OVERVIEW
Jake has now been out at work for nearly two years. We discuss his process for coming out at work from the preparation, through coming out, and all the frustrations that happened afterwards including HR struggles, bathrooms, mysogeny, and misgendering.
Meaghan Ray talks about what it was like to be in the role of the partner during this part of the transition process including having to come out to their co-workers about Jake’s transition.
We discuss Meaghan Ray’s process for coming out at work as non-binary so far and Jake’s experience of having a non-binary spouse when he’s talking to co-workers.
SHOW NOTES
Jake’s process for coming out at work
Preparation
- Talking to community, online friends to learn from other people’s experiences
- Talking to team lead and other coworkers in a hypothetical context
- They didn’t really apply the conversation to real life or think about it practically
- Should have gone to HR in advance though he wouldn’t have necessarily known what to bring up as a potential concern until he encountered them
Tipping Point
- Eventually dysphoria was bad enough that he could not do his job so it was either come out or quit
- Told team lead in advance
- Had written an email
- Pulled aside immediate co-workers to tell individually
- Generally supportive
- Sent email to whole department
- Much more generic than discussion with immediate co-workers
- Told other higher-ups
- One person in particular had immediately helpful comments such as “Which bathroom are you going to be using” and “How do we get your name changed in the computer system” ie considering the practical aspects
- Some were confused as to why Jake’s transition would be affecting anyone and why he needed to tell everyone when it’s a personal/private issue (ie thinking of it as the same thing as coming out as gay)
Challenges
- Old name on emails and inter-office messaging until his name change document came in
- Then was told he had to get his birth certificate changed first as well as a new SIN card (even though others who are changing their name due to marriage etc do not require all of this extra documentation and there was no good explanation as to why he did)
- Eventually discovered that HR had a diversity and inclusion rep that helped a lot
- Met with her in person and discussed all the concerns with things that had been happening and unnecessary hoops that he was being forced to jump through
- She was super feisty and got things changed really fast which was amazing
Bathrooms
- Started out by going to the farther away women’s washroom
- Then used the men’s washroom in the same farther away area but was terrifying, especially prior to top surgery
- Found a single use bathroom a couple floors up in an abandoned area that was under renovation
- Felt safe but isolating and cumbersome
- Found out later that some of the management had been talking behind his back about what bathroom he should be using in order to decrease the discomfort of others
- Decided he wasn’t going to hide anymore and went back to using the men’s washroom closer to the work area
- Had emailed facilities management to ask about bathrooms and they connected him to the diversity rep at HR
Looking Back
- Felt like it took forever, in reality was about a year
- Fighting on all fronts
- Exhausting and circular and convoluted
Did People Adapt?
- Took a really long time, no trigger event like we had with the family (see Episode 4)
- An ally helped by correcting others on Jake’s behalf
- Still getting misgendered 5-10 times per shift by immediate co-workers one year later
- Now, another year later, still getting misgendered 1-2 times per shift
- People now know him longer as Jake than anything else and he still has a hard time correcting people
- Newer co-workers don’t know he’s trans and never knew him prior to transition
- Others who misgender him get a completely confused reaction rather than people realizing he’s trans – people just don’t think of that
- Now that he passes, being misgendered doesn’t bother him as much because they end up looking like idiots
Other Interesting Situations
- Suddenly being included in mysogenistic ‘bro’ language and conversation in an attempt to show acceptance
- Difficult to counteract the mysogeny without losing the acceptance
- People tried to teach him how to be a guy as though he had never been exposed to masculinity
Partner Experience
- Could only be a cheerleader
- Wasn’t able to help with any of it in the ways I was able to help during other phases
- Having to come out to MY coworkers for Jake so I could talk about my husband instead of my wife
- Made a little presentation which my immediate team responded to really well
- Hoped that it would get around via gossip but it really didn’t so I had to tell everyone separately, often more than once
- Lots of disjointed conversations where I had to stop mid conversation to explain why I was referring to my husband
- Most common question was “Does that make you straight?”
- Had a hard time getting support from co-workers because no one had enough context for how the process was affecting me, what type of support to give me, and why I was getting burned out
- Tried to explain but ended up spending more energy than I got back in support
- More recently I have had more co-workers who have trans experiences
- Educating co-workers was still important to me because I work in a health care setting and I want as many people who work with patients to understand how to be respectful towards trans people
- Once I was no longer talking about my wife, I lost my ability to come out as queer off-handedly in a conversation
- Made my own identity feel a lot more invisible
- Had a few difficult situations in my workplace where I witnessed transphobia or had co-workers misgender trans patients which were very triggering for me (and still are though I deal with them slightly better now)
Meaghan Ray’s experience of coming out at work
- Most dysphoria at work, mostly social dysphoria
- Half the people I interact with are strangers
- Rather than a goal of not getting misgendered (not feasible), set the goal of minimizing discomfort
- Most uncomfortable with other female language (ma’am, ladies, girl)
- Instead of “I’m non-binary, use they/them pronouns, call me Meaghan Ray,” I’ve chosen to instead say “I’m non-binary, this is what that feels like, please avoid these types of gendered terms and instead use these neutral ones”
- Very choosy with who I have these conversations with
- I still have a hard time correcting people when they use female terms but I tend to groan, squint, flinch, go silent, or say “Nope!” and they eventually get the idea and self-correct
Jake’s experience as a partner
- Couple of co-workers that know about Meaghan Ray’s non-binary identity and are generally good at using they/them pronouns
- Refers to Meaghan Ray as his partner or spouse
- Generally less gossipy/social work environment so it comes up less
RELATED POSTS
- Gay vs Trans
- The Coming Out Equation
- It’s All About Bathrooms
- Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People
- Passing As Non-Binary
- Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns
- Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries
- How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person
- Dealing with Frustration
- Visibility and Representation
- Intersections of Gender and Sexual Orientation
- My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 2 – Social Transition)
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