Personal – Page 3 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

New Year, New Goals

Happy New Year!

Though not specifically gender related, I thought I’d talk about my current goal setting process. This is something that has helped me maintain a sense of progress and control which is especially important during unpredictable fluctuations in my gender, frustrating stages of transition, or other stressful life events.

Step 1: WHAT is your goal?

During the second half of December and first half of January, I think about the different areas of my life that I want to set goals for. Mine are typically health, creative projects, and housework. I pick 1-3 goals per category but no more than five total. For example, last year in the health category I had a weight goal and a cardio goal. This year I have a general fitness goal.

Goals should always be something that is important to you, not something you think you should do. They should be something you can easily state in a few words and something that you will feel motivated to work on for a whole year. If there is something you are working towards that will be completed halfway through the year (a competition or event), think about what you might want to work on for the rest of the year once that is done (whether or not you achieve the result you wanted).

Step 2: WHY is the goal important?

For each of your goals, write down as many reasons you can think of as to why this goal is important to you. How will it enrich your life? Will it improve your mood, help you connect with someone, decrease your stress, give you a sense of purpose, help you achieve an even larger goal, decrease dysphoria, build community, or increase your energy level?

Take some time with this step. Be holistic. I usually have 3-5 per goal. The things you write in this section will keep you motivated to achieve your goal when it gets hard or get back on track if you get derailed.

Step 3: HOW will you achieve your goal?

This is where you come up with strategies to achieve your goal. Trying to achieve a goal through sheer willpower is ineffective and exhausting. When forming a new habit or trying to make steady progress towards a goal, there are internal and external factors that will make it harder. This is called friction. For example, not having your exercise clothes with you when you could go to the gym or having snack food around that you constantly have to resist in order to eat healthier.

The strategies you are looking for are ones that decrease the friction for you and make the goal easier and as automatic as possible to achieve. These should be as concrete and personalized as possible. They might take some trial and error to figure out but don’t take too long to settle into a routine.

One habit forming hack is to connect the new behaviour to something you’re already doing. If you have an established morning routine and you want to meditate ten minutes a day, get up ten minutes earlier and fit it into your morning routine. If you have a weekly planning routine, plan out which days you are going to exercise instead of leaving it to chance.

Another good strategy is accountability. Find a buddy to exercise with. Find a friend with a similar goal and set up a regular time to meet up and review both of your progress and help each other solve roadblocks. If you’re even more brave, you can post your goals on social media with regular updates.

And lastly, rewards. If you respond well to rewards, include these in your strategies. Try to find rewards that won’t make another goal harder to achieve – for example, rewarding yourself for completing ten workouts by going out for dinner when you’re trying to decrease spending or change your eating habits. The best rewards are ones that support the same goal – rewarding yourself for a fitness goal by getting new workout equipment, new workout clothes, or new headphones (again, not a good plan if you’re trying to decrease spending but you get the idea). Another option for rewards is to have someone else decide on rewards for you which they will provide when you achieve a milestone (adds some anticipation, randomization, and excitement). This is a nice combination of the rewards and accountability strategies.

Step 4: WHEN is your goal complete?

How will you know when you have achieved your goal? This is the stage where you decide how you will measure your progress and end point. Every goal is measurable, you just have to figure out how. Different types of goals can be measured in different ways.

A specific process or habit based goal can be measured by doing the habit a certain number of times per week. If you multiply this by 52 weeks in the year, you will get your goal for the whole year. Or you can keep it as a weekly target and measure it by how many weeks of the year you met the target. This also works for daily or monthly goals.

A more general process or habit based goal that doesn’t have a weekly target can be measured in percentages. You might have to set up a tracking system for various parts of the goal to do this. The one that I do this with is my housekeeping schedule. My goal is to ‘maintain a clean house’. Doesn’t seem measurable, right? I set up a cleaning schedule that includes some weekly tasks, some monthly tasks, and some seasonal tasks. I have a grid of 52 weeks for each weekly task, a grid of 12 for each monthly task, and so on. I colour in the corresponding square when I complete the task. I then calculate how many I completed out of how many I was expected to complete and multiply by 100 to get a percentage. In the ‘when’ section for this goal, I have determined three targets for weekly tasks and three for monthly tasks – a minimum, good, and awesome percentage as a benchmark.

For an outcome based goal you will likely already have a measurable end point in mind – finish a project, run a marathon, achieve a certain weight. The difficulty with these is that the target is so far away that it’s hard to tell if you’re making any progress. So you’ll have to break it down into smaller pieces. Set as many measurable milestones as makes sense for your goal. Attach a timeline to each of these milestones so that you know if you’re still on track to reach the outcome.

Step 5: REVIEW PERIOD

How often will you revisit your goals and review your progress? Waiting until the end of the year doesn’t give you the opportunity to adjust your effort, strategies, measurement, or expectations. For some goals I have a weekly tracker or a monthly tracker built in but I will be reviewing all my goals and assessing my progress quarterly. This is a nice frequency because it roughly matches up with the seasonal changes and isn’t too far apart to forget why it’s important or get too far off track if my strategies aren’t working.

You know that burst of motivation that you get at the beginning of the year when everyone is talking about goals? Revisiting your goals and assessing your progress a few times a year gives you another smaller burst of the same motivation.

What are your goal setting and planning strategies? Leave a comment below if you have something different that works for you! I’m always looking for new ways to set, maintain motivation, and achieve my goals.

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Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises

If you haven’t read it yet, check out Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects. I will refer to the same areas of the body and some of those effects in this post.

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS

Try to wear it as short a time as possible. Most recommendations state no longer than 8 hours but if you work 8 or 10 or 12 hour days, that just isn’t possible. Just know that the longer you wear it, the worse the above effects will be.
Try to wear it as few days as possible. If you have severe dysphoria and can’t leave the house without a binder on, try to have one day a week where you stick close to home so you can stay binder free. Or try other slightly less compressive options as many days of the week as possible.
Avoid exercise while wearing a binder. Your lungs cannot expand the way they need to during exercise which forces your heart rate to go up significantly more to compensate. Also, you will have poor spinal and shoulder mobility, causing stress and damage to other joints, muscles, and tendons.
Do not bind while sleeping. When we sleep we are not aware of discomfort. You could be causing damage and not know about it. Also, while you are unconscious and thus not aware of dysphoria, this is the ideal time to take a break from binding.
Never bind with ace bandages. The tension in the wrap can shift over time causing one layer to loosen and another to tighten beyond what is safe.

EXERCISES

Deep breathing

Benefits lungs, ribs, and pelvic floor.

For the following exercises:

Best done in a seated position but can be done lying on your back.
If you start to get light-headed, breathe normally until it clears.
If you have COPD, skip the first exercise and focus on breathing all your air out between each deep breath in.

Active Breathing Cycle

Take a deep breath
Hold it in for 2-3 seconds
Let all the air out by compressing the lungs until they are empty
Take a full deep breath, then breathe normally for 5 breaths
Repeat 3-5 times

Diaphragmatic breathing

Place a hand on your upper belly, just below your breastbone
On each breath in, take a deep breath, pushing your tummy out into your hand
Try to minimize the rise or widening of your chest
Try to only move your tummy to breathe
Cycle of 5 belly breaths and 3 regular breaths
Repeat 3-5 times

Lateral Costal Breathing

This one is a little harder and may take some practice
Place your hands on the sides of your ribs (either by bending your elbows or giving yourself a hug)
On each breath in, take a deep breath, trying to make your chest as wide as possible and pushing your ribs out into your hands
Try to minimize the rise of your chest and the expansion of your belly
Cycle 5 wide breaths and 3 regular breaths
Repeat 3-5 times

Spine and rib movements

Restores general mobility to the spine and ribs.

Thoracic Side Bending

In a seated position, hold on hand on your ribs at the side.
Bend towards that hand, bringing the other arm up and over your head.
Hold stretch for 10-20 seconds while breathing deeply.
Repeat to the other side.
Repeat each side 3-5 times.

Thoracic Rotation

In a seated position, cross your arms high on your chest so you’re grasping your shoulders.
Gently rotate as far as you can one way, and then slowly as far as you can the other way.
As you go, you should feel less resistance and be able to rotate a bit further without pain or muscle cramping.
Repeat 15-20 times.

Flexion and Extension

In a seated position, reach forward, curling your neck, shoulders, and upper back as you breathe out.
Take a deep breath in, opening your arms, pulling your shoulders back, and arching your upper back.
Complete 5 repetitions, take a break to breathe normally for 3-5 breaths, then repeat 2 more times.

Spinal Twist

Lie on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your arms spread out on the floor.
Keeping your shoulders flat on the floor, let your knees, hips, and lower back rotate down to one side.
Take a deep breath in and out, then pull your knees up and rotate them the opposite direction.
Alternately, you can start by lying on one side and, keeping your knees on the floor, lift the top arm and rotate your shoulders across to try and get them flat on the mat and then repeat on the opposite side.
Repeat 5-10 times.

Neck Range of Motion

Tip your ear to your shoulder, roll your head down to the middle, then the opposite ear to your shoulder, and back up to the middle.
Breathe slowly and evenly throughout.
Pay attention to where you feel muscle pull. Don’t force the stretch in these areas but pause in the circle to take a full breath in and out in these areas.
Repeat 5-10 times, alternating direction.

Chin Tuck and Neck Extension

Without looking down or bending your neck forward, tilt your head to tuck your chin in (like you’re trying to create a double chin).
With one or both hands, grasp the back of your head and gently pull up. You should feel a stretch right at the base of your skull.
You can also add a bit of sideways pull.
Hold the stretch for 5-10 seconds. Repeat 3-5 times.

Spine mobilization

Targets the thoracic (mid) spine and posterior ribs to decrease stiffness and stretch the ligaments.

For the following exercises:

You will need a foam roller
You will be lying on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your feet on the floor with the foam roller horizontal under your spine.
Only put pressure on the spine where the ribs connect to the spine, not down on the lower back or up on the neck.

Spine Rolling

Lift your hips of the mat so the only place of contact is your feet and the roll.
With your hands behind your head or crossed over your chest, gently roll up and down the roll by walking your feet along the floor while breathing deeply.
Spend more time in areas that feel stiff or sore.
Repeat 10-15 times.

Foam Roller Extension

Place the roll just above your bottom ribs.
Take a deep breath in, then slowly arch back over the roll as you breathe out. Only go as far as you are comfortable.
In the arched position, take a full deep breath in and arch a bit more when you breathe out.
Return to the start position and move the roll slightly higher on your spine. Repeat.
It should take 4-6 repetitions in different spots to cover your spine up to the shoulder blades.
Repeat the whole spine 3-5 times.

Shoulder mobility and mechanics

Shoulder and Arm Circles

Roll your shoulders forward, up, back, and down. Repeat 10 times.
Picture a clock face on your shoulder where 12 is up, 3 is forward, 9 is back, and 6 is down. Pull your shoulders into the 10:30 position. Hold them there while you raise your arms up to the sides.
With your shoulders stable and your thumbs pointing up, move your arms in circles from big to small and back to big. Change direction and go big to small to big again. Repeat 3-5 times.

Protraction and Retraction

Give yourself a hug, grasping your shoulders and pulling them forward to stretch your back. Take a deep breath in and out.
Pull your arms back and squeeze your shoulder blades together, stretching your chest. Take a deep breath in and out.
Repeat 5-10 times.

Overhead Reach with Scapular Rotation

Raise one arm out to the side and overhead.
Focus on rotating your shoulder blade so the point of your shoulder moves towards your ear.
Place your other hand just below your armpit. You should feel the edge of your shoulder blade push into your hand.
Repeat 5-10 times each side.

Don’t feel like you have to do all of these every day. Pick a few and do what is manageable. Focus on the ones that treat the area that is causing the most pain for you. The more you do them, the better.

If you have any questions, please leave me a comment and I will clarify or provide modifications. If you have any other exercises that you have found helpful, please also share those in the comments!

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Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects

Wearing a binder is sometimes the only way that a person with dysphoria related to having breasts can leave the house. The psychological and emotional impacts of dysphoria are often worse than the physical discomfort from the binder. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore the binder’s effects on our body.

I strongly believe that the more you know about something, the more you can do to make it better.

If you are someone who wears a binder, occasionally or regularly, and just suffers through the physical discomfort in order to manage dysphoria, I’m here to tell you there are ways to make the physical pain less. I can’t guarantee the strategies I talk about will get rid of it, but they will prevent worsening and decrease the pain.

This post is not designed to scare you. It is designed to give you accurate anatomical and physiological information about the various ways a binder can affect your body. In the next post, I will give you concrete ways to minimize these effects.

Disclaimer: I am a physiotherapist and as such have a strong understanding of anatomy and physiology. I am someone who wears a binder and has experienced these effects. I have not done any scientific research on the effects of binder use nor read any scientific research on this topic. I have attended a lecture by researchers who have looked at binder use and I have talked to many trans people about their experiences.

LUNGS

Your lungs are like an upside down tree. They have a main trunk, large branches, then smaller branches, all leading to little round bubbles called alveoli. They are roughly pyramid shaped with the smallest part at the top by your collar bone and the largest part in line with the bottom of your breastbone. They are a self-cleaning organ that requires a consistent exchange of clean air to remain healthy.

When you wear a binder, your lungs cannot expand to their full capacity. The restriction is mostly in a circle around the widest part of the lungs. In order to breathe, you have to expand more through the upper parts of your lungs which are much smaller. This restricts your body’s ability to get more oxygen when exercising and can make you lightheaded. The parts of your lungs that stay closed can become sticky and develop mucus which holds and breeds bacteria. Without taking time to fully expand your lungs when you take off the binder, this could develop into a chronic cough or pneumonia.

SPINE

Your spine is made of vertebrae stacked on top of each other with discs between the bodies and many ligaments and muscles connecting them together. It has a natural inward curve in the neck, outward curve in the upper back, and inward curve in the low back. The different areas of the spine are designed to move in different ways but over all it can bend forward and back, side to side, and rotate. These large movements are created by a small amount of movement between each vertebra.

When you wear a binder, it restricts the movement in the mid spine or upper back forcing the areas above and below to compensate and move more. The areas above and below become hypermobile which can cause pain. Because of the lack of movement in the mid-spine (the section under the binder), the ligaments and muscles become tight, short, and weak which will cause stiffness and pain even when not wearing the binder.

RIBS

Your ribs connect to your spine in the back and your sternum in the front. The joints in the front are more flexible than the ones in the back. The ribs are designed to move out and up when we breathe in. They have ligaments connecting them to the spine, cartilage connecting them to the sternum, and muscles connecting them to each other.

When you are wearing a binder, your ribs are restricted and compressed. The ligaments and muscles can tighten and shorten over time, decreasing your lung capacity even when not wearing the binder. The joints at your spine stiffen up, forcing the joints at the front to move more than they should in order to expand your chest to breathe. This can cause sharp pain by the sternum, or costochondritis. If you use something other than a safe binder to bind with, wear a binder that is too small, or wear your binder too long or too often, you can also cause fractures in your ribs.

SHOULDERS

Your shoulders are designed to have a large range of motion. In order to do get your arms above shoulder height and reach above your head, the structures around the shoulder have to rotate up and out of the way. This includes the shoulder blade, collar bone, and upper ribs. When these three structures rotate up, the tip of your shoulder comes towards your ear.

When wearing a binder, there is more pressure downwards on the collar bone and compression around the ribs. There can also be tension on the skin under your arm and around your shoulder. This all causes restriction in the ability of those structures to move up and rotate when you raise your arm. This can lead to a feeling of weakness in your arm, pain at the shoulder joint from tendons being pinched, and a loss of the body’s natural mechanics, and therefore strength, for overhead movements.

PELVIC FLOOR

Your pelvic floor is made up of many different muscles that form the bottom of your abdominal and pelvic cavity. If you think of this cavity as a pop can, the diaphragm is the top and the pelvic floor is the bottom with the abdominal muscles forming the sides and your organs inside. When you take a deep breath in, your diaphragm pushes down on your abdominal organs, increasing the pressure in the abdomen and pelvis. Your abdominal muscles and pelvic floor muscles absorb this pressure by expanding slightly while maintaining their contraction.

When wearing a binder, your diaphragm is not able to flatten fully and you are unable to take a full deep breath. This means that your pelvic floor muscles do not get the regular exercise of maintaining a contraction while stretching. They become weaker, tighter, and shorter. This can lead to pelvic pain from trigger points in the muscles, pain on penetration, and sometimes incontinence.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND EXERCISES

Again, this post was not designed to scare you. In Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises, I give you concrete ways to minimize these effects – general recommendations for binder use and a variety of exercises I recommend to counteract some of the effects discussed above.

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The Coming Out Equation

Coming out is not a one time thing. The closet metaphor may be accurate for how it feels with each instance but it is not a good metaphor for the lifelong process and constant decisions.

Coming out is a matter of degrees. You can be completely open about your identity or experience or just hint at one part of it. You can also be out to a different extent to different people.

Deciding how ‘out’ to be can be a complicated process. How ‘out’ is it safe to be in this situation? How much energy do you have for the questions that will follow? Is it worth the risk? How much benefit will all the effort give you?

The way I see it, it is a matter of need and benefit on the ‘pro’ side vs cost and risk on the ‘con’ side. For me, this equation usually tips to the con side at the moment. But I’ve been working on being more aware of the balance and, when it does tip to the pro side, taking the opportunity to come out to more people.

PROS

Need

Because my gender shifts between male and female so I am comfortable being seen as female about 30% of the time. When I am uncomfortable it is a moderate discomfort so my need to come out is at a low to moderate level at the moment.

Benefit

The benefit of coming out is always hard to determine accurately. It is hard to predict the future. Some things that can help is seeing out people respond to hypothetical conversations or how they respond to a mutual friend or family member coming out before you do.

As a nonbinary person, the benefit of people accepting me for who I am 100% of the time would be just as strong as for any binary trans person but the likelihood of that happening is significantly less. This is simply due to the lack of awareness and the reliance on the binary for so many aspects of western society (see my posts on passing as non-binary and how to explain your fluid gender identity for more discussion on this). So, while the benefit would be huge, I would generally rate it as low likelihood of receiving that benefit.

CONS

Cost

I think of the cost of coming out as an emotional cost. How much effort will it take to get people to understand and eventually lead to the benefits? For similar reasons to the benefit being low, the cost of coming out for me is generally high. I am often the first nonbinary person they have met so I have to start at gender 101 for them to understand why it’s important what I’m saying and why it’s important that they make an effort to use they/them pronouns.

The other thing to take into account in terms of emotional cost is how it feels to be misgendered after coming out to someone vs before. When someone is unaware of my identity, being misgendered feels uncomfortable. When I have come out to someone and still get misgendered it feels terrible. Given the high likelihood of being misgendered as a nonbinary person, this also contributes to the cost being high.

Risk

I think of the risk of coming out as the physical or safety risk. I am lucky to live in an area where being visibly queer does not inherently put me at high safety risk. I would not likely lose my job, my family support, housing, or access to medical care. So the risk of coming out for me is low.

FTM VS NONBINARY

The stage at which this coming out equation is most relevant is the time between when you come out to yourself and the time when you are fully out to everyone in your life (or as out as you ever want to be). I call this stage ‘limbo’. My husband’s limbo stage lasted about about 9 months. Mine has so far been going for about a year and a half with no end in sight.

So what makes such a huge difference? On the pro side, his need was much higher than my own. He was not at all comfortable being identified as female and it only got worse the longer it went on. His benefit was high but had much higher likelihood of paying off. On the con side, his cost was still pretty high but not as high as mine as it is generally easier for people to understand identities that fall within the binary. And, since he has a similar situation to me, his risk was fairly low. So his equation balanced in the ‘come out’ direction much faster than mine has.

SHIFTING THE EQUATION

So what shifts my equation to create those situations where it is worth it for me to come out?

The biggest one is the cost going down. If I am talking to someone who is queer or someone with previous trans knowledge, I have to do a lot less educating. In this situation the likelihood of experiencing the benefits also goes up.

The other time I am likely to come out is when my need is significantly higher (usually as a result of a triggering situation or bad dysphoria).

I will often try opening up about other ‘difficult’ topics to see what kind of response/support I get from someone as a way of testing the waters. If their interaction with me changes for the worse, my likelihood of coming out to them as nonbinary goes down significantly. So don’t take less important seeming conversations any less lightly.

Maybe some day, when the general population is more knowledgeable about nonbinary identities or if my gender shifts more consistently in the male direction, I will come out publicly. Until then, I will be paying attention to this equation situation by situation, person by person and take it one decision at a time.

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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Getting Through the Dark Months

Growing up I never really noticed mood effects from the winter. The shortest days were still at least 10 hours of sunlight. Then I moved north and now the days get shorter much earlier and the shortest days are only 7 hours of sunlight. It’s amazing what those extra 3 hours can do.

In the last few years I’ve noticed my mood, motivation, and energy level dropping around mid October. By November, if I haven’t consciously started working to counteract these effects, I am starting struggle at work and lose interest in the projects and goals that I set for myself.

The first year I noticed this was the year after Jake started transitioning. He was doing better, the family had come around, and I was burnt out from the ongoing stress and emotionally charged conversations that I had with family, coworkers, or friends almost daily. So when fall started getting darker, I had a very steep downhill slide.

In the years since, I have gotten better and better at dealing with this time of year. Here are some of my strategies:

GENERAL

Get as much sunlight as possible. I know, easier said than done but this means sitting next to a window during breaks at work, opening the blinds during the day if I’m home, or going for walks at lunch.
Use a full spectrum light.
Take Vitamin D.
Keep up with your house chores. Having a clean environment will support all the other strategies.

MOOD AND RESILIENCE

Get lots of sleep. Or, if you’re the type of person that can’t get themselves to stop sleeping during this time of year, keep a regular sleep routine.
Listen to music.
Quality social time. For me this is hanging out with a friend or a small group over coffee, a meal, or board games.
- As an introvert, this one has taken me the longest to figure out. I have to make sure it’s not in a really crowded or noisy environment and that I don’t do this too many days in a row but staying at home alone in the evening or all day on the weekend for more than one day starts to have a negative effect that is much stronger during the dark months.
Stay connected with support groups or therapy if needed. Diversify your support so that you have many different times and places you can get support throughout the month.
- I have a number of different groups I am involved in or helped create that run as specific times each month. It works out that I have two things on the first and third weeks, two things on the second week, and one thing on the fourth week of each month. This gives me a variety of types of support I can engage with so that I can always look forward to something that is less than a week away. It also means that if I don’t feel up to it, I can skip one of these groups without losing the one source or support I get each month.

MOTIVATION

Break up large projects into even smaller goals than usual.
Get rewards for goals that are achieved.
Focus on one project at a time. Pick which one will be the focus on a particular day and stick with that. By the end of a week, I’ll have worked on each project at least once.
Listen to podcasts that relate to your projects.
Work on your projects around other people (if possible). For me this means taking my laptop and writing at a cafe or taking my current crafting project over to a family member or friend’s house to visit while I work on it.

ENERGY LEVEL

Exercise!! My body goes into hibernation mode when it’s cold out and I want to curl up in a ball with a cup of something warm and watch TV. But the more I let that happen, the lower my energy level is and the less I feel like I can get through my day and get everything done that I want to do.
- I look at the week in three chunks: I have to exercise once on Monday or Tuesday, once on Wednesday or Thursday, and twice between Friday and Sunday. This is way easier and more likely to work for me than saying I need to exercise 4 times this week.

This is a pretty exhaustive list of what I am currently doing. I use a bullet journal to keep myself organized and objectively track my progress on projects, my mood, and my habits such as sleep, exercise, and social time. Having an objective tracking system is particularly important for me during these months when the default setting feels like it is hopelessness, despair, loneliness, irritability, and negativity.

I hope this helps you stay positive, productive, and light over the next few months. We are all in this together. Please leave a comment with your own strategies! I’d love to hear what helps you – maybe it will work for me too!

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Talking About Your Gender Identity: When, Why, and How

Talking about your gender identity can be hard, draining, scary, and even jeopardize your safety. But it can also be hugely rewarding, allowing you to be open, honest, more comfortable, find the support you need, as well as educate others.

So how do you decide if it’s worth having those conversations? How do you know when the right time is? And how do you actually start the conversation or respond to a probing question?

The first and most important factor is safety. What risk is there to your safety, stability, and well-being, either physical, emotional, or financial, if the other person’s response is poor? Have you taken steps to protect yourself, provide alternatives, or ensure time to heal afterwards if their support is withdrawn or they become a threat? Are there other people around who might overhear that you would prefer not to tell?

You will always have fear with big conversations. We all do, no matter what the difficult topic is. But when you no longer want fear to stop you, that doesn’t mean you should simply ignore it and forge ahead. Fear is there for a reason and listening to it and taking steps to mitigate the risks as much as possible before opening that door is always a good idea. You will never feel 100% safe or be free of fear so at some point you have to decide you have taken as many steps to protect yourself as you can and press on.

The next thing that you might want to think about is your expectations for having the conversation. What do you want the result to be? What toll will it take on you? Is the outcome worth the cost? Do you expect an immediate response or are you planning to provide information for the other person/people to think about before responding? Knowing what you want the outcome to be and combining that with a realistic view of what is likely, given what you know about the people you are talking to, will help you steer the conversation in the direction you want and know when to back out.

The emotional cost of these conversations will be highest when you are talking to someone who is close to you and has high emotional impact or someone who has control over an area of your life where a negative response could have disastrous consequences. Something that might help you weather the hardest conversations is practicing with less intense versions. Tell friends or more distant family members first. This will give you a chance to find the right words, respond to questions and reactions, and learn how much of a toll it takes on you.

You can support yourself emotionally in a few different ways:

Make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in your own skin at the time of the conversation.
- The more confidence you have the better so do whatever it takes to feel your best.
Have a friend or support system on standby to spend time with or be in touch with after the conversation.
- Having the opportunity to debrief with someone you trust can help you process the outcome and implications of the conversation.
Build in some self-care time in the 24 hours after the conversation.
- Journaling, creating, exercising, being in nature, doing something you enjoy can all help you regain a sense of balance and get back in touch with the core of who you are if you feel overwhelmed or thrown off kilter by the conversation.

These conversations are never easy. You can have them face to face right from the start or break the ice with an email or letter before following up face to face. You can figure out exactly who you are and what you want to say before talking to anyone or you can start having difficult conversations while you are still figuring things out (just be sure to be clear that it is an ongoing process and things might change). You can set a specific time with the person to talk about ‘something important’ or you can play it by ear and bring it up if there’s an easy segue. Leaving it to chance means the conversation has a high likelihood of not happening so if you’ve built yourself up to it and feel as prepared as you can be, setting a specific time or coming right out with it might be a better option.

If the topic comes up and presents you with a useful opening, always take a moment to consciously decide if you do want to talk about anything personal. How much do you want to disclose? Who is around? Is it a safe environment? Do you have the emotional reserve for this conversation right now? Will you have the opportunity to recover later? Would you decide to tell this person even if the opportunity didn’t present itself?

Because the conversations are so hard to initiate, we can sometimes feel like if the opportunity presents itself we should take it. But you should never feel pressured to disclose anything about your gender identity, even if the pressure is as mild as a good segue.

I promise these conversations get easier with time and practice. They are never without some risk and some cost to you but don’t let that stop you! I believe in you. I know you can do it.

I’d love to hear from you so leave a comment below or sign up with your email to get my posts in your inbox.

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Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Lost and Found in Transition

LOST IN TRANSITION

With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming.

As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy.

Straightforward medical care
Access
Fertility
Familiarity
Safety
Security

Global travel
Friends
Family
Relationships
Relatability

Not everything you lose is negative. Some things that you lose are harder to recognize but should be celebrated.

Confusion
Pain
Boxes
Tension
Anger
Anxiety
Walls
Ignorance

Grief allows you to make room for new and meaningful things. Change is growth. Processing what you have lost allows you to recognize what you have found.

FOUND IN TRANSITION

With any change comes many new things. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest.

Some changes you want. Some you just have to deal with.

Some are sudden and turn you upside down. Some you see coming forever. Some you only see in hindsight.

Some happen slowly whether you want them to or not. Some happen fast and force you to adapt.

Puberty 2.0
Body shape
Medications
Scars
Euphoria

Confidence
Community
Support
Deeper understanding
Pride
New identity
Openness

Big changes bring lots of new things. These are the building blocks of who you are and who you will be. Understand, accept, and celebrate the new things big and small.

This is the first zine I have created! Hope you like it. Find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters to see a video of what the zine looks like in full!

As always, please leave a comment below to tell me what you think!

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