MAKING DECISIONS ABOUT MY CHILD’S GENDER PRESENTATION
When we’re going out for a walk, to a park, or to a grocery store, I have to decide what my child is going to wear. When I choose my own clothes, it is often based on gender related factors – dysphoria and euphoria, how I want my gender to be viewed by others, safety – and of course, the weather. But my goal is to provide my child with a wide variety of gender related experiences. This includes styles and colours of clothing.
Sometimes I’ll pick a well coordinated cute outfit that looks cute because it all matches and not care about the gendered component. Sometimes I’ll specifically pick an outfit that is white and pink and purple and teal. Sometimes I’ll pick clothes that are red and black and navy blue. More often, I’ll pick a mix of things – a pink top with navy blue pants and red dinosaur socks. Or a blue and yellow striped top, jeans, and pink unicorn socks.
I try to pick clothes based on what I like and the experience I want to give my child. But I am also aware that the clothes my child is wearing is the main way strangers will determine my child’s gender. Other than their clothes and accessories (hair clips, bows, toys, lunchbox, backpack, etc) children appear fairly gender neutral. I have fun using my child’s clothing to test and/or mess with strangers’ perceptions of my child’s gender (or really, since they haven’t developed a gender identity yet, their sex).
THE DREADED QUESTION
Some strangers are bold enough to ask if my child is a boy or a girl. I know this is often coming from a place of wanting to be respectful during our interaction and use the correct pronouns.
I hate this question.
As a nonbinary person, I find it frustrating, othering, and triggering. It often makes me freeze. I am stuck between the place of wanting to educate/counteract the stranger’s binary assumptions, honour our experiences as a gender creative family, and avoid conflict by providing an easy answer.
I would love to say “It doesn’t matter. Any pronouns are fine.” Of the many times I have been posed this question, I have only been able to make myself use this answer a couple times. Most often, I cave and say the gender that matches my child’s sex assigned at birth. I hate that my child hears me assign them a gender in answer to this question. This factor will become more important to me as my child gets older and may help me stick with my preferred, open ended answer.
But what if they don’t ask? What if they assume? That’s where it gets interesting.
WHEN STRANGERS ASSIGN MY CHILD A GENDER
Because of how I dress my child, and possibly because they have thick curly/wavy light brown/blonde hair, strangers choose to refer to my child as a girl or a boy in approximately equal amounts. I find this fascinating.
What’s even more interesting is that the gender they choose to assign my child doesn’t always match the societal gender norms based on the clothes I chose that day. I’ve had people assume my child is a girl when they’re wearing black, blue, and red. Less often, but still once or twice, I’ve had strangers assume my child is a boy when they’re wearing white, pink, and purple with lace or ruffles.
In no way do I think that certain colours or clothing styles are ‘girl’ clothes or ‘boy’ clothes. In fact, my whole parenting strategy around clothes and gender is an attempt to teach my child that this is not the case. But I am very much aware that people use these as gender related signals.
So when strangers assign my child a gender, what does that say about my child, or my decisions around what they wear? Absolutely nothing. It is a reflection of the stranger’s biases, stereotypes, and assumptions. Some people heavily gender strangers based on their clothing. Some people gender strangers based on their hair style or facial features, or any other numerous factors.
The funny thing to me is that the majority of these ‘gendered’ signals aren’t present in babies and young children. Yet the majority of people still look for them and make an assumption based on the limited information the parents have given them via the child’s clothing, hairstyle, and accessories. The need to assign a gender is so strong that most people will try to do it despite having limited and even conflicting information. The alternative – to not know a child’s gender – is so far outside their awareness as being an option that their brain doesn’t even consider it as a fallback plan.
TO CORRECT THEM OR NOT, THAT IS THE QUESTION
When strangers gender my child using pronouns that are associated with their sex assigned at birth, I usually go with it. This is how our child is most often gendered at home and at daycare. We are trying to provide gendered experiences from a wide range regardless of their sex assignment but we have still chosen to use binary gendered pronouns for the most part. As stated above, I often dress my child in a variety of colours and styles of clothing so I usually find it interesting and wonder what about my child’s presentation lead them in that direction.
When strangers gender my child using the binary pronouns that are not typically associated with their sex assigned at birth, more thoughts go through my head. I still find it interesting and wonder what lead them to that assumption. Then I wonder ‘Should I correct them?’ If I do, this will challenge the stranger’s connections between my child’s presentation and their gender. But it will also model to my child that their gender is supposed to match their sex assigned at birth. This is a transphobic belief and not one I want to reinforce for my child. If I don’t correct them, the stranger gets to keep their assumptions around presentation and gender in tact (unfortunately) but my child gets a more gender expansive experience of getting to see how it feels being referred to using different pronouns.
So far, I err on the side of ‘go with the flow’, avoid conflict, and provide my child with a more interesting gender experience. After all, my child’s experience is more important than expanding a stranger’s mind. However, as soon as my child expresses awareness of their own gender and a preference for a particular set of pronouns and language, I will be happily correcting strangers whenever they get it wrong.
How do you respond when someone genders your child, correctly or incorrectly? What tthoughts go through your head when deciding how to respond?
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