Society – Page 3 – Purple and Green and the Life in Between

The Power of a Non-Binary Perspective

THE WORLD IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

I listen to a lot of podcasts and recently I listened to two different ones that seemed to be in conversation with each other. The first was an episode of Gender Stories by Alex Iantaffi released on April 12, 2020 called A non-binary approach in the COVID-19 pandemic: a conversation with Meg-John Barker. The second was an episode of Thoughts on Thoughts by Kristjana Reid, Jessica Miller, and Taylor Thomas released on June 8, 2020 called The Power of the Word “And”: Holding Conflicting Emotions Together. Both of these episodes were talking about how limiting, and potentially damaging, a black and white, either/or perspective can be.

There are many times in our lives when we are either personally experiencing a complex situation (such as parenting a difficult child) or are surrounded by one (such as a global pandemic). Often, we feel like there should be a right and wrong way to react to the situation, certain actions that we should take and others to avoid, ways we should feel that would, by the very nature of those feelings, prevent other ways of feeling. But if the situation is complex, why can’t our reaction to it also be complex?

THE NON-BINARY PERSPECTIVE

Here’s where the non-binary part comes in. Non-binary experiences and identities directly counteract the gender binary. Gender cannot possibly be composed of two boxes, male and female, that are seen as opposites of each other, if there are people who experience both of these genders, neither of these genders, or a third and completely different gender.

The non-binary perspective allows for a variety of experiences beyond the most obvious two (black and white, right and wrong) that we are usually presented with. It encourages us to consider both options as acceptable, or neither, or a third different option, or various options depending on the circumstances. It also encourages us to allow others to choose a different option, have a different reaction, or experience a situation differently from ourselves without judging that as incorrect, wrong, or harmful.

Now, the caveat is that, as I said, this helps us navigate complex situations with a more nuanced or open-minded approach. Some situations are not complex. Some situations clearly have a right and wrong reaction. So use your own judgement as to when this applies and when, perhaps, a stronger, more defined stance is required.

EXAMPLE 1: COVID-19 PANDEMIC

Here are a couple examples that came up in the podcast episodes (rephrased in my own words). The COVID-19 global pandemic has lead to many countries, local governments, and individuals reacting differently but very strongly based on very little information. It has lead to a lot of blaming and shaming, anxiety and isolation, but also creativity and ingenuity. This is one of those situations where, maybe, different reactions are acceptable depending on the situation at the time, in that place, or for that individual.

There are a lot of black-and-white seeming questions. Should we wear a mask or not? If we’re wearing masks, do we still need to stay 6 feet apart or not? Should we be disinfecting everything that comes into our houses or not? The scientific answers have been slow to keep up with the social necessity of answering these questions so everyone has had to decide for themselves what is best.

The non-binary perspective allows space for a variety of responses to these questions without shame, blame, or guilt. It allows for the freedom to change your response depending on the situation or what information you have.

Note: if you are looking for a source of scientific answers to these and other questions related to the COVID-19 pandemic, I recommend the podcast Science Vs from Gimlet. It is scientifically founded with a citation list for each episode and entertaining to listen to.

EXAMPLE 2: CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

The second example that stuck with me was dealing with conflicting emotions experienced during the postpartum period or with the death of a loved one. As I am into the third trimester of pregnancy at the time of writing this and my grandmother recently passed, I found these examples particularly relevant. I actually wrote a post along these lines about my experiences during pregnancy before I heard this podcast episode (Grief and Gratitude).

When we experience conflicting emotions we often put the word ‘but’ between them. ‘I love my baby but I’m so exhausted I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone but I’m glad she’s now at peace’. In the podcast episode of Thoughts on Thoughts, they talk about how the word but diminishes or negates everything that came before it. It suggests that we have to choose between those two experiences, that we can’t possibly experience them simultaneously or in equal amounts, and the one that we say after the but is taking precedence.

Instead, they suggest trying to use the word ‘and’. ‘I love my baby and I’m so exhausted that I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone and I’m glad she’s now at peace’. How does the change in these phrases sound to you? For me, this re-framing was powerful. It suggests that we are allowed to feel both of the emotions equally. It now sounds like the second part that before was negating the first, is now resulting from it, that they are tied together, intrinsically linked. This, for me, is a much more truthful presentation of how conflicting emotions feel.

So, next time you are expressing conflicting emotions, try to listen for that word ‘but’ and change it to ‘and’. Just like gender isn’t either/or, male or female, neither are emotions. You can be experiencing both at once, or even more than two, without any of them negating or diminishing the others.

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My Body, My Identity, My Experiences

Lately, I have struggled to feel excited and comfortable with the idea and experience of being pregnant. I have felt like the more visibly pregnant I get, the more invisible my nonbinary identity becomes, both to myself and others.

Recently, someone in one of the online groups I am a part of stated something similar to what I have written below and it resonated a lot with me. I wanted to put these thoughts into words so I can remind myself of them as often as I need to in the upcoming months. Hopefully they will resonate with others as well.

I identify as nonbinary. Regardless of how society views me, I am the only one who gets to decide how I identify.

My body is my own. It is the body of a nonbinary person. Regardless of how society views my body, this means my body is a nonbinary body.

For me, the experience of being pregnant and gestating a child, something that my nonbinary body is able to do, is a nonbinary experience. I cannot separate these experiences from my own identity, nor should I have to.

For most people, being pregnant is a female experience because they are female. But for me, it is a nonbinary experience. For a trans man, it would be a male experience. Not all people who get pregnant are women and the ability to get pregnant is not required in order to be considered a woman.

If everything goes well, I will get to be a parent, a mother. For me, parenting will be a nonbinary experience. All the aspects of parenting that are typically associated with motherhood will be nonbinary experiences. Motherhood will be a nonbinary experience.

My ability to have these experiences does not diminish or negate my identity as a nonbinary person. Nor should my ability to have these experiences as a nonbinary person diminish anyone else’s identity as a woman.

No matter what society tells me, and even if all the people around me that relate to these experiences are women, my body is nonbinary because I am nonbinary, and therefore, my pregnancy is a nonbinary experience.

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Gay vs Trans

There are lots of ways that being gay and trans are similar but there are also a lot of differences. I have found that when I initially start talking about gender with someone new who has minimal queer literacy, they often get confused between sexuality and gender and conflate being trans with being gay.

Below are a lists of similarities and differences between being gay and being trans based on my experiences of being gay and non-binary and my husband’s experiences of being gay and trans. We both identified as gay first, and later discovered and expressed our non-cis gender identities.

SIMILARITIES

Incorrectly assumed to be the default (cis or straight)
Living with confusion and feeling like you don’t fit in before you know why
Have to figure out your identity
Have to ‘come out of the closet’ ie tell other people
Dealing with fear of rejection, prejudice, loss of housing or work as a result of coming out
Excitement and comfort of finding people that have the same/similar identity/experiences as you
Culture, experiences, and history specific to queer community
Lots of different terminology, language, and labels
Different interaction with people in your community than people outside of it
Risk to physical and psychological safety by living authentically
Pride parades, pride month, pride flags and symbols
Being labeled by strangers (often incorrectly) based on how you look or who you’re with
Often become parents via alternative fertility methods, surrogacy, or adoption
Prejudice in health care and legal systems (significantly worse for trans identities but present for both)
Lack of appropriate/relevant sex education

DIFFERENCES

Who you like vs who you are ie sexuality vs gender
Gender based experiences and identities are much less understood and accepted by the general public than sexuality based ones (though this wasn’t always the case and we hope to get to the same place with acceptance of gender identities)
- Significant energy has to be put towards educating the people around you when you come out as trans that isn’t necessary when coming out as gay
Coming out as gay requires the other person to change how they refer to your partner (if you have one) whereas coming out as trans requires them to change how they refer to you (which takes a lot more work on their part)
Dysphoria with trans identities that doesn’t relate to gay identities
Possibility of medical intervention and changes to legal documents with transition
Difficulty accessing appropriate/competent medical care as a trans person when it wasn’t a problem as a gay person
Gay community is readily available and easy to find while trans community is much smaller and harder to find
Extreme shift in privilege with transition that is much less pronounced with coming out as gay
Most trans people pick a new name, gay people don’t

If you have anything you’d like to add to these lists, leave me a comment below!

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It’s All About Bathrooms

BATHROOMS ARE A BIG ISSUE

The bathroom debate has gotten a lot of media attention lately. Should trans people be forced to use the bathroom that relates to their sex assigned at birth or be free to use the bathroom they are most comfortable with?

I don’t want to go too much into the political debate but I can’t leave it be without making a couple key points: How exactly would this be enforced? With a DNA sample at the bathroom door? Who is this designed to protect? Because the highest risk group of people in bathrooms are trans women. And the most common offenders are cis men. In the women’s bathroom. Attacking women who are using their own bathroom.

Ok. That’s all I’ll say about that. I promise.

The reasons why bathrooms are a big issue for me are:

The physical safety risk of having to use a bathroom that I don’t appear to belong in (either men’s or women’s),
The psychological safety risk of having to misgender myself in order to use the bathroom,
Or the medical risk or choosing to avoid the first two by not using the bathroom when I really need to (which can lead to urinary tract infections, kidney infections, bladder dysfunction, or even bladder rupture).

DYSPHORIA AND BATHROOMS

Using either binary public washroom can cause trans people increased dysphoria for a number of reasons. The most obvious is by misgendering themselves in order to stay safe while using the bathroom. Then there are the mirrors, the access/lack of access to appropriate receptacles for tampons and pads, the feeling of being clocked (identified as trans by strangers) for choosing to use a stall in a men’s room when they are only peeing, and even the difference in how it sounds to pee with various types of plumbing.

Yes, trans people are going to be more sensitive to these things than the cis strangers using the bathroom with them but these are all things that run through a trans person’s head that they have to spend energy to ignore or recover from after the fact.

ALL THE DIFFERENT OPTIONS

Multi-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

As an AFAB person who is not on testosterone and who has not had top surgery, I will almost never choose to use a men’s multi-use bathroom for safety reasons, no matter how masculine presenting or male I feel.

If multi-use binary bathrooms are the only option (as they usually are), I will usually choose the women’s washroom which often means I am misgendering myself in order to pee in a safe place. Some days, the impact that has on my mental health is not worth it and I will wait longer than I should to use the bathroom (see health risks discussed above).

I would love to hear what other people choose as their default, especially an AMAB non-binary person or a transwoman (please leave a comment below!)

Single-Use Binary-Gendered Bathrooms

Why do these even exist? I mean really. People who want to pee standing up can pee into a toilet just fine. People who want to sit down can ignore the urinal and use the toilet. We wouldn’t have to wait for the ‘correct’ washroom to be available and no-one would have to put themself at risk in order to use the washroom. These need to be made illegal.

Multi-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

I have encountered one of these. It was an interesting experience. Coming out of a stall to see a man standing at the urinal and having him surprised to see me just as a feminine presenting woman walks in was definitely a new experience. It felt odd, mildly shocking, but mostly just interesting. And it was definitely inclusive. No one was in the way of anyone else or overtly making anyone feel uncomfortable. But I’m not sure this is the best option for the sake of protecting women from being attacked in bathrooms. I do not know enough about the stats on that to comment specifically but that is what makes me the most nervous about this option.

Single-Use Multi-Gendered Bathrooms

This is clearly the ideal. It is not very effective for saving space but definitely the most inclusive and safe. I am lucky to work in a place where this is the default type of washroom. When I see these in an airport or other public building it is fantastic. When I have to go hunting for one that I know is somewhere in the building it is less ideal but still good that it exists.

These are so optimal that I automatically keep track where the closest one that I know of is when I am out in public. If I know that a cafe across the street or a block down has these bathrooms, I will take the extra steps to use it rather than putting myself at risk by using the male or female washroom in the building I am already in.

Family/Accessibility Single-Use Bathrooms (multi-gender by default/omission)

I have a hard time allowing myself to use these washrooms. There is a lot of social stigma around a single person who appears able-bodied using a family or accessibility washroom. So of course, I have internalized that stigma. I often do not feel I have the right to use that space, even when there is no other gender inclusive option. I am trying to combat that internal voice, especially on days when I have significant dysphoria and do not have the emotional reserve to misgender myself just to use the washroom, but it is always an internal fight.

If you are someone who requires the accessible washroom, what do you think of this situation? Please leave a comment below with your thoughts.

BATHROOM MATH

As a non-binary person, I am constantly doing math to decide which bathroom to use or whether to use a bathroom at all. Things that factor into these equations are: Who is around? How badly do I have to go? When is the next time I will likely have access to a bathroom? Is there a gender inclusive bathroom close enough to make it worth the trip? What does my gender feel like? How much emotional impact will there be for me to use the women’s washroom? Do I have a friend who can go with me for safety if I would prefer the men’s washroom?

As you can see, this can be a pretty exhausting process, just to decide whether or not to go to the bathroom.

A FEW WORDS ON SIGNAGE

Why do bathrooms have to be represented by signs that indicate overtly gendered people? How does this represent a bathroom at all? Why not just a bathroom sign? And if they have to be gendered, why not a male symbol (circle with arrow) and a female symbol (circle with plus sign)? The quintessential bathroom people perpetuate gendered clothing and presentation as well as being inaccurate representations for a washroom.

Gender neutral signs that are male|female are okay but still based on binary gender and not necessarily inclusive.

While aliens, mermaids, and other mythical creatures are cute, they can feel like they are equating any gender outside the binary to being akin to being an alien or being mythical ie that it doesn’t actually exist or is not within the realm of human experiences. Clearly problematic.

‘Washroom,’ ‘All-Gender Washroom,’ or simply a toilet and/or urinal symbol would be ideal. This could include a wheelchair to represent accessibility if it is accessible (we will leave the discussion about how a wheelchair is also not inclusive signage for accessibility to another day).

Problematic Signage

Better Signage

If you are trans or non-binary, what are your experiences using public bathrooms?

If you are someone who needs to use the accessible washroom, how do you feel about able-bodied non-binary or trans people sharing this space?

Please leave a comment below with your thoughts!

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November 20: Trans Day of Remembrance

Trans Day of Remembrance is held on November 20th every year. It is a day to remember all the people locally, nationally, and internationally who have been killed by transphobic violence in the past year. The vast majority of people killed are trans women of colour. Memorial services are held where the names are read off and a moment of silence is observed for each.

Trans Day of Remembrance is a hard day for me even though I have not personally known anyone who has been murdered due to transphobic violence. I am extremely lucky to live in a place that is not represented on the table below. No murders of trans people were reported in my city, province, or country in the last year. It is hard because it still happens in many places around the world and may very well have occurred closer to home but have gone unreported. The majority of my fears for my husband during his transition, and for myself, stem from this type of violence.

My heart is heavy on November 20th and a few days before and after. I have attended a memorial service in the past but it is too hard for me to do that these days. I try to spend some time with trans people or good, aware allies on November 20th. And especially, I try to spend time with my husband.

I have lots of community on social media but, while it’s nice to see that other people have similar feelings around this day, the support from a distance that social media provides doesn’t help ease the heaviness or fear. For that I would need support in person.

Most people in my life do not know that Trans Day of Remembrance is observed and don’t understand why it is necessary. If I mention it in an effort to explain why I’m having a difficult week I often have to go into an explanation of why it is important and why it affects me so strongly. By that point I have expended the minimal energy I had, made myself feel more vulnerable than I already did, and brought all the fear and sadness to the forefront.

While it is important to me to spread the word and educate people on the very real danger that trans people face, this does not help me get the support that would be helpful. I am lucky that I had one person at work who, when I walked in on Nov 20th, gave her a hug and said ‘November 20th is always a hard day’, understood immediately and offered to spend lunch together. That was huge.

To anyone who considers themself a trans ally: make note of November 20th on your calendar. Read about Trans Day of Remembrance. Attend a memorial service in your area. If you have someone in your life who is trans or is closely connected to a trans person, give them a hug and express your support, protection, and love on that day or the days around it. The huge impact of these small acts cannot be overstated.

Please take a look at the summary table below.

Oct 2018 to Sept 2019 Summary of Murders of Trans and Gender Diverse People Internationally (331)Download

Here are a few links to other articles and websites.

https://transrespect.org/en/tmm-update-trans-day-of-remembrance-2019/

http://www.westcoastleaf.org/2019/11/20/trans-day-of-remembrance-2019/

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2019/11/20/transgender-day-remembrance-muhlaysia-booker-cathalina-christina-james-equality/4005866002/

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/transgender-day-remembrance-least-22-trans-people-killed-2019-n1086521

https://tdor.tgeu.org/

Explaining Dysphoria to Cis People

Explaining what dysphoria feels like to cis people is always difficult. In order to try to understand they relate it to their own experiences of discomfort with body image or not fitting the stereotypes for their gender. While these experiences are generally in the right ballpark, they are still not the same as dysphoria.

Here are some of the phrases I have found that help:

Wearing an ill-fitting piece of clothing that you can’t take off
Constantly having an itch that you can’t scratch or that gets worse when you try
Having pins and needles that range from annoying to distracting to uncomfortable to painful
Not recognizing yourself when you look in the mirror
Feeling queasy when you see/touch/pay attention to a particular area of your body
Feeling like a part of your body does not really belong to you
Feeling like ants are crawling all over your skin
Feeling like you want to peel your skin off

When trying to describe the impact of dysphoria:

Constantly having part of your mind focused on something uncomfortable that is out of your control
Feeling like you’ve been pinched every time you are misgendered by someone who doesn’t know any better (someone who you are not out to)
Feeling like you’ve been punched every time you are misgendered by someone who you’ve told to use other pronouns
Feeling invisible or like the only parts of you that people see are the ones that don’t feel right to you
Feeling like you have to pull yourself inwards so that you take up even less space than your physical body does
Wishing you could escape your body or other people’s view of you for a few minutes, or an hour, or a day
Causing you to hyper-focus on the areas of your body that do not fit with your gender identity/are the cause of other’s misgendering you
Obsessing over ways to alleviate the dysphoria either temporarily or permanently

It can be very difficult to understand an experience that you yourself have never had and likely will never have. But the important thing to remember is you don’t need to fully understand it to believe that what the person is describing is true to their experience or respect their identity by using their correct name and pronouns.

We often need help to fight the thoughts that arise from dysphoria. This does not mean we need someone to tell us that our body is fine, that they don’t think of us as ‘a girl’ or ‘a boy’, or that we shouldn’t feel the need to make permanent changes. The fact often is that our body or the way we are addressed socially DOES feel wrong and we do want to make changes. What we don’t need to be thinking is that we are somehow lesser or incomplete or unworthy of love because we don’t fit with society’s expectations of our gender.

The most harmful effects of dysphoria are the thoughts that we are wrong or broken or gross or incomplete and that the only way to fix ourselves or find love (either from ourselves or others) is to conform to society’s expectations. What we need is the space to figure out and pursue the treatment and support we need to change or adjust our bodies and the way we are addressed in society to diminish the dysphoria and feel as much congruity as possible.

I hope this helps you find the words you need to explain dysphoria to the cis people in your life or, if you are a cis person, helps you understand the experiences of the trans people in your life.

What phrases have you found that help you describe dysphoria to cis people? Leave me a comment below and I will add them to the list above!

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Passing as Nonbinary

‘Passing’ refers to blending in with societies norms and expectations for your gender. This includes presentation (clothes, facial and body hair, accessories, makeup, etc), voice, roles/interests, and mannerisms. The expectations for a specific gender will be different in different cultures and at different times in history but they are always present.

Not everyone wants to pass. However, it is often easier to get by in life, not to mention safer, if you do pass. Some trans people feel tremendous pressure to pass both from society at large and from within the community and feel that if they don’t pass they are failing as a trans person or that their preferred gender isn’t as valid.

It is an unfortunate reality that people who don’t ‘pass’ as well, whether due to genetics or the stage of transition they are in, often have a harder time getting people to use the correct name and pronouns and take their identity seriously. They experience more stigma, more confusion, and have to stand up for themselves a lot more often.

So what about non-binary people? The concept of passing requires the society we live in to have a specific set of expectations for a particular gender. But what if they don’t even recognize that gender? When it comes to non-binary people, they don’t have expectations. Not because it’s such a big category (which it is) but because people in general don’t walk down the street and identify strangers as non-binary the way they do when they see a stranger and think ‘man’ or ‘woman’.

In my experience, this means that non-binary people get grouped in with the binary gender that they most closely fit the expectations for. Depending on how they present and interact, they could be identified as male or female in different situations or on different days. Or they might be consistently gendered one way or the other. Regardless, there is rarely a time when a stranger will automatically gender someone as ‘unknown’ or ‘neutral’ or ‘non-binary’ until explicitly told. And even then, it is still difficult to get people to recognize and respect non-binary identities.

So does the concept of passing not even apply to non-binary people? Maybe. Or maybe there is a different way to look at it. Maybe ‘passing’ for non-binary people is getting an equal amount of time being gendered as female and male (or whatever proportion feels right for you). Maybe it’s getting confused looks and making people second guess themselves or stumble over their pronouns and honorifics.

This means that, while passing for binary trans people is safer than not passing, passing as non-binary will actually be less safe and potentially cause the person to experience more stigma than if they are a non-binary person who passes as one of the binary genders (and has difficulty getting recognized as non-binary). Being constantly gendered one way might be more uncomfortable and less authentic but it would be safer.

I will likely be gendered as female my whole life which will be a continual struggle. The times when I get gendered as male feel surprising and amazing. The times when I make people confused about my gender and how to refer to me make me feel authentic and uncomfortable. Maybe I will get used to their discomfort with my identity and let go of the need to solve it for them. Regardless, it is a strange mix of experiences. Especially when compared to the consistently positive emotions that my husband experienced as testosterone took effect and he started passing much better as male.

For me, passing just isn’t a concept that relates to my experience as a non-binary or genderqueer person. It is a concept that I witnessed through my husband’s experience and a concept I understand thoroughly, but not one that seems to hold any meaning for my own identity or place in the world.

Until society builds a concept of what a non-binary person is (beyond the narrow AFAB skinny white androgynous aesthetic that the queer community leans towards), there is nothing to compare myself to in order to ‘pass’ as non-binary. Regardless, I prefer to be myself, wear what makes me comfortable, and blend in when I need to for safety or mental health. I refuse to feel guilty or less valid as a non-binary person simply because I pass as female (whether I want to or not).

What is your experience with passing? What does ‘passing’ mean to you? Leave me a comment below with your experiences. I’d love to hear from you.

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Gender Presentation and Social Attention

Dressing for Yourself

Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to wear and you go ahead and wear it no matter what other people will think because it makes you feel good. Sometimes, you have to try on five different things before you find something that is comfortable. Sometimes, part of that struggle is the voice in your head warning you what other people will think or say or do if you wear what you want. Sometimes, the only place you get to wear what you want is in your own house. So you do. Sometimes, the need to keep ourselves safe is more important. But sometimes, you get to wear exactly what makes you feel your best and that is an amazing feeling.

Dressing Consistently

No matter how conservative or wild your style, keeping it consistent can help people that you see on a regular basis adjust to a new look or help people that are new in your life get a feel for who you are and what to expect. This is great if your gender is consistent and the clothes that make you feel good are similar day to day. Even if your gender fluctuates somewhat, you can keep your general style consistently somewhere in the middle of where your gender sits and play around with the style of more subtle things like jewelry, socks, undergarments, jackets, belts, shoes, and bags.

Dressing Differently Day to Day

What if your gender switches or fluctuates wildly day to day? In order to keep yourself comfortable and decrease dysphoria while increasing euphoria, you may end up dressing differently day to day. Strangers that you meet at the grocery store or on the bus won’t know the difference. People close to you who understand who you are will use your presentation as a signal of how to refer to you and interact with you in an affirming way. It’s the acquaintances that might be thrown off a bit. The coworkers, extended family, more distant friends, and others that you interact with on a repeating, semi-regular basis but who don’t know you well enough to know the whole story.

Dressing Differently After Transition

It can feel like a shock to those around you if your style changes dramatically after transition. Sometimes, this is what you want. You want to make it clear to people that the new name and pronouns are for real and make it obvious which one you expect them to use. Besides, you haven’t been able to wear what you really wanted to until now and suddenly you can! Sometimes, we can take this to the extreme initially after coming out and eventually back off and find our own, less extreme style.

Sometimes, you can sneak up to this change in style before coming out or slowly adjust your look after transition. A slower shift in style will bring less attention to you which can feel less threatening when you already feel like everyone is talking about you.

Dressing to Blend In

Sometimes we want to look like everyone else in a particular environment. Whether at work or at a baby shower, sometimes drawing less attention to ourselves by wearing something we feel slightly uncomfortable in is easier to deal with than the stares, whispers, comments, and self-consciousness. Sometimes, blending in is self-protective, either emotionally or physically.

Sometimes, being able to blend in as our true gender is all we’ve ever wanted. And that’s okay too. If the style that makes you comfortable is also one that blends in, that’s the best of both worlds. As long as it doesn’t feel like you have lost a part of your identity and visibility that you didn’t want to give up.

Dressing to Stand Out

Sometimes, we want the attention that dressing flamboyantly or differently will bring. We want people to see us for who we are. We want to showcase the parts of our identity that people tend to ignore to make themselves more comfortable. Sometimes, we don’t want people to feel comfortable. We want to shake things up, make a statement, be seen. This can be as simple as wearing nail polish and dangling earrings with your typical masculine business casual outfit to work or as dramatic as a sequined one-piece suit, brilliant makeup, a tutu, and four inch platform heels to the grocery store.

What types of attention have you gotten for dressing differently? How did your look change after transition? Do you usually dress for yourself or for a specific effect on others? Do you dress to blend in or stand out? Leave a comment or a picture of your favourite look below!

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Why Labels Matter

I have often heard complaints about why people (usually queer people) feel the need to label themselves, or why there are so many different labels, or how labels are so restrictive, and how its unnecessary to put yourself in a box. Usually, the people making these statements are cisgendered and straight. They have never struggled with having to figure out a part of their identity, find a way to explain it to others, and find a way to connect with a community.

Labels help me understand myself. For me, this is the most important reason that labels exist. Labels and their definitions provide me with language to say ‘yes, that is how I feel’ or ‘no, that is not how I feel’. Without this language, I might have a vague sense that my experience of the world is not the same as the people around be but be unable to figure out why, how, and what to do about it.

Sometimes, labels are the only thing we have control over. Sometimes, this sense of knowing who we are is all we have. There are times when it is unsafe to come out or we don’t have access to a community. Or times when we don’t have access to gender affirming clothing, medications, or surgery. Labels are the only way we can express our gender or identity and feel seen.

Labels are a communication tool to help others understand my identity. I know that not everyone will have the same definition or understanding of a label as I do so I try to use a label they are most likely to understand or have a conversation about what that label means for me. Without labels and their definitions I would only ever be defined by what people assumed my identity to be. When a large part of who I am and how I navigate the world is invisible, being able to communicate my identity to others is very important.

Labels are words that represent abstract concepts, not concrete ones. Everyone will have a slightly different understanding and experience of a given label. For me, this is part of the magic of labels and what makes them interesting and valuable. But some people use their own understanding of a label to define others. This is when labels can become damaging or restrictive.

Each label I use is a facet of who I am that all fit together to form the whole of my person and identity. Labels should not be boxes. You cannot define what something is no by stating what it is. For example, if I define the word trunk as the solid, central stem of a tree, that does not mean that the word trunk cannot mean anything else, or that a tree is solely made up of a trunk.

Labels should be seen as fluctuating and fluid, not fixed. Labels represent part of our identity. Identity, by the very nature of being a human, is fluid over time. Identity changes as we change. Expecting labels to be fixed is equivalent to saying that identities are fixed, that they won’t change over time as we change and as society changes around us.

Labels should not be performative or restrictive. Just because you identify with a label does not mean you should be expected to present or act a certain way as a result. However, society is not very good at following this. So it is completely acceptable to keep a label to yourself or alter your presentation to fit a label in order to keep yourself safe or access care that you need. I just hope that you do not lose parts of who you are in the process.

Labels allow you to connect with other people who share similar experiences and identities. I can understand how people who have never felt like they don’t fit in mainstream culture would not understand the need to use labels to define yourself and your experience of the world in order to find community. I just wish everyone could allow each other to use labels, or not, as they wish, and approach labels that are new to them with curiosity rather than skepticism.

What is your experience with labels? Do you find them useful or restrictive? Have you had experiences where you were treated differently as a result of a label you used? Tell me about it in the comments!

Queer Wedding Ideas

When Jake and I got married, we both identified as women (this was pre gender exploration for both of us). We made some adjustments to the ceremony so it didn’t feel so heternonormative. Since then, I have participated in, and seen pictures and descriptions of, many different gay, queer, and gender non-conforming (GNC) weddings. Here are a few of the ideas I’ve collected:

Switch Sides. If there is a more masculine presenting person and a more feminine presenting person, stand on the opposite side from the norm of man on the right and woman on the left (from the audience perspective).
Who Enters First. Typically, the man starts the ceremony at the front or walks in first. So instead, have the more feminine person walk in first or have both of you walk in at the same time up parallel aisles instead of having one central aisle.
Wear Whatever You Want! Don’t feel confined to one person wearing a dress and the other wearing a suit. Either person can wear whatever they want! Similarly, don’t confine your wedding party to a suit for the men and a dress for the women. Either allow them to choose or offer a midway option of a blouse and suit pants or a skirt with a shirt, vest, and tie.
Mixed Wedding Parties. Don’t limit yourself to female assigned/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘bride’ and male assign/identified/presenting people standing with the ‘groom’. Pick the people that are most important in your life to stand with you regardless of gender or presentation. That’s why they’re there, isn’t it?
Colours! Base your colour theme off a queer flag that has meaning to both of you. Include rainbows, or trans colours, or purple and green (as we did, kind of by accident). You can also use rainbows or meaningful colour combinations as highlights such as having a rainbow rose in the table centers.
Include Your Community. Community is hugely important for queer people and often serves as a chosen family. Include your community in your special day with a ring warming, readings from different people either during the ceremony or at the reception, or a modified sand ceremony where everyone adds a pinch of sand on the way in and those jars are mixed together by the couple. There are so many options! You can pick one that someone else created or make your own!
Location and Ceremony. If you and your partner are religious, you can absolutely have a queer wedding in your place of worship. But many queer people have had difficult experiences with organized religion and may feel uncomfortable within these spaces and with the religious basis of the ceremony. So consider choosing an outdoor location or a non-religious location that is meaningful to you. Likewise, there are some aspects of the ceremony that are required to be legally binding but some are optional. Definitely talk to your officiant about ways to make the ceremony personal and, of course, queer.
Language. Weddings are full of heteronormative and binary language. Be open about what language each of you is comfortable with and make sure that your officiant and wedding parties are on board. Consider having a wedding website that includes an explanation of the terminology you will be using. This is also an easy way to specify pronouns and names of people in the wedding party or important family members.
Identity Pins or Stickers. Have pronoun pins/stickers available for people to wear as a lapel pin if they wish. Weddings bring together family and friends, many of whom will never have met and may come from very different social backgrounds. This can be a way for the queer people participating in or attending the wedding to feel more comfortable.

That’s it for now! If you had a queer wedding or have attended a queer wedding, what strategies did you use? Leave them in the comments below and I will add them to the list!