Category: Personal

My own gender identity and exploration process

Misgendering is More Than Name and Pronouns

The most basic way to respect a trans person is by using their preferred name and pronouns whenever and wherever they have requested you do so. But there is much more to respecting someone’s gender than simply using the correct name and pronouns.

Most of the time, when we are talking directly to someone, we don’t use their name and pronouns. It’s only when we refer to them in third person or talk about something that happened in the past, and often this is when the person isn’t present. But there are other gendered terms that we often use directly to a person or a group of people that can either be damaging or affirming. This includes ladies, gentlemen, ma’am, sir, girl, dude, bro, etc.

In general, it is a good idea to avoid gendered language as much as possible. You cannot assume someone’s gender based on how they look, what they were assigned at birth, or what someone else may have told you. So using gender neutral or inclusive language is a good habit to get into.

As someone who works in a female dominated work environment, I hear these terms a lot. It is more likely that I will be hanging out with a woman. This makes it particularly easy for people to say ‘hey ladies’ or ‘thanks ladies’.

For me, having people use my birth name and she/her pronouns when I’m feeling more neutral or male is not nearly as uncomfortable as hearing other types of gendered language. The words that are the most uncomfortable when applied to me are things like girl, ladies, and ma’am.

Despite being genderfluid, there are no days that those specifically female terms feel good to me. Conversely, male-gendered language almost always feels good to me. At the same time, female pronouns generally feel ok where male pronouns would feel weird. So if I use female pronouns and all other gendered terms are male, it would be a way that both aspects of my gender could be recognized without changing my name and pronouns.

Since they/them pronouns feel good 100% of the time, that would be ideal. But I recognize that using they/them is difficult for many people and impossible as an expectation for strangers. So instead, I’ve been asking people to focus on avoiding the rest of the female gendered language that they typically would use.

So far, those conversations have been going well. I provide them with alternatives such as folks, friend, guys, everyone, or even some more masculine terms such as bro, dude, man, etc. When they slip up, I find it much easier to correct this type of gendered language than name and pronouns (at times when I’ve specified other ones). And since it feels consistently worse to hear those terms, I feel like I am having a much stronger impact on my day to day comfort with this strategy.

Does being misgendered by gendered language feel different to you than being misgedered by your name and pronouns? Did people have an easier time with adjusting these other terms or using a different name and pronouns after you came out? Let me know in the comments below!

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Name Options

Picking a new name is a quintessential part of gender transition. But not every trans person feels the need to change their name. Some are perfectly comfortable with their given name. Some have more than one name and use different ones depending on how they feel or who they’re with. This is my experience.

Meaghan

Meaghan is my given name and is not particularly gender neutral. But this doesn’t automatically mean I am uncomfortable with it. Most of the time, it feels like this name fits me. Even if I’m feeling more male, Meaghan still feels like it represents at least half of who I am so it doesn’t particularly feel wrong, just not wholly representative.

Ray

Ray is the name that I have always associated with the male part of my identity. At times when I am feeling more male than female, this name feels better than Meaghan. However, as a gender fluid person, there are many times when Ray would not feel comfortable so at the moment, legally or socially changing my name to Ray does not feel like a good option.

Meaghan Ray

This is my most preferred version of my name. I think of my name as being both Meaghan and Ray, almost as though it was hyphenated. I am considering changing my middle name to Ray so that it would appear this way on my documents. I have tried introducing myself using both names but everyone either thinks Ray is my last name and just uses Meaghan or just shortens it for ease unless I take the time to correct them or specify that I go by both names. But I am getting better at making it clear how I want to be referred to. And just knowing in my head that this name represents the whole of who I am, and especially knowing that this is how my husband thinks of me, is hugely helpful.

Meaghan With Occasional Ray

This is where I’m at right now. I typically go by Meaghan but use Ray in certain circles (ie with queer friends). The times when I get to use Ray are a breath of fresh air. They help me feel balanced. They help me feel seen. At times when I feel more male but I’m being called Meaghan, I can look forward to the next time I’ll be around friends who call me Ray.

Gender Neutral Alternative

For a while, I searched for either a way to combine Meaghan and Ray into a new name that was gender neutral or find a completely different name that would feel good more consistently than either one. But the more I searched, the more confident I became that these names are who I am. There are two separate parts of me and having two different names makes sense. Sure, navigating how I want to be identified is harder and more confusing for everyone around me but this is who I am. As I spend more time exploring my identity and building confidence, I get better and better at asking people to use the name that feels best at the time and correcting them when they get it wrong, just like with pronouns.

Just because you are trans does not mean you have to change your name. You can keep the one you were born with, use a different one occasionally, or combine two names if that feels best. If you are someone that feels perfectly content with your name even though you are not comfortable with your gender assigned at birth, this does not invalidate your identity or experience. I hope that sharing my experience with my names has helped give you more confidence with yours.

Please leave a comment below with your experience with names. Did you change yours, add a new part to it, or stick with the same one? I’d love to hear from you.

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The Egocentricity of Dysphoria

Having dysphoria can be an all-consuming experience. Especially when it first starts, when you first identify it as dysphoria, or when it shifts. If the dysphoria is stable over a longer period of time, it is somewhat easier to ignore and manage but even then, there are days when it is all-consuming.

Dysphoria causes obsession about little things that no one else would care about. You might brush off their concern or minimize it but this doesn’t give them the validation they need and can result in more obsessing.

Dysphoria can make it difficult to communicate their identity, needs, and wishes to others in a way that will be understood. It is so all-consuming that it makes it difficult to step out of their current experience and see things from another person’s perspective. So they end up using language that other people don’t understand or skipping over basic concepts that others haven’t grasped yet. This leads to more confusion and frustration and leaves them with even less energy and motivation to try to communicate the next time.

Because of the level of obsession on new areas of their body and new behaviours, it can seem like there has been a big change in their personality with the onset of dysphoria. This isn’t necessarily true, it’s just that the dysphoria is taking up all the person’s attention and focus and they aren’t able to express the parts of themself that you are used to seeing or engage in the activities they used to enjoy with as much ease.

The dysphoria induced self-obsession can come across as lack of caring for others or a lack of awareness of others. This is something that should be communicated in a caring and understanding way that acknowledges the impact of dysphoria but looks for ways to help the person cope by focusing their attention outside their body and strengthening supportive relationships.

The onset of dysphoria can seem sudden to those around them. They have been obsessing about it internally for a long time and have a lot of internal pressure built up. Coming out gives them permission to talk about dysphoria and the obsessions that it causes for the first time. This can seem like a sudden onset of dysphoria and a sudden shift to being egocentric to the people around them.

Sometimes, people have a tendency to refer everything back to dysphoria or use dysphoria as an excuse – ‘if you only knew how it felt you wouldn’t say that’ or ‘oh I can’t do that because the dysphoria is so bad’. Dysphoria can be so all-consuming that it can be hard to tell when something else might actually be at fault – burnout from work, relationship stress, financial stress, fatigue from not enough sleep, changes in meds, having a cold, etc. Sometimes it takes an outside view from a supportive person that is close to them to help them differentiate what is dysphoria and what is something else that should be addressed differently.

You might have difficulty getting along with someone who experiences dysphoria because they may be more emotionally volatile or have unknown or shifting triggers. They may have a lack of interest in things they used to enjoy including things you used to do together because of the new focus on ‘solving’ the dysphoria. Try to be understanding and supportive but take care of your own needs and emotional well being too.

TIPS FOR DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

  • Use self talk to combat the skewed perspective that the hyper awareness creates.
  • Find activities to do that don’t trigger dysphoria that will help you get out of your head.
  • Remember that people who do not experience dysphoria will not remember that you do or understand how much it can effect you. Try to be understanding of their ignorance and explain gently. Getting angry with them when they do not automatically realize when you are feeling dysphoric will not help to keep your relationship with them as a source of support.
  • Make sure to express your appreciation and caring for the supportive people around you.
  • Find a therapist. Your support people cannot support you and be your therapist. They will get burned out and no longer be able to support you appropriately.
  • Find concrete ways to manage your dysphoria that require the least amount of time and effort so that you have more time to spend with those you care about.
  • If your dysphoria shifts, try tracking it to give you a better idea of what causes the shifts and help you predict when it will happen.

TIPS FOR SUPPORTING DYSPHORIC PEOPLE

  • Build a list of words, activities, and situations that trigger the trans person’s dysphoria so you are more likely to understand when they react negatively at those times.
  • Understand that getting the dysphoric person to explain their dysphoria to you, especially at times when they are dysphoric, will be hard and often makes their dysphoria worse. Look for other resources to learn what dysphoria can feel like and how to recognize it.
  • Help the trans person focus on something external that is less likely to trigger dysphoria or encourage them to engage in their self-care activities. They won’t always remember to use self-care strategies at times when they need them the most so external reminders can help.
  • Find sources of support for yourself other than the dysphoric person – a therapist, friends that might understand, community groups and support such as PFLaG, or online resources.

Living with dysphoria is an ongoing struggle and is different for everyone. Talk to each other, be as open and honest as you can, and find the support you need.

What is your experience of dysphoria or supporting someone with dysphoria? What other tips do you have that I should add to the list?

Let me know in the comments below!

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Menstruation and Gender

Having a menstrual cycle is treated as a very female experience. It is seen as the transition from being a girl to being a woman. It is treated as a symbol of fertility and future motherhood. So it is understandable that people who menstruate but who do not identify as women would struggle a lot with this time of the month.

Menstruation is a huge trigger for dysphoria in a lot of people. For people that menstruate who don’t identify as women, they are going through PMS mood swings and the physical pain of cramps and the inescapable bleeding all while combating feelings that this invalidates their gender identity, that their body is doing things that feel wrong, and that no one would understand how this feels if they ever had the courage to talk about it.

Then there are the women who have never menstruated and never will. They hear other women complaining about their symptoms, having to take birth control pills, or see it represented in media (on the rare occasion). Not having a period and not being able to relate to the experience of having a menstrual cycle can feel invalidating of their identity as a woman.

There are many reasons why a woman may not have a menstrual cycle. And it’s not only women that can menstruate. We need to start separating the things our bodies do and the way our bodies look from gender. Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

Menstruation is something that some bodies do. It does not belong solely to women and it is not necessary in order to be a woman.

I am an AFAB, non-binary, genderfluid person. When it comes to my period, I am one of the lucky ones. Almost every menstrual cycle, my gender shifts in the female direction with the beginning of my period and has a corresponding shift in the male direction as my period ends. This means I have very little dysphoria when it comes to my period. Sure, I still have the fatigue and cramps and grossness but I feel more female than male at the time so it feels in line with my gender. Usually these shifts in my gender are gradual over the course of a couple days but when they happen in the span of a few hours it makes me feel very cranky, out of sorts, and often dysphoric. Maybe this pattern is hormonal, maybe its societal. All I know is that it’s consistent and very helpful.

I figured out this pattern by tracking my gender for a couple months which I describe here. Knowing this pattern has helped me significantly when managing dysphoria. I know to watch for the shift in my gender around the time when my period is supposed to start and then again as it’s ending which allows me to adapt my presentation and dysphoria management strategies more easily.

Not everyone with a fluid gender will have predictable fluctuations in their gender like I do and not everyone will have fluctuations based on a menstrual cycle. My gender fluctuates in less predictable ways during the middle of my cycle.

Regardless of whether someone’s gender fluctuates or not, they do not need to be a woman to menstruate and they do no need to menstruate to be a woman.

What influences your experience of your gender? Do you experience dysphoria related to having or not having a menstrual cycle? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Different Ways to Explore Your Gender

The period of time between wondering if you might not be cis and figuring out what your gender actually is can be confusing, frustrating, scary, and isolating. There are many different ways to explore your gender. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. You might use all of these strategies at different times or only a couple of them. I hope this helps you find the most authentic and comfortable version of yourself.

Practical Experimentation

  • Try out a different presentation with clothing
  • Cut or grow your hair or try a wig
  • Use makeup or an app to try out facial hair (Snapchat, shaving apps)
  • Try a binder, packer, bra padding, or tucking
  • See what strategies decrease your gender dysphoria
  • See what strategies increase your gender euphoria
  • E.g.: the first time I wore a binder and saw myself in the mirror with a flat chest I knew that was how I was supposed to look.

Vicarious Experiences

  • Talk to other people with similar questions and identities
  • Listen to podcasts about gender (see my Resources page for a list)
  • Explore other people’s experiences on social media to see what resonates with you
  • Look at lists of labels and how different people define them to see if any of those definitions sound like your experience of your gender (if more than one feels right, that’s fine too! Labels aren’t boxes, they’re descriptors)

Process of Elimination

  • Determine what you for sure are NOT
  • Pay attention to what words, interactions, articles of clothing, or experiences make you feel less like yourself and head in the opposite direction
  • E.g.: I know I am not a girl but I’m not sure if I am a boy or agender.

Objective Guidance

  • Follow a guide for exploring your gender such as ‘You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery’ by Dara Hoffman-Fox or ‘How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are’ by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker
  • Track your sense of your gender on a scale that makes sense to you (5 female to 0 to 5 male, 0 can represent neutral or no gender)
  • List things that you have tried and how strongly they felt right or wrong to you to see if there is a pattern (maybe things that feel good all relate to a specific direction on the spectrum or maybe they are from all different points in the spectrum and you should be looking at gender-expansive identities)
  • Talk to a therapist who specializes in gender identity (highly recommended regardless of which other strategies you try if you are able to access one)

Try it Out

  • Sometimes it is very difficult to see how something will feel until you hear yourself referred to in that way
  • Find a group of two or more close friends or family that you trust and test out different pronouns, a different name, or different identity labels (if it is only one other person they likely won’t be using your name or pronouns since we only do that when we refer to someone in third person)
  • Pick an event that happened to you on a specific day and write it out like you are a character in a story using the name and pronouns that you want to test out
  • Join an online chat group that is gender positive and use the name and pronouns you want to test out
  • Try it out in private, then with close friends or family, out anonymously in public, at a larger queer group or random event, and eventually in everyday life
  • E.g.: I had been using they/them pronouns as a default because I knew that she/her and he/him felt equally wrong but when my friend started using xe/xir for me so I could try it out I had finally found something that felt right.

What strategies have you used? What strategies did you find the most helpful? Where certain strategies more useful at different points in your gender exploration? Leave a comment below with your experiences!

Note: the examples I used in this post are not my own experiences but are experiences I have heard other people describe.

What’s in a Name and How to Pick One

For many gender non-conforming and trans people, names are super important. Just like pronouns, names often have a specific gender attached to them. There are female names, male names, and gender neutral names.

Often one of the first things that a trans person will do, after coming out to themselves and before coming out to their broader community, is to pick a new name. This name is considered their chosen name. Their previous name is called their birth name. And once someone has socially transitioned and no longer uses their birth name, some trans people call their birth name their ‘dead name’.

So how does one go about finding a new name? I was lucky in that the masculine part of my identity came with a name that automatically felt right. However, this did lead to me having two names which I will discuss below. Jake, my husband, had a very different experience. He didn’t specifically dislike his birth name and if it had been an acceptable gender neutral or male name he probably would have kept it. He tried shortening it to a more masculine version but it didn’t feel right and ultimately chose the name Jake. I discuss more about his process below.

HAVING TWO NAMES

I have two parts to my gender identity, a female part and a male part, and I have a name that matches each. It has taken me a long time to figure out how I want to navigate the world and be identified and I am still figuring it out but here’s where I’m at so far:

  • In my head and when referring to myself as a whole (to people I am out to or in online spaces like this blog) I use both names as though they are one name ie Meaghan Ray
  • In my everyday life where I am not yet out as genderqueer or nonbinary, I use my birth name only
  • In queer spaces when I am feeling more neutral or masculine I use Ray only

Having two names means that when I am in spaces where I am out to people I have to specify how I would like to be referred to each time. Some people are better than others at asking and then using the name I specify. I am slowly getting better at remembering to specify and correcting people when they get it wrong. It’s an ongoing process.

So far, I don’t feel the need to change my name legally. At some point I may change my middle name to Ray but for now I am comfortable with where I’m at.

FINDING A NEW NAME

When Jake was looking for a new name we used a few different strategies. I have also heard some others mentioned by other trans people. Here are a few ideas:

  • Look up baby names from the years close to when you were born
  • Ask your parents what you would have been called if you had been born as your current/true gender
  • Make a list of names used in previous generations of your family
  • Make a list of names that start with the same letter as your birth name or middle name (if you like it) or other first letters that you like the sound of
  • Flip through a baby name book and make a list of names that feel right for you
  • Shorten or alter your birth name to version that matches your gender

There is no one way to find a name. Some names are more common in the trans community so connect with the community online if you can and see what other people with your identity have chosen. Maybe you want a common name, maybe you don’t. It’s your name and it is completely your decision.

TESTING YOUR NEW NAME

Choosing a new name can feel daunting and huge. This is the name that will represent you for the rest of your life! So, give yourself a trial period before you start telling everyone. Here are some suggestions of how to test your new name:

  • Use it as an alter ego online or as a character name in a video game
  • Ask a few close supportive friends or family to test it out for you (we learned that this doesn’t work very well with only you and one other person because you never use first names unless there are three or more in the group)
  • Try writing a journal entry about your day in the third person using that name
  • Participate in a queer social group that you have never met before and put your new name on the name tag
  • Pick one of the names on your shortlist and mentally use it as your name for a week, switching to a different name for the next week

Many of the above strategies will also work for testing out pronouns. Don’t be afraid to try out different names and change your mind. But be aware that it is often difficult for the people closest to you to adapt to a new name. So the more ways you can test it before telling the whole family or coming out at work the more confident you will feel that you are choosing the right name for you.

Remember that you also need time to get used to your new name. It will sound strange when someone refers to you by that name for a while. The longer you can give yourself to get used to it internally or with a small group before coming out publicly the more it will feel like your name when you hear people using it.

If you changed your name, what strategies did you use to pick a new name and test it out? If someone you know changed their name, how did you feel about the change? Leave me a comment below with your experiences!

Why Labels Matter

I have often heard complaints about why people (usually queer people) feel the need to label themselves, or why there are so many different labels, or how labels are so restrictive, and how its unnecessary to put yourself in a box. Usually, the people making these statements are cisgendered and straight. They have never struggled with having to figure out a part of their identity, find a way to explain it to others, and find a way to connect with a community.

Labels help me understand myself. For me, this is the most important reason that labels exist. Labels and their definitions provide me with language to say ‘yes, that is how I feel’ or ‘no, that is not how I feel’. Without this language, I might have a vague sense that my experience of the world is not the same as the people around be but be unable to figure out why, how, and what to do about it.

Sometimes, labels are the only thing we have control over. Sometimes, this sense of knowing who we are is all we have. There are times when it is unsafe to come out or we don’t have access to a community. Or times when we don’t have access to gender affirming clothing, medications, or surgery. Labels are the only way we can express our gender or identity and feel seen.

Labels are a communication tool to help others understand my identity. I know that not everyone will have the same definition or understanding of a label as I do so I try to use a label they are most likely to understand or have a conversation about what that label means for me. Without labels and their definitions I would only ever be defined by what people assumed my identity to be. When a large part of who I am and how I navigate the world is invisible, being able to communicate my identity to others is very important.

Labels are words that represent abstract concepts, not concrete ones. Everyone will have a slightly different understanding and experience of a given label. For me, this is part of the magic of labels and what makes them interesting and valuable. But some people use their own understanding of a label to define others. This is when labels can become damaging or restrictive.

Each label I use is a facet of who I am that all fit together to form the whole of my person and identity. Labels should not be boxes. You cannot define what something is no by stating what it is. For example, if I define the word trunk as the solid, central stem of a tree, that does not mean that the word trunk cannot mean anything else, or that a tree is solely made up of a trunk.

Labels should be seen as fluctuating and fluid, not fixed. Labels represent part of our identity. Identity, by the very nature of being a human, is fluid over time. Identity changes as we change. Expecting labels to be fixed is equivalent to saying that identities are fixed, that they won’t change over time as we change and as society changes around us.

Labels should not be performative or restrictive. Just because you identify with a label does not mean you should be expected to present or act a certain way as a result. However, society is not very good at following this. So it is completely acceptable to keep a label to yourself or alter your presentation to fit a label in order to keep yourself safe or access care that you need. I just hope that you do not lose parts of who you are in the process.

Labels allow you to connect with other people who share similar experiences and identities. I can understand how people who have never felt like they don’t fit in mainstream culture would not understand the need to use labels to define yourself and your experience of the world in order to find community. I just wish everyone could allow each other to use labels, or not, as they wish, and approach labels that are new to them with curiosity rather than skepticism.

What is your experience with labels? Do you find them useful or restrictive? Have you had experiences where you were treated differently as a result of a label you used? Tell me about it in the comments!

Treating Your Body Well Can Help Manage Dysphoria

Sometimes for folks who experience dysphoria it feels like the only ways they experience their body are negative. This can easily lead to negative self-talk and the tendency to ignore the ways that our bodies help us navigate the world every day.

Dysphoria is not always predictable or manageable. It springs up at the worst times and can be extremely persistent. It can lead to a feeling of fighting with our bodies or feeling out of control. Our bodies become the focus of our negativity instead of dysphoria or the way we’re treated by others.

One way to combat all this negativity towards our own bodies is to treat our bodies well. Just like it feels better to come home to a clean and well maintained house, it feels better to live in a body that you are actively working to maintain and keep clean. This means eating well (as often as you can), drinking lots of water, getting enough exercise, and avoiding things like smoking and excessive alcohol. Not everyone needs to do all of these things, but even focusing on one of them can give you a positive connection to your body.

This strategy partly relies on the ‘fake it ’til you make it’ mentality. If I am taking care of my body and we typically only take care of things we care about, that must mean I care about my body. The other part of this strategy is that some of the habits, especially exercise, will help you experience your body in positive ways. Find types of exercise that work for you (see my post about going to the gym) and focus on how your body moves, how it responds to your instructions, and how it improves with ongoing care.

When I feel good about how I am treating my body, I feel proud of it. Even if it is a source of dysphoria. Even if it doesn’t match what I picture myself to be in my head. If I have been taking care of my body, on bad dysphoria days I have a better chance of redirecting my focus to positive aspects of my body.

Even if you want your body to be different, even if your body doesn’t move or look the way you want it to, it is still your body. It doesn’t suddenly become your body once it matches the image you have of yourself in your head, it has always been your body. If you are a man, it is the body of a man. If you are agender, your body is also agender. No matter what your identity and what society tells you your body should look like, your body is the vessel for your identity.

So treat it well. Build a positive relationship with your body and use that positive connection to fight your dysphoria. Who knows, maybe you’ll end up finding more ways to experience gender euphoria than you thought you had access to.

What are the ways that you take care of your body? How do those habits help you manage dysphoria? Leave a comment below!

How to Explain your Fluid Gender Identity

Gender fluid identities can be difficult to explain to people. Even once your audience understands gender beyond the binary, they may not have any experience with fluctuations in their own gender or know someone with a fluid gender identity.

Let’s say someone asks you how you identify with regards to gender (for example, asks your pronouns). For gender fluid people (typically people who experience their gender as a single point on the spectrum that shifts around) and gender expansive people (people who experience a wide range of gender simultaneously), there are two ways to answer this question. You could explain your total gender experience and identity (for example, stating that you are pronoun indifferent, or that you use he or she on different days depending) or you could state how your gender feels at that particular moment (for example, ‘I currently identify as a boy and use he/him pronouns). It all depends on context and your goals for the conversation.

If your goal is to give an accurate and authentic representation of your identity then explain the total of your experience. This could include what labels and pronouns you use, a discussion of the range of gender you experience (I like using a 5 male to 0 to 5 female scale – for example I go from 2 male to 3 female with most of the time at 0 to 1 female), or examples of how you are comfortable presenting on different days.

If your goal is to clarify how you wish to be identified at this particular moment – which pronouns and name people should be using, what types of gendered terms or interactions you would prefer at this time – then state where you currently sit on the spectrum.

If you are coming out to someone such as a family member or friend, some explanation of your total gender experience will be important but try not to overwhelm them.

If you are not sure that the space you are in is safe, stick with a minimal description of how you currently feel with regards to gender.

If your interactions with a person are going to limited, an explanation of your total gender range is likely unnecessary so stick with the ‘current day’ picture. If the next time you see them you are presenting drastically differently, you can explain a bit about your global identity if you’d like, or once again stick to the ‘current day’ picture (which just happens to be different than the previous time).

What’s important to remember is that if you only explain your current gender it does not invalidate your gender fluid or gender expansive identity and experience. The people around you will likely make assumptions about your gender and identity (that it is static and therefore you are either cis or trans or non-binary) but you will likely be using this explanation when safety or ease of interaction is the main goal so don’t worry too much about not presenting yourself in an ‘authentic’ way. It is always your decision what and how much to disclose about your gender identity.

If you have a fluid or expansive gender, how do you explain it to others? What types of responses do you get and how do you address them? If you have a more narrow or static gender identity, what questions have you always wanted to ask a gender fluid or gender expansive person?

Leave a comment below! Maybe your explanation will give someone with a similar identity the words they need to explain it to the people closest to them.

AFAB and AMAB Non-Binary Differences and Similarities

Note: Since writing this post I have learned that the use of AMAB and AFAB to categorize people, especially nonbinary people, is exclusionary, reductive, and often not helpful in describing experiences in an accessible way. I am working to stop using these terms. I have chosen to leave this post up for now. If you feel strongly about what is written here please leave a comment or send me an email. I appreciate your input.

I recently joined Instagram in an attempt to find more non-binary community. For the most part it has been immensely helpful and wonderful. But one of the things that surprised me was how uncomfortable it was for me to see images of AMAB non-binary folks playing around with their presentation. I was not uncomfortable because I thought they looked strange or weird (they didn’t, they looked awesome), I was uncomfortable because as a non-binary person I was expecting to empathize with them and instead, when I automatically pictured myself using similar strategies for presentation, it made me super dysphoric. This post is an attempt to explore that experience.

AMAB and AFAB people are going to feel dysphoric in different ways and are therefore going to use different strategies to mitigate that dysphoria. This can lead to vastly different, or sometimes completely opposite, gender expressions. For example, an AFAB person might wear a binder, wear traditionally male clothing, and limit their use of makeup. An AMAB person might wear traditionally female clothing, makeup, jewelry, or nail polish.

This is not to say that in order to ‘be’ non-binary, you have to alter your appearance to conform to the other binary gender from what you were assigned at birth. There is no one way to ‘be’ non-binary. There is no ‘right’ way to be non-binary. You can be AFAB, wear a dress and makeup and paint your nails and still be non-binary. But often, dysphoria is either related to aspects of our bodies and biology, or related to how we are viewed by society. Altering our body shape and presentation can help with the dysphoria or lead to gender euphoria and there are strategies that are common among AMAB people and vastly different strategies that are common among AFAB people.

Despite these differences that have made it hard for me to relate to images of AMAB non-binary people, there are many similarities in how we experience the world. We all had to struggle to figure out why we felt uncomfortable with either of the binary gender options that were presented to us. We all had to figure out how to communicate our identity to ourselves and others. We all struggle to have our identity recognized as valid by those around us and society at large. We all struggle against binary assumptions, expectations, and limitations.

There are some AMAB non-binary people who, having taken estrogen, have some breast development and occasionally wear a binder. Or some AFAB people who take low dose testosterone to lower their voice and change their body structure but don’t want facial hair and end up having electrolysis. So even with what seem like vast differences in our strategies to present authentically, non-binary folks can have experiences that overlap in important and interesting ways.

What similarities or differences have you experienced with other non-binary folks? Have you been able to connect with people who share your identity but were assigned a different gender at birth? Leave a comment below and tell me what you think!