred to by neutral pronouns it makes sense.

How to Learn to Use They/Them Pronouns

Learning to use new pronouns, especially neutral ones, can be difficult. I have a few tricks.

Put the pronouns next to their name in your phone
Anytime you think of that person, say their name followed by their pronouns in your head 5 times
Work to change your mental image of the person to match their identity and their image of themselves so that it overrides your previous view of them (and potentially their physical presentation) and the correct pronouns are more likely to come out first
Hang out with people that are at least trying to use the correct pronouns
Be open to being corrected and get used to gently correcting others. Set ground rules that you will correct each other as needed (I am still terrible at this).

Do you use they/them pronouns or know someone who does? What was the process like for you in getting used to using they/them or teaching other people how to? Do you have any other tricks or ways of explaining it that have helped? Leave a comment below!!

How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person

Most of the people I talk to about my husband’s transition are open-minded and accepting but generally ignorant. They want to treat trans people respectfully but don’t know how. They want to learn more about my husband’s transition and my experience as his partner but don’t know how to ask the questions in a respectful way. So I thought I’d give you some suggestions or guidelines depending on your relationship with the trans person.

STRANGERS AND ACQUAINTANCES

Use the correct name and pronouns by which I mean use the name and pronouns that they ask you to use regardless of how they present at the time. If they don’t specify their pronouns you can ask or use the pronouns that is your best guess based on their presentation until they correct you. If they use other gendered terms to identify themselves then you should reflect their language back to them and use the corresponding pronouns unless they have specified otherwise.

You should not be asking anything about their transition including the name they were born with, whether they’ve had surgery (especially don’t ask if they’ve had ‘the’ surgery), whether their family is supportive, how old they were when they realized they were trans, or how long they’ve been on hormones.

Phrases to Avoid:

Are you a guy or a girl?
You look so good! I never would have known you were trans.
I have so many questions!

Phrases to Use:

My pronouns are ___. What pronouns do you use?
…blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….

FRIENDS, COWORKERS, AND EXTENDED FAMILY

If this is the level of your relationship, the trans person may have shared more about their transition process with you. This may include frustrations and struggles, medical components such as starting hormone therapy or having surgery, and legal components such as completing their official name change on various documents.

The most important thing you can do remains using the correct name and pronouns. Even better, correct the people around you if you hear them get it wrong. Not only will this help you and others adjust more quickly but it will also show the trans person they have your support and establish an expectation for everyone that it is not acceptable to misgender someone. Correcting people’s pronouns is exhausting for the trans person especially when they have to correct the same person repeatedly. To help you adjust, change their name in your phone/contact info and put their pronouns in brackets next to it. Each time you think of that person, repeat their name and pronouns in your head five times. Don’t worry about sounding awkward and hesitating if that’s what it takes to use the correct name and pronouns. If you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t derail the conversation and make it all about the trans person and their pronouns every time someone makes a mistake.

It is a long process with lots of barriers and frustrations. Drawing attention to how long the process is taking makes it harder for the trans person to deal with. Transition is not a step by step process or a recipe that people follow and does not always have a specific end point. Everyone’s transition process is different. Not everyone will be transitioning to male or female (they may identify as non-binary). Not everyone will take hormones. Not everyone will have top surgery or bottom surgery but some people might. The length of time between parts of their transition vary wildly. It is not your place to ask about this unless the trans person offers the information first. If they confide in you, it is not acceptable to share that information with anyone else without their permission.

Do not compare your frustrations with changing your last name after getting married to the trans person’s experience with changing their first name and gender. Forms that have categories for getting married do not have options for first name and gender changes. People that process name change paperwork are familiar with the process of last name change with marriage status but not first name change with gender. Talking about your name change with marriage does not put you at risk for discrimination or having people question your identity the way it does for a trans person. This example applies to almost any aspect of transition including hormone replacement, surgery, or other types of coming out experiences.

Try not to treat the person any differently once they transition or once you learn about their status as a trans person. Do not try to educate the trans person on ‘how to be’ their new gender. Do not second guess the trans person’s identity, even if their presentation or interests are not stereotypical of their stated gender. They have second guessed their identity enough, long before you became aware that they were trans.

Phrases to Avoid:

Why does your ID still have your old name?
When are you getting the surgery?
And your spouse/S.O. is ok with this?
I can get your name right but I just need a little more time to get your pronouns, you understand right?
You’re still not done yet? You’ve been working on this for a while!
I knew you as [birth name] for so long, it’s going to take a while to adjust
What bathroom are you using?

Phrases to Use:

I want to learn more about your experience. Do you have any resources I could look at?
Is there anything I can do to help support you?
…blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….

CLOSE FRIENDS AND IMMEDIATE FAMILY

Everything from the previous section applies to you as well, especially the part about name and pronouns. In addition, you may be one of the first people the trans person is coming out to. Your support is the most important factor in helping the trans person get through their transition. Literally. The suicide rate for trans people is extremely high. The number one factor that prevents suicide among trans people is family support. So learn as much as you can about the transition process and let them know they have your support, even if you are struggling to accept or understand their new identity. Let them know that they should tell you if you do something or say something wrong or upsetting. Make sure you spend time with them doing things that you both enjoy that have nothing to do with their transition. It is a good way to stay in contact and get used to changes as they happen but not make everything about being trans.

If there are aspects of their transition that you are struggling with, let them know and tell them you are working on it. Find other people to talk to about it. Unless they have given you permission to tell other people, this will likely be a therapist. If they know that you are struggling and need to talk to someone and you ask if you can tell a specific friend or one other family member, they may be open to it. Never tell someone that this person is trans without their permission. Once they start telling people, you may become a conduit for information for the rest of the family or group of friends. Talk to the trans person about how they want you to answer typical questions and how much information they are comfortable with you disclosing. This type of conversation will happen repeatedly as the group of people they have come out to grows.

Offer to go with them to medical appointments and other difficult tasks even if they seem trivial to you. It often takes a lot of courage to get those steps done and having backup definitely can help. If they ask you to, try to be willing to attend therapy or support group sessions with them.

Phrases to Avoid:

You’re not going to get surgery though, are you?
These changes are permanent! What if you change your mind?
You really should tell [specific person]. They deserve to know.
You don’t really need to get the surgery, since you’re married. If you were single it would be a different story.
You can come over for dinner, as long as you don’t talk about your transition.

Phrases to Use:

Would you like some company when you’re going to… (eg: HR, passport office, fingerprinting, registry for name change)?
I support you and your decision to transition but it will take me some time to adjust. Is there anyone you would be comfortable with me talking to about this so I can work through my own feelings faster and not put them on you?
Let me know when you are ready to start telling other people and I will help you with that in whatever way I can.
What can I do to affirm your identity? You have told me what not to do, but are things I can do that feel positive for you?

MEDICAL AND HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

If a patient enters your practice seeking treatment from you and you are either aware of their trans status or become aware of their trans status during the interaction, the first thing to do is confirm that you are using the correct name and pronouns and then stick to those. Make sure your patient database on your computer system reflects the correct name and pronouns. If you are unable to change them in your system for legal/billing reasons until the person has completed their legal name and gender marker change, find a way to indicate in your system what name and pronouns the patient uses so that all the staff in your clinic identify the patient correctly.

As a health professional it is your job to know what aspects of the patient’s status as a trans person are relevant to your medical field and which are not. Learn how to ask questions about the relevant areas in a respectful, straightforward way that makes it clear why it is relevant.

You should not be asking any questions related to any aspect of their transition or experience as a trans person that is not relevant to your area of practice. If you want to learn more you can ask the patient for resources they would recommend, but, better than that, you can do your own research just like you are expected to do when a patient has a history of a medical condition you are not familiar with. It cannot always be up to the patient to educate the professionals. It is not only exhausting for the patient but unprofessional.

Keep in mind that trans people will have had many unpleasant, inappropriate, transphobic experiences with other health professionals before you. They are coming into this interaction with their walls up expecting a negative experience. It only takes one misstep to confirm their expectations that this interaction will be like all the rest. If you realize you have made a misstep, apologize for it taking full responsibility and move on. Stay focused on why they are there to see you and only what is relevant to that condition/concern/complaint.

Phrases to Avoid:

Oh! You’re trans? That’s so interesting! I’d love to talk to you more about that.
Have you had the surgery?
When will your transition be complete?
Anything irrelevant to your profession or the reason they are there.

Phrases to Use:

I admit I have very little experience with trans patients so if I say something inappropriate please tell me right away or if you think there is something relevant that I haven’t asked about, please feel free to mention it if you feel comfortable doing so.
I’ve been trying to find information on trans people’s experiences with this condition. Are there any resources you would recommend?
I understand from your history that you are trans. Have we been using the correct name and pronouns for you? If yes, let us know anytime if that changes. If no, what name and pronouns would you prefer?

I hope this information helps you feel more confident that you will be able to treat trans people in a way that conveys your respect for them. Did you find any of this surprising? If there are areas you want to know more about, take a look at the Resources Page or search for other similar posts under the Partner tab.

If you are trans and reading this, what other suggestions do you have? What is your reaction when someone uses one of the phrases that I recommend people avoid?

At the Gym

I have always been an athletic person. I played baseball right from T-ball to high school, soccer in middle school, and was generally an outdoorsy kid climbing trees and exploring the woods around our cottage. I learned to swim, canoe, ski, and skate at our cottage, and learned how to sail, kayak, and ride horses at summer camp. This is where I first discovered archery which became my focus throughout high school and into university. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped training which also meant I became less fit and less active. In graduate school I briefly got involved in rowing and quickly remembered what I liked about learning new sports and being active. Then I moved and it’s been hard to keep up with. Now-a-days, in order to stay fit I have to go to the gym to workout. This is a very different experience from what I was used to growing up, especially with dysphoria added on top.

Gyms and other traditional workout spaces are not very friendly environments for people with dysphoria. There are change rooms separated into male and female, mirrors, revealing or fitted clothing, and a focus on your body which may be the greatest source of your discomfort. But at the same time, people who experience dysphoria often struggle with their mental health as a result and would greatly benefit from regular physical activity. Or maybe, being athletic is a part of their identity that is something stable that they can focus on when everything else feels like it’s in flux.

I enjoy working out at the gym. It makes me feel strong, satisfied, relaxed, alert, and more in tune with my body. It gives me a positive way to focus on my body and the strength in it instead of the ways it sometimes feels wrong. Working out at the gym is one of the best ways for me to relieve some of the tension that builds up from constant frustration, dysphoria, and safety math. I use the female change room but there is a gender neutral washroom down the hall that I could use if I want to. The gym is small and has mirrors along one wall which I avoid facing when I have more dysphoria. I generally wear a fitted sports bra and a loose shirt and basketball shorts or board shorts.

For some reason, different activities at the gym make me feel different aspects of my gender. On the female side there is steady, long duration cardio, lighter weights, core exercises, stretching, and pilates or yoga type exercises. On the male side there is heavier weights, more intense short duration cardio, and plyometric or agility type exercises. In the neutral category is balance, combination exercises, and interval type cardio.

Those lists of activities seem pretty stereotypical. To be clear, I am not suggesting that specific types of exercise are gendered in any way, just that this is how they feel to me and the effect they have on my gender. Not everyone will experience physical activity as having anything to do with their gender.

I’m not really surprised that my experience of my gender while working out is affected by stereotypes. Most of our experiences are in some ways. But knowing how different activities interact with my sense of my gender allows me to choose activities strategically. I can pick activities that will be in line with my current experience of my gender to minimize dysphoria. Or I can pick activities that balance out my experience of my gender. Typically this means picking activities that help me feel more masculine to offset being identified solely as female in my day-to-day life.

So, the majority of the time, I prefer the activities from the ‘masculine’ list. Until recently, I hadn’t identified this preference as a gender based thing. But that is definitely a component of it. Those activities help me feel more at ease with myself and more balanced whereas the other ones accentuate feelings of dysphoria or imbalance, generally towards the female side. In order to maintain my fitness the way I’d like, I’ll have to find ways of making the more ‘feminine’ activities feel more masculine for me or pair them with other masculine activities.

I have found other forms of activity that I enjoy as well. These are often more similar to the sports I enjoyed as a kid, home workouts, or workout classes specifically for queer/trans people.

My biggest difficulty is motivation, as it is for anyone trying to form a new habit of being physically active. When my mental health is suffering I mainly experience apathy. So even though this is when I need to workout the most, I have a hard time caring enough or building up enough energy to do it. I try to hold myself accountable by finding a workout buddy who won’t let me get out of it. Once I go I always end up feeling better and having more energy and less tension than when I started. Hopefully writing that down and sending it out into the world will remind me of that the next time.

How does working out or physical activity influence your sense of your gender? Do you struggle to be physically active as a result of dysphoria, environment, or mental health? What strategies have you found that help you maintain an active lifestyle? Leave a comment below with your thoughts and experiences!

Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture

What gap?

People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, experiences, or knowledge.

For the most part, mainstream culture sees gender as a binary, sees heterosexuality as ‘the norm’ or ‘the expected’, and understands basic labels such as gay and lesbian, occasionally bisexual, even less often, trans. There is rarely an understanding of gender as a spectrum, of how to respectfully describe a trans person, or the variety of labels for and experiences of sexual orientations.

why is there a gap?

Mainstream culture has mainly been exposed to queer experiences through media, as with most minorities. What is shown in media is usually controlled by the mainstream. So how can we expect mainstream culture to have an accurate or even partial understanding of queer/trans experiences? This is slowly changing as media outlets like Youtube allow minorities a way to speak for themselves (when the algorithm isn’t busy censoring them), as more celebrities and professional athletes come out and speak up in support of the queer/trans community, and as more queer/trans characters are included in media.

acknowledging and accepting the gap

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people builds a strong supportive environment but it can lead to an assumption that the rest of the world has similar views. If queer people are aware of this gap of understanding it is often easier to ignore the ignorance around them on a day to day basis than constantly feel threatened or misunderstood. But ignoring it leads to queer people using language that others are not familiar with or referring to common experiences that others find strange. This causes miscommunication, confusion, frustration, and ‘othering’ – a focus on the differences between people, how ‘different’ and ‘strange’ queer people are.

If you say something that a co-worker or acquaintance doesn’t understand such as using a label that is less common or making reference to an aspect of transitioning and your co-worker responds with confusion, try not to take it personally or make them feel stupid. Try to treat this as a flag of truce, an indication where the gap is. This lack of understanding can be frustrating but to narrow the gap we have to communicate using terms that everyone understands, not ignore the ignorance or get defensive and angry when someone demonstrates ignorance. Acknowledge that you have different experiences, different levels of exposure to this sub-culture, and use the opportunity to educate someone new (if you have the energy) or pointing them in the direction of resources. I am not always the best at this but I am working on it. Sometimes it still takes me by surprise when things that seem obvious to me are beyond common knowledge.

when does this gap become an issue?

Coming out (which can lead to being bullied, fired, or evicted)
Medical settings (which can lead to health concerns being missed, queer/trans people knowing more about their condition than the medical professional or avoiding medical care altogether)
When you need support and try to explain what you are struggling with to others and get a ‘that’s interesting’ response instead of ‘I understand and support you’

how to bridge the gap

Step 1: Identify the gap
- What is the knowledge level of the least aware person in the group?
- What do you want them to be able to understand?
Step 2: Connect the dots
- What are some key pieces of information that they need in order to understand your identity/information?
- Start with the basics – gender as a spectrum, the genderbread person, separation of sex, gender, orientation, and presentation
- Try to explain what it feels like in your shoes
  - How dysphoria feels (not specifically what about your body/situation causes dysphoria)
  - The confusion that you experienced before you had the language to understand your identity and communicate it to others
  - The fear of repercussions if you come out, the impact of having to stay in the closet
  - The impact of being misgendered, both prior to and after coming out
Step 3: Take away message
- Be super clear that the most important thing they can do is respect your name and pronouns (or whatever the most important aspect is for you)

tips and useful phrases

Tips:
- Have an exit plan. These types of conversations are intense and difficult. Have somewhere you can go afterwards to recover.
- Have a follow up plan. If they have further questions, where do they go, who can they talk to, who do they bring them up?
- Have back up. If the conversation/discussion doesn’t go well and turns into a bullying situation or you experience outright homophobia or transphobia, who can you go with those concerns?
- Written messages are easier for people to absorb but less personal. If you have a hard time finding the right words or are concerned that the situation may not be safe enough in person, try a written message instead. Keep in mind that an in-person conversation will likely be necessary at some point but at least they’ll have the basics and you can specify the terms of the personal conversation in the original message (ie one on one, boss present, at a specific meeting, etc).
Phrases:
- You don’t have to understand someone’s experience in order to respect them
- The most important thing you can do is respect someone’s name and pronouns
- If you get their pronouns wrong, correct yourself and move on. If someone else corrects you because you didn’t hear yourself make the mistake, apologize, correct yourself, and return to the topic at hand.

Have you experienced this gap in understanding? How did it affect you? What approach did you take to bridging or overcoming the gap? If you were on the receiving end of this type of conversation at some point, how did it feel for you? Were you able to absorb the information? Did you follow up with the person or look for further resources afterwards? Did it change your perspective or interaction with others? Leave a comment below to tell me your experience!

How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders

I’d like to explain a system for understanding non-binary genders that has really helped me make sense of myself and other gender non-conforming people. This system is only discussing gender which is a separate concept from sex. I treat gender as the internal sense of who someone is in relation to society’s views of the binary genders or the assigned gender based on their sex assigned at birth. I am also not talking about gender expression – how a person presents them-self to the world, only how they feel internally.

Typically in mainstream western society there are two accepted genders that match the two accepted sexes – male and female. This is what we consider to be the gender binary. So, when we are referring to anyone that doesn’t feel strictly male or strictly female, we can use the term non-binary or gender non-conforming. Not everyone will personally identify with these labels or use them for themselves but I will use them as a general category for the sake of this discussion.

So, rather than thinking of people as either male or female with no other options, I think of gender as a spectrum from male to female with ‘neutral’ at the middle. This allows for a sense of ‘femaleness’ or ‘maleness’ in any percentage that adds up to 100. But what if a person’s gender doesn’t feel part female and part male? What if they feels neither female nor male? Or fully female and fully male at the same time? These questions require a way to show ‘both’ and ‘neither’. I used to think of it as male to female on the x-axis with neutral in the middle and neither to both on the y-axis, crossing at the middle. When I tried to map some of the genders onto it I found it difficult or ambiguous. So I went searching for a better graphic and found this one:

It still has the ability to represent all the same things but with a lot less ambiguity or redundancy. I also like how it doesn’t represent male and female as opposite but on two completely separate axes.

There are infinite ways to represent gender on this chart. People with a static or consistent gender would place a dot at the spot where they sit. You can see some of them written on the chart – female, male, agender. Demi-boy would sit somewhere between agender and male, demi-girl between agender and female, gender neutral somewhere around the center of the chart.

People with a fluctuating sense of gender could outline or shade in the area that applies to them. Here is how I would represent myself at this point in my discovery process:

Genderqueer Spectrum — My Gender on the Spectrum

I have two stable components to my gender – one halfway between female and neutral and one halfway between male and neutral (represented by the dots). This is the core of my gender but my day to day experience of it is more like the second chart. When I combine two genders into one person one will be more dominant at a given time (represented by the outlined area).

Other examples:

Male to Demi-boy

Gender Spectrum demi-boy — Male to Demi-boy

Bigender with a stable female component and a fluctuating neutral to agender component

As you can see, gender can be infinitely complex and variable. Some of these genders could be represented in a few different ways. Some genders such as third genders may not fit anywhere on this diagram. But it helped me understand my own gender and maybe it will help you as well.

The best thing to do when meeting someone who identifies as non-binary is to use their preferred name and pronouns, and, if you have a more personal connection, ask them how they experience their gender. If you have never felt at odds with your own gender or how your gender is perceived by society you may not be able to viscerally understand how they feel but respecting their pronouns and giving them the opportunity to explain their identity to you in their own words goes a long way to earning their trust and showing your respect and support.

Did this change how you think about gender? Tell me what you think in the comments!

How would your gender look on this diagram? Draw your own representation and post it in the comments below with the labels you use or an explanation!