Coming Out

What’s in a Name and How to Pick One

For many gender non-conforming and trans people, names are super important. Just like pronouns, names often have a specific gender attached to them. There are female names, male names, and gender neutral names.

Often one of the first things that a trans person will do, after coming out to themselves and before coming out to their broader community, is to pick a new name. This name is considered their chosen name. Their previous name is called their birth name. And once someone has socially transitioned and no longer uses their birth name, some trans people call their birth name their ‘dead name’.

So how does one go about finding a new name? I was lucky in that the masculine part of my identity came with a name that automatically felt right. However, this did lead to me having two names which I will discuss below. Jake, my husband, had a very different experience. He didn’t specifically dislike his birth name and if it had been an acceptable gender neutral or male name he probably would have kept it. He tried shortening it to a more masculine version but it didn’t feel right and ultimately chose the name Jake. I discuss more about his process below.

HAVING TWO NAMES

I have two parts to my gender identity, a female part and a male part, and I have a name that matches each. It has taken me a long time to figure out how I want to navigate the world and be identified and I am still figuring it out but here’s where I’m at so far:

In my head and when referring to myself as a whole (to people I am out to or in online spaces like this blog) I use both names as though they are one name ie Meaghan Ray
In my everyday life where I am not yet out as genderqueer or nonbinary, I use my birth name only
In queer spaces when I am feeling more neutral or masculine I use Ray only

Having two names means that when I am in spaces where I am out to people I have to specify how I would like to be referred to each time. Some people are better than others at asking and then using the name I specify. I am slowly getting better at remembering to specify and correcting people when they get it wrong. It’s an ongoing process.

So far, I don’t feel the need to change my name legally. At some point I may change my middle name to Ray but for now I am comfortable with where I’m at.

FINDING A NEW NAME

When Jake was looking for a new name we used a few different strategies. I have also heard some others mentioned by other trans people. Here are a few ideas:

Look up baby names from the years close to when you were born
Ask your parents what you would have been called if you had been born as your current/true gender
Make a list of names used in previous generations of your family
Make a list of names that start with the same letter as your birth name or middle name (if you like it) or other first letters that you like the sound of
Flip through a baby name book and make a list of names that feel right for you
Shorten or alter your birth name to version that matches your gender

There is no one way to find a name. Some names are more common in the trans community so connect with the community online if you can and see what other people with your identity have chosen. Maybe you want a common name, maybe you don’t. It’s your name and it is completely your decision.

TESTING YOUR NEW NAME

Choosing a new name can feel daunting and huge. This is the name that will represent you for the rest of your life! So, give yourself a trial period before you start telling everyone. Here are some suggestions of how to test your new name:

Use it as an alter ego online or as a character name in a video game
Ask a few close supportive friends or family to test it out for you (we learned that this doesn’t work very well with only you and one other person because you never use first names unless there are three or more in the group)
Try writing a journal entry about your day in the third person using that name
Participate in a queer social group that you have never met before and put your new name on the name tag
Pick one of the names on your shortlist and mentally use it as your name for a week, switching to a different name for the next week

Many of the above strategies will also work for testing out pronouns. Don’t be afraid to try out different names and change your mind. But be aware that it is often difficult for the people closest to you to adapt to a new name. So the more ways you can test it before telling the whole family or coming out at work the more confident you will feel that you are choosing the right name for you.

Remember that you also need time to get used to your new name. It will sound strange when someone refers to you by that name for a while. The longer you can give yourself to get used to it internally or with a small group before coming out publicly the more it will feel like your name when you hear people using it.

If you changed your name, what strategies did you use to pick a new name and test it out? If someone you know changed their name, how did you feel about the change? Leave me a comment below with your experiences!

How to Explain your Fluid Gender Identity

Gender fluid identities can be difficult to explain to people. Even once your audience understands gender beyond the binary, they may not have any experience with fluctuations in their own gender or know someone with a fluid gender identity.

Let’s say someone asks you how you identify with regards to gender (for example, asks your pronouns). For gender fluid people (typically people who experience their gender as a single point on the spectrum that shifts around) and gender expansive people (people who experience a wide range of gender simultaneously), there are two ways to answer this question. You could explain your total gender experience and identity (for example, stating that you are pronoun indifferent, or that you use he or she on different days depending) or you could state how your gender feels at that particular moment (for example, ‘I currently identify as a boy and use he/him pronouns). It all depends on context and your goals for the conversation.

If your goal is to give an accurate and authentic representation of your identity then explain the total of your experience. This could include what labels and pronouns you use, a discussion of the range of gender you experience (I like using a 5 male to 0 to 5 female scale – for example I go from 2 male to 3 female with most of the time at 0 to 1 female), or examples of how you are comfortable presenting on different days.

If your goal is to clarify how you wish to be identified at this particular moment – which pronouns and name people should be using, what types of gendered terms or interactions you would prefer at this time – then state where you currently sit on the spectrum.

If you are coming out to someone such as a family member or friend, some explanation of your total gender experience will be important but try not to overwhelm them.

If you are not sure that the space you are in is safe, stick with a minimal description of how you currently feel with regards to gender.

If your interactions with a person are going to limited, an explanation of your total gender range is likely unnecessary so stick with the ‘current day’ picture. If the next time you see them you are presenting drastically differently, you can explain a bit about your global identity if you’d like, or once again stick to the ‘current day’ picture (which just happens to be different than the previous time).

What’s important to remember is that if you only explain your current gender it does not invalidate your gender fluid or gender expansive identity and experience. The people around you will likely make assumptions about your gender and identity (that it is static and therefore you are either cis or trans or non-binary) but you will likely be using this explanation when safety or ease of interaction is the main goal so don’t worry too much about not presenting yourself in an ‘authentic’ way. It is always your decision what and how much to disclose about your gender identity.

If you have a fluid or expansive gender, how do you explain it to others? What types of responses do you get and how do you address them? If you have a more narrow or static gender identity, what questions have you always wanted to ask a gender fluid or gender expansive person?

Leave a comment below! Maybe your explanation will give someone with a similar identity the words they need to explain it to the people closest to them.

Pros and Cons of Pronouns on Correspondence

Lots of people have added their pronouns to their email sign-off or even their business cards in an attempt to normalize the practice of indicating your pronouns to others. This is encouraging for me to see but also makes me nervous. Here’s why.

Pros

It shows an awareness of how challenging it can be to have to derail a conversation, come out to someone about your gender identity, and hope they don’t make a big deal out of it
It shows an understanding of how important pronouns are to gender non-conforming and trans people
It makes an implicit promise that this person will respect your identity and pronouns and helps people identify allies
It takes the edge off the constant analysis about safety and creates a relationship and space that starts off as at least neutral

Cons

Doesn’t actually normalize pronouns until it is the standard
In a specific workplace, it would be possible to make this practice mandatory, however that would take away the indication of pronouns as a flag that this person is an ally
Indicating pronouns on correspondence could be uncomfortable or even unsafe for people who are questioning their gender identity or are not yet ready to come out to everyone
It can be difficult for gender fluid or gender expansive folks who use multiple pronouns or different pronouns depending on the day and their current presentation
It may lead to some non-binary erasure for non-binary folks that prefer pronouns that match their gender assigned at birth due to cisnormativity

I have seen some people at universities and some people within the queer community indicate pronouns on correspondence. I am happy when I see it but immediately wonder what I would put on my email sign-off. I prefer they/them pronouns but I’m comfortable enough with she/her that fighting to have everyone use they/them would not be worth it for me. Combine that with the fact that I work in a hospital and I am not yet out to the majority of people at work and I wonder if I would be comfortable putting they/them.

I know for sure that if I only put she/her I would feel invisible, inauthentic, and generally shitty every time I saw it. Because I would have actively chosen to put it there. I would have effectively misgendered myself on every email I sent. This would feel way worse that it does when the people I am not yet out to misgender me.

So, at the moment, if this became a mandatory workplace policy out of good intentions, I’m not sure what I would do. Whatever pronouns I decided to put down, I would definitely be having some in depth conversations with my manager and/or HR.

How do you feel about indicating pronouns on correspondence? Would you feel comfortable doing this yourself? Leave a comment below!

When the Stereotypical Trans Story is Wrong

‘True Trans’ Narrative

When you think of a generic trans person, what comes to mind? Is it someone who feels like they were born into the wrong body, who knew from a very young age that they were meant to be the other gender, who preferred the ‘wrong’ toys and the ‘wrong’ clothes? This is the stereotypical trans story. Within the trans community, this type of experience is called ‘True Trans’ implying that because their experience matches the stereotype, their identity as a trans person is somehow more valid than other people.

While it is true that people with the stereotypical trans experience will be questioned less as to whether they are sure and will have to explain their experience less often, this in no way makes their experience or identity more or less valid than any other. There is no hierarchy of transness.

Other Trans Narratives

Some trans people didn’t realize that their discomfort was related to their gender until they were a teenager going through puberty, or as an adult having kids, or as an older adult going through menopause/andropause. Some trans people don’t feel like they were born into the wrong body at all. Some trans people are only uncomfortable with how society views their body and how they are identified as a result of their body but are completely comfortable with their body on it’s own. Some trans people prefer the activities and clothes typically associated with the gender they were assigned at birth.

These trans experiences are poorly represented by mainstream media and therefore poorly understood or acknowledged by the general public. People with trans experiences that do not match the ‘true trans’ stereotype have a harder time understanding themselves, finding the appropriate words to convey their experience to others, and sometimes fall back on descriptions that match the stereotype just so they can get the validation they deserve from people in their lives and medical professionals even if this is not true to their experience.

The Role of Stereotypes

Identities are complex. Social structures such as gender, race, ethnicity, class, disability, sexuality, etc are all infinitely complex. Stereotypes provide a short hand for people who do not have personal experience with a specific identity can have a basic image or understanding of what other people are referring to.

Stereotypes are often the first step in increasing the visibility of a particular identity and eventually normalizing it. Initially this can be helpful but the stereotype quickly becomes something that the people who live that identity need to fight against and correct.

The Harm of Stereotypes

Stereotypes become harmful when people outside that identity don’t recognize it as a stereotype. They believe that the image or understanding they have of that identity is accurate to everyone with that identity. This is especially true for medical professionals who are in a position to refuse a diagnosis or treatment to someone when that person doesn’t fit the medical professional’s personal definition of ‘trans’.

As I mentioned above, stereotypes can also create a hierarchy within a marginalized identity where the people who’s experience match the stereotype are seen as more valid or more deserving of recognition. This can lead to people being excluded from the community that they need support from the most.

Broadening the Trans Narrative

Members of the trans community have pushed back against the stereotype using phases such as “I am trans enough” which got shortened to “I am enough” and “All trans people are valid”. These have been hugely important messages for many people to see and internalize. Just like cis men don’t have to be hyper-masculine to identify as a man, trans men shouldn’t have to ignore or hide their more feminine interests in order to be recognized as a man or seen as ‘trans enough’ to receive medical treatment (if they want it).

The increasing visibility of non-binary identities and non-binary trans people is also a huge step towards broadening the trans narrative and combatting the ‘true trans’ stereotype. Awareness and acceptance of a minority often ends up benefitting the majority in some way, for example sidewalk cutouts for ramps were originally mandated to improve accessibility for wheelchair users but end up making cityscapes much easier to navigate with a stroller, trolley, bicycle, skateboard, or roller blades. I believe that bringing awareness and acceptance of identities that fall in various places on the gender spectrum, identities that are fluid, and identities that don’t always match the person’s presentation will also benefit cis people by making it acceptable for them to explore interests and presentation options that would have previously been deemed ‘inappropriate’.

How have stereotypes been beneficial or harmful to you? What strategies have you used to correct people’s assumptions based on a stereotype? What other stereotypes of trans people have you found? Leave a comment below!

6 Months of Self-Discovery

What I Knew at the Beginning

I have both male and female gender
I am more comfortable presenting gender neutral, tomboy, or androgynous
I’m pretty sure I experience dysphoria but I’m not sure what triggers it or what to do about it
Having my husband transition has given me the language and permission to explore my identity and has increased my discomfort at being perceived more feminine due to heteronormativity

Fears I Had

My dysphoria/discomfort would increase the more I focused on it.
I would discover that to be truly happy/whole I would need to use neutral pronouns and name and society wouldn’t be able to accommodate that.
That I would end up less comfortable than I was before starting this process.
That if I get to the point where I have to explain being non-binary to my family they would not understand.
That I would have to change jobs in order to feel comfortable.

Goals of Self Discovery

Identify how much my gender fluctuates.
Identify specific triggers of dysphoria and develop strategies to manage it on a daily basis.
Improve resilience, reduce fatigue, and generate a sense of wholeness.
Find ways to communicate my identity to others.

6 MONTHS LATER…

What I Know Now

I fluctuate between 50% female to 25% male (0 being equal amounts of each).
I have a significant amount of social dysphoria that is primarily triggered by female labels (ma’am, ladies, girl) and to a lesser extent by female pronouns (she/her).
I have a minimal to moderate amount of physical dysphoria, primarily related to chest and voice.
I am most comfortable when referred to using they/them pronouns and using the name Meaghan Ray (or having equal amount of time being identified as Ray as Meaghan).

Did My Fears Come True?

Yes, some days it feels like my dysphoria does get worse the more I focus on it. But the truth is, it is there regardless and I can either ignore it and have a vague sense of discomfort, frustration, irritability, fatigue, and lack of focus, or I can identify it for what it is, thus increasing my awareness of it but also improving my ability to address it or cope with it.
Yes, in order to live my best life I would prefer neutral pronouns 100% of the time and no, I don’t believe society (or at least my specific workplace) can accommodate that. But I also discovered that I am decently comfortable with female pronouns most days. It’s the other gendered terms that affect me more and that is something I might be able to address in the future.
No, I am definitely more comfortable now than I was before. I have significantly fewer symptoms of burnout and a ton more strategies to deal with bad dysphoria days.
I haven’t gotten to the point of coming out to my family. I have broached the subject in relation to correcting their assumptions about the binary and explaining a friend’s experience but have not discussed my own identity yet. I’m sure I will write a post about it when I do.
Changing jobs may or may not increase my comfort level. But I have become significantly more comfortable without changing jobs so I take that as a win.

Did I Achieve My Goals?

Yes, I very clearly identified how much my gender fluctuates using a chart I created which you can read about here.
Yes. Read about my physical and social dysphoria triggers and my strategies for coping here. One important step was cutting my hair short. Read about my exploration of my gender expression here.
Yes, I have noticed a significant improvement in my resilience and fatigue levels and I’m hoping that these and my sense of wholeness will continue to improve as I come out to more people.
Yes, I have some ways to communicate my identity to others though I am still working on this one.

Still Working On…

Coming out to people slowly, including my family
Introducing myself as Meaghan Ray or just Ray in queer spaces
Managing the physical discomfort that comes from wearing a binder so I can wear it as often as I feel the need to

Looking Ahead

Fears about dysphoria during pregnancy and early motherhood and how to manage it (I’m not pregnant yet but hope to be in the near future)
Being a non-binary parent

What have you learned about yourself in the last 6 months? What fears did you have before starting your own gender exploration process? How has your understanding of your own gender changed since you started to explore it more consciously? Leave a comment below and tell me your story!

How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person

Most of the people I talk to about my husband’s transition are open-minded and accepting but generally ignorant. They want to treat trans people respectfully but don’t know how. They want to learn more about my husband’s transition and my experience as his partner but don’t know how to ask the questions in a respectful way. So I thought I’d give you some suggestions or guidelines depending on your relationship with the trans person.

STRANGERS AND ACQUAINTANCES

Use the correct name and pronouns by which I mean use the name and pronouns that they ask you to use regardless of how they present at the time. If they don’t specify their pronouns you can ask or use the pronouns that is your best guess based on their presentation until they correct you. If they use other gendered terms to identify themselves then you should reflect their language back to them and use the corresponding pronouns unless they have specified otherwise.

You should not be asking anything about their transition including the name they were born with, whether they’ve had surgery (especially don’t ask if they’ve had ‘the’ surgery), whether their family is supportive, how old they were when they realized they were trans, or how long they’ve been on hormones.

Phrases to Avoid:

Are you a guy or a girl?
You look so good! I never would have known you were trans.
I have so many questions!

Phrases to Use:

My pronouns are ___. What pronouns do you use?
…blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….

FRIENDS, COWORKERS, AND EXTENDED FAMILY

If this is the level of your relationship, the trans person may have shared more about their transition process with you. This may include frustrations and struggles, medical components such as starting hormone therapy or having surgery, and legal components such as completing their official name change on various documents.

The most important thing you can do remains using the correct name and pronouns. Even better, correct the people around you if you hear them get it wrong. Not only will this help you and others adjust more quickly but it will also show the trans person they have your support and establish an expectation for everyone that it is not acceptable to misgender someone. Correcting people’s pronouns is exhausting for the trans person especially when they have to correct the same person repeatedly. To help you adjust, change their name in your phone/contact info and put their pronouns in brackets next to it. Each time you think of that person, repeat their name and pronouns in your head five times. Don’t worry about sounding awkward and hesitating if that’s what it takes to use the correct name and pronouns. If you make a mistake, apologize and move on. Don’t derail the conversation and make it all about the trans person and their pronouns every time someone makes a mistake.

It is a long process with lots of barriers and frustrations. Drawing attention to how long the process is taking makes it harder for the trans person to deal with. Transition is not a step by step process or a recipe that people follow and does not always have a specific end point. Everyone’s transition process is different. Not everyone will be transitioning to male or female (they may identify as non-binary). Not everyone will take hormones. Not everyone will have top surgery or bottom surgery but some people might. The length of time between parts of their transition vary wildly. It is not your place to ask about this unless the trans person offers the information first. If they confide in you, it is not acceptable to share that information with anyone else without their permission.

Do not compare your frustrations with changing your last name after getting married to the trans person’s experience with changing their first name and gender. Forms that have categories for getting married do not have options for first name and gender changes. People that process name change paperwork are familiar with the process of last name change with marriage status but not first name change with gender. Talking about your name change with marriage does not put you at risk for discrimination or having people question your identity the way it does for a trans person. This example applies to almost any aspect of transition including hormone replacement, surgery, or other types of coming out experiences.

Try not to treat the person any differently once they transition or once you learn about their status as a trans person. Do not try to educate the trans person on ‘how to be’ their new gender. Do not second guess the trans person’s identity, even if their presentation or interests are not stereotypical of their stated gender. They have second guessed their identity enough, long before you became aware that they were trans.

Phrases to Avoid:

Why does your ID still have your old name?
When are you getting the surgery?
And your spouse/S.O. is ok with this?
I can get your name right but I just need a little more time to get your pronouns, you understand right?
You’re still not done yet? You’ve been working on this for a while!
I knew you as [birth name] for so long, it’s going to take a while to adjust
What bathroom are you using?

Phrases to Use:

I want to learn more about your experience. Do you have any resources I could look at?
Is there anything I can do to help support you?
…blah blah blah… [incorrect pronoun]… sorry…. [correct pronoun]…. blah blah….

CLOSE FRIENDS AND IMMEDIATE FAMILY

Everything from the previous section applies to you as well, especially the part about name and pronouns. In addition, you may be one of the first people the trans person is coming out to. Your support is the most important factor in helping the trans person get through their transition. Literally. The suicide rate for trans people is extremely high. The number one factor that prevents suicide among trans people is family support. So learn as much as you can about the transition process and let them know they have your support, even if you are struggling to accept or understand their new identity. Let them know that they should tell you if you do something or say something wrong or upsetting. Make sure you spend time with them doing things that you both enjoy that have nothing to do with their transition. It is a good way to stay in contact and get used to changes as they happen but not make everything about being trans.

If there are aspects of their transition that you are struggling with, let them know and tell them you are working on it. Find other people to talk to about it. Unless they have given you permission to tell other people, this will likely be a therapist. If they know that you are struggling and need to talk to someone and you ask if you can tell a specific friend or one other family member, they may be open to it. Never tell someone that this person is trans without their permission. Once they start telling people, you may become a conduit for information for the rest of the family or group of friends. Talk to the trans person about how they want you to answer typical questions and how much information they are comfortable with you disclosing. This type of conversation will happen repeatedly as the group of people they have come out to grows.

Offer to go with them to medical appointments and other difficult tasks even if they seem trivial to you. It often takes a lot of courage to get those steps done and having backup definitely can help. If they ask you to, try to be willing to attend therapy or support group sessions with them.

Phrases to Avoid:

You’re not going to get surgery though, are you?
These changes are permanent! What if you change your mind?
You really should tell [specific person]. They deserve to know.
You don’t really need to get the surgery, since you’re married. If you were single it would be a different story.
You can come over for dinner, as long as you don’t talk about your transition.

Phrases to Use:

Would you like some company when you’re going to… (eg: HR, passport office, fingerprinting, registry for name change)?
I support you and your decision to transition but it will take me some time to adjust. Is there anyone you would be comfortable with me talking to about this so I can work through my own feelings faster and not put them on you?
Let me know when you are ready to start telling other people and I will help you with that in whatever way I can.
What can I do to affirm your identity? You have told me what not to do, but are things I can do that feel positive for you?

MEDICAL AND HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

If a patient enters your practice seeking treatment from you and you are either aware of their trans status or become aware of their trans status during the interaction, the first thing to do is confirm that you are using the correct name and pronouns and then stick to those. Make sure your patient database on your computer system reflects the correct name and pronouns. If you are unable to change them in your system for legal/billing reasons until the person has completed their legal name and gender marker change, find a way to indicate in your system what name and pronouns the patient uses so that all the staff in your clinic identify the patient correctly.

As a health professional it is your job to know what aspects of the patient’s status as a trans person are relevant to your medical field and which are not. Learn how to ask questions about the relevant areas in a respectful, straightforward way that makes it clear why it is relevant.

You should not be asking any questions related to any aspect of their transition or experience as a trans person that is not relevant to your area of practice. If you want to learn more you can ask the patient for resources they would recommend, but, better than that, you can do your own research just like you are expected to do when a patient has a history of a medical condition you are not familiar with. It cannot always be up to the patient to educate the professionals. It is not only exhausting for the patient but unprofessional.

Keep in mind that trans people will have had many unpleasant, inappropriate, transphobic experiences with other health professionals before you. They are coming into this interaction with their walls up expecting a negative experience. It only takes one misstep to confirm their expectations that this interaction will be like all the rest. If you realize you have made a misstep, apologize for it taking full responsibility and move on. Stay focused on why they are there to see you and only what is relevant to that condition/concern/complaint.

Phrases to Avoid:

Oh! You’re trans? That’s so interesting! I’d love to talk to you more about that.
Have you had the surgery?
When will your transition be complete?
Anything irrelevant to your profession or the reason they are there.

Phrases to Use:

I admit I have very little experience with trans patients so if I say something inappropriate please tell me right away or if you think there is something relevant that I haven’t asked about, please feel free to mention it if you feel comfortable doing so.
I’ve been trying to find information on trans people’s experiences with this condition. Are there any resources you would recommend?
I understand from your history that you are trans. Have we been using the correct name and pronouns for you? If yes, let us know anytime if that changes. If no, what name and pronouns would you prefer?

I hope this information helps you feel more confident that you will be able to treat trans people in a way that conveys your respect for them. Did you find any of this surprising? If there are areas you want to know more about, take a look at the Resources Page or search for other similar posts under the Partner tab.

If you are trans and reading this, what other suggestions do you have? What is your reaction when someone uses one of the phrases that I recommend people avoid?

Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!

If your partner just told you they are trans or wondering if they are trans it means they trusted you enough and value your place in their life to share this huge part of themselves with you. If you are not sure what to do next, how to be supportive, or what this means for you you’ve come to the right place. I hope this post will help answer some of those questions.

new relationship

Someone you’re dating who you are interested in and want to pursue a relationship with just told you they are trans.

They’re trans and ‘post’ transitioning

Ask them about their experience of being trans (if they are willing to share).

Do they use that label? Are they ‘out’ as trans?
When did they start to transition? How long have they been living authentically?
Do they have people who are supportive in their life? Are there people who have not been supportive?

Be honest about your level of knowledge and ask if they have any resources or things they feel you should look up.

Even if they say no, GO LOOK THINGS UP (which you likely are already doing if you have found this page so good for you! Keep going!). Learn some terminology, learn the basics of what dysphoria is and what the transition process entails for their area of the world.
Be honest about your level of comfort and confusion and that you will try not to do anything to offend them or make them uncomfortable and that if you do you want them to tell you right away so you can learn.
- Sometimes giving someone feedback like this face to face is difficult which results in not getting the feedback you need to be aware of your actions and improve. Offer alternatives – they can write you emails or notes.
- When is a good time for this type of feedback? It is much easier for people to offer intensely personal feedback if you ask for it directly. Once a week (or whatever time frame works for you), check in with them and ask for feedback.

Offensive questions/statements to avoid:

DO NOT blatantly ask about their genitals or if they have had ‘the surgery’ yet.
DO NOT say ‘wow! I’d never have known if you didn’t tell me!’ or ‘Wow you look really good for a [insert gender here],
DO NOT ask what their ‘real’ name is, or what their name used to be.

The fact that they told you means they feel strongly enough about the relationship that they wanted you to know and that they trusted you enough to tell you something that could potentially put them in an unsafe situation. This reflects well on how you have acted up to this point. Don’t mess it up with an ignorant if well-meaning response.

They are a person, same as they were before they told you they were trans. Nothing has changed. Continue with whatever topics of conversation you were enjoying and learn more about them the same way you would on any other date. Don’t make everything suddenly be about their trans identity.

They’re trans and ‘pre’/in the middle of transitioning

Ask them how they would like you to refer to them (pronouns and name) and try your best to respect that. It may change as they go through their transition so be open to that. If you mess it up say ‘sorry’, correct yourself, and move on. Don’t make a huge deal of it but don’t gloss over it either. If they would like you to use a different name/pronoun than they use in the rest of their life clarify when they would like you to use which set – will it change depending of where you are and who you are with? It is a good policy to have this check in each time you are entering a new environment/meeting new people.

Ask if they’re comfortable talking about it and if they’re willing to explain more about what they’re going through. Keep in mind that they may not want to if you’re out in public but might be ok with this in a more private setting. Or they may not want to right now but they might be able to in the future. This is not usually a reflection on you or how much they like you or how much they feel they can trust you. It is more likely related to whether they have found the words to express the confusion they feel inside.

Ask if they have any resources you should look at that will help you understand their identity or experience (see above).

Be open about your level of knowledge, confusion, and willingness to learn (see above).

Acknowledge that you might do or say something that offends them or makes them uncomfortable but that you don’t mean to and that you want them to tell you right away so you can learn (see above).

Long term relationship

Your partner may have known for a long time and have been trying to suppress it, blend in, hide it from you but they can’t any longer. They may have been presenting very much in line with their gender assigned at birth to you and to the world so this can seem like a huge change.

Or, your partner may have been presenting as closely as possible to their true identity and when they reveal to you that they’re thinking of transitioning it may seem like it makes sense and won’t be much different or it might still seem like a surprise.

You may have feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, fear, regret, even disgust. Society teaches us that trans people are abnormal and many of your initial reactions may be a result of this conditioning. Do not beat yourself up for these reactions but try your best to figure out which emotions are specific to you and your situation and which ones are a result of your preconceptions and stereotypes from society.

Try to find some private space and time where you can talk to your partner for as long as you need to understand how they feel and what they want to do. Understanding who they see themselves as and who they want the world to see will help you get a better idea of how you might feel going forward.

Express your own feelings, both negative and positive, and decide whether you need some space apart to work things through or more conversations together to learn more about how/if things will work between you.

Make a list of the aspects of your lives this will affect – your relationship, children, business ventures, family relations, etc. Being able to categorize where the stress is and who is best suited to deal with it will help avoid situations where you are both frustrated and stressed and you don’t know why or what to do about it and end up taking it out on each other.

If these conversations continually break down, consider finding a therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help guide you through this process. You can see the therapist as a couple, by yourself, or recommend your partner see them. Support groups can also be very useful. We found a PFLaG group in our area and have been going as often as we can for over 2 years now. It is wonderful to be in a space where everyone understands what you’re going through without having to explain it in great detail first. It helps normalize the experience and can help you find the support you need.

If you’re up for it, suggest a trial period of them presenting how they feel comfortable. This can be an evening at home, or a weekend away somewhere. It can be done in stages with them slowly changing their appearance one piece at a time to give you time to adjust or all at once. However you decide to do it, I suggest you discuss it together first and make a plan so that no one is surprised or put on the spot.

At this point you likely have an idea of whether or not you are comfortable maintaining your relationship with them or not. This can look many different ways. Some examples are:

Yes! This makes so much more sense and I’m here to support them 100%!
Yes, I think I’ll be ok with this but it’s going to take some time and I’ll have to take it slowly.
No, I no longer see myself in a relationship with them but I’m all for supporting them as a friend.
No, I definitely am not ok with this and I don’t want to have any part in their transition.

All these reactions are valid no matter what other people will tell you. Your experience and your life is your own. Make sure your reaction is true for you and not a reflection of what others will think or what society has taught you. You have the right to change your mind at any time. If you think you might be ok with it but at some point realize the relationship is no longer working, be honest with yourself and your partner.

Moving Forward

Communication is key!! If your partner is not willing to sit down and have open conversations with you about who they are and listen to how you feel you may need to find a more formal venue for these conversations (ie couple’s therapy with a trans positive therapist).

Honesty with yourself and your partner is also key!! Be honest about how you feel and when you don’t know what you feel. Find ways to explore different scenarios with your partner to help each of you figure out how you feel. Your partner will be going through a lot of intense emotional things and you may not feel like you want to put all your doubts and confusion and frustration on them as well. Ask them if they are ok with you talking to one close friend about what you’re going through. For me, this was someone who lived somewhere else in the country which meant very low risk to my husband. It might help if it is someone who is somewhat familiar with the queer community, especially if you are not.

If you are happy staying with your partner, their transition will change how society views your sexuality (see my post about this here). I know, this makes no sense because you haven’t changed as a person, but it will happen anyway. Your sexual orientation and the labels you use can change if you feel like it has but it doesn’t have to. You are likely still attracted to the same types of people you were before your partner transitioned. Your partner may still fit within the label you use or you can see your attraction to your partner as an exception. Either way, it will help to find labels that work for you so you have a way to come out to people without outing your partner as trans (for those that didn’t know you beforehand).

I hope this helped. This is the type of information that would have been useful for me to have during my husband’s questioning phase and into the beginning of his transition. Giving support to other partners of trans people is one of the main reasons I started this blog.

How did you react when your partner told you they were trans? How has this affected you as you process this information? What types of support have you found? What is the outcome for you and your partner? Leave a comment below and tell me your story.

Bridging the Gap Between Mainstream and Queer/Trans Culture

What gap?

People in the queer/trans communities are used to lots of different labels and have a common understanding of what it feels like to have to figure out who you are, be in the closet, and come out. If you hang out in the queer/trans communities enough it seems like this understanding is shared with everyone. But the general population outside of this community may never have been exposed to any of those labels, experiences, or knowledge.

For the most part, mainstream culture sees gender as a binary, sees heterosexuality as ‘the norm’ or ‘the expected’, and understands basic labels such as gay and lesbian, occasionally bisexual, even less often, trans. There is rarely an understanding of gender as a spectrum, of how to respectfully describe a trans person, or the variety of labels for and experiences of sexual orientations.

why is there a gap?

Mainstream culture has mainly been exposed to queer experiences through media, as with most minorities. What is shown in media is usually controlled by the mainstream. So how can we expect mainstream culture to have an accurate or even partial understanding of queer/trans experiences? This is slowly changing as media outlets like Youtube allow minorities a way to speak for themselves (when the algorithm isn’t busy censoring them), as more celebrities and professional athletes come out and speak up in support of the queer/trans community, and as more queer/trans characters are included in media.

acknowledging and accepting the gap

Surrounding yourself with like-minded people builds a strong supportive environment but it can lead to an assumption that the rest of the world has similar views. If queer people are aware of this gap of understanding it is often easier to ignore the ignorance around them on a day to day basis than constantly feel threatened or misunderstood. But ignoring it leads to queer people using language that others are not familiar with or referring to common experiences that others find strange. This causes miscommunication, confusion, frustration, and ‘othering’ – a focus on the differences between people, how ‘different’ and ‘strange’ queer people are.

If you say something that a co-worker or acquaintance doesn’t understand such as using a label that is less common or making reference to an aspect of transitioning and your co-worker responds with confusion, try not to take it personally or make them feel stupid. Try to treat this as a flag of truce, an indication where the gap is. This lack of understanding can be frustrating but to narrow the gap we have to communicate using terms that everyone understands, not ignore the ignorance or get defensive and angry when someone demonstrates ignorance. Acknowledge that you have different experiences, different levels of exposure to this sub-culture, and use the opportunity to educate someone new (if you have the energy) or pointing them in the direction of resources. I am not always the best at this but I am working on it. Sometimes it still takes me by surprise when things that seem obvious to me are beyond common knowledge.

when does this gap become an issue?

Coming out (which can lead to being bullied, fired, or evicted)
Medical settings (which can lead to health concerns being missed, queer/trans people knowing more about their condition than the medical professional or avoiding medical care altogether)
When you need support and try to explain what you are struggling with to others and get a ‘that’s interesting’ response instead of ‘I understand and support you’

how to bridge the gap

Step 1: Identify the gap
- What is the knowledge level of the least aware person in the group?
- What do you want them to be able to understand?
Step 2: Connect the dots
- What are some key pieces of information that they need in order to understand your identity/information?
- Start with the basics – gender as a spectrum, the genderbread person, separation of sex, gender, orientation, and presentation
- Try to explain what it feels like in your shoes
  - How dysphoria feels (not specifically what about your body/situation causes dysphoria)
  - The confusion that you experienced before you had the language to understand your identity and communicate it to others
  - The fear of repercussions if you come out, the impact of having to stay in the closet
  - The impact of being misgendered, both prior to and after coming out
Step 3: Take away message
- Be super clear that the most important thing they can do is respect your name and pronouns (or whatever the most important aspect is for you)

tips and useful phrases

Tips:
- Have an exit plan. These types of conversations are intense and difficult. Have somewhere you can go afterwards to recover.
- Have a follow up plan. If they have further questions, where do they go, who can they talk to, who do they bring them up?
- Have back up. If the conversation/discussion doesn’t go well and turns into a bullying situation or you experience outright homophobia or transphobia, who can you go with those concerns?
- Written messages are easier for people to absorb but less personal. If you have a hard time finding the right words or are concerned that the situation may not be safe enough in person, try a written message instead. Keep in mind that an in-person conversation will likely be necessary at some point but at least they’ll have the basics and you can specify the terms of the personal conversation in the original message (ie one on one, boss present, at a specific meeting, etc).
Phrases:
- You don’t have to understand someone’s experience in order to respect them
- The most important thing you can do is respect someone’s name and pronouns
- If you get their pronouns wrong, correct yourself and move on. If someone else corrects you because you didn’t hear yourself make the mistake, apologize, correct yourself, and return to the topic at hand.

Have you experienced this gap in understanding? How did it affect you? What approach did you take to bridging or overcoming the gap? If you were on the receiving end of this type of conversation at some point, how did it feel for you? Were you able to absorb the information? Did you follow up with the person or look for further resources afterwards? Did it change your perspective or interaction with others? Leave a comment below to tell me your experience!

My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 2 – Social Transition)

The story began in Part 1 – Exploration.

We started Jake’s coming out process with some preparation and planning, as usual. We made a list of the people he wanted to tell first starting with who would be easiest to tell and would likely be the most accepting. Telling them would hopefully give Jake the confidence and support he needed to tell the ones who’s acceptance would have a bigger impact and therefore, would be a lot more stressful to come out to.

I helped Jake write an email that he sent to the first few people on the list. When that went well, he continued down the list at his own pace. We revamped that letter a number of times throughout the coming out process depending on who we were telling and what type of information they would respond to best.

Gender Gymnastics

I had my own sort of coming out process at the same time. For a long time I had been trying to refer to Jake using male pronouns and name in my own head and at home (which we discovered is hard to do because when it’s just the two of us we never use our proper names or third person pronouns). But until Jake was ready to come out I still had to refer to ‘my wife’ when I wanted to share personal stories with co-workers. This is something I had done a lot of in the past in an effort to be a visible example of a queer couple. Plus, I’m a talkative sort of person, what can I say. This became very uncomfortable, to the point where I began avoiding pronouns or using neutral pronouns when talking about Jake, and shortened his birth name to a gender neutral nickname. However, neither of those would fly around his family so I had to continue with the female pronouns and name with them.

Adjusting to someone’s new pronouns and name is extremely difficult for a lot of people but here I was switching back and forth between three sets of pronouns and names with minimal errors for about four months. We quickly realized this must be my super power. Even so, it took a lot of mental energy, caused a baseline level of burnout that would continue to escalate over the next two years, and caused me to develop a speech pattern that has random pauses in it from when I had to reorder the words in a sentence to avoid a pronoun midway through.

Telling My Co-workers

Around the time Jake started coming out to his friends and family, he gave me permission to ‘come out’ for him with my co-workers (whom he had minimal to no contact with). Finally, I would be able to use male pronouns and refer to my husband Jake. This happened to coincide with November 20th – Trans day of Remembrance. I work in health care in a department that is broken into smaller teams so I decided to make a short presentation at a the next team meeting.

I highlighted how difficult navigating the health care system can be for trans people and the disastrous consequences of that ignorance and transphobia can have, especially when it comes from a professional or happens at a time when the trans person is already in a vulnerable position. I explained that this issue is particularly important to me because my husband is transitioning. My voice only wavered a little bit at this point but I was extremely grateful that I could hide my shaking hands behind the lectern and lean on it for support when my legs went to jelly. I quickly followed this with an educational introduction video done by Jazz Jennings listing the 10 most important things to know about trans people. At the end of the meeting I received hugs from a couple of my closer friends on the team and someone even thanked me for helping them understand what a younger member of their family was also going through and how to support them better.

In my experience, there was plenty of gossip about co-worker’s private lives relating to other topics (deaths in the family, health issues, reasons for absences, personality conflicts, etc). I thought this would be a novelty item for gossip and would spread quickly through the department. Well, I was wrong. Either my partner transitioning is too far removed to be of interest (rather than me transitioning), or people didn’t know how to talk about it or were too uncomfortable to talk about it to want to gossip about it. Or they recognized that talking about it would constitute outing someone which is generally not acceptable, though in this case it would have been useful.

So this began about a year-long, slow coming out process with many repetitions of – blah blah my husband blah blah, oh yes, still the same person, yes, my wife is now my husband, no I haven’t gotten divorced and re-married in the span of a few months, my husband is transitioning, yes I’m ok with it, yes, I’m still gay, his name is Jake, no, it’s not actually polite to ask what his name was before, no, that’s alright, yes, I’m happy to explain it all to you sometime, just not right now in this room full of people, anyway, what I was saying was…. Each time my heart would pound, my palms would sweat, and I’d be glad I was sitting down or would find a chair quickly. This reaction lessened with each repetition but often the mini coming out sessions would take me by surprise because I was never sure who would have found out some other way or who I had told already (I am notorious for forgetting who I told what to).

Occasionally I would have longer more in-depth conversations with some of the co-workers I knew a bit better or some that were particularly curious. I say curious rather than nosy because for the most part their questions didn’t come from a place of wanting to know juicy details about my personal life or my husband’s. They were more curious about what the internal and external process was like in a general sense or in a health care related sense and what my reactions were to it. So even when their questions were targeted to me or Jake I would keep my answers broad such as ‘well often the trans person…’ or if I was ok being more specific or personal (which often I was) I would say ‘well I can’t speak for other people but for us…’ I had many conversations with Jake about what aspects of his transition he was comfortable with me sharing with people and lucky for me he usually said whatever I wanted to share was fine. This is partly because I was talking to people who he had little to no interaction with and partly because I work in health care and we want to educate as many health care workers about trans issues as possible.

Over time (via trial and error and educating myself via online resources) I learned what questions were appropriate for people to be asking and which ones they didn’t really need to know in order to expand their understanding of the trans experience. One example is when people would ask what his name used to be. They would remember that I had a wife but couldn’t remember my wife’s name so when I said I had a husband named Jake and yes, he was the same person as before, they wanted to fill in the missing information. In these instances I learned to tell people that this isn’t actually a question you should ask and provide an explanation why so they didn’t think it was just because I was uncomfortable answering and then go on to ask the same thing of the next trans person they met. For the above example I would explain that knowing his previous name wouldn’t help them understand his experience or who he was, it would likely only get in the way of them changing the image of him in their heads by giving them a female name to latch onto. Maybe at some point in the future I will be brave enough to challenge them by asking why they are curious about this in the first place and make them reflect on where that question is coming from.

Telling My Family

When Jake was ready to come out to my family we discussed who he needed to come out to directly and who I could act as a go-between for. I helped him rephrase his letter (again) and provided backup for the follow up questions. I had discussions with my immediate family about what this meant for me and how I was dealing with it all. By this time I had had plenty of practice with explaining this to people so though the conversation was slightly more intense because it was more personal, I managed it fine.

Since my family lives across the country from us they had to police themselves in order to reinforce correct name and pronouns. So we gave my immediate family some time to get used to the idea and more comfortable with the correct name and pronouns before telling my extended family. I hand wrote a personal letter and mailed it to my grandmother, hoping that the evident effort in writing it would show how important it was to me. I got a brief response from her that said she received it and that she loved us and she used male pronouns and ‘Jake’ throughout which was all we needed. We shortened this letter to just the necessary basics and sent it as an email to my extended family all at once. I got many responses of support, all of which I forwarded on to Jake so he would see them too. Overall, it went fairly smoothly.

Helping With His Family

Around Jake’s family I reinforced his name and pronouns just by using them. Since he never uses them for himself and they wouldn’t use them when talking to him it was only when I was also there that they would hear someone using them and we could see whether they were doing the same. This meant I had to get out of the habit of avoiding pronouns and start using them as much as possible – again, thankful for my super power. But their slow reaction time and constant misgendering of him took its toll on me. We discussed a number of times whether it was ok for me to correct them or not – was Jake not correcting them because he didn’t want to rush their acceptance process and he was trying to be respectful or because he didn’t have the energy but really wished I would? Jake preferred to correct them when he saw fit so when I felt my blood pressure rising I would bow out of a conversation or avoid social engagements with them for little while.

The turning point came when Jake’s step-brother got married. Jake hadn’t planned on telling his extended family yet but he knew he didn’t want to be introduced as the groom’s sister or be asked to wear a dress *shudder*. So about a month before the wedding Jake sent them an email (as per usual) and got a supportive reply suggesting they get together the next week when they were in town. We had a lovely open conversation with them and discussed how to handle this at the wedding. Jake decided he was going to jump in with both feet and correct people as needed but he would be ‘Jake’ and ‘he’, the groom’s brother from now on.

The majority of the guests at the wedding had never met Jake before, though a few would have known that the groom had a number of sisters but no brother. I assume some of that correction happened in the background on the groom’s part but for our part Jake and I made brief explanations and corrections for the people who actually knew him and his mom helped with that a bit too (yay!). Throughout the weekend everyone around us was referring to Jake as male like it was a non-issue. It was fantastic. More than that, it showed Jake’s immediate family that using Jake and he/him was ok, people wouldn’t treat him as a freak, and he was so much more relaxed. Because everyone else was calling him Jake and ‘he’, they looked weird when they didn’t. So his immediate family had a weekend of name and pronoun immersion which is just what they needed.

Coming out at work – more anxieties

We had been planning for Jake to come out at work for a while. He had contacted HR to make sure he had backup if he needed it, he had done bathroom reconnaissance to find a gender neutral bathroom in case the males were not supportive enough to feel safe using the men’s bathroom, and he had drafted a letter to his team lead and her boss. But after that weekend at the wedding where he got to be Jake for an entire weekend it was extremely difficult to go back to being a woman at work. So he bit the bullet and sent the emails and had the meetings.

When Jake was preparing to come out at work I had a resurgence of the anxieties about whether he’d be going to an antagonistic work environment that was unsafe but I knew that it would still be better than the constant overwhelming dysphoria. How would he deal with people that weren’t accepting? The first day when he was telling people was super stressful but in the end it went fairly well. They are still (more than a year later) messing up his pronouns on a daily basis which is taking a toll but overall everyone was supportive.

The next step was to start changing his ID. Not to mention that he was still waiting for the initial psychiatrist appointment who would refer him for hormones and surgery. This is where the real frustrations began.

The story concludes in Part 3: Medical and Legal Transition.