Tag: Euphoria

Let’s Talk Gender S2E4: Name, Pronouns, and Other Gendered Language

Hi everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender.

This episode is about figuring out how you feel about your name, pronouns, and other types of gendered language and how to decide what feels right. 

NAMES

Some people feel very uncomfortable with their birth name, either because it is typically interpreted in a gendered way or because it is associated with their past identity before coming out. 

Some people are perfectly comfortable with their name but decide to change it because of how it is interpreted by society or to signal their change of identity to others.

Some people are comfortable with their name and never feel the need to change it. 

Some people, and this is the version that relates to my experience, use different names depending on how they feel or what situation they’re in. 

I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name – Meaghan – because it represents the female half of myself. I also have the name Ray that represents the male half of myself. I think of myself as Meaghan Ray and will go by Meaghan or Ray or Meaghan Ray depending on the situation. Primarily I use Meaghan in everyday life and with family and Ray in queer spaces. So far I haven’t changed my name legally but I am considering changing my middle name to Ray.

But how did I figure out that this way of using different names was right for me? 

If you listened to Episode 1 of Season 2 you heard me talk about my initial gender experience in grade 10 where I was switching back and forth between Meaghan (female) and Ray (male). I had no idea why I was responding to the name Ray or where it came from. It just seemed to be part of my male identity from the start. So essentially, I never had to search for a name that fit. But that also meant that switching to a new, gender neutral name that would encompass both parts of myself didn’t feel right either. So I had to figure out how to use both Meaghan and Ray as names in a way that gave me a sense of balance and authenticity. 

At first it felt awkward and scary to introduce myself as Ray in queer spaces. One of the biggest experiments I did with this was going on a writing retreat on a cruise ship with a whole group of strangers that I may or may not ever interact with again. The organizers were very queer friendly and had everyone fill out a form stating what we wanted on our name badge. It didn’t have to match our legal name and would include pronouns. So I went with Ray and they/them pronouns. People followed through on the name really well because they had never known me as anything else. Pronouns were a different story but I’ll get to that in a sec.

If you are uncomfortable with your name and want to change it, here are a few strategies to try. 

Start with a gender neutral or more affirming nickname version of your name if one exists. If this feels better than your birth name, it not only points you in the right direction and gives you a bit of affirmation and euphoria but is also easier to get people to use without having to come out (if you don’t feel ready yet).

Look up gender neutral names in a baby name app or ask close friends what they think might fit you. Test out various names by writing about yourself in third person, using that name as an online identity, ask close friends to test it out with you, or put a different name in each time you order something online (or when ordering coffee) so you see how it feels when it arrives. 

There will be a name that you keep coming back to or that stands out as feeling right. Even if it’s not the one that everyone else thinks you should use, if it feels right to you, that’s the one to use. 

If you’re comfortable with your name, either because it is gender neutral to start off with or because it feels right regardless of what gender it flags to everyone else, that’s fine too! You don’t have to change it in order to be ‘trans enough’ or ‘nonbinary enough’ to claim a particular identity. 

Keep in mind though that people generally associate who you are with your name and may have trouble understanding how their perception of you is incorrect, and struggle to correct it, if your name is staying the same. If this turns out to be the case, you can always decide to change your name later if you feel you want or need to. 

PRONOUNS

Getting people to use they/them pronouns, and even more so neopronouns, is a big struggle. So much so that it has been a huge barrier to me feeling like it would be beneficial to come out as nonbinary. If I’m not changing my name and no one is going to use the correct pronouns anyway, why bother?

When I say that getting people to use they/them pronouns is a struggle, I’m comparing it to getting people to switch from female pronouns to male pronouns when my husband transitioned. That was still a struggle and took quite a while (and he still gets misgendered by coworkers four years later!) but at this point he almost always gets referred to using he/him pronouns by strangers. Not only will strangers forever label me as female and revert to she/her pronouns but even when I have explicitly asked someone to use they/them pronouns (and even have it printed on a badge I am wearing) they still struggle with it unless they have had prior experience and know other people who use they/them pronouns. 

There are a number of reasons why I think people struggle with they/them pronouns more than binary ones. 

I’m not even going to talk about the ‘it’s not grammatically correct’ hurdle because seriously, it is, you use them all the time as a singular pronoun already. 

The sticking point is that people don’t often use them consciously as singular pronouns. They only use they/them singular as a default when they don’t know someone’s gender such as when referring to an unknown person when they find an umbrella forgotten on a bus. To use they/them singular consciously seems to use different brain circuitry. 

Another component to this sticking point is that in those circumstances where they already use they/them singular, they are using it for someone who’s gender is unknown, not someone they know. Most people have an association with they/them pronouns as being ambiguous, vague, distant, a place-holder until you identify the person’s gender. So when we ask them to use they/them pronouns to refer to us, someone they know, it makes them feel like they are referring to us in a way that denotes distance in the relationship, not familiarity. 

When my husband socially transitioned and asked people to start using he/him pronouns, they struggled with it until their mental image of him was that of a male person instead of a female one. After that he was misgendered significantly less. This is another thing that creates difficulty with people adopting they/them and neopronouns. If people have a hard time conceptualizing nonbinary identities let alone applying that identity to me specifically, they will likely have a hard time automatically using the correct pronouns.  

I do have some strategies that I want to recommend to help people adopt a new name and/or pronouns if that is a change you want to make.

Request that they change your name or add your pronouns next to your name in their phone contact info for you. Every time you text or call they will be reminded of the correct name and pronouns. 

Have as many open conversations as you can with them about how you see yourself in terms of gender. The better they understand how you see yourself, the easier time they will have of changing their own mental image of you and therefore the name and pronouns that they associate with you. 

Have an ally with you who will model the correct name and pronouns. If you would like, this ally can also correct the other people’s use of name and pronouns or they can simply set a good example. 

Set ground rules about how you will correct their use of pronouns. You can use a code word, for example ‘potato’, every time they get it wrong, or you can correct them once during each interaction, if that’s all the energy you have, with the understanding that you expect them to correct themselves and each other from then on.

One suggestion I would stress is to make it clear that you expect them to use the correct pronouns and name for you even when you are not present and to correct each other if they get it wrong. This is the only way they will ever get it consistently right when you are around. 

OTHER GENDERED LANGUAGE

But of course, we can be misgendered by more than just our name or pronouns. There is lots of other gendered language that people use without realizing. 

There’s the everyday Ma’am and sir, ladies, guys, dude, bro, hey man, hey girl.

Then there’s the familial terms such as son, daughter, sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, niece, nephew, ect

If people I have come out to use those everyday gendered terms to refer to me I will say a quick ‘nope!’ or ‘not a lady’, ‘not a girl’, in response. This will sometimes lead to a brief conversation of what they should say instead and as long as they follow through on that next time, it can be a helpful interaction. 

If someone I’m not out to yet consistently uses those terms, especially when including me in a group of women (which happens often at my workplace), I will simply not respond to the general greeting because it didn’t actually apply to me. If they address me specifically or follow up with something else, I’ll respond per usual. I have noticed that this subliminal messaging has a decent effect on some people that I interact with on a more regular basis. Whether they’re aware of it consciously or not, they use those terms less and less when referring to me or addressing me, and they’ll find another way to get my attention. 

For the more formal familial terms there are lots of gender neutral options. Mx. is the gender neutral honorific instead of Mrs, Ms, or Mr. It is pronounced Mix which can be used instead of ma’am and sir as well. Those are most often used in a customer service setting where they could just as easily leave them off and say ‘can I help you?’ or refer to you as a customer, patron, or shopper instead of a woman or man. There is nibling for niece or nephew, sibling instead of sister or brother, child or first-born, eldest, youngest, etc instead of son or daughter. The gender neutral version of aunt or uncle is more varied and personal though I personally like Untie (pronounced UN-tee).  

Parental names are a whole other story. There are so many options for parental terms that are not mom or dad that it is hard to narrow it down or find one that feels right. By the time this episode airs, I will hopefully be a new parent so this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. 

Not only what will the child call me but how will I enforce that term with other family members when they are referring to me when talking to the child, especially if I’m not out to all those family members yet? And how much more misgendering will I have to deal with once the child is going to school? 

I will talk about this more during episode 8 when I talk about nonbinary pregnancy and parenting. And I will definitely be posting updates on this journey as a nonbinary parent on my blog. If you subscribe, you’ll get the updates in your inbox.

More recently, during the pregnancy experience, I have encountered a ton of gendered language around pregnant people being referred to consistently as women, mom, or mom-to-be. 

When talking about breastfeeding there is also a huge lack of inclusive terminology. So naturally, I wrote a blog post about that too, with a list of inclusive terminology suggestions for pregnancy, birthing, and feeding a baby. I will be talking more about that in Episode 8 as well.

TAKE AWAY

During my own journey of navigating names, pronouns, and other gendered language, I discovered that all three of these aspects affect me differently. 

For example, as I mentioned, I’m pretty comfortable with my birth name, except for the times I’m feeling almost exclusively male. Even so, I do feel like I need some time as being identified as Ray, just to feel like I maintain a balance and a feeling of authenticity and visibility.

I’m comfortable with she/her pronouns about 50-75% of the time, he/him pronouns about 25% or less of the time, and they/them pronouns 100% of the time. 

I’m rarely if ever comfortable with the generic female gendered language such as ladies, ma’am, miss or girl. I’m much more comfortable with generic male gendered language including sir, man, bro, dude and guys. 

I’m ok with certain female gendered familial terms but only if I’ve had specific conversations with the other people involved in that relationship and know that they see me for who I am but still prefer to use the same term due to the emotional history between us. If they’re comfortable shifting to a neutral option, that is generally more comfortable for me. 

All this to say, just because your name, pronouns, and other language people use for you may all relate to the gender you were assigned at birth which you no longer identify as or feel comfortable with, it doesn’t mean that all three of these things, or any of them for that matter, have to be uncomfortable for you or that they are equally so. 

I recommend looking at each of these aspects separately and seeing if they actually cause varying degrees of dysphoria. How they feel may be different depending on the context, who is using that name, pronoun, or language, or how your gender feels at the time (especially if you’re genderfluid like me). 

If this gets overwhelming, feel free to email me at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. Remember: You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 4 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 5 I will be talking about coming out as nonbinary, why it is so darn hard, and how to figure out whether it’s the right time and place to do it (again).

Talk to you soon.

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Let’s Talk Gender S2E3: Nonbinary Gender Presentation and Expression

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to Let’s Talk Gender. 

This episode is about nonbinary gender presentation and expression and how to figure out what works for you. 

EXPLORING MY GENDER PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

I think of presentation as things people would see in a picture – clothes, hair style, makeup, facial hair, accessories. Expression is everything else – behaviours, voice, how you walk, gesture, and move, conversation style, word choice.

As I was raised female and I am generally identified as a woman by strangers, I started by adopting a more masculine clothing style. I did this before I even knew it was a gender thing. This was a fairly low risk change in presentation because it is acceptable for women to dress more masculine in my social culture. However, the same is not true for someone who is typically identified as a man by strangers who wants to dress more femininely. For that person, a change in clothing might come much later in the process of exploring presentation and expression.

Body hair was another aspect of my appearance that I figured out fairly early on. I was never comfortable with shaving my legs and intermittently comfortable with shaving under my arms. So I followed my instincts with those, again, well before knowing it was even a gender thing. 

I have never had facial hair and haven’t experimented with it since I never felt like I wanted any though I have been thinking more about it lately and might try some experiments with makeup in the future. 

My hairstyle was next. I had always had longer hair but kept it tied back. I cut it shorter for cuts for cancer one year and loved it. I never went back to having full long hair but didn’t have the guts to keep it short either. Then the undercut style came into fashion which was prefect for me – the one time I actually wanted to follow along with a fashion trend! I slowly went from an undercut to a side cut, to just cutting the whole thing short. This was the single most euphoric thing I have done in terms of presentation. Even now, about two years later, every time I get a haircut it feels great. 

As someone who has breasts, I also wanted to try a binder. Having experienced my husband using a binder during his transition, I already knew that I would love how this looked and felt. Unfortunately due to a medical condition, I can’t wear it for very long or for more than two days in a row but this usually suits me fine as my gender fluctuates somewhat and usually doesn’t stay in the ‘male’ range for very long. I have since experimented with Trans Tape as well which definitely has a learning curve but on the third try I got a good result that I was comfortable with and will definitely keep it as an option in the future.

I have also experimented with wearing a small packer. This is something that was especially terrifying in public but I have come to realize that it is much more noticeable to me than to anyone else. So I mostly do it for the feel rather than the look. I find it particularly useful when I can’t wear my binder due to pain or length of time before I’ll have a chance to change, but I’m feeling more male and have moderate physical dysphoria. 

In terms of expression, I always naturally had a more neutral or masculine interaction style and didn’t have to work particularly hard to get rid of the more feminine mannerisms. However, I have noticed this to be more of a struggle for some nonbinary people, especially those who were socialized male. Often we are unaware of which of our mannerisms are being read as masculine or feminine by those around us until it is pointed out so if changing your expression is important to you, I recommend finding a trusted friend who is typically read by strangers the way you want to be read and have them give you feedback on your behvaiours, mannerisms, and conversation style. 

One aspect of expression I did specifically work on (and am still conscious of) is the pitch of my voice. As I’ve mentioned before on this podcast, when my husband’s voice lowered when he started taking testosterone, my voice sounded high in comparison. I worked at lowering the range of my voice and speaking in the lower part of my range until it became natural. Luckily I did have some singing training so I had lots of exercises that I knew how to do to strengthen or change the range of my voice. But if you don’t have this type of training you can definitely look up apps that will take you through these exercises.

I also became more conscious of how much I was apologizing and how often I would move over on a sidewalk or in a hallway, especially if a man was walking towards me and tried to avoid doing these things if they were unnecessary and simply a programmed reaction from being socialized female. 

THERE ARE NO RULES

The practical aspects of what you want to change about your gender presentation and expression and how you explore that are going to be different for everyone.

When I was looking for ideas of what to try that might feel good for me, I found Instagram to be very helpful. I followed nonbinary hashtags and found people to follow who had a look that I wanted to emulate. 

Remember there are no rules when it comes to nonbinary presentation and identity, despite what the media tells us. Nonbinary does not equal young, thin, white, assigned female at birth. Nonbinary presentation does not have to equal androgyny.

There is no such thing as ‘presenting as nonbinary’. Presentation and identity are two separate things. Do what feels right for you. 

HOW TO EXPLORE YOUR PRESENTATION AND EXPRESSION

But how do you figure out what feels right for you when the options are limitless? I’ll talk you through a step-by-step approach that we used during my husband’s transition and I used to experiment with some aspects for myself. 

Start by making a list of everything you can think of that you want to try. The questionnaire from Dara’s book that I talked about in Episode 2 helped me out with this a lot. Try to break it down as much as possible into small pieces. For example, say you want to try wearing nail polish. Clear nail polish is much more subtle than a brightly coloured one and black nail polish generally signals something different again. So if wearing a bright colour seems too scary or obvious, maybe add ‘wear clear nail polish’ to the list and start there. 

Next, make a hierarchical list of environments including a variety of places and the people you would be around from most safe to least safe or most scary for you. This can include at home by yourself, at home with your partner or family, at a trusted friend’s house, out in public with a trusted friend or your partner, at work, around extended family, etc. 

For each thing on the list, match it up with an environment that you would feel ok trying it in first off. Some of the more covert things might feel fine to do in public right from the start where some of the things on your list you might need to start by trying it in your most secure environment on the list. 

As you’ve probably guessed, the next step is to start trying things. Start with something that doesn’t feel too scary to you and slowly work your way through your list. 

First, I recommend trying each thing separately and later you can try combining parts of your presentation to see if that changes how you feel about a particular aspect. So for example, if you didn’t like wearing a skirt, that didn’t feel very good to you, later on, try wearing a skirt but with a more masculine top, or after you’ve cut your hair short, or while you have facial hair. Maybe the skirt will feel different in that context.

Once you’ve tried a few things in safe environments and figured out what you like, start trying them in the next environment down the list. 

This type of practical experimentation can feel exhilarating. It is scary but also euphoric. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and exhausting. Whichever way each experiment goes, it is definitely emotionally draining. So make sure you have a good self-care strategy in place for before, during, or after if needed. This can be a phone call check in scheduled with a trusted friend, meditation or journaling about the experience, making yourself your favourite meal afterwards, whatever works for you. 

As you figure out what you like, what feels authentic, and what is comfortable even if it’s too scary to do in public just yet, keep adjusting and adding to your list. Start looking for interesting combinations to try or something you had rejected a long time ago, before even becoming aware of your gender identity. 

For me, this was trying on a dress for the first time since high school prom.

PERSONAL EXAMPLE: WEARING A DRESS

I had this dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked.

I was expecting to feel very uncomfortable and dysphoric when I put it on so I collected a bunch of my more masculine jewelry and a leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I also made sure I was home alone and would have some personal time afterwards if I needed it. 

I brought everything to a room of the house that didn’t have any mirrors. And then I tried on the dress. At first it did feel uncomfortable. So I put on my jacket over top. That felt enough better that I wanted to take a picture of myself to see what I looked like. To my surprise and encouragement, I looked like my nonbinary self in a dress. I didn’t look like a woman I didn’t recognize. I had this irrational image in my mind that as soon as I put on the dress I would all of a sudden have long hair again, I would maybe have makeup on… Obviously, none of that happened. I still had short hair. I still looked like myself.

So I stepped out into the hall to see myself in a mirror. I spun in a circle and played with the skirt of the dress. I took off my jacket and looked at myself again. Yup, still nonbinary. 

While this experiment was a success in terms of turning out to be affirming and decreasing my fear of trying something, I still wouldn’t choose to wear a dress in public because of what it would signal to others. While I still saw myself and felt like my typical nonbinary self, it’s unlikely that strangers would when they read me as female when I’m wearing my most masculine clothes. 

But maybe, some day, I will feel comfortable going out in public wearing a long flowy skirt and a button up shirt with a binder or tape on and my leather bomber jacket on top. 

MANY REASONS FOR CHANGING YOUR PRESENTATION

There are lots of different reasons for presenting in different ways. Making yourself feel as comfortable in your own skin as possible is one of them. 

Safety is another one. Maybe it’s not safe for you to outwardly present in the way that would be most comfortable due to the threat of physical violence or the risk of losing your job, housing, or other forms of support and stability. In this case, you may choose to present in a way that blends in and find subtle or covert ways to present differently such as having your legs shaved or unshaved and wearing long pants most of the time, or wearing a more gender affirming style of underwear. Cutting or growing out your hair can also be less of a flag for people as it is much less tied to gender than many other aspects of presentation. 

Another reason to alter your presentation may be for social attention or visibility, or so we can be more easily identified as queer to others in the community. 

And sometimes we want to influence how people perceive us so they interact with us differently. I’ve noticed that people are less likely to interact with me in a feminine way or expect me to interact in a feminine way if I’m presenting more masculinely. This can help a lot with social dysphoria. I have definitely had days where I didn’t have a lot of physical dysphoria around my chest but I wanted to get people to interact with me as though I was male as much as possible so I wore a binder anyway. 

NONBINARY PRESENTATION IS LIMITLESS

Unfortunately, in the binary society we live in, strangers will always try to categorize us as either male or female. For this reason, there really isn’t such a thing as ‘passing’ as nonbinary. The closest thing I have seen would be making people confused or hesitate, or passing as male in one situation and female the next. 

Some people may find this inability to be recognized as who they are frustrating. Sometimes I do too. But I also find it liberating. If the goal isn’t to ‘pass’ as either male or female, you can do what you want. There are so many varieties of nonbinary presentations that I have seen. 

There’s something like me which is kind of androgynous, kind of masculine some days. I like wearing more fitted tank tops with more baggy bottoms, that type of thing.

There’s having a flat chest (either due to not having grown breasts, having had top surgery, or wearing a binder or tape) and wearing more feminine clothes and makeup.

There’s having a full beard (either due to having a body that naturally produces testosterone, taking testosterone as HRT, or wearing a fake beard or makeup) and then also wearing a dress at the same time.

You can present differently day to day or find something that is fairly consistent. 

You can take hormones to alter your presentation and expression in certain ways and then counteract some of the effects if they’re not for you such as wearing a binder or getting top surgery after taking estrogen or getting electrolysis to remove facial hair after taking testosterone. 

If you’re afraid of what a more permanent change might mean, look at both types of typical binary transition as well as nonbinary presentations. Maybe following a more typical binary transition will actually work for you. That doesn’t mean you are any less nonbinary (unless you decide for yourself that that label no longer fits). 

There are no rules. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. If you’re feeling lost, send me an email at letstalkgenderpodcast@gmail.com. I will try to help you connect with others that share your experiences or just be a sounding board if you need someone to listen. You are not alone. 

That’s it for Episode 3 of season 2 of Let’s talk gender. Among the resources for this episode are two blog posts I did on wearing a binder – the first one on physiological effects and the second on recommendations and exercises you can do to minimize these effects so check those out if you or someone you know wears a binder.

The music for this podcast is by Jamie Price. You can find them at Must Be Tuesday or on iTunes.

Coming up in Episode 4 I will be talking about how to navigate names, pronouns, and other language as a nonbinary person. As other nonbinary people will attest, there is way more gendered language out there than you realize! Talk to you soon.

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Staying Positive

The last few weeks of pregnancy are hard no matter what your experience is. You want it to be over but you’re nervous about the birthing process and having to care for the little being on the outside. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by frustration, discomfort, and anxiety, especially when dysphoria is thrown into the mix. So I’ve been asking myself a couple questions to keep myself focused on the positive and excited for the future. The answers to these questions will be different for everyone. Here are a few of my responses.

What am I going to miss about being pregnant (that I want to be fully present for while it’s still happening)?

  • Feeling the baby move
  • Feeling baby hiccups
  • Having a strong, visceral, automatic bond with this being
  • Being able to keep the baby fed, clean, and protected with my body
  • The extra fuzz around my face and hair on my belly and chest
  • The tenting effect of a shirt stretched out over my belly that hides my chest
    • Also my chest feeling smaller in comparison to my much larger belly

What am I looking forward to once I’m not pregnant (not related to the baby because who knows what that will be like, just for myself)?

  • Wearing my wedding ring
  • Sleeping in any position
  • Less pain, allowing me to walk without a cane or walker
    • Especially going for walks in nature with my husband and dog
  • Wearing my favourite clothes, especially underwear
  • Wearing a binder (eventually)
  • No more heartburn!

The other way to stay positive that works well for me is having a few key phrases that help me stay engaged and motivated despite constantly feeling uncomfortable. Again, these are very individual. What is helpful to me may not be to someone else but here are a few of the ones I’ve been using.

  • I am nonbinary, therefore my body is nonbinary, therefore my experience of pregnancy, birthing, and parenting is a nonbinary experience.
  • Stay cool and hydrated.
  • Rest when you need to but don’t give up on getting things done. Try again later or find a different way to do it.
  • Give the pets lots of attention and enjoy their cuddles.
  • Take it one day, one week at a time.
  • Every move the baby makes, no matter how uncomfortable, heavy, or nauseating, is a sign that they’re doing well.
  • Your body is capable of amazing things. Listen to what it’s telling you and believe in the wisdom it holds.

I hope this focus on positivity, excitement, and empowerment helps you find ways to strengthen those emotions for yourself as well. Hang in there. The world is a crazy place whether there are big changes in your near future or not.

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Let’s Talk Gender S1E3: Personal Transition: Gender Exploration

OVERVIEW

The first stage of transition is the personal exploration of your gender. We discuss what the process of exploring your gender feels like, how each of us figured it out in different ways, and what it’s like to be the partner of someone going through the gender exploration process.

Sorry for the variable sound quality. We are still trying out different set ups to find something that works for us.

SHOW NOTES

  • Exposure to a concept or identity that resonated with us
    • Looking up other people’s experiences on YouTube
    • Being fascinated by people’s experiences without knowing why until later
  • Finding language to express ourselves and define our identities
    • Other people’s labels don’t necessary feel right for you
    • The labels that feel right shift throughout the exploration process
    • The trans label comes with a lot of weight
    • Takes a while to find your own meanings for labels that fit
  • Exploration is often driven by the feeling of not fitting with the gender you were assigned at birth and how people relate to you as a result (dysphoria)
    • Trying to minimize it guides us in a direction towards our actual gender
    • Often have been experiencing dysphoria for a while but didn’t know what it was called and once we have the word for it it feels huge and way more painful than it did before
    • Physical dysphoria, social dysphoria, mental dysphoria
    • Fairly easy to tell what you are dyphoric about
  • Sometimes we encounter gender euphoria and exploration is driven by finding that experience again
    • Trying on different clothes when playing dress-up or secretly raiding a family member’s closet

Jake’s Experience

  • Minimal physical dysphoria, mostly social dysphoria
  • Voice causing people to gender him as female
  • Explorations
    • Cutting hair short
    • Wearing a binder
    • Trying a packer
    • More masculine style
  • Very nervous that people would notice immediately
  • Very scared of what the implications were of this feeling good, progressed very slowly
  • Looking for a new name
    • Flipping through baby books
    • Making a short list
    • Ordering different things online with a different name each time
    • Kept coming back to Jake and eventually it stuck
  • Eventually decided that he definitely did not feel comfortable being female
    • Even if he didn’t do any medical transition, he still felt more male than anything else
  • Exploration doesn’t end
    • Now that he is more comfortable in his maleness he is exploring some of the female things that he would never have done before
      • Longer hair
      • Nail polish
      • Earings back in

Meaghan Ray’s Experience

  • Exploration was a lot easier because they already new their identity but needed strategies to manage dysphoria, especially at work
    • Similar strategies as Jake
  • Had a very clear gender related experience in Grade 10 where they were a boy named Ray for a few days, then back to Meaghan, then back to Ray
    • Kept up for 2-3 months
    • Was very confusing and frustrating and destabilizing
    • Ended up making a list of personality traits for Meaghan and a list of personality traits for Ray, drew lines between the ones that matched, and from then on lived as that person
    • Buried the whole experience very deep until Jake started talking about gender and they found language and space to explore it in a positive way
  • Needed something more concrete to follow for exploration than Jake
    • You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery by Dara Hoffman-Fox
    • Created a gender tracker to see how much their gender fluctuated between male and female for both physical and social sense of gender
    • Learned that their period affects their gender and that their physical and social sense of gender can shift separately which they will use different strategies to manage
  • Trying on a dress privately
    • Thought it would feel wrong but it felt like a non-binary person wearing a dress
    • It did not erase their sense of identity which was encouraging
  • At the end of exploration, they now have many more strategies that help and a much better understanding of who they are and how to express it to people

Partner Experience

  • Seeing Jake with a flat chest in a binder helped change Meaghan Ray’s mental image of him
  • If the partner is cis it can be very difficult to understand what’s happening
    • Some trans people are not willing to include the partner in their exploration process and just show up as their new self which is very threatening and sudden for the partner
    • Instead, Jake included Meaghan Ray in the process and they helped look stuff up, break things down into smaller steps so it was less scary, tested things out during a camping trip, provide encouragement and support
  • Your experience is your own
  • Need to find your own sources of support as a partner
  • Don’t know how to talk about it yet because everyone is still just figuring it out
  • The more open we are with each other the easier it is to keep our relationship strong
  • We happen to both be AFAB and heading in the male direction
    • Some strategies worked very well for both of us
    • Some things worked very differently for each of us
    • Some things worked for one of us but not at all for the other

Resources

  • FTM
    • YouTube Channels: Chase Ross at uppercasechase1, Ty Turner, Jammiedodger
    • Books: This One Looks Like a Boy
  • NB
    • Podcasts: Gender Rebels, They/Them/Theirs
    • YouTube Channels: Ashley Wilde, Ash Hardell
    • Instagram hashtags to create a community for yourself

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Prioritizing Together Time

Whether you are in a relationship or have a close friend or family member that you rely on for support, prioritizing time with them is especially important if you are questioning your gender or transitioning.

Any exploration or change in our gender identity and presentation is a big change that very much affects the people around us. Close relationships only remain close if we keep communicating to understand how each person is changing and growing so we can support or adjust as needed.

From my experience during my husband’s transition and my own gender exploration, I discovered there are a few different types of quality time that serve different purposes. We were not always good at using out together time to the best advantage but we definitely got better at it over time out of necessity. Hopefully, by sharing our experience, I can help you skip the muddling through process and keep your relationships strong right from the start.

TALKING TIME

Setting aside time to share how each of you is doing or discuss new thoughts and emotions is the most important. These conversations can take a lot of energy but they are the core of what will maintain your mutual understanding and support.

These conversations can be intense, draining, and difficult. Here are some ideas you can try that might make them easier:

  • Schedule a regular check-in time that includes self care strategies before and/or after (journaling, exercise, creative expression, time in nature, etc).
  • Have these talks in a safe and isolated environment such as the bedroom (ie pillow talk), the car, or when you’re out for a walk together.
  • Write down some notes in advance if you get easily emotionally overwhelmed and have difficulty expressing yourself or staying present in the conversation.
  • Request a conversation to give the other person some warning. If this is helpful but also makes them anxious with wondering what it’s about, you can use a shorthand to define the parameters – Is it a you thing, me thing, or us thing? What is the general topic? Is it a big thing, a medium thing, or a small thing?
  • Try NOT to think of these conversations as a one-off for any topic. It’s important that you have a chance to come back to anything you have discussed previously to delve deeper, clarify or adjust how you explained yourself or how you understood each other, or to have another opportunity to explore, express, or process the same emotions or situation.

ACTIVITY TIME

Spending time doing something that you mutually enjoy is also really important. This is a way to take a break from the gender based conversations and maintain your bond based on previous activities. You can choose activities that are not inherently gender based or dysphoria inducing or agree to not discuss gender based topics during the course of a particular activity or day.

These activities may need to be adjusted somewhat if they trigger dysphoria. Be self-aware and honest about this. Sacrificing your well-being and hiding your discomfort defeats the purpose of doing something you both enjoy to strengthen the relationship. Finding new ways to enjoy the things you bonded over will initially take a bit of effort, communication, and time, but the pay-off is well worth it.

EXPLORATION TIME

Maybe you are exploring your gender and need a sounding board, someone to go shopping with, or someone to be your safety buddy when trying out a new presentation in public for the first time. Maybe you have started hormones or are having surgery and your body and emotions are changing and your partner or close support person needs time to explore these changes with you so they can get used to them.

These moments of exploration can happen spontaneously or be part of a planned activity. They are particularly important for intimate relationships but are also helpful for other close relationships.

Some examples of this are when I would feel my husband’s facial hair as it grew in or ran my hands down his chest when he was wearing a binder or post top surgery to get used to the change, or when we took a vacation trip where we explored different names and pronouns for him.

The exploration time is mutually beneficial. It can help the transitioning person be more confident in exploring something new or doing something scary. It can also be euphoric for the transitioning person and help them see their partner/support person being curious and making the effort to adjust. And of course, it includes the partner/support person in the transition process, helps them adjust their mental image of the transitioning person, and adjust to new changes.

SHARING SPACE

Sometimes all you need is to be in the same space together. You can be doing completely different things and not talking to each other at all, but just feeling the other person’s presence can be a balm against the irritation, frustration, and exhaustion from interacting with the rest of the world and navigating transition.

Acknowledging each other’s presence in small ways helps strengthen the value of this time. Whether it’s staying within view, checking in with each other with a look, a touch, or a few words, or sharing some aspect of the space while you’re doing different things (ie listening to the same music or watching the same TV show), this helps turn two people doing separate activities into quality time.

I hope these descriptions of different types and purposes of together time help you be more purposeful and effective with maintaining strong relationships during transition or other big life changes.

If you have other suggestions for together time, please leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

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