Inclusive Pregnancy and Birthing Terminology

NOT ALL PREGNANT PEOPLE ARE WOMEN

Not all pregnant people are women. Being pregnant as a person who does not identify as a cis woman can make my identity feel invisible. It often feels like all anyone sees about me is that I’m pregnant and therefore I must be a woman.

I know lots of cis women also feel like they lose their individuality while they are pregnant and especially once they are a parent. Some push back against it and some embrace it. I also know that pregnancy, birthing, and breastfeeding have been seen as traditional components of womanhood and there is a lot of push back against people who don’t identify as women claiming these experiences. There is also push back against people who identify as women not wanting to have these experiences and shame/stigma experienced by women who would like to have these experiences but are unable to for whatever reason.

I can’t fight against all these types of social marginalization, discrimination, and stigma in one post. I personally don’t see any of those judgments or identity based limitations as necessary, meaningful, or helpful. Everyone should be allowed to experience whatever aspects of childbearing, child caring, and child rearing they want and if they are unable to we should support them with community rather than shaming them. Regardless, I wanted to share my own personal experiences with this and some recommendations that might help others in the future.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Being pregnant and preparing for a baby requires consuming a huge amount of information and resources, most of which is presented as female-centric. I constantly have to filter out the language in order to apply this information to myself which is exhausting.

It is often hard to tell why I am uncomfortable with the information I’m consuming. Is it because it is all new, different, and overwhelming as anyone preparing for their first child can attest? Is it because picturing myself in that scenario triggers dysphoria which may mean I will need/want to avoid that situation or have a dysphoria management strategy in place? Or is it because the information is presented using language that is triggering dysphoria as I read it?

This makes it extra difficult to know what aspects of birthing and baby care will be more or less difficult for me gender-wise and how to prepare without stressing myself out about things that will be completely fine in the moment.

In order to sort through these reactions, I have joined trans/nonbinary support groups so I can see if I am equally as uncomfortable, anxious, or dyphoric when discussing the same topics with people who share my experiences and use affirming language. I also talk to my therapist and will have appointments scheduled for postpartum as well (highly recommend this for anyone able to access this service). Lastly, I have found The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin to be an invaluable source of balanced information presented almost entirely using gender neutral language.

RECOMMENDATIONS AND RESOURCES

Below is a table of some of the terminology that I have come across and some gender neutral or inclusive alternatives. I hope this helps steer resources and practitioners in a more trans inclusive direction.

Traditional LanguageTrans Inclusive Language
Pregnant women/womanPregnant people/person
Gestating people/person
Mother, mom, mommyParent
Gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Woman in labourPerson in labour
Labouring person
Birthing person
Father, dad, daddyParent, partner, co-parent
Support person
Non-gestational parent
[Preferred parenting label]
Nursing Lactating
Feeding
Bodyfeeding
BreastfeedingChestfeeding
Breast/chestfeeding
Bodyfeeding
Breast milkHuman milk
Expressed milk

Please Note: I paired ‘Gestational parent’ with ‘Mother’ because traditionally, anyone gestating is labeled ‘Mother’ and resources that refer to the ‘Mother’ are often for gestating people in general. Some gestating people are men and will use the term ‘Father’ or other typically male parental term. Similarly, not all ‘Fathers’ are ‘Non-gestational parents’ – they might be the one who gestated the child! But traditional resources referring to the ‘Father’ often mean ‘Non-gestating parent’ or even just ‘Support person’.

The goal is to say what you mean. Do you mean ‘pregnant women’ specifically ie are you referring to a difference of experience between pregnant women and pregnant people of other gender identities? Or do you really mean ‘pregnant people’? Being inclusive isn’t difficult or mysterious. But it does require awareness of the breadth of identities and experiences and self awareness to say what you actually mean.

In addition to using trans-inclusive language, a basic understanding of what dysphoria is and how trans people who are pregnant, birthing, or postpartum may experience dysphoria is necessary for providing trans-inclusive care. Every trans person experiences dysphoria differently and will manage it differently. Knowing how to have those conversations with the gestating trans person in your life will make you a much better support person. As a support person, you are not responsible for identifying or managing their dysphoria for them. Simply knowing how to ask about it, being familiar with the language and experiences, will give them space to discuss it with someone who is showing care and support. Trust me, it makes a big difference.

If you are a birth worker (medically trained or not), here are some other resources that will help point you in the right direction:

  • Inclusive lactation style guide from International Lactation Consultant Association and why it matters
  • Gender Inclusive Language examples from Trans Care BC
  • Moss Froom: Trans & Queer Centered Doula & Childbirth Educator
  • Jenna Brown: Love Over Fear Wellness and Birth LLC
  • The Birth Partner, 5th Ed by Penny Simkin (also very good resource for gestating and birthing people and their supporters)

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The Power of a Non-Binary Perspective

THE WORLD IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE

I listen to a lot of podcasts and recently I listened to two different ones that seemed to be in conversation with each other. The first was an episode of Gender Stories by Alex Iantaffi released on April 12, 2020 called A non-binary approach in the COVID-19 pandemic: a conversation with Meg-John Barker. The second was an episode of Thoughts on Thoughts by Kristjana Reid, Jessica Miller, and Taylor Thomas released on June 8, 2020 called The Power of the Word “And”: Holding Conflicting Emotions Together. Both of these episodes were talking about how limiting, and potentially damaging, a black and white, either/or perspective can be.

There are many times in our lives when we are either personally experiencing a complex situation (such as parenting a difficult child) or are surrounded by one (such as a global pandemic). Often, we feel like there should be a right and wrong way to react to the situation, certain actions that we should take and others to avoid, ways we should feel that would, by the very nature of those feelings, prevent other ways of feeling. But if the situation is complex, why can’t our reaction to it also be complex?

THE NON-BINARY PERSPECTIVE

Here’s where the non-binary part comes in. Non-binary experiences and identities directly counteract the gender binary. Gender cannot possibly be composed of two boxes, male and female, that are seen as opposites of each other, if there are people who experience both of these genders, neither of these genders, or a third and completely different gender.

The non-binary perspective allows for a variety of experiences beyond the most obvious two (black and white, right and wrong) that we are usually presented with. It encourages us to consider both options as acceptable, or neither, or a third different option, or various options depending on the circumstances. It also encourages us to allow others to choose a different option, have a different reaction, or experience a situation differently from ourselves without judging that as incorrect, wrong, or harmful.

Now, the caveat is that, as I said, this helps us navigate complex situations with a more nuanced or open-minded approach. Some situations are not complex. Some situations clearly have a right and wrong reaction. So use your own judgement as to when this applies and when, perhaps, a stronger, more defined stance is required.

EXAMPLE 1: COVID-19 PANDEMIC

Here are a couple examples that came up in the podcast episodes (rephrased in my own words). The COVID-19 global pandemic has lead to many countries, local governments, and individuals reacting differently but very strongly based on very little information. It has lead to a lot of blaming and shaming, anxiety and isolation, but also creativity and ingenuity. This is one of those situations where, maybe, different reactions are acceptable depending on the situation at the time, in that place, or for that individual.

There are a lot of black-and-white seeming questions. Should we wear a mask or not? If we’re wearing masks, do we still need to stay 6 feet apart or not? Should we be disinfecting everything that comes into our houses or not? The scientific answers have been slow to keep up with the social necessity of answering these questions so everyone has had to decide for themselves what is best.

The non-binary perspective allows space for a variety of responses to these questions without shame, blame, or guilt. It allows for the freedom to change your response depending on the situation or what information you have.

Note: if you are looking for a source of scientific answers to these and other questions related to the COVID-19 pandemic, I recommend the podcast Science Vs from Gimlet. It is scientifically founded with a citation list for each episode and entertaining to listen to.

EXAMPLE 2: CONFLICTING EMOTIONS

The second example that stuck with me was dealing with conflicting emotions experienced during the postpartum period or with the death of a loved one. As I am into the third trimester of pregnancy at the time of writing this and my grandmother recently passed, I found these examples particularly relevant. I actually wrote a post along these lines about my experiences during pregnancy before I heard this podcast episode (Grief and Gratitude).

When we experience conflicting emotions we often put the word ‘but’ between them. ‘I love my baby but I’m so exhausted I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone but I’m glad she’s now at peace’. In the podcast episode of Thoughts on Thoughts, they talk about how the word but diminishes or negates everything that came before it. It suggests that we have to choose between those two experiences, that we can’t possibly experience them simultaneously or in equal amounts, and the one that we say after the but is taking precedence.

Instead, they suggest trying to use the word ‘and’. ‘I love my baby and I’m so exhausted that I can’t deal with this anymore’ or ‘I’m sad she’s gone and I’m glad she’s now at peace’. How does the change in these phrases sound to you? For me, this re-framing was powerful. It suggests that we are allowed to feel both of the emotions equally. It now sounds like the second part that before was negating the first, is now resulting from it, that they are tied together, intrinsically linked. This, for me, is a much more truthful presentation of how conflicting emotions feel.

So, next time you are expressing conflicting emotions, try to listen for that word ‘but’ and change it to ‘and’. Just like gender isn’t either/or, male or female, neither are emotions. You can be experiencing both at once, or even more than two, without any of them negating or diminishing the others.


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Second Trimester Part 2

GENDER

Not much has changed gender-wise since my last pregnancy update (see Second Trimester Part 1). Being more visibly pregnant leads to more female language and more dysphoria. I have been able to manage by finding clothes that are generally affirming (larger sports bras rather than maternity bras and larger and longer ‘men’s’ t-shirts rather than maternity tops) though I have had to switch to maternity pants with the fake button, tiny pockets, but comfortable belly band.

Most of the conversations I’m having about gender are related to the baby’s gender (though most people mean sex – see Gender vs Sex). I have been trying to correct people’s use of the terms gender and sex and trying to explain to people why it’s important that the baby’s sex doesn’t matter and encouraging them to challenge their own conditioning about automatically asking about it. Most of the time I don’t have the energy for these conversations or the context isn’t conducive to this kind of conversation ie a stranger asking about the baby’s ‘gender’ in passing (yes, this happens frequently). The longer conversations I have had with friends and co-workers, when my response is received well, often segue into a conversation about trans identities, identity vs presentation, and sometimes even my own identity as nonbinary. So, while the question ‘What are you having?’ is very frustrating and mildly triggering, it has helped me come out to more people in a round-about way.

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I am still struggling with pain in my hips, pelvis, back, ribs, and occasional other joints. The worsening of this pain has slowed down with the sedentary duties at work and use of a walker or cane to get around. Other symptoms (heartburn, overheating, vivid dreams) are generally easy to manage.

The coolest thing is the baby movement. Hiccups are the cutest – a rhythmic little thump in one spot that someone else can feel from the outside. The kicks, elbows, knees, and punches range from interesting to surprising to painful. The squirming can be weird and nauseating but is also pretty cool how much it changes the shape of my belly and how visible it is from the outside. All these sensations remind me that I have a little human growing inside me. It is pretty amazing what my body can do.

THE MENTAL GAME

As I enter the third trimester of pregnancy, I have been doing a lot of thinking ahead to, and learning about labour, birth, and the postpartum experience. We have been taking prenatal classes (over Zoom of course) and I have been reading lots of books. The best one that I’ve found by far is called The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. It’s on it’s fifth edition and is written using predominantly gender neutral language – birthing person/labouring person, partner/support person, breast/chest feeding. While it’s aimed at the support person rather than the birthing person, I have found it very straightforwardly informative and affirming.

Learning about and preparing for the big scary experiences and changes ahead is my way of making them feel more manageable and less scary. I’m not generally an anxious person so I’m unlikely to make myself more scared by learning more. However, thinking about the future definitely takes my focus away from experiencing the moment, experiencing pregnancy to the fullest as it happens. So I’m trying to find a balance between the two by enjoying as many aspects of pregnancy as I can while managing the rest and preparing for the future.


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My Body, My Identity, My Experiences

Lately, I have struggled to feel excited and comfortable with the idea and experience of being pregnant. I have felt like the more visibly pregnant I get, the more invisible my nonbinary identity becomes, both to myself and others.

Recently, someone in one of the online groups I am a part of stated something similar to what I have written below and it resonated a lot with me. I wanted to put these thoughts into words so I can remind myself of them as often as I need to in the upcoming months. Hopefully they will resonate with others as well.


I identify as nonbinary. Regardless of how society views me, I am the only one who gets to decide how I identify.

My body is my own. It is the body of a nonbinary person. Regardless of how society views my body, this means my body is a nonbinary body.

For me, the experience of being pregnant and gestating a child, something that my nonbinary body is able to do, is a nonbinary experience. I cannot separate these experiences from my own identity, nor should I have to.

For most people, being pregnant is a female experience because they are female. But for me, it is a nonbinary experience. For a trans man, it would be a male experience. Not all people who get pregnant are women and the ability to get pregnant is not required in order to be considered a woman.

If everything goes well, I will get to be a parent, a mother. For me, parenting will be a nonbinary experience. All the aspects of parenting that are typically associated with motherhood will be nonbinary experiences. Motherhood will be a nonbinary experience.

My ability to have these experiences does not diminish or negate my identity as a nonbinary person. Nor should my ability to have these experiences as a nonbinary person diminish anyone else’s identity as a woman.

No matter what society tells me, and even if all the people around me that relate to these experiences are women, my body is nonbinary because I am nonbinary, and therefore, my pregnancy is a nonbinary experience.


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In My Body

Note: Although this post is specifically about my experience of being pregnant, you might find what I talk about relates closely with other major life events such as health challenges, injuries, and aspects of transitioning. I hope you find it interesting, if not relevant to your own experiences.

Being pregnant is a weird experience. Everyone who is or has been pregnant experiences it differently, both physically and emotionally.

There are both positive and negative aspects to the process that we have to navigate. Some of the positive aspects can help offset the negative ones, but sometimes our only ways to cope with the negative ones also diminish the positive.

I am currently trying to deal with physical body pain as well as physical and social dysphoria while trying to stay present and experience the wonder of being pregnant.

Generally, the easiest way to cope with both physical pain and dysphoria are to distract myself, decrease my focus on my body. But that also takes my focus away from the internal changes related to being pregnant. This can make me feel like I’m missing out on the experience of being pregnant and decreases my ability to convince myself that the negative aspects are worth it for the sake of growing a human. Regardless, if the pain and/or dysphoria are bad enough, distracting myself from my body becomes a necessary survival tactic.

Most of the time, some amount of focus on the specific parts of my body that relate to the positive aspects of being pregnant actually helps offset the pain and dysphoria by making them feel worth it or at least by giving me something positive to focus on. These aspects include the expansion of my belly, the sensation of the baby moving, and knowledge about the baby’s growth and the changes in my own body.

So focusing on my body in specific ways can heighten my awareness of the positive aspects of pregnancy and offset the negative ones to some extent but too much focus on my body can actually cause the negative aspects and my awareness of them to get worse. This balance point is different every day and in different situations. For me, finding this balance point is an instinctual process.

Lots of prenatal programs encourage meditation, yoga, stretching, and breathing techniques, all of which require or encourage a certain amount of focus on or awareness of your body. Depending on where I need that balance point to be, these activities might do more harm than good for me at any given time.

Everyone’s strategies for managing the positive and negative aspects of pregnancy will be different. Some people may not even be aware they are using a strategy similar to mine. I only recently became aware that I was using this strategy myself. Some people may not be able to understand how this strategy works for me or why it is necessary no matter how much I try to explain it.

Our connection between our mind, body, and emotions is strange and complex. The more you understand how it works for you, the better you will be able to navigate these types of complex, conflicting, and life-changing experiences.

So far, I feel like I’m doing ok.


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Grief and Gratitude

This is not the experience of pregnancy I had hoped for. Everyone hopes for an easy pregnancy with no complications for the baby and minimal difficulty for themselves. Very few people get to experience this but that doesn’t change the hope or the emotional response when it doesn’t happen.

More than anything, I want to enjoy being pregnant and be able to celebrate how my body is creating a new life. But it is hard to feel happy about the experience and excited for it to progress when my body is in constant pain as a result.

Having hopeful expectations that aren’t met causes a feeling of grief. Grief about the experience I wanted to have, grief about not being able to be present and connected to the experience the way I wanted to, and grief about not being able to engage in my everyday life the way I normally would due to being pregnant.

Grief is our way of processing and letting go of those inaccurate expectations. Ignoring grief makes it stronger, makes it have a more insidious effect on my emotional state that I cannot counteract. So I choose to acknowledge it, process it, accept it, and talk about it. Maybe there are others out there who also struggled with grief while pregnant.

But despite feelings of grief, there is not a single moment that I am not grateful to be pregnant. There is not a single moment that I regret all the time, money, and emotions we put into getting to this point. Grief and gratitude can exist at the same time and often do. One does not negate the other.

When I talk about the struggle that I am experiencing as a result of being pregnant, I often get a sympathetic reaction but I also get comments of ‘it could be worse’ or ‘just be grateful you were able to get pregnant’ or ‘just wait, it’ll be even harder once the kid is born’. These comments are often accompanied by stories of terrible pregnancy symptoms, struggles with infertility or miscarriage, and comparisons between pregnancy and life with a newborn. While these are likely true stories, they do not often relate directly to my experience in a way that will help me cope or prepare for the future, nor do they acknowledge or hold space for my grief.

So next time you ask someone how they are doing, whether because they are pregnant or because of other difficult situations (of which there are so very many in the world at the moment), try to hear the emotion embedded in their experience and connect with that rather than the situation on the surface. You may have experienced a similar situation but had a very different emotional experience with it that will not resonate or provide support for the person you are talking to. But if you can relate with a story that shares the same emotional experience even if it was a completely different set of circumstances, this will be much more supportive and powerful.

Emotions are complex. Many conflicting emotions can exist at once within each person. Just because I am grieving certain aspects of this pregnancy experience does not mean I am not grateful for every part of it at the same time. And that is perfectly fine.


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Second Trimester Part 1

GENDER

I have stayed close to the middle of the gender spectrum over the past few months with some fluctuations towards the female side. This has made me feel balanced and stable within my gender, much more so than last time (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender).

But as I predicted, dysphoria has definitely gotten worse since telling people I’m pregnant and starting to show. The belly is not really an issue though it is the thing that people use to identify me as pregnant and then start treating me more femininely. Referring to my belly or the fact that I’m pregnant with typically feminine terms definitely increases my social dysphoria and feelings of invisibility.

Worse than the belly is the bra shopping and maternity clothes. Nothing makes top dysphoria worse than your breasts out-growing your bras every couple months. Unfortunately, I have some swelling that could get significantly worse with taping and rib pain that makes binding impossible.

I’m sure both physical and social dysphoria will get worse as I get closer to my due date. Unfortunately, with this social distancing we are all living with at the moment (due to COVID-19), I have less access to the various forms of support I’ve be building for myself over the last nine months (various queer discussion and support groups in my area and a bi-monthly queer games group).

PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS

I have considerably more energy than I did at the end of the first trimester. I have just started getting heartburn. So far I don’t have any swelling in my legs though I have been congested in the evenings and overnight for a few weeks.

Mostly, my joint pain has gotten considerably worse. For most pregnant people, this is a symptom that comes on later in pregnancy with the increased weight and change in posture. But for people with underlying inflammatory or connective tissue disorders/conditions, their symptoms can get considerably worse earlier on in pregnancy. This has been the case for me.

As of mid-March, I have been using a walker when out of the house. Most of the time I can walk around the house without a cane but sometimes I need it in the evenings. I have rib and neck pain, my knees ache, and my wrists, elbows, and shoulders are slowly getting worse the more I have to rely on them to support me when I’m walking.

Needless to say, my role at work has changed and my ability to contribute to household chores has decreased significantly in the last few weeks. I am trying to find creative ways to do things or shift roles to ones I can manage easier even if it’s not something I typically enjoy doing.

The lack of mobility is frustrating but feeling useless or like I’m just getting in the way is worse. I don’t mind having to use gait aids (it is part of my job to encourage people who would benefit from them to use them) but it is hard to deal with the reason I need the walker or cane – the constant but fluctuating pain. Looking ahead to another six months of this as it slowly gets worse is extremely difficult.

I am trying to stay positive and say ‘at least it’s for a good cause’ and ‘at least I know it will have an end point’ but I’d like to be able to enjoy the process of being pregnant, at least a little bit. Maybe once I am consistently feeling the baby move and able to share that with my husband I will feel more connected to the positive side of this process.

For now, I will keep taking it one day at a time, do the best I can, and take breaks when I need to.


How did your experience of your gender change as your body changed with pregnancy? What physical symptoms did you have to contend with?


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Gender Vs Sex

No, this is not a ‘gender’ reveal post.

First of all, what I would be revealing is the sex of my baby, not the gender. We can find out the sex of our babies before they are born based on seeing their genitalia on an ultrasound or having a genetic test done that tells us their chromosomal makeup. Both of these are markers of sex, not gender.

The whole concept of finding out the sex ignores the existence of intersex conditions and identities. The idea that we automatically know the baby’s gender based on their sex markers ignores the existence of trans and non-binary identities. So every time someone asks me what the gender of my baby is, it feels like an erasure of mine and my husband’s identities, even if the person asking doesn’t realize it or mean it that way.

We can assume that the baby will be cisgender (that their gender will match their sex) which is statistically more likely than the baby being trans, but we will not know their gender for sure until they are old enough to express it to us.

This is what goes through my mind when people ask me “What are you having?” or “Are you finding out?” or “Do you know the gender?” So of course, there is a long pause while I decide whether I want to educate, be snarky, or bite my tongue and play along with the social routine.

Is it worth the energy and vulnerability to educate people on why this question feels inappropriate to me? Am I in a safe environment to out myself or my husband in order to illustrate the point? Can I educate them well enough, with enough impact, without outing either of us? The mental and emotional gymnastics to figure out whether to challenge them on their assumptions behind the question are exhausting on their own.

Most of the time I answer the “What are you having?” question with “A baby” or if I’m feeling snarky, “Well, I’m not having a puppy…” If they ask if we’re finding out the gender, I usually say “Yes, we already have but we’re not telling anyone” even though it hurts me a bit to reaffirm their ignorance instead of contradicting it. Occasionally I’ll reply “You mean the sex?” or “Well, we found out the sex but the kid will have to tell us their gender when they figure it out for themself.” If you’re in a similar situation, hopefully these variations of answers give you some options when you don’t have the energy or safety to educate.

We decided to find out the sex of the baby before birth so that we would have time to process what it would mean to counteract societal influences, stereotypes, and our own preconceptions in order to raise them in as gender-expansive a way as possible. We decided not to tell anyone else the sex of the baby because we don’t trust everyone else to do the same work without our direct influence so the longer we can force those around us to think of the child as gender neutral the better.

As I have talked about in a previous post (Thinking Ahead to Parenting as a Non-Binary Person), we will be using the pronouns associated with their sex assigned at birth (or before birth in most cases nowadays). It would be too challenging for both of us to fight for neutral pronouns when the likelihood is that the child will be cis-gender. We will be giving our child every opportunity to explore and be exposed to all aspects of gender identity, presentation, and expression. We will be having open conversations about all aspects of gender and sex as they become relevant. We’ll see how this goes!


How do you respond to questions about finding out your child’s ‘gender’? Did you find out your child’s sex in advance of birth? Have you taken any specific steps to raise your child(ren) in a gender-expansive way? Please share in the comments! I’d love to hear your experiences.


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Non-binary and Pregnant (Again)

That’s right! I am in my second trimester of pregnancy!

HOW WE GOT HERE

After the miscarriage (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender), we continued with IUI for two more cycles (taking a month off between each as before). When that didn’t work, we tried a medicated IUI cycle where I took a follicle stimulating drug. The goal was to force my body to produce and release multiple eggs.

The drugs gave me hot flashes, dizzy spells, racing heart, and decreased appetite. We decided that if this cycle didn’t work, we would take a longer break to build up some money and prepare for IVF. The two week wait was particularly intense and when it came back negative, it took extra time and energy to recover from.

IVF

We calculated that it would take about eight months to build up the money needed for IVF but with the help of both of our families, we were able to start much sooner.

The IVF process involved a lot of hormone injections, abdominal discomfort from enlarged ovaries, many internal ultrasounds, an egg harvesting procedure, daily embryo updates, and eventually an embryo implantation.

What with all the hormones in my system and the aching ovaries, I had no idea if I was pregnant or not until the blood test. Which came back positive!!

PREGNANT AGAIN

This time, we knew for sure that the egg had properly developing genetic material inside so we had already avoided the cause of my previous miscarriage. Over the next few weeks I slowly developed the typical first trimester symptoms – fatigue, nausea (luckily not too bad), and increased hunger and thirst. The aching in my ovaries slowly faded and resolved by about week six.

We had our first ultrasound at week 7. There it was, a little bean, floating in a pool in my womb. Better yet, there was a little fluttering spot in the bean that showed a heartbeat!

My pregnancy symptoms continued to worsen until week nine when the nausea suddenly disappeared. My appetite and thirst increased even more. Around week six I started to have increasing joint pain. I have chronic SI joint problems and low level body inflammation and often take naproxen to manage pain. It is a wonder drug for me but unfortunately, you can’t take naproxen or anything like it while pregnant. So, over time my SI pain has gotten worse and I have had to use a cane, wear an SI belt, and be careful what I do at work.

THE GENDERY STUFF

The IVF process had a lot of ups and downs with regards to gender. There were times when I felt like I fit right in and felt affirmed as a woman, in awe of what my body was doing. Then there were times when I felt very out of place, at odds and uncomfortable with being identified as a woman. At those times, using the women’s bathroom and signing many documents that identified me as a woman were particularly difficult.

I was forced to be aware of and interact with my ‘female parts’ in invasive and unavoidable ways. I had many transvaginal ultrasounds throughout the IVF process, one of which fell on a particularly dysphoric day, after which I immediately had to go to work, and took me hours to recover from. All procedures since then have been slightly more difficult regardless of dysphoria just because of the memory of that experience.

During the pregnancy so far I have been floating around the female side of neutral, much closer to the middle of my typical gender bandwidth than the last time I was pregnant (see Pregnancy, Miscarriage, and Gender). Is this because I have had more time to become comfortable and confident in my gender or because the hormone balance is different this time around? Who knows. Regardless, this means I have had more balance but slightly more dysphoria than last time.

LOOKING AHEAD

As I move into the second trimester and start to show more and tell people, I’m expecting my social dysphoria, and eventually my physical dysphoria, to get worse. Hopefully I’ll be able to manage this ok with the support that I have and a lessening of the first trimester fatigue.

I will try to post more frequent updates on how things are going and what being pregnant is like as a non-binary person.


If you or someone close to you is going through the IVF process and you would like more details on my experience or someone to talk to I am happy to share in a more private setting. Feel free to email me or leaving your contact info in the comments.


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Let’s Talk Gender S1E8: Legal Transition

OVERVIEW

We start by talking about Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on top surgery because we didn’t have time in the previous episode. Then we talk about Jake’s process of changing his legal name and gender marker, Meaghan Ray’s role as his partner through that process, and Meaghan Ray’s thoughts on potentially changing their name and gender marker in the future.

This is the last episode in this series which has focused on the various stages of transition as we have experienced them so far. We will be taking a break and will return with a new series in the future.


SHOW NOTES

Meaghan Ray’s Thoughts on Top Surgery

  • Some NB people will get top surgery without testosterone, take testosterone but not have top surgery, or do both.
    • I have a harder time relating to the NBs that do both because I am genderfluid and have a significant female component to my gender
  • I don’t feel the need to wear a binder all the time
    • When I have top dysphoria it isn’t debilitating, just irritating
  • Having top surgery to have a flat chest doesn’t feel right for me at the moment but I would consider having a breast reduction
    • Enough that I wouldn’t need to wear a bra if I didn’t want to and could get the appearance of a flat chest fairly easily but could also wear a bra to have the appearance of breasts
  • Got lots of good info from a talk at the Trans Philly Wellness Conference on top surgery
    • To get a more NB look you can look at various factors separately to mix and match more female-typical and male-typical markers
      • Contour
      • Overhang
      • Nipple placement
      • Nipple size
      • Shape of scars
      • Placement of scars
    • If you know what look you want with relation to all these things you just have to find a surgeon who knows how to do it!

Jake’s Legal Transition

  • Jake started to live ‘full time’ in May 2017 which is when he also started HRT
  • Saw gender psychiatrist in July
    • Received generic form to certify that he is transitioning and said it would make sense to amend his sex on any ID
    • Also can be used to explain why he might look male when his ID still says female
    • This document counts as the ‘medical letter’ that was required to change provincial ID
      • No longer required!
  • Went into registries in August
    • Found out he had to get fingerprinting done to get his legal name change and needed to apply for a legal name change before
  • Got fingerprints done
  • Applied for legal name change in August
    • If he was born in Alberta, could have gotten birth certificate and marriage certificate done all at once but he wasn’t so the process was even more convoluted
    • Received certificate in the mail in October
    • Got a new driver’s license!
  • Had to apply for marriage certificate from Nova Scotia
    • Took two tries for them to get it right
  • Tried to submit for a new SIN card which eventually was returned saying that he needed to change his birth certificate first
  • Hardest part was birth certificate
    • New Brunswick hadn’t changed their laws yet – still required proof of ‘sex reassignment surgery’
    • Need an updated birth certificate to get updated passport
  • Was stuck in limbo with a drivers license that didn’t match his passport and a passport that didn’t match how he presented
    • Made it too unsafe for us to travel to the states and had to cancel a trip we had planned
  • Getting banking info was also convoluted and for some reason he still can’t order cheques without the wrong name coming up
  • His workplace wouldn’t update his name in their system until his SIN card had been changed (which required the birth certificate again)
  • Wrote a letter to an MLA in New Brunswick about how frustrated he was and how many problems this archaic law was causing (December 2017)
    • Heard back at the beginning of February that it was already in the works
    • They ended up emailing and calling him to tell him that the forms were up and how to apply
    • Was very lucky in his timing because if he had started any earlier he still would have waited for this law to change and would have spent even more time stuck with mismatched documents and old work ID
    • Finally got it back in March 2018
    • Allowed him to update his passport and SIN card which he received in May 2018 – one year after coming out
  • In the meantime, he had found a way around the issues at work
    • Concerns with payroll’s info not matching his banking info and a T4 being issued in the wrong name
    • Got in contact with an HR Diversity and Equity person who had all his work stuff changed over in two months (done in December 2017)
      • As random things kept coming up he would contact her again and she would fix it super quick
      • Had been out since May and had lots of co-workers wondering why they couldn’t find him in the system to send him an email and he kept having to tell them to look under the old name
        • Very long 8 months
  • Found several resources for recently married people with lists of documents you need to get changed once you change your name
    • Land title, mortgage documents, credit score, etc
    • Super helpful but often ran into problems where the forms or procedure for changing the document did not include either change of first name or change of gender marker
    • Felt like he had to tell his life story and out himself as trans in order to get the document changed (over and over)
  • Situations keep coming up
    • Recent election – two voter cards showed up, one under each name, tried to get it changed, just caused confusion
    • Now that he passes as male people are even more confused because they can’t compute that he ‘used to be a woman’
    • Still can’t order cheques at the bank – has given up on that one after going in person and calling on the phone many times
    • Had to contact the city because he was getting his old name coming up during a job application and in emails despite applying under his current name
      • Had a fast, positive response and got it fixed quickly
  • In general was he was burnt out and apprehensive from having to go back to the same places over and over, never knowing what response he would get, if he would get different info from the previous time
    • He was super strategic about which locations he went to and at what time of day because he knew it would take a while and didn’t want there to be a long line of other people behind him listening to him explain his life story
  • No overt transphobic experiences (hurray for Canada!)

Partner Experience During Legal Transition

  • Provided support and encouragement
  • Gave permission for him to take some time away from working through the long list
  • Would have gone with him as a buddy to all the various offices if our schedules allowed
    • Moral support
    • Safety
  • For parents: call ahead to medical offices to ensure they have the proper name and pronouns in their system before your kid arrives
    • Old information can keep popping up depending on when the last time was that you interacted with that particular medical office/hospital
  • Had to change Jake’s information on my benefits plan
    • The form had a list of reasons that did not include transition so I had to write it in
    • Did not have a space to indicate a change of gender marker
    • Had to call them multiple times to correct it as they returned various iterations

Meaghan Ray’s Plans for Legal Transition

  • Could change provincial documents to ‘Meaghan Ray’ and X
    • May do this some day but it’s a lot of work and not necessary for now
  • Could change national documents to ‘Meaghan Ray’ and X
    • Would be more dangerous to travel internationally to places that don’t recognize that as a gender marker
  • Potential incentive was to get it changed before having a kid because we can’t change parent’s names on your kid’s birth certificate
    • However, it’s only first and last names that appear on the birth certificate, no gender marker, and we can choose the parental labels that we use (mother, father, or parent for either or both of us)
  • So for now, the emotional cost of changing anything out-ways the benefit for me

This brings our series on transition to a close. We will be back sometime in the future with a new series and hopefully some guests! Stay tuned!


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