Tag: Physical Health

Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects

Wearing a binder is sometimes the only way that a person with dysphoria related to having breasts can leave the house. The psychological and emotional impacts of dysphoria are often worse than the physical discomfort from the binder. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore the binder’s effects on our body.

I strongly believe that the more you know about something, the more you can do to make it better.

If you are someone who wears a binder, occasionally or regularly, and just suffers through the physical discomfort in order to manage dysphoria, I’m here to tell you there are ways to make the physical pain less. I can’t guarantee the strategies I talk about will get rid of it, but they will prevent worsening and decrease the pain.

This post is not designed to scare you. It is designed to give you accurate anatomical and physiological information about the various ways a binder can affect your body. In the next post, I will give you concrete ways to minimize these effects.

Disclaimer: I am a physiotherapist and as such have a strong understanding of anatomy and physiology. I am someone who wears a binder and has experienced these effects. I have not done any scientific research on the effects of binder use nor read any scientific research on this topic. I have attended a lecture by researchers who have looked at binder use and I have talked to many trans people about their experiences.

LUNGS

Your lungs are like an upside down tree. They have a main trunk, large branches, then smaller branches, all leading to little round bubbles called alveoli. They are roughly pyramid shaped with the smallest part at the top by your collar bone and the largest part in line with the bottom of your breastbone. They are a self-cleaning organ that requires a consistent exchange of clean air to remain healthy.

When you wear a binder, your lungs cannot expand to their full capacity. The restriction is mostly in a circle around the widest part of the lungs. In order to breathe, you have to expand more through the upper parts of your lungs which are much smaller. This restricts your body’s ability to get more oxygen when exercising and can make you lightheaded. The parts of your lungs that stay closed can become sticky and develop mucus which holds and breeds bacteria. Without taking time to fully expand your lungs when you take off the binder, this could develop into a chronic cough or pneumonia.

SPINE

Your spine is made of vertebrae stacked on top of each other with discs between the bodies and many ligaments and muscles connecting them together. It has a natural inward curve in the neck, outward curve in the upper back, and inward curve in the low back. The different areas of the spine are designed to move in different ways but over all it can bend forward and back, side to side, and rotate. These large movements are created by a small amount of movement between each vertebra.

When you wear a binder, it restricts the movement in the mid spine or upper back forcing the areas above and below to compensate and move more. The areas above and below become hypermobile which can cause pain. Because of the lack of movement in the mid-spine (the section under the binder), the ligaments and muscles become tight, short, and weak which will cause stiffness and pain even when not wearing the binder.

RIBS

Your ribs connect to your spine in the back and your sternum in the front. The joints in the front are more flexible than the ones in the back. The ribs are designed to move out and up when we breathe in. They have ligaments connecting them to the spine, cartilage connecting them to the sternum, and muscles connecting them to each other.

When you are wearing a binder, your ribs are restricted and compressed. The ligaments and muscles can tighten and shorten over time, decreasing your lung capacity even when not wearing the binder. The joints at your spine stiffen up, forcing the joints at the front to move more than they should in order to expand your chest to breathe. This can cause sharp pain by the sternum, or costochondritis. If you use something other than a safe binder to bind with, wear a binder that is too small, or wear your binder too long or too often, you can also cause fractures in your ribs.

SHOULDERS

Your shoulders are designed to have a large range of motion. In order to do get your arms above shoulder height and reach above your head, the structures around the shoulder have to rotate up and out of the way. This includes the shoulder blade, collar bone, and upper ribs. When these three structures rotate up, the tip of your shoulder comes towards your ear.

When wearing a binder, there is more pressure downwards on the collar bone and compression around the ribs. There can also be tension on the skin under your arm and around your shoulder. This all causes restriction in the ability of those structures to move up and rotate when you raise your arm. This can lead to a feeling of weakness in your arm, pain at the shoulder joint from tendons being pinched, and a loss of the body’s natural mechanics, and therefore strength, for overhead movements.

PELVIC FLOOR

Your pelvic floor is made up of many different muscles that form the bottom of your abdominal and pelvic cavity. If you think of this cavity as a pop can, the diaphragm is the top and the pelvic floor is the bottom with the abdominal muscles forming the sides and your organs inside. When you take a deep breath in, your diaphragm pushes down on your abdominal organs, increasing the pressure in the abdomen and pelvis. Your abdominal muscles and pelvic floor muscles absorb this pressure by expanding slightly while maintaining their contraction.

When wearing a binder, your diaphragm is not able to flatten fully and you are unable to take a full deep breath. This means that your pelvic floor muscles do not get the regular exercise of maintaining a contraction while stretching. They become weaker, tighter, and shorter. This can lead to pelvic pain from trigger points in the muscles, pain on penetration, and sometimes incontinence.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND EXERCISES

Again, this post was not designed to scare you. In Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises, I give you concrete ways to minimize these effects – general recommendations for binder use and a variety of exercises I recommend to counteract some of the effects discussed above.

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

  1. The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
  2. The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
  3. Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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Getting Through the Dark Months

Growing up I never really noticed mood effects from the winter. The shortest days were still at least 10 hours of sunlight. Then I moved north and now the days get shorter much earlier and the shortest days are only 7 hours of sunlight. It’s amazing what those extra 3 hours can do.

In the last few years I’ve noticed my mood, motivation, and energy level dropping around mid October. By November, if I haven’t consciously started working to counteract these effects, I am starting struggle at work and lose interest in the projects and goals that I set for myself.

The first year I noticed this was the year after Jake started transitioning. He was doing better, the family had come around, and I was burnt out from the ongoing stress and emotionally charged conversations that I had with family, coworkers, or friends almost daily. So when fall started getting darker, I had a very steep downhill slide.

In the years since, I have gotten better and better at dealing with this time of year. Here are some of my strategies:

GENERAL

  • Get as much sunlight as possible. I know, easier said than done but this means sitting next to a window during breaks at work, opening the blinds during the day if I’m home, or going for walks at lunch.
  • Use a full spectrum light.
  • Take Vitamin D.
  • Keep up with your house chores. Having a clean environment will support all the other strategies.

MOOD AND RESILIENCE

  • Get lots of sleep. Or, if you’re the type of person that can’t get themselves to stop sleeping during this time of year, keep a regular sleep routine.
  • Listen to music.
  • Quality social time. For me this is hanging out with a friend or a small group over coffee, a meal, or board games.
    • As an introvert, this one has taken me the longest to figure out. I have to make sure it’s not in a really crowded or noisy environment and that I don’t do this too many days in a row but staying at home alone in the evening or all day on the weekend for more than one day starts to have a negative effect that is much stronger during the dark months.
  • Stay connected with support groups or therapy if needed. Diversify your support so that you have many different times and places you can get support throughout the month.
    • I have a number of different groups I am involved in or helped create that run as specific times each month. It works out that I have two things on the first and third weeks, two things on the second week, and one thing on the fourth week of each month. This gives me a variety of types of support I can engage with so that I can always look forward to something that is less than a week away. It also means that if I don’t feel up to it, I can skip one of these groups without losing the one source or support I get each month.

MOTIVATION

  • Break up large projects into even smaller goals than usual.
  • Get rewards for goals that are achieved.
  • Focus on one project at a time. Pick which one will be the focus on a particular day and stick with that. By the end of a week, I’ll have worked on each project at least once.
  • Listen to podcasts that relate to your projects.
  • Work on your projects around other people (if possible). For me this means taking my laptop and writing at a cafe or taking my current crafting project over to a family member or friend’s house to visit while I work on it.

ENERGY LEVEL

  • Exercise!! My body goes into hibernation mode when it’s cold out and I want to curl up in a ball with a cup of something warm and watch TV. But the more I let that happen, the lower my energy level is and the less I feel like I can get through my day and get everything done that I want to do.
    • I look at the week in three chunks: I have to exercise once on Monday or Tuesday, once on Wednesday or Thursday, and twice between Friday and Sunday. This is way easier and more likely to work for me than saying I need to exercise 4 times this week.

This is a pretty exhaustive list of what I am currently doing. I use a bullet journal to keep myself organized and objectively track my progress on projects, my mood, and my habits such as sleep, exercise, and social time. Having an objective tracking system is particularly important for me during these months when the default setting feels like it is hopelessness, despair, loneliness, irritability, and negativity.

I hope this helps you stay positive, productive, and light over the next few months. We are all in this together. Please leave a comment with your own strategies! I’d love to hear what helps you – maybe it will work for me too!

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Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice

Finding a balance between being a good support for the trans person in your life and your own mental health is extremely difficult. When do you follow their lead and put your own reservations and grief aside and when do you ask them to slow down to give you time to process the changes?

The most important thing to take into account is safety – both psychological and physical. In general, the trans person will experience the highest risk in both these areas. They may withdraw as a result – whether the risk to their safety is actual or perceived. But if they are maintaining a relationship with you and you are able to be a source of support, you also have to be aware of your own safety and the toll that being that support takes on you.

So if the trans person in your life wants to take the next step in transition (coming out, changing legal documents, taking hormones or blockers, surgery, etc) and you don’t feel ready, think about the risk to both yourself and them.

  • Will asking them to wait put them at higher risk either physically or psychologically or make them pull away from you?
    • Eg: They are ready to come out to the rest of the family but you aren’t sure how to have those conversations with everyone. They may avoid family gatherings as a result and you won’t get any better at having those conversations without practice.
    • Eg: They are out to everyone and want to start taking hormones but you are scared of what the changes will be.
  • Would you be asking them to wait for a specific length of time or ‘until you feel ready’?
    • If there is a specific reason or time frame, this might be acceptable as long as you explain your reasoning to the trans person in your life and they agree.
  • Are you actively working on learning about, processing, and grieving the changes that are happening by talking to your own supports (friends and therapist)?
    • If not, you have no right to ask the trans person to wait until you are ready.
    • If you are, but feel you still need more time, try to be as open and honest about why and what you think that extra time will provide you.
  • Is there a compromise that would minimize the risk to their safety but also allow you to continue processing at your own pace?
    • Eg: The trans person asking you to take all the pre-transition photos down makes you feel like they are robbing you of those memories. Instead of packing them away in a box, put them up in a room where the trans person won’t typically see them or make a photo album of them that you can flip though whenever you need to.
    • Eg: Starting your trans child on hormone blockers to delay puberty rather than withholding medical intervention until they are older because you don’t feel ready.

Every situation that feels hard for you to adapt to will be different in terms of how much risk each option poses to the trans person and yourself and whether there is an appropriate compromise. Finding a solution that protects and supports them while allowing you as much space as you can get takes lots of open communication. If the trans person in your life is not communicating with you, all you can do is talk to other trans people, get their opinions or suggestions and make your best guess. Support them whenever they do communicate with you and take care of yourself in other ways (talking to others, keeping pictures for yourself, keeping a journal, etc.)

If there is no option that reduces the risk for both of you you may need to step away for your safety or theirs and that’s okay. Try to be honest with the trans person in your life so they understand where you are coming from. If possible, help them connect with other resources that can provide some of the support that you can no longer offer.

Some vague thing in the future that may or may not be difficult for you is not a good reason to hold someone else back when they are struggling. In this case, you are letting fear stop you from being a good support. We can only process and grieve things that have already happened. And you may find that you don’t actually need to grieve as much as you anticipate. You may discover lots of things that you can celebrate that you didn’t know would happen.

Before change happens, all we have is fear. After it happens, we can see how much happier the person is, how much more confident, and that helps offset the pain and grief. It makes it worth the struggle. So try to find a way to be a good support that allows you to continue to participate in the process and be present. If you ignore your own process and grief, you will not be able to continue to be a good support for very long.

What parts of the transition process did you have the most difficulty processing and accepting? How did you communicate this to the trans person in your life? Did you find a compromise that worked for both of you? Leave me a comment below. Your experiences might help someone else in a similar situation.

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Talking About Your Gender Identity: When, Why, and How

Talking about your gender identity can be hard, draining, scary, and even jeopardize your safety. But it can also be hugely rewarding, allowing you to be open, honest, more comfortable, find the support you need, as well as educate others.

So how do you decide if it’s worth having those conversations? How do you know when the right time is? And how do you actually start the conversation or respond to a probing question?

The first and most important factor is safety. What risk is there to your safety, stability, and well-being, either physical, emotional, or financial, if the other person’s response is poor? Have you taken steps to protect yourself, provide alternatives, or ensure time to heal afterwards if their support is withdrawn or they become a threat? Are there other people around who might overhear that you would prefer not to tell?

You will always have fear with big conversations. We all do, no matter what the difficult topic is. But when you no longer want fear to stop you, that doesn’t mean you should simply ignore it and forge ahead. Fear is there for a reason and listening to it and taking steps to mitigate the risks as much as possible before opening that door is always a good idea. You will never feel 100% safe or be free of fear so at some point you have to decide you have taken as many steps to protect yourself as you can and press on.

The next thing that you might want to think about is your expectations for having the conversation. What do you want the result to be? What toll will it take on you? Is the outcome worth the cost? Do you expect an immediate response or are you planning to provide information for the other person/people to think about before responding? Knowing what you want the outcome to be and combining that with a realistic view of what is likely, given what you know about the people you are talking to, will help you steer the conversation in the direction you want and know when to back out.

The emotional cost of these conversations will be highest when you are talking to someone who is close to you and has high emotional impact or someone who has control over an area of your life where a negative response could have disastrous consequences. Something that might help you weather the hardest conversations is practicing with less intense versions. Tell friends or more distant family members first. This will give you a chance to find the right words, respond to questions and reactions, and learn how much of a toll it takes on you.

You can support yourself emotionally in a few different ways:

  • Make sure you feel as comfortable as possible in your own skin at the time of the conversation.
    • The more confidence you have the better so do whatever it takes to feel your best.
  • Have a friend or support system on standby to spend time with or be in touch with after the conversation.
    • Having the opportunity to debrief with someone you trust can help you process the outcome and implications of the conversation.
  • Build in some self-care time in the 24 hours after the conversation.
    • Journaling, creating, exercising, being in nature, doing something you enjoy can all help you regain a sense of balance and get back in touch with the core of who you are if you feel overwhelmed or thrown off kilter by the conversation.

These conversations are never easy. You can have them face to face right from the start or break the ice with an email or letter before following up face to face. You can figure out exactly who you are and what you want to say before talking to anyone or you can start having difficult conversations while you are still figuring things out (just be sure to be clear that it is an ongoing process and things might change). You can set a specific time with the person to talk about ‘something important’ or you can play it by ear and bring it up if there’s an easy segue. Leaving it to chance means the conversation has a high likelihood of not happening so if you’ve built yourself up to it and feel as prepared as you can be, setting a specific time or coming right out with it might be a better option.

If the topic comes up and presents you with a useful opening, always take a moment to consciously decide if you do want to talk about anything personal. How much do you want to disclose? Who is around? Is it a safe environment? Do you have the emotional reserve for this conversation right now? Will you have the opportunity to recover later? Would you decide to tell this person even if the opportunity didn’t present itself?

Because the conversations are so hard to initiate, we can sometimes feel like if the opportunity presents itself we should take it. But you should never feel pressured to disclose anything about your gender identity, even if the pressure is as mild as a good segue.

I promise these conversations get easier with time and practice. They are never without some risk and some cost to you but don’t let that stop you! I believe in you. I know you can do it.

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Lost and Found in Transition

LOST IN TRANSITION

With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming.

As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy.

  • Straightforward medical care
  • Access
  • Fertility
  • Familiarity
  • Safety
  • Security
  • Global travel
  • Friends
  • Family
  • Relationships
  • Relatability

Not everything you lose is negative. Some things that you lose are harder to recognize but should be celebrated.

  • Confusion
  • Pain
  • Boxes
  • Tension
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Walls
  • Ignorance

Grief allows you to make room for new and meaningful things. Change is growth. Processing what you have lost allows you to recognize what you have found.

FOUND IN TRANSITION

With any change comes many new things. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest.

Some changes you want. Some you just have to deal with.

Some are sudden and turn you upside down. Some you see coming forever. Some you only see in hindsight.

Some happen slowly whether you want them to or not. Some happen fast and force you to adapt.

  • Puberty 2.0
  • Body shape
  • Medications
  • Scars
  • Euphoria
  • Confidence
  • Community
  • Support
  • Deeper understanding
  • Pride
  • New identity
  • Openness

Big changes bring lots of new things. These are the building blocks of who you are and who you will be. Understand, accept, and celebrate the new things big and small.

This is the first zine I have created! Hope you like it. Find me on instagram @meaghan.ray.peters to see a video of what the zine looks like in full!

As always, please leave a comment below to tell me what you think!

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Treating Your Body Well Can Help Manage Dysphoria

Sometimes for folks who experience dysphoria it feels like the only ways they experience their body are negative. This can easily lead to negative self-talk and the tendency to ignore the ways that our bodies help us navigate the world every day.

Dysphoria is not always predictable or manageable. It springs up at the worst times and can be extremely persistent. It can lead to a feeling of fighting with our bodies or feeling out of control. Our bodies become the focus of our negativity instead of dysphoria or the way we’re treated by others.

One way to combat all this negativity towards our own bodies is to treat our bodies well. Just like it feels better to come home to a clean and well maintained house, it feels better to live in a body that you are actively working to maintain and keep clean. This means eating well (as often as you can), drinking lots of water, getting enough exercise, and avoiding things like smoking and excessive alcohol. Not everyone needs to do all of these things, but even focusing on one of them can give you a positive connection to your body.

This strategy partly relies on the ‘fake it ’til you make it’ mentality. If I am taking care of my body and we typically only take care of things we care about, that must mean I care about my body. The other part of this strategy is that some of the habits, especially exercise, will help you experience your body in positive ways. Find types of exercise that work for you (see my post about going to the gym) and focus on how your body moves, how it responds to your instructions, and how it improves with ongoing care.

When I feel good about how I am treating my body, I feel proud of it. Even if it is a source of dysphoria. Even if it doesn’t match what I picture myself to be in my head. If I have been taking care of my body, on bad dysphoria days I have a better chance of redirecting my focus to positive aspects of my body.

Even if you want your body to be different, even if your body doesn’t move or look the way you want it to, it is still your body. It doesn’t suddenly become your body once it matches the image you have of yourself in your head, it has always been your body. If you are a man, it is the body of a man. If you are agender, your body is also agender. No matter what your identity and what society tells you your body should look like, your body is the vessel for your identity.

So treat it well. Build a positive relationship with your body and use that positive connection to fight your dysphoria. Who knows, maybe you’ll end up finding more ways to experience gender euphoria than you thought you had access to.

What are the ways that you take care of your body? How do those habits help you manage dysphoria? Leave a comment below!

At the Gym

I have always been an athletic person. I played baseball right from T-ball to high school, soccer in middle school, and was generally an outdoorsy kid climbing trees and exploring the woods around our cottage. I learned to swim, canoe, ski, and skate at our cottage, and learned how to sail, kayak, and ride horses at summer camp. This is where I first discovered archery which became my focus throughout high school and into university. Eventually life got in the way and I stopped training which also meant I became less fit and less active. In graduate school I briefly got involved in rowing and quickly remembered what I liked about learning new sports and being active. Then I moved and it’s been hard to keep up with. Now-a-days, in order to stay fit I have to go to the gym to workout. This is a very different experience from what I was used to growing up, especially with dysphoria added on top.

Gyms and other traditional workout spaces are not very friendly environments for people with dysphoria. There are change rooms separated into male and female, mirrors, revealing or fitted clothing, and a focus on your body which may be the greatest source of your discomfort. But at the same time, people who experience dysphoria often struggle with their mental health as a result and would greatly benefit from regular physical activity. Or maybe, being athletic is a part of their identity that is something stable that they can focus on when everything else feels like it’s in flux.

I enjoy working out at the gym. It makes me feel strong, satisfied, relaxed, alert, and more in tune with my body. It gives me a positive way to focus on my body and the strength in it instead of the ways it sometimes feels wrong. Working out at the gym is one of the best ways for me to relieve some of the tension that builds up from constant frustration, dysphoria, and safety math. I use the female change room but there is a gender neutral washroom down the hall that I could use if I want to. The gym is small and has mirrors along one wall which I avoid facing when I have more dysphoria. I generally wear a fitted sports bra and a loose shirt and basketball shorts or board shorts.

For some reason, different activities at the gym make me feel different aspects of my gender. On the female side there is steady, long duration cardio, lighter weights, core exercises, stretching, and pilates or yoga type exercises. On the male side there is heavier weights, more intense short duration cardio, and plyometric or agility type exercises. In the neutral category is balance, combination exercises, and interval type cardio.

Those lists of activities seem pretty stereotypical. To be clear, I am not suggesting that specific types of exercise are gendered in any way, just that this is how they feel to me and the effect they have on my gender. Not everyone will experience physical activity as having anything to do with their gender.

I’m not really surprised that my experience of my gender while working out is affected by stereotypes. Most of our experiences are in some ways. But knowing how different activities interact with my sense of my gender allows me to choose activities strategically. I can pick activities that will be in line with my current experience of my gender to minimize dysphoria. Or I can pick activities that balance out my experience of my gender. Typically this means picking activities that help me feel more masculine to offset being identified solely as female in my day-to-day life.

So, the majority of the time, I prefer the activities from the ‘masculine’ list. Until recently, I hadn’t identified this preference as a gender based thing. But that is definitely a component of it. Those activities help me feel more at ease with myself and more balanced whereas the other ones accentuate feelings of dysphoria or imbalance, generally towards the female side. In order to maintain my fitness the way I’d like, I’ll have to find ways of making the more ‘feminine’ activities feel more masculine for me or pair them with other masculine activities.

I have found other forms of activity that I enjoy as well. These are often more similar to the sports I enjoyed as a kid, home workouts, or workout classes specifically for queer/trans people.

My biggest difficulty is motivation, as it is for anyone trying to form a new habit of being physically active. When my mental health is suffering I mainly experience apathy. So even though this is when I need to workout the most, I have a hard time caring enough or building up enough energy to do it. I try to hold myself accountable by finding a workout buddy who won’t let me get out of it. Once I go I always end up feeling better and having more energy and less tension than when I started. Hopefully writing that down and sending it out into the world will remind me of that the next time.

 

How does working out or physical activity influence your sense of your gender? Do you struggle to be physically active as a result of dysphoria, environment, or mental health? What strategies have you found that help you maintain an active lifestyle? Leave a comment below with your thoughts and experiences!