Partner

My experiences of being a partner to someone who is transitioning

  • When You Get It Wrong: How to Correct Yourself and Others When it Comes to Trans Identities
    by Meaghan Ray
    WHEN YOU MISGENDER SOMEONE Even I, a nonbinary person with a trans husband, sometimes get people’s pronouns or preferred language wrong. Our brains are used to holding onto stereotypes and first impressions as shortcuts. It takes conscious effort to change how we perceive people and the language we are using for them. So, when someone you know comes out as trans or nonbinary, or simply asks you not to use certain language when referring to … Continue reading When You Get It Wrong: How to Correct Yourself and Others When it Comes to Trans Identities
  • Welcome! Who Are You and What Do You Need?
    by Meaghan Ray
    I have now been writing this blog for three years! I recently discovered that with all those posts, my blog was not very searchable (sorry about that!) I have fixed this somewhat but also wanted to provide a snapshot of what you might find here. Depending on your situation, identity, or what brought you here, you will be looking for different things. Scroll through the section titles in this post to find one that seems … Continue reading Welcome! Who Are You and What Do You Need?
  • How to Ask About Someone’s Gender
    by Meaghan Ray
    We always say that if you don’t know someone’s gender or pronouns, just ask. But how do you do that in a respectful way? As a stranger, we can use they/them pronouns and avoid gendered language for everyone we meet until they specify. But what if this is a new colleague or a friend of a friend? Or what if your partner or child just told you they are questioning their gender? The closer you … Continue reading How to Ask About Someone’s Gender
  • How to be a Trans Ally
    by Meaghan Ray
    ALLYSHIP 101 Being an ally for any minority takes more than being accepting of a friend or acquaintance from that identity. Not being a biggot is not the same thing as being an ally. Being an ally isn’t a perspective, a state of mind, or even a level of understanding. It requires ongoing action that at first can be a challenge but eventually becomes automatic. As someone who is part of a majority group, it … Continue reading How to be a Trans Ally
  • Prioritizing Together Time
    by Meaghan Ray
    Whether you are in a relationship or have a close friend or family member that you rely on for support, prioritizing time with them is especially important if you are questioning your gender or transitioning. Any exploration or change in our gender identity and presentation is a big change that very much affects the people around us. Close relationships only remain close if we keep communicating to understand how each person is changing and growing … Continue reading Prioritizing Together Time
  • Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice
    by Meaghan Ray
    Finding a balance between being a good support for the trans person in your life and your own mental health is extremely difficult. When do you follow their lead and put your own reservations and grief aside and when do you ask them to slow down to give you time to process the changes? The most important thing to take into account is safety – both psychological and physical. In general, the trans person will … Continue reading Being Supportive Without Self-Sacrifice
  • Lost and Found in Transition
    by Meaghan Ray
    LOST IN TRANSITION With any change comes a letting go of what was and a discovery of what could be. This is the process of grieving. It can be overwhelming. As changes go, gender transition is one of the biggest. Some losses are forever. Some are temporary. Some are hard. Some are easy. Straightforward medical care Access Fertility Familiarity Safety Security Global travel Friends Family Relationships Relatability Not everything you lose is negative. Some things … Continue reading Lost and Found in Transition
  • The Egocentricity of Dysphoria
    by Meaghan Ray
    Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming. Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but … Continue reading The Egocentricity of Dysphoria
  • What’s in a Name and How to Pick One
    by Meaghan Ray
    For many gender non-conforming and trans people, names are super important. Just like pronouns, names often have a specific gender attached to them. There are female names, male names, and gender neutral names. Often one of the first things that a trans person will do, after coming out to themselves and before coming out to their broader community, is to pick a new name. This name is considered their chosen name. Their previous name is … Continue reading What’s in a Name and How to Pick One
  • Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries
    by Meaghan Ray
    Sometimes those of us with experience and knowledge of trans related topics want to help educate those around us and sometimes we don’t. And that’s ok. You should never feel like you have to compromise your own mental health for the sake of addressing someone else’s ignorance. But how do you politely tell people to bugger off and educate themselves through other means? And when you are comfortable having some of those conversations, how do … Continue reading Educating Others Without Compromising Your Boundaries
  • How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person
    by Meaghan Ray
    Most of the people I talk to about my husband’s transition are open-minded and accepting but generally ignorant. They want to treat trans people respectfully but don’t know how. They want to learn more about my husband’s transition and my experience as his partner but don’t know how to ask the questions in a respectful way. So I thought I’d give you some suggestions or guidelines depending on your relationship with the trans person. STRANGERS … Continue reading How to be Respectful Towards a Trans Person
  • Dealing with Frustration
    by Meaghan Ray
    WHY FRUSTRATION? It feels like frustration has become my default setting. Frustration is a result of having a goal but having minimal progress towards that goal. It’s a feeling of stagnation, of constantly coming up against immovable barriers and being powerless to make a difference. The more important the goal is to you or the bigger the effect that the goal will have on your life, the more urgently you want it and the less … Continue reading Dealing with Frustration
  • Interpersonal Dysphoria
    by Meaghan Ray
    After my husband decided to transition I slowly started picturing him the way he pictured himself: with a flat chest and facial hair. Seeing him with a female chest became uncomfortable. But I couldn’t really picture exactly what he would look like with a flat chest. So instead, this area of my mental image of him kind of blurred out. In prep for his top surgery consult we had to take topless pictures for the … Continue reading Interpersonal Dysphoria
  • Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns
    by Meaghan Ray
    I recently went on a vacation with my husband where I was attending a conference and was able to pick the name and pronouns that would appear on my ID badge. My husband asked if I wanted to use my male name, Ray, and they/them pronouns as an experiment to see how it felt. After some thought and a couple of conversations with trusted friends I decided to go for it. My gender identity includes a female … Continue reading Experimenting with My Name and Pronouns
  • Finding Support
    by Meaghan Ray
    Whether you’re the one trying to figure out your gender or you partner is questioning theirs, you need a support system. This can come in many forms. Below are a few of the types of support I have found useful. I think of support as a two way street. Ways that you are participating, communicating with others, where they know who you are. I think of resources as something you look at where the person … Continue reading Finding Support
  • Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!
    by Meaghan Ray
    If your partner just told you they are trans or wondering if they are trans it means they trusted you enough and value your place in their life to share this huge part of themselves with you. If you are not sure what to do next, how to be supportive, or what this means for you you’ve come to the right place. I hope this post will help answer some of those questions. new relationship … Continue reading Help! My Partner Just Told Me They’re Trans!
  • Intersections of Gender and Sexual Orientation
    by Meaghan Ray
    When my husband transitioned I was asked a few times if that meant I was straight. I knew this would be a question people would have but it took me a while to understand why that question was coming up and why I felt so annoyed by it. I tried to explain to a few people why I still identified as gay with varying success. I realized that the underlying issue is that although sexual … Continue reading Intersections of Gender and Sexual Orientation
  • My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 3: Medical and Legal Transition)
    by Meaghan Ray
    The story began in Part 1: Exploration. The story continued in Part 2: Social Transition. And now, the conclusion. Where do we start? As soon as Jake knew he needed to transition we searched for any information about the medical process where we live. There was nothing online. The most reliable source of information came from Jake’s psychologist who is very involved with the trans community, including moderating a PFLAG group that we had been attending for … Continue reading My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 3: Medical and Legal Transition)
  • My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 2 – Social Transition)
    by Meaghan Ray
    The story began in Part 1 – Exploration. Coming out We started Jake’s coming out process with some preparation and planning, as usual. We made a list of the people he wanted to tell first starting with who would be easiest to tell and would likely be the most accepting. Telling them would hopefully give Jake the confidence and support he needed to tell the ones who’s acceptance would have a bigger impact and therefore, … Continue reading My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 2 – Social Transition)
  • My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 1 – Exploration)
    by Meaghan Ray
    initial reaction We were driving in the car together (the place a lot of our more intense conversations happen) and my husband turned to me and said something like “I’ve been wondering lately if my social anxiety and awkwardness might be gender related…”. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that and tried to clarify. The conversation progressed something like this: Jake: “What if this means I’m trans? What if I won’t be happy unless … Continue reading My Husband’s Transition – A Partner’s Perspective (Part 1 – Exploration)