Dysphoria – Page 5 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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The Egocentricity of Dysphoria

Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming.

Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but this doesn’t give them the validation they need and can result in more obsessing.

Dysphoria can make it difficult to communicate their identity, needs, and wishes to others in a way that will be understood. It is so all-consuming that it makes it difficult to step out of their current experience and see things from another person’s perspective. So they end up using language that other people don’t understand or skipping over basic concepts that others haven’t grasped yet. This leads to more confusion and frustration and leaves them with even less energy and motivation to try to communicate the next time.

Because of the level of obsession on new areas of their body and new behaviours, it can seem like there has been a big change in their personality with the onset of dysphoria. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just that the dysphoria is taking up all the person’s attention and focus and they aren’t able to express the parts of themself that you are used to seeing or engage in the activities they used to enjoy with as much ease.

The dysphoria induced self-obsession can come across as lack of caring for others or a lack of awareness of others. This is something that should be communicated in a caring and understanding way that acknowledges the impact of dysphoria but looks for ways to help the person cope by focusing their attention outside their body and strengthening supportive relationships.

The onset of dysphoria can seem sudden to those around them. They have been obsessing about it internally for a long time and have a lot of internal pressure built up. Coming out gives them permission to talk about dysphoria and the obsessions that it causes for the first time. This can seem like a sudden onset of dysphoria and a sudden shift to being egocentric to the people around them.

Sometimes, people have a tendency to refer everything back to dysphoria or use dysphoria as an excuse – ‘if you only knew how it felt you wouldn’t say that’ or ‘oh I can’t do that because the dysphoria is so bad’. Dysphoria can be so all-consuming that it can be hard to tell when something else might actually be at fault – burnout from work, relationship stress, financial stress, fatigue from not enough sleep, changes in meds, having a cold, etc. Sometimes it takes an outside view from a supportive person that is close to them to help them differentiate what is dysphoria and what is something else that should be addressed differently.

You might have difficulty getting along with someone who experiences dysphoria because they may be more emotionally volatile or have unknown or shifting triggers. They may have a lack of interest in things they used to enjoy including things you used to do together because of the new focus on ‘solving’ the dysphoria. Try to be understanding and supportive but take care of your own needs and emotional well being too.

TIPS FOR DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

Use self talk to combat the skewed perspective that the hyper awareness creates.
Find activities to do that don’t trigger dysphoria that will help you get out of your head.
Remember that people who do not experience dysphoria will not remember that you do or understand how much it can effect you. Try to be understanding of their ignorance and explain gently. Getting angry with them when they do not automatically realize when you are feeling dysphoric will not help to keep your relationship with them as a source of support.
Make sure to express your appreciation and caring for the supportive people around you.
Find a therapist. Your support people cannot support you and be your therapist. They will get burned out and no longer be able to support you appropriately.
Find concrete ways to manage your dysphoria that require the least amount of time and effort so that you have more time to spend with those you care about.
If your dysphoria shifts, try tracking it to give you a better idea of what causes the shifts and help you predict when it will happen.

TIPS FOR SUPPORTING DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

Build a list of words, activities, and situations that trigger the trans person’s dysphoria so you are more likely to understand when they react negatively at those times.
Understand that getting the dysphoric person to explain their dysphoria to you, especially at times when they are dysphoric, will be hard and often makes their dysphoria worse. Look for other resources to learn what dysphoria can feel like and how to recognize it.
Help the trans person focus on something external that is less likely to trigger dysphoria or encourage them to engage in their self-care activities. They won’t always remember to use self-care strategies at times when they need them the most so external reminders can help.
Find sources of support for yourself other than the dysphoric person – a therapist, friends that might understand, community groups and support such as PFLaG, or online resources.

Living with dysphoria is an ongoing struggle and is different for everyone. Talk to each other, be as open and honest as you can, and find the support you need.

What is your experience of dysphoria or supporting someone with dysphoria? What other tips do you have that I should add to the list?

Let me know in the comments below!

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Pregnancy Fears, Hopes, and Strategies

Being pregnant is a huge undertaking for your body. It makes permanent changes to lots of areas, includes lots of discomfort and unpleasant experiences, and involves a decent amount of risk. It changes how you are viewed by society and how strangers interact with you. And it is (or can be) the first step in one of the biggest changes anyone can make in life – becoming a parent.

So of course I have all the typical fears:

How will my body change?
Risk of miscarriage (Ha! That already happened once)
Huge life change
Adverse symptoms for nine months such as nausea, fatigue, and joint pain
Birth trauma
Postpartum depression and isolation

Pregnancy is also one of the most feminizing experiences a person can have. So, as a nonbinary person, I also have gender related fears:

Will my sense of where my gender is on the spectrum shift in unpredictable ways due to hormones?
Will my social dysphoria increase to unbearable levels due to the quintessential feminization of my body?
Will my physical dysphoria increase due to my chest getting bigger and my pregnant belly?
Will I struggle to find clothes that fit me that are not hyper-feminine like typical maternity clothes are?

But on the other side of my fears is what I hope for:

My gender identity will shift to the more feminine side of my range like it does during my period and result in minimal dysphoria with pregnancy changes
I will have fewer physical discomfort symptoms than I am expecting
Many of my current clothes will fit throughout pregnancy since I prefer looser clothes to begin with (though they will end up being more fitted as I get bigger)

Now that I have actually been pregnant once, for a short time, and only in the first trimester phase before the hyperfeminization of my body happened, some of these fears and hopes have shifted. I now know, or am more confident that my gender will shift to the female side for some or all of my pregnancy. Hopefully this will help with the social and physical dysphoria.

But this caused another area of discomfort: feeling like I was missing half of who I was. And after I had a miscarriage, my gender swung back to the male side with a resurgence of dysphoria that I was now unaccustomed to. You can read more about that in Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender. So I can now add ‘postpartum dysphoria’ to my list of fears.

Here are some strategies I’ve come up with to help me through this process:

Look for alternative maternity clothing stores or just buy larger sized clothing from cheaper places
Come out to as many people as I am comfortable with so that I have lots of options of people to hang out with in a gender affirming environment to combat social dysphoria and invisibility/inauthenticity
Focus on the personal, wondrous, internal feeling of growing a life inside me
Be kind to myself post partum while I’m learning how to deal with dysphoria again and review my personal journals and previous blog posts about how I deal with it

If you have a similar identity to mine, I hope that sharing my thoughts and experiences with pregnancy will help you feel more comfortable in your skin or at least not so alone during this experience. If you have someone in your life who is pregnant, maybe this will help you understand that not everyone who looks pregnant identifies as female and what that might feel like.

Do you have any stories of your own or strategies that got you through pregnancy with dysphoria?

Do you have any questions or specific aspects of this experience that you are looking forward to hearing more about?

Leave a comment below! I’d love to hear from you.

Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender

IT WORKED!

We were pregnant! If you missed the story of how we got here, check out Getting Pregnant is Hard to do Without Sperm.

The first thing we felt was excitement. The second was anxiety. Not because suddenly such a big thing was happening, but because we had spent so long stopping ourselves from being excited in order to avoid the pain of disappointment that any excitement we felt triggered anxiety. This reaction slowly wore off and we allowed ourselves to be happy and excited but the more excited we got the more we wanted to share the news. Suddenly, we had a secret again.

I knew I was pregnant before we got the results. I know that’s a cliche but it’s true. My breasts were so sore that I couldn’t touch them, days in advance of when I normally have PMS symptoms. I was fatigued to the point of being in a daze. These symptoms continued and were joined by mild to moderate intermittent nausea. All the typical symptoms but nothing extreme. If you know me at all, you know I can’t keep anything to myself. Especially if it involves distress. I much prefer to complain – I mean, commiserate – about it with others. Luckily, a couple people at work were in their second trimester and gave me a small community for support with this new adventure.

GENDER WHILE PREGNANT

If you’ve read other posts on this blog, you may already know that I am gender fluid, shifting between moderately female and mildly male with the majority of time spent in the neutral space between. But, as I talk about in Menstruation and Gender, I consistently shift towards the female side during my period. The same thing happened when I was pregnant. Except that I wasn’t just pregnant for a few days, like when I’m on my period. So I shifted to female and stayed female for two and a half months.

After about three weeks of being consistently female I started to feel like the male part of myself, Ray, was imagined, a dream, a ghost. I was missing half of myself, unable to experience my full range of gender that I had only just recently struggled to understand and accept. This was a symptom of being pregnant that I couldn’t so easily explain to or commiserate about with others.

EARLY ULTRASOUNDS

Because we were followed by the fertility clinic, we were scheduled for early trans-vaginal ultrasounds. The first one was when I was 7 weeks pregnant. The image on the screen showed a slightly small gestational sack in my uterus but no yolk sack or fetal pole. This was mildly concerning but not conclusive since it was still early and the gestational sack was small. We went back the next week for another one. It showed the same result which was significantly more conclusive of a blighted ovum. With some googling, I learned that this happens when the egg that was fertilized happened to grow without any genetic material inside it. An ’empty egg’.

So, I had to come to terms with the fact that at some point in the next few weeks, when my body figured out something was wrong, I was going to have a miscarriage. I was waiting, and dreading, but not yet able to grief or process because if I did, I would be grieving until it happened, which could be days or weeks or a month. But I had to go to work as usual, travel to visit my family, and stand with my friend in her wedding. So instead, I became emotionally constipated, numb, and burnt out.

While visiting family, I had some spotting and cramping but then it stopped again. When we returned home, we had a final ultrasound that showed the same result and gave an official diagnosis of a non-viable pregnancy. This triggered a referral to the early pregnancy loss clinic. They called me four hours later and reviewed my options. I could let the miscarriage happen naturally (which my body didn’t seem to want to do), take a medication that would induce severe enough cramping to force my body to miscarry (sounds terrifying), or have a procedure (Dilation and Curettage or D&C) where they put me to sleep, dilate my cervix, go in, and scoop everything out. If the first two options didn’t expel everything I may end up needing the D&C anyway. Since I had known this was coming for what felt like an eternity already, I work in a hospital so medical stuff doesn’t bother me, and I had had a polyp removal six months prior via the same procedure, I opted for the D&C. It was scheduled for three days later.

RECOVERING FROM MISCARRIAGE

Both the physical recovery and the emotional recovery took longer than I expected, despite warnings from everyone I talked to who had also had a miscarriage (it is surprisingly common given how little it’s talked about). Physically, I had a few days of mild cramping and fatigue. When these initial symptoms faded out I felt like I was better and returned to work only to find that more than half an hour of being on my feet (I have a fairly active job) caused waves of moderate to severe fatigue, shakiness, dizziness, and hot and cold flashes. My body was in hormonal shock.

The most frustrating part physically was that knowing why it was happening and trying to connect with my body to calm it down did absolutely nothing to help. It felt like my body’s operating system had crashed and was taking forever to reboot. So I started doing really slow, gentle, breathing pace exercises. Anything from dynamic stretching to Qi Gong. Almost instantly, my mind-body connection began to repair itself. It was such a dramatic improvement at a time that I needed it most that I have kept up with these exercises ever since.

Emotionally, I expected to be a wreck as soon as the procedure was done and maybe the day after. But because I had not allowed myself to feel the grief for three weeks I was in an emotional holding pattern. I thought that maybe I had been processing my emotions this whole time and I didn’t need to have a strong, overt reaction. But the exhaustion after the second day back at work meant that I didn’t even have enough energy to hold my emotions back and once I got home I broke down and had a couple hours of intense crying and grieving with my lovely husband for support.

Overall it took just over a month for me to feel like I was back to my normal self.

GENDER WITH MISCARRIAGE

Going through the procedure itself and being in a ‘Women’s Hospital’ didn’t feel dysphoric since I was still feeling very female at the time. A week or so after miscarriage, my gender started shifting slowly back to the middle, then to the male side. And there it stayed for almost three weeks. This felt both good and bad. Good, because I was finally able to experience the other half of myself that had been missing for the last two and a half months. Bad, because all of a sudden I had dysphoria again. And I was out of practice with how to deal with it. While still being very emotionally raw.

Initially, it was very distracting and a constant irritation that sucked up a lot of mental and emotional energy. But I slowly remembered the strategies I had been using before and became acclimatized to the discomfort of dysphoria and it faded to a background buzz.

TALKING ABOUT MISCARRIAGE

Over the last few years both myself and my husband have been through some pretty major experiences that all have different levels of taboo and layperson knowledge/understanding. When I talk about our fertility struggles, very few people have negative reactions to discussing that and it doesn’t feel threatening for me to open up about it and though most people don’t know the variety of options, they have a general understanding that there are medical options and often know someone who has used them. When I talk about gender identity or transitioning, I don’t always know what reaction the other person will have and often have to deal with a negative or ignorant response. Most people have little to no understanding of nonbinary gender identities or the transitioning process to the point that they can’t even relate to whatever it is I’m telling them about unless I explicitly state what emotions are tied to this experience.

When talking about miscarriage, everyone instantly understands that that would be a difficult thing to go through, understands what emotional response is appropriate, and provides support. And yet, it’s still something that isn’t often discussed openly. I’m guessing this is partly because historically, it was viewed as the fault of the woman that it happened and was shameful. But nowadays, I think we’re mostly past that (based on the reactions I get when I talk about it) so I’m guessing it’s not discussed simply because it’s an emotionally difficult thing to talk about and considered a very private experience. I’d like to change the culture of silence around miscarriage and normalize talking about it and then eventually, normalize the idea that people of any gender identity could have a miscarriage.

THE JOURNEY CONTINUES!

At this point, we are still trying to get pregnant. There are a few more options we are willing to try and since the last one worked, I feel like it is likely to work again. But we have also discussed what our limit is in terms of how long we want to try for and how much money we are willing to put towards it. We are not tied to the idea of the child being genetically related to us (seeing as how it won’t be genetically related to Jake anyway) and open to considering adoption if we reach our personal fertility limit.

Subscribe to the blog or keep checking back to get future updates and find out what happens next!

Have you had pregnancy struggled or miscarriage? For those of you who are trans/non-binary, how did pregnancy and/or miscarriage affect your gender? Please leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your experiences.

Menstruation and Gender

Having a menstrual cycle is treated as a very female experience. It is seen as the transition from being a girl to being a woman. It is treated as a symbol of fertility and future motherhood. So it is understandable that people who menstruate but who do not identify as women would struggle a lot with this time of the month.

Menstruation is a huge trigger for dysphoria in a lot of people. For people that menstruate who don’t identify as women, they are going through PMS mood swings and the physical pain of cramps and the inescapable bleeding all while combating feelings that this invalidates their gender identity, that their body is doing things that feel wrong, and that no one would understand how this feels if they ever had the courage to talk about it.

Then there are the women who have never menstruated and never will. They hear other women complaining about their symptoms, having to take birth control pills, or see it represented in media (on the rare occasion). Not having a period and not being able to relate to the experience of having a menstrual cycle can feel invalidating of their identity as a woman.

There are many reasons why a woman may not have a menstrual cycle. And it’s not only women that can menstruate. We need to start separating the things our bodies do and the way our bodies look from gender. Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

I am an AFAB, non-binary, genderfluid person. When it comes to my period, I am one of the lucky ones. Almost every menstrual cycle, my gender shifts in the female direction with the beginning of my period and has a corresponding shift in the male direction as my period ends. This means I have very little dysphoria when it comes to my period. Sure, I still have the fatigue and cramps and grossness but I feel more female than male at the time so it feels in line with my gender. Usually these shifts in my gender are gradual over the course of a couple days but when they happen in the span of a few hours it makes me feel very cranky, out of sorts, and often dysphoric. Maybe this pattern is hormonal, maybe its societal. All I know is that it’s consistent and very helpful.

I figured out this pattern by tracking my gender for a couple months which I describe here. Knowing this pattern has helped me significantly when managing dysphoria. I know to watch for the shift in my gender around the time when my period is supposed to start and then again as it’s ending which allows me to adapt my presentation and dysphoria management strategies more easily.

Not everyone with a fluid gender will have predictable fluctuations in their gender like I do and not everyone will have fluctuations based on a menstrual cycle. My gender fluctuates in less predictable ways during the middle of my cycle.

Regardless of whether someone’s gender fluctuates or not, they do not need to be a woman to menstruate and they do no need to menstruate to be a woman.

What influences your experience of your gender? Do you experience dysphoria related to having or not having a menstrual cycle? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Treating Your Body Well Can Help Manage Dysphoria

Sometimes for folks who experience dysphoria it feels like the only ways they experience their body are negative. This can easily lead to negative self-talk and the tendency to ignore the ways that our bodies help us navigate the world every day.

Dysphoria is not always predictable or manageable. It springs up at the worst times and can be extremely persistent. It can lead to a feeling of fighting with our bodies or feeling out of control. Our bodies become the focus of our negativity instead of dysphoria or the way we’re treated by others.

One way to combat all this negativity towards our own bodies is to treat our bodies well. Just like it feels better to come home to a clean and well maintained house, it feels better to live in a body that you are actively working to maintain and keep clean. This means eating well (as often as you can), drinking lots of water, getting enough exercise, and avoiding things like smoking and excessive alcohol. Not everyone needs to do all of these things, but even focusing on one of them can give you a positive connection to your body.

This strategy partly relies on the ‘fake it ’til you make it’ mentality. If I am taking care of my body and we typically only take care of things we care about, that must mean I care about my body. The other part of this strategy is that some of the habits, especially exercise, will help you experience your body in positive ways. Find types of exercise that work for you (see my post about going to the gym) and focus on how your body moves, how it responds to your instructions, and how it improves with ongoing care.

When I feel good about how I am treating my body, I feel proud of it. Even if it is a source of dysphoria. Even if it doesn’t match what I picture myself to be in my head. If I have been taking care of my body, on bad dysphoria days I have a better chance of redirecting my focus to positive aspects of my body.

Even if you want your body to be different, even if your body doesn’t move or look the way you want it to, it is still your body. It doesn’t suddenly become your body once it matches the image you have of yourself in your head, it has always been your body. If you are a man, it is the body of a man. If you are agender, your body is also agender. No matter what your identity and what society tells you your body should look like, your body is the vessel for your identity.

So treat it well. Build a positive relationship with your body and use that positive connection to fight your dysphoria. Who knows, maybe you’ll end up finding more ways to experience gender euphoria than you thought you had access to.

What are the ways that you take care of your body? How do those habits help you manage dysphoria? Leave a comment below!

Gender Experiments: Wearing a Dress

Yesterday, I tried on a dress for the first time since high school prom. I’d been thinking about doing this for a while. I had a dress in my closet that my sister had given me that I really liked the look of but had never tried on (sorry sis). It is navy blue with a pleated knee length skirt that looks like a kilt, wide shoulder straps, and a high round neck. I was listening to a podcast about drag performers and how liberating it can be to wear clothes that allow you to feel the full spectrum of your gender. So, when I was feeling the most female I have in a couple months, I drummed up the courage and did it.

I had so much fear about what I would look like and how it would make me feel. I worried that it would make me super dysphoric and dissociate from my body. I had this irrational image of myself with long hair and a dress and makeup as if just simply putting on a dress would suddenly transform me into the most feminine version of myself.

I took steps to mitigate any dysphoria that might happen. I wore sweatpants while I was putting it on. I had my black leather bomber jacket to wear over top. I had a chainmaille necklace that is my most masculine piece of jewelry to put on. And I planned to do a workout afterwards to reconnect with my body if necessary.

I’m glad I took all those precautions but as it turned out, I didn’t really need them. I put on the dress in a room with no mirrors. I didn’t burst into flames or tears. I didn’t dissociate from my body. I took off the sweatpants and moved around a bit, feeling the skirt against my legs. That was the weirdest part – the bare legs. I rarely even wear shorts in the summer so that was a strange feeling for more than just gender reasons. I put on my chainmaille necklace, put on my leather jacket, and stepped out into the hall to look in a mirror.

The person I saw in the mirror still looked like me. I still had short hair and hairy legs and broad shoulders. I had a strange mix of relief, intrigue, and discomfort. I took a few pictures, then tried it without the jacket. Still ok. I played around with the look a bit, then took it off and returned it to the closet and put my sweatpants and hoodie back on.

These types of experiments are emotional labour. They take work. This type of thing comes easier to some people than others. At this point in my gender journey I am much more comfortable exploring in the masculine direction than the feminine one so this was a big step for me. To see myself in a dress and still feel authentic, non-binary, genderqueer, was very affirming. It tells me that I am much more secure in my identity than I was eight months ago.

This gives me hope for even more difficult things in the future, like being pregnant. If I still look like myself while wearing a dress, maybe I will still look and feel like myself when I’m pregnant.

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What experiments have you tried when exploring your gender? What types of self-care do you find useful when doing these experiments? What have you been thinking about trying but haven’t found the courage to do yet? Let me know in the comments!

6 Months of Self-Discovery

What I Knew at the Beginning

I have both male and female gender
I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity

Fears I Had

My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.

Goals of Self Discovery

Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
Find ways to communicate my identity to others.

6 MONTHS LATER…

What I Know Now

I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).

Did My Fears Come True?

Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.

Did I Achieve My Goals?

Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.

Still Working On…

Coming out to people slowly, including my family
Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to

Looking Ahead

Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
Being a non-binary parent

What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!

Exploring My Gender Expression

I have both a female gender and male gender. This means I am most comfortable expressing my gender in ways that include both female and male components. Neither aspect of my gender is very far from the middle of the spectrum so I personally prefer a more androgynous appearance. Some people may prefer to mix aspects of presentation from the two extremes. If this is what makes them feel comfortable and authentic, I say have at it.

Gender expression is a combination of appearance and behaviour. My purpose for exploring my gender expression was to find a way to express how I feel physically in my body to help decrease physical dysphoria and to present myself in a way that makes my identity more visible to others in order to influence how they see me and interact with me in order to decrease social dysphoria.

Throughout this series of posts I will be referring to different aspects of gender presentation based on their conventional gender category. This does not mean I believe these aspects of presentation ‘belong’ to that gender or should be gendered at all. It’s just a convenient way to discuss and think about presentation since part of the purpose is to affect how others (who typically do prescribe gender categories to aspects of presentation) view us.

I am still exploring my gender expression and will continue to, off and on, for my whole life as I change as a person, but here are some of the aspects I have considered.

APPEARANCE

Clothing

You can do almost anything you want with clothing. You can pick different articles of clothing (skirt or dress, slacks and bowtie), different styles (golf shirt vs blouse, short shorts vs long shorts), and different colours (darker, neutral, or royal colours are typically more masculine, softer lighter colours are typically feminine).

You can combine any of these components in any way, for example a feminine bottom (skirt) with a masculine top (button up shirt and bowtie), or adopt a consistent gender presentation that is similar day to day or wildly different depending on how you feel.

As an AFAB person, my base appearance is more feminine so I am more comfortable when I wear more masculine clothing to balance that out. My sense of gender fluctuates somewhat but stays generally closer to the middle than either end of the spectrum so my clothing doesn’t change a ton.

Body Hair and Head Hair

Body hair, in my North American culture, is generally viewed as more masculine. This includes leg hair and underarm hair. At some point in my early to mid teens I tried shaving my legs. Not only was having to shave annoying but it felt uncomfortable to me so I stopped. I can now identify the discomfort I felt as relating to gender. This was a mild component of dysphoria triggered by shaving my legs. This dysphoria at least has an easy fix – don’t shave.

Facial hair is especially seen as masculine. As I am not on testosterone and do not have facial hair I have to make up for this in other ways. I have never particularly wanted to have facial hair but some days it would be nice to have the shortcut to being identified as male.

Head hair is something I’ve experimented with very recently. Growing up I always had long hair and almost always had it tied back in a pony tail or braid. In my early twenties I did Cuts for Cancer and had it cut to just above ear length. I quite enjoyed this but didn’t specifically identify it as a gender based experience. I slowly grew it out, mostly due to neglect, but then the undercut style came into fashion. I started with the basic undercut at the back, then expanded it up one side. I was almost exclusively wearing the long part of my hair in a bun. I worked up the courage and finally got it all cut short. This has been one of the best experiences since starting to explore my gender identity and play with expression. It has offset my base feminine appearance to the point where I feel comfortable adding a bit of feminine flair back in. I feel more like myself and I like what I see when I look in the mirror.

Accessories and Jewelry

Most jewelry is seen as feminine. Thicker, darker, or chunkier jewelry is on the more masculine side. I have two necklaces that are more gender neutral or masculine, and two that are more feminine. Watches are something that can be either depending on style, so I wear a more masculine style watch. I do not have my ears pierced but I do sometimes wear an ear cuff. I have three – straight lines (more masculine), crossing zig zag lines that looks a bit elven (neutral), and a rose (feminine).

Switching up my jewelry and other accessories is one of the main ways I deal with dysphoria. I have to wear pretty similar clothes every day at work so I don’t have as many presentation options with clothing.

BEHAVIOUR

I think of behaviour as anything that wouldn’t be discernible from a picture. This can include physical movements and postures, voice, word choices, interaction style, and mannerisms. Some examples are how you cross your legs, altering the pitch of your voice, or your physical greeting style (handshake, hug, one-arm hug, fist bump, etc).

Women typically apologize more, especially if they’re interrupting or offering an opinion. This is a hard habit to break if you are the type of person that does this a lot but if you are trying to be read as more masculine, breaking this habit might help.

When walking towards someone in a hallway or on the sidewalk, women are more likely to move out of the way, even if they were only taking up half of the space to begin with. So, without being rude and blocking the hallway, hold your ground next time and see how it feels. I will do this if I am passing a more masculine person but I will still move out of the way if it is a more feminine person.

Men typically hold doors for women. So, if you are feeling more masculine, hold doors for women (and men, and people in general), or insist that the guy who is trying to hold the door for you walk through first.

Over the course of a few months, I have consciously worked to lower the pitch of my voice. I have a music and choir background so part of how I do this is by working to expand my singing range into lower registers. This helps to maintain the resonant quality despite using the lower end of my range (so I don’t sound monotone or growly when I talk). Some days I will work harder at this than others depending on whether my masculine side or feminine side is more dominant that day. The times when I have to correct my voice more consciously is when I am greeting people, when I’m talking on the phone, when I’m talking to animals or children, and when I’m excited.

I’m sure there are many more aspects to gender expression that can be explored. One of the other main ones that I have used is binding which I will discuss in a future post.

What are some ways you have played with your gender expression? Is this based on dysphoria or other aspects to your gender identity? Leave a comment below to share your experiences!

Dealing with Frustration

WHY FRUSTRATION?

It feels like frustration has become my default setting. Frustration is a result of having a goal but having minimal progress towards that goal. It’s a feeling of stagnation, of constantly coming up against immovable barriers and being powerless to make a difference. The more important the goal is to you or the bigger the effect that the goal will have on your life, the more urgently you want it and the less you can tolerate stagnation without becoming overwhelmed frustration.

During various stages in my husband’s transition we had to wait for medical and legal systems to change, creep up a waitlist, wait for the physical changes to happen that come with HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy, in Jake’s case, testosterone), or wait for people to start using the correct name and pronouns. For myself, I find that the more dysphoria I feel, the less resilient to life’s stressors I am. I am less patient and more easily frustrated, especially when gender related topics or situations come up.

I have developed a number of strategies for dealing with or minimizing frustration that I thought I’d share with you. I have a couple general strategies, a couple for dealing with the waiting and frustrations associated with transitioning, and a couple for minimizing the increase in frustration due to dysphoria. I hope you find them useful.

GENERAL STRATEGIES

Get Enough Sleep

When I haven’t been getting enough sleep I am tired, cranky, and my brain hasn’t had enough time to recover from one day’s stress so it bleeds into the next day. I have to drink more caffeine to get through my day which makes me jittery. These effects are strongest when I haven’t had enough sleep, but are also present if I didn’t sleep at the right time (went to bed late and slept in), even if I slept for 8+ hours.

Suggestion: try tracking your sleep patterns and your mood, frustration level, energy level, or whatever symptoms you experience personally. Try planning your sleep as a part of your day just like you would with other important tasks.

Exercise

Frustration is a stagnant feeling. It is a holding of tension that has nowhere to go. For me, exercise helps. It gives me a feeling of getting that tension or energy moving and expelling it in a functional way. Some people accomplish the same thing by cleaning. I have found a base level of cardio exercise per week helps decrease the day to day frustration level and doing a harder weights workout helps if there is something specific that triggered a build up of frustration. I feel like martial arts or boxing would also serve the same purpose though I haven’t tried these personally.

Suggestion: try building exercise into your weekly plan if it isn’t already. Start at a level that feels ridiculously easy to accomplish and only increase the goal when you’ve been able to accomplish it three weeks in a row. Increase it by no more than 10% at a time. Try different types of exercise and note their effects on your mental and emotional state. When you have an increase in frustration, fatigue, anxiety, or whatever it is that you experience, schedule in the type of exercise that helps you manage that symptom the most. See my post At the Gym for my own exploration of exercise and dysphoria.

FRUSTRATION WITH WAITING

Get Involved

If you have the energy and time to do so, getting involved in changing the systems that are in your way can give a sense of purpose to your struggle and decrease the frustration. However, burning yourself out with advocacy will not help deal with frustration so be careful not to overextend. Advocacy doesn’t have to mean petitions or lobbying the government. It can mean volunteering at your local LGBT center, offering to do a presentation or review the policies at your workplace, or writing a blog.

Find a Project to Work On

Frustration is a result of a feeling of stagnation. You want to be seeing progress on something but you aren’t so you feel frustrated. It is a build up of tension and has nowhere to go. So find something else to focus on that you enjoy that will give you a sense of progress. Projects that involve learning new skills, are creative in nature, result in a shareable product or provide a helpful service for others, and can be broken down into small steps (frequently accomplishing milestones gives the best sense of progress). I find creative projects the most beneficial. You can pour your frustration onto the page, into a drawing or painting, or into a piece of music.

MORE EASILY FRUSTRATED DUE TO DYSPHORIA

Authentic Experiences

Seek out or create opportunities where you can be yourself and feel comfortable. Hang out with people that you are ‘out’ to. Spend time with people that have similar experiences or identities to you. Engage in activities that don’t trigger dysphoria or relate to your gender at all (gender non-specific activities). You read more about my own search for authentic experiences here: Finding Sources of Support and Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns.

Optimize Management of Dysphoria

Explore the specific sources of your dysphoria and develop as many strategies strategies for decreasing or managing your dysphoria as you can. For me, this process involved three stages: explore my identity, track and identify sources of dysphoria, and trial variations in gender expression to develop management strategies. Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book You and Your Gender Identity: A guide to discovery walks you through this process in a methodical process that I found very helpful. I have written about my experiences with this process in My Initial Gender Exploration Process, My Experiences with Gender Dysphoria and Euphoria, My Physical vs. Social Sense of Gender. I hope those posts will help you with this strategy.

Do you experience frustration the way I do or for similar reasons? How do you deal with frustration? Have you used similar strategies to the ones I describe above? Do you have other strategies that I didn’t mention that have worked for you? Leave a comment below! Your strategies may work better than mine do for someone else!