My experiences have taught me how to work through intense situations and process emotions so that I’m not holding on to negative sources of stress and being influenced by them in ways I don’t like or can’t control. I wanted to share my strategy in the hopes that it will help you do the same.
This process is based on the belief that we can, for the most part, control what is in our own heads and are responsible for our own emotions. We can absolutely be manipulated, traumatized, abused, gaslit, or have a chemical/hormonal imbalance but my hope is that working through this process will help separate the manipulation and influence of others or physiological causes from what is genuine to ourselves and under our control.
This process has six steps:
- List areas of emotional stress
- Identify which aspects are within your control
- List the emotions
- Identify the source or trigger for each emotion
- Take action
- Review your progress
In this post, I will explain steps 1 to 3. In Part 2 I will cover steps 4 to 6.
Here is a document containing a blank chart that you can use as a guideline to fill in.
Now, let’s look at the first three steps in detail.
1. LIST AREAS OF EMOTIONAL STRESS
What takes up space in the back of your mind that nags at you, wears down your emotions, or takes energy to keep it pushed to the back of your mind? When you’re having a day where you are stressed, tired, irritable, numb, or teary, what negative things does your brain say to you? What aspects of your life make you feel stressed when you are forced to think about or focus on them?
These can be a variety of things:
- Past experiences that were traumatic, difficult, or had a lasting negative impact on you
- Negative beliefs about yourself
- Broken relationships
- Components of your life that feel like a constant struggle
- A future event (though this is often causing stress because of a present or past situation or belief)
Still not sure what is specifically bothering you? Think through each area of your life: health, work/vocation, relationships, childhood, finances/security, identity, or anything else that is important to you. Do you frown, feel your body tense, or experience a negative emotion when you think about that area of your life? It’s a good bet that one area of stress relates to that area. Break that area of your life down into smaller pieces if you can and watch for the same reaction. The more specific you can be the better.
2. IDENTIFY WHICH ASPECTS ARE WITHIN YOUR CONTROL
Often when something happens to us we feel like we have no control over the situation or event. This naturally leads to the belief that we have no control over the outcome or effects of the event. In my experience, this is not true. We always have control over SOME components of how a situation is affecting us presently. For example:
- Our current actions
- Our current beliefs and attitudes
- Our ability and willingness to adapt
- Our willingness to seek out and accept support
Be honest with yourself. This isn’t about figuring out the truth of a past event. This is about identifying how that past event is currently affecting you and what parts of that effect are under your control. What you learn from this step will be important for building a useful action plan in step 5.
3. LIST THE EMOTIONS
This is the hardest part emotionally. You might want to pick one area of stress to focus on and continue from step 3 to 6 with that one area before you process another one to avoid being overwhelmed. You will likely want to work on this step in a private, safe space. I recommend having a self care plan in place in advance – when you are in emotional turmoil, what helps you regain a sense of emotional stability? Plan to engage in these activities or have a friend standing by for you to connect with as often as you need while working through this step.
The goal is to list all the emotions that are brought to the surface when you delve into each area of stress. Some ideas of how you can do this are by:
- Replaying the experience in your head
- Writing about that area of your life or that situation
- Listening to the self-talk that relates to that experience or aspect of yourself
- Talking about it with a trusted person
Don’t forget about the positive emotions! Often we focus on the negative ones and once we list the positive ones along side them we realize we have a more balanced experience than our brain has been telling us.
I recommend you refer to an emotions wheel (such as the one you can find here) to help you find appropriate words for what you are feeling. I have definitely had the experience where I feel something, or more likely many things, and it is overwhelming and difficult to find a word that describes it which leads to frustration. You can also use the emotions wheel as a prompt – work your way around the wheel thinking about each emotion separately, what that would feel like for you, and if that feeling matches something that came up while replaying or sitting with an area of stress.
If all the different areas of stress in your life seem to cause the same set of emotions or if you only seem to experience emotions from a narrow spectrum of the emotions wheel, consider the possibility that there may be an underlying physiological cause such as a neurochemical or hormonal imbalance. I am not a doctor. This observation comes from personal and second hand experience.
You are halfway there! Steps 1 to 3 are all about discovery. In Part 2 we explore steps 4 to 6 which are about analysis, action, and reflection. Take your time with this process and take care of yourself as you work through the tough stuff. I’m always here for you if you need community and support.
RELATED POSTS
- How to Work Through Areas of Emotional Stress Part 2
- How to Manage Stress and Prevent Burnout Part 1
- How to Manage Stress and Prevent Burnout Part 2
- Finding Support
- Getting Through the Dark Months
- Dealing with Frustration
- Trans Affirmations
- How Dysphoria Contributes to Burnout and What You Can Do About It
- Staying Positive