Tag: AFAB

Why Using AMAB and AFAB is Problematic

I have used AMAB (assigned male at birth) and AFAB (assigned female at birth) many times since I started this blog. But I recently heard an argument against using these terms that I think is worth sharing.

Though the terminology of ‘assigned at birth’ is better than ‘biological sex’ or simply ‘sex’, it doesn’t change the fact that these are still broad categories based on sex-at-birth characteristics. I often use these terms as a general reference to ‘people who grew up being read as female due to an estrogen-based puberty’ and ‘people who grew up being read as male due to a testosterone-based puberty’. But this still makes the assumption that someone’s sex assigned at birth will determine the type of puberty they have, the characteristics and functions of their body, how they are socialized, and how they are read by society. Boiling all of that down to someones’s sex assignment is limiting, unhelpfully broad, and extremely exclusionary to intersex people.

I am trying to replace my use of these terms with more specific references. Here are some examples.

  • People who were raised female/male
  • People who menstruate/don’t menstruate
  • People with uteruses and/or vaginas
  • People who produce sperm
  • People with penises
  • People who lactate
  • People with facial hair
  • People with dysphoria due to a rounded chest
  • People who are assumed to be female/male
  • People with a low voice (bass/baritone range)
  • People with a high voice (soprano range)
  • People who are trying to masculinize their appearance/presentation
  • People who are trying to feminize their appearance/presentation

In almost any instance where I would normally use the shorthand of AFAB or AMAB there is a better phrase that is more specific to the context that I am referring to and therefore the people who might share this experience. It may use more words to say it but it ends up being more inclusive, more specific, and much more easily understood by a wider range of people.

Using more descriptive phrases relates our gender to our experiences, not to our sex assignment at birth or the gender that society assigns to our body. You avoid the constant reminder that society got it wrong (and often continues to get it wrong). Many people who would be turned off by that reminder would have no problem engaging in discussion when they are referred to using one of the alternative phrases above.

These descriptive phrases are also more inclusive of nonbinary people who may not share all the same desires, types of dysphoria, and presentation preferences as binary trans folks. If referring to AMAB trans people with the assumption that they share the experience of attempting to feminize their appearance in various ways, this could be frustrating and exclusionary of intersex and nonbinary people.

So next time you go to use the acronym AMAB or AFAB, try replacing it with a more specific and descriptive phrase. I know I will. Since I started trying to do this, there haven’t been any instances where I felt like the acronyms worked better.

What is your experience with these acronyms? Do they rub you the wrong way or not bother you at all? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts!

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Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises

If you haven’t read it yet, check out Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects. I will refer to the same areas of the body and some of those effects in this post.

GENERAL RECOMMENDATIONS

  • Try to wear it as short a time as possible. Most recommendations state no longer than 8 hours but if you work 8 or 10 or 12 hour days, that just isn’t possible. Just know that the longer you wear it, the worse the above effects will be.
  • Try to wear it as few days as possible. If you have severe dysphoria and can’t leave the house without a binder on, try to have one day a week where you stick close to home so you can stay binder free. Or try other slightly less compressive options as many days of the week as possible.
  • Avoid exercise while wearing a binder. Your lungs cannot expand the way they need to during exercise which forces your heart rate to go up significantly more to compensate. Also, you will have poor spinal and shoulder mobility, causing stress and damage to other joints, muscles, and tendons.
  • Do not bind while sleeping. When we sleep we are not aware of discomfort. You could be causing damage and not know about it. Also, while you are unconscious and thus not aware of dysphoria, this is the ideal time to take a break from binding.
  • Never bind with ace bandages. The tension in the wrap can shift over time causing one layer to loosen and another to tighten beyond what is safe.

EXERCISES

Deep breathing

Benefits lungs, ribs, and pelvic floor.

For the following exercises:

  • Best done in a seated position but can be done lying on your back.
  • If you start to get light-headed, breathe normally until it clears.
  • If you have COPD, skip the first exercise and focus on breathing all your air out between each deep breath in.

Active Breathing Cycle

  • Take a deep breath
  • Hold it in for 2-3 seconds
  • Let all the air out by compressing the lungs until they are empty
  • Take a full deep breath, then breathe normally for 5 breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Diaphragmatic breathing

  • Place a hand on your upper belly, just below your breastbone
  • On each breath in, take a deep breath, pushing your tummy out into your hand
  • Try to minimize the rise or widening of your chest
  • Try to only move your tummy to breathe
  • Cycle of 5 belly breaths and 3 regular breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Lateral Costal Breathing

  • This one is a little harder and may take some practice
  • Place your hands on the sides of your ribs (either by bending your elbows or giving yourself a hug)
  • On each breath in, take a deep breath, trying to make your chest as wide as possible and pushing your ribs out into your hands
  • Try to minimize the rise of your chest and the expansion of your belly
  • Cycle 5 wide breaths and 3 regular breaths
  • Repeat 3-5 times

Spine and rib movements

Restores general mobility to the spine and ribs.

Thoracic Side Bending

  • In a seated position, hold on hand on your ribs at the side.
  • Bend towards that hand, bringing the other arm up and over your head.
  • Hold stretch for 10-20 seconds while breathing deeply.
  • Repeat to the other side.
  • Repeat each side 3-5 times.

Thoracic Rotation

  • In a seated position, cross your arms high on your chest so you’re grasping your shoulders.
  • Gently rotate as far as you can one way, and then slowly as far as you can the other way.
  • As you go, you should feel less resistance and be able to rotate a bit further without pain or muscle cramping.
  • Repeat 15-20 times.

Flexion and Extension

  • In a seated position, reach forward, curling your neck, shoulders, and upper back as you breathe out.
  • Take a deep breath in, opening your arms, pulling your shoulders back, and arching your upper back.
  • Complete 5 repetitions, take a break to breathe normally for 3-5 breaths, then repeat 2 more times.

Spinal Twist

  • Lie on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your arms spread out on the floor.
  • Keeping your shoulders flat on the floor, let your knees, hips, and lower back rotate down to one side.
  • Take a deep breath in and out, then pull your knees up and rotate them the opposite direction.
  • Alternately, you can start by lying on one side and, keeping your knees on the floor, lift the top arm and rotate your shoulders across to try and get them flat on the mat and then repeat on the opposite side.
  • Repeat 5-10 times.

Neck Range of Motion

  • Tip your ear to your shoulder, roll your head down to the middle, then the opposite ear to your shoulder, and back up to the middle.
  • Breathe slowly and evenly throughout.
  • Pay attention to where you feel muscle pull. Don’t force the stretch in these areas but pause in the circle to take a full breath in and out in these areas.
  • Repeat 5-10 times, alternating direction.

Chin Tuck and Neck Extension

  • Without looking down or bending your neck forward, tilt your head to tuck your chin in (like you’re trying to create a double chin).
  • With one or both hands, grasp the back of your head and gently pull up. You should feel a stretch right at the base of your skull.
  • You can also add a bit of sideways pull.
  • Hold the stretch for 5-10 seconds. Repeat 3-5 times.

Spine mobilization

Targets the thoracic (mid) spine and posterior ribs to decrease stiffness and stretch the ligaments.

For the following exercises:

  • You will need a foam roller
  • You will be lying on your back on a carpet or mat with your knees bent up and your feet on the floor with the foam roller horizontal under your spine.
  • Only put pressure on the spine where the ribs connect to the spine, not down on the lower back or up on the neck.

Spine Rolling

  • Lift your hips of the mat so the only place of contact is your feet and the roll.
  • With your hands behind your head or crossed over your chest, gently roll up and down the roll by walking your feet along the floor while breathing deeply.
  • Spend more time in areas that feel stiff or sore.
  • Repeat 10-15 times.

Foam Roller Extension

  • Place the roll just above your bottom ribs.
  • Take a deep breath in, then slowly arch back over the roll as you breathe out. Only go as far as you are comfortable.
  • In the arched position, take a full deep breath in and arch a bit more when you breathe out.
  • Return to the start position and move the roll slightly higher on your spine. Repeat.
  • It should take 4-6 repetitions in different spots to cover your spine up to the shoulder blades.
  • Repeat the whole spine 3-5 times.

Shoulder mobility and mechanics

Shoulder and Arm Circles

  • Roll your shoulders forward, up, back, and down. Repeat 10 times.
  • Picture a clock face on your shoulder where 12 is up, 3 is forward, 9 is back, and 6 is down. Pull your shoulders into the 10:30 position. Hold them there while you raise your arms up to the sides.
  • With your shoulders stable and your thumbs pointing up, move your arms in circles from big to small and back to big. Change direction and go big to small to big again. Repeat 3-5 times.

Protraction and Retraction

  • Give yourself a hug, grasping your shoulders and pulling them forward to stretch your back. Take a deep breath in and out.
  • Pull your arms back and squeeze your shoulder blades together, stretching your chest. Take a deep breath in and out.
  • Repeat 5-10 times.

Overhead Reach with Scapular Rotation

  • Raise one arm out to the side and overhead.
  • Focus on rotating your shoulder blade so the point of your shoulder moves towards your ear.
  • Place your other hand just below your armpit. You should feel the edge of your shoulder blade push into your hand.
  • Repeat 5-10 times each side.

Don’t feel like you have to do all of these every day. Pick a few and do what is manageable. Focus on the ones that treat the area that is causing the most pain for you. The more you do them, the better.

If you have any questions, please leave me a comment and I will clarify or provide modifications. If you have any other exercises that you have found helpful, please also share those in the comments!

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Wearing a Binder: Physiological Effects

Wearing a binder is sometimes the only way that a person with dysphoria related to having breasts can leave the house. The psychological and emotional impacts of dysphoria are often worse than the physical discomfort from the binder. But that doesn’t mean we should ignore the binder’s effects on our body.

I strongly believe that the more you know about something, the more you can do to make it better.

If you are someone who wears a binder, occasionally or regularly, and just suffers through the physical discomfort in order to manage dysphoria, I’m here to tell you there are ways to make the physical pain less. I can’t guarantee the strategies I talk about will get rid of it, but they will prevent worsening and decrease the pain.

This post is not designed to scare you. It is designed to give you accurate anatomical and physiological information about the various ways a binder can affect your body. In the next post, I will give you concrete ways to minimize these effects.

Disclaimer: I am a physiotherapist and as such have a strong understanding of anatomy and physiology. I am someone who wears a binder and has experienced these effects. I have not done any scientific research on the effects of binder use nor read any scientific research on this topic. I have attended a lecture by researchers who have looked at binder use and I have talked to many trans people about their experiences.

LUNGS

Your lungs are like an upside down tree. They have a main trunk, large branches, then smaller branches, all leading to little round bubbles called alveoli. They are roughly pyramid shaped with the smallest part at the top by your collar bone and the largest part in line with the bottom of your breastbone. They are a self-cleaning organ that requires a consistent exchange of clean air to remain healthy.

When you wear a binder, your lungs cannot expand to their full capacity. The restriction is mostly in a circle around the widest part of the lungs. In order to breathe, you have to expand more through the upper parts of your lungs which are much smaller. This restricts your body’s ability to get more oxygen when exercising and can make you lightheaded. The parts of your lungs that stay closed can become sticky and develop mucus which holds and breeds bacteria. Without taking time to fully expand your lungs when you take off the binder, this could develop into a chronic cough or pneumonia.

SPINE

Your spine is made of vertebrae stacked on top of each other with discs between the bodies and many ligaments and muscles connecting them together. It has a natural inward curve in the neck, outward curve in the upper back, and inward curve in the low back. The different areas of the spine are designed to move in different ways but over all it can bend forward and back, side to side, and rotate. These large movements are created by a small amount of movement between each vertebra.

When you wear a binder, it restricts the movement in the mid spine or upper back forcing the areas above and below to compensate and move more. The areas above and below become hypermobile which can cause pain. Because of the lack of movement in the mid-spine (the section under the binder), the ligaments and muscles become tight, short, and weak which will cause stiffness and pain even when not wearing the binder.

RIBS

Your ribs connect to your spine in the back and your sternum in the front. The joints in the front are more flexible than the ones in the back. The ribs are designed to move out and up when we breathe in. They have ligaments connecting them to the spine, cartilage connecting them to the sternum, and muscles connecting them to each other.

When you are wearing a binder, your ribs are restricted and compressed. The ligaments and muscles can tighten and shorten over time, decreasing your lung capacity even when not wearing the binder. The joints at your spine stiffen up, forcing the joints at the front to move more than they should in order to expand your chest to breathe. This can cause sharp pain by the sternum, or costochondritis. If you use something other than a safe binder to bind with, wear a binder that is too small, or wear your binder too long or too often, you can also cause fractures in your ribs.

SHOULDERS

Your shoulders are designed to have a large range of motion. In order to do get your arms above shoulder height and reach above your head, the structures around the shoulder have to rotate up and out of the way. This includes the shoulder blade, collar bone, and upper ribs. When these three structures rotate up, the tip of your shoulder comes towards your ear.

When wearing a binder, there is more pressure downwards on the collar bone and compression around the ribs. There can also be tension on the skin under your arm and around your shoulder. This all causes restriction in the ability of those structures to move up and rotate when you raise your arm. This can lead to a feeling of weakness in your arm, pain at the shoulder joint from tendons being pinched, and a loss of the body’s natural mechanics, and therefore strength, for overhead movements.

PELVIC FLOOR

Your pelvic floor is made up of many different muscles that form the bottom of your abdominal and pelvic cavity. If you think of this cavity as a pop can, the diaphragm is the top and the pelvic floor is the bottom with the abdominal muscles forming the sides and your organs inside. When you take a deep breath in, your diaphragm pushes down on your abdominal organs, increasing the pressure in the abdomen and pelvis. Your abdominal muscles and pelvic floor muscles absorb this pressure by expanding slightly while maintaining their contraction.

When wearing a binder, your diaphragm is not able to flatten fully and you are unable to take a full deep breath. This means that your pelvic floor muscles do not get the regular exercise of maintaining a contraction while stretching. They become weaker, tighter, and shorter. This can lead to pelvic pain from trigger points in the muscles, pain on penetration, and sometimes incontinence.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND EXERCISES

Again, this post was not designed to scare you. In Wearing a Binder: Recommendations and Exercises, I give you concrete ways to minimize these effects – general recommendations for binder use and a variety of exercises I recommend to counteract some of the effects discussed above.

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

  1. The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
  2. The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
  3. Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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Menstruation and Gender

Having a menstrual cycle is treated as a very female experience. It is seen as the transition from being a girl to being a woman. It is treated as a symbol of fertility and future motherhood. So it is understandable that people who menstruate but who do not identify as women would struggle a lot with this time of the month.

Menstruation is a huge trigger for dysphoria in a lot of people. For people that menstruate who don’t identify as women, they are going through PMS mood swings and the physical pain of cramps and the inescapable bleeding all while combating feelings that this invalidates their gender identity, that their body is doing things that feel wrong, and that no one would understand how this feels if they ever had the courage to talk about it.

Then there are the women who have never menstruated and never will. They hear other women complaining about their symptoms, having to take birth control pills, or see it represented in media (on the rare occasion). Not having a period and not being able to relate to the experience of having a menstrual cycle can feel invalidating of their identity as a woman.

There are many reasons why a woman may not have a menstrual cycle. And it’s not only women that can menstruate. We need to start separating the things our bodies do and the way our bodies look from gender. Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

I am an AFAB, non-binary, genderfluid person. When it comes to my period, I am one of the lucky ones. Almost every menstrual cycle, my gender shifts in the female direction with the beginning of my period and has a corresponding shift in the male direction as my period ends. This means I have very little dysphoria when it comes to my period. Sure, I still have the fatigue and cramps and grossness but I feel more female than male at the time so it feels in line with my gender. Usually these shifts in my gender are gradual over the course of a couple days but when they happen in the span of a few hours it makes me feel very cranky, out of sorts, and often dysphoric. Maybe this pattern is hormonal, maybe its societal. All I know is that it’s consistent and very helpful.

I figured out this pattern by tracking my gender for a couple months which I describe here. Knowing this pattern has helped me significantly when managing dysphoria. I know to watch for the shift in my gender around the time when my period is supposed to start and then again as it’s ending which allows me to adapt my presentation and dysphoria management strategies more easily.

Not everyone with a fluid gender will have predictable fluctuations in their gender like I do and not everyone will have fluctuations based on a menstrual cycle. My gender fluctuates in less predictable ways during the middle of my cycle.

Regardless of whether someone’s gender fluctuates or not, they do not need to be a woman to menstruate and they do no need to menstruate to be a woman.

What influences your experience of your gender? Do you experience dysphoria related to having or not having a menstrual cycle? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities

Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input.

I recently joined Instagram in an attempt to find more non-binary community. For the most part it has been immensely helpful and wonderful. But one of the things that surprised me was how uncomfortable it was for me to see images of AMAB non-binary folks playing around with their presentation. I was not uncomfortable because I thought they looked strange or weird (they didn’t, they looked awesome), I was uncomfortable because as a non-binary person I was expecting to empathize with them and instead, when I automatically pictured myself using similar strategies for presentation, it made me super dysphoric. This post is an attempt to explore that experience.

AMAB and AFAB people are going to feel dysphoric in different ways and are therefore going to use different strategies to mitigate that dysphoria. This can lead to vastly different, or sometimes completely opposite, gender expressions. For example, an AFAB person might wear a binder, wear traditionally male clothing, and limit their use of makeup. An AMAB person might wear traditionally female clothing, makeup, jewelry, or nail polish.

This is not to say that in order to ‘be’ non-binary, you have to alter your appearance to conform to the other binary gender from what you were assigned at birth. There is no one way to ‘be’ non-binary. There is no ‘right’ way to be non-binary. You can be AFAB, wear a dress and makeup and paint your nails and still be non-binary. But often, dysphoria is either related to aspects of our bodies and biology, or related to how we are viewed by society. Altering our body shape and presentation can help with the dysphoria or lead to gender euphoria and there are strategies that are common among AMAB people and vastly different strategies that are common among AFAB people.

Despite these differences that have made it hard for me to relate to images of AMAB non-binary people, there are many similarities in how we experience the world. We all had to struggle to figure out why we felt uncomfortable with either of the binary gender options that were presented to us. We all had to figure out how to communicate our identity to ourselves and others. We all struggle to have our identity recognized as valid by those around us and society at large. We all struggle against binary assumptions, expectations, and limitations.

There are some AMAB non-binary people who, having taken estrogen, have some breast development and occasionally wear a binder. Or some AFAB people who take low dose testosterone to lower their voice and change their body structure but don’t want facial hair and end up having electrolysis. So even with what seem like vast differences in our strategies to present authentically, non-binary folks can have experiences that overlap in important and interesting ways.

What similarities or differences have you experienced with other non-binary folks? Have you been able to connect with people who share your identity but were assigned a different gender at birth? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think!

Exploring My Gender Expression

I have both a female gender and male gender. This means I am most comfortable expressing my gender in ways that include both female and male components. Neither aspect of my gender is very far from the middle of the spectrum so I personally prefer a more androgynous appearance. Some people may prefer to mix aspects of presentation from the two extremes. If this is what makes them feel comfortable and authentic, I say have at it.

Gender expression is a combination of appearance and behaviour. My purpose for exploring my gender expression was to find a way to express how I feel physically in my body to help decrease physical dysphoria and to present myself in a way that makes my identity more visible to others in order to influence how they see me and interact with me in order to decrease social dysphoria.

Throughout this series of posts I will be referring to different aspects of gender presentation based on their conventional gender category. This does not mean I believe these aspects of presentation ‘belong’ to that gender or should be gendered at all. It’s just a convenient way to discuss and think about presentation since part of the purpose is to affect how others (who typically do prescribe gender categories to aspects of presentation) view us.

I am still exploring my gender expression and will continue to, off and on, for my whole life as I change as a person, but here are some of the aspects I have considered.

APPEARANCE

Clothing

You can do almost anything you want with clothing. You can pick different articles of clothing (skirt or dress, slacks and bowtie), different styles (golf shirt vs blouse, short shorts vs long shorts), and different colours (darker, neutral, or royal colours are typically more masculine, softer lighter colours are typically feminine).

You can combine any of these components in any way, for example a feminine bottom (skirt) with a masculine top (button up shirt and bowtie), or adopt a consistent gender presentation that is similar day to day or wildly different depending on how you feel.

As an AFAB person, my base appearance is more feminine so I am more comfortable when I wear more masculine clothing to balance that out. My sense of gender fluctuates somewhat but stays generally closer to the middle than either end of the spectrum so my clothing doesn’t change a ton.

Body Hair and Head Hair

Body hair, in my North American culture, is generally viewed as more masculine. This includes leg hair and underarm hair. At some point in my early to mid teens I tried shaving my legs. Not only was having to shave annoying but it felt uncomfortable to me so I stopped. I can now identify the discomfort I felt as relating to gender. This was a mild component of dysphoria triggered by shaving my legs. This dysphoria at least has an easy fix – don’t shave.

Facial hair is especially seen as masculine. As I am not on testosterone and do not have facial hair I have to make up for this in other ways. I have never particularly wanted to have facial hair but some days it would be nice to have the shortcut to being identified as male.

Head hair is something I’ve experimented with very recently. Growing up I always had long hair and almost always had it tied back in a pony tail or braid. In my early twenties I did Cuts for Cancer and had it cut to just above ear length. I quite enjoyed this but didn’t specifically identify it as a gender based experience. I slowly grew it out, mostly due to neglect, but then the undercut style came into fashion. I started with the basic undercut at the back, then expanded it up one side. I was almost exclusively wearing the long part of my hair in a bun. I worked up the courage and finally got it all cut short. This has been one of the best experiences since starting to explore my gender identity and play with expression. It has offset my base feminine appearance to the point where I feel comfortable adding a bit of feminine flair back in. I feel more like myself and I like what I see when I look in the mirror.

Accessories and Jewelry

Most jewelry is seen as feminine. Thicker, darker, or chunkier jewelry is on the more masculine side. I have two necklaces that are more gender neutral or masculine, and two that are more feminine. Watches are something that can be either depending on style, so I wear a more masculine style watch. I do not have my ears pierced but I do sometimes wear an ear cuff. I have three – straight lines (more masculine), crossing zig zag lines that looks a bit elven (neutral), and a rose (feminine).

Switching up my jewelry and other accessories is one of the main ways I deal with dysphoria. I have to wear pretty similar clothes every day at work so I don’t have as many presentation options with clothing.

BEHAVIOUR

I think of behaviour as anything that wouldn’t be discernible from a picture. This can include physical movements and postures, voice, word choices, interaction style, and mannerisms. Some examples are how you cross your legs, altering the pitch of your voice, or your physical greeting style (handshake, hug, one-arm hug, fist bump, etc).

Women typically apologize more, especially if they’re interrupting or offering an opinion. This is a hard habit to break if you are the type of person that does this a lot but if you are trying to be read as more masculine, breaking this habit might help.

When walking towards someone in a hallway or on the sidewalk, women are more likely to move out of the way, even if they were only taking up half of the space to begin with. So, without being rude and blocking the hallway, hold your ground next time and see how it feels. I will do this if I am passing a more masculine person but I will still move out of the way if it is a more feminine person.

Men typically hold doors for women. So, if you are feeling more masculine, hold doors for women (and men, and people in general), or insist that the guy who is trying to hold the door for you walk through first.

Over the course of a few months, I have consciously worked to lower the pitch of my voice. I have a music and choir background so part of how I do this is by working to expand my singing range into lower registers. This helps to maintain the resonant quality despite using the lower end of my range (so I don’t sound monotone or growly when I talk). Some days I will work harder at this than others depending on whether my masculine side or feminine side is more dominant that day. The times when I have to correct my voice more consciously is when I am greeting people, when I’m talking on the phone, when I’m talking to animals or children, and when I’m excited.

I’m sure there are many more aspects to gender expression that can be explored. One of the other main ones that I have used is binding which I will discuss in a future post.

What are some ways you have played with your gender expression? Is this based on dysphoria or other aspects to your gender identity? Leave a comment below to share your experiences!

Why I Don’t Identify As Trans

Trans

The root word trans typically means across or change. As a queer identity it has two main meanings. The binary version is that a trans person identifies with the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth (still the way society interprets the label). The gender spectrum version is that they do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth (this is the definition that I use). None of these definitions really fit me as I still do identify with the gender I was assigned at birth but I also identify with other parts of the gender spectrum at the same time.

experience with a label is important

My experience with the trans label is primarily through my husband’s transition from female to male. This involved a change of name both socially and legally, a change of gender pronouns and legal gender marker, and various components of a medical transition. None of this applies to me or what my personal acceptance and exploration path looks like (at least not yet).

Trans is not the same as ‘not cis’

For me, Trans is a specific identity that covers many different types of experiences but not necessarily all identities that are not cis. Many people use it as an umbrella term to cover any identity that is not cis-gendered (their gender matches what they were assigned at birth). Technically I would fall under that umbrella term. But that is not how I define trans. I don’t see ‘trans’ and ‘cis’ as opposites. Someone else with an identity similar to mine is totally free to use the label trans if it suits them.

Presentation

Even though my presentation is often fairly masculine, I am socially read as female. If I used the label trans I would either be read as a pre-T trans guy or a trans woman (which is a label that is generally used by AMAB people who identify as female), neither of which applies to me and really just confuses the situation.

Me

My gender is both the same as what I was assigned at birth and includes a component that is different from what I was assigned at birth. My husband’s experience is very different from mine and I strongly associate the label ‘trans’ with his experience. Many people who are not cis have a feeling of being ‘not trans enough’ to earn the label or to ‘qualify’ to use the label trans. I too have to fight against the feeling of not being legitimate in my gender experience but since I do not have an affinity with the label ‘trans’ I can’t express it using the phrase ‘not trans enough’. I have found other labels I prefer which you can read about here.

 

What is your definition and experience of the label Trans? Is it a label you identify with? Have you struggled with other people assuming your identity is something other than what it is as a result of using the label Trans? If you don’t associate with the label Trans, what other labels do you use instead? Leave a comment below and share your experiences!

Interpersonal Dysphoria

After my husband decided to transition I slowly started picturing him the way he pictured himself: with a flat chest and facial hair. Seeing him with a female chest became uncomfortable. But I couldn’t really picture exactly what he would look like with a flat chest. So instead, this area of my mental image of him kind of blurred out.

In prep for his top surgery consult we had to take topless pictures for the surgeon and take measurements which was a very uncomfortable experience for both of us as neither of us pictured him with a female shaped chest at this point.

After surgery we went back to the clinic about a week later for removal of the bandages. It was a very interesting experience to see his chest flat for the first time. I was finally able to look at that part of his body and not have what I was seeing conflict with what he looked like in my head. Over time the blurry part where his chest was in my mental image cleared to match what his chest looks like now.

I have started describing this type of experience as Interpersonal Dysphoria. This is when your mental image of your friend/partner/family member has changed to match their newly affirmed gender but their physical body hasn’t changed yet.

Experiencing interpersonal dysphoria is a good sign!! It means you are ahead of the game and have adjusted your mental image to match your partner’s identity. But it still sucks because it makes you somewhat uncomfortable with how they look. If you never experience dysphoria for your own body this is as close as you are likely to come to knowing what it feels like.

The areas of their body that now seem ‘wrong’ to you are likely the areas that they experience dysphoria with. But making this assumption can cause problems. Are you comparing their body with a cis body of their ‘preferred’ gender? Or are you comparing their body to how they personally wish their body looked? These are two different scenarios. Comparing to a cis body can be dangerous because they may not have any problem with certain areas of their body. If you are comparing to a cis body you are assigning a gender to their body parts the same way society does which can lead to shame, disgust, and dysphoria or avoiding interacting with parts of their body that they are actually comfortable with.

To avoid this scenario you need to have open conversations with your person to learn how they feel about different parts of their body and why (or as open a conversation as is appropriate given your relationship to that person – coworker vs sibling vs partner). Give your partner room to think about these questions and change their mind at different times. Recognize that these conversations will cause a temporary increase in dysphoria just by having your partner focus on those body parts. You may want to break the conversation into small pieces and revisit it with recovery time in between. Build in self-care recovery time after each of these conversations for both of you.

If your person can articulate how they feel about their body and how they picture their ideal body that would match their identity, you should cultivate a mental image that matches. This will help you adjust to using a different name and different pronouns and help you unconsciously interact with them in more gender affirming ways.

If this person is your partner, this type of interpersonal dysphoria will also lead to changes in how you will be intimate with each other. If you haven’t already had conversations about what ways your partner is comfortable having you interact with their body and what they are comfortable doing with you, now is as good a time as any. Keep in mind this is a two-way street – the conversation should also include what you are comfortable doing with them and having them do to you.

As they explore their gender and gender expression and find ways to deal with dysphoria during intimacy and sex the boundaries of what each of you are comfortable with may overlap or not in various ways and may change over time. These are conversations that you should get used to having on a regular basis. I don’t want to go into full sex talk mode here so I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination. If these conversations are too difficult for you to have with your partner or your partner isn’t able or willing to engage with you in this discussion I recommend finding a couple’s therapist that is familiar with trans issues to help you out.

 

Have you experienced interpersonal dysphoria with your partner, friend, or family member? How did you navigate the conversations that needed to happen for you to know how they pictured their body? Leave a comment below with your experiences or questions!

My Physical vs Social Sense of Gender

My physical sense of my gender and my social sense of my gender fluctuate separately but can line up at times (here is my post about how I figured this out and tools I used to explore it). Here, I will describe what I mean by physical and social gender, what it feels like when my physical and social sense of gender match or differ in various places on the spectrum, and what strategies I use to manage dysphoria in each situation.

PHYSICAL GENDER

This is based on how comfortable I am in my  body as a female-assigned person. If my body feels completely right for me and I’m happy to show off my curves my physical gender is female. If I’m mildly uncomfortable with my curves but don’t necessarily feel like I should have a completely flat chest I’m closer to neutral. If I’m really uncomfortable and wouldn’t want to go out of the house without a binder on my physical gender is male. There are other physical aspects that play into this but shape and chest are the easiest to describe.

SOCIAL GENDER

This includes how various aspects of interacting with other people and being in public spaces feel such as pronouns, gendered language, bathrooms, social interactions, etc. What pronouns feel most comfortable on a given day is a big clue where my social gender sits (usually they/them but often she/her don’t bother me much). Often female gendered language (ma’am, ladies, girl) bothers me more than female pronouns but the days when I would prefer the equivalent male gendered terms are the days I’m likely socially male.

PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
  • Indicators:
    • Minimal dysphoria, physical or social
  • Effects:
    • Generally more at ease, more comfortable
    • More likely to socialize
    • Causes a feeling of invisibility or like I have to justify my queerness
  • Strategies:
    • Comfortable wearing name tag at work
    • Comfortable wearing bras and female clothes
    • Will make sure queer symbols are visible
    • Wear a piece of masculine jewelry to remind myself/express my masculine side but mostly female jewelry
    • hair up nice or down
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Enjoy the comfort
    • No amount of femininity invalidates my queer or genderqueer identity
PHYSICALLY FEMALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
  • Indicators:
    • Mild physical dysphoria but only when I’m putting on clothes to leave the house and picturing how people will see me
    • Internal cringes relating to female spaces or language
  • Effects:
    • Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
    • Strange feeling of needing to wear a binder even though I am perfectly fine with my body when I’m on my own
    • Frustration at how people can’t just know that I’m a guy in a female body and be fine with that
  • Strategies:
    • Wear tight sports bra or binder
    • Masculine presentation including hair, accessories, and clothing
    • ‘Forget’ to wear my name tag at work
    • Avoid gendered spaces/bathrooms
    • Minimize social interaction at work
    • Spend more time alone, in nature, with my husband, or with queer friends who refer to me as Ray and use they/them pronouns
    • Converse/interact in more masculine ways
  • Personal Reminders:
    • I’m a female-bodied man
    • Think of myself as Ray
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY FEMALE
  • Indicators:
    • Physical dysphoria even when I’m alone
    • Minimal discomfort with female pronouns or female spaces
  • Effects:
    • Want to feel masculine but interact in ways that appear feminine
    • Socially comfortable
    • Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
  • Strategies:
    • Avoid mirrors unless clothed
    • Wear binder, baggier clothes, and darker/more neutral colours especially for tops
    • Lift weights
    • Move and posture in masculine ways but interact and converse in more feminine ways
    • Comfortable wearing name tag
    • Avoid multitasking
    • Write down all new information so I don’t have to retain it
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Acknowledge that I am Ray on the inside even if I’m comfortable being Meaghan on the outside
    • I’m a masculine woman
PHYSICALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE, SOCIALLY NEUTRAL TO MALE
  • Indicators:
    • Physical and social dysphoria whether I’m alone or going out
  • Effects:
    • Want to be seen as male and feel physically male
    • Difficulty maintaining focus, learning new things, or remembering information due to the distraction of constant dysphoria
    • Discomfort in social situations leading to fast social burnout and lots of recovery time required
    • Strong feeling of invisibility
    • Lots of cringing with female language, pronouns, interactions, and spaces
  • Strategies:
    • Wear binder and masculine clothing and accessories
    • Don’t wear name tag
    • Avoid gendered spaces
    • Workout
    • Spend time with queer friends
    • Listen to trans podcasts/watch trans youtube videos
    • Use self-care toolkit and listen to self-care playlist
    • Talk to my husband/commiserate
  • Personal Reminders:
    • Today is just a male day
    • I know I’m Ray even if no-one else does

I grouped neutral and male together because I am AFAB so neutral feels the same as male but less intense because it is still towards the ‘male side’ of my physical and social baseline of female.

Do your physical sense of your gender and social sense of your gender fluctuate separately? Do you have similar or different experiences to the ones I describe above? What strategies do you use to manage social or physical dysphoria and make yourself more comfortable? Leave me a comment below!