Tag: Expression

Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-binary Person

If you have read any of the other posts in the Pregnancy and Parenting category, you’ll know that Jake and I have been trying to get pregnant for a while now. So naturally, we think ahead to what it will be like to parent as a trans man and a non-binary person.

Below are some of the things we’ve discussed in relation to my identity as a non-binary person. Note: other non-binary parents may have different responses to these situations and my responses may very well change in the future. And that is totally fine! Think of this as a time capsule of what we’re thinking at the moment.

WHAT WILL THE KID CALL ME?

For the most part, I am comfortable with mom or mother. Mommy is a bit less comfy. I have seen various terms that other non-binary parents use such as Baba, Mapa, Maddy, Mappy, etc. None of these feel like they really fit for me but maybe I will just have to pick one that feels the closest and I’ll get used to it.

Another common one is Ren or Renny from parent. I quite like this one but it would not be as intuitive to others what it meant so it would take more explanation on our part or our child’s part. Maybe this is ok and wouldn’t be as difficult or frustrating as I’m picturing.

The other one I’ve thought of is Mur which is a sounded-out version of M.R. for Meaghan Ray. It also sounds like a shortened or slurred form of mother. So maybe I’ll use that.

I’m sure the kid will have their own opinions about what fits so I guess we’ll see what happens.

EXPLAINING MY IDENTITY TO MY KID

Initially, I won’t be telling my kid anything specific about my own gender identity because they won’t necessarily understand and they definitely won’t understand the safety concerns of who to tell and who not to tell. But we will have lots of kids stories about gender diversity and have lots of conversations about gender and gender presentation and preferences geared towards whatever stage they’re at.

When my kid is more preteen age I will likely tell them about my own gender identity. If my kid ever asks outright what my gender is I will be open and honest and deal with whatever personal consequences come from that.

NAVIGATING SYSTEMS

Whether it’s school systems or pediatric medical care, I will likely be identified as the mother on all the paperwork and to all the professionals. I will likely take that one situation at a time and if I come across an inclusive professional or an inclusive form, I will likely be open about my identity (as long as my kid was also aware of it at that time).

We will look for spaces where our kid, and us as parents, can hang out with other queer families so we don’t feel isolated in these various experiences.

PREPARING THE KID TO FIELD QUESTIONS

Depending on what we have told our kid about my identity and how they are referring to me, this may generate questions from other kids or teachers and other parents. We will not be able to control how our child responds but we can have conversations both before and after these questions come up about what they might say, how they felt about being asked the question, and if they feel like they want to ask any questions of us.

All we can do is instill an open minded and positive view of gender in our child and hope that that is what they represent in their answers to others. If they encounter a negative response as a result of my identity, we will debrief with our child and address it with the most responsible adult directly. This is probably the thing I am the most apprehensive about so we’ll see how it goes.

WILL WE RAISE OUR CHILD GENDER NEUTRAL?

Socially, emotionally, and physically – yes, as much as possible. This means playing sports and rough housing with them while teaching them how to be gentle. Modeling and teaching them emotional intelligence and emotional coping skills. Giving them access to a variety of toys, clothing, and accessory options.

However, we will not be using they/them pronouns for our child. We will be using the pronouns that align with their sex. Though neither of us are cisgender, statistically speaking, our child will be. As someone who prefers they/them pronouns, I understand how difficult it is to get people to use them and understand why I am asking them to. It can be quite upsetting for me when I have explicitly asked them to and they don’t. So having to fight for the same thing for my child would be way too much of a struggle and way too emotionally taxing for me when they are likely to be cisgendered.

As I said above, we will frequently be asking our child about their gender using whatever terms they understand. If they ever display a preference for other pronouns, we will adjust accordingly and immediately. For me, being flexible and open is more important than being strictly neutral from the start.

Do you have a child or are you planning on it in the future? What terms do you use? How have you discussed gender with your child? Leave me a message below!

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E3: Personal Transition: Gender Exploration

OVERVIEW

The first stage of transition is the personal exploration of your gender. We discuss what the process of exploring your gender feels like, how each of us figured it out in different ways, and what it’s like to be the partner of someone going through the gender exploration process.

Sorry for the variable sound quality. We are still trying out different set ups to find something that works for us.

SHOW NOTES

  • Exposure to a concept or identity that resonated with us
    • Looking up other people’s experiences on YouTube
    • Being fascinated by people’s experiences without knowing why until later
  • Finding language to express ourselves and define our identities
    • Other people’s labels don’t necessary feel right for you
    • The labels that feel right shift throughout the exploration process
    • The trans label comes with a lot of weight
    • Takes a while to find your own meanings for labels that fit
  • Exploration is often driven by the feeling of not fitting with the gender you were assigned at birth and how people relate to you as a result (dysphoria)
    • Trying to minimize it guides us in a direction towards our actual gender
    • Often have been experiencing dysphoria for a while but didn’t know what it was called and once we have the word for it it feels huge and way more painful than it did before
    • Physical dysphoria, social dysphoria, mental dysphoria
    • Fairly easy to tell what you are dyphoric about
  • Sometimes we encounter gender euphoria and exploration is driven by finding that experience again
    • Trying on different clothes when playing dress-up or secretly raiding a family member’s closet

Jake’s Experience

  • Minimal physical dysphoria, mostly social dysphoria
  • Voice causing people to gender him as female
  • Explorations
    • Cutting hair short
    • Wearing a binder
    • Trying a packer
    • More masculine style
  • Very nervous that people would notice immediately
  • Very scared of what the implications were of this feeling good, progressed very slowly
  • Looking for a new name
    • Flipping through baby books
    • Making a short list
    • Ordering different things online with a different name each time
    • Kept coming back to Jake and eventually it stuck
  • Eventually decided that he definitely did not feel comfortable being female
    • Even if he didn’t do any medical transition, he still felt more male than anything else
  • Exploration doesn’t end
    • Now that he is more comfortable in his maleness he is exploring some of the female things that he would never have done before
      • Longer hair
      • Nail polish
      • Earings back in

Meaghan Ray’s Experience

  • Exploration was a lot easier because they already new their identity but needed strategies to manage dysphoria, especially at work
    • Similar strategies as Jake
  • Had a very clear gender related experience in Grade 10 where they were a boy named Ray for a few days, then back to Meaghan, then back to Ray
    • Kept up for 2-3 months
    • Was very confusing and frustrating and destabilizing
    • Ended up making a list of personality traits for Meaghan and a list of personality traits for Ray, drew lines between the ones that matched, and from then on lived as that person
    • Buried the whole experience very deep until Jake started talking about gender and they found language and space to explore it in a positive way
  • Needed something more concrete to follow for exploration than Jake
    • You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox
    • Created a gender tracker to see how much their gender fluctuated between male and female for both physical and social sense of gender
    • Learned that their period affects their gender and that their physical and social sense of gender can shift separately which they will use different strategies to manage
  • Trying on a dress privately
    • Thought it would feel wrong but it felt like a non-binary person wearing a dress
    • It did not erase their sense of identity which was encouraging
  • At the end of exploration, they now have many more strategies that help and a much better understanding of who they are and how to express it to people

Partner Experience

  • Seeing Jake with a flat chest in a binder helped change Meaghan Ray’s mental image of him
  • If the partner is cis it can be very difficult to understand what’s happening
    • Some trans people are not willing to include the partner in their exploration process and just show up as their new self which is very threatening and sudden for the partner
    • Instead, Jake included Meaghan Ray in the process and they helped look stuff up, break things down into smaller steps so it was less scary, tested things out during a camping trip, provide encouragement and support
  • Your experience is your own
  • Need to find your own sources of support as a partner
  • Don’t know how to talk about it yet because everyone is still just figuring it out
  • The more open we are with each other the easier it is to keep our relationship strong
  • We happen to both be AFAB and heading in the male direction
    • Some strategies worked very well for both of us
    • Some things worked very differently for each of us
    • Some things worked for one of us but not at all for the other

Resources

  • FTM
    • YouTube Channels: Chase Ross at uppercasechase1, Ty Turner, Jammiedodger
    • Books: This One Looks Like a Boy
  • NB
    • Podcasts: Gender Rebels, They/Them/Theirs
    • YouTube Channels: Ashley Wilde, Ash Hardell
    • Instagram hashtags to create a community for yourself

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E1: Language and Labels

OVERVIEW

Language and labels are used to communicate our identities to others but for trans people, the first step of this process is finding language and labels to understand and define our own identities.

There is a ton of language that is specific to the trans community and trans experiences and identities. As the partner of a trans person, finding this language can be helpful but also overwhelming.

The social context and definitions of labels change over time. Labels should be tools for self-definition, not boxes that we force people in to. Having a variety of labels can help you communicate your identity in a variety of contexts and still feel authentic.

Our identities change over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed.

To listen to the full podcast episode, scroll down to the bottom of the page for the audio player or search for Let’s Talk Gender and subscribe in your favourite podcast app.

SHOW NOTES

Language

  • Finding language to understand your own identity
    • Talking to people from the queer community
    • Looking things up online, YouTube
  • Having a lack of language makes it very difficult to understand your own identity
  • Feeling overwhelmed as a partner with all the new language and information
    • Often feel one step behind the trans person
    • Find your own resources and look up your own language and then ask the trans person if this matches their experience
  • Finding new language to refer to yourself and your body to make yourself more comfortable
  • The internal tension of referring to someone incorrectly to protect their identity/for their own safety
  • So much gendered language that we have to change beyond just pronouns when someone transitions
  • Communicating our identities to others requires bridging the gap between our understanding of language and terms and theirs
    • Can go along with the terms/narrative that others understand to achieve the goal of the conversation
    • Often takes a lot of energy to correct their use of language and explain the nuances
    • Very difficult to explain non-binary experience or request neutral terminology and pronouns (hopefully this will get better in the future)

Labels

  • Generational gap
    • Labels seen as negative from when they were used as slurs
    • Too much language, that it’s evolving too fast
    • Reclaimed language used in a positive way by younger people but still viewed as negative by older people
  • Labels being put on you can feel negative
    • It tells you how they are seeing you but doesn’t change who you are
  • Labels are terms for self-definition
    • Allow communication of your identity
    • Helps you find community
    • Helps you connect with people who have similar experiences
  • The more labels you have that you are comfortable with that have different connotations or definitions the more flexible you can be
    • Specificity vs generality
    • Widely understood vs newer or less well known terms
  • The interconnection of labels for sexuality and gender can make some labels easier to use than others
  • Feeling like you have to justify the labels you use can be frustrating and make you feel defensive
  • The labels we use
    • Trans, non-binary, co-gender
    • Queer, gay, neutrosexual, pansexual
    • Trans vs transgender vs transexual
  • Not everyone feels the need to have lots of labels or any at all and instead, prefer the more general terms
  • Our identities evolve over the course of our lives and we need to give ourselves permission to re-evaluate our labels and explore new labels as needed

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Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises

If you haven’t read it yet, check out Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects. I will refer to the same areas of the body and some of those effects in this post.

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS

  • Try to wear it as short a time as possible. Most recommendations state no longer than 8 hours but if you work 8 or 10 or 12 hour days, that just isn’t possible. Just know that the longer you wear it, the worse the above effects will be.
  • Try to wear it as few days as possible. If you have severe dysphoria and can’t leave the house without a binder on, try to have one day a week where you stick close to home so you can stay binder free. Or try other slightly less compressive options as many days of the week as possible.
  • Avoid exercise while wearing a binder. Your lungs cannot expand the way they need to during exercise which forces your heart rate to go up significantly more to compensate. Also, you will have poor spinal and shoulder mobility, causing stress and damage to other joints, muscles, and tendons.
  • Do not bind while sleeping. When we sleep we are not aware of discomfort. You could be causing damage and not know about it. Also, while you are unconscious and thus not aware of dysphoria, this is the ideal time to take a break from binding.
  • Never bind with ace bandages. The tension in the wrap can shift over time causing one layer to loosen and another to tighten beyond what is safe.

EXERCISES

Deep breathing

Benefits lungs, ribs, and pelvic floor.

For the following exercises:

  • Best done in a seated position but can be done lying on your back.
  • If you start to get light-headed, breathe normally until it clears.
  • If you have COPD, skip the first exercise and focus on breathing all your air out between each deep breath in.

Active Breathing Cycle

  • Take a deep breath
  • Hold it in for 2-3 seconds
  • Let all the air out by compressing the lungs until they are empty
  • Take a full deep breath, then breathe normally for 5 breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Diaphragmatic breathing

  • Place a hand on your upper belly, just below your breastbone
  • On each breath in, take a deep breath, pushing your tummy out into your hand
  • Try to minimize the rise or widening of your chest
  • Try to only move your tummy to breathe
  • Cycle of 5 belly breaths and 3 regular breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Lateral Costal Breathing

  • This one is a little harder and may take some practice
  • Place your hands on the sides of your ribs (either by bending your elbows or giving yourself a hug)
  • On each breath in, take a deep breath, trying to make your chest as wide as possible and pushing your ribs out into your hands
  • Try to minimize the rise of your chest and the expansion of your belly
  • Cycle 5 wide breaths and 3 regular breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Spine and rib movements

Restores general mobility to the spine and ribs.

Thoracic Side Bending

  • In a seated position, hold on hand on your ribs at the side.
  • Bend towards that hand, bringing the other arm up and over your head.
  • Hold stretch for 10-20 seconds while breathing deeply.
  • Repeat to the other side.
  • Repeat each side 3-5 times.

Thoracic Rotation

  • In a seated position, cross your arms high on your chest so you’re grasping your shoulders.
  • Gently rotate as far as you can one way, and then slowly as far as you can the other way.
  • As you go, you should feel less resistance and be able to rotate a bit further without pain or muscle cramping.
  • Repeat 15-20 times.

Flexion and Extension

  • In a seated position, reach forward, curling your neck, shoulders, and upper back as you breathe out.
  • Take a deep breath in, opening your arms, pulling your shoulders back, and arching your upper back.
  • Complete 5 repetitions, take a break to breathe normally for 3-5 breaths, then repeat 2 more times.

Spinal Twist

  • Lie on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your arms spread out on the floor.
  • Keeping your shoulders flat on the floor, let your knees, hips, and lower back rotate down to one side.
  • Take a deep breath in and out, then pull your knees up and rotate them the opposite direction.
  • Alternately, you can start by lying on one side and, keeping your knees on the floor, lift the top arm and rotate your shoulders across to try and get them flat on the mat and then repeat on the opposite side.
  • Repeat 5-10 times.

Neck Range of Motion

  • Tip your ear to your shoulder, roll your head down to the middle, then the opposite ear to your shoulder, and back up to the middle.
  • Breathe slowly and evenly throughout.
  • Pay attention to where you feel muscle pull. Don’t force the stretch in these areas but pause in the circle to take a full breath in and out in these areas.
  • Repeat 5-10 times, alternating direction.

Chin Tuck and Neck Extension

  • Without looking down or bending your neck forward, tilt your head to tuck your chin in (like you’re trying to create a double chin).
  • With one or both hands, grasp the back of your head and gently pull up. You should feel a stretch right at the base of your skull.
  • You can also add a bit of sideways pull.
  • Hold the stretch for 5-10 seconds. Repeat 3-5 times.

Spine mobilization

Targets the thoracic (mid) spine and posterior ribs to decrease stiffness and stretch the ligaments.

For the following exercises:

  • You will need a foam roller
  • You will be lying on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your feet on the floor with the foam roller horizontal under your spine.
  • Only put pressure on the spine where the ribs connect to the spine, not down on the lower back or up on the neck.

Spine Rolling

  • Lift your hips of the mat so the only place of contact is your feet and the roll.
  • With your hands behind your head or crossed over your chest, gently roll up and down the roll by walking your feet along the floor while breathing deeply.
  • Spend more time in areas that feel stiff or sore.
  • Repeat 10-15 times.

Foam Roller Extension

  • Place the roll just above your bottom ribs.
  • Take a deep breath in, then slowly arch back over the roll as you breathe out. Only go as far as you are comfortable.
  • In the arched position, take a full deep breath in and arch a bit more when you breathe out.
  • Return to the start position and move the roll slightly higher on your spine. Repeat.
  • It should take 4-6 repetitions in different spots to cover your spine up to the shoulder blades.
  • Repeat the whole spine 3-5 times.

Shoulder mobility and mechanics

Shoulder and Arm Circles

  • Roll your shoulders forward, up, back, and down. Repeat 10 times.
  • Picture a clock face on your shoulder where 12 is up, 3 is forward, 9 is back, and 6 is down. Pull your shoulders into the 10:30 position. Hold them there while you raise your arms up to the sides.
  • With your shoulders stable and your thumbs pointing up, move your arms in circles from big to small and back to big. Change direction and go big to small to big again. Repeat 3-5 times.

Protraction and Retraction

  • Give yourself a hug, grasping your shoulders and pulling them forward to stretch your back. Take a deep breath in and out.
  • Pull your arms back and squeeze your shoulder blades together, stretching your chest. Take a deep breath in and out.
  • Repeat 5-10 times.

Overhead Reach with Scapular Rotation

  • Raise one arm out to the side and overhead.
  • Focus on rotating your shoulder blade so the point of your shoulder moves towards your ear.
  • Place your other hand just below your armpit. You should feel the edge of your shoulder blade push into your hand.
  • Repeat 5-10 times each side.

Don’t feel like you have to do all of these every day. Pick a few and do what is manageable. Focus on the ones that treat the area that is causing the most pain for you. The more you do them, the better.

If you have any questions, please leave me a comment and I will clarify or provide modifications. If you have any other exercises that you have found helpful, please also share those in the comments!

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Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects

Wearing a binder is sometimes the only way that a person with dysphoria related to having breasts can leave the house. The psychological and emotional impacts of dysphoria are often worse than the physical discomfort from the binder. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore the binder’s effects on our body.

I strongly believe that the more you know about something, the more you can do to make it better.

If you are someone who wears a binder, occasionally or regularly, and just suffers through the physical discomfort in order to manage dysphoria, I’m here to tell you there are ways to make the physical pain less. I can’t guarantee the strategies I talk about will get rid of it, but they will prevent worsening and decrease the pain.

This post is not designed to scare you. It is designed to give you accurate anatomical and physiological information about the various ways a binder can affect your body. In the next post, I will give you concrete ways to minimize these effects.

Disclaimer: I am a physiotherapist and as such have a strong understanding of anatomy and physiology. I am someone who wears a binder and has experienced these effects. I have not done any scientific research on the effects of binder use nor read any scientific research on this topic. I have attended a lecture by researchers who have looked at binder use and I have talked to many trans people about their experiences.

LUNGS

Your lungs are like an upside down tree. They have a main trunk, large branches, then smaller branches, all leading to little round bubbles called alveoli. They are roughly pyramid shaped with the smallest part at the top by your collar bone and the largest part in line with the bottom of your breastbone. They are a self-cleaning organ that requires a consistent exchange of clean air to remain healthy.

When you wear a binder, your lungs cannot expand to their full capacity. The restriction is mostly in a circle around the widest part of the lungs. In order to breathe, you have to expand more through the upper parts of your lungs which are much smaller. This restricts your body’s ability to get more oxygen when exercising and can make you lightheaded. The parts of your lungs that stay closed can become sticky and develop mucus which holds and breeds bacteria. Without taking time to fully expand your lungs when you take off the binder, this could develop into a chronic cough or pneumonia.

SPINE

Your spine is made of vertebrae stacked on top of each other with discs between the bodies and many ligaments and muscles connecting them together. It has a natural inward curve in the neck, outward curve in the upper back, and inward curve in the low back. The different areas of the spine are designed to move in different ways but over all it can bend forward and back, side to side, and rotate. These large movements are created by a small amount of movement between each vertebra.

When you wear a binder, it restricts the movement in the mid spine or upper back forcing the areas above and below to compensate and move more. The areas above and below become hypermobile which can cause pain. Because of the lack of movement in the mid-spine (the section under the binder), the ligaments and muscles become tight, short, and weak which will cause stiffness and pain even when not wearing the binder.

RIBS

Your ribs connect to your spine in the back and your sternum in the front. The joints in the front are more flexible than the ones in the back. The ribs are designed to move out and up when we breathe in. They have ligaments connecting them to the spine, cartilage connecting them to the sternum, and muscles connecting them to each other.

When you are wearing a binder, your ribs are restricted and compressed. The ligaments and muscles can tighten and shorten over time, decreasing your lung capacity even when not wearing the binder. The joints at your spine stiffen up, forcing the joints at the front to move more than they should in order to expand your chest to breathe. This can cause sharp pain by the sternum, or costochondritis. If you use something other than a safe binder to bind with, wear a binder that is too small, or wear your binder too long or too often, you can also cause fractures in your ribs.

SHOULDERS

Your shoulders are designed to have a large range of motion. In order to do get your arms above shoulder height and reach above your head, the structures around the shoulder have to rotate up and out of the way. This includes the shoulder blade, collar bone, and upper ribs. When these three structures rotate up, the tip of your shoulder comes towards your ear.

When wearing a binder, there is more pressure downwards on the collar bone and compression around the ribs. There can also be tension on the skin under your arm and around your shoulder. This all causes restriction in the ability of those structures to move up and rotate when you raise your arm. This can lead to a feeling of weakness in your arm, pain at the shoulder joint from tendons being pinched, and a loss of the body’s natural mechanics, and therefore strength, for overhead movements.

PELVIC FLOOR

Your pelvic floor is made up of many different muscles that form the bottom of your abdominal and pelvic cavity. If you think of this cavity as a pop can, the diaphragm is the top and the pelvic floor is the bottom with the abdominal muscles forming the sides and your organs inside. When you take a deep breath in, your diaphragm pushes down on your abdominal organs, increasing the pressure in the abdomen and pelvis. Your abdominal muscles and pelvic floor muscles absorb this pressure by expanding slightly while maintaining their contraction.

When wearing a binder, your diaphragm is not able to flatten fully and you are unable to take a full deep breath. This means that your pelvic floor muscles do not get the regular exercise of maintaining a contraction while stretching. They become weaker, tighter, and shorter. This can lead to pelvic pain from trigger points in the muscles, pain on penetration, and sometimes incontinence.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND EXERCISES

Again, this post was not designed to scare you. In Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises, I give you concrete ways to minimize these effects – general recommendations for binder use and a variety of exercises I recommend to counteract some of the effects discussed above.

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Name Options

Picking a new name is a quintessential part of gender transition. But not every trans person feels the need to change their name. Some are perfectly comfortable with their given name. Some have more than one name and use different ones depending on how they feel or who they’re with. This is my experience.

Meaghan

Meaghan is my given name and is not particularly gender neutral. But this doesn’t automatically mean I am uncomfortable with it. Most of the time, it feels like this name fits me. Even if I’m feeling more male, Meaghan still feels like it represents at least half of who I am so it doesn’t particularly feel wrong, just not wholly representative.

Ray

Ray is the name that I have always associated with the male part of my identity. At times when I am feeling more male than female, this name feels better than Meaghan. However, as a gender fluid person, there are many times when Ray would not feel comfortable so at the moment, legally or socially changing my name to Ray does not feel like a good option.

Meaghan Ray

This is my most preferred version of my name. I think of my name as being both Meaghan and Ray, almost as though it was hyphenated. I am considering changing my middle name to Ray so that it would appear this way on my documents. I have tried introducing myself using both names but everyone either thinks Ray is my last name and just uses Meaghan or just shortens it for ease unless I take the time to correct them or specify that I go by both names. But I am getting better at making it clear how I want to be referred to. And just knowing in my head that this name represents the whole of who I am, and especially knowing that this is how my husband thinks of me, is hugely helpful.

Meaghan With Occasional Ray

This is where I’m at right now. I typically go by Meaghan but use Ray in certain circles (ie with queer friends). The times when I get to use Ray are a breath of fresh air. They help me feel balanced. They help me feel seen. At times when I feel more male but I’m being called Meaghan, I can look forward to the next time I’ll be around friends who call me Ray.

Gender Neutral Alternative

For a while, I searched for either a way to combine Meaghan and Ray into a new name that was gender neutral or find a completely different name that would feel good more consistently than either one. But the more I searched, the more confident I became that these names are who I am. There are two separate parts of me and having two different names makes sense. Sure, navigating how I want to be identified is harder and more confusing for everyone around me but this is who I am. As I spend more time exploring my identity and building confidence, I get better and better at asking people to use the name that feels best at the time and correcting them when they get it wrong, just like with pronouns.

Just because you are trans does not mean you have to change your name. You can keep the one you were born with, use a different one occasionally, or combine two names if that feels best. If you are someone that feels perfectly content with your name even though you are not comfortable with your gender assigned at birth, this does not invalidate your identity or experience. I hope that sharing my experience with my names has helped give you more confidence with yours.

Please leave a comment below with your experience with names. Did you change yours, add a new part to it, or stick with the same one? I’d love to hear from you.

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Gender Presentation and Social Attention

Dressing for Yourself

Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to wear and you go ahead and wear it no matter what other people will think because it makes you feel good. Sometimes, you have to try on five different things before you find something that is comfortable. Sometimes, part of that struggle is the voice in your head warning you what other people will think or say or do if you wear what you want. Sometimes, the only place you get to wear what you want is in your own house. So you do. Sometimes, the need to keep ourselves safe is more important. But sometimes, you get to wear exactly what makes you feel your best and that is an amazing feeling.

Dressing Consistently

No matter how conservative or wild your style, keeping it consistent can help people that you see on a regular basis adjust to a new look or help people that are new in your life get a feel for who you are and what to expect. This is great if your gender is consistent and the clothes that make you feel good are similar day to day. Even if your gender fluctuates somewhat, you can keep your general style consistently somewhere in the middle of where your gender sits and play around with the style of more subtle things like jewelry, socks, undergarments, jackets, belts, shoes, and bags.

Dressing Differently Day to Day

What if your gender switches or fluctuates wildly day to day? In order to keep yourself comfortable and decrease dysphoria while increasing euphoria, you may end up dressing differently day to day. Strangers that you meet at the grocery store or on the bus won’t know the difference. People close to you who understand who you are will use your presentation as a signal of how to refer to you and interact with you in an affirming way. It’s the acquaintances that might be thrown off a bit. The coworkers, extended family, more distant friends, and others that you interact with on a repeating, semi-regular basis but who don’t know you well enough to know the whole story.

Dressing Differently After Transition

It can feel like a shock to those around you if your style changes dramatically after transition. Sometimes, this is what you want. You want to make it clear to people that the new name and pronouns are for real and make it obvious which one you expect them to use. Besides, you haven’t been able to wear what you really wanted to until now and suddenly you can! Sometimes, we can take this to the extreme initially after coming out and eventually back off and find our own, less extreme style.

Sometimes, you can sneak up to this change in style before coming out or slowly adjust your look after transition. A slower shift in style will bring less attention to you which can feel less threatening when you already feel like everyone is talking about you.

Dressing to Blend In

Sometimes we want to look like everyone else in a particular environment. Whether at work or at a baby shower, sometimes drawing less attention to ourselves by wearing something we feel slightly uncomfortable in is easier to deal with than the stares, whispers, comments, and self-consciousness. Sometimes, blending in is self-protective, either emotionally or physically.

Sometimes, being able to blend in as our true gender is all we’ve ever wanted. And that’s okay too. If the style that makes you comfortable is also one that blends in, that’s the best of both worlds. As long as it doesn’t feel like you have lost a part of your identity and visibility that you didn’t want to give up.

Dressing to Stand Out

Sometimes, we want the attention that dressing flamboyantly or differently will bring. We want people to see us for who we are. We want to showcase the parts of our identity that people tend to ignore to make themselves more comfortable. Sometimes, we don’t want people to feel comfortable. We want to shake things up, make a statement, be seen. This can be as simple as wearing nail polish and dangling earrings with your typical masculine business casual outfit to work or as dramatic as a sequined one-piece suit, brilliant makeup, a tutu, and four inch platform heels to the grocery store.

What types of attention have you gotten for dressing differently? How did your look change after transition? Do you usually dress for yourself or for a specific effect on others? Do you dress to blend in or stand out? Leave a comment or a picture of your favourite look below!

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Different Ways to Explore Your Gender

The period of time between wondering if you might not be cis and figuring out what your gender actually is can be confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating. There are many different ways to explore your gender. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. You might use all of these strategies at different times or only a couple of them. I hope this helps you find the most authentic and comfortable version of yourself.

Practical Experimentation

  • Try out a different presentation with clothing
  • Cut or grow your hair or try a wig
  • Use makeup or an app to try out facial hair (Snapchat, shaving apps)
  • Try a binder, packer, bra padding, or tucking
  • See what strategies decrease your gender dysphoria
  • See what strategies increase your gender euphoria
  • E.g.: the first time I wore a binder and saw myself in the mirror with a flat chest I knew that was how I was supposed to look.

Vicarious Experiences

  • Talk to other people with similar questions and identities
  • Listen to podcasts about gender (see my Resources page for a list)
  • Explore other people’s experiences on social media to see what resonates with you
  • Look at lists of labels and how different people define them to see if any of those definitions sound like your experience of your gender (if more than one feels right, that’s fine too! Labels aren’t boxes, they’re descriptors)

Process of Elimination

  • Determine what you for sure are NOT
  • Pay attention to what words, interactions, articles of clothing, or experiences make you feel less like yourself and head in the opposite direction
  • E.g.: I know I am not a girl but I’m not sure if I am a boy or agender.

Objective Guidance

  • Follow a guide for exploring your gender such as ‘You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery’ by Dara Hoffman-Fox or ‘How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker
  • Track your sense of your gender on a scale that makes sense to you (5 female to 0 to 5 male, 0 can represent neutral or no gender)
  • List things that you have tried and how strongly they felt right or wrong to you to see if there is a pattern (maybe things that feel good all relate to a specific direction on the spectrum or maybe they are from all different points in the spectrum and you should be looking at gender-expansive identities)
  • Talk to a therapist who specializes in gender identity (highly recommended regardless of which other strategies you try if you are able to access one)

Try it Out

  • Sometimes it is very difficult to see how something will feel until you hear yourself referred to in that way
  • Find a group of two or more close friends or family that you trust and test out different pronouns, a different name, or different identity labels (if it is only one other person they likely won’t be using your name or pronouns since we only do that when we refer to someone in third person)
  • Pick an event that happened to you on a specific day and write it out like you are a character in a story using the name and pronouns that you want to test out
  • Join an online chat group that is gender positive and use the name and pronouns you want to test out
  • Try it out in private, then with close friends or family, out anonymously in public, at a larger queer group or random event, and eventually in everyday life
  • E.g.: I had been using they/them pronouns as a default because I knew that she/her and he/him felt equally wrong but when my friend started using xe/xir for me so I could try it out I had finally found something that felt right.

What strategies have you used? What strategies did you find the most helpful? Where certain strategies more useful at different points in your gender exploration? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Note: the examples I used in this post are not my own experiences but are experiences I have heard other people describe.

Gender as a Spectrum vs Many Different Spectrums

The first definition of gender that I came across that differed from the binary definition was the idea of gender as a spectrum from male to female with neutral in the middle. For a long time this made sense to me. As someone who identifies as a mix of male and female, I could conceptualize and communicate my gender to others using this model.

Genderbread Person
Original Genderbread Person graphic showing sex, gender, presentation, and sexual orientation as separate concepts, each with their own spectrum.

However, since hearing more stories from other non-binary, genderqueer, and genderfluid folks, this model seems limiting. What seems more useful is seeing gender as separate spectrums. Male from 0 to 10, female from 0 to 10, and ‘other’ or ‘third gender’ from 0 to 10. This model allows for representations of identities such as agender, demiboy or demigirl, and bigender.

This shift is also important when looking at gender presentation. We often talk about presentation in terms of masculine, androgynous, and feminine. Androgynous can mean a blending of more subtle feminine and masculine traits or it can mean mixing the more extreme aspects of masculine and feminine presentation. A single spectrum from masculine to feminine would not be able to represent the difference in these two examples. With separate scales from 0 to 10, you could place a dot at 5 on both scales, or place a dot at 10 on both scales.

Gender Unicorn
Gender Unicorn showing separate scales for masculine and feminine aspects of gender identity, expression, sexual attraction, and romantic attraction.

Having two or more separate scales for gender identity and gender presentation does not exclude anyone. Cisgendered and cis-normative people can still represent their gender and presentation using this model. But it allows for the flexibility to represent many different non-binary and gender non-conforming experiences than a single spectrum does.

Have you ever used one of these models to rate different aspects of yourself? Is this newer model inclusive enough to represent your experience of the world? If not, what would you change? Have you ever asked your friends or family to rate themselves on a similar model? How did it go? Leave me a comment and tell me your experiences!