Identity – Page 4 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Treating Your Body Well Can Help Manage Dysphoria

Sometimes for folks who experience dysphoria it feels like the only ways they experience their body are negative. This can easily lead to negative self-talk and the tendency to ignore the ways that our bodies help us navigate the world every day.

Dysphoria is not always predictable or manageable. It springs up at the worst times and can be extremely persistent. It can lead to a feeling of fighting with our bodies or feeling out of control. Our bodies become the focus of our negativity instead of dysphoria or the way we’re treated by others.

One way to combat all this negativity towards our own bodies is to treat our bodies well. Just like it feels better to come home to a clean and well maintained house, it feels better to live in a body that you are actively working to maintain and keep clean. This means eating well (as often as you can), drinking lots of water, getting enough exercise, and avoiding things like smoking and excessive alcohol. Not everyone needs to do all of these things, but even focusing on one of them can give you a positive connection to your body.

This strategy partly relies on the ‘fake it ’til you make it’ mentality. If I am taking care of my body and we typically only take care of things we care about, that must mean I care about my body. The other part of this strategy is that some of the habits, especially exercise, will help you experience your body in positive ways. Find types of exercise that work for you (see my post about going to the gym) and focus on how your body moves, how it responds to your instructions, and how it improves with ongoing care.

When I feel good about how I am treating my body, I feel proud of it. Even if it is a source of dysphoria. Even if it doesn’t match what I picture myself to be in my head. If I have been taking care of my body, on bad dysphoria days I have a better chance of redirecting my focus to positive aspects of my body.

Even if you want your body to be different, even if your body doesn’t move or look the way you want it to, it is still your body. It doesn’t suddenly become your body once it matches the image you have of yourself in your head, it has always been your body. If you are a man, it is the body of a man. If you are agender, your body is also agender. No matter what your identity and what society tells you your body should look like, your body is the vessel for your identity.

So treat it well. Build a positive relationship with your body and use that positive connection to fight your dysphoria. Who knows, maybe you’ll end up finding more ways to experience gender euphoria than you thought you had access to.

What are the ways that you take care of your body? How do those habits help you manage dysphoria? Leave a comment below!

Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums

The first definition of gender that I came across that differed from the binary definition was the idea of gender as a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle. For a long time this made sense to me. As someone who identifies as a mix of male and female, I could conceptualize and communicate my gender to others using this model.

Original Genderbread Person graphic showing sex, gender, presentation, and sexual orientation as separate concepts, each with their own spectrum.

However, since hearing more stories from other non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid folks, this model seems limiting. What seems more useful is seeing gender as separate spectrums. Male from 0 to 10, female from 0 to 10, and ‘other’ or ‘third gender’ from 0 to 10. This model allows for representations of identities such as agender, demiboy or demigirl, and bigender.

This shift is also important when looking at gender presentation. We often talk about presentation in terms of masculine, androgynous, and feminine. Androgynous can mean a blending of more subtle feminine and masculine traits or it can mean mixing the more extreme aspects of masculine and feminine presentation. A single spectrum from masculine to feminine would not be able to represent the difference in these two examples. With separate scales from 0 to 10, you could place a dot at 5 on both scales, or place a dot at 10 on both scales.

Gender Unicorn showing separate scales for masculine and feminine aspects of gender identity, expression, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction.

Having two or more separate scales for gender identity and gender presentation does not exclude anyone. Cisgendered and cis-normative people can still represent their gender and presentation using this model. But it allows for the flexibility to represent many different non-binary and gender non-conforming experiences than a single spectrum does.

Have you ever used one of these models to rate different aspects of yourself? Is this newer model inclusive enough to represent your experience of the world? If not, what would you change? Have you ever asked your friends or family to rate themselves on a similar model? How did it go? Leave me a comment and tell me your experiences!

Pros and Cons of Pronouns on Correspondence

Lots of people have added their pronouns to their email sign-off or even their business cards in an attempt to normalize the practice of indicating your pronouns to others. This is encouraging for me to see but also makes me nervous. Here’s why.

Pros

It shows an awareness of how challenging it can be to have to derail a conversation, come out to someone about your gender identity, and hope they don’t make a big deal out of it
It shows an understanding of how important pronouns are to gender non-conforming and trans people
It makes an implicit promise that this person will respect your identity and pronouns and helps people identify allies
It takes the edge off the constant analysis about safety and creates a relationship and space that starts off as at least neutral

Cons

Doesn’t actually normalize pronouns until it is the standard
In a specific workplace, it would be possible to make this practice mandatory, however that would take away the indication of pronouns as a flag that this person is an ally
Indicating pronouns on correspondence could be uncomfortable or even unsafe for people who are questioning their gender identity or are not yet ready to come out to everyone
It can be difficult for gender fluid or gender expansive folks who use multiple pronouns or different pronouns depending on the day and their current presentation
It may lead to some non-binary erasure for non-binary folks that prefer pronouns that match their gender assigned at birth due to cisnormativity

I have seen some people at universities and some people within the queer community indicate pronouns on correspondence. I am happy when I see it but immediately wonder what I would put on my email sign-off. I prefer they/them pronouns but I’m comfortable enough with she/her that fighting to have everyone use they/them would not be worth it for me. Combine that with the fact that I work in a hospital and I am not yet out to the majority of people at work and I wonder if I would be comfortable putting they/them.

I know for sure that if I only put she/her I would feel invisible, inauthentic, and generally shitty every time I saw it. Because I would have actively chosen to put it there. I would have effectively misgendered myself on every email I sent. This would feel way worse that it does when the people I am not yet out to misgender me.

So, at the moment, if this became a mandatory workplace policy out of good intentions, I’m not sure what I would do. Whatever pronouns I decided to put down, I would definitely be having some in depth conversations with my manager and/or HR.

How do you feel about indicating pronouns on correspondence? Would you feel comfortable doing this yourself? Leave a comment below!

When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong

‘True Trans’ Narrative

When you think of a generic trans person, what comes to mind? Is it someone who feels like they were born into the wrong body, who knew from a very young age that they were meant to be the other gender, who preferred the ‘wrong’ toys and the ‘wrong’ clothes? This is the stereotypical trans story. Within the trans community, this type of experience is called ‘True Trans’ implying that because their experience matches the stereotype, their identity as a trans person is somehow more valid than other people.

While it is true that people with the stereotypical trans experience will be questioned less as to whether they are sure and will have to explain their experience less often, this in no way makes their experience or identity more or less valid than any other. There is no hierarchy of transness.

Other Trans Narratives

Some trans people didn’t realize that their discomfort was related to their gender until they were a teenager going through puberty, or as an adult having kids, or as an older adult going through menopause/andropause. Some trans people don’t feel like they were born into the wrong body at all. Some trans people are only uncomfortable with how society views their body and how they are identified as a result of their body but are completely comfortable with their body on it’s own. Some trans people prefer the activities and clothes typically associated with the gender they were assigned at birth.

These trans experiences are poorly represented by mainstream media and therefore poorly understood or acknowledged by the general public. People with trans experiences that do not match the ‘true trans’ stereotype have a harder time understanding themselves, finding the appropriate words to convey their experience to others, and sometimes fall back on descriptions that match the stereotype just so they can get the validation they deserve from people in their lives and medical professionals even if this is not true to their experience.

The Role of Stereotypes

Identities are complex. Social structures such as gender, race, ethnicity, class, disability, sexuality, etc are all infinitely complex. Stereotypes provide a short hand for people who do not have personal experience with a specific identity can have a basic image or understanding of what other people are referring to.

Stereotypes are often the first step in increasing the visibility of a particular identity and eventually normalizing it. Initially this can be helpful but the stereotype quickly becomes something that the people who live that identity need to fight against and correct.

The Harm of Stereotypes

Stereotypes become harmful when people outside that identity don’t recognize it as a stereotype. They believe that the image or understanding they have of that identity is accurate to everyone with that identity. This is especially true for medical professionals who are in a position to refuse a diagnosis or treatment to someone when that person doesn’t fit the medical professional’s personal definition of ‘trans’.

As I mentioned above, stereotypes can also create a hierarchy within a marginalized identity where the people who’s experience match the stereotype are seen as more valid or more deserving of recognition. This can lead to people being excluded from the community that they need support from the most.

Broadening the Trans Narrative

Members of the trans community have pushed back against the stereotype using phases such as “I am trans enough” which got shortened to “I am enough” and “All trans people are valid”. These have been hugely important messages for many people to see and internalize. Just like cis men don’t have to be hyper-masculine to identify as a man, trans men shouldn’t have to ignore or hide their more feminine interests in order to be recognized as a man or seen as ‘trans enough’ to receive medical treatment (if they want it).

The increasing visibility of non-binary identities and non-binary trans people is also a huge step towards broadening the trans narrative and combatting the ‘true trans’ stereotype. Awareness and acceptance of a minority often ends up benefitting the majority in some way, for example sidewalk cutouts for ramps were originally mandated to improve accessibility for wheelchair users but end up making cityscapes much easier to navigate with a stroller, trolley, bicycle, skateboard, or roller blades. I believe that bringing awareness and acceptance of identities that fall in various places on the gender spectrum, identities that are fluid, and identities that don’t always match the person’s presentation will also benefit cis people by making it acceptable for them to explore interests and presentation options that would have previously been deemed ‘inappropriate’.

How have stereotypes been beneficial or harmful to you? What strategies have you used to correct people’s assumptions based on a stereotype? What other stereotypes of trans people have you found? Leave a comment below!

Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries

Sometimes those of us with experience and knowledge of trans related topics want to help educate those around us and sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. You should never feel like you have to compromise your own mental health for the sake of addressing someone else’s ignorance. But how do you politely tell people to bugger off and educate themselves through other means? And when you are comfortable having some of those conversations, how do you know what you’re comfortable sharing and what you’re not? How do you make them aware of your boundaries without derailing the conversation or damaging your relationship with that person?

Throughout my husband’s transition and my own gender explorations I have had many different conversations with many different types of people about gender and trans related topics. Many times towards the beginning of this process I was already knee deep in a conversation before I realized that I was well past the line that this person shouldn’t have crossed. I am a very open person and I am often comfortable sharing much more personal information with others than most people are so I wasn’t personally uncomfortable with the content. What concerned me more, and often only in retrospect, was that the person I was talking to had no awareness of which questions were appropriate and which ones they should have asked special permission for (and respected my response if I said no). If you have people in your life that have a similar lack of understanding of what is appropriate to ask about or say, see my post How to Interact Respectfully with a Trans Person, or, better yet, send that person the link.

How far do you go before you recommend resources and leave the conversation? That is completely up to you. Everyone will have different boundaries relating to their privacy depending on the type of information, their relationship to the other person/people in the conversation, and the setting where the conversation is taking place. Boundaries are healthy. They are self-protective. The more experiences we have that are threatening, the more self-protective we are likely to become.

The problem comes when you don’t know where your own boundaries are until they have been crossed. This can make you vulnerable, defensive, antagonistic, and can even put your safety at risk. Often, the other person/people in the conversation don’t even know they have crossed a line. Your sudden change in manner can be a shock to them and even to yourself.

How do you avoid this? Think about your boundaries in advance. Below are some guiding questions to get you started. I recommend you add to it any time you get asked a question that triggers a warning bell in your head. Revisit this exercise every few months, when you are nearing a major transition related event, or when you’re going to be interacting with people you haven’t seen in a while (family gatherings). For each question, try to answer it for a variety of different people in your life – a co-worker, a friend, a parent, your doctor, another member of the trans community, etc.

General Info: Are you comfortable…

disclosing your birth name?
explaining why you prefer the pronouns you use?
talking about your experiences of dysphoria?
talking about specific strategies you use to change your appearance or presentation (binding, packing, tucking, padding, etc)?
talking about how supportive your family, significant other, or other people in your life are?
talking about what support groups you attend/are a part of?
talking about wait times, difficulties finding a trans friendly family doctor, and other systemic barriers?

Medical Info: Are you comfortable…

talking about medication you are on related to transitioning?
talking about changes you are experiencing as a result of those medications?
disclosing what surgeries/surgery you are interested in having/have had?

Legal Info: Are you comfortable…

talking about legal documentation changes?
discussing transphobic politics and policies?

This is by no means an exhaustive list of topics that might come up related to your own or your partner’s transition or gender identity. If your partner is the one who’s information you would be sharing, go through this list with them so they can tell you what they are comfortable with you sharing with people in your life. My husband is typically a fairly private person (at least compared to me), but often had much looser boundaries when it came to me sharing info with my coworkers or friends if they were people that he was unlikely to interact with.

Now that you know your boundaries, what do you do or say when someone asks something that you are not comfortable talking about? Try saying exactly that – “Sorry, that isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with you.” Another phrase I use a lot (because there is rarely something I’m actually not comfortable talking about with someone) is “That is not actually something you should typically ask about a trans person.” They usually respond with “Oh, really? I had no idea.” You can also add phrases such as “Thank you for your concern” or “Thanks for trying to learn more about my experiences/trans issues” or “If you want to learn more about that I would recommend [appropriate resource].”

So whose responsibility is it to do the educating? I believe that no amount of reading on the internet can substitute for face to face conversation and personal anecdotes. But that doesn’t mean that it is always up to the minority to educate the majority. People from or connected to the trans community should not be responsible for providing all necessary information to everyone around them (especially medical professionals). That would be more than exhausting. But you will need to provide the people in your life with enough information to get them from unconsciously ignorant to consciously ignorant and explain how important it is that they educate themselves further. It will also help if you can provide them with specific resources that speak to you. They are much more likely to absorb the information they are getting from other sources if they are confident that it is relevant to your experience.

What other topics or questions would you add to the list? How do your boundaries change depending on your situation or the person you’re talking to? What phrases do you use to identify your boundaries to other people? Was there a situation where you shared something that you realized in retrospect had crossed your personal boundary? Tell me what happened in the comments below!

They/Them Pronouns

Pleural vs Singular, General vs Specific

They/them pronouns are typically seen as a plural pronoun because that is how we use it consciously. But unconsciously, we use it all the time when referring to a single person who’s gender is unknown. In this case, it is an umbrella term that is a stand in for the appropriate pronouns instead of saying he/she all the time. However, some people who don’t identify strictly as male or female may prefer they/them pronouns. In this case, it is a specific identifier, just like he and she.

If it is confusing for you to think of the same word having both a specific meaning and be an umbrella term, think of how we use the word Kleenex. Kleenex is a specific brand of facial tissue but most of the time, when we ask for a Kleenex, we are asking for whatever facial tissue is available.

It is the same with they/them pronouns. Most of the time, neutral pronouns are used as a stand-in or umbrella term to indicate a person regardless of their gender. But, occasionally, and this will be happening more and more, we are using it to identify a specific non-binary person. And having both uses for the same word is ok.

Sticking Points

When we use they/them as an umbrella term it is still the assumption that the person’s gender will be clarified to either be male or female. I’m hoping this will change as non-binary visibility and acceptance improves. If, in fact, their gender gets clarified to indeed be non-binary, it just means that you’ve been gendering them correctly the whole time and don’t need to change your pronoun usage, though the meaning will shift from an umbrella term to a specific pronoun.

If this dual meaning and the shift in meaning isn’t apparent to some people, they can be left with a sense of unfamiliarity when using they/them pronouns, as though they are using an umbrella term to refer to a specific person. They feel vaguely like they are waiting for more information about the person in order to clarify their gender, or that people who use they/them pronouns must have a vague gender identity.

Indeed, non-binary is an umbrella term as well. People of many different types of gender identities may choose to use they/them pronouns. But this doesn’t mean that their own sense of their gender is vague (see my post on How I Conceptualize Non-Binary Genders). They may choose to use non-binary as a label for ease of communication but have other labels that are more representative (for example, see The Labels I Use and Why for my personal explanation of this).

Some people feel like singular they pronouns are difficult to use or don’t feel right because they feel like they are calling a single person a plural pronoun. Again, this is just a misunderstanding of how we use they/them pronouns in everyday language. They are recognizing the conscious plural use but not realizing that they unconsciously use it in the singular form all the time. In my experience this just takes practice. Once you’ve heard people being referred to by neutral pronouns it makes sense.

How to Learn to Use They/Them Pronouns

Learning to use new pronouns, especially neutral ones, can be difficult. I have a few tricks.

Put the pronouns next to their name in your phone
Anytime you think of that person, say their name followed by their pronouns in your head 5 times
Work to change your mental image of the person to match their identity and their image of themselves so that it overrides your previous view of them (and potentially their physical presentation) and the correct pronouns are more likely to come out first
Hang out with people that are at least trying to use the correct pronouns
Be open to being corrected and get used to gently correcting others. Set ground rules that you will correct each other as needed (I am still terrible at this).

Do you use they/them pronouns or know someone who does? What was the process like for you in getting used to using they/them or teaching other people how to? Do you have any other tricks or ways of explaining it that have helped? Leave a comment below!!

6 Months of Self-Discovery

What I Knew at the Beginning

I have both male and female gender
I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity

Fears I Had

My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.

Goals of Self Discovery

Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
Find ways to communicate my identity to others.

6 MONTHS LATER…

What I Know Now

I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).

Did My Fears Come True?

Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.

Did I Achieve My Goals?

Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.

Still Working On…

Coming out to people slowly, including my family
Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to

Looking Ahead

Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
Being a non-binary parent

What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!

Visibility and Representation

VISIBILITY

I define visibility as feeling seen by those around you, consciously or unconsciously. This can be specific to a particular aspect of your identity or a recognition of the complexity and intersectionality of different parts of your identity.

Visibility is also being recognized by a stranger as belonging to the same group giving a sense of solidarity and community. Being visible as a queer person can give unspoken support for someone in the closet who may be struggling. This can be done using symbols, colours, flags, or expression styles.

Initially, as a gay person, I used rainbows for visibility. Then, after Jake and I started dating (before Jake’s transition), I was much more visible as being queer by being part of a gay couple and talking about my wife. When Jake transitioned I loss this visibility because I am now seen as part of a straight couple and I talk about my husband. I struggled with this loss of visibility because it felt like a loss of identity. Once I recognized it as a visibility issue I went back to my previous habits of using rainbow symbols and talking about the queer aspects of my identity more openly. It took a bit of work to find ways of doing this that didn’t out Jake as trans but it’s definitely possible.

More recently, I’ve wanted to be visible as genderqueer or nonbinary. This is still fairly new and since I’m not ready to be as open about it with everyone in my life I have to rely on symbols/flags that other genderqueer people will recognize or changing my appearance such as cutting my hair short. More on this to come.

REPRESENTATION

I think of representation as seeing yourself in media, or at least seeing realistic portrayals of a particular aspect of your identity. Often, appropriate representation isn’t spontaneously available and I have searched for it online.

As with visibility, the representation I feel connected to has shifted over time, through Jake’s transition and into my own gender exploration process. Initially, lesbian role models spoke to me the most, then trans masculine role models while I was trying to understand Jake’s identity and experiences, and now, nonbinary and genderqueer role models are what I connect with the most.

I have found both visibility and representation to be extremely important to me, especially with aspects of my identity that are typically invisible. Do you find visibility and/or representation important? How has your need for and type of visibility and representation changed as your identity has evolved? Leave a comment below!

Why I Don’t Identify As Trans

Trans

The root word trans typically means across or change. As a queer identity it has two main meanings. The binary version is that a trans person identifies with the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth (still the way society interprets the label). The gender spectrum version is that they do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (this is the definition that I use). None of these definitions really fit me as I still do identify with the gender I was assigned at birth but I also identify with other parts of the gender spectrum at the same time.

experience with a label is important

My experience with the trans label is primarily through my husband’s transition from female to male. This involved a change of name both socially and legally, a change of gender pronouns and legal gender marker, and various components of a medical transition. None of this applies to me or what my personal acceptance and exploration path looks like (at least not yet).

Trans is not the same as ‘not cis’

For me, Trans is a specific identity that covers many different types of experiences but not necessarily all identities that are not cis. Many people use it as an umbrella term to cover any identity that is not cis-gendered (their gender matches what they were assigned at birth). Technically I would fall under that umbrella term. But that is not how I define trans. I don’t see ‘trans’ and ‘cis’ as opposites. Someone else with an identity similar to mine is totally free to use the label trans if it suits them.

Presentation

Even though my presentation is often fairly masculine, I am socially read as female. If I used the label trans I would either be read as a pre-T trans guy or a trans woman (which is a label that is generally used by AMAB people who identify as female), neither of which applies to me and really just confuses the situation.

Me

My gender is both the same as what I was assigned at birth and includes a component that is different from what I was assigned at birth. My husband’s experience is very different from mine and I strongly associate the label ‘trans’ with his experience. Many people who are not cis have a feeling of being ‘not trans enough’ to earn the label or to ‘qualify’ to use the label trans. I too have to fight against the feeling of not being legitimate in my gender experience but since I do not have an affinity with the label ‘trans’ I can’t express it using the phrase ‘not trans enough’. I have found other labels I prefer which you can read about here.

What is your definition and experience of the label Trans? Is it a label you identify with? Have you struggled with other people assuming your identity is something other than what it is as a result of using the label Trans? If you don’t associate with the label Trans, what other labels do you use instead? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns

I recently went on a vacation with my husband where I was attending a conference and was able to pick the name and pronouns that would appear on my ID badge. My husband asked if I wanted to use my male name, Ray, and they/them pronouns as an experiment to see how it felt. After some thought and a couple of conversations with trusted friends I decided to go for it.

My gender identity includes a female component which I was assigned at birth (named Meaghan) and a male component which I began to experience in the middle of grade 10 (named Ray). I am Meaghan in my everyday life and for a long time kept the name Ray and that part of my identity hidden. Since my husband began his transition from female to male I have been exploring my own gender more. (More on my own story here, my exploration process here, and my identity labels here).

Lately, I have begun using the name Ray and using neutral pronouns among other queer/gender non-conforming friends. This group of people are generally better at adjusting names and pronouns because they’ve had more practice and are more flexible in their thinking about identity. This allows me to express the part of myself that generally feels hidden or invisible to society. It has helped me feel more seen, more whole, and more authentic with a lot less fear and judgment.

The first few times I tried this were incredibly nerve-wracking. What would people say? Would they make mistakes? Would they correct themselves? Would I have to correct them? How would I feel? Would I get weird looks from the people around us? As it turned out, my friends were great and no-one around us seemed to notice. Maybe they assumed that by Ray I really meant Rae as in short for Rachael but who cares. It felt awesome.

When my husband was at the beginning of his transition and was trying to find a name that fit we went through a similar process of testing different names. We quickly figured out that when you’re only two people hanging out with each other you rarely use each other’s first name. So we did a trial period while we were on vacation and were more likely to be introducing ourselves to people or talking to each other from a distance. Turns out when the vacation is a camping trip where you are trying to avoid human contact this also doesn’t work very well. But it did give us an extended period of time when we forced ourselves to think of my husband using different names and in the end did help him settle on one. (More on my husband’s transition in Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3).

My situation was slightly different. When I first began to experience having a male identity it included the name Ray right from the beginning. So I didn’t have to look for a name or test a few out and narrow it down. I’m also not transitioning to using that name at all times instead of my female one. I want to be able to use either name depending on the situation and how I feel at the time. Ideally, I’d be using each name 50% of the time but I don’t think that is feasible, at least not yet.

So when my husband suggested I opt for using the name Ray and using neutral pronouns for the entire week at the conference I decided to go for it.

I wasn’t sure how it would feel to hear myself be referred to by that name all the time. What if it felt just as uncomfortable because I wasn’t hearing my female name anymore? What if I got weird looks or comments? What if it was just such an intense experience that it was distracting or exhausting?

None of this happened. It was awesome.

Typically when you change your name people make a lot of mistakes because they have known you by a different name previously. And if you’re just testing out a name and ask them to switch back and forth it’s even less likely to work. Since I was introducing myself to the people at the conference for the first time and I was wearing a name badge with my name right on it this didn’t happen. They got it right the whole time because they had no other name to call me.

The pronouns were a different story. People still defaulted to female pronouns even though I had ‘they/them’ printed below my name on my badge. I wasn’t the only one at the conference that used neutral pronouns. And it was standard that everyone had their pronouns printed on their badge. So in general the conference was very proactive and supportive. But still, people struggled to wrap their heads around using they/them. When this became evident on the first day I changed my expectations from ‘a chance for me to feel seen and live authentically for a week’ to ‘a chance for people around me to be exposed to they/them pronouns and have a chance to practice with them’. This reframing helped decrease the frustration, disappointment, and dysphoria immensely.

The whole experience also gave my husband a chance to practice using the name Ray and they/them pronouns when referring to me. I know he’s nervous about struggling with this, especially because I’m not switching 100% and will potentially be asking him to switch back and forth in different situations. I don’t know how to make this easier for him but I’m sure we’ll figure it out as we go along.

I highly recommend testing out names and pronouns on vacations or isolated opportunities such as social groups, camp, or conferences where you are meeting people for the first time that you are less likely to interact with after the fact. As it turned out, I have kept in touch with a lot of the people I met and therefore have had to re-introduce myself using my female name but hopefully, since they were primed to think of my as Ray first, they will see me as a combination of the two.

Have you experimented with a different name or different pronouns? How did the experience work out for you? Have you ever been asked by someone else to use a different name or different pronouns? What was difficult about this and what made it easier? Tell me your story in the comments below!